我喜欢信息那头有你也在等待的感觉。。。
因为我知道，信息那头总是有个人在陪着我。

还是暗恋最好。。。

暗恋至少不用担心对方喜不喜欢自己，更不用担心会吵架，会分手。。
虽然暗恋很累，时时刻刻都担心着对方开不开心，幸不幸福。
但是，暗恋时至少还可以对对方好。。
一旦表白了，朋友都很难做。。

我还是暗恋好了。。

today was a tiring but enjoyable day~~~ i really happy~~

well.. this morning i slept until 自然醒。 althought i like to sleep alot, but 自然醒always make me headache and restless for the day. but during my offday i really do like to sleep~

anyway, the point is i'm pretty tired coz i slept too much.. then suddenly my sis told me there is a rehearsal at eden. i was planned to watch movie marathon, but screwed up by my sis... haiz... but luckily u dun mind.. actually i really wanted to watch cz12 with u... may b next time ba~

when watching movie time, luckily u brought shinyan came. she just nice became the buffer between u n i. u noe what she told me in toilet? i say i prefer sit at the side, then she say, "i want to sit in the middle, wait, am i blocking u and tzyy jiun?" lol... i was really surprised~ lol.. but i think she just kidding. if not because of her, i might b really impulsive.. that's very good decision u made. =D

then i went for rehearsal, saw chua jia ying there. now she's very pretty and imba~~ she dance for the song we sing. then the rehearsal is quite time consuming... my sis n jiaying is quite picky. this not good tat need to change.. blah blah blah... so at the end i'm quite tired.. sing classical need to use a lot of strength... n i end up with broken voice... so from today onwards, i need to preserve my voice liao...

then when i got home, i realised i dun have my key with me.. lol... 太习惯ady... always u fetch me home, i really forgot to put it in my pocket.. lol... then the bbq is boring... coz i'm not really close with them, then i couldn't eat the bbq stuff too much coz of my voice.. so whole night is quite boring for me.. when i reach home, my mum is very angry. she is frus with my nephew coz he refuse to sleep. then my mum also quite tired ady. so i dare not go out and leave her with the baby alone. when my sis come back, i need to wait for her car to go coz she blocked my car. then i finally can go out, my mum wants to tag along. lol.... i dunno what's she thinking of. but i did nothing wrong, i have nothing to hide anyway. so i just let her follow lo..

i dunno la.. today is so tiring, but when the lights is off, i became more and more 精神。 weird me..

fug.... i cant SU my math....

anyway, next sem i will definitely fight until i get A for math. coz the F+A = D. so i'll only get 2.5 next sem... damn~~~

today is so chui... i was planned to tell my mum about my past, so i wanted to ask my sis for help. but then my bro wanted to tag along, so i decide not to say it now. but then my sis kept pressing sia... stupid ttm!!!

then we go buy stuff and walk walk.. at first is really enjoyable, coz i seldom go BP ma, so tons of stuff attracts my attention. after finished all my money on food, we went to eat dinner, suddenly my mum cried sia.. all of us so shocked and dunno what to do. ask her eat she also dun wan. ask her what happen she also dun say.. like damn angry to us... wa...

then i also din eat much lo... eat mango salad as my tea-time only.. once i reach home, i straight away sleep... too tired liao... when i woke up, my mum say she want to use my fon, so want me to exchange with her... do all the transfer of the contacts is a total waste of my time... so troublesome.... i hate it ttm coz mac is not compatible with nokia. so i need to manually send the contacts one by one via bluetooth.. fug.... then after i use the sim card to transfer, i delete my contacts so that i can import my mum's contacts from her fon. then i was idiot. i didn't check first. so 750 contacts in my fon, i only manage to transfer 250 to my new fon. crap...  furthermore the fon is so hard to use... the keypad is so closed tgt and not similar to neither galaxy y nor n900. i kept pressing send instead of delete.. omg.... *facepalm

not the day for me i think... so tired.... and the sun burned starts to itchy liao... aiyo..... suey ttm...

Again... I dreamt of ppl passing away...  Wth is going on???

I hate crying in my dream.. make me so exhausted... n I always wake up with muscle cramp every time I cried in my dream.  I really hate it.

Today I dreamt of YingRu, my ex. I dunno why... and it's  the same scenario. I didn't See her in the dream. But I saw her family members. I cried... so badly until I Couldn't breath... I think I couldn't take it when my love one passed away in reality.

What is this dream trying to hint me? 

Today went to Legoland~ so wake up early in the morning and rush out~ forgot to apply Sun block.. at the end my skin got Sun burned.. 

At there I met Jeff, a colleague from RC. She is butch, then my mum also saw her, n ask me m I one of them.. I was like... lol...  sst got a lot of Tom boy la~~ then I Faster change topic. She also din ask more.

I think she knew. I can sense it. But I dun dare to admit it before she ask me about it. I scared she can't take it... but I dun wish to keep it from her anymore... the more secret I kept to myself,  the lesser topic I can chat with her. Always worry when will I say the wrong thing or when will she Disowned me.. but to b Frank, I do wish to get support from family and friends.. I'm weak in self control...

Anyway, I'll take the advice.  1 more year. I'm not sure at that time I'll b straight or pure les, but I think I should b able to face it..

I failed my maths..  the worst result I had ever get... I dunno what to do next...

Please dun tempt me anymore... I m trying very hard to control myself here...

Phew.. Christmas isn't my favourite season of the year... 

so tiring...  full of tasks and duty... didn't really rest enough in this 3days. But I still enjoy the time spending with my family.

Today I'm really glad that u came. Although u missed most of the interesting part of the performance,but I still glad u came.

I glad u still willing to share your problems with me. I Noe I can't do anything other than pray for u. Thanks for sharing your trauma with me. I know it must b painful to u. Thanks for regarding me as your friend.

I thank god for everything he did in my life. All good or bad enriched my life experiences.. and made who I am today..

Okay~ Christmas is done~ coming up next is new year celebration... OMG...

好害怕。。。。

一见到你，似乎我所有的努力都白费了。。我好不容易终于想摆脱，可是面对你我还是无法自拔。与你种种的回忆，还是缠绕着我。。

我这次真的想改变。
但要我怎么做才能不畏惧地面对你？。。。

是不是又要多三年？。。

I still can't believe this is true...

I received a Christmas present from YingSze. A Venti size Starbucks tumbler. I'm totally shocked and stunned..

I was wanting to get a tumbler as Christmas present actually. But when I knew tzyy Jiun Didn't have the intention to buy one for me,  so I bought myself a tumbler as my own Christmas present to myself.

This is so scary.... how did she knew?? She Didn't even read my blog or talk to me for so long...  how did she know???

Merry X'mas~~~

Today was a busy day for me..  as usual, Christmas always is the busiest period in my family..  although I'm not at klg during Dec, I have no excuse for the task.  Haiz..

So morning I manage to steal some time from them to cut my hair, buy some grocery, shopping, meeting my friend. Afternoon went to church to do Christmas preparation and night caroling.. so pack... I dun have any chance to rest my eyes.. so at the end of the day,  my eyes r really dried...

I've made up my mind. Is the time to change. The moment I cut my hair, I told myself, "u r no longer butch.." I m gonna to give myself a year to See the change. I hope to See a totally different me too. 

First baby step, buy clothes that I dun wear. Next step,  I wore white lady tee for caroling.  

What's next? Change the way I walk?.. hmm... need guidance...

我今年最想要的礼物是。。。信任

That's y I hate to be at home.. my little bro is so irritating! He is like a Stupid stalker who spy on me all the time and read my msg aloud.  I can't even blog~~~ OMG... I really hate this little rascal!!!

Caffeine addiction?? Hmm... is it good or bad?..

Ya.. I didn't sleep last night, so I was pretty exhausted this morning.  Then out of no choice,  I drank some coffee to stay awake.  Surprisingly, I was hyperactive and energetic after drank the coffee. So energetic until I can run and feeling very happy whole afternoon. But after that is the caffeine crash...  really tiring. Then I drink tea instead. Coz too much of coffee will make my insomnia even worst.  Anyway, I was happy because I finally can go home and See all my babies at home~~ I really miss them very much~~~ and the final day of working at Sushi Tei in 2012 should make me feel good~ Haha~~ the best part is the scary colleague is off today, I felt so relieved~~~ lol

I was so tense this morning. Coz of insomnia and the stupid convert thingy. I just want to hear from u personally... just wanted to know how u think.. I am really happy n relieved when I heard from u that u wun force me to become anyone that I dun want to be.. then I think again.. think twice.. May b u r right. The feeling I felt during the time with u is not the same as the time when I was in love with my ex. It's quite different. Is comfy and relaxing, more like friend type not really couple type of love.. May b I was really confused coz I'm lonely for too long~~ lol... v r destined to b BFF. Knew u since form 3, even longer than I know YingSze. Is my bad, causing all these misunderstanding.

Actually I should thank xiao Peng you for talk me to sense. If she didn't counselling me last night, I might not even realized I was blinded by my thought. But my offer of pulling u out from ur improper relationship is really out of my true heart though.. anyway, it's not me who can decide for u, u yourself know yourself best just like what u said. No one is able to change myself unless I willing to change.

