You’re not gonna understand a word of this, so don’t bother reading it…….

Its 3.45am this 19th of June. Wow, its June dy… 3 weeks away from being a final year dental student… imagine that! Ive been having these insomnia spells these past few weeks. Its driving me nuts especially when I cant do anything about it. I hate it when Im not in control of things- especially myself.

Im just here to share my thoughts about something that is most probably THE thing keeping me up this late- relationships. No, no Kelantan stories today. Not in the mood. PMSing.

What would you do if you knew or feel that a relationship you’re having was heading towards an end? Would you stay and savor every last end of it? Would you be thankful that it happened rather then dwell on the fact that its ending? Would you do everything you could to save it? Would you pack your stuff and run before the relationship ran out on you? Would you distance yourself away from it, act like you don’t care in hopes that when the time comes to say good bye, it wouldn’t hurt you so much? Or would you just live in denial, lying to yourself that its not over?

I used to believe that when something good ends, you should be thankful that it happened. That was how I coped with my first break up. I probably made myself believe that although the separation almost killed me, I was lucky that I had the chance and opportunity to experience it. To feel how it was to love and be loved back in return unconditionally. But my friends felt that I shouldnt have gotten into a relationship that wasn’t going to work in the first place.

Which brings me to my big Q- all relationships will eventually find its way to end, so should we just not have any relationships so we can spare ourselves the hurt and pain that follows a break up?

Then not long after that break up, I had to cope with leaving the bestest bunch of friends ive made. Even though we only met for 3 months, our friendship was incredible. We shared everything with each other. Knew almost everything about each other in that short period. But when i decided to leave to pursue my dreams as a doctor, I coped with the pain by spending the remaining time I had left before entering matrics with them. I made sure that we would forever remember our friendship. And those three months felt like years cos we did so much. The breakup of this beautiful friendship was again painful, but at least I have our memories safe in my heart.

Then 2 years later, I found myself in another relationship. I at first found it hard to give my heart away since my ex was having a big chunk of it but since the guy was really keen to have it, I decided to try. So I did… I tried to love again. Two months later, I started having the feeling like we weren’t gonna last. At that moment, I decided that I was going to try to make this work. I wasn’t going to let this just slip away. So I tried harder to open my heart to him… a few weeks later, he left. It was like a punch to my stomach. Here I am trying to like you and you walk? What the hell?!

And recently, I had to watch my closest friend at uni move into another room. We had been next door neighbors for a year, and starting this new sem, she had to move out. It really hurt especially considering the fact that we’ve been so close to each other, sharing so many things together- including our toothbrush once…YUCK, I know… I know, that particular incidence wasn’t on purpose. Are we going to be as close now that she moved out? I dunno. It scares me to think about it. So my resort- I pretend like she’s still next door… it helps with the pain…

The thing is, I came out good in all those situation. I didn’t need to cry my heart out or did I have to look like I lost… however, its only now I realize that although I grew stronger from those experiences, I paid a price. Im now not as happy, not as cheerful and not as optimistic as I used to be. I do not let people into my heart anymore. Ive build a wall around it because I am soo afraid that if I let anyone in, ill have to let them out. Ive soon become a person that is afraid of relationships, someone who is afraid to be left. I think many can relate to that.

Which would explain why Im so scared to get close to my parents. We’ve always been a working family. My parents work all the time so we never really had time to hang out together. Sure we went to supermarkets and stuff but not to relax but to buy groceries. We never went on holidays, not counting the annual trips we make to Kedah and Johor for Raya and Christmas. But those trips pun always ends up in fights cause my parents are always too tired to tolerate each other. So ive always been used to not really having parents to have fun with.

But now, my mom has quit working. So I kindda have my family back. And its only now at age 23 that I get to hang out with my mom. We go shopping. Watch TV together. Which scares me because I feel that the family is getting closer to each other. It scares me to realize that my parents are ageing and that im about to loose them too. And me and my sisters are growing up and soon will be growing out of our family house. Another break up- to – be.

So what do I do- I stay away… I keep my distance. In hopes that when the day comes that I have to say goodbye, it wouldn’t hurt so bad. That I wouldn’t feel the lost. That I can keep that piece of my heart rather then giving it away. I avoid telling my parents how much I love them. I avoid letting them too close to me. I don’t mean to be that way, its just because my heart cant take another breakup. I cannot give my heart away without knowing that I’ll get it back. Im just scared. That’s that.

What im trying to say is that ive now chosen to run for it when ever I see a relationship cos ive decided that relationships are made to end. Ive choosen not to give anymore of my heart away. I feel it’s a lot less hurtful. I still love, but without my heart intervening too much. iv let my head take control of my feelings. But the thing is ive come to a point where I might have to reconsider my self defense mechanism. But Im not sure if im strong enough to do so…. I need sleep…

-LadYDarK- [ Read More...... ]

A story of me, myself and my'melayu'team...

