Points I've Pondered

In my sick little mind, I've been coming to grips with who I'm becoming. It seems that metaphors are popping up all over.

I find that I think of myself as hard on the outside and soft on the inside. By this, I mean that I tend to show a tough exterior because I don't want to allow others to see how truly vulnerable I am. I have a hard time sharing my own emotions, but an easy time trying to help others feel better about themselves. This goes along with my need to please others instead of myself.

The reverse is true also of my physical self. I'm soft on the outside, but tough on the inside. Thank you extra skin! I've been working so hard to try and undo the damage that I've done to my body for 30+ years. I compared myself to a lawn chair this morning. When you sit on them, the straps stretch and sometimes never go back to their original shape. Especially if someone really fat is sitting in that chair.

I realize that extra skin is better than fat. I KNOW this. It's just hard to compartmentalize the fact that no matter what you do, surgery or not, your body will never, EVER, be the same as it was at 18. The stress that two babies and 200 extra pounds does to one's body is incomprehensible. I need to stress again that I know I really don't have skin issues as bad as most people who've lost as much weight as I have. I have to remind myself that in clothes, I don't look half bad. Now if I could just convince my brain of this.

Mr. Sign and I have been doing some heavy tête-à-têtes lately. He is concerned that I'm losing too much weight. He's not the first person that has said that. I need to realize that without all the skin, I'm really probably at a good weight for me. My current weight with the skin is less than I weighed in high school.

I had to ask Mr. Sign if he was really concerned for my health, or for the fact that people notice me now. I believe it may be a little of both.

I do have some issues right now with hair loss and dark circles under my eyes, both of which are symptoms of malnutrition. This is my third go round with hair loss. I've even been accused of being either bulimic or anorexic. I assure everyone, that neither is true. I keep strict track of what I eat, every single day. I know that if I don't, the weight will easily fly back on with a vengeance.

It's hard living life now under the microscope. I know that people were watching what I ate before I had weight loss surgery, but now, jeez! People seem to be enthralled with what and how I eat. Why they care is beyond me. I feel like the circus came to town and I'm the main attraction. "Look, Johnny! She's eating chili. How many crackers did she put in there?" Argh!!

It's my life and I'm just trying to make it work for me.

Skin Issues

Herein lies my biggest issue of the moment:

My girl, Kimmy K, tagged me with this meme. I thoroughly enjoyed her answers,so I obliged her with mine.

Here's the rules: (because yes, there are always rules!)
Instructions: List seven songs you are into right now. No matter what the genre, whether they have words, or even if they're not any good, but they must be songs you're really enjoying now, shaping your spring summer. Post these instructions in your blog along with your seven songs. Then tag seven other people to see what they're listening to.

Breathe-Telepopmusik-
I've been into this song since it came out in 2001. It's one of those that makes me feel like I'm flying. I became addicted to it when I was racing through Chicago by train with the world whizzing by me. Strangely, I had never seen this video. It only makes me like it more.

Close Your Eyes-The Chemical Brothers-This song puts me in a trance.

Hello Bonjour - Michael Franti and Spearhead- A fun little ditty about people getting along in the world, set to a reggae beat.

The Dance Electric-Andre Cymone-This song was a favorite of mine in the 80's during my Prince obsessed youth. Prince wrote this song and now, watching the video, I'm not sure that it wasn't Prince singing it. I recently loaded this on my phone/mp3 and bounce around to it.

Dangerous-Kardinal Offishall featuring Akon-Any song that talks about being a big dog trying to get her little kitty to purr is a'ight with me. Makes my booty shake no matter where I am.

Who Made Who-AC/DC-This is the most underrated AC/DC song, in my opinion. I first heard it in the movie Maximum Overdrive with Emilio Estevez (wiggles eyebrows).

Cry For You-September-This song sums up exactly how I feel about people who didn't care about me when I was fat.

So there you have my eclectic mix of music that I love to move to. I listen to these songs every day when I do my 4 mile walk. They keep me moving.

So now I gotta tag se7en other people...oh, hells bells, I hate to make people feel like they have to do something. If you want to do it, let me know in the comments so I can read yours.

1.5

I'm on my way to a girls' weekend out. I plan on partying until the cows come home.

Au Revoir To HNT

I'm giving a great sigh of relief since I decided not to post Half Nekkid Thursday posts anymore. Honestly, I felt like I had nothing more to give this community. It was wicked fun in the old days but I feel that I've outgrown this phenomenon.

I gained so much self confidence from posting pictures of myself and reading the positive feedback. HNT taught me to love my body when it wasn't very lovable. Even when I weighed almost 400 pounds, I was made to feel like part of me was attractive. I also learned that I love to look at beautiful artistic pictures of "real" people.

Yesterday I had an interesting experience. I was putting lettering on a window on Main St. in the town I grew up in. A guy walked up and it took me a minute to figure out who he was. He's the father of a woman that I was best friends with growing up. I spent a lot of time growing up at his house.

