Robots Trying Too Hard: Erika vs Jem and The Holograms, Episode 2

Last time on Jem and the Holograms: EVERYTHING IS ON FIRE

I'm not even being melodramatic; that was how we left things. Oh, and Jerrica and Raymond made a bet on who could make their band more popular in six months--winner gets the company AND A NEW MANSION (the mansion is from a third party who popped out of no where).  And, uh, there's an AI named Synergy that can project holograms from Jerrica's earrings.

They mean it when they say it's truly outrageous.

So the episode starts with EVERYTHING BURNING DOWN and the Holograms pulling orphans from the flames. Rio happens to drive up in his van (there are four cars we see repeatedly, three of them are vans. I suspect they're easier to animate) and comfort Jerrica before she decides it's time to go after that BRAND NEW MANSION and tells Rio to take the girls while they go find Jem to put on a show. Rio does not question this and loads up his van with orphans. The Misfits happen to be driving by and decide to follow Jerrica because.... reasons? This leads to the most hilariously mundane van chase I have ever seen. Just... yup, still driving. We get a few reaction shots of the girls' completely neutral facial expressions as this happens, before Jerrica uses Synergy to disguise their van as a dumpster. The Misfits somehow know who Rio is and decide to follow him instead when they spot him.

How big is this town? There's at least one recording studio and one film producer just giving out mansions, as well as an abandoned drive-in theater that horny teenagers aren't trying to impregnate each other at... yet everyone seems to know each other? Or maybe Rio just knows everyone. I thought Jerrica was the secret spy, but maybe Rio is too. MAYBE THEY'RE A SPY COUPLE.

So the girls get to the drive-in, Synergy is projecting herself on the screen BECAUSE THAT WON'T CATCH ANYONE'S ATTENTION, SUPER SUBTLE, to tell them "ENTER". Synergy. I get it. You take your role as deus ex machina and robo-guide very seriously, but they've been there before, and you were way more subtle leading them here last time. Tone it down. We still know who you are, you don't need to be a giant talking head to get the audiences attention. You're literally a holographic AI who can make people look however the flunch you want. If that doesn't get their attention holo-project spinach in their teeth that they can never get out.

So the girls get ready and... uh... they somehow have instruments even though theirs were smashed last episode? I guess there were backups? Did Daddy Bently think "I know my daughter, the spy, gets into a lot of trouble, so if I am going to set her up to be A SECRET POP SENSATION I should make sure she has some backup gear. It's only the responsible thing to do"? What sort of person was this man? He owns a foster home for girls and a recording company and makes AI's that are basically autotune.

We are launched into the next song, which is presumably being performed outside of the movie producer's house, which just... had people hanging out in front of it. Did they just perform for creepy paparazzi who were stalking this dude? But that is not what we see. What we see is Jem taking Rio on a variety of fantastical adventures, including but not limited to: summoning castles that are filled with magical gardens with questionable perspective shifts, unicorns that can walk into the air and then summon rainbows under them, the ability to breath under water with no apparent cause, and dance in midair. Not walking, ONLY DANCING. Not a bad superpower; I could boogie everywhere if it let me essentially fly.  Or even just be able to gain height. I'm short, that would save me from having to bring a chair or tall person with me everywhere I go.*

Maybe this is how Rio knows Jem? It kinda looks like he proposes to her at one point. He seems to not know Jerrica=Jem so he's cheating on his girlfriend with... his.. girlfriend? Awk.

I fucking love this show.

The Misfits are unhappy that The Holograms are trying to get ahold of the mansion but Mr. Movie Producer Dude (whose name I can't quite catch and will henceforth be named Mr. Mustache) points out "Until there's a winner it's still mine and YES THESE ORPHAN CHILDREN CAN LIVE THERE UNTIL THEY GET ON THEIR FEET. I'll go get the keys."

One of the Misfits is enraged and pushes him into the pool. Another hops on an earth mover and starts tearing up the guys lawn. Jerrica meanwhile is trying to pull Mr. Mustache out of the pool (pond?) but slips and flies hilarious like twelve feet through the air and lands on the ground RIGHT AS THE EARTHMOVER THAT THE MISFIT WAS DRIVING AND ABANDONED IS COMING STRAIGHT AT HER OH NO RIO MUST SAVE THE DAY NOW!!

He runs in, scoops Jerrica up and runs with enough time that she... could have stood up and walked. Is this some sort of foreplay? Do they have an ongoing damsel in distress/white knight roleplay scenario going on? Is this a weird sex thing? HOW OLD ARE THEY?

