So sorry for being tardy.

I think it has been ages since I last updated this blog. Well it is due to some personal problems actually plus medical. I am currently suffering some medication withdrawals. Stammering, tremors, my body temperature is kinda weird because I would have these low grade fever , nausea, headaches that would turn to migraine. Basically - withdrawals. I have been goin to the hospital and clinics. But nothing seems to work. I just have to endure the stammering and tremors ( it drains my energy out! ) in the end I choose not to talk much and sleep. If I am awake I would get exhausted easily because I would try to stop the tremors ( and fails badly ) The best way (at the moment) is to stay home. I can still remember my last visit to the hospital, everyone looked at me. It was really embarrassing. I was fidgeting badly and really looked like a Psycho! I decided to sleep on the couch while waiting for my turn. My parents are really sad. I know because they are trying their best to console me when I try to talk. I would end up crying because I would repeat words and get so tired trying to talk. I had to resort to Send SMS to my dad just to have a conversation. One thing I know, I am going to loose my job if I am not cured soon.

[Siz] Frankly speaking...

... I do not feel good.

it is as if a catastrophe is going to happen any time soon!

Is somebody going to die?

Am I going to die?

accident?

am I going to loose something?

are aliens coming to invade is and declare war?

My goodness the list can go on and on.

I hate it when this feelings come.

It will make me thing of al sorts of unrelated things.

On top of it all, i will become very mood and easily ticked off
[ which I already am]

Goodness.

I am trying to calm myself down without taking any medication.

Hah! who am I trying to fool here?

myself?

It is impossible because obviously it has something to do with my imbalanced hormones.

Read  Yassin and a few surahs to sleep last night, hoping that I would be okie by today.

But then, it did not work - YET! cause I am still reciting some Zikirs and Surahs.

At the moment I feel so sleepy.

Must be the Xanax.

but still.

For the past week, without taking any Xanax - i am sleepy 24/7 already.

Okie - Am I thinking too much?

But then the doctor did say yesterday that my blood pressure is quite high.

needs to be monitored.

[p.s : i look fat because i am !]

[Siz] Tanya Dain Said di Rumah Pena

p/s  write up coming soon.

Sebelum tuh , cuba baca review-review mengenai filem Bunohan.

tontonfilem

binfilem

mStar

ZahirilAdzim

theSunDaily

hMetro

[Video] Bipolar Disorder

I was told 'off' by a few people , 
that I should not be talking about my illness.
Reason?
They are scared that they might 'catch' it too ,
 i might transfer this illness to them.
I was like " WTH?!"
But seriously, I am adamant that I should not be denying the fact that I have Bipolar 
as I was diagnosed by a psychiatrist 
and have been taking medication for years.
Self denial would bring me nowhere!
I would only refuse treatment and any help.
plus it WOULD LEAD TO  SUICIDE ATTEMPTS =DEATH !

This is just my effort to compile some videos regarding Bipolar Disorder. 
I hope it is informative and would benefit all.


Video 1 : 5 Types of Bipolar Disorder (Mental Health Guru)




Video 2 : Living with Bipolar Disorder
Bipolar disorder or manic-depressive disorder, which is also referred to as bipolar affective disorder or manic depression, is a psychiatric diagnosis that describes a category of mood disorders defined by the presence of one or more episodes of abnormally elevated energy levels, cognition, and mood with or without one or more depressive episodes. The elevated moods are clinically referred to as mania or, if milder, hypomania. Individuals who experience manic episodes also commonly experience depressive episodes, or symptoms, or mixed episodes in which features of both mania and depression are present at the same time. These episodes are usually separated by periods of "normal" mood; but, in some individuals, depression and mania may rapidly alternate, which is known as rapid cycling. Extreme manic episodes can sometimes lead to such psychotic symptoms as delusions and hallucinations. The disorder has been subdivided into bipolar I, bipolar II, cyclothymia, and other types, based on the nature and severity of mood episodes experienced; the range is often described as the bipolar spectrum.


Video 3 : A-Z OF FAMOUS PEOPLE WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER


Video 4 : HOW IT FEELS TO BE BIPOLAR!


Video 5 : 4 Rules for you and for a relationship with bPD



Video 6 : How I would describe Bipolar Disorder........


Video 7 : Basics of Bipolar Disorder


Video 8 : Torn: A Family's Struggle With Bipolar Disorder




Video 9 : Bipolar what it is really



Video 10 : My Bipolar Story

[Siz] Menang Pertandingan Facebook Fixi!

Ketika rancak berFB dengan Ridhwan Saidi mengenai filem Bunohan dan ada 2-3 perkara lagik pada petang semalam.

Tetiba bro Ridhwan gave this comment 

 Alhamdulillah , siz menang untuk kedua-dua entry yang telah dihantar.

