my duty, no?~*

I'm feeling extremely upset right now.

and you just looked on, even when I asserted my point by landing my cup a little harder on the glass table.

that nonchalant look.

don't look at me like that, when I step over the line a little.

don't look at me like that.

don't.

the more I reason with myself, the more helpless I feel.

the more I suppress it, the more it comes and grips me.

when I step back, don't push it further.

don't.

suppress and suppress and hide and pretend and smile.

be good. be nice. be docile. be brainless. be weak. be happy to be pushed around.

isn't that your forte, jas??

I'm so, so, so unhappy. and all of you just looked on.

it'sjustwhati'msupposedtodo,it'smyresponsibility,myduty,ihavenomindofmyown.yes.

Shimokawa Mikuni-Aitakute

Listening to her songs always bring back memories, no matter how much time has passed.
Her latest single (not exactly new).
It's such a lovely song.
Just like how things were - lovely.

(listening to music has become my escapade. My excuse. I'm seeking comfort in them.)

Random~*

"Nothing makes a person more productive than the last minute."

that made me laugh. It's so Jasmine.

"People who cannot find time for recreation are obliged sooner or later to find time for illness."

That's just an excuse for me to peel my eyes off my readings and give myself a break.

1.

Listening to jazz takes my mind off many things.

Jazz, Bossa Nova, chill-out lounge music...

they've got something in common for me: they practically invoke no form of emotion in me.

which is excellent, isn't it?

I get emotional when I listen to sad ballads, angst-filled rock, happy cutesy bubblegum pop... but when it comes to jazz, I hardly feel a thing.

It just sort of gives your amygdala a break.

And moreover, it's relaxing.

Which is why I'm listening more to 'Coco d'Or'.

Do check their songs out. :)

(btw, I feel stupid when I listen to happy songs when I'm not happy. Is it just me?)

2.

Let's see.

I believe I've been listening to 'Talking to the Moon' by Bruno Mars for what... at least 8 times a day?

"At night when the stars
light up my room
I sit by myself
Talking to the Moon"

3.

The only way to move on and improve is to know your mistakes, your flaws and imperfections and accept them.

acceptance doesn't mean condoning.

it means integrating them as a part of you and change, if necessary.

if changes are unnecessary other than making you happy (and probably only you), then some things are better off that way.

4.

Had the most awful insomnia I've ever had.

It was almost like a lucid dream, because I know I was dreaming of random people telling me theories of I/O psych and evolution and a bunch of nonsense.

the thing is, I don't even know whether I was dreaming I was dreaming or I was awake and nevertheless, dreaming/hallucinating about these awful things.

and I wasn't sure how long it lasted but I felt totally awake and as if I have never dozed off at all.

So I checked my clock and it was already 4am.

Great. but somehow, I managed to fall asleep and woke up the next morning feeling shitty beyond words.

5.

I think I'm too tensed up.

Like piano strings.

I remember telling ruzi, curry and amber that if you cut the piano string of a grand piano, be prepared to be disfigured if the string lands on your face.

Because the tension is so darn high. Like a few tonnes or something. (learnt this from my music elective)

I think the tension in me is about there.

6.

Just very grateful to be able to go out for a bit later on.

Gonna catch my highly anticipated 'Never Let Me Go'.

I hope

- I won't cry (hard to say, since I cried buckets while reading the book)

- the movie won't disappoint me (hard to say too)

- there won't be any irritating fellow who spoils the movie. I'll never let him/her off.

7.

decided to upload some random pictures.

Timbre night!

Gorgeous night view of the Singapore River

Happy Birthday Laomao! :)

alrighty, time to peel my eyes off the laptop instead.

Rumination~*

I feel so nauseated when I look at the workload.

I ruminate excessively.

And my sleeping time is all screwed up.

I think my whole self is disintegrating in a way.

I can picture my insides all twisted and brain all mashed up.

There's simply not enough time for everything.

I asked Mr Z if there are times when he feels that he doesn't have time for himself.

yes.

and yes for me too.

for being this strange creature who constantly needs breathing space and time to gather her thoughts and organize her life, I lose my sanity when things start to accumulate and clutter my mind.

or worse, when plans get messed up, I bite. be it myself or others.

I guess when it comes to this aspect of life, I am really tense and rigid.

"you've got to calm down, girl"

yes, but I'll need a large improvement in my cognitive ability in exchange for the 'happy-go-lucky' attitude.

(I feel utterly stupid when I read my readings)

urgh. I'm like preparing a battle or something. always worrying, stressing myself out.

I should really take up meditation.

Updates~*

credits

Feel that I've over-exerted my eyes and my brain.

When I came to blogger and contemplated on what to write, I suddenly remember what angela said.

"You always write so much in your blog! But no content!"

and all of us laughed really hard, because I'm guilty as charged. So, so true!

So, this shall be one with CONTENT, ahem.

