7 weeks - Our "Blueberry" Baby

Fridays are a day I typically look forward to after a long week of work, but now I will anxiously anticipate the arrival of Friday even more! Fridays are the day that K changes weeks in the pregnancy. Notice the ticker? Today K is 7 wks pregnant. Our baby is the size of a blueberry at this point! I still get a kick out of the fruit comparisons they use throughout pregnancy. One of K's friends mentioned how nice it would be to have a window into her uterus and I couldn't agree more. If we could see into K's uterus, this is what we'd see ...

(image above taken from http://www.babycenter.com/)

Is this real?

I keep asking myself that question repeatedly. It seems so surreal to me that we are expecting a baby. I don't miss the physical worries that accompany pregnancy for a recurrent miscarrier like me. I sleep better knowing that my baby is in a healthy, nurturing environment and don't have to stress about when preeclampsia is going to strike. I feel so lucky. However, it doesn't feel real. I think seeing the baby on ultrasound made it seem more real, but I'm not quite able to fully let myself feel this. Of course I'm still guarding myself. I'm hoping that with each passing day I will take down small pieces of this wall, so I can truly enjoy this beautiful journey!

I want to thank all of you for being so excited for us! You are a wonderful group of people and we're so fortunate to have you all cheering us on. Having all of you standing by my side means the world to me. This is going to be an amazing ride, so hold on to your seats!

I have some photos that I wanted to share from our 1st ultrasound:

I know how a pregnancy announcement can sting for those of you who are still in the trenches. IF is a horrible battle and after 4 years in and out of the trenches, I’ve experienced that pain. I know that you are happy for me and I appreciate that, but I also know that someone else's pregnancy is a tough reminder of what you don't have. I get that and I empathize with those of you who are going through that. As most of you know this journey has been a long, rough one for me just as it’s been for many of you. Sure I’m one of the lucky ones who gets pregnant, but I’m also one of the unfortunate ones who repeatedly miscarries. I’m also the rarity who got a very severe case of preeclampsia super early and had to deliver my son way too soon. I’m also the unlucky one who’s son wasn’t among the 85% who survive when born at 26wks gestation. So, I know the pain and sadness that IF brings. I refuse to forget the journey I’ve been on and will always be here to support my friends in the trenches.

Using a gestational carrier was initially a consolation for me. I didn’t enter into it lightly, but I definitely gave up a huge part of my dream. I would be lying if I said I didn’t want to carry another baby or that I didn’t dream about feeling him/her kicking around inside me. However, I came to a point in my journey where I knew I wasn’t able to have it all. I decided that putting my baby in a safer environment was more important than my desires. Mommies make sacrifices for their children every day and that’s what I did for mine. This baby is already loved and will enter the world under different conditions than I imagined, but this baby will enter this world from wonderful K's uterus into our loving arms in such an amazing, special way!

First ultrasound revealed ...

... one little bean with a strong heartbeat of 122bpm! :) Everything about the little one was measuring right on target--6 wks 3 days! I was a giant ball of stress and assumed I'd burst into tears at any moment, but didn't. Honestly I was in complete shock that we weren't getting bad news! I have been accustomed to hearing bad news, but I'm hoping that this is the first of much more great news to come! K seemed as cool as a cucumber and J was his normal silly self showing up just as K was getting wanded. I had my eyes glued to the screen for a flicker and as soon as I saw it I felt a sense of relief. When the u/s tech pointed the h/b out to us J whispered that he thinks its a boy! We go for a 2nd u/s in 2wks.

Anxious

I am so anxious for the u/s tomorrow! It's only about 18 hours away now, but it can't get here soon enough! I had a busy, fun weekend, which was a nice distraction, yet the excitement and nervousness were still there just under the surface. J and I agreed that if the u/s reveals bad news we'll be crushed, but know that we'd survive. The pain would be sharp, but in our opinion nothing will ever compare to the pain of losing Myles. So, we know that we'd deal with any potential bad news and we'd continue forward in our journey. Despite preparing for the worst news we are hopeful that we will get great news! K is the eternal optimist, so she's expecting some good news! Speaking of K ... she's now a true POAS-addict--K POAS on Friday afternoon and the test line showed up on the test before the control line! What have I done to sweet K?!

