Wolf's Hill and Breakwater nominated for British Fantasy Awards

The shortlists for the British Fantasy Awards were announced on Tuesday, and I'm stunned to have made the running for not one, but two awards.

Wolf's Hill has been shortlisted for the August Derleth Award for Best Horror Novel, alongside Little Eve by Catriona Ward, The Cabin At The End of The World by Paul Tremblay and The Way of The Worm by Ramsey Campbell.

To be sharing a shortlist with those three authors, those three novels, to be included in the same category, feels like an award in itself. I'd be happy to lose to any of them.

It's also particularly poignant because the Black Road novels mean a lot to me, and there've been times when I wonder if anyone's even reading them. In guess some people are, and enjoying them too.

Breakwater, meanwhile, has been shortlisted for Best Novella, alongside 'Binti: The Night Masquerade' by Nnedi Okorafor, 'The Land Of Somewhere Safe' by Hal Duncan, 'The Last Temptation Of Dr Valentine' by John Llewellyn Probert, 'The Only Harmless Great Thing' by Brooke Bolander and 'The Tea Master And The Detective' by Aliette de Bodard. Again, a storming list of names.

The winners will be announced at FantasyCon in Glasgow on 20th October.

Here are the BFA nominations in full:

Best Fantasy Novel (the Robert Holdstock Award)
The Bitter Twins, by Jen Williams (Headline)
Empire of Sand, by Tasha Suri (Orbit)
Foundryside, by Robert Jackson Bennett (Jo Fletcher Books)
The Green Man’s Heir, by Juliet E McKenna (Wizard’s Tower Press)
The Loosening Skin, by Aliya Whiteley (Unsung Stories)
Priest of Bones, by Peter McLean (Jo Fletcher Books)

Best Horror Novel (the August Derleth Award)
The Cabin at the End of the World, by Paul Tremblay (Titan Books)
Little Eve, by Catriona Ward (W&N)
The Way of the Worm, by Ramsey Campbell (PS Publishing)
Wolf’s Hill, by Simon Bestwick (Snowbooks)

Best Newcomer (the Sydney J Bounds Award)
Tomi Adeyemi, for The Children of Blood and Bone (Macmillan Children’s Books)
Cameron Johnston, for The Traitor God (Angry Robot)
RF Kuang, for The Poppy War (HarperVoyager)
Tasha Suri, for Empire of Sand (Orbit)
Marian Womack, for Lost Objects (Luna Press Publishing)
Micah Yongo, for Lost Gods (Angry Robot)

Best Novella
Binti: The Night Masquerade, by Nnedi Okorafor (Tor.com)
Breakwater, by Simon Bestwick (Tor Books)
The Land of Somewhere Safe, by Hal Duncan (NewCon Press)
The Last Temptation of Dr Valentine, by John Llewellyn Probert (Black Shuck Books)
The Only Harmless Great Thing, by Brooke Bolander (Tor.com)
The Tea Master and the Detective, by Aliette de Bodard (Subterranean Press)

Best Short Fiction 
Down Where Sound Comes Blunt, by GV Anderson (F&SF March/April 2018)
Her Blood the Apples, Her Bones the Trees, by Georgina Bruce (The Silent Garden: A Journal of Esoteric Fabulism)
In the Gallery of Silent Screams, by Carole Johnstone & Chris Kelso (Black Static #65)
A Son of the Sea, by Priya Sharma (All the Fabulous Beasts)
Telling Stories, by Ruth EJ Booth (The Dark #43)
Thumbsucker, by Robert Shearman (New Fears 2)

Best Anthology
The Devil and the Deep: Horror Stories of the Sea, ed. Ellen Datlow (Night Shade Books)
Humanagerie, ed. Sarah Doyle & Allen Ashley (Eibonvale Press)
New Fears 2, ed. Mark Morris (Titan Books)
This Dreaming Isle, ed. Dan Coxon (Unsung Stories)
Year’s Best Weird Fiction, Vol. 5, ed. Robert Shearman & Michael Kelly (Undertow Publications)

Best Collection
All the Fabulous Beasts, by Priya Sharma (Undertow Publications)
The Future is Blue, by Catherynne M Valente (Subterranean Press)
How Long ‘til Black Future Month?, by NK Jemisin (Orbit)
Lost Objects, by Marian Womack (Luna Press Publishing)
Octoberland, by Thana Niveau (PS Publishing)
Resonance & Revolt, by Rosanne Rabinowitz (Eibonvale Press)

Best Non-Fiction
The Evolution of African Fantasy and Science Fiction, ed. Francesca T Barbini (Luna Press Publishing)
The Full Lid, by Alasdair Stuart (alasdairstuart.com/the-full-lid)
Ginger Nuts of Horror (www.gingernutsofhorror.com)
Les Vampires, by Tim Major (PS Publishing)
Noise and Sparks, by Ruth EJ Booth (Shoreline of Infinity)

Best Independent Press
Fox Spirit Books
Luna Press Publishing
NewCon Press
Unsung Stories

Best Magazine / Periodical
Black Static
Gingernuts of Horror
Interzone
Shoreline of Infinity
Uncanny Magazine

Best Audio
Bedtime Stories for the End of the World (endoftheworldpodcast.com)
Blood on Satan’s Claw, by Mark Morris (Bafflegab)
Breaking the Glass Slipper (www.breakingtheglassslipper.com)
PodCastle (podcastle.org)
PsuedoPod (pseudopod.org)

Best Comic / Graphic Novel
100 Demon Dialogues, by Lucy Bellwood (Toonhound Studios)
B.P.R.D. Hell on Earth, Vol. 1, by Mike Mignola, John Arcudi, Guy Davis, Tyler Crook & Dave Stewart (Dark Horse)
Hellboy: The Complete Short Stories, Vol. 1, by Mike Mignola and others (Dark Horse)
The Prisoner, by Robert S Malan & John Cockshaw (Luna Press Publishing)
Saga #49-54, by Brian K Vaughan & Fiona Staples (Image Comics)
Widdershins, Vol. 7, by Kate Ashwin

Best Artist
Vince Haig
David Rix
Daniele Serra
Sophie E Tallis

Best Film / Television Production
Annihilation, Alex Garland
Avengers: Infinity War, Christopher Markus & Stephen McFeely
Black Panther, Ryan Coogler & Joe Robert Cole
The Haunting of Hill House, Mike Flanagan
Inside No. 9, series 4, Steve Pemberton & Reece Shearsmith
Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse, Phil Lord & Rodney Rothman

Congratulations to my fellow nominees!

