House on Bare Mountain (1962)

Directors:  Lee Frost, Wes Bishop

Writer:  Denver Scott

Composer:  Pierre Martel

Starring:  Bob Cresse, Laine Carlin, Leticia Cooper, Laura Eden, Connie Hudson, Dan Hyland, William Kirk, Ingrid Lind, Virginia Mark, Ann Perry, Angela Webster, Warren Ames, Jeffrey Smithers, William Engesser

More info:  IMDb

Tagline:  See Frankenstein do the twist with Miss Hollywood!

Plot:  Granny Good runs a school for girls.  What they don't know is Granny has a 7'2" wolfman in the basement working her illegal still and the cops have planted one of their beautiful, busty officers in her school to find out more.



My rating:   5/10

Will I watch it again?   No.

Nudie Cuties are good for one thing only and that's for showing lots of naked women.  They're known for also being unfunny and badly acted.  Knowing these things going in helps a lot.  If you set your expectations in the basement, there's no where to go but up, right?  This one actually made me laugh out loud a little.  That's something positive to say.  And then I was struck by the quality of "acting" from the girls.  The guys are terrible but the girls do a great job.  Usually everyone in these kinds of pictures is pretty bad but there seemed to be more talent in these gals than what rests on their chests.  Talk about a refreshing change and I loved it for that!

At Grannie's school, we get to see the girls study...

Exercise - jumping rope is a favorite!

They study the arts!

And we get to study them studying the arts!  There's a lot of talent on display!!!

All of the gals are getting ready for the annual costume party and this young lady didn't spend much time on hers.

Granny scolded her for wearing so little so she returned fully costumed.

I know what you're thinkin', pal.

The jig is up, Granny!

She just finished memorizing the dictionary she started at the beginning of the movie.

The story is as simple and dumb as it needs to be and there are exactly the number of bare boobs there needs to be as well.   Trust me, I counted each and every one.  Despite this being only 62 minutes long, there is A TON of padding, mostly during the party scene where there's lots and lots of dancing footage.  That kind of thing is usually dull but it's mildly entertaining here because of the goofiness of it all and, uh, more boobs.  The monsters on the poster don't really figure into it except for Granny's 7'2" tall werewolf slaving away at the still.  He growls every once in a while and Granny interprets this to let us know he's complaining about getting .13 an hour and he wants to unionize.  It gets an earned laugh at the end when Granny thinks it's the law that shows up (which they do but that's another part of the story) when it turns out it's a union official investigating claims of poor working conditions.

Of particular note (mostly to me) is this is Lee Frost's second directorial gig.  His first, SURTIDE 77 (1962), is my favorite movie of his (so far).  It's hilarious and worth checking out.   It's also got Bob Cresse playing this same granny character, easily ripping off Jonathan Winters' similar character.  However, he is pretty good at it and manages to get a few laughs.

Frankenstein the Rapist (2008)

Director: Bill Zebub

Writer: Bill Zebub

Starring: T.J. Glenn, Nikki Sebastian, Andrea Szel, Sativa Verte

More info:  IMDb


Plot:  I think it's got something to do with Frankenstein's Monster raping lots of chicks but the movie doesn't get that across well.

My rating: 3/10

Will I watch it again?  No.

Have you ever wondered if you could get bored watching an 85 minute movie with 75 minutes of nudity?  I didn't either but there's a first time for everything I reckon.

Smiles, everyone, smiles!

50,000 B.C. (Before Clothing) (1963)

AKA: Nude on the Rocks

Director: William Rose

Writers: Arnold Drake, Herbert Lannard, William Rose

Composer: Martin Roman

Starring: Charlie Robinson, Irving Selig, Al Monaco, Dino Tarronova, Toni Monaco, Carl Shelton, Bebe Lent, Morton Taylor, Mila Milo, Gigi Darlene, Sherry Parker, Anita Ventura, Nikki North, Allura, Eddie Carmel, Paul Lavert, Audrey Campbell, Herbert Lannard, Jackie Miller

More info: IMDb

Tagline: The first women on Earth were his playmates

Plot: A man travels back in time and meets prehistoric cave people who are often nude.