Coming home soon~ I really excited to meet everyone at klg~~~

我不需要多一个让我不得不带面具面对的辅导员，我需要一个可以让我放心卸下全部伪装坦诚面对的避风港。至今，我只遇到过一个这样的人。

这样的朋友，有着让我的心即刻安静下来的魔力。无论我有什么烦恼，只要有她在，我就可以完全不去想，安安静静的聆听我的呼吸，我的心跳。之间就是有一种默契，什么都不用做，什么也不用说，所有压力就可以得到释放。。。

我仍在寻找第二个像这样特别的朋友。

好久没有人那么有耐心想知道我的故事了。。。不是我不想说，只是没有人愿意听我说。。现在有了，可是我却那么害怕。。。拼命退缩。。我真的害怕再次揭开我内心深处的伤口。

难道我自己不知道我的问题出在哪里吗？其实我比任何人都清楚。。

我并不是不喜欢男生，我也为爱疯狂过。只是我当时伤的太深，发现爱太痛。。除非我真的遇到一个我可以托付终身的人，不然我不会再让自己再次承受那样彻彻底底的伤。

现在的我。。我不知道该怎么形容。。怎么说也说不清。不是没放感情，每段感情我都是全心全意，只是没有办法再像之前那样。。。总有一个缺口没办法弥补。

我今天发了这个post ，我知道意味着什么。

接下来，无论是你还是小朋友都会用尽浑身解数来想把我变回straight. 接下来你们都不会treat me as who I am, what I am nor how I am. 这就是我最不想见到的。。

为什么一直以来我都不说，为什么我不妥协，我需要承受的后果，你们又明白多少。。。

U r not in my shoe, u will never understand the hell I had been through..

说的比作的容易。。。不是我不想，我也是身不由己。。

这次答应了你留头发，下次又要答应你什么。。。

我只是想作我自己而已。。。
这样的要求很难吗？。。

Today I was runner again. Luckily I was runner,  because the walking distance is shorter so the burden to my legs were not that bad.  Din really sleep last night so I was quite tired. 

Then yesterday I was joking around with this 小朋友, coz she left early,  so I was super busy because they shift my ppl to another station. Then I asked her to make bento for me to 赔罪~ who knows this little girl so silly,  she really cook fried rice for me.. lol...  so silly, 太好骗了~ although it is simple but I appreciate her effort. This might b the last time I'll See her this year~ lol.  Coz I'm going home on Sunday~~~~ finally~~~

I think I already get addicted to caffeine.  Without caffeine I am so tired. Today I drank peppermint mocha using my new tumbler and I'm quite energetic for whole day. Before I drink it,  I was so dead and sleepy... cham lo..  caffeine addiction is hard to stop de...  OMG....

I really wanted to watch movie... at least 1 movie when I'm at klg. Any movie will do... I need a break.

Was crying too much last night.. my eyes r swelled.. 

I believe I did cried in my dream too... coz when I woke up my pillow is wet.

I got nightmare.. so scared.. so sad... I really hate nightmare. Because I always got deja-vu.  If I woke up but still remember my dream, it would really happen is future..  tat's y I hate deja-vu.

I dreamt of Bao Fong.. dreamt of someone told me the news of her decease. I was so shocked and rush to her house,  then saw all the family members were doing the ritual preparation for funeral. I break down when I saw the situation...  But I didn't See her there. Then I asked her bro when will she come back.he reply 3days. I was shocked... 3days?? Then he say, she went jb for music concert only..

Then I woke up in sweats. Immediately text Bao Fong to ensure she is alright...  so scared.. Why I got this kind of dream??? 

Well... today was really a crazy day.. only 3person working per station. That's ridiculous.... plus only 1 person in the station is senior, who is me, the other 2 are still in probation... OMG....  I Noe I am strong,  but not that strong until I can fly and run and got 千里眼 or super memory power also... 玩我么？？！

I was scolded, miss order,  scald by food, burned, blue black, broke glass. What else could still happen?  All the bad things happened. What else could b worst than these??  Then the stupid thalassemia cause dizzy and short of breath when I run too much make me so hard to concentrate...

Totally failure. Shame on u!!

I hate this job when most of the ppl go home early.  Make me so angry. 你拿工钱我也拿工钱，为什么我要做两三个人的份？而人家就可以在那里当木头人？？？

累得我只想哭。。在Sushi Tei三年我从来就没有那么累过。。又气又累。结果真的忍不下去了，又在巴士上哭了。。。连旁边的Uncle都吓到。

最恨就是我姐姐！我人还在新加坡，她就开始打我的主意！又要我帮什么？又要我做什么？？我根本就没有假期，不就是打工再打工？？都已经没有跟你们要生活费了，全部我自己扛，你们还想要怎样？难道我连星期日都不能休息？？回去一星期，有哪一天不是排到满？有哪一天不是当保姆？还要练彩排。。。我哪里有休息日？有哪一天是属于我的假期？？不是比我呆在新加坡更惨？

我不想发火，可是我已经忍无可忍了。说到底，你们又会说是我的错。如果当初我没有坚持要来新加坡读书，现在也不会那么辛苦。说到完，就是我咎由自取。

全部都是我的错！

It's all my fault..

I am really tired of always taking the first step... I felt so cheap n unwanted..  why I m always the one who is serious and hurt so badly...

May b it's all my fault. I shouldn't fall in love with u in the first place...

Ya.. it my fault

flying like a superman...

today i was really very tired.. not enough sleep plus working with my scary colleague. i have to be superman so that i wun get scolded.. so i am really literally flying whole night.. then i really din kena scold~ wakakaka... but i am exhausted coz i run too much..

说好听点，是我不想被骂，说难听点, 是因为我不想让自己有时间胡思乱想。。
一静下来。。。我就无法控制我的情绪了。。

hopefully i can really sleep well tonight...
been insomnia for 3 consecutive days already... how long can my body last??

Zzzzzzz.... I'm so exhausted..  din slept last night.. I didn't drink any caffeine drink also.. just couldn't sleep.. I dunno what happen also.. so tired...  whole body is so painful.. mind too.  Exhausted.

Time to work...  time to die~~ lol today work with the scary colleague... OMG...

糟了。。。

一静下来，就好想哭。。。

原来无论做什么准备都是没用的。。

是我太傻。

LTJ, please read this..

I dunno is this the right time lo do this,  but I Noe the longer I drag, the lesser confidence I have in myself...

I'm really very bad at this...  I really dunno how to confess leh..  T_T

Can't believe I'm actually trembling now... what to do... so worry.. so scared...

Happiness seem incomplete without your presence... Every emotion of yours trigger mine too.. 

I dun dare to wish you will accept me, but at least don't stop me from loving u. I know I am not your type, but I still wish to stay by ur side... 

No worry.. I wun make u feel awkward or whatever. Will b still friends always. But do remember I'll stay behind u always, when u tired and wish to seek shelter, I will b here for u. I dun mind b substitution or whatever.

Not to worry about me. I'll be fine. As always does. 

well... i would never touch gambling again~ not interesting to me

today is my buddy's gf birthday, so i went out to celebrate~ then her mum show up.. i was so scared the situation will be very pai kua.. coz my buddy is butch. then at the end the mum never say anything and never show black face also... i was shock~ how open minded is her mum... how much i wish my family also like that.... but i know it's not possible..

but actually my mum din force me to get bf anymore. i think she also accept the truth that i am like this. she told me i can be carefree. she got my bro's and sis's children to take care of, she let me choose my future. she said if i really dun want to get married, is ok~ i was so happy~~~

anyway, after bringing my buddy's gf's mum to tour at MBS casino, i went to play a few rounds. then i was blur and dunno what is happening. i was like... wth.... then lost money.. luckily i only play $7 and i lost $6. still lucky~ lol... but i dun think i will play again. so boring... my housemate whom go with me lost $50 and $10. one bet on big small another play the stupid machine with me~ lol...

today is really quite tired.. is worsen than working..  walk too much liao...

i couldn't find the thing i wanted to buy.... so vexed... hope i can find it before i go back...
count down-ing... 7 days to go back...
finally can meet u again....

为什么我的直觉告诉我你已经知道了呢？... hmm...  but u acts like u dunno anything... hmmmm....

Anyway, I'm very happy because of u~~ chatting with u in the morning really brighten up my day~~ although I was waken up by cramp n stupid kompamg cheering.. but I felt warm and bliss from u... That's make me so happy~ *^o^*

真希望每天起来第一件事就是跟你聊聊天~

I dun need everything nor anything, I just need to stay by ur side, and I'm satisfied ^ω^

I sincerely thank God for putting u in my journey of life~~~

To LTJ...

I kept telling myself to give up. But the more I told myself, the deeper I fell...  I couldn't denied... u have a place in my heart even when I didn't realized..

But deep in my heart,  I knew..
我配不上你.

I'm not wealthy, couldn't give u the life u having now. 
I'm not good looking, nor good in  fashion sense... u wouldn't be proud to go out with me...
I'm not smart, couldn't help u in your academic... I might even need ur help...

I dun have anything... how dare I declare my love to u?.. I dun even have the confidence to trust myself..

what I have is only faithfulness. But I think u dun need that... 

What can I say?  What can I do?..

I can only stay behind of u and give u all my support. Whenever u need me, I'll always be there.  That's the only promise that I can make.

I dunno when will u See this, I dun even think u will read my blog.. but at least I did my part not to regret myself..

If u really saw this, would u give me a chance?

i can hear the sound of my heart breaking...

well.... when i am serious, u think i was kidding... nice....
this time i am serious, but u still think i am kidding. it's clearly that u will reject.
i am not young anymore. i dun have the ability to withstand 1 more blow of failure...
i had told myself, not to make myself so painful anymore.

