Another loss

Beta #4 = 35 = Miscarriage #4

I wish that the numbers hadn't risen. I had my time to emotionally deal with the loss and then the numbers rose. I was given a small sense of hope and I played into it. Why on earth I even considered that this pregnancy would go anywhere is beyond me. I should no better by now. I'm a recurrent miscarrier. My body kills my babies.

The last two miscarriages have made me miss Myles even more ... to think that somehow, some way he managed to stay put in my horrid uterus and then he fought against all odds and died of pneumonia of all things. Myles was my little fighter and he should have made it.

I hate my body and I hate the universe!

Beta #3

The beta level today was 230, so it's still increasing. However, I was hoping for a much higher level. My previous beta was 101 on Monday morning. This means that my doubling time is 2.52 days, which is within the "normal doubling time of 48-72 hours, yet I still worry. I know, I know I should just be happy that I'm pregnant and that for all practical purposes the pregnancy is still progressing. My frickin' history makes me over the top anxious about everything!

I called my local ob/gyn clinic to get the results, so I haven't talked with my reproductive clinic yet. I'm sure they will call me later today. I think I'll ask for another beta on Monday. Actually maybe I can get them to call in the beta to the hospital, so I can have it on Saturday or Sunday?!

So far today I'm not having any additional bleeding. I have a very, very scant amount of brown spotting on my panty liner, but didn't see much on my Endometrin applicator when I inserted it this morning. Of course I run to the bathroom every 5 minutes to check for bleeding. Thank goodness I'm at home today and tomorrow! We have teacher's conventions and can opt to work at home, so I'm home doing some grading (well I'm supposed to be) and am planning to work on some new assessments for upcoming units.

My 1st u/s is scheduled for 10/23/08, which seems like forever away! J is going to be out of town that whole week, so I'll have to go by myself. I thought about taking my mom, but she's a huge worry wart and would probably contribute to my anxiety. I may ask a close friend to come or I'll put on my "iron" and go by myself.

I need to do some deep breathing today and need to go get my "Panic attack" aromatherapy oil and my meditation cd. I think this little bean (and Mommy) is in need of some extra prayers, so if you are the praying type please send up some extra prayers today. If you could direct them to St. Anthony, the Saint of Miracles, that would be great!

Beta #2

Wow, I am in complete shock! Recall my 1st beta was only 19 on Friday. My 2nd beta today came back at 101! My clinic is very pleased with this number and said that they've seen low first betas shoot up with FETs. They also said I may have had late implantation. So, as of today I am still pregnant and it seems to be progressing. :)

It's weird because I spent the whole weekend under the impression that I was having y 4th miscarriage. I went through all the emotions and was prepared for the dropping beta today. The news came as a huge surprise to both J and me. We know that this is still early and anything can happen, but for now we will try to appreciate that we are pregnant again!

Thank you so much for your prayers, support, understanding, compassion, and encouragement. I appreciate all of you who read my blog! ((HUGS))

Ramblings about another impending loss

I appreciate everyone's continued prayers and for continuing to hope for this pregnancy. It means a lot to me. I have heard and do know that others have had low betas and gone on to have viable pregnancies and healthy babies. But, I have a VERY hard time believing that I'll be one of them. Things like that just don't happen for me. When something looks grim it usually ends up being just that, grim.

Last night and this morning my symptoms were/are vanishing. I no longer have the pangs in my breasts, but rather notice they are ever so slightly sore from PIO. No cramping whatsoever to speak of. I'm guessing the first day I felt like I knew I was pregnant (6dp5dt) was when my blood levels reached their peak and now I'm guessing they are on the downslide.

I'm struggling with people's suggestions of trying Lovenox, baby aspirin, etc.. I am already using all of those things. I once said in another blog post that if it's available I've probably already tried it and I wasn't kidding! The only thing we haven't pursued at this point is the "black box" immune testing (e.g., NK cells)/treatments (e.g., IVIG) that my RE won't touch with a ten foot pole. J and I discussed doing a phone consult with a reproductive immunologist to hear his/her thoughts. For $300 the RI will review our records, chat with us for about an hour, and make a recommendation. This recommendation would include any future testing and/or treatments based on those findings. We figure a consult can't hurt anything.

