Thankful

We have so much to be thankful for this year. I do not take for granted how lucky we are for our two special gifts and say quiet thanks to K so many times throughout the day. Thinking of all of you and wishing you a safe and happy holiday.

Baby Showered

This weekend was a weekend of baby showers. On Friday night my STELLA girls hosted a quaint shower for me that was tons of fun! The monkey theme started with the adorable invitation continued to diapering the stuffed monkey and ended with yummy banana splits for dessert. I had a fantastic time and think everyone else did as well! We had many laughs, ate great food, and thoroughly enjoyed each other's company. The only thing missing from this STELLA event was the scrapbooking! Thanks D, A, B, J, and M--you girls rock!





Today I had another baby shower. This one was hosted by my two long-time friends, J and L. L and I have been friends since we were in kindergarten and we've both been friends with J since 6th grade. I love J and L dearly and can't thank them enough for working so hard (with my Mom's help) to make the day very special. I was so pleased that a couple of my friends from out of town were able to make it today (so good to see you M and S) and although two of my close out of state friends couldn't make they sent gifts to let me know that they were there in spirit (thanks B & Dr. E). Today's baby shower was the biggest one I've had, yet it was still personal and tons of fun.







I really am one lucky girl! The boys'nursery is overflowing with baby gear, their closet is full of adorable clothes, and I couldn't be happier. I am so thankful for K, her amazing gift, and for all of my wonderful friends and family! Thank you to everyone for sharing in our excitement! We are truly blessed!

We are having ...

... TWO BOYS!!

Well both babies have all their parts and look very healthy. I was awake all morning worrying about them having some major problems, like missing the important left ventricle of the heart, so this was a huge relief to me! Both babies are measuring about a week ahead, which was also a huge relief to us given our extremely IUGR baby experience, so all is good there. The tech asked if we wanted a sneak peek before she began her measurements and I of course said yes give us a quick peek! She moved the wand to Baby A (the one K predicted to be a girl) and before she could say a word J shouted out “I see a penis!” It was so cute! The tech said that J was absolutely right … Baby A is a boy! K and I were laughing at J and I was giddy with excitement! Next the tech moved the wand to see Baby B’s goods, which he was displaying quite proudly, and again we saw the boy bits! Yep, we are expecting two healthy baby boys! (I'll post the u/s pics of the babies tonight when I get home from P-T conferences.)

We are over the moon and can’t wait to start buying some boy stuff! J kept telling K how thankful we are for what she’s doing for us and it’s so true! We can never thank her enough for giving us such an amazing gift x2! K really is an amazing woman who is giving so much of herself to make our dreams come true! K is an inspiration and makes me want to be a better person!

Baby Shower

This is what I saw when I got the mail today. Notice that the stamp is a baby shower stamp and that the envelope is addressed to "Mom" ... K is so darn thoughtful! She even addressed my mom's invite to "Grandma". Awww! Inside the cute envelope was this absolutely darling invitation to MY very own Baby Shower! As K mentioned in her last post she's having a baby shower for me [frighteningly] early, but she wanted to host it and feel comfortable enough to make the food and do all the other hostess stuff. After freaking out a bit about how K would only be 22weeks I decided that having an early baby shower isn't going to make one bit of difference if something bad does happen--I'm going to be devastated regardless of how much baby stuff I have. So, early it is and damn straight I'm excited about it ... I'm excited to not just attend a baby shower, but to actually have the shower be a celebration of the babies I'm expecting! MY first baby shower is on November 1and then in December/January I'm having three more! It seems so surreal that these baby showers are for ME! I have so much to look forward to over the next few months leading up to the arrival of the babies! :)

33

That is my age today. It's my birthday. It's hard for me to believe that I'm 33 and still don't have a living child. I started my TTC journey when I was 28 and thought I'd be done having children by now. Don't get me wrong I'm uber grateful that I had my sweet Myles and that we are expecting twins, but you just don't forget the pain of infertility and miscarriage. You just don't forget going in for an ultrasound at 12wks gestation on your 30th birthday to discover that your baby died a week or so ago. I spent my entire 30th birthday crying in an ER because my first pregnancy after 1.5 years of trying had ended. That kind of pain sticks with you. And last year my birthday was even worse. I expected to be spending it snuggling Mr. Myles, but instead I sat crying at his grave. So, yeah birthdays aren't all they are cracked up to be for me.