2018 In Review #2: Awards Eligibilty And All That

So now we come to the 'obligatory blowing of my own horn' bit, which doesn't come easily to a lot of Brits...

Anyway, here are the works that saw publication for the first time in 2018 and are eligible for nomination for any relevant awards...

Novel

Wolf's Hill, published by Snowbooks.

Story collection

Singing Back The Dark (mini-collection), published by Black Shuck Books.


Novelette

Breakwater, published by Tor.com. (16,000 words long, so some would consider it a novella and some a short story.)


Short fiction

'If I Should Fall From Grace With God' (Crimewave #13: Bad Light, TTA Press)

'Deadwater' (The Devil and the Deep, Night Shade Books)

'The Bells Of Rainey' (Great British Horror #3: For Those In Peril, Black Shuck Books)

'The Judgement Call' (Two Chilling Tales, Fox Spirit Books, Black Shuck Books)

'Hard Time Killing Floor Blues' (in Singing Back The Dark, Black Shuck Books)

'And All The Souls In Hell Shall Sing' (in Singing Back The Dark, Black Shuck Books)

'Moon Going Down' (in Singing Back The Dark, Black Shuck Books)

'Effigies Of Glass' (in Singing Back The Dark, Black Shuck Books)

'Dab and Sole' (Ko-fi)

'A Constant Sound Of Thunder' (Ko-fi)

Wolf's Hill Is Here!

The third book in the Black Road quartet, Wolf's Hill, is published today. You can buy it from Amazon (US or UK.)

Helen Damnation’s rebellion against the Reapers has spread. All across post-nuclear Britain, the fires of revolution are beginning to burn. But her old enemy Tereus Winterborn still intends to rule supreme, and has a new ally in Dr Mordake, the creator of Project Tindalos – now monstrously transfigured by the forces he unleashed at Hobsdyke.

Their target is Helen’s closest ally: the last Grendelwolf, Gevaudan Shoal. The worst tortures of all await him in the cells of the Pyramid. At Hobsdyke, in the tunnels beneath Graspen Hill, the legacy of the Night Wolves is waiting for him – along with secrets about Helen that threaten to tear both Gevaudan and the resistance apart.

With the Reapers poised to strike at the first sign of weakness, a series of brutal killings breaks out behind rebel lines – and the evidence leads back to Gevaudan’s door. With all those closest to Helen turning against her, she faces her greatest challenge yet as Winterborn begins his bid for ultimate power.

Thank you to Emma Barnes, Tik Dalton and Anna Torborg (past and present Snowbooks bods), everyone who shared the last blog, and all the reviewers who've said kind things about the series.

The Black Road rolls on...

Wolf's Hill is coming...

What with the excitement, drama and heat of the last month, I managed to completely forget that my seventh (hopefully a lucky number) novel, Wolf's Hill, will be released on 31st July.

FAQ: (well, not really frequently asked questions, but who knows, maybe in future...)

Q: What is Wolf's Hill?
A: It's the third novel in the Black Road Quartet, following on from Hell's Ditch and Devil's Highway.

Q: What is the Black Road?
A: It's a series of novels set in Britain twenty years after a nuclear attack. The country's mostly still in ruins, and controlled by the tyrannical Commanders of the Reclamation and Protection Command and their soldiers: the Reapers.

Q: What's the story so far?
In the first book, Hell's Ditch, a Commander called Winterborn is looking for an ultimate weapon to consolidate his bid for supreme power. This takes the form of Project Tindalos, a paranormal weapons system developed at REAP Base Hobsdyke by Dr Mordake. Project Tindalos ran wildly out of control and was only stopped when Winterborn's old enemy Helen Damnation (no, I couldn't resist calling her that) and her rebels destroyed Hobsdyke.

Devil's Highway saw Helen's rebellion gaining strength, aided by an assorted band of allies - among them, Gevaudan Shoal, the last of the genetically-engineered warriors known as Grendelwolves. Winterborn attempted to crush the rebellion with an assault on their base at Ashwood Fort, spearheaded by the monstrous Catchmen, created from the remains of Project Tindalos. The rebels survived, but now the conflict is moving into a newer, deadlier phase...

Q: So what's in store in Wolf's Hill?
A: Dr Mordake, the creator of Project Tindalos, has resurfaced, and is advising Winterborn in his war against the rebels. The Reapers having failed to crush the rebels militarily, Mordake seeks to break their unity and divide them against one another - and against Helen in particular. And central to his plans is Helen's closest ally, Gevaudan Shoal.

A new enemy will emerge. The rebels will face a deadly threat from within their own ranks. And secrets will be revealed: Helen's past, Mordake's journey, and what really lies beneath the ruins of Hobsdyke.

(You'll also learn how Gevaudan got his name. No particular relevance to the plot there, but just in case you were interested...)

Q: Where can I get hold of it?
A: You can buy it on Amazon (US or UK.) It should be up on the Snowbooks website soon: Hell's Ditch and Devil's Highway are there already, or at least pages showing a huge range of links where you can order a physical or electronic copy.

Q: Will it be any good?
A: Well, only you can judge. But here's what the reviewers have said abouit the series so far:
Hell's Ditch:
"Grabs you and won't let go." - Pat Cadigan.

"I loved the time I spent on the world of Hell’s Ditch and I look forward with much anticipation to the follow ups. It’s a book I recommend highly." - Dark Musings.

"Hell’s Ditch is a magnificent achievement, the work of a writer who knows how to tell a story and make it hurt, but in a good way, and putting on my fortune-teller’s cap I suspect that the best is still to come." - Black Static.

"Hell’s Ditch is the epic you always knew Bestwick had inside him... There is loyalty, bravery, self-sacrifice, tenderness, and loss. And some of the best writing on the planet, but you were expecting that if you’ve ever read Bestwick’s work. Aaannnddd, there is also violence, gory imagery, that kind of language, sexuality, and reference to torture. The very thing you don’t want your teenagers reading and the very thing you should buy them…things aren’t looking good for us right now and they might be the ones to make some tough decisions." - Hikeeba.


Devil's Highway:
"There’s genuine poignancy in this novel... It actually made me tear up... But overall, what an incredible ride this is. With the Black Road Quartet now half complete, the bar is set impressively high, but Simon Bestwick gives us no reason to think that the rest of this tour-de-force in progress will be anything less than superb." - The Hellforge.

