In Praise of Free Time

...and Facebook doesn't count as free time.

Out of less than sixty e-mails in my inbox*, there are still a few articles at the bottom of my inbox from years ago that I saved for some future thought, blog post, or whatever. Two years ago today, my mother sent my sister-in-law and myself a great piece by Dilbert creator Scott Adams on "The Benefits of Boredom". In the piece, Adams argues that boredom is a necessary precursor for creativity, and that modern technology's constant interactivity negatively impacts our creative minds by not allowing us the time to enjoy true boredom. It's interesting, funny, and also a little sad.

Our kids, thank God, are extremely creative. That said, they're also kids. They get bored. When they're bored, they get annoyed. They want to watch TV (ugh) or want us to think of ideas for them. But when we refuse and tell them to use their imagination, they (often, not always) do - and it's incredible to see what they come up with. The past month or so, for the first time since we were first married (??), both Serach and I were home for extended hours every day - and it wasn't because we were unemployed when we didn't want to be. Serach wasn't working this summer as we adjust to Cleveland, and I was unassigned. While we were still quite busy for the most part between the move, unpacking, settling in, and getting all the little things done that go into living in a new state, we also got to take the kids out and have some fun - and we got to stay home, let the kids get bored, and watch them be creative.

Earlier today, Serach suggested that since I begin work at a client tomorrow, perhaps we should take the kids out to go do something. It didn't work out for other reasons, but part of me couldn't help but feel that it was more desirable to do absolutely nothing. For weeks, I had been able to on occasion do absolutely nothing - and it was liberating. My mind was able to be somewhat at ease, a feeling not felt in years. One Shabbos afternoon recently I took Kayla (5) to the playground, and at one point since the playground was nearly empty, I took the swing next to her and started to swing back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. It was exhilarating. Not because of the swinging, though that was great; but because when you're swinging fast enough, the world around you is really moving too quickly for your senses to take in fully without getting dizzy, so either you can try and concentrate on something - or you can just zone out and let your mind go. I chose the latter.

A few people asked me recently if I was 'itching' to get back to work, and I answered that I was - while it was great to have the time to unpack and settle in, at some point most people wish to contribute and not simply be on the sidelines. At the same time, I also couldn't help but appreciate the need for more free time; time to sit back, relax, and let my mind wander.

Hopefully now we will be able to have both.


* I am a "zero inbox" person who also never really deletes emails, but instead archives them. On Gmail, this means that every email or conversation is stored should there ever be a desire or need to find it. This also means that I use my inbox as a storage place for items that need to be returned to - if it's still non archived, an email is likely either a bill, an email that needs a reply, a task that needs to be completed, or an article I'm saving for some reason.

Learning Strength

הוא היה אומר: בן חמש שנים למקרא; בן עשר למשנה; בן שלוש עשרה למצות; בן חמש עשרה לתלמוד; בן שמונה עשרה לחופה; בן עשרים לרדוף; בן שלושים לכוח; בן ארבעים לבינה; בן חמישים לעצה; בן שישים לזקנה; בן שבעים לשיבה; בן שמונים לגבורה; בן תשעים לשוח; בן מאה כאלו מת ועבר ובטל מן העולם. 

My family and some friends know that when it's their birthdays, I often have fun by using whatever number it is to make them feel a little... well, older. For example, when a friend turned 27, I said "Happy 1/3 to 81!" Or when I turned 29 last year, my brother (who is exactly eight and a half years older) turned 37-1/2, so I wished him a happy halfway to 75. Who doesn't love a little mortality?

Later this week, I'll be turning 30. While the math for thirty is definitely easy to have fun with (downhill to sixty, in the middle third toward ninety, a quarter of the way to 120...), I recalled the above mishna in Pirkei Avos and wondered about it. What does koach mean? Koach is not the same as gevurah, but is it so different that it is not until eighty years old that a person achieves gevurah? Looking around a bit, there simply is not a lot written about thirty. Ten to mishna, fifteen to Talmud? Plenty on those. Eighteen to chuppah - sure, there's tons of discussion on that one. Forty to understanding? Yup, lots on that one. But thirty? This is the most to be found, and it's somewhat depressing even when trying to view it positively: 

Thirty is for strength. It the age at which a man's strength is at its peak -- both physically and emotionally. At that age, we see our lives ahead of us, and we feel up to its challenges. We can still solve the world's problems -- not to mention our own.

Well, that part resonates, but it's immediately followed by this:

By forty and the later years, our vigor -- as well as our outlook -- is older and wiser. We've experienced the difficulties of life (beginning of course with teenage children) and recognize the intractability of human nature and of life's problems. As the decades progress -- in ever faster procession -- our physical will and desires fade, and -- to end on a poignant note -- we truly understand life only when we no longer have the strength to live it nor the years to take advantage of it. (And the next generation is not about to listen to our sage advice either. They're still exhausting all the alternatives.)

"It's all downhill from here, boys!" Even when trying to say "No, no - I'll be different. I'm going to keep trying to make an impact", the other part of your brain says, "Pffft. That's the 30-year old in you. That'll pass soon."

But a part of me refuses to give in to this idea, and instead, chooses to understand this idea of koach in a positive way, one which also leads me to read the mishna in a different way. The mishna is somewhat vague and simply lists ages and what they are for, but most discussions change how each line is interpreted - the first lines are what one should learn, but later it is what traits a person acquires. What if instead each line is about what one should be learning at that stage of his life?