Believed it or not...?! I woke-up at 4.50am to pee, but..when I tried to close my eyes back, only my right eye could close easily...my left eye didn't want to close...shit! I felt like the Prime Minister of the Islam Hadhari Land who is said to not be able to sleep because he is supposedly thinking of a way to change this secular based nation into a pure islamic country...ark!But...there are also romours of a south east asian PM who just married who always sleeps even at important meetings...recently I heard the he sleeps on the road, true or not?I don't know! But for sure, like me...maybe that PM, wakes-up as early 4.50am to think of unfinished matters of his country...who knows?! As a solution and also out of bad habit, I smoke my 'peter'. then on my laptop and try to type something!But...what do I want to write?Yesss...last evening I read two posting of Dr. Clark Gable of Pulau Duyung about bloggers defination and my friend's blog, her post quit cool and the title was a story of leaf, tree and wind.... I'm sorry dear, Im plagiarizing your title, but don't worry I'll change it a lot! I am very sure there will great result if I colaborates thats two stories. So, there is good benefit if we love to read, at least my brain will not be dried out of knowlegde and most importantly my brain will not lack in ideas! Remembered someone's top post said "aku kena berfikir...berfikir...dan terus berfikir dan tak salah sambil-sambil itu, aku berzikir!".

Yes...without thinking long...I forced myself to name my post "A Story of Me, Myself and MY-melayu-Team...". Thats a big difference between mine and her post title. For sure, I will make this content cooler than her's. Ok...lets talk about my post, Yess...I want to write about M.E.L.A.Y.U and for sure I, myself was 'melayu'...What a shame of me to write something about Globalisation or world matters when at the same time, I still havent writen anything about me as a 'melayu'. Hey...nothing wrong with the title...? My mother is 'Melayu', My late father was 'Melayu', My brothers are 'Melayu', My Sister is 'Melayu', my sister and brother in law are also 'Melayu' and the all 7 my nephews and nieces are 'melayu' too. The most important thing is, I myself am a 'Melayu'! Enough?! No...I still have some more reasons to this title. In my independant country Malaysia which will be celebrating 50 years of its Independence that 'Melayu' said "MERDEKA", there was more than 65% of 'Melayu' in that land. Furthermore, there were a lot of associations or clubs or whatever we call it, were built in the name of 'Melayu'. The top one is called United Malay Nation Organisation which have more than 3.3million registered members including me. So...in bahasa I can say that "Melayu ini, macam-macam ada..." Read something cool that I qoute from Uncle Syed Hussien's journal;

"Tiba-tiba saya teringat satu dari sifat orang Melayu. Kalau mereka suka pada seseorang, mereka tidak memuji orang tersebut di depan. Begitulah juga kalau mereka tidak suka, mereka tidak akan menunjukkan sifat marah dan tidak senang mereka secara terbuka. Pelik, mereka yang mengaku sahabat, mengaku saudara Islam tapi tidak segan silu mengkritik, mengata, menfitnah, mengadu dumba orang yang mereka tidak suka di belakang. Untuk apa ‘telunjuk lurus kelingking berkait’, ‘pukul anak sindir menantu’. Yang ada diatas ditarik macam ketam dalam bakul, yang di bawah dilanyak, dipijak, dipukul beramai-ramai..."

To the 'Melayu' who are still dreaming by showing the 'keris' and and receiving RM50 tip offs to shout out "Hidup Melayu" did you know that there were two theories to define 'MELAYU' ? Have you ever heared about the defination of 'MELAYU' based on Yunan Theories which tells us about Orang Negrito, Melayu Proto and Melayu Deutro...?Or the defination of 'MELAYU' based on Nusantara Theories by Sutan Kadir Alisjahbana...? Ahhh...just forgot?!Hmm..its ok! Ok..next question, are you guys familiar with the person who is named Usman Awang? Ok...fine, you guys know him...Congrat! Lets read these two phases below :

"Melayu itu org yg bijaksana, Nakalnya bersulam jenaka, Budi bahasanya tidak tidak terkira, Kurang ajarnya tetap santun, Jika menipu pun masih bersopan, Bila mengampu bijak beralas tangan..."

"Meski telah memiliki telaga, Tangan masih memegang tali, Sedang org mencapai timba, Berbuah pisang tiga kali, Melayu itu masih bermimpi..."

That was first and sixth phase of the poem named 'MELAYU' by Usman Awang. I don't want to elobarate this poem, just think for yourself the messagge!Ops..don't forget, during the next assembly, you guys better get M16 rifles to replace the 'keris'!