"Part post-apocalyptic horror, part military action, Bestwick has crafted a thrilling tour-de-force novel full of military grade action sequences and complex characters. But also moments of intense emotion and the lightest touches of romance which combine to deliver a compelling story that pulls you in and refuses to let go." - This Is Horror.

"In the hands of another writer, Helen might have become a dull caricature of a ‘strong female character’. Here, though, her flaws and failings are put under a narrative microscope and viewed alongside her strengths and triumphs: she is a brave warrior, a survivor, a leader of men. She is also weak and selfish and dangerously impulsive. She is imperfect, and all the more interesting a character for it... A potent mix of grim, dystopian sci-fi and visceral horror, combined with a vibrant imagination, lift a standard ‘Good vs Evil’ narrative and have turned it into something quite special indeed." - Ginger Nuts of Horror

2017: The Roundup

At least I didn't quack up.

Writing wise, 2017 was what Aliya Whiteley has called a 'Duck in the Mist' year - an awful lot of paddling going on beneath the surface, but not that much activity above it. I wrote quite a lot, and there'll be more about that in 2018, but comparatively little activity on the publication front. So here's the year that was.

 








Novels
I wrote the final drafts of Wolf's Hill and the entirety of a new novel, The Mancunian Candidate.

I didn't sell any novels in 2017, but there may be news on that front soon. Or not, of course. Such is the business....

The paperback of Devil's Highway was published in February. (It first appeared as a hardback in December 2016, however, so would be ineligible for any awards for 2017, assuming anyone was daft enough to nominate it. For anyone daft enough to want to read it, the ebook's still only £1.99)

Novelettes and Short Stories

Finished the first draft of a novelette, Breakwater, and redrafted to completion.
Also wrote first drafts of four novelette-length (I think) stories. Redrafts ongoing.
Wrote and completed two other stories, currently making the rounds.

Short story 'Deadwater' accepted for publication in Ellen Datlow's anthology, Devil and the Deep.
Breakwater accepted for publication by Tor.com in 2018.

Short fiction published this year:
'The Adventure of the Orkney Shark' in Sherlock Holmes' School of Detection.
'The Tarn' in The Beauty of Death 2: Death by Water.

Devil's Highway is unleashed!

Today, at last, the paperback edition of Devil's Highway is properly in stock! As you may remember, it was originally slated for release on 1st February, but Snowbooks had so many advance orders they ended up switching publishers for a bigger run! So, at last, it's loose now.

Also, Snowbooks are now doing a special offer on ebooks: all their ebooks are now available at a reduced rate. That includes Devil's Highway, and Hell's Ditch too! For the full list of Snowbooks e-titles, go here! (The Devil's Highway ebook doesn't seem to be on Amazon just now, so you'll have to get it from the site, here.

And just to round it all off, here's that third book trailer...

#thereapersarecoming

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More Black Road News: The Second Trailer!

And so here's the second trailer! Number three will be along soon...

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More Black Road News: The Second Trailer!

And so here's the second trailer! Number three will be along soon...

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Things of the Week, 6th February 2017: Good/Bad News re Devil's Highway, Tales To Terrify, Writer's Day in Sheffield

I know you're sick of the sight of it by now.

First of all, huge thanks to everyone who’s bought, pre-ordered or reviewed Devil’s Highway so far. It’s hugely appreciated. So, as promised by the above title, some good news and some bad news.

The bad news first.

The lovely Emma Barnes at Snowbooks has been in touch to let me know that the paperback won’t be properly in stock until 20th February. Some copies will be going out to online purchasers, including (at my request) ones originally earmarked as my advance copies. So my apologies to those who may have to wait a couple more weeks to read the latest instalment of the Black Road.

However…

The good news is the reason for that delay.

Basically, Snowbooks have received WAY more pre-orders than anticipated – between five and seven times as many as they expected. As a result, they’ve decided to change printers in order to request a larger print run.

That’s right.

So many people have ordered copies, the publishers have had to print more.

So once again, a HUGE thanks to everyone who’s ordered a copy. Again, sorry for the delay, but you will get your copies. I really hope you find them worth the wait.

The kick-assness that is KT Davies.

In other news, I’ve a new story up on the Tales to Terrify podcast: 'Vecqueray’s Blanket', from my Pictures Of The Dark, is read by Graeme Dunlop. It joins 'The Children Of Moloch' (read by J.K. Shepler) and 'The Churn', (read by Ashley Storrie.) So go and listen for free, if you’re so inclined.
second collection

Also, I’ll be in Sheffield on 25th February, co-hosting a Writer’s Day for Hive South Yorkshire with the brilliant KT Davies (read her Lowdown here!) It’s open to budding writers up to the age of 25, so if you know anyone who’d be interested, spread the word...

I’m hoping to get the blogging back into some sort of regular groove again soon – juggling writing with the new day job has thrown me off a bit, although I’ve ended up being pretty productive (touch wood.)

Till next time!

Devil's Highway: Paperback Launch

TODAY'S THE DAY!

The paperback of Devil's Highway, the second book in the Black Road quartet, is released today.

You can buy direct from the publishers, or from Amazon.

In the haunted desolation of post-nuclear Britain, the Catchman walks. Spawned from the nightmare of Project Tindalos, it doesn’t tire, stop, or die. It exists for one purpose only: to find and kill Helen Damnation, leader of the growing revolt against the tyrannical Reapers and their Commander, Tereus Winterborn.

Meanwhile, Helen is threatened from both without and within. Her nightmares of the Black Road have returned, and the ghosts of her murdered family demand vengeance, in the form of either Winterborn’s death or her own. And close behind the Catchman, a massive Reaper assault, led by Helen’s nemesis, Colonel Jarrett, is nearing the rebels’ base.

Killing Helen has become Jarrett’s obsession: only one of them can emerge from this conflict alive.

And in others news, today I finished the first draft of the third Black Road novel, Wolf's Hill, which will be published in 2018.

Please share far and wide! Like an idiot (well, partly because juggling the new job with the writing in knackering me out) I completely forgot to do much to signal boost this one, and it's a book I'm very proud of. I hope you'll enjoy it too.

Basically, just imagine this as the theme music:

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#thereapersarecoming

Black Road: Devil's Highway

The Snowbooks website this morning!

Yes, that's right! At long last, the waiting's over. The second book in The Black Road, Devil's Highway, is now available to buy in hardback and ebook form.