My gut tells me something more is going on. I wonder about the immune stuff, but I also wonder about other problems related to my lining issues. Being a biologist gives me all sorts of hypotheses of what could be going wrong. Since I keep having chemical pregnancies where the embryo is dying after implantation, I think that possibly there could be a problem with blood vessel recruitment (angiogenesis) during implantation. When the embryo attaches and begins to burrow/implant into the lining "it" sends out signals that cause blood vessels to grow to it, which ultimately supplies it's life line. So, if the embryo can't recruit enough blood vessels it will die early on. Theoretically, if blood flow to the uterus is weak (like I speculate it is with me given my linings never plump up huge) then angiogenesis could be poor. (BTW ... in my opinion this could also be connected to my early, severe PE/HELLP.)

So, how do they assess and treat this? I believe they can do uterine artery flow studies to assess blood flow before transfer, but the problem is that there isn't a treatment. I plan to discuss my hypothesis with my RE. If we did the test and it showed limited blood flow, then it might be the information that helps us decide that it's time to move on to a gestational carrier (surrogate). (BTW ... in my opinion this could also be connected to my early, severe PE/HELLP.)

I have been having the worst time with this impending loss. It makes me miss Myles even more and makes me wonder if he will be my only baby. I am struggling with my choice to seemingly "throw away" perfectly good (well superb to be honest) embryos on my horrid, hostile uterus. I'm doing this because I want to carry another baby again and I really think I need to start asking myself what is really important. J and I had a huge discussion about this last night. He doesn't find my desires selfish and thinks it's natural for me to want this, but I keep questioning my actions. If I have a willing and able dear family member and friend with a good, hospitable uterus ready to carry our babies, why don't I step onto that path?! In the end what I really want is for us to parent living children. I'm just holding onto this dream that I can't seem to let go. I have a hard time giving up the amazing experience of pregnancy. I'm jealous to think of someone else feeling my baby(ies) move inside her. I'm envious of that special bond she'd have with them that I wouldn't. I wonder/worry how things would work in the delivery room when the baby(ies) is born. The list goes on and on.

I was hoping and dreaming of getting an opportunity of having a birth story that was much less traumatic and that ended very differently. I am happy and grateful to have had my pregnancy experience with Myles. It is something that I will forever cherish. But, it's hard to think it may be my only experience. I often wonder if I was blessed with Myles to make my dreams come true. To let me experience pregnancy. To let me feel him move inside me. To let me nourish my baby with my body. To let me hold and cuddle the most amazing, most beautiful little person imaginable. To let me become a Mom and let J become a Dad. To give us the strength, inspiration and hope we would need to make difficult decisions in the future.

I often read and reread a quote that a dear friend shared with me and try to figure out what it means for me:

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do." -Eleanor Roosevelt

I just wish I knew exactly what that "thing" was.

Stupid nurse

Well one of the nurses at my local ob/gyn clinic just phoned me at the end of 3rd period (I'm not even sure how she got through to me as our phones go to voicemail during school hours?!) and before I could interrupt her to not tell me she blurted out the results of my beta. My beta hcg is only 19. This is the same level as it was with FET #2 and you all know how that ended. I expect this to be chemical #3 and miscarriage #4. I am now convinced that my body WILL kill any perfect embryo that is placed inside it (well except for Myles because he was an amazing little fighter!). Not much more to say.

Self restraint

Hello to all my wonderful, supportive blog readers,

Despite my overwhelming desire to POAS again I didn't. Ahh, self restraint. Well dh hid the tests too, so that may have influenced my decision. On a positive note I still have all of my symptoms, which is encouraging, and I've noticed another positive symptom, constantly erect nipples. Weird, hah?! I had that when I was pregnant with Myles, so I'm taking it as a good sign.

I'm sure you are waiting on pins and needles for my beta results, but you will have to wait until this afternoon. I am trying to exercise self restraint, which is quite difficult for me, by not calling until the end of the school day for my first beta results. This was my compromise to myself. I can't (okay refuse to) wait until Monday, yet I really don't want to find out smack dab in the middle of the school day. Trying to teach for the rest of the day would be nearly impossible in the wake of devastating news or even with great news. So, I will wait until school gets out at 2:30pm today (we have a 15 minute early release for Homecoming). As soon as the bell rings I'll be dialing the clinic's number and will post my results as soon as I get them.

Thanks for waiting with me, encouraging me, and praying for me!

POAS #2

Many thanks for the congrats and well wishes! I appreciate everyone's continued support and encouragement!

So, being the neurotic woman I am I tested again this morning. I was hoping for a darker line to show up, but was disappointed when the line showed up just as light as last night. I'm trying not to read into this, but given my history of chemical pregnancies I'm having a hard time not. I know a line is a line, but I would expect a darker line at 9dp5dt. This makes me wonder/worry if my beta levels are really low. I still "feel" pregnant and have most of the symptoms I listed yesterday, so I'm trying to think positive thoughts.