与其付出的死去活来，不如等待别人来欣赏我的好。

i wun be silly anymore... no more heart breaking, no more regret i would do to myself.
this would be the last time..

phew... this is like.... heartbeats 240..

well... today... somebody asked me about who my crush it.. it's kind of awkward... coz the crush is the person who asked me. so i was like.... "hmmm... hmm.... just friends lo~" i am not ready to confess yet.. coz i dunno is she ok with relationship like this.. this is not an easy road... quite a lot of ppl just gave up to the reality... and she is the last friend i left now... i cant afford to lost her... really...

then she told me about her relationship. i was like stunned for quite long... i dunno how to react... i knew she is always texting someone. but i dunno that's her bf.. n about the watch... i really dunno what to say... just stunned...

i almost asked her to be my gf just to pull her out from that relationship. almost! really that's close. i dunno... really dunno....

is not like i really know her very much. but 日久生情 kind... i also confuse.. if she asked me to list down what i like about her, i couldn't.

i'm such a timid person... idiot ttm!!!

only 1 thing that i can 100% confirm is, i couldn't afford to lose her.

give me a break please....

my buddy kept psycho me to woo the little girl in our outlet. but this is damn weird~ coz i dun really like small children. = =" 7 years difference make the "language" barrier very wide. i dun really like that...

then 一波未平一波又起。。。my buddy's girlfriend is damn flirty... kept tagging on me and another butch. make my buddy so jealous. i am annoyed also... i dun like other girl touch me. i should say, i dun like other ppl touch me other than my gf. make me feel so insecure. like i was cheating... omg... >=[ just hate that kind of feeling.

and so many ppl are confessing today... so silly~ lol...

我不想破坏我们之间的完美比例。这样每天聊聊就好～我只是需要有个伴～

Dun tempt me please...I couldn't afford to risk again...

I really dunno what to say when u told me u lost your watch...  especially it was from ur ex bf. And may b is time to change new one.  If I say I'm not happy, that's not true because may b u can move on n let go the past... but I couldn't say that coz u r really sad about it....

I hope it's really I thought too much.... not planning to lost u...

oops~~~ 东窗事发～～～

somebody knew the fact that i am bi but pretending like dunno anything~ lol... this is so weird..
i knew this would happen that's y i dun say anything about my past relationship and never asked anything. i dun expect her to know anything also since i already 改邪归正。argh.... so troublesome.... next time i dunno how to face her liao la....

i think ppl who born on 1991 sure got problem with me. 冤家路窄。。。sure got issues de... hell yeah...

good luck to me then..

工作了三天。。。我真的快死了。。。。喝redbull真的是错误的选择。喝了比没喝还要累！而且是直接虚脱。。。。omg。。

我现在很害怕坐下。一坐下要再站起来走路就好痛！痛的我想哭。。。我的脚是直接痛到动不了。vivo真的太可怕。。。原本是走，然后是快步走，最后是用来跑的。到最后竟然差点跌倒！。。。真的是服了我自己！！！做那么久了竟然还会wrong order？？而且不是一次，今晚已经超过三次以上了。。。如果真的扣工钱，我看今天都白做了。真的很生自己的气！累了就休息啊！！！为什么要犯这种只有新人会犯的错误？？？

还好明天不用早起，好不容易有2-10。。。该好好休息。。

我真的是太累了。。。累得我只想哭。

还是因为我害怕？。。害怕所有付出的努力都是白做？

为什么我会那么在乎这科早就已经放弃的科目？还是因为我真的努力太久，累过度了？。。。

我好累。。不想去想别的了。。。

RIP chenyong...

I was so shocked and stunt.. dunno what to say nor think when i heard the news that he passed away... I still couldn't believe that he left... he is so young... still so young..... i am regret that i didn't fulfilled his wish that he wanted to take graduation photos with us.. i did gave him promise that i will take a photo with him but i didn't manage to do so... i'm so sorry....

i really wish he was left without pain...

you will be missed... always...

i dunno what to say... life is so fragile...

i was so shock when i saw him again... in this state, i really couldn't accept the fact.. he used to be a very healthy and cheerful guy. always saw him as the first person i met whenever i went to sch during poly.. although we are not close friend, but we did spend some fun time together, we did chiong project and assignment together and stay back in sch until late night for games.. now i think back, he is in most of my poly memory since i left my cliques...

i cant control my emotion when i saw him.. really difficult... especially when heard his brother convey his last will to us, i cried... i never know losing a friend is so painful... i never been in this situation before.. this is really painful.. that kind of pain that i dunno who can i talk to... i am lucky that i visited him today... at least i still can feel his warm hand again, not a cold body.. jiayou chen yong.

life is so fragile.... just a fall.... from that fall, all the bad lucks begin...

it's a back to square one...

u are avoiding me, since the day u wishes me.... are v going back to the pathetic old past again?.. i really dun wish it to happen actually..... it had been tough for us to went through and walk away from it... i dun wish the same thing happen again to you again. it's too painful... n u dun deserved to go through all these..

i dunno what to do now.. leave u alone and cuts all the connections? or keep bugging u until u get used to it? which way would helps to reserve our friendship? i seriously dunno.. it's not my call this time..

I dunno what to say to you...

hmmm.... i think i replied everyone's wishes on fb... but i refuse to reply yours...
kind of dunno what to say... may b i will write u an letter instead~ LOL...

but i think i'll just say,
"It's so nice to have you being my fiend~"

I really cherish everything i have. I am blessed.

this might be the worst birthday thay i ever had. so stressful!!!

I had a essay submission on my birthday and have exam tmr, in which is the subject that i worry the most... I have no confident at all.. very big potion of my overall marks on this exam, really stressful...

my finger never stop today... keep rushing for report and coding.. n i dun even have time to give myself a good birthday meal. the worst time i ever had... i can accept that whole world dun celebrate with me, but i cant tolerant myself ill treat myself at my birthday. i'm so sad and hate myself on this...

again.. u r not there when i need u the most....
i noe i asked for too much... a wishes from u may b is the most u can give me.. not 1 minutes of chat. not even 10seconds....

i couldn't calm myself down... i just doesn't have the strength to do so.... i never feel so helpless in programming before.. what to do?.... no one is there for me...... 

even 3 seconds is sufficient...
but u wun.

cry on birthday?. what a nice way to end my day...

happy birthday to me

first post when i am officially 23.

i was waiting, n when i got your reply, i am contented. this is the birthday that i wanted...
i thought u already forgotten this day as i seem like nothing to u actually...
i cant denied that i am sad to heard that u had forgotten everything regarding me, but i glad that u acknowledge that we will be friends.

life is nothing but making choices everyday. i am adult now, i take full responsibility in every decision tat i made. so i cant blame life, i should blame myself? lol... no. i conquer them, i dun admit defeated, never. i might not have the strength to win the life, but i tried to survive thru. i cant agree wit what u said.

lol... but each and every sentences that u said to me, meant the whole world to me. sometimes inspiring, sometime devastating. haha.. but i still take every word seriously.

thank you for remembering my birthday without facebook. may our friendship last forever.

i luv u my soulmate, thank god for introduce u into my life~

i wun cry. i promise myself not to shed for u anymore. i supposed to be happy now.

every year around this period i am always down...

how many years since the last time i laugh sincerely from my heart?
how long did i really celebrate my birthday with joy?..
i dun remember... cant recall......

i cried. i dunno is because of the drama or is because of my heart is so painful...
drama is just an excuse...
the sorrow that i hid, came back to me....
overflow me...
overpowered me....

i cried.... from the deepest, darkest side of my heart....
why are u still torturing me?....

how do i live my life from now on?....

i really hate myself so much....

i detest this state of mine.
lost my soul and lost my mind...

i really hate myself

万事互相效力，叫爱神的人得益处

well... today i learnt new lesson from my detest poly lecturer...

i think my mindset isn't right. but i refuse to face it coz i still innocent enough to think that i still able to slack and last minute will still works for uni just like what i did in poly. (although i didn't slack in poly at all).. just that kind of innocent thought. then when time goes by, i realise is harder and harder to catch up, my body just refuse to chiong anymore and just gave up without even trying.

this lecturer is the one that always has prejudice against me. he is bias to bright student and dun even bother to answer my question. so i hate him so much...

today i saw him in canteen of my school. then i wish so much that he dun see me and walk away... who knows he saw me and share table with me.. i was like... doom.... then he say, "why are u here?" .... obviously i am student right? cant he tell? "study lo~ why are u here then?" "I'm doing master here." i was like... i can feel my jaws fall to the ground... then he say he is nus alumni summore. and talk a lot about the teaching and study styles in nus... then he analyse to me that why nus is so tough as compare to other uni in sg. coz of the ranking. in order to maintain the world ranking, the student produces by the sch must be on certain quality. so it cant be simple, it cant portrait the quality of the student. and in order to have high quality student, the studies must be hard. what make a NUS graduates stand out among the others is how knowledgable and how easy the nus grads can solve a difficult problem as compare to the rest.. higher the competition, higher the quality. my lab TA is actually my TP senior. so surprise. he proves to me that poly grads is not inferior than JC, what make the difference? JC student are strong in math and literature, but we poly grads also have our strength. what make the difference? why china and vietnam student can perform better than us although they facing language barrier, what make the difference?? your competitor does not have 25 hours a day, does not have 2 brains, they are just another normal human being,  just like you. you face difficulties, they face the same difficulties too. why they can surpass the challenge, why cant you??

i cant denied that, he is saying the truth. i totally agree to that. if i want an easy degree, i can choose to go to other uni, but i choose NUS because i know how valuable is the cert after 4 years. i choose this path isn't it? what make me lost my initial passion and faith to conquer this degree? just because of these small and minor threats and i admit defeated?? this is not me. i have to accept the truth that i am no longer kids, i'm no longer under the big umbrella of protection anymore. is the time to face my failure and pick myself up. if i dun do it myself, nobody would. if i choose to fail myself, no one can help me.

although i hate him, but i have to thank him very much. he did make my sense come back when i am at the edge of giving up.

m i still consider living? i cant even feel my existence...

i dunno what happened to me.. so tired and annoyed by everything... i thought i am ok and i thought i had caught a glimpse of uni life management skill... but i think i failed badly...

failure once is accident, failure twice is coincident, failure 3 times is human fault. 

i am sure all these is my fault... cause i am really big failure here... may b programming is really not my strength, but i kept hold on to it... WHY? what i like is not what i good at. i thought i have the passion to overcome everything. why effort and workdone is never equal? 事倍功半了吗？

i really think depression is so near to me... 

yesterday was doing research for depression, then saw the symptoms. is like i got 4 out of 5. the last one is i havent feel i am worthless. but today... i did everything i could and i still fail my test. i did improve all my error from previous failure, but i still fail. what is wrong with me???? kind of lost faith in everything i do.... feel so weak and useless...

nothing is as easy as give up...