Following on from last year's Hell's Ditch, Devil's Highway shows Helen Damnation and her allies carrying on their fight against post-nuclear-attack Britain's tyrannical rulers, the Reapers, and their Commander, Tereus Winterborn. But Winterborn and his fanatical henchwoman, Colonel Jarrett, will stop at nothing to destroy her.

Helen finds herself hunted by the inhuman, unstoppable Catchman...

Helen slowly raised her head and peered over the sill through the grimy window. As she did, a steel helmet rose into view; two round glass lenses lit by a pale, flickering light stared into her eyes. Breath gusted from the metal grille over its nose, misting the window. Below that a red and white grin stretched impossibly wide across its face.

For a second time stopped, didn’t exist, and there was just the damp brick room and the Catchman’s face grinning through the window.

The grin widened further still; the Catchman screeched, the glass rattling in its frame. Helen flung herself backwards as a clawed hand smashed through the window...

...directing a battle to the death against Jarrett as the rebel base at Ashwood Fort comes under siege...

The guns opened fire from the shelters, and the ones on the wall hammered down. The ground burst and shattered; men and women dropped and spun; fell and lay still, fell screaming. Danny almost went down as the woman running alongside him pitched sideways. He caught her, staggered, then let her drop; half her head was gone.

A Reaper leant over the battlements to fire at them; Danny fired a burst from the Lanchester and the man pitched over the rail screaming. Danny ducked again, ran on and reached the bottom of the steps, pressing flat against the wall.

Reapers above, firing down; he threw himself flat and the bullets flew over. Cries and thumps of falling bodies from behind. He fired up, heard another SMG fire behind him. Fired the Lanchester up the steps, zig-zagging the barrel. Two Reapers rolled down them. “Come on!”

Danny up and charging, firing bursts as he went. Muzzles flashed above. A cry; someone just behind him fell backwards down the steps, shot in the throat. Danny advanced and fired, advanced and fired. Slow progress, step by step, bullets cracking by and chipping the wall. The Lanchester emptied; as he changed sticks he saw a Reaper appear at the top, rifle aimed down...

...and facing the secrets of her own past on the Black Road.

She starts screaming, screaming into the dead beneath her. Things shift and stir in the earth. They’re waking. Frank and Belinda, the others, all the ones killed, they’re coming for revenge. Because this is her fault, of course it is. How can it not be? ... Her screams become howls of anguish – not only grief, but torment. There was a saying she’d heard somewhere – from Mum? From Darrow? Hell is truth seen too late. And now she’s in Hell. The dead are waking and coming for her, to tear her apart....

Devil's Highway is one of the most relentless things I've ever written. I'm pretty damned proud of it. I
hope you'll enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing the book.

For those who'd rather wait for the paperback, it'll be out on February 1st 2017.

Huge, huge thanks are due to so many people, but especiall my amazing editor, Tik Dalton, who's done a fantastic job. And also to Lisa DuMond at Hikeeba.com and Anthony Watson at Dark Musings for the first advance reviews of the novel, here and here.

From the Hikeeba review:

What is astonishing is Bestwick’s portrayal of battle... it is frightening how well he grasps the horror and conveys it....  
Hell’s Ditch started the engines and Devil’s Highway pushes the needle into the red as we hold on with a death grip to race through the atrocities and unstoppable action of the second volume, white-knuckled as we are thrust into the middle of the firefights and the helpless fear for those we have come to love and will certainly lose.
Can an author push the machinery even farther towards destruction and keep readers’ nails dug into the iron for more? Maybe not every one, but trust Bestwick. The Black Road has only gotten more horrifying with each volume, but I cannot look away, nor do I want to.

And from Dark Musings:

Who lives? Who dies? These, and many more questions will be answered within the pages of Devil’s Highway... The book fulfils [its] role admirably, progressing the narrative whilst setting things up for the final instalments. The back-stories add an extra edge to the inevitable showdowns and the introduction of a shadowy and mysterious character raises the expectation of new horrors in prospect...
The next part of the journey along the Black Road has begun.

The third novel, Wolf's Hill, will be released in 2018.

Please share this news far and wide!

I'll leave you with some music to suit the mood...

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The Lowdown with... Steven Savile

Steven Savile has written for Doctor Who, Torchwood, Primeval, Stargate, Warhammer, Slaine, Fireborn, Pathfinder, Arkham Horror, Rogue Angel, and other popular game and comic worlds. His novels have been published in eight languages to date, including the Italian bestseller L’eridita. He won the International Media Association of Tie-In Writers award for his Primeval novel, SHADOW OF THE JAGUAR, published by Titan, in 2010, and The inaugural Lifeboat to the Stars award for TAU CETI (co-authored with International Bestselling novelist Kevin J. Anderson). Writing as Matt Langley his Young Adult novel BLACK FLAG, published by Cambridge University Press, was a finalist for the People’s Book Prize 2015. SILVER, his debut thriller was one of the Top 30 bestselling ebooks of 2011 (The Bookseller). He wrote the story for the massive bestselling computer game BATTLEFIELD 3 and has collaborated with HipHop legend Prodigy of Mobb Deep on HNIC. His latest books include: SHERLOCK HOLMES AND THE MURDER AT SORROWS CROWN, published by Titan in September 2016; SUNFAIL, an apocalyptic thriller published in the US by Akashic Books, and STELLARIS: INFINITE FRONTIERS published by Paradox Interactive in April 2016. 2017 sees the release of PARALLEL LINES, a brand new crime novel coming from Titan and GLASS TOWN, a hardcover original from St Martin’s Press in the US.

1. Tell us three things about yourself. 

a. I’m a Northumbrian lad living in exile. I went on holiday to Sweden in 1997 and never came home again. Literally. Phoned my mum who was supposed to pick me up at the airport and told her I wasn’t getting on the plane. It was the least planned emigration of all time.
b. I signed the Official Secrets Act – it’s not as exciting as it sounds, though my last few minutes covered under it did include being escorted at gunpoint which was almost James Bondy…
c. I’ve been struck by lightning. More than once. First time was when I was 19. Raging storms. Folks away. The guys coming around to play an all nighter session of Call of Cthulhu. They got lost. I went out into the storm, not thinking, using one of those stupid golfing umbrellas. It was ripped out of my hand, burned and buckled, and I was thrown about ten feet back across the street. What people don’t tell you is if it happens once, odds are it’ll happen twice. You become a bit of a lightning attractor. I swear, I’ve been knocked off my feet outside the parliament buildings in Stockholm, I’ve been on a jumbo jet over Florida that’s been hit (and seen the lightning go sizzling down the centre aisle). I was at a friend’s place once in a lightning storm and they didn’t believe me so I went into the garden in the rain and sat down. Within maybe two minutes a tree no more than fifty feet away was struck. I went right back inside, pronto.