This year my dear friends and family did their best to lift my spirits. My dear friend, A, greeted me at school with a tea latte and a card saying that she "hopes this year is my best yet". Another dear friend, B, left a card on my desk and gave me a big birthday wish in the hall. Many other friends and family sent cards, emails, and phoned me with birthday wishes. I am incredibly lucky to be loved so much and can't thank all of you enough!

The wonderfully, awe-inspiring, amazing K called to tell me that she snuck in for an u/s today at work as a birthday gift to me. My initial reaction was sheer panic when I heard those words u/s and birthday in the same phrase, but immediately I was relieved to hear that both babies are alive and well. Sweet little Princess (Baby A) was resting sucking "her" thumb and energetic little Ninja (Baby B) was practicing his karate punches on his poor sibling. K said that Baby B was all over the place flipping, kicking, and punching all the while Baby A peacefully rested despite the blows "she" was receiving. I couldn't help but smile thinking of my beautiful little ones thriving in K's womb.

Tonight my wonderful husband, J, took me to my favorite Thai restaurant and made me chocolate chunk brownies for dessert (not exactly diet friendly, but oh so good!). Now we are getting ready to cuddle on the couch, watch a movie and enjoy the ooey gooey, chocolatey brownies!

Special Delivery X 2

No, not that extra special kind of delivery that we all dream of, but the package that arrived is getting us one step closer to that! The Fed.Ex guy delivered my meds today at work and you would not believe the ridiculously large boxes the meds came in! I had a student go to the office to get the packages and of course my nosey students wanted to know what was in the boxes. I told them it was lab supplies because I didn't want to get into it. My students do know that I have infertility issues and that Myles was an IVF baby, but I don't intend to tell them that I'm cycling in June. I will have to miss a couple of my 1st period classes for monitoring, but I'll just tell them that I was at the doctor. I'm lucky that I have prep 2nd period and I supervise a study hall 3rd period because I'll miss those too on the days when I travel to my clinic for monitoring. The clinic is about a 65 minute drive one-way when the traffic is good and because of my all-inclusive shared-risk plan I have to have the monitoring done at the clinic.

This cycle I'm starting off with 150U of Meno.pur in the AM and 300U of Bra.velle in the PM. In IVF #1 I did 15oU of Meno.pur in the AM and 150U of Bra.velle in the PM, so I guess my RE is acting more aggressively with this cycle. He's hoping to stim me 10 days this time instead of 13 days like last time. Other than this change the protocol is the same.


The other special delivery came on Monday night. Remember I mentioned ordering matching t-shirts for K and I to wear at the next ET. Well they arrived and they are super cute! I took a photo, but don't want to post it until I give K her t-shirt on Saturday night. We are going to look so darn cute when we go for the ET!

I'm still dreading Sunday, but J informed me that we are going to get drunk and skip work on Monday. I thought he was kidding, but he took the day off on Monday. So, I'm taking it off also. I'm sure it will be necessary as I'll have an emotional hangover from the anticipated crying I will do on Sunday. I'm going to see my mom tomorrow and she understands that I just need to stay in the house and not face the world that day. The only place I will go is to visit Myles's grave. Other than that I'll be in my house, so I don't have to see little kids, babies, and/or pregnant women. What will you be doing on Mother's Day to make it through the day?

Bloodwork and Hope

My clinic sent K to have her hcg levels tested on Friday in addition to her progesterone levels. They called K today to let her know that her beta hcg was back to zero and her P4 was 15, so she has ovulated and will get a period in the next week or so. Tonight K has some "pink slime" when she wiped, so we think she might have full flow tomorrow or the next day. I am excited to schedule her SHG, so we can get our calendar! All you IVF vets know how important it is to us to get the official dates!

It's funny because I'm actually hopeful and optimistic again. I've said it before and will say it again ... my highs are high and my lows are low. I range from being completely hopeless to having so much hope that I allow myself to daydream about what might be. I have a dirty little secret to share ... I went to an on-line IVF due date calculator to find out the EDD if K gets a bfp with an ET on 6/15 (I'm estimating our ET to be around this time). The EDD for a singleton would be 3/2, which I could've guessed as I did my FET on 8/14 and my EDD with Myles was 5/1. I figured that most people would think I'm nuts, but when I told K she told me that she'd already figured it out herself! :) I love how we think alike so often and that we are both thinking positive thoughts!

Period after D&C?

My clinic won't schedule K's SHG or give us our IVF calendar** until she gets a visit from AF. Tomorrow will be 4 weeks since K had the D&C. So, we are wondering how long it took others to get their first period following a D&C. Also, if you could share what it was like that would be great. I'm not much help in this area because I didn't get a period following my D&C, but that's because I never get one (thanks PCOS!). I appreciate you sharing this with us.