• At five years - learn mikrah; understand where we come from and who we are.
• At ten years - learn mishna; understand there is more to our tradition than what is written; there is also what we pass down from generation to generation.
• At thirteen years - learn the mitzvos; understand your responsibilities both positively and negatively in this world.
• At fifteen years - learn Talmud; understand that nothing is cut and dry; there needs to be thought, logic, discussion, and not everyone will always agree, though decisions must sometimes be made.*
• At eighteen years - learn marriage. Learn how to interact and communicate properly, learn how to listen, learn how to treat someone, learn how to be responsible... geez, just learn everything. 
• At twenty years - learn pursuit. Learn to work hard, whether at (especially at) one's career, one's marriage, raising children... pursuing children! It is the pursuit of one's goals - or goals together with a spouse - that are key to present survival and future success, especially as life throws its curve balls.

At thirty years, learn strength. I'm still learning this, and surely there is yet a lot to learn. To start, though - at least to me - perhaps as one starts to clear the hurdles of their twenties, and now has that ability to begin being strong, this is a reminder to use that strength properly. There are times to apply step forward and apply strength; and there are times when being strong means doing nothing. There are causes that need one's koach behind them; there are situations where people need you to have koach for them; and there are situations where perhaps you just need to find that koach for yourself. In all of these, understanding how to apply this koach appropriately is essential.

...

As I'm writing this, so much of what has occurred in our own lives over the last few months has become much clearer. Certainly we have needed - and expended - an incredible amount of koach, both for happy times and sad, for good causes and for troubling times... koach that even as little as one or two years ago we simply did not have. 

May we all learn what we need to in life at the appropriate times; and perhaps it is worthwhile to use the wisdom of this mishna in Pirkei Avos as a guide in helping us to do so. 

* A very apropos and related discussion written years ago by Nephtuli T. on this both as it pertains to belief and to halacha is here; in particular, this portion is worth noting as it relates to the above line: "Halacha isn't about searching for truth and is determined by the majority. Once the majority decides a question, the "right answer" is that decision. There is no ontological gap between the decision of the majority and the correct answer."

Standards

In the previous post, Walking Away from Judaism, many of the commenters took the post to be about Judaism's own standards, and began heated debates on the subject. While interesting, it was not the focal point of the post, nor was it what was being driven at. 

Growing up, I was always told that Jews were honest, good people. I was told this by Jews, but I was also told this by gentiles. They trusted the Jews, because we were trustworthy, and we were honest. We would treat them fairly and treat one another fairly. This was still true as I got older, too - it was the Jews who would tell cashiers if they were given too much change, it was the Jews who would go out of their way to help others - whether the person being helped was Jewish or not.

Today... this is simply not the view. When numerous people were defending criminals in the Orthodox community in a situation I was directly impacted by, it was the gentiles who had lost tens of thousands of dollars from those criminals who were the biggest menschen about it. Others have told us similar stories of Jews acting horribly, while the non-Jews involved performed well beyond the call of duty. The gentiles in the first story not only were incredibly kind and pleasant, meeting up with some of us afterward and being genuinely great people, but they even went beyond and tried to help a couple people who were struggling to find something to get a job. Meanwhile, in the community, people told those struggling that they should be thankful a criminal gave them a job for a year. Another friend was upended from a teaching job in a Jewish day school where he was performing wonderfully, because an administrator was rubbed the wrong way. Another administrator said it wasn't right, that he would fight for him... so the school held his own job over his head. He kept quiet. The only one to speak up? The non-Jewish general studies teacher who worked with him, who wrote a glowing recommendation, noting that what was being done was just wrong.

What happened? When did our community become so... horrible? We used to have standards of decency; expectations of how people act, a dedication to honesty and integrity, and an understanding of what the best way of doing things was. Now, we have nothing - no standards, no expectations, no honesty, and certainly no good approach of how to do things. We cannot continue in the direction we are going, or there will be nothing left worth salvaging. When, indeed, did we become so horrible? And, more importantly, what can we do about it?

I don't have a solution. But it certainly needs to start from within - we need to care about our standards. We need to care when people don't live up to them. People can't simply ignore the negative issues that surround them constantly. The more people speak up about the little things, the more it may begin to have an impact on all issues. It's time to start living up to our own standards.

Walking Away From Judaism

The last few months - perhaps years, but in particular the recent months - have been very trying for the average Orthodox Jew. Depending on one's views, a person may have spent the recent months justifying the massive expense for a gathering about an undoubtedly serious issue, defending the views expressed at said gathering and/or reconciling them with other serious conflicts, commenting on the sad article by a divorced man and his ex-wife whose dedication to his learning over working ultimately led to their divorce, and perhaps defending the stance of a major Jewish organization regarding how they feel molestation accusations should be handled - or criticizing all of the above. Or, perhaps some balance of both. No matter what one's opinions, there is no way to get around that these are the major topics of discussion in today's Orthodox world, and to argue any of these points is difficult, tiring, and perhaps most of all, depressing.

My mother was in a few months ago to visit my grandparents, and we discussed briefly how some Rabbonim feel that molestation cases should first be reported to Rabbonim before seeking out the secular authorities. My mother (who is a ba'alas teshuva from the 60's) was moderately aghast, and said something along the lines of "If a Rabbi would get up and say to me that I should report my kid being molested to him instead of the police, I'd hang my hat on the whole religion and walk away." I didn't have the heart to note that it was the spokesperson of one of the largest Orthodox organizations, the Agudah, which made this statement as an official Agudah edict, though she will upon reading this piece.

Her comment, however, makes a person wonder: Why, indeed, are we still clinging to Judaism?