2. What was the first thing you had published? 
It was a short story in a long forgotten small press mag in the UK called Exuberance. I was in the DF Lewis Special, a story called 'Coming For to Carry You Home'. That must have been 1991. Just saying that makes me feel old.

3. Which piece of writing are you proudest of? 
GLASS TOWN. It’s not out yet, but it’s the book I’ve always thought I had inside me. The one time I can look at the file and say you know what, I did it, I got it out as it was in my head, and it’s lovely. It’s not just that it’s my best novel, though I think it is, it’s that it was written in adversity. I had to write the final 70k in the months my father was dying, post terminal diagnosis, and then after his funeral. It was the hardest writing I’ve ever had to do, too, because for so long I thought I was never going to write again.

4. …and which makes you cringe? 
That’s harder than it should be to answer, but in retrospect I think it’s got to be the Stargate novel. That thing was cursed. It started out as a back-in-time adventure to a POW camp during the liberation, and posed the problems of not allowing themselves to get involved in history, and it was a pretty good story – then about a week before it went to print MGM shit the bed and came back ‘oh my god we can’t do a book about the Nazis! Make them aliens…’ which was a terrible terrible decision. It killed the book. I had a week to make the changes. Now… I was sprucing up my website tonight and actually thought hmm should I just make that one disappear… it’s tempting.

5. What’s a normal writing day like? 
I write full time. It’s been my day job for 12 years this year. Once upon a time I was a ‘get up at 9, write from 10-12, have lunch, write from 1-5, hanging out with the wife, write from 10-1… now I’m more like wake up at 10, watch last night’s tv, take the dog for a walk, putter around, oh look it’s 2pm… better go write, and I put in about 1000-1500 words a day. I don’t push myself beyond that because honestly I think the quality drops if I try to do 3k days, storylines rush, things don’t get time to breathe. BUT and this is a massive caveat, the couple of hours I’m walking Buster every day, I’m thinking about the plot, I’m wrestling scenes or threads or coming up with details. I spend 3-4 hours every day thinking about the stuff I’m going to do that day or in the week or so beyond. It’s vital time.

6. Which piece of writing should someone who’s never read you before pick up first? 
 Ideally it’d be GLASS TOWN or PARALLEL LINES but neither of those are out ywt, so it’d have to be SILVER, it’s the one that’s sold by far and away the most copies of anything I’ve ever done, and has generated the most fan-and-hate mail with the ‘Where’s GOLD?’ cry (it’s coming, Snowbooks, 2017… I promise) but it is absolutely the book where I finally became comfortable with myself and confident in my storytelling. So it’s the one I give away to people when I meet them or they come to the house.

7. What are you working on now? 
I’m working on a new novel for St Martins, COLDFALL WOOD, which is a very British mythological story, think Mythago Wood filtered through the lens of Clive Barker…

Public Service Announcement: Devil's Highway Release Date and Crime Novel News

So, breaking the silence again to share some news:

The release date for Devil's Highway has been pushed back. This isn't Snowbooks' fault; as blog readers will know, I was late getting the MS to the publisher, and that's what's knocked things out of kilter. Also, because the novel was completed at white heat and warp speed, both I and my brilliant editor, Tik Dalton (more about Tik in a second) have found a host of minor errors that need fixing.

Personally, I'd rather wait a bit longer to see the book and have everything about it spot on than see it come out on schedule with things wrong with it. I don't have the new release date yet, but I'll be sure to share it when I do.

Tik and her brood of novellas.

Tik, by the way, is the newest addition to the Snowbooks staff, and has been editing Devil's Highway for publication. I met her briefly, for the first time, at Fantasycon, where she and Emma Barnes were handling the launch of Snowbooks' horror novellas (including Cate's The Bureau Of Them, Mark Morris' Albion Fay, Ray Cluley's Within The Wind, Beneath The Snow and John Llewellyn Probert's The Nine Deaths Of Dr Valentine and The Hammer Of Dr Valentine, recovered from the Spectral Press trainwreck, and also featuring Gary Fry's Scourge and Andrew Hook's The Greens.)


One of Tik's first assignments at Snowbooks was to design and typeset all seven novellas. They all looked great, as anyone who's seen them will tell you. And she's been a joy to work with - fast, professional, patient and helpful.

In other news, I have now signed my first contract via my agent, Tom Witcomb, relating to an audiobook of my crime novel. More details in due course!

In the meantime, thanks for your patience: Devil's Highway will be here soon!

FCon Awaits...

Tomorrow, the dread trio that is Bestwick, Gardner and Priya Sharma will be setting off again, like the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. (Except that there'll be three of us, and two of us are women, and we're in a car.) Off to Scarborough, for FANTASYCON!

Very much looking forward to seeing some old friends and meeting a few new ones.

The highlights, for me, will be the Snowbooks launch (featuring the relaunch of Cate's novella The Bureau Of Them), the awards (where Cate's on the shortlist for Best Novella alongside Nnedi Okorafor, Usman Tanveer Malik, Mark Morris and Paul Cornell, and where both Cate and Priya are shortlisted for Best Short Story with V.H. Leslie, Ralph Robert Moore, Adam Nevill and Frances Kay) - and the launch of Alchemy Press' tribute anthology to Joel Lane, Something Remains.

The inimitable Des Lewis has carried out one of his real-time reviews of Something Remains, available in three parts here, here and here.

Of my own contribution, 'And Ashes In Her Hair', Des says:


Ashes are fragments from many things all made the same thing by fire. This story, from whatever fragment it is made, is overtly the story of a call centre worker under strict employment rules, wringing out, from the results of a soul’s combustion, his own casual relationships with this book’s earlier waifs and strays – and wreaking sustenance from near-poisoned food, as well as eventually becoming complicit with acts of arson-into-ashes taking place in the vacant lot near the office where he works … with a swaddled outcome wrought into being as if for his embracing of a bereavement as well as of a potential birth. Heartbreaking.

I haven't seen Des since my first Fantasycon back in 1999. I believe he's going to be at this one though; it'll be good to meet him again.

For those others going this weekend - see you there!

