Beyonce crosses the Madonna Horizon

Beyonce has, after a period of silence, turned her attention to the most famous elevator fracas since that doctor discovered Damien's blood was like a jackal's.

That she's bothered at all is disappointing; like Thor, the mighty God of Thunder taking time out his busy schedule to explain a hailstorm in Chislehurst last summer.

But she's decided to rap about the scuffle between Solange and Jay-Z. So, what was going on, Beyonce?

We escalatin', up in this bitch like elevators
Of course sometimes shit goes down when there's a billion dollars on an elevator

First of all, as explanations go, this doesn't hold water - I'm pretty certain that if Solange had got out at the next floor, there would still have been a billion dollars in that lift, and there wouldn't have been a shin-kicking farrago.

But let's take Beyonce at her word, because this is a sad, historic moment. The point where Beyonce has become so rich and famous and powerful that she has forgotten how to be relatable. The point, then, where she crossed the Madonna Horizon.

On this side of the Madonna Horizon, Beyonce would have been rapping about families, and how you know what families are like, and what can you do, eh? But once across the Madonna Horizon, you turn into this:

Scientists believe that as you pass through the Madonna Horizon, you're suddenly convinced that the world wants to see a photo of you being taken from behind by Vanilla Ice.

So, then: now we know. If you put rich people into a confined space, there's going to be an almighty scrap. This is why you don't see billionaires on the tube, by the way: imagine if three bank CEOs got in the same carriage on the Underground. It'd be carnage before you got out the station.

Naturally, the richer you get, the further you have to keep apart. Bill Gates and Warren Buffett are forbidden from being in the same state, as with all that cash just a few miles apart could trigger an earthquake.

It's our fault, people. We've given all this money to the Knowles-Z family. In effect, we're no better than medieval peasants forcing chickens to fight for our entertainment. I hope we're all ashamed.

Twittergem: Solange Knowles

Following Solange Knowles is a gift that keeps on giving:

Ever had to wipe yourself with coffee filters. It's not so bad.

Twittergem: Solange Knowles

The more @solangeknowles Tweets, the more I find myself warming to her:

Whenever I get handed a plane blanket I have these creepy images of some weird guy jacking off underneath one, or a slobbering old man. Eek.

Eamonn Holmes tells Rihanna "she needs a slap"

It's perhaps not reassuring at all that Eamonn Holmes says he'd only slap Rihanna if she was his daughter. Not reassuring at all.

Still, if his reaction is unsettling, his annoyance with large entourages, which led to his diagnosis that what Rihanna needed was a paternal smacking, is understandable:

"I find the entourages that some people come with, especially the Americans, really pathetic.

"Rihanna, for example, is a beautiful girl, but if she was your daughter, you'd give her a slap and tell her to wise up.

"She is surrounded by people who treat her like a little flower."

If Rihanna was your daughter, Holmes, you'd actually have to arrange an appointment with Randy, who is her official slap-taker.

Holmes is sharing his experience with Star magazine:

Holmes added that Beyonce Knowles' sister Solange had the right attitude, but said he found her "stand off-ish" when he asked her about the former Destiny's Child singer.

Fancy that, eh? Someone who lives their entire life in the shadow of a more famous sibling getting the hump when an interview turns out to be about their sister. Whoever would have thought?

Keep it in the family

Beyonce's Dad, who may or may not be a great pop manager, is taking a leaf out of Tony Blair's book: announcing plans to step down, choosing a date way off in the future (five years, apparently) and creating an heir who can't seem to wait for him to roll over, but who is pretending patience.

Gordon Brown in this little playlet is Solange Knowles, Beyonce's sister and, therefore, according to our family tree making software, also Matthew Knowles' daughter. Brown was too busy today to grunt that she should make sure she gets something in writing, preferably in blood, but we bet he'd have thought it were he not constantly nipping out to the front door to see if the neighbour was making any sort of announcement in the street outside.