A friend commented recently that she hates it when people say not to judge Judaism by the Jews: "A huge part of Orthodox life is the society we create around ourselves. We are meant to be part of the community." As such, it is impossible to just ignore everything that goes on and pretend as if it doesn't exist, as if it doesn't affect our day-to-day lives. Our children's schools are shaped by these issues, our home lives are shaped by them, and each of these issues ultimately shape how our communities are structured and how we interact with one another and with the world at large. Molestation is not merely an issue of children being horribly abused; it is an issue of what our priorities are as a community vis-a-vis interaction with secular authorities, how to balance protection of children from a suspected molester with the protection of adults from false accusations, how we weigh status, how we interact with our own communities, how we view someone who has committed horrible acts in the past moving forward, and how we view safety in general.

It is not enough to say that we should concentrate on worrying about ourselves while ignoring the actions of others. While understandable as an individual viewpoint, this passive approach has been a quiet failure for the Jewish community as a whole, as the actions of others do affect us. When a molester is protected for whatever sake, what does that show about how we value life, innocence, and our children? When dishonesty and theft are ignored, their actors praised - even at supposedly 'insignificant' levels - what message does that send to the hard-working majority, or to the next generation? When people hear about the latest wrong and simply shrug their shoulders, resigned to the idea that "well that's how it goes", without making a conscious effort to avoid patronizing, socializing, and rewarding those who act contrary to what is right, what does it say about us as a community?

What does it say about us as a people, as a religion, when we seem to spend more time justifying all we do that is wrong than being able to point to anything we do that is right?

It is easy to say that it is Elul, and a perfect time for a plea for action. But we shouldn't need Elul to wake up to what we're doing, to see where this is heading! We shouldn't need a special reason or push to do what we're supposed to be doing already. It's appalling that we don't speak out against all the issues that plague us as a community. It's despicable that we shrug off dishonesty like it's common, even if it is - especially if it is! - and it's pathetic that we still have sizable groups in the community who defend molesters; who don't care how they get something so long as it's a good deal for them, or who don't care about how a store acts or how a person made their money; and though we're decades into discussing the subject, who don't understand why so many kids are running off the derech. Maybe if we turned our backs on the people doing wrong, instead of on those trying to do what's right, we'll find that our community returns to one of happiness, of greatness, and of Godliness. Let's get it together for the simple reason that that's what we're supposed to do.

Otherwise, what are we clinging to?

Taking Responsibility

I was driving across the Whitestone Bridge last week, and traffic was slowing to a crawl for a moment thanks to some construction work on the Bridge. As my car is stopping, I suddenly get thrust forward then pulled back by my seatbelt as the car behind me thuds right into me. I breathe for a few seconds, then put the car in park, put on the flashers, and sit for about 30 seconds to assess how hard I was hit before moving - then, after determining I'm fine and that the hit was likely at about 20mph or less, I slowly get out of the car and walk toward the back. At first, seeing the lady behind me just sitting in her car is disconcerting - why isn't she getting out? But about a second or two later, after a sigh, she opens her door and comes over.

As I begin surveying the damage - there's clearly something cracked off on the back, but for the most part the car looks like it wasn't hit too badly - the lady says to me "Hey - I'm sorry. My foot slipped off the brake for a second. It was all my fault." While obviously still not thrilled with having been rear-ended, at least I knew that she wasn't going to deny what happened. After another minute or two of looking at the damage and realizing it wasn't too bad, she offered to pay for any damage. I noted that I'd have to take it to my mechanic, and asked for her number, then to be safe had her call me instead from her phone and give me her full name - all of which she acquiesced to, after a moment's hesitation.

A couple of days later, I texted her that I was at the mechanic, and once I found out the cost, I texted her that as well. At first, she didn't reply. After a few hours of waiting, I began getting nervous (though at least the damage was not extensive or expensive) - but then she texted back, sending she would send out the money shortly via Chase's QuickPay system as I'd requested. Okay, great... but then no money came that day, making me wonder once again. The next morning, though, she texted again apologizing for the delay, and sent the funds over, with the following message:

"Again, thank you so much for being cordial... thanks."

I replied simply that I'd received the funds, and more importantly, "Thanks for taking responsibility."

She then replied,

"No problem... when I'm wrong I'm wrong... just glad you were very nice about the whole situation."

To which I finished simply:

"It's easy when the person accepts responsibility. :) Thanks again!"

So much of our lives are dictated by responsibilities. Those who act responsibly are respected, admired, and appreciated. Those who act irresponsibly are disliked, avoided, and shunned. Those who take responsibility for their mistakes are forgiven; those who shirk responsibility are detested.

Why is it that so many parents and kids, siblings, friends, or spouses fight even after one has apologized? Because that apology doesn't come with full responsibility: "I'm sorry for X, but if you/he/she hadn't done Y/but you do Z/I just couldn't ABC..."

It is difficult to get upset, and certainly hard to remain upset, at someone who has taken responsibility for their actions. While certainly in the moment there might still be what to be frustrated with, and the first reaction might still be harsh and angry or hurt or upset, the most important point to keep in mind is that there is nothing more the person could do to undo their error. They've acknowledged their error, they have apologized sincerely, and they are accepting whatever responsibilities they need to to help remedy their mistake. Sadly, this sense of responsibility does not seem as strong in today's times, but perhaps this is an area that can change as time passes.

May we all take proper responsibility for our actions - good or bad.

Maybe, Redux

After this recent post, I received a number of comments and emails, including from some family members, which were all quite nice and appreciated. They also led me to believe that my point in the post had been misunderstood, but that is all right - sometimes misunderstandings help remind us of so much.

In a surprisingly common occurrence, one family member e-mailed with something that I once said to them:

"...Remember years ago when you spoke about Hashem testing those He loves, and you said something to the effect of 'Well, He must not love me very much...'..."

Heh. The thought that came to mind shortly after reading this was "...squeezing a bit too hard with this hug, God!" Kidding aside, it is an important idea to remember - when life is easy, we tend not to appreciate it enough; and when it's too hard, we "appreciate" it too much. 

