Mixed Moods && Family Pressure

Today I can't quite decide how I feel. Kinda numb, kinda in pain.. but it's like my mind is trying to keep it from me; I keep trying to look a little closer at it and it runs, changes.. Probably a really weird way to describe it, but still..I know it's probably better that I quite detached like this but I also know how much the 'unknown' bothers me, how out of control it makes me feel. Sort of like, even though I know it's bad, I need to know how bad so I can keep a proper measure of it all.
My moods getting lower and lower. It wasn't really until today and feeling this detached that I can make a bit of a overview of the time recently, and looking back over my posts.. Definitely getting lower. Struggling more, more often. It's still a couple of weeks until I see my CC but then again even then, I have no idea what she can do. It'll just be all the usual crap she says; routine, sleep, eat, etc. Relaxation blah blah blah.. I KNOW all this stuff. I am doing all of this stuff to the best I can do it for now. What I need is something else.. Reminding me of all these things I could understand if I wasn't already doing them.. I need something new, something helpful to try and get me through this. I truly don't want to get back to a point where suicide is an option; let alone the only option. If they put more effort into prevention then they wouldn't have to worry so much about 'fixing' things when they've not only fallen apart, but also all the pieces to have been smashed up and burned to the ground. On another ranty-type note; my Dad's still screwing up with the girls. Seriously. how many more times do I say this, how more often does he require being 'nagged' This shouldn't be my job but it is! Why am I the only person being left to deal with all this, why when that is the case. Do I not have an adult. Anyone else, who can look after me aswell. Why do i have to be the grown-up all the time.. I'm struggling now, and the only thing holding me together is knowing my sisters need me. So who do I go to; when I need someone?!

Memories; Haunting And Taunting My Mind

It's his birthday on Thursday.


10th February has been one of the worst 
days of the year since I was 9; so since 
2000. This will be the 11th year. 
The first year that I will not be seeing him [unless he manages to find me]
This will be, something that should make 
me feel so free, yet it continues to 
remind me how trapped I still feel.


It hurts. 
It still hurts so much.


Such specific memories, hurting me, haunting me, taunting me, playing twisted games.


The things that have happened on his birthday.


Like it was his right to make it more; longer, painful, detrimental and with an extra dose of fear on top of what was already there.

Like I owed him something because he was still bigger and stronger then me.
It feels like the beginning of the 'build up' between now and my own birthday everything stepped up levels regarding the physical and sexual abuse and the mental and emotional torment that was caused.

  
I will do this. I will cope. I will be happy. I will smile. I will do this. I will cope. I will be happy. I will smile. I will do this. I will cope. I will be happy. I will smile.  I will do this. I will cope. I will be happy. I will smile. I will do this. I will cope. I will be happy. I will smile.  I will do this. I will cope. I will be happy. I will smile. I will do this. I will cope. I will be happy. I will smile.  I will do this. I will cope. I will be happy. I will smile. I will do this. I will cope. I will be happy. I will smile. I will do this. I will cope. I will be happy. I will smile. I will do this. I will cope. I will be happy. I will smile. I will do this. I will cope. I will be happy. I will smile. I will do this. I will cope. I will be happy. I will smile.  I will do this. I will cope.

And no-one will ever need know. 

Sleep Sweet Dreams ♥

  

A bit of a "This Too Shall Pass" moment..

Should be asleep. Well beyond asleep by now, seeing as it's nearly 6am. I am tired, 
yet so wired at the same time.. it's not fair. 
When I feel like this, I could really do with being able to sleep.
At least getting some kind of relief from it all.
Even knowing it will pass isn't helpful, as being at the beginning of the year, 
it is all going to get so much worse, before it gets better.
I'm trying to cope. I truly am. I keep telling myself that I can do this, I've done this before..

I fear my mistakes, I fear the risk and I fear failing. 

But.

Something has got to give.

And I don't know if I can do this again. I realise I feel the same every year, for the first, say 6 months.. because of dates and memories.. but after doing so much better recently..

after Mum being more well.. 

I'm not sure I can do this. 

I get through these times of year with self-harming and suicide attempts, 

psychotic symptoms, severe dissociation and paranoia [to name a few] 

this time of the year really messes me up.

I don't wanna do this all again. 