我好不容易终于定下决心，决定不回头了，为什么偏偏这种时候找我？

伤过了，痛醒了，就连喜欢是什么都不知道了。。。

今天大头突然跟我说，晚上找我出去吃饭唱歌。可是我这个星期有考试，所以不是很想出去。然后她就说，“我有女朋友了！想带给你看看。然后她的朋友也是单身，想找个伴。。”其实我第一个反应是，“哦。”没有特别想去的冲动，也不想去。更应该说是我已经害怕受伤了。与其一次次让自己片体鳞伤的回来，不如不要踏出这冒险的一步，回头不是更好吗？ 说真的，我真的累了。没有力气再让自己付出，更没有勇气喜欢别人。

这个星期五考数学，其实本来我已经放弃了，可是就是不甘心。。不想retake任何科目。就算必死无疑也要撑过pass。所以上个星期有回居銮，就找璎持出来救命。我的策略是专攻其中两个chapter，其他的不会就算了。至少不会交白卷。

我觉得这次我成长了许多。或许以前是我从没放弃，所以每次见面都是折磨，但这次见面我竟然完全没感觉。难得的释怀。就好像很久没见的朋友一样，竟然可以聊天了！是我的改变她终于看到了吗？还是我的决心终于有成效了吗？我好像突然间不想再作les了。没感觉了？我不敢说，但是我觉得我已经可以平常心地面对她了。没有冲动，没有假想。就是朋友一样。仿佛就好像回到刚刚认识她的时候，那种单纯的关心。我觉得唯一没变的是，“知我者莫若璎持也～” 过了那么久，她依然是我心里最了解我的人。虽然很久都没联络，但是那种沉默就能传达意思的默契，依然存在。

天蝎座不需要很多朋友，知己一两个就足够了。

今天一直泻肚子。是喝太多橙汁了吗？

i think depression is not far from me ady...

recently kept seeing the signboard regarding depression. one of it really fits my situation.

"I don't feel like (i can do anything) going to work (is just pointless)."

I had that feeling for whole week of week 5. really depressing.. no matter how much effort i put into maths, it just didn't change anything.. *sigh....

attitude? mindset? i dun understand... there r things that are beyond my control... no matter how hard i tried, it just does not have any improvement... i'm kind of lost faith in "practice make perfect" ady... efforts is just useless...

i shall stop now. shall stop all the nonsense that i am saying now coz my mood is super bad now.

first day after term break yet so hectic... 

kill me please....

hectic sia.... i need to have a deep breath now...

phew.... really tired.. both mentally and physically... just have some time to sit down and write a list for myself on what i havent do for the week.. end up i have a pretty long list... fainted~~~ this kind of Uni life is really not what i expected actually... too much difference from poly ady... i dunno whether is i choose to put so much weight on myself or uni life is actually so intense... really like in a lost island and no help is given... "we are here to serve you, provide help.. blah blah blah" i dun see the "free time" of mine to see these lecturer actually... my timeslot is so full even without tutorial and lab in it... omg.... how to survive??

am i aiming too high? a second class honor is too much for me?

can i have 48 hours a day? i have so much to do but i have so little time left...

I have to say, 4 months is really a killer to me...

First week of school is like hell to me... every lecture is like so torturing... the only problem is i couldn't focus... most probably is because my English level is decreasing after 4 months of rest. basically in the 4 months, i didn't use english as much as i do in poly. and the concentration i have in poly is weaken after so long... argh.... i think long vacation is bad for studies!

so i feel very tired and exhausted after each lecture, coz i think i spend double even triple of my strength to maintain the concentration and trying my best to understand what the lecturer said.. this is so mind challenging... i really wish i can back to that kind of determination that i have during poly.. i should, actually. just too lazy to bring my laptop to sch coz this bag doesn't have padding, so it is extremely heavy to my shoulder.. anyway... i think i should really do so... i wasted too much time to regain my strength today.. should go back to full power blast mode now..

nite world. i need to recharge my battery for more challenge tmr.

now you just somebody that i used to know...

today is the last day of my lifeless life. tmr everything should go back to normal. school life begins...

i'm still wondering is this the right thing i did?.. stay awake until morning to clean the house coz tat's the time when everyone is sleeping? hmmm... i think i looks like idiot..

whole week party outside~ now i feels so hard to believe i did such crazy life... last day, enjoy to the fullest!

一次次看到你的名字旁的绿点，一次次的想问你好不好，一次次的想知道你的近况，一次次的把信息改了又改，却也一次次的按下delete，关掉chat。。。

我到底还想折磨自己到什么时候？多少次告诉自己不能再对你有任何感觉，不可以再这样喜欢你。我到底还想怎样？是我长得不够好看，是我不够有钱，是我长得不够高，是我不够资格。这一切我都承认，也都知道。都知道不可能了，我为什么还要关注你的消息？让自己伤了再伤，痛了再痛。。就算傻也该有个限度吧？我已不是三岁小孩，没有资格再耍赖，也不可以再幼稚下去。到底还想怎样？如果我可以忘记一切多好。。如果当初我没有去看你的表演我可能就不会知道你这个人，也不会认识你，也不会喜欢上你，也不会像现在这样那么痛苦。。

我好累。。。

10.08

this is an important date... every year i will remember this date, but i dun think u noe i do... this is the day that i first work with u and fall in love to you...

anyway, this is all past... nobody want to remember it anyway...

today we went to korean BBQ place to have MP team gathering. then v going to give birthday surprise to my artist. then i think i did a stupid idiot thing... coz her sista is sitting at another table, so i ask her does she want to sit tat table with her, but then i didn't realize my programmer wanted to sit with her, so she is like hesitate to take the seat, so i just sit down and problem solve. then after the meal, we discuss where to go but it was too late, so v decide to go home. then the whole bunch took east direction and i live west side, so i stay for west train. then my artist stay back, coz she going to outram to change to purple line.. then my programmer stay also.. then i was like... stunt for 3 seconds.. then i say a idiot sentence... "where u two want to go? dating?" i was kinda regret to say tat... omg.... then is like awkward to the max.... i didn't realised sia.... then... end of story...

i did feel 可惜.. long story... haiz... but this is my choice, cant blame anyone.. so i think he really deserved this lovely lady.

recently was rotting at home.. everyday sleep ard 3 or 4 and wake up ard 1pm. coz i cant leave sg until i got my student pass, so i cant go anywhere for vacation... so ya.. stuck at here.. watch anime and shopping at cold storage.. ya..

oh ya.. blood test. positive for thalassemia. so need to eat folic acid everyday, but i already did this since last year. so not much difference to me. just that the doc also cant explain why i dizzy and headache so frequent. he say is not related to thalassemia. so my mum said should be stress. but is this a little bit overboard? may b studying at nus gave me so much stress.

finally.. finance.. yeah..  money money and money... hate this much.. the loan havent come in, bursaries havent come in, living expenses havent come in. nice.. bills havent settle, rent havent settle, living expenses dunno how... nice nice nice~~~ what a wonderful life~~

其实经过上次的初步报告，我觉得我有遗传Thalassemia，可是没做过深入的检查。这个星期我晕的次数太频密，缺氧的情况越来越严重，轮不到我不小心注意，因为真的太危险了。虽然症状和防范措施我都知道，但能做的我都做了，情况还是没改善。。。说真的，这次我真的很怕。。如果我就这样倒下，会怎样？我身上的负担该怎么办？。。以前我可以不顾一切，现在我不能。以前我的世界只围绕一个人转，现在围绕家人而转。。要顾虑的太多。。我真的怕。。下一秒我会不会就这样倒下，我自己都没把握。。

如果你还在，我现在是不是不会那么孤单？会不会像现在那么无助，害怕面对？

或许，你永远也不会知道。。因为我已经算不上是你的朋友了。对一个陌生人，“关心”也是多余的吧。。

phew... finally....