My point in the previous post was never to compare to others, but to what might have been for ourselves under difference circumstances (with various portions of others' lives serving as reminders of what we did not have - regardless of what we may have had that they did not). While a pointless exercise from a life standpoint, as one can never re-live their lives differently, and attempts to recapture 'missing' portions of life is futility, it does have its positives as well. Looking back can help remind someone of ideals and pursuits they feel to be important that perhaps they've lost sight of, and it often helps one appreciate just how much they have learned and grown from their own experiences, however difficult. 

Do I wish certain portions of our lives had played out far differently? Certainly. Would I trade what actually happened for a different life? Certainly not.

The story in the prior post truly says it best: 

Once upon a time there was a Chinese farmer whose horse ran away, and all the neighbors came around to commiserate that evening. "So sorry to hear your horse ran away. This is most unfortunate." The farmer said, "Maybe." The next day the horse came back bringing seven wild horses with it, and everybody came back in the evening and said "Oh, isn't that lucky. What a great turn of events. You now have eight horses!" And he said "Maybe." The next day his son tried to break one of these horses and ride it but he was thrown, and broke his leg, and they all said, "Oh dear, that's too bad," and he said, "Maybe." The following day the conscription officers came around to conscript people into the army and they rejected his son because he had a broken leg. Again all the people came around and said, "Isn't that great!" And he said, "Maybe."

Right now, I can also see how we could look at it all and say "Wow, that's terrible" - and that would be true. I can also see how in a few years, I'll look back at the previous years and see how without it all, we wouldn't be where we are, and how lucky we are that it happened as it all did, and how we could all remark "Isn't it great?!" - and that, too, is true.

We need the rough times to appreciate the good ones; and we need the good ones to survive the rough ones. This does not mean that we cannot or should not lament the rough nor enjoy the good. Instead, we should lament, yet learn; rejoice, and appreciate.

Maybe

Via the cuz: 

Once upon a time there was a Chinese farmer whose horse ran away, and all the neighbors came around to commiserate that evening. "So sorry to hear your horse ran away. This is most unfortunate." The farmer said, "Maybe." The next day the horse came back bringing seven wild horses with it, and everybody came back in the evening and said "Oh, isn't that lucky. What a great turn of events. You now have eight horses!" And he said "Maybe." The next day his son tried to break one of these horses and ride it but he was thrown, and broke his leg, and they all said, "Oh dear, that's too bad," and he said, "Maybe." The following day the conscription officers came around to conscript people into the army and they rejected his son because he had a broken leg. Again all the people came around and said, "Isn't that great!" And he said, "Maybe."

The last couple of years have been interesting ones for us, as many readers of this blog are well aware. 2010 started wonderfully, took not one but a number of sharp turns for the worst, before finally ending on a bad note. 2011 started on a bad note, the bad news piled on... and then everything started to change for the better, culminating in a bit of awesome near the end. 

I have always felt that everything happens for a reason - and that much of the time, it will be years before we can possibly understand what that reason was. 

At the moment, while there are still clouds that lurk over us from the past that it will take years to fully get away from, life seems overall rather bright and sunny - certainly, our lives (finally) seem to be headed in the right direction. It saddens me somewhat to know that I cannot fully shake the worry that yet another unforeseen occurrence, some new twist, will ruin it all, that I cannot simply enjoy life as it occurs and be completely optimistic about the future - that no matter what, I am compelled to feel only that "maybe" the positives will last. But despite this, I am optimistic overall, and hope that this path ahead of us is not just another "maybe" along the way. 

It is difficult to think about our lives and notice that others have had generally easier lives in many ways. Certainly nobody knows what truly goes on 'behind closed doors', nor does anybody know what everyone else's troubles are. Nevertheless, it is not difficult to have a general idea of what trials and tribulations people have or have not faced in their lives. It is not out of jealousy nor out of hate that I cannot help but wonder how life might have been had our lives been as easy-going as others have experienced. That said, I can't imagine having lived without learning all the lessons I have learned over these years. 

But I certainly wouldn't mind some easy time...

Boring

"Boring is the new exciting." ~ Cymbaline

When we're young, we often tend to love chaos. Chaos is exciting! Disorganization makes life interesting! Being all over the place is fun!

...and then, it gets tiring. A friend who was dating a few years back had what seemed to some people a very "boring" life: He would get up, go to work, come home, learn, watch some TV shows on his computer, travel to date sometimes... some people didn't understand it. "That seems so... dull." But he was happy. Some of those people had "exciting" lives, but they often were not.

Stability and predictability (in any aspect of life) are often the key to allowing people to adjust to difficult times. If life is chaotic, then everything that doesn't go perfectly can sends things into disarray. When everything is going smoothly, if something goes wrong, it's far easier to handle and fix. This is true at home, at work, in school, and in life.

Amen, Cymbaline.

Perspective

Via Princess D'Tiara, this video of Emmanuel Kelly auditioning for X Factor 2011 (Australia, I believe) is simply moving. I'm not sure who is more amazing; him, his brother, or his mom.

Somewhere in Between

I can't be

Losing sleep over this

No I can't

And now I cannot stop pacing

Give me a few hours

I'll have this all sorted out

If my mind would just stop racing 

Cause I cannot stand still

I can't be this unsturdy

This cannot be happening 

This is over my head

But underneath my feet

Cause by tomorrow morning I'll have this thing beat

And everything will be back to the way that it was 

I wish that it was just that easy

Cause I'm waiting for tonight

Been waiting for tomorrow

I'm somewhere in between

What is real and just a dream? 

~ Somewhere in Between by Lifehouse

I was sitting at this computer tonight, not quite ready to head to sleep, wanting to write... but not really sure what I wanted to write. I noticed that my Pandora was paused, so I hit play - and the above song started playing, and it was absolutely perfect.