Aja, being the most useful of The Holograms, DIVES ONTO THE STILL MOVING EARTHMOVER, snatches the key, and grumbles about needing to throttle Roxy. (Apparently that's the name of the Misfit who did it but honestly they're sort of a hive mind thing to me. They at least once all talk in unison but only one voice comes out.) No biggie. ANOTHER TUESDAY. Not like I was dragging orphans out of a fire earlier or anything and haven't really slept in 24 hours.

Mr. Stache promises Jerrica/Jem to help the orphans in any way he can, but if the Misfits win, well, they're all SOL.

Another scene of The Misfits being scolded for engaging in DEEPLY ILLEGAL BEHAVIOR and being told they're lucky there's no one suing them. Which is true. Because they've nearly killed like six people this week. Raymond tells them to please stop TRYING TO FUCKING KILL PEOPLE and chases them out of his office. They then trash his waiting room. How are they not fired and in jail? WHY IS THERE NO LAW ENFORCEMENT IN THIS TOWN? IS IT SO SMALL THAT IT ONLY HAS A REALLY INTENSE MUSIC INDUSTRY AND NOTHING ELSE?

Cut to the girls happily settling into their new ("temporary") home which is totally sweet (pinball machines EVERYWHERE) and--oh yeah, The Holograms have a photo shoot! The photo shoot is also a musical number where Shana is conveniently shoved behind the others on the drums out of sight. You know, Shana, the only black character? Yeah.

How do you do makeup on Jem? She's wearing a hologram; does Synergy just... adjust the hologram to match the makeup being applied? While this is happening, The Misfits pay one of the kids thirty bucks to get in, and Zipper, the guy Raymond hired to try and scare the girls last time, is hired again. REALLY RAYMOND? DO YOU NOT KNOW ANY OTHER LOWLIFES? I bet the Misfits do, just ask them. I'm sure they have a few excellent references to give.

So Zipper goes AND PLANTS A FUCKING BOMB IN THE HOUSE. Just... shoves it under a couch cushion. It is not remotely hidden. This guy is so bad at his job BUT WHERE DID HE EVEN GET THIS BOMB? Did he make it? Are timed bombs easily acquired around here? So this town's industries are music and... explosives? This actually isn't sounding like a terrible place to live.

So Raymond just happens to be driving by and sees The Misfits have snuck onto the grounds and yells for them to get out of there because there's a bomb. Cue explosion, which damages a wing of the house and no one is hurt. Suddenly there are media everywhere and Raymond claims that someone said they planted the bomb to get The Misfits. Mr. Stache is all "No way he's so full of shit his eyes are brown you girls should stay 5evar" AND THEN A COUNTESS TURNS UP?! Also apparently Rio is their road manager? When did that happen? Either way the Countess is all "u should totes play my party" as she tries to eyefuck Stache who is all "Er, yeah, they will--I mean, er... ugh. We will." She then snubs The Misfits on her way out to go chill on her yacht and have young, nubile, oiled boys feed her grapes and fan her with palm leaves as she awaits her guests.

The Holograms get there by a smaller boat, rather than... wait, did this yacht not dock for people to board for this party? Okay... So the girls get there and are introduced to some VJ. who then introduces them to like the only black guy at the party (a music video director). Jem starts trying to play matchmaker with Shana because, hey, you're black... he's black... you should touch junk! He looks a lot older than the girls who are still living in a group home, like, he's able to grow an entire, thick mustache. He also looks a bit like Lando Calrissian. So Shana admits yeah, we have no money or backers and Lando is all "that's alright sweet thang I can hook you up" and starts trying to kiss her (DUDE YOU'RE LIKE 40 NO) while Jem is hitting on Rio who is pining after Jerrica.

"Rio, do you like me?"
"I hardly know you! And you won't tell me who you really are!"

He's got a point Jem. She says maybe she should and they're about to kiss. Rio, you're bad at this.

They are all naturally interrupted by The Misfits. According to their music video, they manage to turn things into a full out pie fight and don't nearly kill anyone, but I am skeptical because they have spent most of their time nearly killing people. Wait, no, I take it back. They get onto the control deck and promptly initiate RAMMING SPEED at a near by giant-ass military ship of some sort. DOES THIS MEAN CERTAIN DOOM FOR OUR HEROES? Lol no. BUT TUNE IN NEXT WEEK TO FIND OUT!!!!!11!!eleventy!!!!


*My husband and Will are both over 6" for a reason. They know I'm only using them to reach things.