Atas sokongan Hairul Nizam 
dan juga parents
[ well my parents have been pushing me real hard to write something and get it published]
Siz telah emel kepada Fixi dua certot [cerita ketot] ini

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#1

“Bangun”
Siz terasa telinganya dihembus dengan perkataan itu.
”Bangun”
Siz toleh ke kiri dan ke kanan.
”Bangun”
Siz buka mata dan terlihat di belah kanannya ada seorang perempuan duduk dekat dengannya. Seolah-olah perempuan itu hendak mencium telinganya.
Siz terus bangun. ”Siapa kau?!”
”Shhh...jangan jerit.Hospital ni. Awak orang baru ye?” bisik perempuan itu.
Siz lihat pakaian perempuan itu.Kemudian melihat sekeliling sebelum melihat pakaiannya sendiri. Betul. Dia berada di hospital dan semua penghuni di atas katil semua sedang tido nyenyak memakai baju yang sama dengannya.
”Berapa pil awak telan?” perempuan itu tanya.
Siz tidak hiraukan perempuan itu. Kepalanya sakit dan dunia seakan berputar. Pening. Dia tarik selimut dan sambung tido.

”SAYA DULU! SAYA NAK DULU!”
Kelopak mata Siz terus terbuka .Terkejut dengan jeritan yang tidak henti.Beberapa pesakit edang berebut untuk mendapat giliran pertama. Tapi untuk apa?
”Eh! Awak dah bangun.Saya rasa awak tak kena kot. Tapi kami kena, jadi nak kena berebut nih.ECT best tau! Electroconvulsive Therapy. Glamour gitu!  ” kata perempuan yang berbisik pada telinganya ”NURSE! NURSE! SAYA DULU!”
Apahal pulak ni?

Siz duduk di depan steering sambil melihat pil-pil biru dan putih. Siapa sangka, pil-pil tersebut dan kesan kejadian selepas itu akan menghancurkan hidupnya selama-lamanya. Setelah puas ditenung dia menakup tangan kanan yang dipenuhi dengan pil-pil dua warna itu ke mulut dan di telan pil-pil itu dengan air mineral. Ini bukan cubaan pertamanya untuk  membunuh diri. Tapi kali ini dia tak akan terkulai dan membiarkan dirinya tido selama 3 hari 3 malam sebelum rakan serumahnya sedar apa yang dia telah cuba lakukan - cubaan membunuh diri yang tidak menjadi. Ubat-ubat tido dan anti-depression nya hanya mampu membuatkan dia tido. Jadi, kali ini dia telah menelan tiga kali ganda dari cubaannya yang terakhir. ”Baik ko makan banyak-banyak. Sure menjadi kali ni” bisik hati nya.Siz memulakan perjalanannya ke hospital

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#2


Aku membuka mata.
Kenapa gelap? Eh kepala ku terhantuk.Apa ni?
Aku meraba keadaan sekeliling aku.
Aku dalam apa nih? Berbaring merengkuk seperti fetus di dalam perut ibunya tercinta. Aku dengar betul-betul .
Dalam kereta? Dalam booth kereta?!
Terus aku menumbuk-numbuk permukaan atas booth kereta dengan kepala. Kaki dan tangan ku terikat rapi.
Apa maknanya semua ini?

”Jangan bising. Nanti mak kita dengar. Mak kita nanti marah awak.” Tetiba ada suara berbisik di sebelah kiri ku.
Aku mula nak bertanya kepada bisikan kanak-kanak itu. Tapi mulut aku dah di lekatkan dengan pita.
”Baik awak tido dulu. Mak kita tengah bayar duit minyak kat kaunter. Abang duduk diam diam tau.”
Aku tergamam. Apa dah jadi ni. Mak dia? Siapa dia?!
”Awak! Mak kita dah datang. Tido dulu tau. Jauh lagi  rasanya. Selalunya mak kita akan drive dari petang sampai esok pagi.” Kanak-kanak itu berbisik lagi.

Aku dengar mak kanak-kanak itu mengisi perut kereta dengan minyak. Kuat bau petrol. Aku cuba sedaya upaya tidak memangis. Walaupun aku lelaki, aku tetap ada perasaan takut. Siapa tak takut bila tetiba aja terjaga dalam keadaan macam ini.

Pintu dibuka dan ditutup.
” Nah! Mak belikan makanan untuk Sophea. Kenapa duduk belakang tuh? Mari teman mak kat depan ni.”
”Tengah cari  barang nih mak. Jap eh Sophea duduk depan.”
Aku terasa kereta bergoyang. Mungkin budak Sophea tuh tengah panjat untuk ke kerusi sebelah maknya.Kereta terus dipandu laju.

