Yellowstone 3D - America's Greatest Wonder (2013)

Director: Donald Young

Writer:  N/A

Composer: N/A

Starring: Buffalo and trees

More info: Amazon

Plot: The Yellowstone National Park is the oldest national park in the world. It was established in 1872 and protects an idyllic landscape with thick pine forests, lakes and rivers from exploitation by humans. The park, which is also the largest national park in the United States, offers shelter for many endangered animal species like bears, elk, cougars, lynx, wolves and bison on the high plateau in the Rocky Mountains. Experience this unforgettable natural wonders in real 3D pictures!

My rating: 3/10

Will I watch it again? Hell & No.

Here's an idea of the quality you can expect from this 3D Blu-ray.  There are just four names in the end credits.  Four.

This is just awful.  The only thing it's got going for it is that there are several pretty images of the park.  But then there are a long list of WTFs like the most famous geyser in the world and pretty much THE number one reason people have been visiting the park for more than a hundred years and that's Old Faithful.  Not only do they not show it, they don't even mention it.  Chew on that for a minute.  Then you've got the grossly repetitive and irritating music, the computer generated narration that even mispronounces common words and even goes so far as to mispronounce Yellowstone (at least once) as "Yee-lowstone".  Any number of people should have caught basic errors like that before it went into production.  The 3D looks good most of the time but there are many shots where there is barely an effect.  The camera does not move but there is movement withing the shot in the way of bubbling pools or the rare animal in motion. The Blu-ray case says it's 62 minutes but it's really only 50.   Over the past 35 years, I've been to Yellowstone park only three times.  It's a beautiful place and I highly recommend that everyone try and make it there someday.  It's breathtaking and it deserves something better than this.  I only hope I can at least recoup some of my money by putting this in my garage sale next week.

A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas (2011)

Director: Todd strauss-Schulson

Starring: Kal Penn, John Cho, Patton Oswalt, Isabella Gielniak, Austin Bickel, Inga R. Wilson, Danny Trejo, Bobby Lee, Thomas Lennon, Amir Blumenfeld, Paula Garces, Neil Patrick Harris

More info:IMDb

Tagline: Christmas comes prematurely

Plot: Six years have elapsed since Guantanamo Bay, leaving Harold and Kumar estranged from one another with very different families, friends and lives. But when Kumar arrives on Harold's doorstep during the holiday season with a mysterious package in hand, he inadvertently burns down Harold's father-in-law's beloved Christmas tree. To fix the problem, Harold and Kumar embark on a mission through New York City to find the perfect Christmas tree, once again stumbling into trouble at every single turn.

My rating: 7.5/10

Will I watch it again? Yes.

OK, so after the ho-hum OK HAROLD AND KUMAR ESCAPE FROM GUANTANAMO BAY (2008) the boys are back and funnier than ever, AND in 3D.  The jokes are better than the previous two outings and the story is more than just a collection of gags, not that I need a story mind you.  It certainly helps.  The bit with the baby accidentally exposed to drugs was hilarious and Neil Patrick Harris is even more so. I love how they explained his escape from death from the previous film.  Classic.  I'll watch this film before I see either of the other two.  Here's hoping they'll keep this franchise going.

Creature from the Black Lagoon (1954)

Director: Jack Arnold

Starring: Richard Carlson, Julie Adams, Richard Denning, Antonio Moreno, Nestor Paiva, Whit Bissell, Bernie Gozier, Henry A. Escalante

More info: IMDb

Tagline: Not since the beginning of time has the world beheld terror like this!

Plot: A scientific expedition searching for fossils along the Amazon River discover a prehistoric Gill-Man in the legendary Black Lagoon. The explorers capture the mysterious creature, but it breaks free. The Gill-Man returns to kidnap the lovely Kay, fiancée of one of the expedition, with whom it wants to get busy! Giggidy!!!

My rating: 7.5/10

Will I watch it again? Yes.