**I should mention that I WILL get a hypothetical calendar from my clinic before the day is over! I've found that persistance and a tad bit of pushiness slathered in butter is helpful in the IF world. I have being sweet, yet demanding down to a science! ;) K and I are both planners and like to know what's in our future, so we just need to know when we might be doing an ER and ET!

Questions for RE

I'm always so humbled by your kind words and compliments, but want to reiterate that I'm not really all that extraordinary. We all face fear in our own battles and we all seem to find a way to face it and move forward despite it. I have to tip my hat to all of you too because I think infertiles (and their partners) and babyloss parents are among the most courageous people walking this planet. We are all so full of fear, worry, and anxiety, yet we still manage to brave each day. Also, I can not forget the amazing women who set their fears aside to help other's have a family ... surrogates are some of the strongest, most amazing, courageous women as well!

Thank you to everyone who answered my questions regarding the D&C. K is still spotting, which I've read has happened to some women up until their period arrives. Of course most women, including me, don't have that, which worries me, but I'm tyring not to stress about it. I would feel better if K had a beta drawn to get a better picture of what's going on, but she is comfortable waiting until her follow-up with the ob next week.

Also, I'd like to thank everyone who replied to my question about acupuncture. I want to clarifiy that I did acupuncture weekly for several months leading up to IVF #1, which I continued through all of my FETs. Additionally, I did pre- and post-transfer acupuncture sessions with all of my ETs (and K did it with the FET to her). I wasn't asking if I should do it before and after the transfer, but rather if I should do it during stimminng and/or leading up to my cycle. When I did IVF #1 with acupuncture we had a good response and 8 blasts, so I'm trying to decide if I should do acupuncture again with IVF #2 (preceding the ER). I'm still trying to decide what I should do. I'm thinking that I'll do it at the very least during my cycle. I do find it to be relaxing for the most part, but get a little stressed about the added costs associated with it. I'll keep you posted on what I decide to do.

Tomorrow afternoon we are meeting with our RE, Dr. S, to discuss the recent FET with K and make plans for a future IVF cycle. I am disappointed that we won't have the pathology results back from the testing that was done on the fetal tissue until next week. I was really hoping to have it back before our meeting tomorrow. Although we won't have a definitive answer to what caused the miscarriage, we'll discuss all of the possible scenarios and focus on the one likely culprit--a chromosomal abnormailty in the embryo (i.e., an aneuploidy). I have many things on my list to discuss with Dr. S, but here are just a few of them:

• Low E2 during IVF #1 - what impact did that have on eggs and embryos? what causes this to happen? will it likely occur in IVF #2?
• Egg quality - how did they look? does he suspect that they have problems? can we do anything with the protocol to try to improve it? at what point would we need to consider donor eggs?
• Embryo quality - how likely is it that most of my high-quality (A's) blasts have chromosomal abnormalities? what does the research say? at what point would we need to consider donor embryos?
• PGD - risks? benefits? does he think it's necessary? etc...
• CGH - (I know my clinic doesn't do it, but I want to chat about it.)
• Metformin - i was on this with IVF #1 should I go back on it for IVF #2?
• DHEA - can we test this? if it's low will he suggest putting me on it?
• Acupuncture - could it have contributed to my good response in IVF #1? does he think that not doing it will affect the results of IVF #2?
• Protocol - will we use the antagonist protocol again? will we add/change anything? will he shoot for low and slow stimming again or will he start me on a higher dose initially?
• Timeline - when can we do IVF #2? how does he feel about doing ER and freezing all of my embryos if we don't have a surrogate ready to go do ET right after ER? (I'm guessing he'll be fine with this because we did this with IVF #1 and had 100% freeze/thaw survival of our blasts.)
• Surrogacy Stuff - if K is able to move forward when would she be able to do an ET? what if K is unable to move forward with us? what if we have to find a new surrogate? logistics of finding a new surro? time frame of testing if we have to find a new surro? what about a dual transfer to me and a surro? (FYI--J is not down with this and made it clear he thinks it's a bad idea.) what if we don't have a surrogate? would he transfer to me? etc...

If there's anything that you think I should ask him, please feel free to provide some suggestions.