I am doing better with my self-harm..

My last suicide attempt was last year in April. 

I don't wanna go back to all this just to get through.

When I know that I'll have to do the same next year.

And the year after that.

Everyone keeps asking me if I've taken anything.

Apparently I'm talking pretty fast, and being 'too' open..

About useless stuff I imagine because I haven't told anyone much about my 

feelings of what's coming up, they all know already, 

they don't need to keep being told.

Hyperactive type, and jumpy thought process.

I don't know if this is just a random thing for the moment, 

or my mood getting higher.. in a way, it feels like that would be such a relief.

Although I do not need to be feeling out of control right now.

I'm not really noticing the things that there mentioning.. 

I realise that it's likely for me.

Just another thing to think about.

Content With Failure? ♥

I have had a better day, slept about 4 hours, which is a little more then it has been recently which is better.. I woke up stressed but more tolerant then yesterday. Havent eaten at all. 

So I am content. Content with giving in, content with this failure on my part. Content that when I wake up tommorow the scale will have a lower number.

I am upset at the same time that when I struggle to catch and keep a tight hold on one thing, something else, whilst my back is turned starts the fall apart again. I'm reaching for things to stop me killing myself and to do so I forget [at first; then willingly] to eat and ENJOY not doing so..

Yesterday I was ready to jump in front of a train, if I allow my eating and exercising to slip, I can't cope. To such a point where it's even subconcious.. I will naturally just be more relaxed and cope better if I haven't eated anything/much or if I've done all the exercise I needed to do.

I re-joined a site I was on years ago, TeenHelp ♥ 

I'm not a hero. I never was and I never will be.

I can't do it all, and to be fair, I'm fat enough for weight loss to not particularly be noticable or damaging anyway. Plus one day, one day wont hurt. I gained weight over Christmas anyway.

It confuses me when other people seem to think I'm strong. I'm not strong. I'm weak, I'm pathetic. 

My head feels a mess. I don't know whether I'm coming or going. I don't want to gain weight; I want to lose, but I don't want to be fasting like I am even though my weight loss goals are my only reason to be alive, to see if I can achieve them again.. I dont want these moods swings, yet medication will make me even fatter.. How am I supposed to decide? How do you decide if self-harm is okay as long as it stops you attempting suicide, when you might take it too far anyway, accidently, subconciously aiming for more..

Damn my racing mind. I'm still falling apart bit by bit and I don't think I remember where all the pieces go anymore. I don't think I'm fixable now, it's been too long. Too much and too long.

Headache :/

Soo. Striding on into a new year and new start! [bullshit!] 

New start, does not mean new start, will people be getting their police records cleared? There memories zapped? Freedom of speech, expression and whatever else? Will there be sudden miracles - Cures found for diseases and illnesses? People told there terminally ill getting news of it being a mistake. No.  Of course not. Just because I know have to remember 2011 when I date things, because I'll spend a couple of months screwing things up because I continue to put 2010 without meaning to.. Does not mean that these memories will disappear, it does not mean I will be anymore trusting of people who's very jobs make it neccessary for them to have my trust. I will not want to kill/hurt myself anymore or get into debt and other trouble through being so high I feel untouchable. I will not magically be able to make and take phone calls without the anxiety just like I will not suddenly stop waking up screaming from my nightmares. I realise I that I took the point out of what it actually means, I think for a lot of people it can be a good motivator to make change; to lose weight, start an exercise regime, Start a new career, take a further step in a relationship. Thats all well and good; but I've spent ALL YEAR trying to make changes, all year managing my struggles alone, all year trying to manage my feelings, thoughts and mood swings.. What I really want is a year off. To have someone else take the reins [although I doubt I'd cope with that either] from me, and manage these things for me. I know that's not going to happen and I will continue as best I can to move on/move forward. What I really want is for someone to say; I can erase all the bits of memory you want me to get rid of. Theres now a magic pill or something that wont make me fat and physically ill that will 100% sort out my moods.. Unrealistic, but hey, who said wishes had to be.

Last Night.