Tonight I will most definitely take a few Xa.nax to help me sleep and might even take one or two tomorrow afternoon before the appointment. I'm hoping that the hours fly by tomorrow! Both J and I will be accompanying K to the appointment tomorrow afternoon and I'm hoping to be able to get home quick to post an update before we head to my aunt's for dinner.

UPDATE ON POTENTIALLY BRAZILIAN WAX ...

It sounds like most who've done it say it was horribly painful. One of my good friends told me that it left her bleeding and eventually black and blue! Yikes! I'm not sure I should try this a few days before I spend over half of my day in a swimsuit. I am starting to chicken out. I admit I find it comical that so many of you are anxious for me to be the guinea pig! Well I haven't cancelled the appointment yet, so it's still possible that I'll go through with it. I may just have to keep to the tried and true method of grooming my girly bits--razor and shaving cream! I'll keep you posted.

Mexico & Brazilian Wax

**WARNING ... this post may contain TMI for those of you who know me IRL, so beware!**

In less than one month J and I will be sunning ourselves in Cabo San Lucas. We very much deserve this vacation as we haven't been on one since right before we began our TTC journey. I am currently tanning, which I absolutely hate, but have to because of my fair skin. While getting my hair highlighted and cut tonight I talked to my stylist about bikini waxing. I have always wanted to have a Brazilian wax and figured this is just the time to try it, so I made an appointment for a Brazilian wax in a few weeks. I'm not at all nervous about exposing my girly parts because after almost 5 years of IF it seems as though everyone's been down there! However, I'm mildly nervous about the potential pain. My stylist claims it doesn't hurt, but I can't imagine that it won't. So, have any of you had a Brazilian wax and if so how was it? Please be brutally honest ... I need to hear the good, the bad, and the ugly.

(Edited to remove potentially offensive words b/c J thought I was sharing way TMI. I figure that this is my space and I shouldn't have to censor it, but I did. I'm a biologist and don't mind using certain words that apparently might make others uncomfortable, especially some of my relatives who may read my blog.)

Thank you & Amazing K

Thank you so much for all of your amazing support! I can not tell you how much it means to me to have others remembering Myles with us. We survived the one year anniversary of Myles's death and are now remembering the days leading up to the day we buried him. At this time last year I was planning my son's memorial and burial service and quite honestly I don't remember much of it. I do remember that I cried very little during this week because I was in complete shock. Furthermore, I was so focused on having the perfect memorial service for Myles that I spent hours preparing for it. I figured that I'd never plan a birthday party or any other party for him, so I had to do this one thing right. I didn't want to have any regrets and honestly I don't have any. The memorial service and burial were a great tribute to Mr. Myles. I will post pictures from both services this weekend.

UPDATE ON K & THE PREGNANCY ...

All is well with K. Today she is 5wks 5days pregnant. She's feeling very pregnant too ... super tired (ready for bed by 7pm) , hungry all the time, sore/swollen boobs, and lower abdomen twinges. She hasn't had any spotting or m/s (she didn't have m/s with her boys either). K's boys have been reading to the baby(ies) in the evening. K said that her oldest son (7) rested his hand on her belly while he read to our little one(s). So cute! When K tells me about the things her boys do and say it always makes me smile. K's boys are wonderful little guys with big hearts and melting smiles! With a mommy like K it's a no-brainer that her kids are terrific!

Our 1st u/s is on Monday, February 23 (not Jan. 23 like I said in one of my previous posts, but I'm sure you figured that out), and it can't get here soon enough! I'm anxious, excited, and nervous. I have been trying to not worry about the bad possibilities and focus on the positives. Please keep praying for our little one(s)!