1.

It's recess week!

yet, the amount of work is incredible. Readings and more readings (the sheer amount of readings for 'Darwin' is driving me nuts), projects, forum, term paper etc etc...

So much for this being 'recess' week.

It's really just a week jam-packed with lots of catching-up... not with friends but with work.

ahhh... the sad life of a student.

2. Timbre! (advance birthday celebration for Mou)

yes, call me a mountain-tortoise or whatever ulu-ulu creature you can think of, but it's the first time I went to Timbre.

It was a fantastic girls' night with the lovelies! :)

Lots of pictures taken, half of them are blur, another half have very poor lighting and I'll have to edit the brightness and contrast.

So... I shall wait for Mou's photos (quality assured with her dslr). :)

Anyway, the music was great, and the atmosphere was charged and warm (yeah I meant it literally too). Overall, I had so much fun hanging out with them!

It was awesome catching up with the girls, especially people like Angela, whom I hadn't chatted properly with (excluding the chance encounter on the bus to school one day) for a looooooong time.

Oh, and the cocktails and food there are not bad too!

The duck pizza and buffalo wings are must-try-s! :)

Everyone was so on and ordered alcohol.

PR had Sakura, Mou had Long Island Tea, Tako had Mango Sunshine, Joyce had Mango Mojito, Angela had Snowball...

and of course, I must have the drink with the most outstanding name eh?

I had 'Sex on the Beach'. (note the quotation marks OKAY, YOU DIRTY-MINDED PEOPLE)

Was persuading angela to get a 'blowjob'... XD

(now that I think about it, I should've drank 'Midori Melon'.)

Anyway, it was an unanimous agreement that Snowball wins hands down (tasted just like Sprite float) in terms of taste.

We didn't get drunk (the alcohol is pretty mild) but it feels as though we're drunk, esp PR and Mou, who just keep laughing even though there's nothing really amusing. hahaha.

Oh, and we gave Mou a Citigem pendant (with 0.2 carat of diamond) + necklace. :))))))))))))))

In the end, mou decided to treat us!!! A birthday treat from the soon-to-be-adult :)

We should have more of such gatherings, girls!

3. Phantom of the Opera

Decided to rewatch it with Mr Z (I really like this nickname given to him by the bins :)) and again, I fell in love with the songs and of course, Phantom, all over again.

look here for my very lousy recount of the first time I watched it in the theater with the choir girls. (it was 6 years ago). I watched it again a few days later and cried in the cinema. haha... feels so... teenage-y when I think about it now. :)

anyway, no matter how many times I watch it, I'll still feel the same way for phantom. :(

and thank you, Mr Z, for watching it with me though I know not everybody enjoys watching musicals. :)

4.

have been constantly bombarded with questions about my sister's engagement.

HAHAHAHA.

So ks' going to be my brother-in-law... HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

sounds so odd!

anyway, that night at the barrage, you can really see love radiate from both of them.

they're like... saturated with LOVE.

(while Mr Z and I were desperately trying to light the candle and sparklers (and we failed miserably))

and of course, I must talk about the very very memorable incident of which Mr Z rushed up to the roof of barrage to check if the lightsticks were bright enough/arranged properly and I was left there alone to arrange the lightsticks.

Many people crowded around and took photos/commented/squealed in delight.

"AWWWW.... so sweet!!! A girl's proposing to a guy!!!"

OH MY GOODNESS.

I turned around and stared at them, though they couldn't see my face in the dark and neither could I.

But dear me. totally, completely embarrassed. baaaah.

but anyway, project proposal is a MEGA SUCCESS. :D

and I feel sooooo damn happy for my sister. :D

gotta start thinking of what to wear on her wedding. XD KIDDING.

Jas: hey, let me play the piano for your wedding!

Jess: uhh... please don't chase my guests away.

:(

5.

Post-V-day was filled with so many excited recounts of lovely dates, presents etc etc etc.

(oh, did I mention how well-dressed and dolled-up NUS girls were on V-day? many of them looked really beautiful, carrying bouquets and balloons etc. Was discussing with mabel how out-of-place we felt, wearing really casual stuff.)

Anyway, I have been listening to many perspectives, views and stories about relationships.

and have also given my own perspectives.

I believe the bottomline is that a relationship should be one that's based on trust, respect, understanding and of course, love.

that's the very basic foundation, upon which, many other things are built - time spent together, various forms of investments, appearance (to a certain extent), behaviours, treatment of friends and family members etc etc.

Without the solid foundation, it's just a shaky structure which will not last long.

and of course, no foundation is ever solid enough. Time can errode the entire structure; you have to constantly fill the gaps, repair the damages and prevent it from chipping again.

a relationship shouldn't be calculative.

It shouldn't be just about taking and not giving and vice versa.

most importantly, both parties must find happiness in each others' company and mature together - physically and psychologically.

alright, that's just my take on relationships. I can go on and on but nope, it's getting late. :)

6.

my right eye feels like it's going to fall out of its socket soon.

