I went back to the clinic. Was supposedly to be last week but I was too unstable to put my shoes on. So I called up the clinic and postponed the appointment.
Surprisingly there weren’t much traffic on the road and also in the clinic. I had this book. Read a page. Then I started to feel anxious. Ejad was next to me. My tummy was aching like hell. Not only that, I think it is going to be a ‘heavy flow’ week again. Since after the booster shot, my flow is like a river.
I was second in que. Usually I would be the first but I guess someone was earlier than me.
Anyway, I told Dr A almost all that had happened since we last met. The dreams, the arguments, the voices, the insecurities… the overdose. I was out last week. Ejad was worried. He tried to bring me to ED but I refused. He knows me too well to force me to go. But he didn’t know that after he rushed back home from work after reading my WhatsApp message… a few days later , I overdosed- TWICE.
That is my life . It has always been since 2007. The only thing that changed is that I don’t OD as often as I used too. Unfortunately, I had to do it before the voices convince me to jump over the balcony. If I jump, I would definitely be difficult to be identified.
But the most important thing is that I told her the incident where I was accused by someone ( whom I respected ) of doing something that would never do! The president of an NGO ( someone I know since my college years ) had the audacity to message me and blatantly said horrible things.
Dear Madam President,
You should have called. Be professional. Ejad & I have been volunteering when the NGO had less than 10 volunteers for goodness sakes! (2017) And now that you have over 1k of volunteers, you just ‘lost’ your common sense? So I have cancelled you off 100% . I am worth more than Whatsapp messages. Fix your ‘new team’ & don’t forget those who have helped you. Now that the OGs are no longer with you , I hope you will realise how much damages you have caused to a lot of people. This incident caused me a lot of emotional feud between me and myself. You should know better. One word to describe you : UNGRATEFUL. Now I know why my many people left and never returned . Whose fault? Only you know the answer because most of them were too scared to tell me what had happened because I was close with you (recently I was informed) When you accidentally sent me a screenshot of the WhatsApp conversation we were at that time, I knew you were too proud.
I can only pray that no one will have to go through what I did with you. But knowing you….
-Siz-
So yeah. The above is among many reasons I went numb and stupid. I was causing a lot of unnecessary stress to Ejad. Alhamdulillah, he understands me enough to know that I am in a ‘phase’ He just nodded when I said that I ODed ( I think he knew )
So I picked up myself, spent time with my family and attended my dance class ( yeah! Will blog about it soon) I was in a horrible state. But not as bad as it used to be. I would often, literally zoned out. But this time I was 50/50 . Dr. A said she is glad that I no longer check in on yearly basis. The last time I was warded was after my late father passed away in 2018. 4 years! A big achievement for both of us. 2007-2017. Countless check-ins to the Psy Ward.
Alhamdulillah, I have a good support system