My rating: 5.5/10

Will I watch it again?  No.

The time-traveling framework this flimsy story is built upon is silly and embarrassingly bad but then it never strove to be anything but.  Ultimately it's just an excuse to show lots and lots and lots of tits, not that you need an excuse, right?

On an artistic note, it's got one of the best opening tittles, I mean titles, ever!

I bet John Williams would've like to see his name on the screen like that.  The comedy is a throwback to what you'd get in a burlesque show.  The only thing different is this picture has a bigger budget (and it's hard to keep a straight face while saying that) to allow for outdoor shooting and instead of interruptions with strippers and sexy dancing you get naked gals in the wild already naked and ready for your viewing pleasure.  There is one dance with a snake but she doesn't strip (the dancer, not the snake).  The humor is base level bawdiness.  I did laugh out loud once, though.  What is nice, and the reason why anyone would ever watch this to begin with, is the frequent bursts of nudity for nudity's sake.  It was good enough then and, as far as I'm concerned, it's good enough now.  Call me a big fan of boobs in their natural habitat...otherwise, the funny falls flat which gives you a few minutes to take a smoke break or something until the real show's back on.

Bathman dal pianeta Eros (1982)

Director: Antonio D'Agnostino

Writer: Antonio D'Agnostino

Composer: Ubaldo Continiello

Starring: Mark Shannon, Riccardo Zamagni, Guia Lauri Filzi, Sabrina Mastrolorenzi, Giuseppe Alotta, Ornella Picozzi

More info: IMDb

Plot: Sexually-obsessed Bathman (Shannon) and Klito-Bell arrive from the planet Eros and fight perverted criminals on Earth, such as prostitutes and rapists, in this outrageous Batman spoof.

My rating: 3/10

Will I watch it again?  No.

This is not the Batman porn parody you're looking for...or maybe it is.  I don't know you.  Bathman is pronounced as Batman, by the way.  This picture is 78 minutes long and it feels more than twice that which is the biggest problem.

But it looks like fun,right?  Well if you made a supercut with all of the goofiest scenes then maybe but I still have my limits.

The subs are fan made.  Sometimes it's obviously done for laughs but the subs seem to adhere to what is actually being said but with little tweaks here and there for comedic effect.

It's a porn parody so you get LOTS of fucking.  It's a little weird that most of the fuck scenes are so brief but there are lots of them and the movie ends with the longest of all that involves all of the heroes and villains in one giant orgy.  Even before that happens it's one setup for a sex scene after another with everyone fucking everybody else (except there's no guy on dude stuff).

The sex is generally OK at best.  The lesbian scenes fared best.  One of the problems is the music during the sex is usually goofy and played for laughs.  Hell, there's a couple of them that have pseudo Dixieland music for your fucking scene entertainment.  It doesn't work except for possibly being potentially funny.  The few decent parts are much better than their sum.  This was a struggle to finish.  I've done my community service and now it's back to digging for that rare gem among shit movies.

Reservoir Cats (1968)

Original title: The Kill

Director: Gary Graver

Writer: Gary Graver

Starring: Antoinette Maynard, Walt Phillips, Sharon Wells, Natasha, Nancy McGavin, Tod Badker, Tony Brooks, Pam English, Uschi Digard

More info: IMDb

Tagline: Was it the nymphomanic...the hunchback...the gangland leader...or a million dollars worth of heroin...that led them down the bloody path to --

Plot:A gumshoe sets out to find a young woman's missing brother. His investigation leads him into the seamy world of drug smugglers...and a shitload of naked broads.

My rating: 5/10

Will I watch it again?  No.

#1 on the Uschi Digard Needs to Have My Babies Project

If you're looking for a goofy time with LOTS and LOTS of naked broads and you want it in 45 minutes or less then this picture is for YOU!  There's not much to it beyond a couple of cheap laughs, lots of nudity and something of a story involving killers, drugs and a two bit P.I. on the case.  The nudity is what brings it, especially near the end when Uschi Digard, in her film debut, shows up as a hitchhiker and steals the P.I.s car.  That was fun.  After that I think there's about 5 minutes left and everything culminates in a big chase leaving a lot of people dead.  Who?  I couldn't tell you because I just didn't care, especially when Uschi left the scene.  It looks like it was filmed without sound and everything was added later.  The music is cool and the titties are hot.  What else do you want?