This is Totally Outrageous: Erika vs Jem and The Holograms episode 1

Does anyone else have to use the disclaimer "I remember liking this thing, but I watched it a long time ago so who knows?" because I have to do that. A lot. I'm going to be very honest with you. I have a terrible memory. I usually have to get people to jar my memory on movies I've seen more than a year ago. So it should be no shock that I remember very little about Jem and the Holograms, a show I remember watching as a little kid. I remember that they're totally outrageous, I'm pretty sure there's a keytar and some Hanna Montana identity switching going on, and as I kid I freaking loved it. That.... That's about it. I remember questioning why protagonists were always blond women and Jem and the holograms being one that really made me question that, which is strange because I also remember at least one of the Holograms is black.

So let's all go on a journey together to see how the bounty of Netflix may potentially traumatize me. I mean, Netflix thinks I'll love it (5 entire stars!) but their algorithm is questionable at best.

Episode 1. Titled, creatively, The Beginning. It opens with the girls pulling up to some red carpet event with excited fans chanting "Jem" and then one by one introduces us to the girls. First out of the car is Aja, whose name we know instantly because the crowd starts to chant it. She smiles but does nothing exciting, so I assume she's more subdued or shy. Next up Shana, and again, crowd starts to chant her name. She poses and fluffs her magnificent afro (if I am incorrect in calling it an afro someone please correct me) and her pose screams "confidence" to me. She and Aja then pull out Kimber, who does a flip and is met with the same excitement. I'm assuming she's the spunky one? I am pointing this out because it's actually kind of brilliant. Each girl poses in different ways as they get out of the car which tells us a little about them as well as their names, and since they're chanted small kids have a chance at remembering them.

Lastly Jem gets out of the car, the crowd loses their collective shit, microphones of questionable physical possibility hover around the frame as she's pelted with questions about who she really is, is there another album, how does she like being famous. There is then a narrated line of "I remember how it all began. With the unexpected death of my father" and then BAM we're in a cemetery and it's raining and what is going on. This tone change was so sudden and dramatic that I'm kind of losing it over here. This is amazing.

We get about a three second scene of her by her Father's grave where a man named Eric Raymond stops to check with Jerrica (also establishing the dual identity of Jem) to ask if there's anything she needs and to tell her he's there if she needs him. Her--I'm assuming boyfriend? I think Rio is her boyfriend, I don't remember her having a brother--tells him off because she has all the help she needs.

How is that a remotely appropriate response to someone trying to offer your (I'm like 90% sure girlfriend) comfort or help as she is burying her father. There is no mention of her mother, so I can only assume Jerrica was in fact hatched from an egg her Dad found.

Jem, rather than asking Rio what the shit, apologizes FOR him as Rio drags her off angrily, and insists he means well to Raymond.

I do not like Rio.

Jerrica then tells us that her Father left her two inheritances: she inherits a foster home for girls and a record company. Both called Starlight. Her Dad either let her name everything as a child, had a strange sense of branding, or just hated thinking up names. Either way, the foster house needs money so Jerrica is off to do what her Dad did, take money from the record company! That... seems like it might have some questionable tax laws. I mean, there are donations, but it sounds kind of like he didn't donate it, just... took it.

She dodges past the security guard (rather than... wait seven seconds for him to call ahead to Raymond, or tell him who she is) because... I have no idea how old Jem is supposed to be. She seems to have a lot of agency, so I'm assuming she's not a teenager, but she's certainly acting like one. I assume all this is to establish "hey, Raymond is probably a villain messing with her dad's company and he replaced the nice security guard with this doody head" but maybe it's to show off Jerrica's infiltration skills and to hint that she might SECRETLY BE A SPY.

Slips past the new secretary, Raymond keeps calling her "darling", tells her she's just a kid (HOW OLD IS SHE WHAT THE WHAT) and insists that this is a business and he shall MAKE IT THE MOST POWERFUL RECORD COMPANY EVAR!!! And introduces his new band, The Mistfits, who ride in on fucking guitar bikes.

Pictured: The three women of the band "The Misfits" on fucking guitar motorcycles.

This is everything I have ever wanted out of life and more. Raymond has no issue with his new weirdly similar-looking girl band having apparently driven their guitar motorcycles into his office building, taken them up the elevator, and now into his office. Jerrica however is deeply offended to see her Father's office misused this way and tells them to stop ripping up the carpets yo. This leads to them laughing at her because NO ONE TELLS THE MISFITS WHAT TO DO (she just told them she owns half the company, so I have questions) before launching into a music video number where they, through a series of carnival games, throw Jerrica all over the place and I have so many questions. How are they summoning these? Do the bikes only fly during musical montages? Can they always fly? Why would you ever go anywhere that wasn't flying if that was an option?