recently my schedule is really very very pack... full of admission stuff.. First of all, i had moved back to sg and currently settling down at "Clementi" actually is Bukit Timah to be exact.. Anyway, i think as long as i stay at west side, any place is fine with me, so i din bother much.. So last week and this week i was like 搬家工人.. moving my luggages from m'sia all the way to sg... n coz the house doesn't have landlord, so is a big mess all around... aiyoyo~~~~ spend almost everyday to clean up a bit n a bit of the house. the worst place in the house is the toilet.. really cannot take it... too disgusting liao.... n need to use it everyday... wa.... i almost fainted the first day i visit the house... @.@ the craziest thing i do this week is stay awake until 4am to wash the toilet. coz i put the bleach tablet in the toilet bowl, then they flush it away... = =" waste my tablet sia...

then this week like everyday need to go to sch. everyday different things need to settle. aiyo... why poly not so troublesome n now everything i need to do myself leh?.. i still have ezlink card havent do n 1 course havent waive. arrrrr...

tues i went to do my registration, then i am so stupid. i didn't prepare anything n just went. on the way i just open my booklet n read, then i realised i got so many paperworks need to prepare.... i dun have printer summore.... T-T then sms some of my NUS friends and run here and there to get the paperworks done.. omg... damn shaggggggg....

wed morning need to go for medical checkup and do my GIRO. so wake up early in the morning, dash to sch for medical checkup and endless wait wait wait.... after like 1.5 hours, then went to DBS bank at NUS, n wait wait wait n wait to get a signature done.... = =" i waited for 2 hours... solid 2 hours. hell yeah.... then the officer just sign n give back to me in 30 seconds. nice~~ afternoon went to sign loan with my parents at NUS.. then bring them to my new place to visit. LOL... my dad said this place is better then previous one... LOL....

i am damn shagg today.. finally have some time to write blog, but i think my mind and body is under too much stress, i am so exhausted and suffocate.. i really have no idea what happen to my body. like very hard to breath even if i breath as usual... m i dying?? = ="

so i just sleep thru the day and now i'm still feeling dizzy.. need to adjust my life back to sg style... 4 months is really too long....

welcome back~

wow... KL is an awesome place~ full of surprises and madness!!!!

today v went to a few places n do crazy things~~ firstly we woke up late, supposed to wake up by 10am and go dim sum, but then v both too lazy, so wake up ard 11 and went udon instead. then got into traffic jam, damn hungry~~~ then lost our way too~ LOL... but eventually v found my cousin's udon shop, quite nice =D

then v head straight to genting after lunch.. this is super crazy... i never thought she will drive up to genting, i always thought she will take bus or cab with me to go up.. LOL... we initially using GPS, but the gps like kisiao one, dunno lead us to where... then v follow instint n lost our way~ LOL... then follow gps again, hahaha... finally reaches genting n realised the starbucks there is renovating... ==" so we went walk walk and high tea at coffee beans instead =) i love the earl grey there!! very nice!! must buy the tea bag when i go next time.. i longs to visit genting since 3 years ago, but nobody want to go with me.. so when christine said she want to go genting with me, i was so happy n excited!! the journey go up is tough n it hurt the car a lot for a trip to genting.. i feel so bad... but i am really like a kid when v reach genting~ cold cold~~~ hahahaha... really like the weather =) expecially when i saw smoke coming from my mouth xD really enjoy the time at genting~~~

then after v came down, we went to eat bak kut teh, very nice one~ but before that is another round of crazy traffic jam. but nvm~ the scenary is nice~ i saw rainbow!! a full semicircle rainbow~ n the sky looks very nice too!! i love the te ka cho~ authentic taste =P

after dinner we went to buy movie ticket, midnight o!!! super excited~ my dad never allow me to watch midnight movie other than CNY first nite.. haiz... so i am super excited~~~ then while waiting for the time to pass, v went to a pub n drink~ i had a bit of motion sickness from genting, so i just order virgin mojito. hmmmm... unexpected spicy~~ coz of the pepermint leaves, but overall still taste quite good!

finally is the movie~~~~ batman!!! super long, but super nice!! love it to the max =D but the cinema is damn cold.. i was like freeze into ice cube already... n my knees cant get enough blood circulation, so after the movie i was like handicap... =( after the movie is already 3.20am. what an exciting and crazy day!!! I love my trip~~ I love my sista, christine~~ =D

wow... KL change a lot since the last time i came.....

today is another adventure for me.. alone at KL... i never come to KL alone before, so i was very scared... expecially when i dun even know bus terminal had changed from pudu to TBS... then dunno where to take lrt... so many ppl... scared will meet thief or robber... scary KL...

then luckily i got a map from aishan... thanks to her detail map n i arrives in one piece when christine came to fetch me. then i met the wellknown "traffic jam of KL". really scary sia... if i am the driver, i'd gone mad...

then v went to sunway pyramid. tons of interesting stuff, but is just like another ion orchard to me... hmmm.... too similar liao.... n saw ice skating~ wow... got so many pro r training there... damn cool!! then i shopping n shopping... dunno where my money gone to... hmmmmmm....

went to eat dinner with christine n her friend, after that went to watch futsal... an interesting day, but my legs pain like almost break into half... hmmm... tired....

if i knew we would end up in this state..

keep challenging myself. i noe i wouldn't b able to take it.. i noe i cant withstand the temptation.. coz i am the devil of myself....

end up in this state.. not even friend... is more like worst than stranger... what did i get in the end?... Karma...
i can only watching u from far and couldn't talk to you as friend anymore...

i still hate myself. u don't need to go thru all these pain caused by me, i am the culprit.

tired and tired.. both mental and physical.. i need a break, i need a new start... everything should start over or end right now..

please allow me to RIP.

不想触碰的记忆，一碰就心碎。。。花了好久好不容易把破碎的心拾起来，可是它又经不起自责，再一次碎了一地。。。

i cant... no matter how much i tried, i cant...

i need to change my focus. i need to concentrate on something else.

the pain is killing me...

怎么又吐了。。。今天是第几次了？被胃痛折磨得不像人了。。。吃了药还是这样没起色，到底要怎样才可以不要那么压力。。。要瘦到什么程度才甘愿？

if i could express how i feel, i would do so...but the prob is,i cant...

today i went for my math tuition.. i overslept, so is a bit rushing for me to go down. then i was very nervous n scared... i dunno the reason, just very panic... i think this is the cause of my nausea...

this route... so familiar yet so stranger to me now...

i'm not in condition today... i tried to withstand the nausea, but then i really couldn't take it anymore... went to washroom n vomit.... dare not tell u anything.. but i was really not feeling well... my brain is totally blank. n i am really weak after vomit... i noe u r angry with my attitude, but i wasn't do in on purpose... i'm sorry.. 
i couldn't control... tears running from my eyes after u left. i am frustrated with myself. i am such a failure.... waste ur time again n again to teach me,the big idiot of math.. i am stress. really stress with the test n unpredictable uni life... i could't go home... i cant let my parents saw this pathetic state of me... i texted manni n suning but nobody is free to lend me a shoulder... suning's grandmum passed away, so i go there accompany her. she din cry, i did. i just couldn't stand anymore... yet no one really understand... i did my best already... i want to b strong, but this is too much for me to bear...

u used to b my strongest stronghold when i need support... now i have no one to b there for me... there is no one like u who understand me more than anyone else. even if i dun say, u can still sense my pain... after so many years, i still couldn't find anyone who can replace ur role in my heart...

my soulmate.... can u b my shelter again？.... i need a place to hang my heart....

temptation?.. or a test?...

I cant give myself any answer yet.. coz i thought i had buried all the memoies and walk away. but what i feel now, is tons of sorrow...

i think i'm fine... really think i can handle it. n i trust myself that i can cover it. but the only thing that i couldn't sure is how good i perform. i dun wan to disappoint u anymore..

i'm sad.. only because i still hope v could be friends.. best friends.. or even sista... but now, i think v still have a long way to go... this is not easy, but i'll show u my effort...

3 years already... are we friend yet?...

又失眠了~太在乎反而失去的越快。。

你也在害怕我对吧。。。
我明白，也知道该怎么做。
不会再让一切重演 。
不会让你再次经历这一切。。

藏在心里更长久。
谢谢你的坚强。

are we friend yet?

从上个星期开始就一直胃痛，什么也吃不下。。我以为我是食物中毒，原来不是啊。。


今天又有这种感觉，什么也吃不下。。我像真的是被我爸爸讲中了。太过压力。
原来见你一面会有那么多的压力啊~~


我无法给自己什么答案。但我只能说，我尽力了。如果这样都还不足够，我已不知道还能够怎么样了。


最近学了一句，“藏在心里更长久，不是吗？” 现在我真的可以深切体会。。
就这样一直在心里就够了。

time flew... it's july...

i am coming back to sg soon.. very soon, in 2 weeks time. but before i go back, i got tons of preparation to do.. first of all is my proficiency test. i need to start working on math start from tmr, so ya... endless hell is coming....

good news about july is i'll get my pay soon =D hope i will get it before thurs, coz i got a date on thurs... 

i dunno what to do actually... temptation... i am really scared that i'll lost her again forever... there is no win-win solution... seriously... i.. really don't know what to to...

july... hell yeah..

nostalgic...

saw some photos from GAMBIT that uploaded by this summer batch intern. I miss those days... I think those days at Boston was the best time in my life... so many memories~~

OMG.... it had been 1 month since the last time i blog... I am really super lazy...

recently is really no life at all... work, family n church.

