Best Friend ♥

On a bright note. 
I should be seeing my best friend today [checks clock; yep. Today]
She seems to see fit to come around at like 7am, and when I'm still awake at nearly 1am..
I'm worried, but whatever. I rarely get to see her anymore so I'll make the most of it and
catch up on sleep when I can. Although that always seems to be in my plans, and never 
in my actual 'Do' :) I've been missing her so much, it's something I try not to think about
anymore, because like I said, seeing her is a rarity nowadays.. Sometimes I think I 
just worry that the more alone I feel, the easier it is to cut myself off from everyone
and the easier it is to then consider it "not a problem" to kill myself. 
I can sometimes quite easily forget how many people I have around me, now I'm 
older and visits and support is so much less, both in frequency and in the amount
of time that I get to spend with them. I don't know. Maybe this'll figure itself out.
I am struggling. A lot, but as bad as it sounds, I think self-harming was definitely
what I needed because I feel quite a bit more in control now. 
Hopefully we'll have a good day and it wont end up being slightly bitter over 
whatever issues we may have with each other. Although to be honest,
she's so caught up with her boyfriend, I don't think she'll notice anything amiss 
with me anyway. She doesn't really even notice me anymore. Ah. Love.
Possibly. Let's just hope for her sake, considering all she is throwing 
aside for it, this is a two-way thing and that he feel the same.

Hello New Year, I've Been Expecting You ♥

Well.. this year has been one hell of a challenge! 

♥ I have OD'd too many times to count, 

♥ I started being hospitalised [adult style ;)] repeatedly.  

♥ I had my first psychotic episode - which they now can't decide if it was - hearing voices, seeing things and believing the government were out to get me because I had secret information hidden in my subconsious that they wanted. 

♥ I had my first decent period of time without the abuse and therefore memories, flashbacks, dreams and thoughts went into overdrive worse then ever before.  

♥ I first told someone about the 'agreement' between me and my abuser.  

♥ Me and Mum getting closer, trying to try and work through some things.  

♥ Mum having an 'emotional' affair whilst she insists nothing physical happened.  
♥ Mum and Dad splitting up.. Mum and Dad getting back together.  

♥ My mum almost dying, spending 7 months between hospital and rehabilitation [I meanwhile developed and maintained an amazing relationship with the rest of my family -Dad and all 3 sisters- who all admitted -without her there- that Mum had made things harder in terms of having a relationship with me]  

♥ Struggled with Mum throughout her not remembering me [anyone, except Dad] her difficulties, lack of understanding, lack of empathy, lack of belief in how she 'used to be'    

♥ My first hypo/manic episode; spending nearly £2000 in under 2 months, reckless, overconfident and hyposexual - I pierced my own lip, I met strangers for sex [considering I don't like/enjoy sex] plus made a few relationships I already had difficult with either having/offering sex to them. I felt I was amazing, attractive, great in bed and how I had a theories about stuff regarding psychiatry and similar things.  

♥ I became catatonic. I didn't get out of bed for weeks. Lost a fair bit of weight. 

♥ Triggered both by my sexual behaviours when higher, flashbacks and the weight loss I started up alot of my ED behaviours without realising it, until I look back in hindsight and feel too lost/safe in them again to change despite knowing the risks.

I started the year being abused on rare occasions only,  self-harming constantly and attempting suicide was a means of escaping anything, I refused to acknowledge my abuse and rapes and the memories of my bullying. My relationships with my family, but mostly my Mum, were poor and I had abandonment issues with my best friend with put our relationship into such a seriousness that we for a while lost the fun of it. I constantly argued with my 'team' and refused to co-operate in a childish manner. I'd only had one care-co-ordinator and one psychiatrist at that point. At the beginning of this year, death was very much my only wish, I hadn't wanted to start the year and [unwillingly] passed many dates of which my death was welcome.

I'm ending the year saying I haven't been abused in nearly a year, I don't self-harm very often and I haven't attempted suicide [despite wanting to, feeling like I need to] in 7 odd months. I recognise my abuse and trauma and although can still be fairly dismissive of it [because I feel others have been through so much worse, so I shouldn't complain] I am willing to accept that due to it I do struggle with some things that other people might not and instead of seeing it as a weakness I know try to see it as something else to just work with/around. My relationships with my family are really pretty good, it's still up and down with my Mum but I refuse to let it get to me anymore and knowing she can't stop me seeing my sisters like she used to do, makes things easier. Me and my best friend have come from strength to strength, we have had many changes this year, and although there have been struggles, we're still here, out the other side, expecting more. I work hard to be honest with my team [although I struggle to talk to my psychiatrist cause he's a male] and I'm not perfect but it's improving. I'm ending this year now having got to my third care-co-ordinator and my second psychiatrist. I still think about suicide often/plan suicide all the time but I'm getting better at not following through with my thoughts and plans. I have made it this year past all my bad dates, all these anniversaries and even though I know I am once again the 'wrong' side of my worst month, I am hoping I can try and continue this through, because trying is all I can do. I am not expecting a better year, because good things are just not handed to you. I will try and make myself a good year. For the first time in my life, I'm looking forward to trying; looking forward to this challenge.