Jerrica is now angry and starts pulling some "How dare you use MY FATHER'S COMPANY to promote this trash?!" which, naturally, the Misfits are unhappy about. I'd be pissed if someone called me trash right after I performed a whole musical number for them, complete with some weird special effects. Raymond just says "Well there's nothing you can do so neener" and she storms off.

Again, I have questions. As has been said repeatedly in this like, two minute scene, Jerrica owns half the company. Couldn't she just...go to a board meeting, get like one person on her side and outvote him? Or if she owns half the company, that means she gets half the profits--if she's so desperate for money for this foster home, why not just... take it out of the presumably huge chunks of cash she's getting from the company? Maybe it's locked and she can't access it until she turns a certain age? HOW OLD IS SHE?

It doesn't matter. Nothing matters. She gets hologram earrings and and AI named Synergy brings her to her Father's secret underground music base to show her all the clothes and car and musical gear he left for her (as well as a super high tech holographic music synth AI). Why did he hide this? Is this all tax evasion? Either way, the girls realize what they must do. Crash the battle of the bands and DEFEAT THE MISFITS. THEY MAY HAVE MAGIC HOVER GUITAR BIKES BUT WE HAVE HOLOGRAMS YO. Holograms that Jerrica's earrings can project from anywhere.

So they crash the battle of the bands. Raymond is OUTRAGED THIS CONTEST IS INVITE ONLY and Jem says "But she invited us" and with the help of her holo-earrings is then Jerrica. A deal is struck. If in six months if Jerrica can make Jem more popular than the Misfits, she gets the company. If the Misfits are more popular, she does. She takes the challenge and then out of nowhere some guy is all "Oh hey, let me get in on this. Winner gets a movie deal AND THIS SWEET MANSION."  No really. He legit offers them a mansion the same way Bob Parker says "A NEW CAR".  It's amazing.

I just--HOW OLD IS JERRICA CAN SHE LEGALLY MAKE THIS SORT OF DEAL WHY IS THERE NO PAPER WORK INVOLVED THIS IS ALL VERY QUESTIONABLE AND I THINK JERRICA NEEDS A LAWYER.

The Misfits then straight up steal their instruments, and rather than press charges, or call the cops, the girls all pile into their car and chase the van. The Misfits see this and their van mysteriously has no back door and is just... open, and start heaving their stuff. This causes the Holograms to swerve and get hung up on a cliff.

The solution? To use Synergy to project Jem to get Rio's attention.

?????

Okay. I mean, flagging for help makes sense, but, how does Rio know who Jem is? He wasn't at the battle of the bands that we saw. Did the girls on their way out stop to introduce them to his own girlfriend in disguise? Either way, it all goes well and there's some media coverage about Rio being a good dude and the girls being a band.

So, they don't call the cops on the Misfits FOR NEARLY KILLING THEM or smashing their instruments. Something Raymond points out when he's annoyed. The Misfits, like well adjusted musicians, respond to this with a song called Winning Is Everything. I'm going to be honest, the three songs we've gotten so far? They're not good. They're super repetitive. I vaguely recall not loving them as a kid either. I will admit that the singers aren't bad (Jem is actually pretty good) but it's not enough to save them.

So Raymond starts to make preparations to win the company. Like using his superior budget and connections to book the Misfits on tours, getting TV and radio play--hah, just kidding, he hires someone to break into Starlight house to scare Jerrica into being non-functional. The girls find him robbing them, he dashes off, knocks a lantern over (they currently have no power) AND OH NO THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE.

That's the end of the episode. It ends with TO BE CONTINUED

I did not realize how much I miss 90s cartoons until today. I'm kind of loving how over the top this is and hoping the song writing gets better. I've got nothing critical or insightful to say here. The group of girls is diverse (even if they all have the same body shape) and seem to have agency? Rio is around to help a lot but generally the girls seem to be doing as much or more than he is, as well as being the ones to parent the younger girls in Starlight House. It's hard to think of anything in depth to say when all you can think is "THOSE ARE FUCKING GUITAR BIKES OH MY GOD THIS IS AMAZING".

I do have some questions though. Are there no police in this world? Are they just really ineffective? How did no one ever accidentally lean on that wall to find out it was fake and find Jerrica's dad's secret holo-base? Why did her dad keep Synergy a secret from his business partner and Jerrica, but arrange for it to hunt her down after he died? Will we ever find out about the secret spy training she has, or will it just be alluded to over and over again? Where are all the lawyers in this world? What was this house made of that it caught fire so quickly? If Jerrica can project holograms, can she send Jem to go call for help? Why do we park in driveways and drive on parkways?

TUNE IN NEXT TIME FOR ALL THESE ANSWERS AND MORE!*

*I make no promises to answer any of these questions but come back next time anyways because it makes me feel loved.