The Erotic Adventures of Pinocchio (1971)

Director: Corey Allen

Writers: Chris Warfield, Corey Allen, Carlo Collodi

Composer: John Barber

Starring: Alex Roman, Monica Gayle, Dyanne Thorne, Karen Smith, Eduardo Ranez, Lavina Dawson, Debbie Osborne, Vincene Wallace, Neola Graef, Gwen Van Dam, Elizabeth Bell, Uschi Digard

More info: IMDb

Tagline: It's not his nose that grows!

Plot: This is a bawdy burlesque version of the famous fairy tale. Instead of Gepetto, the old-man woodcarver, we have Geppeta (Gayle), an apparently frustrated and nubile young virgin. Geppeta carves Pinocchio (Roman) for herself as a gorgeous young hunk. Geppeta's fairy godmother (Thorne) magically transforms the young stud Pinocchio into a living man, who is quickly brought to work in the local whorehouse as a prize stud and exhibitionist.

My rating: 4/10

Will I watch it again?  No.

#44 on the Uschi Digard Needs to Have My Babies Project

These storybook adult movies are generally pretty bad.  This one is no exception.  The good thing about this (and them) is the gratuitous nudity but this one is softcore so as not to offend the kiddies. There are LOADS of tits, a little ass and no dicks (sorry straight ladies and gay guys).  There's also a lot of comedy that rarely lands.  It's groan-inducing at times.  What hurt my ears is the incredible amount of screaming, loud sounds and people.  It's a noisy as fuck picture.  Besides the gratuitous nudity (and the women are naturally attractive with lovely bodies) the only other thing I liked was Eduardo Ranez as Jo Jo, the man who exploits Pinocchio as a sex performer.  He's great and he also had the only laughs as far as I'm concerned.  And I'm shocked that he's only got this one credit on IMDb.  If you like your bevy of boobs in a loud and obnoxious movie then this has your name written all over it.  And another thing, did Dyanne Thorne get a boob job after this?  There's a remarkable difference between her lovely self in this and her lovely self in ILSA: SHE WOLF OF THE SS (1975).  Just sayin'.  Oh, and if you're an Uschi Digard connoisseur like me then you're going to be very disappointed.  She's literally in this picture for about a half a minute. 

OMFG.  I want her to have my babies.  I don't care how old she is now. 

Bad Girls Dormitory (1986)

Director: Tim Kincaid

Writer: Tim Kincaid

Composer: Man Parrish

Starring: Carey Zuris, Teresa Farley, Natalie O'Connell, Rick Gianasi, Marita, Jennifer Delora, Donna Eskra, Dan Barclay, Rebecca Rothbaum, Frances Raines, Jane Donadio, Jeffrey R. Iorio

More info: IMDb

Tagline: Too Young for Maximum Security ... Too Dangerous for Juvenile Hall!

Plot: Inmates at a women's prison run by a corrupt warden and her gang of sadistic guards plan a breakout.

My rating: 6.5/10

Will I watch it again?  Yes.

This late entry into the Women In Prison (WIP) genre is pretty darn good.  It feels like either writer/director Kincaid set out to make a WIP picture that has a strong message and a heaping dose of social commentary combined with all of the trappings of an WIP like shower scenes, fights, gratuitous nudity, corrupt warden and guards and even more boobs.  The acting isn't any better than you'd expect and sometimes it's so bad it's good.  And then you get crazy shit like this that appears out of nowhere that had me puzzled yet laughing...(watch it at least until the dance party starts and listen to the lyrics)

WIP fans who want a shitload of boobs won't be disappointed.  What surprised me most (besides enjoying it) was the seriousness Kincaid gives the girls' back stories and their struggles in the "dormitory" to play to the gravity of the problems that some folks deal with in the real world.  I didn't expect that.  Some of these scenes have a lot of weight to them and it's a nice change of pace to the standard WIP flick.  But then again...titties!