1) I am very grateful that I am older and more comfortable with my life choices. By the time I left I had had about enough of the sideways comments from my mom about breastfeeding (she actually told several people that I missed my calling as a wet nurse, in front of me; talk about awkward). I had also had about enough of people implying that I was torturing my baby by not letting her eat anything but milk. Luckily my parents' friends are much more supportive of breast feeding than my mom is so there were some supportive conversations, and ones that they initiated in front of her. Oh, and I was getting really tired of not having a chair to sit in in my room. It is really hard to nurse hunched over on the edge of the bed six times a day.
2) My sister. Oh my sister. She is amazing. I don't think I've shared much of her story here so let me give you some background. She had her son when she was 29 and at 31 started trying for a second baby. That was 12 years ago. She has been through more infertility treatments than I could keep track of. We stopped talking about it for a long time because she wanted our relationship to be an escape from all of that. So I never asked, she just told me things when she wanted me to know. And she called me a couple of months ago to tell me that their third surrogate is pregnant! She was SO nervous about telling my parents. Neither of us was sure what their reaction to the surrogacy thing would be. Let me tell you, my sister made the announcement in the most eloquent way that it would have been impossible for someone to not be excited and happy for them. I was really really impressed. And can I tell you that she is *glowing*! I think the pregnant lady glow is more from happiness than pregnancy hormones.
3) Mads did not realize that adults prefer babies that sleep on planes. Needless to say, she did not make many friends on the plane ride there. And then she totally lost it on the drive to my parents' house from the airport (which is about 2.5 hours). Luckily it was just family in the car... The flight home had all the makings for a nightmare. The flight was delayed about 4 hours and we were stuck at the gate just the two of us. But Mads was happy to watch all the people and to play with me. There was a little nursing nook in the bathroom right near our gate so feeding her wasn't awkward. And when we got on the plane she fell right to sleep. BUT THEN... 100 french teenagers on a school trip got on and sat all around us. They were all simultaneously shouting and talking and, of course, Mads woke up and wanted to know what was going on. This was now an hour past her bed time so she was pretty tired. We sat on the tarmac for another hour listening to the french teenagers. Me trying to keep Mads from getting too crazy. Luckily, once the plane took off the lights went out and all of them (the french teenagers and my baby) slept for the entire flight. BTW, if you can afford it I strongly recommend getting a separate seat for the baby. It would have been a nightmare having her in my lap the whole time (it was a 5 hours flight).
4) It is wonderful to be home.
5) My husband has been out of town since right before we left for my parents house and he won't be back until the 19th of August. I have even more respect and awe for you single moms out there. It is really hard always being the one on call and I haven't been doing it for all that long. Dh isn't even that involved of a dad; I do about 95% of the childcare. But having that fall-back for the 5% really does make a big difference. You all are AMAZING.
Showing posts with label my mom. Show all posts
Showing posts with label my mom. Show all posts
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
How long are you going to do this?
That was the question of the day from my mom.
She breastfed my older sister for a few days and decided she hated it, and didn't try at all with me.
She hasn't said anything overtly against my breastfeeding Mads, but some of her choice quotes give it away...
"How long are you going to do this?"
"Well it will be really amusing to see the breast pump when you visit this summer."
"And your breasts are large and uncomfortable I'm sure."
"Does it feel weird to have someone sucking on you like a parasite?"
Thankfully she lives very far away and I have a lot of people who are very, very supportive of my nursing Mads. I have a feeling it is going to be a long and lonely 2 week visit when I go later this summer.
Have any of you had mastitis that cleared up on its own? I think I have a pretty mild case. I had a little bit of a fever on Sunday night and now feel ok but have the redness on my left breast and it feels like a bruise. Should I go to the doctor anyway? I read in the LLL book that it can clear up on it's own and doesn't always require antibiotics.
She breastfed my older sister for a few days and decided she hated it, and didn't try at all with me.
She hasn't said anything overtly against my breastfeeding Mads, but some of her choice quotes give it away...
"How long are you going to do this?"
"Well it will be really amusing to see the breast pump when you visit this summer."
"And your breasts are large and uncomfortable I'm sure."
"Does it feel weird to have someone sucking on you like a parasite?"
Thankfully she lives very far away and I have a lot of people who are very, very supportive of my nursing Mads. I have a feeling it is going to be a long and lonely 2 week visit when I go later this summer.
Have any of you had mastitis that cleared up on its own? I think I have a pretty mild case. I had a little bit of a fever on Sunday night and now feel ok but have the redness on my left breast and it feels like a bruise. Should I go to the doctor anyway? I read in the LLL book that it can clear up on it's own and doesn't always require antibiotics.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
being back home
On Sunday I flew out to visit my parents for the first time in a long, long time.