I work as technician at a computer service centre. my pay is quite low, RM800 a month,then my cousin offer me higher pay to help her out at KL instead. I worked as lead technician before in another computer service centre, as compared to few trainee at this company, i have more experience and i worked with this company before, ladyboss know me very well, so they have more trust in me. basically what i do as technician is like a "manager" kind of technician. check progress everyday and make sure all the job of the day cleared on the same day. Then in half a month, all the job is cleared, and v face the situation where only 1 or 2 jobs a day but we have 5 technicians. I am super bored... then my boss ask me to learn new software and be software support instead. but the problem is v dun sell POS system everyday, so is still very bored... then my boss start to ask me to do all kind of project like customize report design for customer, it's very challenging task coz i never use the program before. then when i faced problem and ask him how to do, he himself also cant do then he expect me to know everything. luckily after explore the program and i found solutions. then he started anyhow accept any kind of project and ask me to handle.. = =" he really expect me to know everything de lo... from repair computer to demo software to speaker to tablet to handphone... haiz... 我认了咯~

then i received letter from NUS for admission a day before graduation and since that day i am kinda busy. busy settling the admission process and i realised i have 2 proficiency test to attend, english and A Level math. i am terrified after i know i see the past year paper for the A level Math proficiency test. the paper is very tough. T-T My math is never good, and A level math i never learnt before... Then i decide to resign. not to work at KL but to study for the test, then I tried to resign, but my boss dun let me go. i think he really rely on me too much le, so he dun let me go. so until today i havent touch my math textbook and i think i will fail the test if i dun buck up a bit... T-T

last month i think there are still some excitement ba.. at least i have a wonderful fullstop from TP. all my hardwork during my poly life at TP came to result and i did make my family proud. i think my life at TP is really enjoyable although i dedicate whole year of year 2 to my studies, but i am really enjoying my year 1 and year 3. I can never forget what life really is when i am with TP Dragon Boat team and what friendship is with TP International Students. My last journey with TP is knew great people from awesome TPDE which make my life have a wonderful memories. I am proud to be a student of TP and now i am officially alumni of TP.

My sis gave birth a cute nephew on 6 May, so she stay at my home for 1 month. i also b babysitter for 1 month. i like baby so i am actually enjoying the process. first thing i do every morning is to see my nephew. then my niece also very cute, next time i shall take a photo of both of them. -^.^- my sis gave me this watch as graduation present because she absent from my graduation ceremony. hmmm actually 我赚到咯~ hahaha...

i choose this watch myself so i really love this very very much!! I love it on the first sight i saw it. initially the boss told me,"扣完给你，$132." then i think the price is quite reasonable, so i pay for it. then after he done all the adjustment and filling the warranty card, his wife came back and help him fill the card. then she ask how much did he charge me, he reply $132, then his wife scream at him "亏死你啊！！！这只表卖$300你卖$132？！"  then they argue there awhile and she say at most i can give u $250. i really like this watch very much, so i pay the remainder. then the boss tell me "你应该早一点走嘛~酱就捡到便宜表了~" the boss very cute lo... hahaha... anyway this is the best present that i received so far~

this week is the final week i work during this "vacation". start from next week i must do math everyday liao.. so ya... will be very busy.. >.<" my boss wun let me go easily de... 一定把我用到够够。haiz...

recently i was so lazy.. no mood to write blog entry.. too many stuff for me to worry now... especially the NUS admission stuff, is too confusing and i don't know who to ask.. now trouble by job also, no time to do my stuff and no time to study for proficiency test also... die die die..

finally~~~ I had waited for this letter for soooooo long~~~
all my hard work are worth^^

but i am so confused... why i got so many award? i thought is only gold medalist?

lost again from a familiar place...

i went for my interview this morning... i was so nervous and i didn't sleep well although i tried very hard to sleep.. i woke up 7am, but i was so tired and fall back to sleep.. woke up and take cab to NUS by 8.30am. i reached NUS by 9.30am which is 1 hour before my turn. went up and wait outside the room makes me more nervous. i met the candicate before me and he shown his portfolio to me. i was terrified and my self confidence dropped a lot..

when i go in, i was totally blank and all the script i prepared were useless... then they ask me to demo my portfolio to them, all my demo were course project, so i was like... damn.. i was promoting GET then selling myself to NUS. damn!! then their com is damn lauya.. don't have visual studio and cant connect to internet. so basically.. i didn't show much of my work.. T-T i think i had screwed this interview. may b i shouldn't hold any hope to this... get ready for the worst plan, working...

then i went home to pack all my stuff. i need to return my key to my landlord before i leave sg. i started to move all my stuff out from everywhere and my room is so packed.. T-T i had moved my stuff 3 times. and i still left so many stuff to bring home.. omg... why i got so many stuff... after 2 hours of packing, returned my key to aunty and say goodbye to blk 853. sad to leave this time... really like this place... after tat i take cab to send my stuff to my cousin's place and head home. super tired...

today is my sis's birthday. v had a feast once i reaches klg. all seafood and fish.. @.@ but i ate abit abit. cant dun eat anything.. was looking forward for my sis's baby, but still not yet deliver...

i really miss u.. i do not know what i can do.. you had exit my life without any trace but i just couldn't get you out of my mind.. i withdrawn myself from yout tweets and i am regretting now...

if i could borrow courage, i'd do it now...

i never felt so stress before. too stressful until i don't know i am shivering or trembling... i take this interview too seriously, i think... that's why i am so scared n nervous about this.. i noe i am not a smart nor creative person, that's my disavantage.. but i am hardworking and determine, i believe practice make perfect.. nah.. what am i saying now... make no sense to myself.

是我的就是我的

this is the quote u gave me. yeah... if i am supposed to study this, i will get this. i'll leave this to god now... I had done everything i could do or prepare... the result is beyond my control.. no point i keep worrying it and nervous is not going to bring me to anywhere either. i choose to believe in your quote. and it make magic tricks to me.. magically ease my mind and i will go to bed now.

i told u before yet u never believe in me.. i am telling u again, 你的话总是带有安宁的力量。你一句话就可以让我的心马上安静下来。

thank you for allowing me to call you... thank you for the quote.

it's good to hug by sista..

i went to meet my sista, christine after few months of disconnection. n every time i go to her house, i always got special drinking training from her... today v drink ice wine, blue lagoon and green drop.. cocktail n wine that is not more than 20% alcohol. i drunk after the second glass. v using shot glass, i didn't drink like a shot.. i drink pretty slowly yet i still drunk... =/ but it's good gathering time with her.

when i arrived at her house, a warm n tight hug is awaiting me. yeah.. i admit i really need a hug after so many things... at least she is still there for me. no matter what other ppl think pf me, i always know she is still there to support me.. this is what true friend supposed to be.

just to sit there and chille out is good enough to ease my mind... watching the koi in the pond and drink... this is the life that i always wanted...

thanks for always b here for me... i really appreaciate.

the trip to malacca is so expensive...

my bro brought us to malacca, n v got accident when v just arrived at malacca. very suey, my bro's car just came out from painting the day before.. the crash is very serious. the first car had rear bumper drop off, the middle car is a sandwich, and my bro's car is the third car got radiator broken. very jialat.. the car cant drive coz the car will overheat when the radiator mulfunction. then v leave the car in the middle of the road like a boss. cause a very long traffic jam on the main road. then a lot of stuff happen...

v reaches malacca at 5.30pm, but i reaches home by 2.15am.

i got my hair coloured. but i forgot to take photo... so wun upload my most recent photo.... i'm so dead.. tons of stuff to do tmr. i hate youth fellowship!

我把一切都删除了。。什么也没给自己留下。
就这样吧。。。
我真的累了

i choose to let it end...

It had been 1 month since the day i fall for u. and it had reaches my limit of patience for a relationship that will not have result. or i should say, this time round is far beyond my ability to wait... the longer i wait, the clearer i see the distance... is this the distance of background? or is this the distance of culture? the social world you came from is the world that i never seen before.. i'm like a begger from rural place and u r like a princess from wealthy kingdom.. my self-esteem had fell to the extreme low point and i couldn't pick it up anymore... i could never be in the same status as u.. i have to give up.

i hate being helpless.. i had tried my best to build up myself not to be worthless. i cant accept to be treated like worst than dust. i have my pride. i will still be who i am. i will still be where i am, just that you pass me by.. you don't gave a damn of it.

i stopped believe in miracle. i don't believe in miracle

i can fool everyone else, but i cant lie to myself...

i'll back to sg tmr... early in the morning..
need to collect my salary, buy some clothes and research for interview...

i'm scared... yet no one could understand... everyone thought i am top student, so i should be well trained for this kind of interview. i'm not. i didn't undergo any special training other than what we learnt from CMSK... i'm just same as everyone else... but no one could hear the cry from my heart....

in my home, i must b strong.. there is no place for weakling. argh... it's complicated... i don't know how to explain the atmosphere... i cant express myself in this place.. they will not  understand me either.. no point i telling them my problem... so i need to act like i'm fine. like i'm ok with everything.. even when i am actually shivering because of fear.. in their eyes, i'm perfect girl. i hate this

i need a break. just let me run away from reality for a day or 2... this is so heavy.. too burden until i am suffocating...

this interview is very important. it will determine whether i am "Yes" for uni or not. if this end up with a "No", all my plans need to reschedule. i will work until i get my PR before i can study again. financially unable to continue my studies... i'm on my own now... it's my own future, i need to take full responsibility for it.

it's so heavy...

i am going to give up... there is no point for me to keep torture myself for a fantasy that will never come true... i could never cross the barrier that lie between you and me.. no matter how much i love you, you would never take a second to look toward me... that's reality... 是我配不上你...

i'm trying my best to sleep... but i cant...

i slept thru the day...

i woke up at 7am this morning and went out for morning jog... exhausted... i think i didn't go out for jog after napfa... very tired.. after lunch i just KO.. went for a long nap from 2pm to 7pm.. i ask my sis, "is it raining outside?" "No. It's 7pm now.." I jump down from my bed coz i got appointment with my friends @ 8pm.. i'm beat...

i found my new hobby.. bathing...  klg is so hot... cant take it.. so i was like bathing 3 times a day... with cold water summore.. klg is really like steamer... sit there with 2 fans blowing at me i also can sweat like raining... T-T

had been 6 days here... i do not know how long i can stand...
why is this feeling torture me so badly...
if i know how to give up, i wouldn't b so painful now...
girl... what can i do to let u know how much u mean to me?...

