Gordon in the morning: On two legs

In the paper, Gordon's big news this morning is Chris Martin has a problem with his knee which, everyone hopes, won't give him trouble on the tour. It's a bit slight, but - with deft use of pun and aimless speculation - can it be turned into a lead story?

Viva La Knee-da

Kneed singer

I wonder if it has anything to do with his new found fondness for trampolining?

No,it turns out puns and fingers in the air can't turn it into a proper story. But maybe 'man hurts leg' could be dressed up with some amusing song titles?

Here are five songs Chris ought to be singing if he makes it to Monday’s show:

1 X-Ray & Y
2 Fix You
3 Crocks
4 Rush Of Blood To The Leg
5 Strawberry Sling

Perhaps wisely, for the web, Gordon's column is leading on something else.

Perhaps unwisely, it's yet another report from the Wayne Rooney pre-nuptial events - the couple have thrown a masked ball. To be fair to Gordon, he's not responsible for the writing on the piece, but you'd have thought he'd have read the limping opening paragraph and spiked it, rather than promoting it:

WAYNE ROONEY chats with a pretty blonde in a MASK — and could be forgiven for thinking it’s his bride-to-be COLEEN MCLOUGHLIN.

The article - and, indeed, the "rib-tickling" caption - builds from this vague possibility that, because the woman was wearing a tiny mask, Rooney might have thought it was Coleen and got confused, and the trouble that might have followed. This despite the mask being so poor at hiding the identity of the woman Rooney was talking to that even the Sun could tell it wasn't McLoughlin looking at her on a grubby long-lens shot.