I was really hurt over their lack of a reaction to my miscarriage and avoided them like the plague. It was as if I had told them I found a yummy new ice cream at the grocery store, and then called later to say it had all melted on the way home and I couldn't eat it. In fact, probably worse, becuase I bet my mom would have asked the next week if I had gotten another carton of the ice cream...
It has taken me a long time, but I have gradually moved past this. I am not sure I forgive them, but I have learned one too many times now to not expect much emotional support. This lesson has maybe finally sunk in, and so I was emotionally strong enough to come for a visit.
My family is big on martinis and coffe and exercise, so I was confronted with not really having an option of not telling them I am a little bit pregnant. They would have been suspicious, and I would have felt mean by lying.
They are really excited and happy. And have been really nice and supportive. I am a big baby about some things, as I have mentioned to you all that I feel like this pregnancy is made of fine crystal and might break. They seem ok with this, even though it is so not their style.
My mom's yoga instructor had two miscarriages before her first baby, and is now pregnant again. Mom made a comment about how this woman acts the same way, and in fairly understanding way (for her). That has been nice.
We'll never be a touchy feely, share your emotions kind of family, but its been nice to be home. And nice to be around people who have the worldview that if you get pregnant, you have a baby. But also, very very scary. I so don't want to jinx myself.
I was really hurt over their lack of a reaction to my miscarriage and avoided them like the plague. It was as if I had told them I found a yummy new ice cream at the grocery store, and then called later to say it had all melted on the way home and I couldn't eat it. In fact, probably worse, becuase I bet my mom would have asked the next week if I had gotten another carton of the ice cream...
It has taken me a long time, but I have gradually moved past this. I am not sure I forgive them, but I have learned one too many times now to not expect much emotional support. This lesson has maybe finally sunk in, and so I was emotionally strong enough to come for a visit.
My family is big on martinis and coffe and exercise, so I was confronted with not really having an option of not telling them I am a little bit pregnant. They would have been suspicious, and I would have felt mean by lying.
They are really excited and happy. And have been really nice and supportive. I am a big baby about some things, as I have mentioned to you all that I feel like this pregnancy is made of fine crystal and might break. They seem ok with this, even though it is so not their style.
My mom's yoga instructor had two miscarriages before her first baby, and is now pregnant again. Mom made a comment about how this woman acts the same way, and in fairly understanding way (for her). That has been nice.
We'll never be a touchy feely, share your emotions kind of family, but its been nice to be home. And nice to be around people who have the worldview that if you get pregnant, you have a baby. But also, very very scary. I so don't want to jinx myself.
Friday, March 12, 2010
what I want to be like as a mom
My sister and I talk several times a week, but yesterday she called because she very specifically wanted to tell me that our mom loves me, and had said so the other night on the phone with her. This left me rather cold though, and I've been thinking about it ever since. I don't understand.
My mother is not warm and fuzzy. She was the type of mother that required you to be bleeding out your eyeballs before she'd believe you were sick. And she doesn't like weakness. My sister and I can never live up to her expectations. I can't even begin to imagine what they are because we are both pretty freaking well adjusted.
I envy people who want nothing more than their mothers when something goes wrong. My mom is the LAST person I would call.
I've made a few efforts over the years to try and change the relationship. I've been kind of like Bart Simpson in that Butterfingers commercial, you know the one where he keeps getting zapped when he reaches out for the candy bar but he just keeps doing it? incapable of learning.
I reach out to her but it always comes back to bite me in the butt, and I regret putting myself out there like that.
For example, I called home back in January of 2008 and asked for input into the question of whether or not to have kids. I thought it was a really nice conversation. And then when I called in October 2008 to tell them I was pregnant, I was really scared, but it went really well, basically.
But then I had the miscarriage and it all fell apart. My parents didn't handle it well at all, or rather, they just didn't handle it. No real reaction, no sympathy, no nothing really. In fact, a few weeks later when we were on the phone my mom did ask how I was healing and I told her that I was going to the doctor that day b/c I was bleeding again, and heavy, and it was rather early for it to be a period. I was worried. She told me, "well welcome to peri-menopause!"
This is not what you tell a woman who is trying to have a baby and just miscarried. Seriously the wrong thing to say.
I called her back later that day and told her that what she said was really mean. She was so shocked that I called her on it that she didn't say much of anything. But a week or so later she had turned it into one of those, "I'm sorry you were offended" things. I really hate that. It always ends up being about how I'm too sensitive.
My husband left town for several months right after the miscarriage. So that unfortunately left me all alone, and I was really, really not ok. I went into a pretty serious depression. The original plan had been that I'd spend christmas with my parents, but I just couldn't muster the emotional energy to deal with my mother. So I canceled about a month before (never bought my ticket actually). I never called home.
Now my dad is a psychiatrist, so you might have thought that my reclusive behavior would have been a sign. I had even called my sister and begged her to come out to see me. She did. She rocks. But she couldn't stay long b/c she's got a husband and kids and they needed her.
