My haven

I pack my cabin bag but it is still almost empty. All I need is already there. I might leave Switzerland with a half empty bag, but it is always filled to its brim when I return. 

I go through security, double check which gate to go to. I stop at my favorite airport café and pick up a latte and a croissant and a salad for the flight. The food onboard is not the greatest... I feel like a runaway Mama. Leaving all kids at home with their father to do my thing. It is liberating and makes me a bit anxious at the same time. I guess I like to look at myself as indispensable...Or maybe this is the result of living in a motherhood bubble for such a long time...

I find my seat, turn on a podcast and bring out my crochet. 2 hours and 40 minutes it takes to get home. Quality time for me, myself and I.

I have two homes. One in Switzerland and one in Sweden. Sweden will always be the place I'll return to no matter what happens. Switzerland is just temporary... It's been temporary for over 10 years now. That is life for me as an expat. 

We land and the first thing I do is stop at the Pressbyrån kiosk in the arrival hall to buy a magazine, a bag of my favorite sweets and Cheese Doodles. I go and pick up my rental car. This time I actually got the model I reserved. Surprise! I tune in my favorite radio station, P4 Stockholm, and the drive to our summer house begins. The landscape I drive through is kind of dull, grey and sluggish this time of the year. There is some snow but no signs of spring yet. I drive pass Swedish red cottages, horses and big fields and forests... By the time I reach my cottage, half the bag of sweets is gone... I lied. The whole bag is gone. Of course. I've reached my destination. I'm here.

My brother Christian has turned on the heaters and left the key in the red front door. It is still very cold inside. Especially on the floor. I turn on the old transistor radio for company and some lights as it is getting dark outside. I check the water to see if the pipes have survived winter this year. They are all solid and with a victory gesture I loudly pronounce my relief with a big "YES!" creating a bit of an echo in the house. Last year every pipe had frozen and broken. It cost me a small fortune... I jump into my cottage outfit: an old pair of jeans (dirty as hell, have I ever washed them?) and an oversized washed out sweater. Dad's old jacket (which goes down to my knees at least...) and ankle high wellies.

I walk down to my brother's house and he greets me with a big bear hug. He has lit his fire place and dinner is on the stove. We chat and hang out until late when I make my way back to my cottage in the dark, guided by the iPhone flashlight. My cottage is much warmer now. I do my bedtime routine, turn off the radio and the lights and tuck myself in. The silence. The silence is so intense that it is almost uncomfortable in the beginning. It makes me want to hold my breath. My senses are desperately searching for something to take in: wind, cracking noises in the walls, animals, white noise from the fridge... Nothing. Who would have thought silence could be so... loud? Maybe it is my brain that is loud? Within minutes I'm fast asleep. 

The weekend moves on and I go for long walks, clean in the cottage, prepare it for the sale. Make the beds in the kids' cottage and try my best to make it look as cozy and attractive as possible for a future viewing. 

A big tree has fallen down in the back of the garden, luckily it has fallen right next to the kids' cottage and not on top of it. A neighbor tells me that about a dozen trees fell down in the big storm in January and amazingly no ones' property has been smashed, but there is still a lot of work left to clean up the mess. 

We have a great community here. We look out for each other at all times. I will still be a part of it after the summer house is sold. It is comforting to know. That I will still come out here. This is my haven. My place to disconnect from the demanding roles of being a mother, wife, professional and a woman with a busy life. Here I am just me and the most important thing in the day is to eat, walk, chill and do small improvements of the house and garden. No mountains of laundry, agendas to follow, picking up after family members, taxi service, activities, big dinner preparations, filling and emptying of dishwashers or making ends to meet. Here life is down to its core of simplicity. And quietly, while sitting there with a cup of tea and flicking through an old magazine with the radio buzzing in the background I wonder: "Why do we need more? Isn't this just enough?" I so wish life could always be this simple. 

Kärlek
Annette

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A weekend of paradise

Sweden was crisp, colorful and sunny when I arrived. My house was just the way I left it. I was prepared for tears, an aching heart and a big hurting lump in my throat but instead I was quite relaxed and cool about this visit. Maybe my sensible me turned off my emotion button to get through it all. I spent a lot of time outside walking the area , cuddled up in front of my fireplace at night with my crochet and weaved in the last ends of my brown Autumn Poncho. I know many have asked for a pattern when showing it on Instagram and I hope to soon find a slot of time to focus on putting it all together. It is a lovely pattern, not that complicated really, just a bit challenging to express in a written pattern. I think I need quite a few days of full attention to get this down in a PDF file. Stay with me.

I can't thank you enough for all your supportive messages. You are all so right when reminding me that my paradise is to be sold for a great reason. We are finally, after 10 years in Switzerland as renters, aiming to purchase a property and become real home owners where we live. It has shown to be not as straight forward as we thought. With Jay being American it even complicates things. There are a lot of paperwork and procedures to understand. Lots of money thinking, budgeting and trying to figure out how we can make this happen.

The goal for the weekend was to meet with a realtor for a valuation of the house and to take part of our annual Autumn Cleaning Day in the community. It is a small community with a bout 22 house holds and we always have a great time getting together with rakes and machinery to clean up ditches, repair docks, cut down trees and tidy up our beach. Afterwards we always have hot dogs on the grill and some beverage, chatting about life in our neighbor hood. The news of me selling had already come out and many were sorry to see us sell our house. However, we will always continue to be a part of this fantastic community as we will continue our Sweden visits but stay at my brother's house instead. This is not the end. It is a new beginning I believe.

Kärlek
Annette

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Sweden in my heart - forever

Hi my lovelies. Thank you so so much for all your stories shared, advice given and comfort hugs on my latest post. It has been incredibly helpful and I want to give you all a big comfort hugs back. Thank you.

Nelly Bo is okay. She has learned and grown a lot through this special experience. Alicia's family is doing well considering the situation, having fantastic support from friends, neighbours and close family. The funeral was beautiful and the church was filled to the brim of people showing their sympathies including Nelly Bo and a group of close friends attending as well.

Today I'm on my way back home to my roots. To our summer house. It is time for the yearly Autumn Clean Day. But this time my trip is bitter sweet. We have decided to sell our house to raise the money needed for a deposit on a home here in Switzerland. I'm meeting with a realtor to start the process...

I've cried. I've had a big lump in my stomach for weeks if not months. I've fought for us to keep our paradise, but there are times in your life when you can't let the heart make the decision. In the end, we are doing this for a brighter future in our every day life. It is the right thing to do.

While flicking through my summer pictures (apologies but it was hard to choose...), I'm brought back to all the fun we had this summer. We never fail to have a great time together with my family. Lots of everything: play, food, kids, chilling, garden work, beach, fishing, boating, jumping, thrift shopping, laughter, card games, cooking... It wasn't the last summer, there are still many summers to come with just as much joy and laughter. My brother's house is still there, and that is where we spend most of our time anyway, and he has room for everyone. That is the silver lining. Although it hurts to let go...

Kärlek
Annette

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