P.S. I also wanted to say that in this year, I haven't been on any medication for a sustained period due to me overdosing on it all the time and I haven't had any psychological intervention [just assessments; which recommended I have some!] at all within the year. All the improvements; as slight as they are. Were me. Just me and my effort and determination. (:

EDIT: P.P.S. I have never heard myself sound soo positive.. it's quite wierd cause I generally don't think like that, I'm normally extremely negative and pessamistic and I wouldn't say reading that back, that that's how it sounds/feels in my mind. No wonder I confuse my team. Meh. (:

♥ T- I Love You Soo Much ♥

Dear Rainbow,
You are my best friend and although our lives have changed in some ways I still need you like
I first needed you. I love you, that will never change. Please be my dude forever? I know
your trying and we're all proud of your efforts.
Don't be disheartened by little slips. You wouldn't be our S, our bestest dude if you weren't you; we love you; quirks and all (:
Never Forget that and never give up. ♥
T
xoxox

This is a little note from my best friend recieved on the 23rd Dec 10. Things have been hard between us this year due to her getting a 'serious' boyfriend and her struggling to fit the time she had between us. In typical Borderline fashion I at first threw complete fits "because she didn't like/love me anymore, didn't/wouldn't care if I died etc", couldn't cope with it and consequentely did some self-harming type things and refused to see her for a while. We've moved on from that, dealt with it all, and she's proved [yet again] that she's here to stay. I love you so much T ♥ Thank you so much for everything despite the fact I can be soo unbelievably hard to work with. I'm stubborn and arkward and distrustful.. but I'm also loving, caring and extremely loyal. Please know that I'm only like this with you especially because you mean so fucking much to me.. I would hurt so much to lose you and this is what it felt like when you were choosing to be with other people instead of me. Silly I know, but I can't help how my brain works. I'm glad you can see through it all though. My best friend forever. My DUDE! I know that and you know that, but thanks for reminding me because we all know how much I forget these things in times of stress and freak-out.. ♥ You mean the world to me, please don't ever leave! ♥

My First Love ♥

Hmm.. well.. a random topic.. as most of my blogs tend to be but why not kick off with something hard (:
So. My first love, well it would have been J; to be fair I didn't recognise that I loved him for a LONG LONG time - during therapy. So before all that I wouldn't have included him for reasons I promise I will go in to. >.< 
M was the time after/during being with J. I met J at 9 and M at 11. M was my first actual boyfriend. He'd been badgering me for a while [we were really close friends] to make it 'official' which sounds ridiculous given we were like 11.. I did love him, he was my best friend, I could talk about anything with him and the time we spent together felt 'right'. Cliche I know. (: He was my first kiss, both normal and french :L and even though he'd already made a name for himself for being fairly outrageous sexually, I never felt pressured to do anything with him. Which was brilliant considering what else was going on at the time. As is fairly normal at that age anyway, we broke up and made up, [I think he reminded me the other week that we'd been 'going out' like 13 times] Funny looking back on it. It never ended badly, we just decided we were better of as friends. We remained close and even still are fairly close now although we don't get to see each other much anymore :/ I have fond memories of our relationship, he never expected me to be all 'girly girl' and infact said it was one of the things he loved about me.. I would join the guys playing football, climbing trees..etc. I pretty much WAS one of the guys. So back to J [breathe..] J abused me for a very long time [nearly 10 years] and I was convinced that I hated him.. sure I was scared of him and all the other stuff that goes along with it, but as a general emotion, hate would be what I would associate him with. During therapy I realised I did/do love J. Well, I love the person he could be, the fun guy who would talk to me properly about anything.. play random games, listen to music.. etc, it wasn't as such what we were doing together but the fact that he didn't mind as long as we were together. For a little while it felt good, I felt so special; a way I had never felt in my life although I struggled with the attention and found it embarrasing and often blushed.. which he said was cute. -.- He never stressed out over the fact I didn't do 'girly' I didn't/dont wear skirts/dresses and think nothing of climbing trees, walking through rivers and getting dirty and hurt. For a while, thats ALL he was. This gentle, kind, amazing guy who wanted to know me, talk to me, be with me. Then things slowly changed, there were odds days at first where he would be argumentative, difficult and very stroppy, he would hit me if I annoyed him [which was often] and we started playing 'games' He questioned how much I cared about him and often tried to make me 'prove' it. These days became more frequent, quickly.. and over time I saw less and less of MY J. He was making me play 'games' more and more and these games were getting worse. One time, when he beat me up properly for the first time seemed to change it all. The touching stopped being under pretences of games and accidents. Soon he didn't care whether I knew what he meant to do despite always saying he was sorry and that it wouldn't happen again. He didnt care if I cried and if it hurt. After these things he would temporarily be MY J again. Knowing that would sometimes get me through. But I loved MY J, I seperated him in my head and memories between the two; MY J, kind, caring, sweet person who loved me and the other J; who seemed to hate me, got off on making me cry and hurt me all the time. After a while I could actually 'see' the change in his eyes, more often then not when I'd said 'No' or refused him in some other way.. He changed. As we got older and things got worse, I saw MY J less and less.. but before I completely go off track. I loved MY J, the only problem was the other who always managed to get in the way. My issue is I suppose; My first love is the worst thing that could have ever happened to me!