My parents never called to say they were worried about me. They never checked on me. In fact, much later my mom made some comment about how upset SHE had been but that she couldn't talk to any of her friends b/c I hadn't yet wanted to announce my pregnancy (it was only 7 weeks).
Did you catch that? SHE WAS UPSET AND HAD NO ONE TO TALK TO.
I feel a lot better now, and somehow worked my way out of the depression over the last year. I'm finally feeling pretty good and don't cry at the drop of the hat.
But I'm really angry that my mother can't just be a mom. I would have done ANYTHING to have her tell me that it really sucked but that it will be ok, and maybe even cry a little with me. Maybe even just a phone call every now and then to tell me she was thinking about me.
But no, she called me perimenopausal, and made a point to tell me about her friend who is so weak that she still talks about a miscarriage she had many years ago. Nice.
So this is one of the things I think a lot about when I think of having a baby.
I would do everything in my power to make my child know that I loved them no matter what. I would want them to know that no one has a perfect life, that family loves you through good and bad and doesn't think the less of you when things don't go perfectly. That's life. And love, true love is when you love someone even more because you can understand their problems, making it all the more rich when good things happen. I WILL COME RUNNING IF THEY EVER NEED ME. And I will work really hard to know when that might be, even if they can't say it. I really, really want to be one of those warm and fuzzy moms.
My mother is not warm and fuzzy. She was the type of mother that required you to be bleeding out your eyeballs before she'd believe you were sick. And she doesn't like weakness. My sister and I can never live up to her expectations. I can't even begin to imagine what they are because we are both pretty freaking well adjusted.
I envy people who want nothing more than their mothers when something goes wrong. My mom is the LAST person I would call.
I've made a few efforts over the years to try and change the relationship. I've been kind of like Bart Simpson in that Butterfingers commercial, you know the one where he keeps getting zapped when he reaches out for the candy bar but he just keeps doing it? incapable of learning.
I reach out to her but it always comes back to bite me in the butt, and I regret putting myself out there like that.
For example, I called home back in January of 2008 and asked for input into the question of whether or not to have kids. I thought it was a really nice conversation. And then when I called in October 2008 to tell them I was pregnant, I was really scared, but it went really well, basically.
But then I had the miscarriage and it all fell apart. My parents didn't handle it well at all, or rather, they just didn't handle it. No real reaction, no sympathy, no nothing really. In fact, a few weeks later when we were on the phone my mom did ask how I was healing and I told her that I was going to the doctor that day b/c I was bleeding again, and heavy, and it was rather early for it to be a period. I was worried. She told me, "well welcome to peri-menopause!"
This is not what you tell a woman who is trying to have a baby and just miscarried. Seriously the wrong thing to say.
I called her back later that day and told her that what she said was really mean. She was so shocked that I called her on it that she didn't say much of anything. But a week or so later she had turned it into one of those, "I'm sorry you were offended" things. I really hate that. It always ends up being about how I'm too sensitive.
My husband left town for several months right after the miscarriage. So that unfortunately left me all alone, and I was really, really not ok. I went into a pretty serious depression. The original plan had been that I'd spend christmas with my parents, but I just couldn't muster the emotional energy to deal with my mother. So I canceled about a month before (never bought my ticket actually). I never called home.
Now my dad is a psychiatrist, so you might have thought that my reclusive behavior would have been a sign. I had even called my sister and begged her to come out to see me. She did. She rocks. But she couldn't stay long b/c she's got a husband and kids and they needed her.
My parents never called to say they were worried about me. They never checked on me. In fact, much later my mom made some comment about how upset SHE had been but that she couldn't talk to any of her friends b/c I hadn't yet wanted to announce my pregnancy (it was only 7 weeks).
Did you catch that? SHE WAS UPSET AND HAD NO ONE TO TALK TO.
I feel a lot better now, and somehow worked my way out of the depression over the last year. I'm finally feeling pretty good and don't cry at the drop of the hat.
But I'm really angry that my mother can't just be a mom. I would have done ANYTHING to have her tell me that it really sucked but that it will be ok, and maybe even cry a little with me. Maybe even just a phone call every now and then to tell me she was thinking about me.
But no, she called me perimenopausal, and made a point to tell me about her friend who is so weak that she still talks about a miscarriage she had many years ago. Nice.
So this is one of the things I think a lot about when I think of having a baby.
I would do everything in my power to make my child know that I loved them no matter what. I would want them to know that no one has a perfect life, that family loves you through good and bad and doesn't think the less of you when things don't go perfectly. That's life. And love, true love is when you love someone even more because you can understand their problems, making it all the more rich when good things happen. I WILL COME RUNNING IF THEY EVER NEED ME. And I will work really hard to know when that might be, even if they can't say it. I really, really want to be one of those warm and fuzzy moms.
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