Saying Goodbye Too Soon

Around 4am on 2/15/08 (J's birthday) Myles was very awake and alert. Tanya, one of our favorite nurses, took some of my favorite photos of Mr. Myles in this state. It is very easy to see Myles's beautiful, sparkling eyes so full of spirit and life in these pictures. It's still hard for me to believe that just 12 short hours later the sparkle would be gone from his eyes.

When I looked into Myles's eyes around 4pm I just knew that he was leaving this world. I recall the NICU doc telling me to stay strong and think positively, but for the first time in 25 days I just had a really bad feeling. I talked to Myles and cheered him on through my tears. I touched him and tried to soothe him. I begged and pleaded with the universe to not take him from me. I prayed and prayed and prayed to anyone and everyone who would listen. The doctors and nurses worked tirelessly for almost 8 hours trying to do everything and anything they could to help Myles, but nothing seemed to be helping. Around midnight the same NICU doc who was present at Myles's birth told us that there wasn't anything else they could do for Myles and that his time on this Earth was coming to an end. The doctor told us to spend as much time with Myles as we wanted.

Both J and I took turns holding Myles. We kissed him, hugged him, told him how much we loved him and how proud of him we were. We tried to memorize every single aspect of Myles's tiny body.

As I held Myles for the very last time I tried to figure out how to let him go. I just couldn't bring myself to get the doctor to remove his breathing tube. I felt completely paralyzed and unable to move. J finally convinced me it was time. I was acting selfishly and I knew it. I had to let Myles go. I had to end his pain and free him from this life. I had to say good-bye. I was worried and didn't want Myles to feel any pain. The NICU doc assured me that Myles would go peacefully and that he wouldn't fight it. I held Myles as the doctor removed his breathing tube. I watched as the life slowly left my son's body. I felt his warmth turn to cold. Although I knew Myles was gone, I still couldn't let go of his body. My miracle baby boy who I'd spent so long trying to reach was now gone. Once again I was paralyzed. I was lost. J was in complete shock. Our son had died in my arms and we were now parents of a different kind. We left the NICU with empty arms and shattered hearts.

Myles Lee Anderson (1/21/08 - 2/16/08)

Kangaroo Care with Daddy

On February 13, 2008 Tanya, one of our favorite nurses, told us that we could do kangaroo care with Myles. I was really hoping that Josh would take his turn holding Myles, but he was nervous and had told me not to pressure him. Fortunatly, Tanya was able to get away with a little pressuring and somehow she convinced J to do it. Although I was dying to hold Myles again, I was so thrilled to hear that Josh would be holding his little boy for the very first time! After some maneuvering Myles was snuggled against J's chest. I could not stop smiling at the two of them--my two favorite boys! Of course I was a mess of tears as I looked on with so much pride and admiration. I had waited for years to see my wonderful husband holding his child. When Josh was holding Myles he kept saying "Myles is full of smiles." I couldn't agree more. I just knew that Myles was smiling from within as he snuggled with his daddy!

No Beta #3

First I want to thank all of you for the congrats! I feel so fortunate to have such a wonderful following in the blogosphere and am lucky to have people standing by my side who "get it". Hugs and love to all of you this Valentine's weekend!

My RE was happy with the 2nd beta rise and did not feel the need to have a 3rd beta. I had a VERY hard time not begging for one! I really wanted to push to have a 3rd level to obsess over, but decided that I should probably just let go and try to relax a little (ya right!) I had to ask myself what is the point of another beta? Sure it could give me more added comfort in knowing the pregnancy is progressing, but if it's not a "perfect" rise it could cause me tons of potentially unnecessary anxiety and lord knows I already have enough of that! So, I controlled my urge to demand beta #3 and will wait for the viability ultrasound on Monday, February 23. It seems like forever away and can't get here soon enough!