Sophea? Siapa Sophea? Mana mak dia nak bawa aku pergi? Apa dosaku sehingga di humban dalam ruang sempit!

”Tempat sama ke Mak?” budak Sophea tanya Maknya.
”Tempat sama la Sophea. Macam tak biasa la pulak. Dah 6 tahun kita buat kerja ni Sophea.”

Radio kereta di pasang. Terdengar suara Bo menyanyikan Lagu. Cerianya anak beranak nih. Seronok pulak diarang. Aku nih tersepit macam nih. Motif?!


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Siapa Hairul Nizam? 

Mr Hairul is someone I met coincidently somewhere in this universe.

He gave me the strength to move forward in life.

We would always go to Indie events and buy books.

"Kenapa korang beli satu copy jer? Beli la dua, tak yah berebut" kata Oreen.

The reason?
#1 Safe money
#2 Safe money
#3 Safe money

So we would both read the one copy and share our thoughts and views 
regarding the novels/ short stories.

Semuanya di kupas dengan teliti dan out of the box.

Sampai gado- gado tuh!

Hahahahahah!

[ yang kat belakang tuh my bff - Wan Rozita! ]

I TRIED BUT I LOST...

Predicaments saved by a theatre and a book.

I was in such predicament that i was on leave for 2 weeks.

I had to make really tough choices.

And it all relates to my future.

Imagine, one decision would lead to another choice.

It went on and on and on.

I kept myself in the room.

Thinking.

With that Mr  Migrain brought along Mrs Migraine .

So i was the daughter of Mr and Mrs  Migraine.

My skull felt as if it is gonna burst and explode and crack ..yada yada yada.

Hence last Saturday after feeling a bit better,

I needed to get out of theBOX.

So i went out to watch a theatre - The drive.

Redza  Minhat was acting.

So double yahoooo!!!!

pictures and video are in the previous entry.

On SUnday I was up and about at Bukit Bintang.

I went to Pavilion and bought this awesome book!

About the Book


These days life's pressures seem to get to us at a much earlier age, so why wait until you're older to get motivated?
All About Attitude is for people of all ages to browse through when in need of inspiration and encouragement, to open at random and read a page or two. It encourages the development of positive attitudes, tackling everything from anger, fear and jealousy, to gossip, health and creativity.



About the Author

Julie Davey is a best-selling author, illustrator, speaker and coach, dedicated to encouraging people to focus upon their strengths and reach their true potential. She has inspired thousands of people from 5 to 95 by providing age-old universal truths in simple, profound and colourful resources.


Julie became inspired to produce motivational books for children after reading the works of inspirations authors such as Louise Hay, Richard Bach, Jack Canfield and Dr Wayne Dyer.

Her highly successful positive thinking books are "must-have" resources for educating children about how to make the most of their lives and are used by schools, community groups and individuals throughout Australasia.

Suicide

Yuna - Fears and Frustrations Lyrics





This love affair between you and I,


do you think it's worth the try?


Hearts to be broken,


I wonder if we do this often


You occupy my mind all day and night,


I think of things to say to you,


what we should do to keep this alive

You live and* chills up my spine

Dependent on it most of the time,


But for you I'm just an ordinary girl


That you bumped into, hoping I'll leave you within a month or two

Fears and frustrations galore


I'll never understand you


I'll never be the girl you long for


I'll never be the hand you want to hold



We spend so much time looking into each others eyes

Getting to know each others lies*, over looking reality


I'm feeding on high expectations and happy endings.


We were high above the ground,


or, was it just me?


I'll pull myself out of this confusion,


I never meant to be an intrusion,


cause for you I'm nothing more but just a phase.

#OctTwtFest 2001 Part1

First and fore most..i would like to thank @karrotgold for making this happen!

and we shared a birthday cake together!

not only that we alsoooooo....

and earned the swarm badge in foursquare!

and here are things i brought home!

this guy here is JOE!....met him via twitter...sebab petknode...and we became friends...and is so concern about my DEPRESSION that he told MissFazura about  it!

seriously tak tahu , kenapa bila masuk blog jer , gambar nih senget!

and here are the Kartellohello family - minus Kamal...[ tak sempat nak ambik gambar]

 We would tweet daily .... Altimet & Ila & I...

Very down to earth people!

Free Single CD - signed by Ila and Joe Flizzow....UNTUKMU!

Me..

It is 4am and I am wide awake. I have less than 2 hours of sleep before I have to get up and about. A little bit of cognitive overload today at the knowledge sharing course ... But I had fun. Laughed till my my eyes got all teary, and my asthma attacked. I am insomniac nowadays...adding to the line of diseases and health complications I already have.migrain.sinus.scoliosis.bipolar disorder.poor eye sight. I need to get back in track : meaning ... 1) play my guitar 2) draw abstracts 3) buy the doc marts 4) wear cargo pants 5) have that whatever attitude towards small things 6) be a workaholic 7) widen my networking skills. Basically BE MY SELF! Wish me luck ppl... Tomorrow another day of cognitive overload.

