it seems like sth is slowly but surely draining out of me


everyone has a limit
a limit to how much they can tolerate
a limit to how much they can accommodate
a limit to how much effort they can put in
a limit to how much they can cheer themselves on

there comes a point in life
when you just cannot go past that limit of tolerance
when all you want to do is shout a string of vulgarities. at no one.
perhaps. at myself
that i really
had enough

so many questions burning in my heart
i hope they burn and combust themselves dry
how can you know me. and yet. do not really know me
how can you understand me. and yet. do not really understand me.
why is it that
all the time i feel so upset and so helpless and so frustrated
but yet
there is only. myself comforting me...
perhaps the reason
is because
you prob dint even noe that i needed some comforting

i get angry at myself for getting angry at others, frustrated that i have stopped seeing the positives, annoyed by your actions and lack thereof, picking at the little things because my tolerance limit is up, upset because you probably almost never get my non-verbal cues, sad by the fact that i cannot be more understanding towards ppl, demoralized by the sheer fact that im typing this out as a plea to the internet n not to humans, depressed by my own hurtful words to you, and guilty because im wasting tissue wiping these weird salty things as they trickle out of my eyes.

as i type and rant
emotions start to calm a little
probably
i need to learn how to care less
when u care less for things, for actions, for people
u hurt less

is that why selfish people made themselves so selfish and to nurture out a heart of stone
so that they don't feel the pain?
perhaps the pain they have felt was something that
the joy they once experienced could never surpass
and hence,hey have decided to erase it once and for all
...
so
arent those who made these selfish people selfish
a whole lot shittier than them?

when caring and loving gets trampled on. unknowingly.
perhaps
thats when u hear a heart
shattering

o well
food for thought
time to leave the world of the internet
and get back to reality
(so tempted to end this post with a vulgarity. but decided.. its ok! )





the emotions of humans mimic that of nature. of the weather

some days are sunny but bright. the rays of the sun bright up the whole environment so much so that you just feel like frolicking in its warmth
but there are days where the rays of the sun are so hot they scorch your skin, hurt your eyes, create periods of draught

there are days the skies are strewn with fluffy clouds. and it makes your day so comfy, allows your body to enter into a relaxed mode.
yet on occasions the clouds are so thick that your mood too gets clouded with unnecessary thoughts and feelings. and that is when your mood. turns moody

and when the clouds are so thick that its unbearable
it rains
it pours
a storm washes it off
like tears streaming down your face. like blood gushing out from a terrible heartache. like antiseptic, cleasing the wound
and sometimes
whats left on earth
is a earth, rejuvenated with life. with water. with children plonking their paddington boots into the puddles formed. with animals busy rolling in the mud created by the downpour.
and at other times
what is left is a devastated earth. one that has been swept away by the torrential rains that have stormed through earth and cleansed it of its goodness

at times
the lack of certainty
the lack of reaffirmation by the surroundings
makes believing hard
it makes the going tough
it makes one feel like you have been alienated by the fellow earthlings
like
you are all by yourself
standing
and wondering what the weather for tomorrow will be
what will be
will be




a great relationship isnt just about great things.
its about those small minute things that
makes a damn great difference

it can be a gesture
or the lack thereof

it can be the initiative
or the absence of it

it can be the right tone
or the one that wrecks the day

it can be a tiny and cheaply priced present
but yet, a priceless gift

it can be the remembering of the smallest details
rather than the gist or worst, what was forgotten

it can be one word
yet the impact, immeasurable

it is more of the effort of understanding or remembering
than the exact item understood or remembered

it can be an answer that makes u smile or nod in agreement
or one that throws u with more questions to ponder on

it is the small things that matter,the details.
just like a contract with the fine-prints.
ignore them, and the contract can b void
ignore them and the results may be horrifying
ignore them and its like the contract nv existed

o well.
if all else fails
a new contract can be drafted with no fine-prints
but the contents in the contract will vary perhaps to a large extent.
such is life.




time flies!
2 yrs just passed like this
u are stlil constantly missed
and forever in mariejiejie's memory <3 nbsp="" p="">love u!






this month has been a rather bad month
falling sick time and again
n it proved to be the worst out of all the times ive been sick

had such a bad cough
i ended up not being to speak for a few days
only then did i realize how impt speech was
i couldnt pick up the fone
i couldnt order food without the aunty/uncle staring weirdly at me as i tried to make some sounds
i couldnt do my work because it was hard to liaise over sms or whatsapp
and worst of all i couldnt slp at night cos i kept coughing

and then i recovered from my cough!

but soon after.. when i least expected it

the worst ever headache hit me
it was so bad till i puked multiple times and i just felt like dying.
yes it was that bad
and to make things worse
i had that headache on the night of anita's wedding
prolly one of the few weddings that i would really wan to be present at
the only consolation was that at least i was alright during the gate crash
o well. one injection for my throbbing headaches

and a week passed
in that week i had headaches constantly
they were bearable
but at the same time frustrating
for ppl who freq have headaches.. i guess u would understand that frustrating feeling

and then.. my headaches were ok!
but i felt feverish
and so.. i took a painkiller/fever relief med.. which was given to me by another doc since i was suspected to be allergic to panadol

and b4 i knew it..
when i woke up. my eyes started to swell
it swelled so terrible that i was starting to panic
because i could hardly see esp with my left eye
the swell was practically making my vision blurred and narrowing it as time went by
it was quite scary as i didnt know wad was gg on

went to visit the doctor..
bt cos the doc opened at 9-930ish.. had no choice but to wait
waited n waited
n i need to pee. n guess wad
the damn admin staff from SHENTON clinic (which is beside the clinic i wanted to go)
REFUSED to let me use their toilet despite my eye conditions
she insisted that i used the coffeeeshop toilet which was dark and wet
wad a bitch
i really felt like slapping her
n the tone she used. was ultimately rude. she had zero sympathy
and i guess. all they care about was patients who spent money in their clinic. seriously. her attitude was THAT BAD!
even my mum was pissed

n guess wad..
to reduce the swelling.. i had to take another injection
o my
injections. .. 2 in a month. injections r sth that freak me out
n the thought of haing 2 in a month.
was
devastating

o well
i clocked like a yr's worth of MC in just one month
even the doc felt sorrry for me

the importance of health
cannot be undermined.
from today onwards
i'll lead a healthy life!
i cannot afford to fall ill or have headaches or fevers cos i will nt be able to take any medications
n i dun wan to go through all these again
dear lord
pls save me ..