Things of the Week: 9th September 2016

This week's things?
Stuff is bubbling under. The Proofs of Devil's Highway have arrived from Snowbooks. I've finished the opening chapters of Wolf's Hill. And some good news from my agent. Unfortunately I can't say anything about it yet (contracts have to be signed, etc, which is some way off.) Sorry about that. Nobody loves a vaguebooker. Or vagueblogger, as the case may be.

Anyway, do you fine folks know Mr Tony Schumacher? No? Then you should acquaint yourselves with both the man and his work. If you get a chance to attend one of his readings, you definitely should - he's an extremely nice bloke and a very funny guy.

Oh, and he's also a bloody good writer.

The Darkest Hour, his first novel, is set in 1946, in an alternate-history Nazi-occupied Britain. I admit it - I didn't get round to reading this for some time, as my first reaction was that this had been done before, a lot.

But The Darkest Hour is a different kettle of fish for two reasons. First of all, you can forget the cliches of evil Germans and square-chinned Resistance fighters - the cast of this novel are human beings, flawed and complex. As in other occupied countries, the resistance movements are made up either of Soviet-aligned Communists or right-wing nationalists, half of them as anti-Semitic as the Nazis themselves.

John Rossett, its protagonist, is a war hero, honoured as 'the British Lion' by the German victors he fought at Dunkirk, and now put to work as a police officer loyal to the new regime. Wracked with guilt and self-disgust, he is - like most of Tony's characters - one of the little people, on the sidelines of history, just trying to keep his head down and survive.

The turning point comes when Rossett has to aid in the deportation of Jews from London's East End - only to find the fate of one of them, a small boy, in his hands. It would be the easiest thing in the world just to hand him over to the SS - but he doesn't. Rossett sets out on a path to redemption, but the costs and consequences will be high...

Imaginative, pacey, well-written and with sharp, fresh characterisation that makes this a very different kind of 'what-if?' book, The Darkest Hour is highly recommended. A sequel, The British Lion, is also out, and Rossett's saga will continue in a third novel.

I actually read the book last year, and meant to say something, but forgot. Tony recently did a book video, and gave a couple of novels he'd enjoyed a mention - one of them being Hell's Ditch, which ended up jogging my memory. You can see it here:

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I met Cassandra Khaw at Fantasycon last year; she's an emerging writer of whom good things are already being said (and I hope to host a Lowdown with her soon.) She also wrote this piece on grief and the writing process, which I found thoughful and moving and well worth sharing.

When I was a child, he told me that room service was provided by dinosaurs; they delivered waiters through the windows. He said there were unicorns living in the jungles, magical creatures that could be lured into the open with a single Mars bars. He told me about camping stories, about getting lost in the undergrowth. He told me about fights in school, about racing dolphins in the ocean, about being adrift in sea. 

He made my universe larger.

He was my universe.

I’ve had people ask me why I write, what motivates my desire to craft fiction, what makes me want to tell stories. I never really knew. The answers changed with every conversation, every interview. But I think I know now.  

Because my father was a storyteller and because every time I wrap my audience in a thread of fresh-spun myth, I remember what it is like being a little girl again, curled against his heart, listening as he rumbled through a fresh tale. Because he taught me how to tell stories and because every time I tell a story, I feel his ghost under my words, feel the magic of that moment when the galaxy pivoted on the breath of a syllable.

Because when the words come together, he’s alive again.

(See also this post by Cate along related themes.)

Elsewhere, I encountered On Being A Late Bloomer by Kelly Robson in Clarkesworld, which struck a profound chord. Time and age have been on my mind a lot lately - this year, it'll be twenty years since I graduated from University, nineteen since I started writing seriously. Twelve years since my first book was published. Seven since my first novel. And the realisation dawns: I'm forty-two. I'm not young any more. I'm not a promising new writer or an up-and-comer. I have been in this game for nearly two decades, doing a succession of fairly crappy, low-paid jobs because the task of both climbing a corporate ladder and trying to build a writing career is just something I can't pull off. I am middle-aged, over the hump, looking at the down slope, and there are younger, newer writers coming up behind me who already seem to be making bigger names for themselves and achieving more than I have yet.

It scares me.

There's a scene in From Dusk Til Dawn where Harvey Keitel says:

Every person who... chooses the service of God as his life's work has something in common. I don't care if you're a preacher, a priest, a nun, a rabbi or a Buddhist monk. Many, many times during your life you will look at your reflection in a mirror and ask yourself: am I a fool?

It's just as true if you're a writer, or any kind of artist. That fear that you'll get to the end, be looking at a miserable and impoverished old age, and for what? No-one will know who you are, and you'll look at the stuff you've done and think "Is that it? This is crap. Mediocre. I gave so much up for this?"

But then I remind myself I'm not in competition with those other writers. There's enough room for us
all, and what counts is the work and the hope that it'll outlast you. If you can use it to pay the bills and avoid having a real job while you're at it, so much the better.

I remind myself - for instance - that Mary Wesley published her first adult novel, The Camomile Lawn, when she was 71. She went onto write ten best-sellers, selling three million copies in the last twenty years of her life. She didn't do too badly, in the end.

And I remind myself, and others, to read Kelly's column.

So don’t give up. Don’t quit. It’s never too late—not at any age. Find your own path, wherever it may lead. Being a late bloomer can be an incredible gift. It can lead to successes you never dreamed of.

And I remind myself, most of all, that none of us are done yet, however late or early in the day it might be.

Have a good weekend.

My Fantasycon Schedule, 2016

Fantasycon By The Sea is nearly upon us! From the 23rd to the 25th of September, the (hopefully) sunny seaside town of Scarborough plays host to a motley mob of writers, editors, illustrators and fans.

It's going to be mostly a quiet con for me this year: when not in the bar, I have one panel, two launches and maybe a reading.

Saturday 24th September

12.00pm -1.00pm
Book launch: Alchemy Press
Main Ballroom,  Grand Hotel, St Nicholas Cliff
Something Remains, by Alchemy Press, including my story 'And Ashes In Her Hair'.
Also: The Private Life of Elder Things, by Adrian Tchaikovsky, Keris McDonald and Adam Gauntlett.


2.00pm - 3.00pm
Book launch: Snowbooks
Main Ballroom, Grand Hotel, St Nicholas Cliff

Actually, this is for Cate rather than me - Snowbooks are publishing her novella The Bureau Of Them, alongside novellas by Mark Morris, Ray Cluley, Gary Fry, Andrew Hook and John Llewellyn Probert. They'll be bringing out Devil's Highway too, but sadly not until next month!