The Defination of I AM BACK.

Some pics first.

Just to see if you know me well enough so that you do not have to read my explainations.

BRB!

Justin Bieber Malaysia?

By looking and hearing and what not

at the rate of people talking about me ,

I feel like a superstar!

My,my,my...

how people doubt and are curious [ in many bad ways ] about my health.

Why can't they come  up to me or PM or DM or SMS to ask why I am always not around.

Then i can actually explain my condition and show them the receipts to all of my medical expenses [ hoping that they would donate ! hahaha !]

NO!

They rather bitch about me and make me the main topic during their leisure time.

Oh ya! some of you who are reading this are actually one of thoese pests right?

So click on the links below if you care enough to know what type of medical condition I have [ eventhough one's medical condition is P&C]

Link 1

Link 2

Link 3

This is the major medical condition I have.

I have others too. Next in line would be my migraine.

I just don't get it.

I don't bitch about people [ well i am  often at home due to my illness]
but people just LOVE to bitch about me.

Whenever I am getting better, something or someone would pull me back to where I started.

It takes days,weeks and sometime months for me to recover from one setback.

The best part is, someone whom I do not know or have no contact with me ALSO bitch about me.

Say what?!

What I buy.What I wear.What I do or did not do.What I said.

Anything under the sun.

All I am gonna do is that. Focus on MY LIFE.

Those people DO NOT PAY MY MEDICAL BILLS nor do they HELP TO SUPPORT ME!

BUT MY HUBBY, PARENTS , SIBLINGS, BFF,
ANGELS , NIECES , NEPHEWS , COUSINS
and
CATS DO.

Crappy shit!

I am going to be 33 soon and my life is full of shit. I am not doing what I desire.instead I am forced to do the things I hate.hence my life is cut short by 10 years. These medications I am taking for this manic depression is causing me more than my life.I might be begging for food sooner than I anticipated. I was betrayed lately. By someone. And this time it is really bad because it is so unethical for her to do so. And now I am suffering the concencuenses. I am so fucked up (mind my German) I often find myself crying to sleep or sleeping while driving. I bought tons of books that I intend to read. But now all of it are in the box labelled UNREAD books. At this moment I am also watching crayon and miming playing on my bed (hubby Ali will scream if he finds out) but I can't do much about it because they are so manja with me. All of mmy 4 cats and 2 kittens are. Things have changed and the world is getting more cruel each second, people backstab you as often as you wink. I was such a happy go lucky soul for goodness sake! and it was taken away from me by people who I respected ( as they are at east 10 years older than me) Such a biatch they are and such a mouse i am for letting them control my passion for teaching. Now I am stuck. Confused. And gonna get booted. Might as well I kick the bucket ASAP. It is 1231. I need to sleep. To be able to get up and drive WITHOUT hitting a motorcyslist, a bus , a lorry or another car!!! Oh ya , mimpi jumpa Farid Kamil tadi. He had a crush on me. GILER LAH!

Happy early Birthday to me!

Naughty me but i really need the ipad2.

So i opt for a nokia- C2-3 because it basically had the same function as my iPhone.

The Ipad2 is from my family.

hihihihihihihi.

I am really good at choosing my own birthday gift from my family kan.

So ALLLLL of them chipped in for my early birthday present.

The present I am buying for myself is in a store in Pertama Kompleks.

That is one huge secret because I need to get my life back,

amd one of the ways is to buy THAT!

Anyone can guess?

Happy Monday morning peeps!

Wide awake still

I'm still wide awake at 238am. This Medes are weird. Tuesday is my CT Scan day. Definitely takut!! Coz I'll b alone... How to sleeeeeeeee!!!!!

So far so good

My raya was a mess, but now i am okie..my meds seem to be compatible. But one problem, I am kinda an insomniac now. Can't sleep. Bought am iPad for my editorial work.gave my iPhone to hubby Ali since I feel that it is kinda funny to have both of the apple products. Bought nokia c2-3 I think! Seuper basic and awesome. Will up load pics soon. 13th spetember is my CT Scan day and Yuna at Dewan Filharmonik Petronas..super scared for the morning session, and super excited for the night show. It has been. Months since I last had fun...sampai sesat kat OU this morning with my MOM! Sad sad! Bought two pairs of shoes at Payless Sunway Pyramid. Due to some constrains using iPad..I'll upload the pics soon. ATLAST A SHOE SHOP SELLING SIZES UP TO 10!!!! okie calos