With an iconic three-note theme and creature design, CftBL is more than just another Hollywood B-creature feature.  It's actually a great looking, well-shot horror flick.   For my money, what sets this film apart is it's expertly directed, filmed, acted and so on.  The underwater photography is superb for a film such as this.  The shots of the Gill Man swimming underneath and parallel to Kay (Julie Adams) are terrific and they're not something you'd expect to find in a B-picture.

I just got back from seeing it at The Castro Theater in San Francisco AND in 3D!  I was kind of disappointed that it wasn't the original anaglyph red/blue 3D but the newer conversion and film restoration looks fantastic and crisp.  I was thrilled to get to see it this way regardless.  There was a Blu-ray coffin box set of the Universal monsters released in Europe last year that recently bought from Amazon that includes this 3D version I saw.  I can't wait to show it off.  It's a fun picture and worthy of its classic, cult status.

Hard Candy (1976)

Director: Stephen Gibson

Starring: Con Convert, William Margold, Lee O'Donnell, Brenda Ram, Tyler Reynolds, John Seeman, John Holmes

More info: IMDb

Tagline: Super Explicit in 3-D

Plot: A mad scientist struggles to score with the girl of his dreams while thwarted by video freaks, gladiators, aliens from space, a pink bunny and the girl next door.

My rating: 2/10

Will I watch it again? Go fuck yourself.

#13 on 42nd Street Forever Vol. 1 (part of the TRAILER TRASH PROJECT)

This is about the most god damned retarded thing I've ever had to endure. It's in 3-D but it's not effective. Maybe in optimum conditions in a theater with someone who knows how to calibrate the projector it might have worked but not on this widescreen copy I "saw". There's a weak ass story thread loaded with a bunch of shit that doesn't make a damn bit of sense. This is about stupid and there ain't no abouts about it. No matter how you slice this annoying dreck, it stinks on ice. There's not a single joke that works. It's just the opposite. It constantly pissed me off and just made me more and more angry. Can it get worse? You betcha. It was filmed as a XXX 3D movie but this print excised all of that down to 'R' rated levels of dumbassery. The ONLY thing I can think of that would have been a draw to unsuspecting suckers, I mean theater goers, in 1976 would have been the all too brief sex scene with John Holmes. Having that cock leap out of the screen and dangle inches from your face in 3-D had to be what it would take.

Piranha 3D (2010)

Director: Alexandre Aja

Starring: Elisabeth Shue, Ving Rhames, Christopher Lloyd, Jerry O'Connell, Steven R McQUeen

More info: IMDB

Tagline: This Summer 3D Shows Its Teeth

Plot: After a sudden underwater tremor sets free scores of the prehistoric man-eating fish, an unlikely group of strangers must band together to stop themselves from becoming fish food for the area's new razor-toothed residents.

My rating: 6.5/10

Will I watch it again? Yeah, it'll be good with a group

So last night I re-watched the original 1978 PIRANHA and it wasn't as good as I remembered.
It lost a little something since seeing it less than three years ago. However, the remake is better than I had expected. When I saw a piece of an interview with the director where he said that his 3D movie is going to deliver the goods with lots of gore and lots of nudity, I knew that if he did that and made a somewhat entertaining movie around it, I'd be happy. I'm happy.

The gore is fantastic. There's TONS of it. Lots of kills from beginning to end. And the nudity? Well...let me give you an example. Imagine green tinted water. Add two large breasted, fully nude young women (one natural (Kelly Brook) and the other with implants (not Kelly Brook)), slow motion photography and a soothing, beautiful operatic aria for ambiance. Now have the women, for probably two minutes or so, frolic (in slow motion, mind you), fondle and kiss. It's to THAT degree that you know the film makers are unashamed and are going to hold nothing back.




If you've seen the trailer then you will recognize this image...


Sorry, but just like they did with PREDATORS, this scene is not in the film.