Earlier today, a couple of good friends who are in town for Sukkos stopped by briefly to say hello, and one friend noted that the present time must be a nice feeling for me in a lot of ways: Thank God, some important aspects of life are looking up nicely, and before those "get going", I have a couple weeks to relax - particularly weeks that include Sukkos, which is always a really nice Yom Tov. I agreed (and do agree), but while this has been true for a few weeks now, there's this other feeling that comes along with it that's a bit weird: A feeling of being caught somewhere in between.

(I had written much more, but removed it.)

Suffice it to say that being somewhere in between is odd: It's hard, but it's not necessarily bad. As the song says, your mind is racing, but in circles. You feel unsturdy, but you feel that tomorrow you will be in far more control... probably. You've been waiting for so much, and prepared and worked hard for them, and now there's not much to do but wait - and then take it from there. Meanwhile, you just wait, knowing what's coming.

Here's to the future: May it be completely real, yet feel like a dream.

Life, Like History, Repeats Itself

One of the nice aspects of having had a blog for a number of years is the ability to look back and recall what was going on, what happened, and how we felt about everything through various periods. I was curious to read what I'd written in prior years around Yom Kippur, if anything, as I am aware of the near preachy tone that can come across in such posts. At the same time, there can often be much meaning, particularly to myself, knowing what was meant then and especially now looking back, being able to view it from the present.

When I glanced back, I was struck by how apropos is the (ironically titled) post Apropos & Thank You from just before Yom Kippur in 2008. Admittedly, this year was probably a bit more difficult than that one, for a variety of reasons beyond anyone's control or knowledge - and similarly, there was only so much anyone could have done for us even if they were aware of it all. But that does not take away from what was written then, which is just as applicable today:

On behalf of Serach and myself, we'd like to wish everyone a g'mar chasima tova and a wonderful year. We'd like to thank all those who made this past year as good as it was; it had the potential to be a very difficult year for us in many ways, yet every time that was the case something would happen, someone would help us out, in ways that we will never truly be able to express our gratitude for. Often, we hear and see an understandable and important emphasis and focus on the big issues, the large gestures, and the need to focus on one's own self first - and those certainly do usually come first. But those who can and have done the little things, who have taken care of small but important details, and perhaps without even realizing it have tremendously impacted people by their simple care and friendship, thank you. It was without a doubt the little things that have gotten us through these hard times.

Some of you know who you are. Some of you think you know but your humility won't let you admit it to yourselves. There are some who don't even realize what they do, as they take it as a given - or can't fathom how they have helped despite being so far away or having done "so little". And then there are those who think they may have helped in the past but that something has changed. We thank all of you the same from us, and knowing what kind of people you are, many others owe you similar thanks. We hope to be as good to all of you as you have been to us.

As an aside, a person who can take a step back and look at a bigger picture cannot help but see more behind what goes on in day-to-day life, from the positives to the negatives, from the human side to the spiritual side.

May we all be blessed with a year of health, happiness, and hatzlacha.

Amen.

It's Time

A couple of weeks ago, I was listening to a friend discuss some difficulties they were going through with someone they knew well. As we discussed the various issues, it dawned on me that so much of what I was saying could easily be extrapolated to my own situation as well. Yes, there were obvious differences, but at the same time, there were some eerie similarities. I've always found it interesting and obvious at the same time how it's so much easier to help 'solve' someone else's problem than solve your own, even if they are exactly the same.

Similarly, something my cousin wrote recently about therapy struck home as well. (And perhaps it was ironic that he was here to raise funding to start a yeshiva that would be all about working on one's self...) Sure, we all know everything comes back to what we decide to do, but at the end of the day, we wait for so much else to happen first that is completely not dependent on ourselves... and that's the error. Today, the friend followed up and noted that they had successfully ended their difficult relationship. In the context of the conversation, they expressed how it was freeing to not be leaning on someone anymore. While noting that there are times where it's okay and appropriate to lean on someone, I had to agree wholeheartedly - it's so important to be able to be self-reliant in most aspects of life.

Of course, that doesn't necessarily make it easy.

EZ Reads 6/3/11

Some thoughts going into Shabbos:

• Someone did a study of the 5 largest regrets people have on their deathbeds. It's an interesting read, if somewhat obvious. Excerpt:
  

  3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
  Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.
  We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.

• Another interesting piece, if only to the extent to which it's true: What we expect is what we get, to the point that people who were told their jobs are good exercise would lose weight, while those who weren't  told wouldn't. To me, this simply proves that mind truly is over matter to a large extent: You can control far more of your life if you simply decide to.
• An interesting aside from Mark Suster's excellent entrepreneurial blog Both Sides of the Table, discussing Peter Thiel's offer to find 20 bright young entrepreneurs to pay them to drop out of college and pursue their own companies. (Why couldn't anyone do this 8 years ago?!) Excerpt y'all may appreciate if you know me:

  I don’t give a s*** whether you were graduated from college or not. If you’re excellent at what you do (coding, sales, marketing, leadership) and you can demonstrate that, I really don’t care if you went to or dropped out of college. At least not as an entrepreneur. Others might care so you should take that into consideration. I personally don’t. And I can attest to this because one of my leading developers at both of my startups never finished college. It never affected him when it was time to check in his code and I’d hire him again in a second.

• Need some extra motivation? How about an alarm clock which shreds your money?
• Finally, a great marriage proposal using a graffiti mural, in time lapse.
  

The Best Comic (Ever?!)

I'm not the "wow this is the best stuff ever!" kind of person, but I love this strip by xkcd. Make sure to mouseover the image to see the other text.

