A warning, and probably TMI in the explanation...

In the interest of full disclosure, folks, I want to let you know that the tone and/or content here at Razzzberries is about to shift. Now, I don't want to scare you off - and I'm going to work really hard on not becoming one of those bloggers who "over share" (we all know one - or more - of them and that's not who I want to be), but for more than a handful of reasons, I've decided that I need to use my blog as a vehicle for getting a story - and some emotions - out of me and onto paper.

There are a lot of reasons that I've decided to be a little more honest, and a lot more raw in how I talk about what's happening in my life. Here are a few of them:

Writing helps me reframe what I'm thinking and how I'm feeling. When I have to be able to put something into words, I have to process it. This helps me. A lot.

I'm afraid that, in all of my efforts to be positive (and not grumpy) about the health struggles I've dealt with in the past two years, I've given a few people a rather "Pollyanna" view of me. I mean, as cute as Hayley Mills was and all... I am so not Pollyanna. I think it's important to find joy in your life, to recognize that happiness is a choice and see the blessings that are always there. I also feel that it's important to feel what is hard, to honor frustration and anger and fear, so you can work through what is hard and move on. All emotions are important, and I need to be better at letting the people who love me know what I'm feeling, so they'll know where I am and how they can help me.

I've decided, at long last, what I want to write a book about. (Anyone who's known me for five minutes knows that I've always wanted to write a book. I haven't ever actually done it because I've never been able to decide what subject matter to use, what to write about.) I decided in the fall that I was going to write a book about cancer, about having lived through it and come out better, stronger and happier than I ever thought I could be. (And, hello, I like to think that I was pretty darn strong and happy before the cancer cursed/blessed my life. Multiple times.) The only hitch was, I couldn't remember a whole heck of a lot about some of the time periods involved. I really struggled with that, because in order to write effectively, I felt that I needed to remember - and talk about - some of the truly dark stuff. ... Not that I want to write a dark and twisty book, nor do I want to focus only on what has been hard, but I feel like I need to honor how truly difficult and painful it has been. ... I want to write a book that other cancer patients/survivors can read and think "Yes! Yes, I have felt that way!", and I want the friends and family members of cancer patients to be able to read what I have written and know, in some small way, what their loved one has felt or is going through. I don't want my book to be negative, or unnecessarily heavy, but I need it to be honest and authentic, and I feel that, from the perspective of honoring how incredibly difficult it is to have the cancer - from diagnosis to surgery and treatments and side-effects and beyond - I need to write as I'm experiencing things. I need to write while memories and emotions are fresh. Welcome to one of the biggest reasons this blogspot is about to change.

Here are some ways that things around here are shifting, and why:

I've disabled the ability for readers to comment. Not that I don't love hearing what my readers have to say (I love you, and I enjoy your feedback). The reason I've disabled the comment function is that there are some things that I'm going to write that are going to be hard to read, and I don't want anyone to feel like they have to say something in response. That doesn't mean that I won't talk about what I post. I will. I want to. On a lot of levels, I need to. Call me, email me, text me. Contact me if I write something that you want to talk about, and I'll be happy to talk about it. There are some things that will be hard or heavy and I don't want anyone to feel like they have to comment, so I'm changing the functionality on my blog to give me the outlet I need without the distraction that comments can be.

I'm going to start being a lot more open than I have been. (I can hear a good dozen of you rolling your eyes and groaning at this statement. Could I have possibly been more open about the constipation - and other digestive system - issues that radiation and multiple surgeries caused? No, I don't think I could have been more open there.) The reason I've decided to go a little more "open and sharing" is that I think I've done a lot of the people who love me a disservice in not being honest with how incredibly difficult this has been - every time I've done it. I've had a few friends say things like "Seeing you like this makes it seem so real" or "Wow, the stress is getting to you" when they ask me how I'm doing and get an honest - and often emotional - response. Folks, it's been real every time. The pain, the frustration, the fear and the anger have always been there. Just because I feel that it's important not to fully invest in those feelings and let them own me doesn't mean that I don't feel them. I can't say strongly enough that I feel that it's incredibly important to focus on the positive and look for the good in our lives. I also feel that the Lord gave us a range of emotions for a reason, and that it's imperative that we allow ourselves to feel all of those emotions, to process them, so we can use what is hard in our lives for good and for growth. So, I'm going to be a lot more honest. Be ready. Please don't be scared (or horrified), but be ready.

My writing style may change a little. I'm thinking a little less rambly and a little more like a journal entry. I want my voice to still be my voice, but I'm pretty sure we can all agree that sometimes I get off-topic. (How long is this post now, anyway? I shudder at the word count.) I may repeat some points or stories that some (if not most) of you already know from the first two times through for the sake of a narrative. The reason for this is that I'm going to use my blog as a vehicle to get this story out of me while feelings are fresh and before my memory is fogged by narcotics, pain and/or time.

This blogspot-is-about-to-change warning having been issued, I want to say that I'm still me. I want this corner of the www to be more honest, but I also want the content to be humorous and a fun thing to read. I'm bound and determined to stay positive and hopeful. I do not want to turn this blog into a cancer-riddled war zone littered with horror stories that will make people feel sorry for me.

At the end of the day, I need to write more honestly because calling a spade a spade helps me cope, which will help me heal. I need to talk about some of the truly difficult territory that I've navigated and am headed right back into, because the nasty stuff is part of the story. I need to write this because I have a voice and I need to use it. Also, in the rich fantasyland that is my imagination, I like to think that by the time I'm done with treatments, some sweet editor in a far off land will have heard of my blog and want to publish my book and I can go on cancer survivor book tour and maybe have a movie made of my life in which Nathan Fillion will play the doctor who fell in love with me as he was curing my cancer. (So what if that's an unrealistic fantasy mix of Julie and Julia and Black Heels to Tractor Wheels? A girl can dream.)

As always, thanks to my friends and family for supporting me in everything I do - from eating a bucket of buttered popcorn for dinner because it makes me happy to letting me bare my soul online because it's what I need to do. I wouldn't be able to handle my life without the people in it. You all make everything more fun and more worthwhile and I love you.