Best line in the whole movie? It's where one of the cast is attacked, pulled aboard a boat with his lower half in shreds and says in horror, "They took my penis." Great fun. The biggest surprise for me was Elisabeth Shue. I really dig this chick. She did a great job as the sheriff and seems like a good actress. Granted I've barely seen any of her films. It's hard to tell in movies like this sometimes but she shines here. I didn't recognize O'Connell as the "Girls Gone Wild"-esque film maker. He was great. Lloyd got a huge laugh out of me for yelling his lines much like he did in the BACK TO THE FUTURE flicks. He's essentially the same guy in this one whose only purpose is exposition.

And then there's Richard Dreyfuss resurrecting his character, Matt Hooper, from JAWS. That was fantastic. The 3D was better than anything I've seen so far with the exception of AVATAR. It's obvious that 3D does not allow for shaky cam or quick editing. In a way it's nice not having a constant barrage of images thrown at you. I long for the old days when the camera focused on something long enough for your eyes to soak everything in. Ahhhhhh...3D tits and blood...3D tits and blood...3D tits and blood...

My Bloody Valentine 3-D (2009)

Director: Patrick Lussier

Starring: Tom Atkins and a bunch of nobodys

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: He's gonna break your heart.

Plot: Tom returns to his hometown on the tenth anniversary of the Valentine's night massacre that claimed the lives of 22 people. Instead of a homecoming, however, Tom finds himself suspected of committing the murders, and it seems like his old flame is the only one will believes he's innocent.




My Rating: 6.5/10

Would I watch it again? it's possible but only in 3D

I LOVES me some 3D. The old red/blue anaglyph shit is fun and the new 3D process is fantastic. MY BLOODY VALENTINE is the first live action film I've seen with the new 3D.

I'm going to keep this spoiler free for a change. It starts out with a bang with the back story of the mine murders and an Oprah-assload of kills. Nice. Then it's ten years later and the murders start up again and this is where we'll be until the reveal at the end. When you're watching it, don't think too much; just enjoy it.

We get treated to a tremendous body count involving every way you can think of to kill a person with a pick axe. There aren't really any good scares in it. We're given the same cheap-ass lame-O bullshit "jump" scares we get in most Hollywood films. You know, where something leaps onto the screen out of nowhere and you hear a loud band in the music. It's rarely done effectively, it's the cheapest way to make someone jump and it pisses me off. There was one moment, though that made me flinch and it was when some shit was being knocked about in a grocery store and a few things flew out of the screen towards the viewer quickly. But that's only because of the 3D that made that possible.

So how was the 3D? Pretty fucking cool. I really liked how the film makers didn't beat you over the head with "Hey, look what we can do with 3D. Cool, huh?". Yeah, you get a few of those moments but a lot of them aren't flashy and they work pretty well. I didn't find myself reaching out in front of me to try and touch anything like I've been known to do. That's right. I'm a total dork. I've done that knowing full well that it's a visual trick but it's fun so let it go.

As I said, there are a ton of kills but there are two that stand out. One is early on when someone gets a flat-edged shovel horizontally through the mouth and out the back of the head, effectively cutting it in half. That was fun. And later someone gets the pick axe thrust from beneath the chin and up through the mouth and then pulled forward throwing the jaw out to the audience. Sweetness.

Tom "Thrill Me!" Atkins was a lot of fun. This guy is a character actor staple of the horror genre throughout the 80s and it's nice to see him back in something fun like this. You've also got Kevin Tighe, John Locke's motherfucker of a father in TV's LOST. He's a hoot. And then we get treated to Betsy Rue. Who is she? A nobody until after this picture. I'm not sure if she can do Shakespeare be she did fine in this. Oh, and she's completely nude, running around a motel parking lot with a gun and then running for her life from the killer. It runs for several minutes and it's pretty neat in that you haven't seen anything like this before. It's even better because it's in 3D. I saw several people in the theater reaching out at the screen trying to touch her with one of them leaning over to me afterwards asking if I wanted to smell his finger. I'm sure Betsy will be getting more work after this movie.