I have my first beta tomorrow and my 2nd on Monday, but my RE's clinic doesn't call with the results until they have the 2nd beta results. However, I have the blood drawn locally at my ob/gyn's clinic. Last time I called them the day of the 1st beta because I know that legally they can't withhold my medical information from me, so I just asked them to tell me the results of my bloodwork. Of course the triage nurse knows nothing about my infertility clinic's policy, so she told me the results. I think I'll have to "cheat" and do this again tomorrow. I'm hoping for an average beta (notice I'm not asking for it all), but don't have any expectations of hearing good news. Being a recurrent miscarrier sucks and makes being hopeful very difficult!

I finally conquered the pee stick ...

... at 7pm using way too dilute urine, but I saw a faint 2nd line. My instincts were correct and I am indeed BFP!! I used FRER and immediately ran to my neighbor's to have her confirm the presence of a 2nd line (J was at a meeting). I tried to take photos, but I can't zoom in close enough to see the light line. I will retest tomorrow using FMU and am hoping for a darker line!

Although I am very happy and grateful for the BFP, it doesn't mean that I should start picking out names and getting the nursery ready. I've had two chemicals and 1 late 1st trimester miscarriage, so I'm viewing this as the first step in many. Please send tons and tons of sticky dust my way because I need all I can get!

Symptoms on 8dp5/6dt

Okay, my attempts to remain calm and not obsess about potential pregnancy symptoms this cycle have totally gone out the window over the last two days. I am quickly losing control and my obsession is reaching an all time high! I think J is about to kill me (however I think he does enjoy me asking him to look at and touch my breasts every 5 minutes!). I'm dying to test, but fear the pee stick! I promised J that I would wait until today to POAS. He'd actually prefer that I wait for the betas, which are Friday and Monday. Um, hell no will I wait until Monday!

With FET #2 I got a + on FRER at 8dp5dt and this was a chemical pregnancy with low betas. I do not need to be told that the meds, like PIO, can mock pregnancy symptoms because I am fully aware of that. I'm an experienced infertile and veteran IVFer, so I'm not naive. I am simply trying to think that these are positive signs! Positive thinking won't hurt anything! :)

So, here are my symptoms (not in any particular order):

• Achy breasts (inside out)
• Overall cramping
• Backaches
• Pinching, lower abdominal twinges
• Sensitivity to smells that causing gagging
• Swollen, heavy breasts*
• Light spotting 7dp5dt (only a small amount of pink/light brown)**
• An overall "feeling" of being pregnant***

*The swollen, heavy breasts were "the sign" at 8dp5dt that led me to believe I was pregnant with Myles.

**Light spotting in IVF is common. It's also common when using suppositories, when on a blood thinner, and/or when pregnant with multiples. Also, it can be a sign of implantation. Since only a small amount was on my panty liner and on my Endometrin applicator once last night, I'm thinking this is a good sign.

***I've been pregnant 4 other times and I've always just felt "different". I have a similar feeling this time.

So much for not obsessing

I've been trying my best not to obsess over potential early pregnancy symptoms, but like the good Type A person I am I keep a journal. I've done this with my past IVF cycles, so I am doing it again. Every day past transfer I journal my symptoms and of course I compare them to the previous two IVF cycles, which both were bfps. I pay special attention to those I had with my pregnancy with Myles even though I know that every pregnancy is different.

Today I am 5dp5dt (and technicially 5dp6dt because one was a 6 day blast). I haven't felt much other than a few uterine twinges, which feel like pinching, sore back, panges radiating from within my breasts out (not sore to the touch though), and waking early. I had similar symptoms with Myles's pregnancy, but all of these could be attributed to PIO and Endometrin.

I am not brave enough to test this early. With Myle's pregnancy I didn't POAS until after my beta, but with my last cycle I POAS'd at 8dp5dt. I am considering testing at the same time this cycle, which would be Wednesday, but I'm terrified of a bfn.

Hoping my snowbabies are doing this today--2dp5dt

The day 5 blastocyst could be attaching to a site on my uterine lining.

The day 6 hatching blastocyst could be implantating and burying in my lining.

Please keep crossing your fingers that my snowbabies are finding my uterus warm and inviting!

PUPO

Well as we like to say in the IVF world I am officially Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise (PUPO). We transferred two day 6 blasts this morning. The transfer was relatively uneventful and quite easy. The embryologist talked to us about our embryos and they are still graded high (1 and 2 on a scale of 1-5 with 1 being the best). I thought both blasts were hatching, but only one of them was (the one on the left above; graded 1). The other blast that was graded 2 was still expanding from the thaw (on the right), which is why it looks a little "deflated".