If Only

We all experience frustrations at various points in our lives with 'getting over the hump'. For some people it's with their jobs, where they always feel like they're about to make a big leap, but instead they end up taking a small step, or none at all. For some it's with their finances, where they are about to start really cutting down their debt, or put away extra toward that house or retirement or vacation... but then they can't, not yet... maybe next month, or after that next thing is taken care of. For others it's with their ideas, their actions, what they're going to accomplish... anything.

To some, life is a series of "on the brinks". Many of us have friends who are continually talking about what they're going to do - what they are about to accomplish, what big break is just around the corner, what they've learned that will help them turn that corner and keep going. At first, we are often impressed by these people: He's really going to be something one day, we think. Or wow, we wish we could be so driven and focused.

After a time, we start to get a better sense of these people. Some truly do accomplish. Some have always been full of garbage. Some we slowly realize are just talkers: They are always "on the brink", but they're never really doing anything to get over it, as much as they claim they are. And some are in the middle, perhaps a break or two from really turning that corner, perhaps not - genuinely honest, good, motivated people who for whatever reason haven't yet been able to get over that hump.

Sometimes, though, you realize that it's not your friend, your acquaintance, your old classmate or co-worker who is on the brink - it's you. As with other people, this is exciting at first: You see that light ahead of you and it's finally within grasp. Sometimes, you reach that light. Sometimes, you don't. And sometimes, every time you feel like you're getting close, you turn the corner and realize it's still a little further away then you thought, and that can be incredibly draining. You may start to feel that you're turning into that person who will never quite break through, who will always struggle on all these fronts while knowing all along you could succeed, if only...

If only.

It's hard not to be frustrated when life always seems just out of reach. You take a look at what's happened, and try not to get to caught up on the past (if only...) while learning its lessons. You look at yourself to see what you can change (if only I...) and you analyze your situation to see what could be changed (if only...) and you listen to everyone else's advice (if only you...). What's worse, after all that is completed, you often find that you're right back where you started: The path you're on is the best one for you, and hopefully something will break the right way (if only it would) and you'll be fine, or better than fine - amazing, even.

Throughout all of it, and continually forward, you have to approach all this with an upbeat attitude, lest the worries consume you, or the debt overwhelm you, or the lack of success depress you, or the negative disposition make your boss or interviewer not like you or your friends pity you.

The trap people in this situation can fall into - besides the above - is to start looking for a shortcut (if only!). Yes - be creative. Yes - think outside the box. Yes - come up with alternative solutions. But often, once all those options have been attempted, discarded, or deemed to be infeasible for now, the most important quality is going to be resiliency. Know that the best way out, the best way forward, is going to be just pushing forward, slowly and steadily. We always say, and never listen, that "life ain't easy". It's not - life is difficult, and there will be difficult times. There's no magical "get out of debt free" or "find a job" or "suddenly learn an entirely new set of skills in a new field" and especially no "someone has given you $1,000,000!" card in real life. We sometimes do have to put in the time, the effort... and the wait. We sometimes do have to be patient, be resilient. And sometimes, that will be frustrating, and difficult, and depressing... but that is life, and that is how it goes, and that is something that will (hopefully) help you later on when you have overcome that brink - or even if, perhaps especially if, you don't.

If only we could always remember that.

...and, we're back!

Random pieces:

• I technically (b'ah) have still never broken a bone in my life, though I am now using crutches for the first time, I believe. I chipped a bone in my ankle playing basketball this week for the Lander Alumni team, right before the playoffs, of course... and possibly holding back the Lander Alumni Board from moving forward since I had to push back a meeting between myself and Touro's controller. Sigh.
• In related news, Percocet is way overrated, and did not help me whatsoever. It did however make me sick tonight.
• Not overrated: The HTC Thunderbolt or Verizon's 4G LTE network. I have a mini-computer in my hand, except it's more powerful than my desktop and faster than my cable internet, and with better apps. This thing literally saves me time (and often money) on a consistent basis.
• Any app recommendations from Android users? In other news, Google owns my life.
• The next two months will be rather crazy, with numerous friends, including some very close ones, moving. Some are moving rather close, while others are moving far... and others are moving far, far, far away. Usually change is more gradual unless you're the one moving. At the same time, many friends and family are having/have had babies, are getting engaged/married, and sadly a couple have seen their relationships/marriages hit a rough spot. Life, eh.
• My fantasy team has been decimated by injuries, so I decided to switch things up to have a shot by taking advantage of our 1,250 innings limit. My starters are now: Lincecum, Halladay, Kershaw, Jimenez, and CJ Wilson while I have Bell, Wilson, Feliz, E.Sanchez, and (DL) Aardsma as my closers (and Gregerson for some good innings). Then again, my lineup now is C Avila, 1B LaPorta, 2B Walker, 3B Gordon, SS A.Gonzalez, CI A.Huff, OF Brantley/Raj.Davis/C.Hart/A.Torres Util C J.Buck/1B B.Wallace (DL Utley/V.Wells). Figure if I can clinch top marks in the pitching categories, and get into good position in steals (now that Davis and Torres are back from the DL) and rebound a bit in average, I can flip the studs in late July/early August for some top power hitters, which combined with Utley and Hart (just off DL) could get me into the pack in R/HR/RBI/Avg - enough to have a shot to win.
• The Indians seem to be for real, what with a solid lineup, and a pitching staff that doesn't walk anyone while eliciting ground ball after ground ball. That's... odd.
• The Browns had a very good draft, the Cavs are hoping the ping-pong balls bounce their way... sports in Cleveland are looking... up?!
• Even when life isn't great, it's always nice to know it's (finally) heading in the right direction. Or at least, a better direction.