I am staying optimistic, which is much easier with K being so positive, and I'm trying to constantly remind myself that my baby(ies) is in K--a new and very much improved environment! Sure there is a risk of m/c just like there is with every pregnancy, but the likelihood with K is much less than it was with me. K's symptoms are ever-present: very tender and swollen breasts, constant hunger, and tired. K didn't have much nausea or m/s with her boys, so it doesn't bother me that she's not having any of that (and actually I hope she doesn't!). I didn't have much of that either with Myles. K hasn't had a single drop of anything other than Endometrin leave her girly parts, so that's encouraging too!

It's weird because I don't have an overall feeling of gloom, which I had with my last two IVF cycles. I feel good. I feel hopeful. I'm even allowing myself to dream ... I'm dreaming about K having our baby in the fall. I'm dreaming about what my summer in 2010 might be like with a little one (or two) to play with. This is huge for me! I never allow myself to dream of the possibility of a baby, so I'm taking this is a good sign!

Remembering Myles - 3 wks old

A year ago yesterday Myles turned 3 wks old. I took this photo of Myles on Valentine's Day last year. He was snoozing so peacefully. The little blue piece of fleece in the upper right hand corner of the photograph was a special piece of fabric--I wore it against my skin so it would smell like me. The nurses thought it would be comforting to Myles if he could smell my scent, so I would wear a different piece each day and we'd put the "fresh" one near Myles's head in the isollette. Myles slept on small pieces of soft blue fleece--mini "blankets" that one of the nurses and I made for him. I kept a few of them and sleep with one every night. It may sound silly, but it's comforting to me to have Myles's small "blanket" with me while I sleep. (Oh and in case you are wondering I do rotate the "blankets" and wash them regularly!) A close up of Myles sucking his thumb while he slept. You can see Myles's head lying on the little piece of fabric that I wore. I like to think that having my scent near him made him sleep better.

I love Myles just as much today as I did the day he was born. I miss him so much and think about him always. It really bothers me that so few people mention his name anymore. I think most are hesitant to speak of Myles in fear that I will have a breakdown at the mere mention of his name. Ironically it makes me more upset that I rarely hear his name spoken anymore. Just like any Mommy (and I am a Mommy) I am proud of my son. Just like any Mommy I love my son. Just like any Mommy I constantly think of my son. But unlike most Mommies I will never see my son again. I miss my son. I cry for my son. I long for my son. All I ask is that everyone remember and acknowledge I had a son and his name is Myles.

Beta #2

After much waiting, worrying, and dealing with delays at the lab Beta #2 is in ... 150! :)

The 1st beta was 50, so we tripled in 48 hours! We're over the moon excited with this news, but still being cautious! I'm guessing my RE will want to do a 3rd beta on Friday and then we'll schedule the 1st u/s.

K always tells me to smile and today I'm smiling huge! :D

Like a good obsessive infertile

I drove out to K's house last night, which is about 20 minutes from my house, to closely examine and photograph the pee stick she did at 3pm yesterday. I told J that I was going to K's house and he naturally asked what for. I told him that I was just driving out to drop something off. He pressed me for more information and I finally told him that I wasn't going to tell him because I didn't want to hear his critical response. J promised not to criticize me, so I explaine why I was going. With a completely shocked look on his face J proceeded to say "so let me get this straight you are driving over 20 minutes to examine a pregnancy test and take photos of it?" I said yes and he said something along the lines of thinking it was a little crazy. I fully admit that I'm a crazed infertile and that driving over 20 minutes to look at a pee stick in comparison to others seems completely normal to me. 5 years of infertility can make a girl a little nutty when it comes to reproductive stuff! I know all of you completely understand! So, without further ado here are the photos of the tests. The top test that's not labeled is the one that K did last night. I put it next to the tests from Friday and Saturday morning, which were done with fmu, and I think last night's test is as dark if not slightly darker than Saturday's. What do you think?