8.00pm - 9.00pm
Panel: Paint It Black: Why Is Horror So Often Incorporated Into Other Genres?
Palm Court Ballroom, Grand Hotel, St Nicholas Cliff
Simon Bestwick, S J Townsend, Jo Thomas, Timothy Jarvis, Phil Sloman (Chair)

I've put in for a reading slot as well, but don't know if I have one as yet. Will let you know if I do.

See you there!

Things of the Week: 9th July 2016

*Brandishes sword in triumph*
*falls over and passes out*

Well, it's been hard work, but Devil's Highway is finally completed. Slightly past the deadline, but not disastrously so.

I finally admitted defeat on trying to type up the pre-recorded notes last month, realising that the text I was getting was rambly and in need of serious rewriting. So I rewrote the hell out of what I had and set about writing the rest of it again from scratch.

There were just under 40,000 words in the draft at that point. Between two and three weeks later, there are now 107,000.

There's still rewriting to do, but the beast is done. And it may, actually (whisper it) not suck.

Emma Barnes of Snowbooks has just tweeted Devil's Highway's inclusion in the Inpress catalogue, so

it's finally been announced outside my blog. Here's the blurb, for those who prefer to read these things without dislocating your necks:

Their hair was bleached and matted, their chalk-white skin dry and fissured like sun-baked earth. Their eyes were near-black, glistening clots with a gleam of red; when they grinned their teeth were needles of bone. “Don’t worry, Helen. We won’t hurt you. But something will.”

In the haunted desolation of post-nuclear Britain, the Catchman walks. Spawned from the nightmare of Project Tindalos, it doesn’t tire, stop, or die. It exists only for one purpose: to find and kill Helen Damnation, leader of the growing revolt against the tyrannical Reapers and their Commander, Tereus Winterborn.

 

Meanwhile, Helen is threatened both from without and within. Her nightmares of the Black Road have returned, and the ghosts of her murdered family demand vengeance, in the form of either Winterborn’s death or her own. And close behind the Catchman, a massive Reaper assault, led by Helen’s nemesis, Colonel Jarrett, is nearing the rebels’ base. Killing Helen has become Jarrett’s obsession: only one of them can emerge from this conflict alive.

 

With the fate of the rebellion in the balance, Helen faces her deadliest challenge yet, pitted in single combat against an unstoppable killer, commanding armies in a bloody and pitiless battle – and, at last, confronting the demons of her past on the Black Road.

Also in the last week, the first royalty statement for Hell's Ditch arrived. I did my best not to dream of private islands or having my own personal airship when I clicked the email, but I cried anyway.

HE IS NOT SUPPOSED TO LOOK HAPPY.

Luckily, along with an incredibly loving and supportive wife, I also have good friends - including one author whose career is currently all writers hope for, and who's been unfailingly kind and generous with their time and advice. When I bemoaned my sales figures, I got a healthy dose of real talk about how many copies most writers sell. Left me feeling better anyway...

Similar real talk, as ever, can be found in this blog here, by Kameron Hurley.

In other news, we got Sky. (Yeah, I know.)  Mainly because having just finished the Game Of Thrones Season 5 box set, we would actually like to see Season 6 some time before 2017. It helped us catch up on the BBC's The Living And The Dead (which despite the gorgeous landscapes and good cast, managed to be yet another wasted opportunity) and The Tunnel, which is damn good, although I'm still getting used to the sight of Stephen Dillane smiling, after four seasons of him as Stannis Baratheon in GoT.

Anyway, time to step away from the computer and into the real world. Catch you all next week, and take care.

The Day After

Sometimes all you can really do is take one small step, make one small gesture. It's nothing, it's pathetic, nowhere near enough. But it isn't worthless. Because it is a start.

I managed to squeeze out about 500 words yesterday, in between staring in horror at social media and raging in impotent fury while my blood pressure climbed to danger levels. This morning - stepped away from it and listened to some soothing music while picturing peaceful seashore and lakes (yes, really - it actually helped) then started writing again - two scenes of a chapter, then a quick spell on Facebook, rinse and repeat as needed.

Words so far: 750 and climbing. And in a minute or so, I'll add more to the count.

Writing has always been my life-line, what has helped me make sense of and function in this world. It wasn't yesterday's awful news that stopped me writing yesterday: it was whipping my own rage and sorrow to non-stop hysterical fever-pitch on social media.

Tonight, we're seeing some friends. There will be good company. There will be time with my beautiful wife. And in between then, I will carry on writing this novel, getting it finished as soon as I can to as high a standard as I'm capable of. Apart from anything else, I have that cover to live up to.

The worst elements of the political right in Britain have won a victory. (And I know not everyone voted Leave for right-wing/racist reasons, but nonethless the result has redounded to the advantage of those people.) These snakes have fucked up many good things and will despoil far more before we're able to put an end to their evil, but we will. I hope. I'm trying to believe that we're better than I fear.

In the meantime, today, the one victory I can deny them is this: I will write. I will continue to create. It is not enough. It is very little. But it's the one thing I can stop them taking away at this moment.

The Reapers in the Black Road embody all I hate and despise: authoritarianism and selfishness, cruelty and contempt towards the powerless. They're what happens when you give people like Gove, Farage, IDS and Theresa May guns and absolute power. In the world I've created, at least, they will be fought. And with luck, they will be destroyed.

May the same befall they and all their kind in real life too.

ETA: Final word count: 3,277

The work goes on.

Things of the Week: 22nd April 2016

As the clock ticks steadily down towards the wedding day, this week has been a jumble of good and bad stuff.

Tuesday saw a day trip to Manchester, and then on up to Bolton; as those of you who've met me in real life I will know, I am on the large side - larger than most clothes shops will cater to. Luckily Bolton boasts a little place called BigSize which caters to the larger gentleman. So now I have a suit for the wedding. All that remains are the alterations, since the damned legs are about a foot too long.


It was funny, travelling up through Manchester and in particular Salford, where I'd lived for twelve years before moving away with Cate. Already a lot of stuff has changed. Things change all the time, out there anyway; buildings are knocked down or built up, are given a makeover; streets are pedestrianised. All this stuff happens incrementally, day by day; you barely notice it when you're living there, but when you come back after a break, it smacks you in the eye.