This guy was a total jerk to me as an adolescent. I was never fat growing up, but I wasn't slim either. His nickname for me was Chubbo. He never referred to me as anything other than that. After a while, I started to believe him. He really helped to set in my mind, the way I saw and felt about myself for the rest of my life. So, even though I wasn't that fat, I believed him that I was.

Back to my story. So, we are chatting on Main Street and he tells me that he saw my YouTube Pants video. He proceeded to remark about how huge my pants were. The creepiest part was when he said he had seen the rest of my pictures which I took to mean my HNT pictures.

I cannot tell you how skeezed out I felt knowing that this idiot had viewed something I feel so vulnerable about. I decided to hide all of my more risque pictures.

The best part of this story is that my friend's dad is now suffering from obesity. Karma rocks!

I had already decided not to participate in HNT before this incident, but this just drove the point home that it was time to say goodbye. Thank you all for your encouraging comments at a time that I really needed them.

Amazing Pants

Here is a view of how huge my clothes used to be.

Flash 55, Take 15

Tonight was the night!

She walked into the room and knew
she exuded self confidence like she
never had before.

There was so much for her to be appreciative of,
including her healthy intelligent children
and loving spouse.

She held her breath as she walked in under the
sign that read, WELCOME, CLASS OF 1987.


If you are interested in attempting to write a 55, you can visit here. If you do one, go tell Susie that you did.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The trend I've noticed regarding my weight loss, is that I go three weeks teetering back and forth 2 pounds and on the 4th week, I will drop 5-7 pounds. It's frustrating, but I'm so thankful I'm still losing.

I've been getting out much more lately. I don't give myself the chance to be lazy and stay in like a hermit. Because of this extra exposure, I've been forced to notice that I'm getting a lot of attention. Not just from people who knew me when I was at my heaviest, but from people in general who don't know that I used to be super morbidly obese.

I've spent most of my life blending in, praying that people would ignore my weight. The confidence I've gained now has allowed me to look around my surroundings and see what others are looking at. I'm amazed as I meet their stare and am met not with looks of disgust, but genuine smiles.

It's still hard for me to remember that I'm not huge anymore. It seems foreign to hold my head high and look people straight in the eye.

I'm having a bit of a harder time in regards to people that did know me at 384 pounds and their reactions. It sounds strange, but I'm a little put off by some of their comments. I'm learning to accept a nice compliment, but I feel weird when people go on and on like I'm not even there. A person the other day said in front of a group, "Isn't she just gorgeous? Look at her beautiful glowing skin. Isn't she just amazing?" It was just plain creepy feeling to sit there while someone talked about me like I wasn't there. It was even weirder because I had just had the conversation with my step dad about how the weight loss thing is easy right now because I have support, but what's going to happen when people stop making comments?

I don't even know who I am in pictures sometimes. This picture was one of them. I don't recognize myself.

I guess I'll have to work extra hard now and accept the compliments and keep them in my memory for a later time.

P.S. Not one person, out of 150 people clicked the link on my HNT yesterday to see my newest YouTube video from this past weekend. So disappointed...

Michigan Blogger HNT

A few weeks ago, several of the Michigan Bloggers got together to welcome Lime into our state, although it was only a 2 hour layover. This is what ensued:

Happy Half Nekkid Thursday!!

Go see the King.

911 Is A Joke In Your Town

Tonight, I was on my way home heading off the freeway. I was stopped at a light and could see a man walking in the lane I was driving in. When the light changed, I couldn't get into the other lane to avoid the man who was now barely able to walk. He was bobbing and weaving. I had to stop completely so I didn't hit him.

The man, a young Asian with silver front teeth, continued to walk toward my stopped car. He ended up laying across the front of my hood. It looked like I had hit him. Luckily, there were witnesses to prove I didn't.

By this time, I was on the phone to 911. Two men stopped and helped get the guy off my car, but the man was on the pavement in front of it so I couldn't leave. An off duty paramedic stopped and tried to pull the guy over to the side of the road.


I had the presence of mind to take a picture with my phone. The things I do to entertain you guys! The paramedic is dragging the man by the back of his pants.




The man got belligerent so the men had to hold him down. He gave some sob story about fighting with a girlfriend and that he was going to hitchhike somewhere (I could barely understand him since he was speaking a combination of languages).

This picture is bad because one of the two guys that was helping wouldn't move. I was trying to be inconspicuous with my picture taking but people were starting to stare at me for being rude.




Finally, ten minutes later, the police arrived with a fire truck not far behind. For some stupid reason, our great city always sends a fire truck to all calls. Not a paramedics truck, a full sized fire truck. I guess they could have hosed the guy down.

The policeman asked me to move my car since it was blocking traffic. I asked him if I needed to give a statement and he told me no so I motored out of that fiasco.

And how was your day?

SignGurl Speaks