Kangaroo Care with Myles

This day a year ago is a day I will never forget--it was the day that I finally got to hold Myles for the very first time! It was also the first time I got to clean a poopy diaper (actually two!). While helping with Myles's cares Patty, one of Myles's primary nurses, suggested that I pump and then she'd help me do kangaroo care with Myles. Honestly I don't think I've ever been so excited for anything in my entire life. At 6pm I put on the fluffy white robe and prepared to finally hold my baby! Just standing in the doorway to Myles's isollette watching the nurses get everything ready was overwhelming and the tears just started to flow. I sat down in the chair and Patty ever so gently placed Myles on my chest. It was simply amazing! Myles felt so warm and soft against the bare skin of my chest. Holding my baby against me felt like the most natural thing in the world.
Josh took pictures of Myles and me for the scrapbook and then sat in the chair next to us looking on with pride and admiration. Patty took a few photos too and then shut the doors to the room and left us alone with our Mr. Myles. Both J and I talked to Myles and told him how much we loved him. We told him how proud of him we were. We told him to keep up the fight and that we were cheering him on all the way! At one point J kissed Myles on the head and told him that he loved him--it was one of the sweetest things I've ever seen!

I was so overcome with emotion, yet was trying to savor every single second that Myles was in my arms. As I held Myles I reflected on my journey and was grateful for each step that led me to Myles. While holding Myles I wanted time to stand still. I begged the universe to let the hour go on indefinitely. In my journal I expressed sadness at the end of the 1.5 hours of kangaroo care and said that my sadness was tempered by what I felt in my heart would be many more days ahead when I could cuddle and love my precious little guy. Unfortunately, my heart couldn't forsee the future. Sadnly I only got to hold Myles one more time before the night I held him as he faded away in my arms.

Beta #1: 11dp5dt

K just called and said the beta was 57. I know that this is within the normal range, but I can't help but worry given my history of miscarriage. K's been testing + since 5dp5dt and only has a beta of 57 today?! The analytical side of me thinks that this can't be good. It seems that we should've had a higher number today with all the + so early. This leads me to speculate that maybe we're catching the beta falling rather than rising. :( I know we could've had both implant earlier and now only one. The good news is that K hasn't had any spotting or bleeding. I just really needed a strong beta that wouldn't leave me questioning, wondering, and worrying. I really hope that we're not having another miscarriage. The last thing I need is the guilt of knowing that I've brought someone into our dark place of despair. We have another beta on Wednesday, so that will give us a better picture of what's going on.

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Okay, I'm trying to breathe deep! I just talked to my favorite nurse at my RE's clinic and she said that this is a completly acceptable number for a FET at this point. She reminded me that FETs tend to have lower, slower betas. When I said "yes, but what about the + 6 days ago? ... the number should be higher." She reminded me that many hpt's have been found to detect significantly lower than advertised pregnancy hormone levels. So, we just wait and hope for a doubling number on Wednesday. Thanks for all your kind thoughts, encouraging stories, prayers, and well wishes! K is doing an amazing job, so please keep cheering her on too!

K's Pee Party

Yesterday J and I went to K's house. I took the above picture while we were visiting to show the blogworld the results of K's pee party. The tests from Friday and yesterday are definitely darker than the earlier ones!

We brought K two more hpts--CBU digital! I love to see the word "Pregnant" and wanted the pics for my scrapbook. K took the test right after we left and "Pregnant" immediately popped up on the test's screen. She photographed it, but the photos are a bit blurry. Nonetheless I could still see the word "Pregnant" and it made me smile huge! We also took the following photos. K and I were holding the pee sticks from 8dp5dt and 9dp5dt.

J is being silly (as usual), but I still thought it was a cute photo. We are so excited and can't wait for the results of beta tomorrow!

K's bum says NO & Digital Test says "+Yes"

I'm still thinking of K's poor bum and wishing the soreness away. The 2x/day PIO must be killers! I never had to do more than one per day. I'm a little worried about what K's bum is going to look like after 5 more weeks of this if it already looks like this! Seriously, K you are one super duper trooper to go through this!