Melayu is WEAK...by it meaning!!! Anyone wants to be angry me? Be my guest...to any 'Melayu', you have the right to be angry with me!I don't care, why should I?! I am 'Melayu' too! Long...long time ago, I read one article about 'Melayu'. that article said 'Melayu' itself was weak cause of it itself 'Melayu'. The prove...follow this step, please spell 'Melayu' in bahasa, M.E.L.A.Y.U ! please remove M and E, so...what left?L.A.Y.U...right?Find word 'LAYU' in your dictionanary, it will give you the meaning was wilt ; lose or cause to lose freshness and droop. That's what 'LAYU' means, what about english? Melayu mean Malay in english...for sure! Please do the same step and see what's left...? L.A.Y! My Concise Oxford Dictionary - 10th Edition, 'LAY' mean not ordained into or belonging to the clearly, not having profesional qualification or expert knowledge. Hmm..the meaning of 'layu' and 'lay' was quit same! Next...I'll try to find a new definition of 'Melayu' based on the 'Melayu' current matters and situation by use the meaning 'MeLAYU' and 'MaLAY' as my basic ideas...It's sound difficult but I'll try!Remember the question from 'Ahli Nujum Negara Pasai' to 'Ahli Nujum Pak Belalang'?!


"Di manakah letaknya...kekuatan Hang Tuah? Di kepalanya kah...?! atau dikerisnya kah...?! Jawab Ahli Nujum Pak Belalang "Kekuatan Datuk Laksama Hang Tuah...bukanlah dikerisnya atau di mana-mana, tetapi terletak pada huruf 'T', iaitu menyebabkan namya menjadi T.U.A.H"

How lucky Hang Tuah got a perfect name from his parents. But...remember Hang Tuah is also 'Melayu' same like me, and same like the rest of you who claims that your are 'Melayu' Remember the malay proverb "Nak Seribu Daya, Taknak Seribu Dalih...". Ok..I'll try..

As I am not here to talk merely on how LAYU Melayus’ are, I would prefer to discuss something along the lines of the paragraph I just quoted on Hang Tuah who if without his ‘T’, would have been Hang Buah or Hang Muah, haha! So lets for a second think of what MELAYU would have been if the ‘YU’ in MELAYU was substituted for something else…

The first one is MELAyan. Yes...this very much describes the 'First Class Minded' era and Human Capital idea promoted by the authorities. For more 'kick', I should also elaborate on MELAlak in this paragraph as these two words uniquely draws a picture of MELAYU.. Based on current entertainment scenario, teenagers are encouraged to MELAlak...don't believe? watch tv9 on saturday at 9pm.Before that, watch the same channel at 6.30pm! Are you familiar with this dialogue "Errr...pitching tu penting yerrr, pitching kena jaga...dah nak sedap dah tu, you 'up' lagi pitching you, sure you ada chance untuk menang...percayalah!" For sure, the MELAlak will get 110% support from the MELAyus’. Now, how does MELAyan connects to MELAlak? Obviously it does because the current top ‘MELAlak’ers are voted by SMS by the people who MELAyan! Admit it or not, you and I both know that we MALAyus can spend the whole day watching reality TV making ourselves oblivious to what reality really is…I guess...by year 2020, these two MELAlak and MELAlak will grow prosperously like the amount of mud that appeared after flash flood at KL...cant even get it off the roads!! Honestly...I think by 2057, MELAlak will be the top profession choosen by 'Melayu'! We'll see... For any parties joining the next general election, you guys better put the agenda to nurture these two types of 'Melayu' in your manifestoes. For sure...you will get plenty of votes and if SPR decides to implement the SMS for the voting...I am VERY SURE that that party will win...110%! On this suggestion, my confident is like Doug Hall (American Inventor) when he said "I put my whole reputation on this invention"

Third...MELAyang! Yes...MELAyang a.k.a Mat Rempit or as some of people call it, Remp-it! These parasite Malayu folks loves to fly on their bikes… again too proud or rather too stupid to realize that bikes are meant to be road on roads not to be flown on above roads…. Duhh. Describing the way MELAyang flies its like watching a Wau Bulan fly at 200ft off the ground while being controlled by 3year old girl, Yes...the Wau Bulan will drop any time...and anywhere! So thats the MELAyang... whom never fails to annoy the public… The most popular activity among the MELAyang community wopuld be illegal racing. Like others, JPJ charge me RM55 per year or 15.06849cents a day and I pay more than thousand to the insurance company for permission to use the road which is declared as road tax. But...unfortunately, I have to share this road with MELAyang...how risky is that?! Sometime I think that the recent move to decrease the road tax and increase the insurance is because our roads are getting more risky to use. Back to MELAyang, actually...we have to mention the 6-7 of ex-‘MELAyang’ers who turned a new leaf after being brought to the North Pole for a Winter Camp… they returned to their country as 'Melayu' again! If that so..its great, but what happens to the rest of the 6-7 thousand or maybe 60-70thousand ‘MELAyang’ers still ‘flying’ out there? I feel that what we are doing is "Memberikan pisang pada BERUK di Zoo dan membiarkan BERUK di hutan terus memberuk di situ..." … we should make that into a new proverb!