EZ Reads 4/12/11

Today was a good, busy day, with some exciting possibilities. This is opposed to my fantasy baseball team, which currently has a 1 in every hitting category, 5 guys on the DL (and another couple hurt), and is barely above the Mendoza line. Ugh.

• Scott Adams has a great piece in the Wall Street Journal on how to get a real education, with some fantastic, funny stories. Excerpt: (not the stories, read the whole article for those)
  

  Attract Luck. You can't manage luck directly, but you can manage your career in a way that makes it easier for luck to find you. To succeed, first you must do something. And if that doesn't work, which can be 90% of the time, do something else. Luck finds the doers. Readers of the Journal will find this point obvious. It's not obvious to a teenager.
  Conquer Fear. I took classes in public speaking in college and a few more during my corporate days. That training was marginally useful for learning how to mask nervousness in public. Then I took the Dale Carnegie course. It was life-changing. The Dale Carnegie method ignores speaking technique entirely and trains you instead to enjoy the experience of speaking to a crowd. Once you become relaxed in front of people, technique comes automatically. Over the years, I've given speeches to hundreds of audiences and enjoyed every minute on stage. But this isn't a plug for Dale Carnegie. The point is that people can be trained to replace fear and shyness with enthusiasm. Every entrepreneur can use that skill.
  Write Simply. I took a two-day class in business writing that taught me how to write direct sentences and to avoid extra words. Simplicity makes ideas powerful.

• On a related note, Lifehacker's piece on what lucky people do differently is entertaining and spot on. Ironically, despite being a rather large proponent of themes in both pieces, I've been rather unlucky in many ways, but I think those can be attributed to some really bad flukes (and people).
• Bad4Shidduchim on singles events dynamics.
• Interesting piece on Freakonomics discussing how fixing the typos and errors in online reviews boosts sales.
• A funny, clever video on Cross Currents called "Kiruv with Sechel" but which also is a great Pesach kashering primer.

Honesty and the Jewish Community IV: Seeing is Believing (and Ignorance is Bliss)

(continued from here - whole series is here)

Friends of ours once made a comment literally in passing, as we stopped to say hi to one another walking down the street, that has always stuck out. It was shortly after the Jewish Economics Survey was started the first time around, and was quite honest. Our friends commented that they had seen the survey, but they decided after starting it that they didn't really want to take it. When we asked why not, they responded that "We know that right now and for the foreseeable future, we are living way beyond our means. We'd rather not know exactly how bad it is or think about it too much, and just enjoy life and worry about it later when we can do something about it." To be fair, these friends are not blinding themselves - one is now a doctor, the spouse a professional as well - nor living fancily, and they simply wouldn't have had the ability to do too much about their finances for a while. But the attitude is a real one, albeit differing in scope from person to person.

Often in life, we tend to unconsciously (if not consciously) convince ourselves that things are better than they really are. Sometimes, this is a good trait: It allows us to be more optimistic about life, stay sane when times are rough, continue to function well on a daily basis until things really do get better, or maybe even just allow us to continue enjoying watching sports (last one may apply only to people from Cleveland). But it can also get us into trouble, by not letting us recognize problems quickly enough and allowing them to fester and grow until it's too late. People (usually) innately understand this to be true, which is why so much of life seems to be full of advice columns and tips and tricks which essentially are supposed to 'trick' us into thinking about things properly and doing what we're supposed to be doing.

The easiest way to avoid issues in life is to not see them - and the way to solve them, while difficult, is to open one's eyes and honestly assess what is happening. It's why Mint.com, the free personal finance site and (as many friends and readers know) a personal favorite, sold itself to Intuit for $170 million within a few years of its creation - its visual appeal made its popularity take off and they picked up millions of users in almost no time. One of its PR liaisons once explained the site was delaying putting out a Blackberry application due to its lack of visual appeal on the Blackberries out at that time, and how important the visual representations of spending were to the impact the site had on its users. A favorite story are couples who have stopped fighting about their expenses once they could see it all in front of them clearly, and started working to fix their budget. Without that "in front of your face" simple-to-understand representation, all the data in the world couldn't impact a user the same way.

We have so many issues in the Orthodox community, and yet we turn a blind eye so often to the wrongs the occur within it - from white collar criminals to shady business practices, from excusing horrible behavior and commentary to racism and the like, to the way people are treated as ba'alei teshuva/geirim or in the shidduchim process, to the (finally being discussed somewhat) cases of abuse, we let so much slide. Worse yet, we justify so much of it in the name of "the community" or as "necessary evils" to be put up with. As a simple example, this past week a suit needed to get dry-cleaned prior to an event, and Serach brought it to a nearby dry cleaner we have never used before that said they could get it done that day for a reasonable price. When I went to pick up the suit and pay via debit card, they said they couldn't take it for under $25 - and that since they don't advertise that they accept credit cards, they can refuse to take it. I pointed out that this was false, as per their cardmember agreement, and they said to report them but they will not give me the suit, and literally grabbed it away and took it to the back. (Ezzie: I actually did report them, but apparently in NY you can't report a dry cleaner - they have a specific exemption for dry cleaners that they won't take complaints. Odd.) What disgusted me the most was their argument: The owner said to me,

"I don't care what the rule is, I know I'm not supposed to, but (waving his arm motioning to the other stores nearby) every other store here does it, go ask them. They all won't take cards for under whatever, and I won't either accept credit cards for under $25."

Sadly, the thought that goes through the head of listeners to stories like this not automatically that this is a dishonest store not to be visited, but all too often instead that "I have to remember to bring cash when I go to that dry cleaner."

Until we as a community show that we will absolutely not accept dishonesty at any level, we are simply feeding its continuance and growth. Blissful ignorance may sometimes work for one's self, but it translates into and contributes to countless people being hurt, seeing their lives damaged if not destroyed, and placing many of them into truly dangerous situations. These are not merely the people we pass by on the street but don't really know, so we can pretend that it's "not so bad", but these are our colleagues and people in our shul, our neighbors and friends - people like us.