Thank you, thank you, thank you! I appreciate the congrats, well wishes, prayers and all the wonderful comments you are sending our way! It means so much for all of you to be so genuinely excited for us!

I didn't want you worrying, so I thought I'd let you know that the digital test confirms what the other tests have been telling us ... "+yes" we are PREGNANT! I am still excited and somewhat in a state of disbelief. I'm nervous and worried about the beta on Monday. I keep telling myself that K has a rock star uterus, so my little ones are probably nestled in for the long haul. I have to remind myself that my early miscarriages probably had to do with my f'd up uterus. Please keep sending sticky dust our way!

6dp5dt - SDFL

SDFL = Slightly Darker Faint Line

K is so wonderful and took this picture for me this morning! She understands my obsession and my need to scrapbook everything! As you can easily see the line is getting darker and I'm getting more and more excited! Last night while having dinner with our wonderful friend, "Deej", she said that pretty soon the acronym of the day is going to be HSIP = Holy $hit I'm Pregnant! J followed this with a comment about a potential acronym that scares him: HSIT = Holy $shit It's Twins! ;) We're just happy to get a bfp and are hoping, praying, and pleading with the universe to let this one (or two) stick!

Thanks for all the congrats! I have the best blog readers in the world! I'm hoping that as we progress through the week I'll have more photos of darker and darker hpts to post!

5dp5dt - VFP

Okay, blog readers. My wonderful, amazing GC, K, coined a new term for us--VFP! I think she gets a kick out of all of the acronyms we IFers use. So, what does VFP mean? Very Faint Positive! Yep, you got that right K did a hpt this morning at 5dp5dt and got a bfp!!! She said that she peed on it, set it down, put in the progesterone suppository, and looked at a double line! K said is was light, but definitely there. I wouldn't expect a super dark 2nd line at 5dp5dt and am hoping that it darkens each day this week! K wasn't going to test until 7dp5dt, but had the urge based on her symptoms. Plus, K admittedly isn't a patient person! ;) K will test again tomorrow morning. I'm hoping that she'll get a + dark enough to be easily seen on a photograph of the test, so I can post it for all of you to see! As you can imagine I'm over the moon excited while simultaneously being scared to death! Please blow sticky dust K's way and soothing thoughts to her sore bum from the 2x daily PIO!

Myles, Groundhog's Day & K

When I arrived to the NICU on this day a year ago to visit Myles I arrived to find a sign that said Happy Groundhog's Day! The significance of this day is that it was the first day that Myles finally got to "eat" my breast milk. I had been pumping every two hours and freezing it, so we had quite a bit stocked up for him. They were doing micro-feedings at 1/2cc every two hours to see how he responded. The day nurse, Shannon, could tell that the milk passed Myles's stomach, but that it would take awhile to pass through his intestines and into a diaper. I was so excited that I finally got to really do something for my little guy and coudn't wait to change his first poopy diaper!

The night nurse this day was our other favorite nurse, Tanya! She was so friendly and so supportive. Tanya loved taking care of Myles and indicated that she had requested to be one of his primary care nurses! We were so excited to know that he'd now have two nurses consistently caring for him. Myles was quite the popular and eventually had 4 primary care nurses!

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Being that I don't have my own symptoms to obsess about I've now started to ask K about hers. Apparently I can't handle the 2ww without having something to obsess over. K told me that her boobs are super sore today. She also told me that she had to go to the store to get OJ and she drank about a gallon today! K reminded me that this is what she craved and did while pregnant with both of her boys! I'm hoping these are some good signs!

Unfortunately today is one of those days when I'm feeling disappointed about the cycle and am convinced it didn't work. I'm sure most of you IFers know how that goes. I seem to have days like this in the 2ww of every cycle! I had several of them when I got pregnant with Myles. I'm hoping that tomorrow will be a day when I'm convinced it worked!