Lullaby, Prologue, in which we meet our "hero"

Sticks and stones may break your bones, but words will never hurt you

This is short but appropriate quote before the prologue. I realize that at some point I did something to my copy of the book I have never done to a book in my life: I wrote in it. So far I'm only seeing a few underlines, and I don't know how far I got on a re-read of it, but it's like past me is pointing out things and saying "This isn't a spoiler since you already know what happens, but remember this, this is important" and I can't help but appreciate that past me did that for me. She was a real doll sometimes.

The first chapter is simply titled "Prologue" and like many chapters in Palahniuk's books, it is short. We're dropped into descriptions of haunted houses, and then introduced to our "Hero" of the story, Helen Hoover Boyle. She's a real estate agent who runs a rather ingenious scam. She sells haunted houses. Not cold spots, but blood running down the walls. The person who moved in will call, and she convinces them that they should just let her resell it and they won't say a word. I mean, sure, they could try to prove the place is unlivable but that's hard to do and it gets publicized and then if they lose the lawsuit it's impossible to resell--and don't even unpack, we'll tell new people you're moving. For work. You loved the place! She has a rotation of houses she does this with, and is constantly watching the police scanner and the newspaper for violent crimes taking places in houses so she can add another one to the roster, which is all kept neatly written out in her daily planner, a book bound in what looks like red leather.

Helen, she's wearing a white suit and shoes, but not snow white. It's more the white of downhill skiing in Banff with a private car and driver on call, fourteen pieces of matched luggage, and a suite at the Hotel Lake Louise.

She is always monochromatic, but she's never wearing just a color, it's always described like that. I'm underlining it now, here, because Palaniuk loves to show, not tell (a breath of fresh air from 50 Shades) and so these little things that when I was younger I wrote off as stylistic moments are actually his way of telling us about a character. So what is he telling us here, and in future moments with this style of description?

We get a clear mental image of Helen, we see someone polished and posh, but not necessarily pristine. She isn't wearing virginal, pure white, she's wearing white of wealth and luxury. We see a woman who is trying to look good, and is trying to look well-off (and succeeding). Helen Hoover Boyle is pristine and ruthless. There is nothing we're given at this point to make us think anything else. The scheme she runs, and how normal her day is around it, underline how ruthless she is. Personally, I like that. It is rare we get a woman who is supposed to be sympathetic, competent, over the age of 25 (a quick google search yields no response, but Helen is somewhere in her forties to fifties) and still hyper competent and utterly ruthless.

Now, why did I put hero in quotation marks above there? I adore Helen, but I do not think of her as the main character, but rather the love interest. The narrator, who is not named or on page this chapter (Carl), is in my mind the main character. Having not read this book in 6 years, I won't speculate too much on who the main character is yet, but I don't think we're going to get a Great Gatsby scenario where Carl is the narrator but Helen is the star. Perhaps the narrative means she is, in her ruthlessness and poise, actually the more heroic one of the two, but even then that seems spotty. I'll touch on this again in later chapters.

We meet Mona (who I'll get into more next post), Helen's secretary who is a New Aged Hippy, and somewhere in her late teens to early twenties. She is employed to do things like figure out if houses Helen is hunting are haunted or not. We don't get much information about Mona yet, but I want to point out that we're given a book that has the first chapter passing the Bechdel test in between descriptions of horrific haunted houses and Helen giving fairly bland orders to Mona, pick up her dry cleaning and for the love of God can she get some decent coffee in this place what is this crap? All in-between trying to do today's crossword. The narrator, Carl, talks to the reader directly near the end of the chapter, and there is a lot of foreshadowing/establishing here, so I'll post the excerpt.

This was Helen Hoover Boyle. Our Hero. Now dead but not dead. Here was just another day in her life. This was the life she lived before I came along. Maybe this is a love story, maybe not. It depends on how much I can believe in myself. 

This is about Helen Hoover Boyle. Her haunting me. The way a song stays in your head. The way you think life should be. How anything holds your attention. How your past goes with you into every day of your future.

The book drops us in and shows us a character who is brimming with agency and her own shit, and then we have the white male protagonist tell us that this is about her as he starts making it about himself, and I can't help but wonder if this was deliberate. Did Palahniuk mean to make Carl a less reliable narrator by introducing us to him being self-absorbed, or are we meant to think he is about to tell us Helen's story, on its own merit, not only in how it related to him?

That's the end of this chapter (and post). I'm still feeling out doing a deconstruction where I'm not just suffering through obviously terrible and way too long chapters, so feel free to point out things you find are or are not working format/style wise as well as things that strike you about the book. Until next Thursday, where hopefully things will start to happen.