Bleeding after D&C

Okay, girls I need you to share your experience with K regarding bleeding after a D&C. When I had mine I bleed for about a week ending with some spotting. As of yesterday K was still having a pretty heavy, period-like flow. She is worried that they did a poor job and that she has "retained products of conception", which will result in her needing to undergo a hysteroscopy. Of course I hope she's wrong and that the bleeding is normal and tapers off soon.

After my D&C I did need to have a hysteroscopy to remove "retained products of conception" that were left behind, which we discovered when my betas weren't dropping back to zero. Per my urging my ob did an SHG 8wks post D&C and saw "something" in my uterus. That something was removed during the hysteroscopy and was biopsied and found to be leftover tissue from the pregnancy. As soon as the tissue was removed my beta dropped to zero. For me that whole process added insult to injury and didn't allow me to have closure for the cycle and loss. I'm really hoping that K doesn't have to go through this as she's already had so much to endure. Please share with us how long you bleed after your D&C.

Please share with us your experience.

Miscarriage is underway

I just received an email from K and she thinks the miscarriage has started. Last night she started having heavy bright red bleeding, cramps, and contractions, which have been pretty constant ever since. Just in time for her birthday--nice, hah?! I swear the universe has it out for us and punishes us and now those reproductively involved with us on our birthdays ... I found out the baby died on my 30th birthday in pregnancy #1. Myles died only a few hours after Josh's birthday. Now K is going through a miscarriage on her 31st birthday. Damn universe! We might just have to start celebrating our birthdays on a different day of the year!

K is such a trooper and toughed it out at school today and plans to go to her clinicals tomorrow. She really is one tough cookie, isn't she?! K said she's worried that she missed the baby (I asked her to collect the tissue to send to pathology for chromosomal analysis), but has received reassurance from a few she knows who've had a miscarriage that she will know. Although I'm a recurrent miscarrier, I can't provide much guidance in this area. I had a D&C with my first and the other three were early losses (5-6wks), which more or less resulted in an extra heavy flow. So, if you have any experience please share it with K. Also, please continue to think of K and pray that the process is over relatively quickly.

Mourning in Mexico with Margaritas

Per K's request we are going to go to Mexican as planned. We fly out early tomorrow morning. We are hoping that the sun and tons of tequila will be good for us as we work through the emotions of this loss. I am worried about K, but I know that she has an amazing support system in her husband, children, friends and family. I know she's strong and I know she will be fine, yet I still worry. I assume that a little break from us may be helpful for K. She may need some time alone to work through the emotions of the loss. I know it's a different set of emotions to deal with than mine, but I'm sure it is just as challenging (if not more). K so wanted this dream to come true for us and now she has to deal with the utter disappointment and the physical pain. I just wish her peace and healing in the process.

BTW ... for those of you who have been wondering I did do the Brazilian wax. My appointment was Wednesday night and I figured that with the emotional pain I was going through any physical pain would seem insignificant. I have to say it really wasn't that bad and I'd definitely do it again.

I'm off to soak up some sun, regroup, and drink muchos margaritas! I'll try to do at least one quick post from Mexico, but promised J that I wouldn't be blogging during our vacation.

Walking Through Flames

I am at a loss for what to say. I am moved beyond words by your kindness, compassion, sadness, mourning and willingness to be mad at the universe with us. We will ever so slowly pick up the pieces as we always manage to do. K is strong and I know she will weather the storm and will come out fine on the other side, but my heart still hurts for her and for us. I know K wanted to do this for us to help us realize our dreams and I know she was aware of the risks, yet I can't get over how unfair it is that she has to go through this. Someone who gives such a gift shouldn't have to suffer. We have been openly communicating and are doing are best to try to support each other through this. As K reminded me this morning "we're in this together". That tiny little phrase warmed my heart and took away some of the guilt I feel for putting K through this. I was reminded that we are a team and that although it's not going to be easy for any of us, we will perservere!

I am saddened that the universe teased me and dangled my dream in front of me only to coldly rip it from me again. You'd think I'd be used to the disappointment and sadness of a miscarriage being that this is the 5th one I've lived through, but I can't seem to grow accustomed to it. Despite my best efforts to guard myself and prepare myself for bad news I'm left shocked and devastated. As most of you know this little embryo had an extra special place in my heart as he/she was conceived with Myles and frozen with him. This little embryo was my last living connection to Myles and now it's gone and my heart aches. With every miscarriage after Myles my heart aches more for him. The losses take me to the dark place inside of me where I am certain that I will never have another child and that Myles was my one shot at motherhood and I f*cked it up. (Please don't lecture me on my guilt over Myles's death. I'm logical and know I couldn't do anything, but it doesn't make the hurt and guilt in my heart any less sharp.)