I am so dead....

yesterday was my roommate's 21st birthday celebration. as a roommate for 3 years, I did go and support her from start to end. it was at a ktv. she booked until 12.50am, so ya.. was there until late night.. after tat send her sg classmates back to her aunty's chalet near my house and accompany them until my roommate came back from bath.. she took 2 hours to return to her aunty's chalet... i reaches home ard 4am and sleep after blogging... was exhausted and got serious cold..

woke up by 4pm today and still feeling very very sick.. after took my flu medicine, went to church for service.. the medicine is drowsy, so i sleep thru the service and voila~ i'm screwed... my dad annouced the youth fellowship will begin by 1st sat of may. which is this sat... i got no idea on what to do... = =" nice... really nice... how could i influence them to be devouters when i am not devouter? haiz... forget it...

i'm planning to go back to sg on wed evening and back on thurs afternoon. need to settle some stuff there.. and sun need to go back to sg for NUS interview.. will back on mon afternoon coz tues is my first day of full time working.. very busy....

i'm on fever now... hope it will go away tmr.. flu, sore throat, cough and fever.. not a good sign.... i need to b stronger...

i hate this when i couldn't do anything at all... why is all these happen again?...

am i really thinking too much? are you fine my dear?... I cant b sure because i afraid i do not know anything at all.. may b what i see from the surface is not what exactly happen.. are u ok?.. i am worry about u....

I told you "I'll be here for you" and i really mean it. you know i'm just 1 SMS away... text me, and i will try my best to be there for u..

you are a precious gem to me. i'd do anything i could to protect you from any harm. you mean the whole world to me. your emotions can easily affects mine... aren't u know?..

my heart is bleeding when i see you r in pain...
what can i do to let you know how important you are to me?...

girl, i really love you...

i never thought of this to happen...

i thought feeling fades.. i thought i did convinced myself to give up... i thought i am fine... i thought i wun feel anything... all my thought... were wrong...

this feeling doesn't fade, it expands and overwhelmed me... Once again, i fell in love to your smile again.. I regreted... I should at least try...

I lost a precious gem... not because i busy picking up stones...
just because I lacks of courage...

girl, you owned my heart...

it had started.... oh well....

yesterday was a tiring day for me... was sneezing since i woke up in the morning. not feeling good about it. the air at klg is very different from SG. the air here is damp and humid.. so it's much hotter and easier for my nose to turn into tap. and it's bad for my migraine too..

well.. i spend my day watching some outdated movie which i didn't get to watch, and read my new toy, <The Hunger Games>. I was trying to improve my english, so i check each and every new words that appear to me in dictionary. so my reading speed isn't very fast. just taking my time to understand the meaning of the words. 

after tat go shopping with my sis. she come to my house everyday. she is waiting to deliver, so she need some walk everyday so that her body is strong to deliver. so ya... i have 1 new stalker to spy on me now... how nice my life is~~~

at night we went out to celebrate Mothers' day and my mum birthday. supposed to celebrate this much earlier, but last time i came back we didn't have time to do so. We went steamboat BBQ restaurant. i was eating slowly coz of my gastric, but just dun want to let them know. when everyone is done, i just started to eat.. LOL... eating ice cream with BBQ stuff when everyone else is eating their dessert already. i enjoy family dinner a lot. Ever since i study at SG 3 years ago, we don't have much chance to eat together as a family.. so every time we have the chance to do so, i'll be very happy. so it's a very enjoyable time. 

my dad told me to start the youth fellowship ASAP.. i replied, first sat of May. so i'm screwed... it's not easy to be devouter where i din go to church since like long time ago... i cant even remember when is the last time i attended youth fellowship.... hard to recap what i did in the past... haiz.... tons of preparation need to do...

I wanted to learn guitar from my dad, but he's a busy man.. what to do? 

i am tired....

well... i din sleep at all since yesterday... was chatting with my roommate until 2am and she kept the light on until 6am. i need to go out from my house by 8am... so ya.... which means.. i din sleep at all and wake up by 7am to prepare.... T-T i am beat...

another reason that i'm so tired is because my luggage is super heavy.. both my luggage and backpack are so heavy... i can barely feel my shoulder coz of that... too numb...

today went out with my sis.. shopping... bought Hunger Games Series~~ Woohoo!! My first step to improve my english.. I'm excited to read them tonight!

done with happy stuff, my parent start to haunt me to take over youth fellowship.. i have no idea what to do with them... haiz... really no choice?? i am so tired.. can i just dun care about all these?

tmr i need to go find my boss and discuss about when to start working.. read my book abit then sleep..

sleep sleep sleep...

is a wonderful day with ppl that cares about me ^~^

today is my last day at SG before i come back again for UNI or full time working. why i say so? i had sign a bond with MOE for tuition grant. the grace period to start serving the bond is 6 month. so if i din get enrolled to NUS, i must come back to SG by aug to find a full time job and serve my bond.. so no matter i study or working, by aug i must back to sg..so ya~

this morning i move my mattress and 2 boxes of my stuff to my aunt's house then come back n clean the room again coz my roommate is coming back from taiwan by today.. after that rush out for cliques gathering.. is a very very awesome day!! I really love outing with them^~^ talk about stupid stuff that we did on year 1 and chat.. update each other about our future plans and jokes around.. and tons of food!!!!! Hahahaha... it's really nice~ I want to have more outing in the future!! Wait for me to come back in 4 months time!!!

my roommate came back with 3 big boxes and 2 big luggage.. overweight... = =" but she is damn smart, she go and ask around to "tumpang" her luggage with stranger, so at the end she no need to pay a single cent for the overweight.. damn zai!! salute! anyway, she bought me a lots of stuff and very very nice to me.. since today might b the last time i stay with her.. kind of sad actually... by tmr she will sleep in this room alone and eat alone and do everything alone... sad...

welcome to hell... nice... haiz.......
really need to find stuff to do and planning how to avoid all those stalking by my family... shall start with exercise... hmmmm....

good night.. i dunno do i have chance to say good bye to u.. but if u happen to see this post, thank you for everything.. i am very happy to know you and i really appreciate the time chatting with you. thanks for being my friends in the past 3 weeks. i knew i made you angry and so pissed.. i apologize, I'm sorry... I'll still be here, well.. will b in m'sia actually.. but u know i'm just 1 sms away.. text me if you need my help. once again, thanks a lot for everything... stay safe and take care... bon voyage at bali.. All the best for your future!

Good Night Singapore... Good Bye Singapore...
and Good Bye all the good time i had...

considerate. i think it's very important to think in the shoes of the one v care..

Saw a couple at the bus stop just now. is a butch and a sec sch girl. the girl is like keep asking "真的不去学校啊?" "去学校干嘛？去了你又不学习。" after a while, the girl ask again, "真的不去吗？" “都说了几百遍了，你还要说几遍啊？” “我好像很坏，又不去学校。。” I am not pissed. I'm just look down on tat butch. if this girl dun wish to go for lesson is fine, but the girl is like begging to go for lesson, yet this butch din't really think in her shoe. date can go after lesson isn't it? which is more important cant she see? i really cant understand...

is this what a relationship suppose to be like?.. i'm confused.. i dun have the right to judge anyway.. just put on my headset and walk away...

today is so tiring.... i got ton's of stuff to settle.. T-T

early in the morning waken up by sms from the freshie's mum n cant sleep back after reply her sms... i slept like 4.30am the nite before.. so i only slept for 5hours... damn shaggg...

woke up rush to sch to settle the course withdrawal case coz if dun settle today must pay 25% of sch fees... so is very very urgent.. then the CM of Food Science not there, cant settle.. need to wait until she come back.. so i go collect my gown and send to my cousin's place.. after tat rush to ICA to settle my student pass... wait for 3.5H and go to counter, the officer say "Why you didn't write your apology letter? Write now!" I was stunned.. huh?? apology letter? what?? nice.... dun even know what to write sia.. just bullshit a few words then submit.. so now i must leave sg b4 thurs which is just inline with my plan, i'm leaving on wed early morning.. so it's doesn't matter.. after tat rush back to sch again to pay the fees for course withdrawal. super rush and i was like running around the campus to get the thing done... ==" i already very shag, after all these torture i was super shag....

not only these, i still need to move my luggages to my cousin's place.. rush back home to settle the BBQ catering thingy and rush out again with big bags, small bags to my cousin's place... my cousin is very nice today, she treat me korean cuisine at joo chiat.. pretty nice place! i'm not korean culture fans, dunno how to appreciate their food, but it taste good! so i'm satisfy ^~^ tat was my first meal of the day... whole day rush here rush there... i dun even have time to eat anything... after dinner i take bus home.. this time i really fell asleep. exhausted... i think i fell asleep unconciously, when i open my eyes, i reach TP already.. walk home and watch bleach... finally finale le... been 6 years ady... kind of lost after watched the final espisode.. nvm.. is time to sleep... i really tired and tmr need to move the rest of my stuff to my aunt's house...

tonight is the last time that i sleep on this mattress.. will miss it a lot..

don't cry.... your tears r very precious....

do not judge if u don't know anything

I'm leaving soon.. i think nobody here can understand how i feel... it's so depressing...

home is not really a home for me.. is more like jail or rehab centre... i long to go back because living outside alone is not easy.. been outside for too long... is good and comfort to go back once in a while... go back for 1 or 2 days is nice, but more than 1 week is more like torture... as u know what occupation my dad is and my sis is.. go back for 4 months is like forcing me to be devouters and go back to straight.. do u know what that means?.. i really have no idea how am i going to survive thru this... my mum had told me to prepare to take over youth fellowship and be advisor for them once i go back.. am i really fit to be?? i dun even have a choice. do you know i always under spy when i'm at home? it's so difficult for me to get out of my home without tagged by my mum or my bro.. i even need to find my best friend to cover for me whenever i go out to meet my date. FML i been caught once, and i been trapped until now... going back, means i lost all my freedom... how can i be calm when i knew what is going to happen next?

saying goodbye to sg life is so painful...