I love Salford and the area around it. It's where I went to University and many places there hold fond memories for me. It's full of hidden beauty spots and places where I've found quiet and peace: the Landslide, Clifton Country Park, Lightoaks Park, Peel Park. Nearly everywhere I looked, there's a memory. And they're being slowly washed away. The Black Horse pub, with its beautiful carved keystones above the doors, where I got merrily drunk more times than I can count back in the '90s and where the jukebox included both Wish You Were Here by Pink Floyd and First And Last And Always by The Sisters Of Mercy, is scheduled to be demolished to make way for more overpriced apartment buildings (as if Salford doesn't have enough of those.) There's an online petition to save it, for anyone interested. Although I suspect that money will get what money wants. It usually does in Britain.

So yeah: bittersweet.

Still on a temporary break from Devil's Highway; the project I started working on has kicked into some form of life and I should hopefully have a first draft in a couple more days. After that, I have a short story to write. And then...? Then it'll be back to the book, or on with some dull but necessary stuff I've been vowing to get around to for the last couple of months. Probably the latter.

There've been some delays with my author copies of the Hell's Ditch paperback - NOT the fault of Snowbooks, I hasten to add! But they arrived today! I have now stopped drooling over them. My first royalty statement from Omnium Gatherum for Angels Of The Silences arrived. My agent returned, knackered, from the London Book Fair.



Oh, and the shit hit the fan in the Horror Writer's Association.

Controversy flared over the appointment of British editor and author David A. Riley (hereafter DAR) as a juror for the HWA's Stoker Awards. DAR's past association as a candidate for the far-right National Front in the 1980s is well known, and although he's said he no longer holds such views, the evidence is also that he's remained sympathetic to the goals of the far-right in subsequent years. So there were always going to be issues with his taking on a role that requires impartiality, especially at a time when the SF/F/H community is trying to include writers who aren't white, straight and male (and there are bloody incredible writers out there who aren't, and who demand to be read.) DAR has now stepped down from the position, and I think this was probably the right thing to do under the circumstances. Simon Dewar has more here.

However, this was (for lack of a better term) Rileygate 2.

Rileygate 1 came along last year, when DAR was to have co-edited Weirdbook with Douglas Draa; an online campaign blew up, principally led by Scott Nicolay. DAR quickly stepped down, but the campaigners then switched their attention to anyone still associated with DAR in any way, shape or form. Paul St John Mackintosh's article gives some further details.

Those still friends with DAR on Facebook were pressured to drop him; there were calls for him to be banned from conventions (even though he's been attending them for decades without incident), ejected from fan organisations (even though he'd done nothing to breach their rules) and it was implied that publishers should not publish his fiction (even though his fiction does not express racist views.)

If DAR harassed or abused people at cons or used his position in fan organisations, I'd be the first to call for his expulsion/banning. But he hasn't. If his fiction spewed racial hatred - well, I doubt most editors would handle it anyway. There comes a point where a kid has to be allowed to play in the sandpit, whatever you think of him. No-one's saying you have to play with him.

There was also an elephant in the room.

One of the prime movers behind exposing Riley - this year and last year - is an individual with a personal grudge against him, because he gave one of her books a bad review. This individual framed the review as bullying, a personal attack brought on out of prejudice; unfortunately, they have a history of doing so with negative comments on their work.

That's well-known on the UK horror scene; less so outside it, and the individual concerned is now widely regarded in the US as a champion of social justice.

The reason I'm mentioning all this is because during Rileygate 1, British horror authors in general were accused (repeatedly) of 'defending racism and fascism' and during Rileygate 2, claims were repeated that 'the Brits had ganged up' against those who spoke the truth.

It's not true.

I do not, never have, never will, defend racism or fascism. Pretty much everything I've ever said and written comes out of foursquare opposition to both. (There isn't really much more I can say than that; I'm painfully aware I'm one of a group of people (British horror writers) who are collectively regarded in some quarters as being in bed with the far-right, so a number of people out there are probably already discounting every word I say on this subject. I can't do much about that.)

But you DON'T get to tell me, or others, who we can and can't associate with, much less accuse us of sharing their views. I have Christian friends, conservative friends, Muslim friends, Jewish friends, liberal friends, anarchist friends... I could go on, but the bottom line is I can associate with whomever I damn well please without necessarily agreeing with them or endorsing/condoning their views. To assert otherwise is to assert guilt by association - not only a logical fallacy, but a favoured tactic, to anyone who ever read a history book, of totalitarian regimes (of all political persuasions.) 

Another reason I'm mentioning this is that I and Gary Fry were recently accused of bullying this person when she posted comments about 'the Brits ganging up' on a third party's Facebook thread (in reference to Rileygate 1.) I took issue with the comment. As did Gary. The thread was rapidly deleted, the incident was described as 'an attempt at bullying' and Gary and I were both blocked by the third party. 

Phew. Pause for breath.

Right on the heels of that, of course, came another controversy, this time surrounded Dark Regions Press editor R.J. Cavender/Randy Joe Huff. Not only long-standing issues of editing work paid for and not done, but allegations of sexual harassment and assault, and of enabling it in another case. Again, Simon Dewar offers considerably more detail here. 

I've heard a lot of reports of harassment at cons in the US in recent years; I don't know how big an issue it is on the UK scene - I really want to believe it isn't much of one - but this comment by Graeme Reynolds caught my eye:

There is not a great deal I can do about this apart from say to my female friends that if you are ever at a convention where I am and something like this happens, then come get me (I am usually in the bar) and I will put the offenders head through the nearest wall. In the meantime I will be boycotting any press that continues to have an association with this fucking predator.

Of course, Graeme's a big guy, and ex-military, who's more than capable of hammering some nasty piece of work where necessary. Sort of a good-natured Geordie Chewbacca. :) In terms of physique, I'm closer to BB-8, but I can only reiterate the general sentiment: if you're at a con that I'm attending and something like that happens, please come and find me. I will do whatever I can to help. That kind of behaviour has no place at a convention. Or anywhere else, come to think of it.

This week also saw the deaths of two highly talented and creative individuals. I wasn't a huge Prince fan, although it would be impossible not to respect his work. But the death that saddened me most was that of the writer, actress and comedian Victoria Wood.

I grew up watching her show: she was, beyond doubt, one of the funniest women ever to draw breath. Keenly observed, hilariously funny, but never cruel. There are any number of screamingly funny monologues, sketches and songs that she penned, but this one is a particular popular favourite. So here it is.

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