My RE was very optimistic about the transfer and said that my lining had an area that was nice and thick, which is why he thinks I keep getting pregnant. He said with these great embryos and my lining he'd be surprised if I don't get a bfp! I'm hoping he's right! Also, my acupuncturist said that my pulses and tongue looked a lot better this cycle than they did with the last transfer. I left feeling optimistic about this cycle.

My 1st beta is scheduled for 10/3 and my 2nd beta is scheduled for 10/6. My clinic won't call with the results until both betas are in, so I'll probably POAS next Friday. I'd test on Wednesday, but I'd rather wait for the weekend to get the news. Please send some sticky baby dust my way!!

We're a go for FET #3

After my 3rd lining check FET #3 was confirmed for 9/23. My lining is very similar to what it's been in the previous two FETs--it's in the 6mm range. Of course I'm not thrilled, but also didn't expect anything different. By the time the transfer rolls around my lining will be in the 7mm range, so I'm content (not happy) with it.

I stopped the Viagra suppositories today, which makes me happy, but I'm to continue all the estrogen. I started Lovenox, PIO, and medrol today. I don't think my butt has recovered from the previous cycle's PIO shots, so I'm sure in two weeks I'll have a very sore rear. I somewhat forgot how much the Lovenox burns, but after the first few days I'll be used to it.

So, on Tuesday at 9 am I'll go to the clinic for my pre-transfer acupuncture session and will have 2 hatching day 6 blasts (assuming they both survive the thaw) transferred to my uterus at 11:15am. Please send some positive thoughts my way!

Lining check #1

Yesterday I went for my 1st lining check. After 9 days of estrogen my lining was around a whopping 6mm, which believe it or not is ahead of schedule **for me**. When I got pregnant with Myles my lining was this thick after several more days of estrogen and last cycle it wasn't even this thick (if you call it that) at this point. So, my RE says he thinks my lining will get between 7-8mm by transfer and we're fine with that. It was just under 7mm at transfer when I got pregnant with Myles.

I decided before going into this cycle that I wasn't going to obsess and fret over my lining. This is what my defective body can do and fortunately it's good enough for my embryos. Linings like this and even much thinner got be pregnant 4 other times, so I have to believe that it will happen again.

I added two Vivelle dots, which I am to change every Friday and Monday, and am to stay on 0.3cc delestrogen IM injections every other day, estrace pills vaginally inserted 4x/day, and Viagra suppositories 4x/day. I go back on Tuesday for another lining check and unless some strange thing happens where my lining starts shrinking (I don't count this out as stranger things have happened to me with IF) I will be doing the FET on 9/23. Hopefully one of the two hatching blasts we transfer will find my uterus warm and inviting and will nestle in for the long haul!

(I should add that I'm not looking for any suggestions on how to get my lining thicker because I've probably tried them all at one point or am currently doing them! ;) My RE and I believe that this is what my body can do and I'm trying to learn to accept it and hopefully embrace it.)

FET #3 is underway

I started estrogen today, so FET #3 is now officially underway! I have been on Lupron for awhile, but that never makes me feel like things have started. I'm doing IM estrogen injections every other day, vaginal estrace 4x/day, and Viagra suppositories 4x/day. The Viagra is to help increase blood flow to my uterus as I have a history of lining issues. I'm also still doing acupuncture.

I go next Friday for my 1st lining check and am tentatively scheduled for my FET on 9/23. We plan to transfer 2 of our 4 remaining snowbabies. All 4 are blasts. The two we decided to transfer are hatching day 6 blasts that were graded high when they were frozen.

I promised myself that I won't get too upset if my lining does what it normally does. I know that by transfer my lining will be 7-8mm and that seems to work for me (I conceived Myles with a 7mm lining), so I've decided that this is what my body can do. This is "normal" for me, so I have to let it be and think positive thoughts.

FET #3: 9/23/08

The nurse just called and my FET is set for September 23, 2008. I start bcp on Sunday and then will begin Lupron on 8/21. I will begin estrogen (vaginal pills and IM injections) on 9/4 along with Viagra suppositories 4x/day. My first lining check will be on 9/12. I'm hoping this FET brings me a belated birthday present!

Bring out the white capris and the witch arrives!

Well I decided to try a trick and wore white capris today in hopes that I'd lure AF out of hiding and sure enough it worked! After 9 days without meds I finally started bleeding. Now I can call the clinic tomorrow to get my FET schedule. Yeah! So, I'm guessing the tentative date will be 9/16/08.