I looked to surrogacy as my hope for the future and I never expected that this would happen. After having a day to reflect and think, I'm still convinced that surrogacy is the path for us to baby #2 (or #3). A friend asked me last night why I don't consider adoption. At this point I don't care to get into all the details of why adoption isn't the appropriate path for us at this time, but suffice it to say that it just doesn't feel right to me. I felt strongly when pursuing IVF that it would lead me to a baby and it led me to Myles. Yes, I had to go through hell and back to get there, but I was blessed with my wonderful, amazing little Mr. Myles. I would do it all over again and go through more just to have him for a minute of time.

Others have asked questions that leave me thinking they wonder how and why I put myself through this repeated heartache? I realize that it's difficult for some people, especially those who have easily conceived their children, to understand how someone would continue to go through such pain and devastation. It seems sadistic. But I ask anyone who's a parent to ask yourself this question ... Would you walk through fire for your child? I'm certain you all would. I am doing just that. I just walk a little longer and through a little hotter flames. I may stumble through the flames, but I manage to get up again and continue to walk. I walk through these flames for the child I know in my heart awaits me in the future. I feel it in my heart that surrogacy is the path that will lead me to another child, so when, and if, K is ready we will try again.

8 weeks--our "blueberry" is now a "lima bean"

Thank you so much for being so understanding of my fears! I do know all the things that could be causing the brown spotting, I know it's old blood, and I know it is very normal and quite common with IVF pregnancies. Also, I know I need to stay relaxed, but it's much easier said than done. However, I am trying and K is relaxed, so that's good.

I just want to clarifiy that we did have an ultrsound on 2/23 that showed a strong heartbeat of 122bpm. Our next scan is to assess growth and will hopefully show a steady strong h/b again. Several of you asked if we could move up the ultrasound appointment to ease our worries, but it's just not possible. K is going out of town for a mini-vacation with her family, which she very much needs and deserves, and won't return until Tuesday night. Our u/s is scheduled for Wednesday morning. Fortunately I have a busy weekend planned, so that will keep my mind occupied. I'm practicing patience and before I know it Wednesday will be at my doorstep!

Today our baby is 8wks and one whole inch long! I read that the baby is now more like the size of lima bean, which botanically speaking isn't a fruit, but rather a seed from a fruit (remember I'm a biologist). Don't argue with me that lima bean pods are a vegetable because they are not--anything that contains seeds is technically a fruit! So, most of your classic grocery store vegetables (green peppers, tomatoes, cucumbers) are really "fruits". I digress. Other sources say the baby is slightly larger than a cherry, which I think seems a little cuter than a lima bean, but I'll stick with the term "bean" for this week.

Much is happening with our "bean" this week. At this point in embryonic development the ovaries or testes are formed, but anyone who says they knew of their baby's gender at this point is a lier, nuts, or some combination of the two. External genital formation isn't visible for several weeks and even at that point requires a skilled technician and a good machine. At this point the baby's fingers and toes are visible with some webbing while the head is still diproportionally large compared to the body. The brain is growing about 100,000 new brain cells every minute! By the end of this week all of his/her little organs will be primitively formed in their proper location. The other cool thing about the 8th week of development is that the baby will begin to have spastic movements (although K won't feel them for several weeks).

Here are some pics of what our little "bean" looks like this week:

(image above taken from http://www.babycenter.com/)

One brown spot

K called me and left a voicemail and then emailed saying to call her, which immediately made me worried. When I called her K informed me that she was worried last night that she might be having a miscarriage because she'd been having some cramping, but no bleeding. She said this morning it felt like her period was on it's way (not really painful cramping). She went to the bathroom and inspected the tp this morning (yep we've had a bad influence) and she saw a tiny, brown spot. Wiped again and nothing. Late last week the RE lifted the pelvic rest restrictions, so K and her dh took advantage of this last night.

K called her ob who explained to her that this was all normal and that she shouldn't worry. He even told her that I'd know and probably wouldn't be too concerned. Suprisingly I wasn't really all that worried. I didn't panic and actually breathed a huge sigh of relief when I heard K telling me about what had happened. This is SO unusual for me! I'm normally the one who completely freaks out about the smallest of things. I guess I remember the early pregnancy cramping and remember how I was always worried about it too. I know that brown is old blood. I also know that intercourse can cause bleeding in early pregnancy because of the highly vascular nature of the cervix. I know that bleeding with an IVF pregnancy is common. Plus, I just have a calm feeling, so I'm not worried and really don't want K to worry either. Please reiterate to K that all is likely well with the "blueberry".