Forth...MELAntak! In bahasa, MELAntak..means eat like a mad in a single meal, but that was not that what I meant! 'Melayu' MELAntak...is the worst case scenario that happens today since 31st August 1957. Still unclear..? MELAntak is something our top notch people who are just never satisfied with their big fat pay check. News claims that our economy is blooming...on top of that, Malaysia's Annual Trade in year 2006 was RM 1,069trillion...amazing! what does it mean actually? Ill get back to you after I finish my MBA. but what I want to point out is this- are we among those 'marhaen' people who got the benefit of that trillion figure? Yes...the government servants got their increment. And that’s all the country is sharing with us! Unfortunately...only 1.2mil people in this country work for the government. How about the remaining 20million citizens and 5-6mil workers at the private sectors and how about the people work 'kais pagi makan pagi, kais petang makan petang..."?Either Aware or not, the growth of those who MELAntak, will pose the country many problems in 5- 1 years to come. In the most feared problem would be the separation of the 'Melayu' itself. The gap between the poor and the rich is enlarging. However, we should also give those who MELAntak a pat on the back for building up foundations and means to help other MELAyu. That's nice...help the choosen 'Melayu' (MELAyu who doesn’t really need help but are cronies) and at the same time, MELAntak will excused from tax...thats just nice!

The fifth one is MELAmpau… it shames me to elaborate on this. Take a moment to think about it and I bet you can come up with something to relate to this…its sad to know that so many of us has converted from MELAyu to MELAmpau.. it’s a pity…

Guess these five ‘MELAyu’s illustrates my view well… bet there’s more but lets not go there at the moment. I don’t mean to insult who I also am… like I said … My mother is 'Melayu', My late father was 'Melayu', My brothers are 'Melayu', My Sister is 'Melayu', my sister and brother in law are also 'Melayu' and the all 7 my nephews and nieces are 'melayu' too. I hope we MALAys will try to get a fresh and shiny start like on the 7th of last April somewhere at Pantai Cahaya Bulan when the picture attached was taken…

Aboo

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Father's Day...Call your parent now!

When the last time your boss got angry withyou? How did you feel...? Tensed..?Stressed..? Feel like quitting your job immediately? No wonder...my friend Ahmad Syamsul Wadi aka Wadi sent a 1 month notice last week... too much pressure at his work place... My friend Wadi will be joining other friend's like Haris Harun aka Haris Kurus in implementing their engineering skills by being a TEACHER to a future graduate, eh...no..no...LECTURER laa... Ops...that's only an introduction...

When I feel something as though as something is not right such as when im angry because of my Boss or if i have car problems...I found a way to relax... Ok..read this... last week I called my mother to tell her that I had just enrolled into a MBA course at OUM KB. She said while I heard her chuckle "Hmm...when do you want to give mummy money monthly...? hai...I guess, I need to wait another 2 years for me to get a taste of your earnings!". Then she continued to tease "Where are you gonna get the RM20k++ to cover your studies..?Or...you did you call for a sponsorship from mummy...?" . I know, she didn't mean to ask me to give her some money...cause I know her monthly income is more than enough to cover her daily expenses and much more bigger than my salary as a Company Coordinator...Wahhh! See...by teasing me like that, I knew that inside of her heart my mother is happy every time I call her. Its not about letting her in on the good news but its just about telling her something new about myself! Ask yourself...how do you feel when you hear your mother laughing because of you?

Ops...1 more story,last time... every first or second day of the month...my mother will call me and ask me couple of questions like...PTPTN...paid?House rent..paid??Car...paid??? Automatically I`ll tell her..."Beres !!!". To me the questions were not merely to ask but it was because she was concerned...but now, when I receive my salary, I will call my mother and tell her..."Err...PTPTN... paid!House...paid!!Car...paid!!!". At least I know she will be happy to hear about it.

Wo...woo...wooo...why am I talking about my 'mother', today is 'father's day'!!! Actually...my father passed away on Friday, December 30, 2004 same day as his 62nd birthday. Just to note that, IF my father was still alive he would be acting like my mother is now! I don't want talk about my father, too much memories with him makes me sad, just give him al-fatihah!!! suddenly i find myself thinking of my late friend's Arwah Ahmad Zulhafiz aka Bahouk (picture above)father ...What would he be feeling every father's day without his son...ark, I don't know!! So, just give to Arwah Bahouk al-fatihah too! One day...I will make a story about my friend, Arwah Bahouk...

Friends...please spare 10minutes to call your father, make him happy with something new about you! Not like me...I just have a 59year old women whom I call mother! But...I'll call her to tell something new anyway...

Aboo [ Read More...... ]