我想。。我并不勇敢。。

我没办法不想念你，但我却也没办法发短信给你。。我知道你还在生我的气。我想。。我这次真的是太过分了吧。。用这种方法揭穿你，明明知道魔羯座的人不能受这种侮辱， 我却偏偏还是做了。我被你讨厌了。。

我把所有的信息都删除了。。与其是说我不想留着你的信息，不如说是我没有勇气看到你的名字在我手机上显示。。。我想。。。如果再有一次的联系，我可能就脱不了身了。。好不容易下定决心要放手，再一次的联系我真的就会一直陷下去了。。

对你的感觉已经超越我自己的想象。无法自拔都不足以表达。。我不可能会有机会表白，我也不打算表白。就让这一段没结果的感情悄悄的过去吧。。

一切都不重要了。。。随着我的离开，让这些感觉都一起消失吧。。。
很抱歉。。我真的很抱歉。。。

kena aeroplane lo... i supposed to be at m'sia de leh... = =" i miss my niece la...

yesterday the freshie just told me dun want to rent the room liao coz want to withdraw from TP offer. damn... so late only tell me.. i should go back to m'sia...

so now i am so bored... alone at home... watching anime and eat junk food..

i'm so tired... out of sudden, i'm feeling weak... it's feels like so down and i couldn't cheer up.... coz i lost everything?.. i am not sure... there is no reason for me to stay here anymore... is tat so?.. i am really confused...i should just let it go... but why cant i do so...

I thought i was wrong, i told myself "it is not gonna be you, that's impossible!!!" but i think i just caught u...

if recently u never use blogger, u wun noe blogger has something new called blogger stats. it tracks down when is the view, which country the view from, which operating system is being use and which platform is being use.

this blog used to be a private blog.. it's being kept private for at least 3 years.. so those who know my blog are usually my cliques(who also follow this blog) or the admin(my ex-gf). nobody else. because once upon a time, there is a church fellow trying to catch me on what i wrote in blog, so i never tell this blog address to others. i only put this blog address on twitter. until now, only my best sista(christine) and 1 of my friend(tricia) know my twitter account. and there is no way to search my blog from google.

i ask you regarding my age, because on tat particular day, i did check my blogger stat. usually i do not do that. i discover it just by coincident. i saw the stat and i am shocked. coz tricia wun read my blog at 2am. i just want to confirm i was not wrong. as i said, my social circle is very small. my friends are either colleagues at sushi tei, or my classmate. i got no other friends in sg.. My CCA friends are not that close to me, so they do not know anything personal about me, especially blog, to me is a very private thing. In my cliques, 2 person using iphone, 1 person using android, 1 person using blackberry. all of use using windows, no one using macintosh. tricia owns ipod. i'm very sure the iphone users in my cliques(larry and sher) do not read my blog. so i am pretty sure...

i really wish is you, and i know it's you.. tat's y i ask question that only can found answer from my blog. seem like you flare up... i choose not to reply... i choose not to disturb you twice especially now i know you are in bed already... i am sorry that i sms at the wrong timing, but i was really wish to know.. at least before i go... i apologize.. i'm sorry...

but now... it's not important anymore... you wun visit here anymore.
i'm not attention seeker. all along, all the care i shown towards you are coming from my heart. I really care for you.. now you don't owe me anything anymore. you can choose to ignore me from now on. i dun think i will pest you anymore since you already attached. there is no need for me to stay alert in the middle of night anymore. i wun stalk you anymore. dun worry.. i dun mean to cause trouble to you.. i'm sorry. sorry for all the inconvenience caused.

glad to be your friend... although it gonna be past tense soon... thanks for accompany me for 3 weeks. thanks for tolerate all my pest and disturbance.. thanks for everything.. sincerely thank you to be my friend..

so now you are officially attached, i think is my time to give up. i never wanted to be third party. never ever. i only take actions when my target is single.

i'll still be here..
you can still find me if u need anything
as i said, i'll always be here..

I just lost the entire world of mine

height?... really nice.... there is no way for me to grow taller with my current age...

it's a very bad habit of Scorpio that revolve his/her entire world around the people that he/she love. Once lost it, the entire world collapsed..

Why am i a typical Scorpio?...

i will sleep on the floor from today onwards..

my brain is still painful.. hate the sun.. i think i had mop this floor more than 10 times since thurs.. i just move my mattress down on the floor and change the bed sheet for the bed. later i need to move all my stuff out from the wardrobe and clean my room again... yeah... again... i already gave up on counting how many times i did this "spring cleaning" within this week.. shagg.... = =" when i am so sick summore.... i think i had throw away half of the stuff that is in my room.. all expired food and papers.. gosh... i'm going to be so dead tonight... T-T

well... i did see you today... after 3 weeks?..

i wasn't prepare to go out today... woke up with serious headache and slight fever... woke up by the raining sound outside of the window... "nah... i'll just go to sch on monday..." was shocked and jump down from my bed when received your sms.. and i think for like 5 min.. if i go to bath now should b in time to avoid to see you.. i was really wish to avoid seeing you when i'm in this sick state... before i walk out from my room, i was telling myself, "no worry, you wun see her. you are just going out for a walk, for some fresh air.." then i just wear what is in my wardrobe. to be exact, i only have this outfit in my wardrobe coz the rest are in my luggage. this is the shirt that i always wear when i need to take bus to go back to klg... is it a good choice? i do not know.. but i know today i din wax my hair, i din wear contact lens, i din wear my boots. coz i'm just going for a walk... i stay like 10 min walk from sch, why should i dress so nicely when i din expect to meet you in the first place... and... i did regret about that..

i'm sick... i'm not suppose to go out on this hot day actually... it make me feels more suffering under the hot sun... actually, i dun go out when the sun is still up.. is either i go out when the sun is not so hot like 8am/9am or when the sun is down. is like vampire, i dun like hot sun.. it'll make my migraine go worst under the sun...

well... i don't know what to say... now u saw me... and i saw you. the face that i long to see.. hmmmm.... i don't know... just out of my expectation, i am too surprise when i saw you... "you are damn tall" i am actually complimenting~ i think with your heels, it's at least 20 cm difference between your height and mine. are you disappointed? i believe so... when i saw you, i sense the disappointment in your eyes... yes, i'm not good looking. i'm just common right? not outstanding like any other butch. i knew that. well... i think i wun get any reply from you anymore, right?...

you are too skinny now, dun go for diet.. just stay healthy. you looks weak n exhausted. do rest more if you can.. glad to see you with your date today.. which means you are cool now~ i can stop worry for you coz you are very 幸福... she is very tall and very good looking. I know I'm not your type, and i never will.

thank you for the honey lemon.. it's the best drink for my throat now... I cant drink coffee actually, it'll make me feel dizzy and i cant focus. so i dun take any coffee. I only drink tea if i need something to keep me awake.. As i said, i din ask for return to help you... I din expect this treat actually.. thanks a lot. i really appreciate.

i understand my limit, i wun go any closer. no worries. i will still be here... as friend...

nice... the plan to go back to m'sia is cancelled. coz i need to wait for the freshie to move in and wait for my roommate to come back from taiwan.. so.. i dunno what to do.. nice.... i'm so tired... dunno what time to collect the gown.. = =" gosh... hope when i wake up, the sky is still bright... time to sleep... night...

I have been ask my gf once, "我们之间除了激情，还剩下什么？你有喜欢过我吗？"..

I think she didn't answer.. coz there is no answer....

That's why i am so scared... I dun wish what left behind is just "needs" not "love".. I thought we been together because we knew each other well, because we have feeling towards each other, because we love each other... not "only" because of the intimacy that we had. I am very serious about this.

I hate my appearance once. because of my hairstyle, she hate me and she want to break up. i change my hairstyle to more TB style, she felt uneasy to be with me... then i started to give up on tat, just let my hair grow on it own.. soon my buddies dislike me, coz i looks too girlish.. = =" FML...
i just want to be who i am, so now i choose what hairstyle i want, and i like how i look. I told my buddies that "帅帅的也是可以很美，美美的也是可以很帅". so i choose to be like this. this is my choice, i have no regret in this..

Yup. I'm a stalker, but I only stalk the ppl that i interested in. Yes, you are right, "good looking people are never stalkers. cos theres no need for them to stalk." I admit that I'm not good looking and I will never be one.I'm happy with how i look, because this is what my parents gave me and how God shape me.

"欣赏美丽的东西并不是罪".