Other then struggling to cope, not wanting to admit to myself I couldn't cope plus the fact that I was allowing myself to enter a year I did not want to be in or even have in the distance of my vision; I am here. Of course I dealt with it by getting completely and utterly trashed. Embarrassing myself totally; being filmed being a idiot, phoning people to declare them a "Merry Birthday."  I was pretty far gone. Which isn't something I do/let myself do much because I fear being out of control. But even through my drunken state and subconsious, I refused to see and insisted it was not New Year's - something my Dad and sisters found highly amusing! - Even in my out of mind state, I didn't want it to be New Years. *Sigh* I had such a headache this morning so spent most of the day asleep, tucked up in bed trying to sleep and thinking about how nice it'd be to sleep. The saddest thing is other people seem to think I was so positively looking forward to see the New Year in.  

Meh. I want to cut. Really badly. Bleed so much I feel dizzy. I'm feeling so triggered right now.

Hello New Year, I've Been Expecting You ♥

Well.. this year has been one hell of a challenge! 

♥ I have OD'd too many times to count, 

♥ I started being hospitalised [adult style ;)] repeatedly.  

♥ I had my first psychotic episode - which they now can't decide if it was - hearing voices, seeing things and believing the government were out to get me because I had secret information hidden in my subconsious that they wanted. 

♥ I had my first decent period of time without the abuse and therefore memories, flashbacks, dreams and thoughts went into overdrive worse then ever before.  

♥ I first told someone about the 'agreement' between me and my abuser.  

♥ Me and Mum getting closer, trying to try and work through some things.  

♥ Mum having an 'emotional' affair whilst she insists nothing physical happened.  
♥ Mum and Dad splitting up.. Mum and Dad getting back together.  

♥ My mum almost dying, spending 7 months between hospital and rehabilitation [I meanwhile developed and maintained an amazing relationship with the rest of my family -Dad and all 3 sisters- who all admitted -without her there- that Mum had made things harder in terms of having a relationship with me]  

♥ Struggled with Mum throughout her not remembering me [anyone, except Dad] her difficulties, lack of understanding, lack of empathy, lack of belief in how she 'used to be'    

♥ My first hypo/manic episode; spending nearly £2000 in under 2 months, reckless, overconfident and hyposexual - I pierced my own lip, I met strangers for sex [considering I don't like/enjoy sex] plus made a few relationships I already had difficult with either having/offering sex to them. I felt I was amazing, attractive, great in bed and how I had a theories about stuff regarding psychiatry and similar things.  

♥ I became catatonic. I didn't get out of bed for weeks. Lost a fair bit of weight. 

♥ Triggered both by my sexual behaviours when higher, flashbacks and the weight loss I started up alot of my ED behaviours without realising it, until I look back in hindsight and feel too lost/safe in them again to change despite knowing the risks.

I started the year being abused on rare occasions only,  self-harming constantly and attempting suicide was a means of escaping anything, I refused to acknowledge my abuse and rapes and the memories of my bullying. My relationships with my family, but mostly my Mum, were poor and I had abandonment issues with my best friend with put our relationship into such a seriousness that we for a while lost the fun of it. I constantly argued with my 'team' and refused to co-operate in a childish manner. I'd only had one care-co-ordinator and one psychiatrist at that point. At the beginning of this year, death was very much my only wish, I hadn't wanted to start the year and [unwillingly] passed many dates of which my death was welcome.

I'm ending the year saying I haven't been abused in nearly a year, I don't self-harm very often and I haven't attempted suicide [despite wanting to, feeling like I need to] in 7 odd months. I recognise my abuse and trauma and although can still be fairly dismissive of it [because I feel others have been through so much worse, so I shouldn't complain] I am willing to accept that due to it I do struggle with some things that other people might not and instead of seeing it as a weakness I know try to see it as something else to just work with/around. My relationships with my family are really pretty good, it's still up and down with my Mum but I refuse to let it get to me anymore and knowing she can't stop me seeing my sisters like she used to do, makes things easier. Me and my best friend have come from strength to strength, we have had many changes this year, and although there have been struggles, we're still here, out the other side, expecting more. I work hard to be honest with my team [although I struggle to talk to my psychiatrist cause he's a male] and I'm not perfect but it's improving. I'm ending this year now having got to my third care-co-ordinator and my second psychiatrist. I still think about suicide often/plan suicide all the time but I'm getting better at not following through with my thoughts and plans. I have made it this year past all my bad dates, all these anniversaries and even though I know I am once again the 'wrong' side of my worst month, I am hoping I can try and continue this through, because trying is all I can do. I am not expecting a better year, because good things are just not handed to you. I will try and make myself a good year. For the first time in my life, I'm looking forward to trying; looking forward to this challenge.