7.

finished Torey Hayden's 'Twilight Children'.

the very first non-fiction book which I've finished reading.

I strongly recommend Torey Hayden to all my friends, especially psychology majors. :)

yay, now, apart from Murakami Haruki, Kazuo Ishiguro and Elizabeth Berg, there's Torey Hayden! :)

a new addition to my list of favourite authors. :)

I'm halfway through her 'Ghost Girl'.

8. 24/2!!!

I seriously can't wait for 'Never Let Me Go'. (do you know how freaking long I've waited for the movie?!?!)

AND NORWEGIAN WOOD. (it'll be screened in the picturehouse)

I hope they won't be disappointing.

9. So, so tired.

don't forget to count your blessings.

Goodnight, world. :)

tomorrow is another battle with work!!

Note to self~*

Have been writing a lot, probably because I've been thinking a lot too.

(and some things just can't be verbalized. and so, I write, backspace, write, backspace... these are things that belong only in my mind and will vanish soon... )

Ultimately, we are who we are because of what we do and who did what with us/to us, and what we did to ourselves/others and how the external environment interacts with circumstances...

and here we are - who we are. as of now.

Things I want to tell myself:

1. things happen.

when they do, it's because of a whole culmination of factors.

2. take each day as it is.

don't ask for more, don't ask for less.

3. don't compare. for when you retrospect, you'd chide yourself for giving yourself unneeded unhappiness.

4. don't wish for more, because you'll only find yourself losing even more.

5. don't sulk and whine all the time, because you'll have plenty of chances to do that.

6. don't hate yourself excessively, because you, your body, your mind has a way to get back at you.

7. don't be blinded by unhappiness. they're just mere distractions from a greater something.

8. don't underestimate/overestimate. you never know, really.

9. don't waste time lamenting... it's really just... a waste of time.

10. you're the reason why you feel lousy.

I'm tired. My mind is coming to a halt.

random things I wanted to talk about but have no strength to talk about:

pre-cny steamboat dinner

Project Proposal - Success

Meetup with the girls

for people who have been greatly overwhelmed these days, just remember that things will pass eventually.

though it's hard to believe, they will.

and now, let's all get some sleep.

tomorrow will be different.

Christina Aguilera - I Turn To You

one thing led to another and then there you have it - a moment of nostalgia when you're reminded of how nice songs from the 90's were. :)

anyway, Aguilera has some unbeatable vocals. seriously.

and that's how powerful her voice is, when she's...19?

and look at her EYES and the amazing head of WHITE BLONDE hair. and that nose, and those teeth! her face!

(when I was 19, I looked and sang like crap. And some things just doesn't change 2 years later.)

she's utterly blessed with awesome genes!

my my my. she's so darn close to perfection!

Open mind~*

We are all breathing and living.

yet, we can tread such immensely different paths.

living on the same planet, yet living in such different worlds.

have the same biological structures, yet such vastly different perceptions and thinking.

always

have

an

open

mind.

All I Ask of You~*

Music has cleared up my mind a little now.
Had that intense urge to delete the previous post.
I know I'll get told off by many people.

But I decided to leave it there.

Anyway, somehow, I decided to listen to 'All I Ask of You' (from the phantom of the opera).

It has always been one of my favourite duets.
Can really melt my heart...

Shall suggest it to my sis for her wedding.
(anyway, more details about last night's Project Proposal soon)

It has such a calming effect on me.
One of the sweetest, most romantic love songs of all time. (maybe I'm biased because I love 'Phantom of the Opera' sooooo much. made me cry buckets.)

the odd thing is that I feel for Phantom. Much more than Raoul.

RAOUL:

No more talk of darkness,

Forget these wide-eyed fears

I'm here, nothing can harm you

my words will warm and calm you

Let me be your freedom,

let daylight dry your tears.

I'm here with you, beside you,

to guard you and to guide you...

CHRISTINE:

Say you love me every waking moment,

turn my head with talk of summertime...

Say you need me with you now and always...

Promise me that all you say is true

that's all I ask of you

RAOUL

Let me be your shelter

let me be your light

You're safe, No one will find you

your fears are far behind you...

CHRISTINE

All I want is freedom,

a world with no more night

and you, always beside me, to hold me and to hide me...

RAOUL

Then say you'll share with me

one love, one lifetime

let me lead you from your solitude

Say you need me with you here, beside you...

anywhere you go, let me go too

Christine, that's all I ask of you...

CHRISTINE

Say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime...

say the word and I will follow you...

BOTH:

Share each day with me,

each night, each morning...

CHRISTINE

Say you love me...

RAOUL

You know I do...

BOTH

Love me - that's all I ask of you

Anywhere you go let me go too

Love me - that's all I ask of you