The 3D is really what makes this more fun than it should be. We're in the beginning stages with the 3D revolution that is developing. I like it and I welcome it. I'm especially chomping at the bit for Lucas' promise to bring the STAR WARS films to the theaters in 3D. But with that comes Jar Jar and those fucking Ewoks inches from my face. The upside is that I'll find my fists flying at every opportunity.

Oh, the story is fine and the pacing works if only a tad on the slow side at the 2/3 mark. Is is worth dropping an extra two bucks down to see it in 3D? Yeah, it's fun but without the 3D "gee whiz" factor it's just another slasher movie that is better than most of late but not enough to be garnered a classic. I can't say anything about the original 1981 film as I haven't seen it...yet.

Beowulf (3D) (2007)

Director: Robert Zemeckis

Starring: Ray Winstone, Robin Wright Penn, Anthony Hopkins, and that hideous Angelina Jolie

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: Face your demons

Plot: The warrior Beowulf must fight and defeat the monster Grendel who is terrorizing towns, and later, Grendel's mother, who begins killing out of revenge.







My Rating: 8/10

Would I watch it again? Hell, yeah

WOW! I love 3-D and I'm so glad it's making a comeback and in a huge way. But I'm not going to get into that. I've got a lot to say about the film but even still, I'm going to hold back the gushing.

I loved it. The casting was great (except for Jolie), the animation was great (with the exception of the horses galloping which looked cartoonish), the music BLEW ME AWAY (I've been a fan of Alan Silvestri since the 80s and with this one he knocks it out of the park), the exterior shots were freaking amazing, the dragon was unbelievable and then ending...Nice!

I've been a huge fan of Ray Winstone since I saw him in SEXY BEAST (2000) a few years back. His voice was pitch perfect for Beowulf and he kicks all kinds of animated ass. Grendal, the troll, was a very nice creation but he did look a tad too sympathetic. I feel for the position he's been put into and for his story so I don't need to "see" it on screen. The emotion's there already.

OK, I can't stand Angelina Jolie. I think she's unattractive and has gotten by on her looks for far too long. Those lips have got to go. She's got a great body but the neck-up thing just weirds me out, man. When we and Beowulf get to see all of her for the first time she's either wearing high heel shoes or she's got a spike that juts out, pressing her heel 8 inches above her toes as if she's wearing high heels. That was just fucking retarded. She's a sea-nymph-ghost-lip-thing or something of the sort. I can't stand to relive it. Moving on...

A lot has been said about Beowulf's nude fight scene. I thought it was original and, knowing Beowulf's conceit I could buy into it. The only thing that bothered me was that after several minutes of objects conveniently blocking out his package I couldn't help but laugh every time it happened and that bothered me. It's a great fight sequence and I didn't like being removed from it for some cheap laughs.

About halfway through it seems our story is over as Beowulf has met his objective but it turns out there's a lot more. At first it was strange because it really felt like the movie was over but I soon got used to it and I really dug where the story went from that point on.

The big fight at the end with the dragon was shit-hot cool and that's that. And then there's the ending. I'm not going to spoil any of it. All I have to say is Zemeckis has giant brass-covered motion-captured animated balls. There's barely any sound and the camera just sits on a character's face for what felt like 10-15 seconds and maybe longer. What happens? I've got my strong suspicion but I'm not going to spill it. Just ask.

AND THEN THE BOTTOM DROPS OUT OF THE FUCKING SKY and some retarded pop song starts as the credits roll!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Are they that fucking desperate to sell god damned records? WTF? I will say this, as soon as I get my hands on the DVD I'm going to author my own DVD and substitute that song with something else. Here we have an absolutely beautiful quiet moment that you wouldn't expect in a Hollywood film, much less an animated Hollywood film, and they ruin it with noise!!! A fucking pop song at that!!! Oh, I'm so pissed. If not going for some of the quieter somber cues from the score they could have at least (and this is what I'm going to change the pop song with) used Penn's rendition of the song we heard earlier with just her and a lute. They hurt a beautiful scene and it's the last scene of the film. Morons.

Other than that, the film's fantastic. Treat yourself and see it in 3-D and be sure to take an extra pair of pants.