Or us, too.

(to be continued)

EZ Reads 4/2/11

• Austin Kleon: How to Steal Like an Artist (and 9 other things nobody told me). There are some really good points within.
• Hirhurim on R' Gedalia Dov Schwartz's pamphlet on converts to Judaism. Very interesting.
• More parents are at least considering public and charter schools in New Jersey.
• IsraellyCool analyzes the ridiculous Times op-ed by a Jewish couple about checkpoints in Israel, noting the history of attacks of soldiers at checkpoints including that very checkpoint, and showing that the time spent going through isn't much different than what a person may go through at airport security.
• Goldstone backs away from his now infamous Goldstone Report, which condemned Israel. Thanks, only two years too late to use common sense. Whatever, it's better than nothing.

Honesty and The Jewish Community III: Rabbi C.

(continued from here)

Back in high school, I can only recall three instances where I felt that lying might be the best course of action. In the first, I believe I or the friend I was with misled someone; in the second, I avoided the question; and in the third, I believe I told the truth. To this day, all three of the stories bother me for different reasons, but the important lessons actually come from the people who placed me in the situations by asking difficult questions.

WITS, my high school, has a number of interesting rules. Some people may accept these as baseline givens; others may think them strange if not outright crazy. A recent news story involving a basketball player at a religious university touches on what I believe to be an important point: Regardless of what one thinks of a set of rules, if a person accepts those rules upon themselves, then breaking those rules means accepting the consequences as well. In WITS, some rules included no talking to girls, no non-Jewish music and no headphones, no movies, and no sports betting or pools.

Being a relatively poor out-of-town kid in high school, extended off weekends where people could choose to go home if they wished often meant I was one of a handful of students who would remain in the school. This was actually awesome to those of us who stuck around - we had a lot of free time and freedom, we would make some really great food, and we would often go have fun we otherwise didn't have time to do, from playing golf at a local public par-3 course to attending Bucks and Brewers games. The longer weekends, though, could get pretty boring, and when I was a sophomore a junior friend asked me if I wanted to come with him to see a new movie, Enemy of the State, starring Will Smith. When we came back, one of the rebbeim was heading out from the campus and asked us where we'd been. On the way back we had stopped at OpenPantry (like 7/11), so my friend replied we were on the way back from there. The rebbe seemed skeptical, but simply noted that we are required to check out before going off-campus, which we apologized for.

A year and a half later, our principal Rabbi C. confronted me in the parking lot of the campus after asking me to walk him to his car. As any high school kid might be, I was a bit nervous. However, he asked me a very surprising question: "Are you aware of an NCAA pool in the yeshiva?" The evening before, a friend who often helped me run the annual underground pool had said "Ezzie, I think this year you should let a couple other people run the pool. The Rabbeim are certainly going to be on the lookout this year and the first person they're going to ask is you." [I had been previously shut down for running a pool.] We agreed that the others would run the pool, and I wouldn't be involved at all now that it was already set up. I replied to Rabbi C. that I was not running a pool this year. He then replied "I didn't ask if you were running a pool; I asked if you were aware of one." I again replied simply that I was not running one, and he did not press the point, letting me go.

About one year later, during my senior year, for whatever reason the Super Bowl (which until then had been shown at WITS albeit with no commercials) was not going to be shown - perhaps because of the way winter break worked out, I can't recall. I had a conversation with Rabbi C. about it, and was told essentially that it was not being shown despite the case I made for it, so I decided to watch it at a friend's house, who ironically was an employee of WITS. The next day, Rabbi C. called me in and told me that he was upset about what I did and I was to receive an in-house suspension - forced to remain in my room - until such time as I understood what I did wrong. The next day at lunch, I came down to speak to him and explained that while I believe I understood why he was so upset, I did not understand the extent of the punishment. He explained that he was dismayed that I had lied to him, and when I was taken aback, he said he had specifically told me during our conversation not to watch the game elsewhere and I had said I would not. I answered that I honestly did not recall such a statement and that I thought I had agreed not to press further that it would not be shown in the school, and he lifted the suspension. While he was certain he had said not to go elsewhere, he believed me that I had not recalled it and therefore it wasn't right to punish me further. (He also removed the grade losses I'd have incurred from the suspension, changing them to excused absences.)

In all three situations, and in other instances which occurred with friends throughout high school, the key was how our Rabbeim approached honesty and integrity. Generally, if a person was being asked about something that they may have done, it was with good reason. Yet unless there was specific evidence that showed someone was lying, students were taken at their word. It was up to us to be honest, not up to them, and if we made a statement, we were believed to be truthful about whatever it is we were saying. Perhaps more importantly, they never wanted us to lie or feel compelled to lie - they would rather stop a conversation than make it worse by forcing the student to lie to hide something or protect someone, at least in my experience.

Thinking back to and about WITS, one of the traits I find most interesting about both the Rabbeim and my friends who went there is how almost without exception they were - and are to this day - incredibly honest. There are certainly numerous reasons this may be true, particularly the incredible focus on mussar and the specific emphasis on avoiding rationalization of improper behavior. But this approach alone would not be enough: Seeing our Rabbeim living it day to day was by far the best example of all. For all the disagreements we may have had with them as immature or even as rarely correct high school kids, there was never a question as to the integrity of the Rabbeim, particularly our principal and rosh yeshiva Rabbi C. He felt and taught us that to succeed in life, we must be fully honest not only with others, but particularly with ourselves. Unless a person is honest with himself, he cannot be honest with his life or with others.

(to be continued)