P.S. I also wanted to say that in this year, I haven't been on any medication for a sustained period due to me overdosing on it all the time and I haven't had any psychological intervention [just assessments; which recommended I have some!] at all within the year. All the improvements; as slight as they are. Were me. Just me and my effort and determination. (:

EDIT: P.P.S. I have never heard myself sound soo positive.. it's quite wierd cause I generally don't think like that, I'm normally extremely negative and pessamistic and I wouldn't say reading that back, that that's how it sounds/feels in my mind. No wonder I confuse my team. Meh. (:

Sleep [Or Lack Of Anything Else]

At the moment I'm in the low of my mood cycle :/ Sucks, but whatever. I'm in it, and I'm shattered. Seriously. Constantly drowsy, if I'm don't get like 16 hours sleep then I'm a complete mess! Irritable, unable to focus, all the nice usual things that come with lack of sleep.. although I feel like a freak because I get them when I've slept like 12 odd hours.. Obviously this is the wrong time of year to need to sleep this much.. I am struggling to get everything organised like I need to and it's causing me even more stress over it all. So for the last couple of months I've been sleeping like this, in terms of getting everything else sorted I'm managing except social life is kinda down the drain.. but these last couple of days I've been feeling worse, emotionally/mentally.. the thoughts of self-harm and suicide a more focal point in my mind now, and that's getting me down even more. I believe it's the "lack" of sleep over the last couple of weeks where I've been busier with christmas and all that but I'm worried that I'm not going to be able to enjoy christmas at all.. cause I'm either so tired I'm paying nothing else any attention, or all I can think about is hurting myself. :/ I haven't been 'low' at christmas for a few years and with all thats gone on this year I was hoping this would be able to be a really good year.. I'm scared, I'm worried, I'm stressed plus god knows what else and it's all cycling and making the other feelings consequently worse. I realise thats whats happening, but don't seem to know how to stop it.. My team are useless. I have been told to have a routine; have hot drinks and baths.. although I'm sure these must work for some people - they must get this shit advice from somewhere - I know they do not work for me.. I have ALWAYS had messed up sleep. Even as a kid, it used to drive my mum mad cause I either couldn't [in her eyes, wouldn't] sleep at all or it's all I wanted to do. To be fair, that hasn't particularly changed, but I'm sure you can appreciate that since being a child, and I'm talking 3/4 my sleep has been screwed [my mum said it always has been including when I was a baby, but I don't want to include when I was 2/3ish years because my sister came along and I can imagine that wouldn't have helped my sleeping.] so in 16 years I've had messed up sleep.. I have tried and tested every imaginable and possible chance of something that may help one sleep. From extremely specific bed-time routines with baths and hot drinks to relaxing music and soothing lights.. so you can see why it fustrates me to keep getting the same replies.. it's not like I'm after sleeping tablets. I dont want them. I've had them. Been re-offered them. It's not what I want, they work fine whilst I'm on them, but once I'm off them its screwed again.. and I don't wanna be on things that can be so dangerous and addictive for long.. so I fail to see the point to try them again. The difference is obviously I don't want help to sleep, for these couple of months I'm sleeping fine.. too much, but fine. I just need some useful techniques to stop the [illogical] tiredness screwing up everything else. I only need to manage for the next week at most really, then I can just give in for a while.. but I don't wanna self-harm and I don't want to kill myself.. which makes the thoughts and images all the more distressing. I don't really have many good coping strategies.. it's hard to get ones that consistently work because my moods change to extremes and they change ability to focus on other things and ability to remember other things to do. The only thing I really do do alot is use distraction.. but my team are worried that I'm taking it too far and am entering 'avoidance' So either way I can't win; I have a technique that works/helps and I'm not supposed to use it because it works to well :/ I'm trying to stay aware and I know that, even though I'm not struggling as much as I know I can, if I just leave it it'll just get worse, I try and do something about it now, and no-one takes any notice because I'm not yet at a point where I'm about the try and jump in front of a train. These stupid services are going to be the death of me yet.