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We all need to pray
I've been church-visiting every Sunday since the year started. In a bad way, church-hopping.
Honestly, I've been so well-fed that I actually have been relying on Sunday messages to sustain me throughout the week. For the first time in my life, I understood what it meant when preachers say we aren't to rely on Sunday messages to charge us up through the week. Goes to show how I'm getting really lazy and complacent and on a more serious note, how my spiritual life is declining.
The horrible past few months should have been a warning to me to really get some quality time with God. Truly God cares. I'm probably the last person on earth He would want to give a warning to. Whichever church we would be at that Sunday, God would send a timely message. Today was a hard warning and scales just fell of my eyes.
I've been dealing with my problems very carnally, which I shouldn't have done so. I'm exhausted because I've been using my human mind to plan and decipher my next step. This is the place where God has placed me. This is a place where I will never be able to survive if I depend on my own strength. It's no longer based on my efforts but I'm actually treading on spiritual ground. When my contract staff jokingly said I needed to pray, I brushed her aside when I should have taken action.
It's been a tough walk. It's time I got down on my knees and pray. Labels: prayer
If I could turn back time, I would start over again. No matter how much I try to hide or forget, stains of the past keep haunting me. It's a concoction of guilt, regret, anger and just lots and lots of tears. I don't know if I could walk away from this shadow for real. Sometimes knowing too much, seeing too much really does a lot of unnecessary hurt.
Last year, I gave up a lot of things. I gave up pursuing perfection. I didn't try to achieve the perfect life, I just gave in my best; the very best I could even though everything around me wasn't that bright. It's a very very sad feeling when I think back about all that I'd lost, all that I'd failed to fight for, all that I'd fought so hard for but came to naught. When I think about the 'friendships' I'd made, the people whom I trusted so much, it only brings deep sadness that will probably take a very very long time to heal.
I actually do know the reason after making the final decision to leave. And if not for this move, I may never be able to live out of the shadow, I may never be able to find joy back.
I always wondered how it's possible for the place where God meant for joy and love to be a place so unloving and hurtful. But as Anil said once: Jesus came for the sick and not the healthy. If I weren't broken, I wouldn't be needing a God who heals.
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Previous
Posts
it's alright when God hits a raw spot.
it reminds us that there are issues in our lives that we need to surrender to God.
it's alright when things do not turn out as we expect them to.
it reminds us that God has a greater plan than what we have for ourselves.
it's alright when friends fail us.
it reminds us to trust on God because He never fails.
it's alright when we feel inadequate in our service to God.
it reminds us that we are not to lean on our own strength but to lean on God.
it's alright when friends do not understand us.
it reminds us that we have a God who knows the desires of our hearts.
it's alright when members are not growing the way we want them to.
it reminds us that God is the one who will change their lives, not us.
it's alright when we fall in our walk with God.
it reminds us that we are and never will be perfect but we are to live the best we can each day.
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