Morrissey patted down, touched up

Disappointingly, the official TSA blog has kept quiet about Morrissey's claims that his penis was fondled by a security screener at San Francisco airport - although they do report twelve people around the US trying to take bear mace through in their carry-ons. You've got to be one hell of a nervous flier to think you need to be prepared in case there's a bear on the plane, surely?

The TSA have denied that anyone groped Mozzer, though:

A TSA spokesperson said in a statement to Rolling Stone magazine Thursday that after reviewing closed-circuit TV footage of the encounter, the officer in question appeared to have “followed standard operating procedures in the screening of this individual.”

"TSA takes all allegations of misconduct seriously and strives to treat every passenger with dignity and respect," TSA spokesperson Mike England said in the statement.

That respect thing must be difficult when you're faced with someone who thinks it's okay to climb aboard with a can or two of bear incapacitant - or the dozens of yahoos who want to take their loaded guns to have with them as they fly.

The appearance of Morrissey in this story shouldn't shift the focus away from the TSA, as this isn't the first time screeners have been accused of sexually assaulting travellers. It's not even the second time. Depressingly, allegations of sexual assault by screeners are incredibly common.

In fact, if you travel through Denver in 2014, you'd be lucky if it hasn't happened to you. It was quite the thing:

According to law enforcement reports obtained during the CBS4 investigation, a male TSA screener told a female colleague in 2014 that he “gropes” male passengers who come through the screening area at DIA.

“He related that when a male he finds attractive comes to be screened by the scanning machine he will alert another TSA screener to indicate to the scanning computer that the party being screened is a female. When the screener does this, the scanning machine will indicate an anomaly in the genital area and this allows (the male TSA screener) to conduct a pat-down search of that area.”

It took three months from the TSA in Denver being told about this before they did anything about it.

And that's just the top of the pile. Some allegations have been revealed following a FOI request, and they make pretty grim reading:

The female TSO then proceeded to roughly feel of [sic] her breast including her nipples. The TSO didn’t go under her arms or along her sides. She indicated that she did not receive a proper pat down. The search was limited to her breast… Two other individuals came over to where the supervisor and gentleman were and they began laughing. The caller indicated that the incident was not the business of the other two officers and not a show for them. The caller indicated that even the Supervisor, along with the others, began to roar with laughter.

So when Morrissey says he was assaulted at the screening point, the only surprising part of that story is that Morrissey wants to leave San Francisco. Everything else is too grimly believable.

Wayne Coyne is that idiot holding up the TSA queue

The presence of the TSA at airports in the US might do very little to stop terrorists, but they do perform a diligent job of stopping gun nuts taking their nutty weapons onto planes - the last week in October, for example, they stopped 38 loaded guns being taken on board by twitchy fellow travellers. And a throwing star. And a bunch of grenades.

Yes, a bunch of grenades. While you're juggling a sudoku book and an iPod, there are people who put grenades in their carry-ons. Perhaps they don't intend to use them. Perhaps they plan to show their displeasure if the beef meal has run out by the time the steward makes it to their seat.

There's an awful lot wrong with the TSA, but stopping the sort of people who are deluded enough to take live or fake weapons into a tiny plane is a really useful byproduct.

I mean, what sort of person would try to take a grenade onto a plane?

What's that? Wayne Coyne, you say?

Yes, Coyne held up a security queue - causing people to miss flights and lose money. Because he had a grenade in his carry-on.

Coyne can explain, though:

The Embryonic leader described the airport officials as "very nice," and admitted some fault, but Coyne wouldn't accept full responsibility for inconveniencing his fellow travelers (even though he did tweet that apology the same day as this mishap). "I would agree that it was stupid of me, but I don't feel wholly responsible if people missed their flights," he said. "I'm not making the rules. It's not illegal for me to have that grenade with me."

The grenade was a fake, and Coyne claims he "forgot" he had it with him. I guess it's possible - only last June I forgot I hadn't put my bottle of water in the bin as I moved towards the front of ORD. I mean, who wouldn't forget they'd put a grenade in their bags, right?

It's just disappointing that Coyne won't accept that he was in the wrong, and it was his fault. Because despite what he says, realistic explosives are banned from flights, either as carry-on or in baggage.

Mainly because the only way to tell if a grenade is a real grenade or just an uncanny lookalike is to set it off.

Mainly because if someone stands up on your plane demanding that Miss Congeniality II is shown as the in-flight movie, it's pretty hard to tell if they're waving round a genuine grenade or (as Coyne had) "a non-explodable grenade painted gold".

Yes, Coyne is convinced because it had been painted gold, that somehow showed that it wasn't a threat to the flight.

It's true that Coyne doesn't make the rules. It's true the TSA might have some odd rules and some awkward moments applying them, but not taking things that look like they could blow up a plane onto a plane is a pretty good rule, and really, if you don't want to follow that sort of rule, Wayne, stick to the bus in future.

TSA detain YellowFever's Jennifer Moore

Jennifer Moore, singy-guitarty fifty per cent of Yellow Fever had been due to play New York tonight but got caught trying to take a knife onto a plane.

It was a chef's knife, and she's a chef when she's not in a band. So it was an oversight rather than preplanned spot of the Ian Browns. But the discovery freaked out staff at DFW enough for her to be detained, and plans of playing a gig have been replaced with 'explaining her way out of this one'.

iPods no longer a security risk

We're not sure that the TSA's blog is going to have as much of an effect on improving the experience of going through airport security as, you know, mentioning in training that the people coming through the barrier are paying customers, but it has already secured a small victory. US airports which had been interpreting the rules so strictly that iPods, other mp3 players and even Zunes had to be sent through the scanner separately have been told not to be so stupid.

A step forward, albeit one you'll have take with your shoes off and your belt out your trousers.