FET #3

On Monday we met with our RE, Dr. S, and we discussed our next step. J, Dr. S, and I all agreed that we going to go forward with another FET in September. We will transfer 2 of our remaining 4 blasts. Dr. S is confident that we will get pregnant again. So far, we have a good record with IVF: 2 transfers and 2 implantations. I just hope the next one is stickier than the last and much less eventful than my first!

As soon as I start bleeding we can begin preparations. It's been a week since quitting the IVF meds and I still haven't started bleeding, which is really starting to worry me. Dr. S said he's not worried, but to call him on Friday if I still haven't started. It feels like my body wants to start doing something, yet nothing is happening. I plan to call the clinic tomorrow afternoon if nothing has happened, so we can draw some blood and figure out what the heck is going on. The last thing I want to happen is for this to mess up our plans for a FET in September. I just want my body to cooperate with me for once!

Miscarriage #3

First I want to thank all of you who came to give me cyber hugs and lend support. It means a lot to know there are others out there who understand what I'm going through. Many cyber hugs to all of you in the IF trenches and many congrats to those of you who've made it out.

Infertility sucks. Miscarriage sucks. Having to do IVF sucks. Preeclampsia sucks. Losing a child sucks beyond belief. Having to do IVF again sucks. Having a miscarriage after all of the previously listed "sucky" things that have happened to me sucks.

I got my 2nd beta results back and my beta hcg dropped to 7. So, this makes miscarriage #3 for me. Although this wasn't a surprise, it still stung a bit. I wasn't holding out much hope, but had that persistant thought of well maybe just maybe this could be my miracle. Seriously, who was I kidding? Miracles happen to other people not me.

I am saddened by the loss of my dream and I am horrified to think that my body may have caused the death of my embryos. I am starting to really worry that my body is a baby killing machine?! I want to believe that it's not, but I'm having a hard time putting any faith in this body whatsoever.

This loss compounds and amplifies my sadness over Myles' death. If he had been born in May as was planned, I wouldn't be going through this loss right now. I'd be cuddling and loving my sweet little boy. I'd still have 6 frozen snowbabies in the freezer. But, my life never goes according to plans and Myles came early and died far too soon. So, now rather than cuddling and loving my sweet boy I cry and long for him daily! And now I lost another baby. I've been pregnant 4 times and all 4 times I've lost my babies. I have a giant, broken heart along with two empty, aching arms.

Do I have still have hope after all of this? Depends on when you ask me this. Right now Myles still gives me hope. Will I keep trying? Today I say yes I will keep trying and I won't let it end this way. I will emulate my son's strength and courage. I will persevere. I have 4 snowbabies who are waiting for me and I hope that one will fill my arms and warm my heart after all this heartache. Infertility and preeclampsia have not won! I will not let them beat me!

I'm a baby killing machine

Hi, my name is Niki and my body kills babies.

I took 3 hpts this past weekend and all immediately came up as +. I was guardedly excited, but honestly didn't expect much. I told some of my friends that I was pregnant, but that I would probably end up having a miscarriage because "I was due for one." Boy did I predict that one ... today was my 1st beta and it came back at only 19. I can only assume that I am miscarrying given that the most sensitive hpt detects the lowest level of hcg at 25, which means that my hcg level must have been at least 25 on Friday. Therefore, my hcg levels have dropped and I'm having chemical pregnancy #2. So, that makes a total of 3 miscarriages (2 chemical pregnancies and 1 m/c at 12wks) for me and with Myles' death a total of 4 losses. Four pregnancies, 1 beautiful baby, and 2 empty, aching arms! :(

My clinic says they don't go by hpts and that I have to continue on my meds and wait for the 2nd beta on Wednesday. I asked what would happen if the level dropped and the nurse said I would be able to stop meds and wait to bleed. I immediately asked when I could start another cycle and she said as soon as I get a period I could begin things. Gosh, what kind of mommy am I to my snowbabies that are trying to hang on?! I'm already on to my next cycle. I guess I just wish it would have been a bfn as that would have been easier to deal with. Of course all of this shit makes me just miss Myles even more! It makes me wonder if I'm destined for a life of only being a mommy to a dead baby?! I just can't bear to live the rest of my life that way!

Then I ask myself these questions: Why do I keep doing this to my snowbabies?! Am I knowingly killing them by placing them in my body? Should I just quit and live my life as the mother to a dead baby? How can I continue to go through this over and over again? How much will be enough?