Detached.

I feel so detached today.
Other than tired, nothing is really getting through, with how I've been feeling recently it IS a relief..
But then the way I consider 'fakeness' makes it hard for me to deal with..
[Ironically I have spent years and years pretending I am okay etc.. Yet I still can't stand fakeness]
Not that it's a choice. It is just the way it is. 
How I cope, but with a mind of it's own.
In most terms I feel like things are definitely getting harder.
It's getting harder to do simple things again. Get out of bed. Clean the flat.
Clean myself to be honest.. I'm not as bad as I know I can be with my personal hygiene 
but I know it's worse then I have been doing for a while in those terms.
Concentration is going out of the window. I can't seem to read properly anymore..
It all ends up blurring and I re-read the same lines over and over.
Getting to the end of a few pages and realizing that I haven't taken any of it in..
Frustration when I'm trying to explain myself, except on here where I can take as many hours as I need to get what I'm trying to say across, my brain feels like it's being so deliberately slow JUST to annoy me further. I know logically that makes no sense and is impossible but after quite a while doing better, it's really hurting to find myself struggling again. These ED thoughts are taking a front seat aswell. It's hard, trying to please them when I don't even have to energy to read, let alone, go for a run or something like that..The flashbacks are still bad. It's hurting me so much. Like even more then multiple kicks in the stomach every time I think about 'him' Dad's got parent's evening for my sister tomorrow; he swears that he'll talk to someone about supporting her then. [We'll see I suppose]

Today Is Yet Another Day.

I don't really feel very with it today, very dissociated, which is obviously annoying and inconvenient. I have quite a few periods throughout the day that I don't remember.. I felt really 'dreamy' when I was with my boyfriend tonight although he said he felt I was very disconnected and 'guarded' tonight. I don’t know, I know that the memories are seriously getting to me, I KNOW that. I’m just not sure how to try and help it.. I can almost watch my mood getting lower, my tolerances getting lower and the dissociation and thoughts of hurting myself getting so much worse. I basically feel like shit today. Although. On a good note, I have completed my 5th day fasting {looking at the time} So onto the 6th I say [ At least I've got control over something in this fucked up bit of my life.

Happiness, Fear && Lurking Memories ♥

I think I am happy.


He gives me butterflies.


I want him to touch me, but it just doesn't feel do-able at the moment.
But then I'm scared and weirded out, because I've never wanted to be touched before.


I even ate with him today. Breaking the rules. Breaking my record.


He held me and I didn't freak out.


I felt safe.


Yet.


I'm already contemplating the end of March/beginning of April for my death.
It's isn't an insistent, unbearable, impossible to ignore thought yet.. but it will be.
Soon enough. 


I don't want to hurt him at all.


Do I break it off now?


Or do I keep everything that might get me through the first April, since it all, unscathed. 

♥ I think I might be falling in Love ♥

One Week Today.

One week today and I don't think I'm really feeling it, I know I should be feeling terrible today, 

scared, panic.. the works, but I'm not. I'm not really feeling anything.. quite spaced out, dissociated. 

I don't even remember if I slept for long, I feel tired, but thats been pretty constant recently, as well as this intense pounding headache. Maybe it's because I havent eaten, maybe because I haven't slept, I don't really know, I don't remember and I don't really want to remember.. When I woke my pillow was soaked, so I cried last night, I sobbed and I don't remember it. 

I've had enough of feeling such a mess.. it's not fair really.. I can't do it anymore.. I'm barely functioning and not remembering so much time.. losing time and this dreamy-ness hasn't been so bad for ages, I know that these upcoming appointments are probably scaring the fuck out of me so maybe triggering things.. but how am I supposed to make it better when I don't know? When I can't remember? When I am actually completely unpresent at the time??

I'm scared I'm going to start hurting myself dissociated again.. scared that without my present thought I'm not going to be able to stop me. Scared that I wont want to stop myself. 

Scared of what I'm experiencing and remembering..

I'm scared but don't know what of.