7 weeks - Our "Blueberry" Baby

Fridays are a day I typically look forward to after a long week of work, but now I will anxiously anticipate the arrival of Friday even more! Fridays are the day that K changes weeks in the pregnancy. Notice the ticker? Today K is 7 wks pregnant. Our baby is the size of a blueberry at this point! I still get a kick out of the fruit comparisons they use throughout pregnancy. One of K's friends mentioned how nice it would be to have a window into her uterus and I couldn't agree more. If we could see into K's uterus, this is what we'd see ...

(image above taken from http://www.babycenter.com/)

Is this real?

I keep asking myself that question repeatedly. It seems so surreal to me that we are expecting a baby. I don't miss the physical worries that accompany pregnancy for a recurrent miscarrier like me. I sleep better knowing that my baby is in a healthy, nurturing environment and don't have to stress about when preeclampsia is going to strike. I feel so lucky. However, it doesn't feel real. I think seeing the baby on ultrasound made it seem more real, but I'm not quite able to fully let myself feel this. Of course I'm still guarding myself. I'm hoping that with each passing day I will take down small pieces of this wall, so I can truly enjoy this beautiful journey!

I want to thank all of you for being so excited for us! You are a wonderful group of people and we're so fortunate to have you all cheering us on. Having all of you standing by my side means the world to me. This is going to be an amazing ride, so hold on to your seats!

I have some photos that I wanted to share from our 1st ultrasound:

I know how a pregnancy announcement can sting for those of you who are still in the trenches. IF is a horrible battle and after 4 years in and out of the trenches, I’ve experienced that pain. I know that you are happy for me and I appreciate that, but I also know that someone else's pregnancy is a tough reminder of what you don't have. I get that and I empathize with those of you who are going through that. As most of you know this journey has been a long, rough one for me just as it’s been for many of you. Sure I’m one of the lucky ones who gets pregnant, but I’m also one of the unfortunate ones who repeatedly miscarries. I’m also the rarity who got a very severe case of preeclampsia super early and had to deliver my son way too soon. I’m also the unlucky one who’s son wasn’t among the 85% who survive when born at 26wks gestation. So, I know the pain and sadness that IF brings. I refuse to forget the journey I’ve been on and will always be here to support my friends in the trenches.

Using a gestational carrier was initially a consolation for me. I didn’t enter into it lightly, but I definitely gave up a huge part of my dream. I would be lying if I said I didn’t want to carry another baby or that I didn’t dream about feeling him/her kicking around inside me. However, I came to a point in my journey where I knew I wasn’t able to have it all. I decided that putting my baby in a safer environment was more important than my desires. Mommies make sacrifices for their children every day and that’s what I did for mine. This baby is already loved and will enter the world under different conditions than I imagined, but this baby will enter this world from wonderful K's uterus into our loving arms in such an amazing, special way!

First ultrasound revealed ...

... one little bean with a strong heartbeat of 122bpm! :) Everything about the little one was measuring right on target--6 wks 3 days! I was a giant ball of stress and assumed I'd burst into tears at any moment, but didn't. Honestly I was in complete shock that we weren't getting bad news! I have been accustomed to hearing bad news, but I'm hoping that this is the first of much more great news to come! K seemed as cool as a cucumber and J was his normal silly self showing up just as K was getting wanded. I had my eyes glued to the screen for a flicker and as soon as I saw it I felt a sense of relief. When the u/s tech pointed the h/b out to us J whispered that he thinks its a boy! We go for a 2nd u/s in 2wks.

Anxious

I am so anxious for the u/s tomorrow! It's only about 18 hours away now, but it can't get here soon enough! I had a busy, fun weekend, which was a nice distraction, yet the excitement and nervousness were still there just under the surface. J and I agreed that if the u/s reveals bad news we'll be crushed, but know that we'd survive. The pain would be sharp, but in our opinion nothing will ever compare to the pain of losing Myles. So, we know that we'd deal with any potential bad news and we'd continue forward in our journey. Despite preparing for the worst news we are hopeful that we will get great news! K is the eternal optimist, so she's expecting some good news! Speaking of K ... she's now a true POAS-addict--K POAS on Friday afternoon and the test line showed up on the test before the control line! What have I done to sweet K?!

Tonight I will most definitely take a few Xa.nax to help me sleep and might even take one or two tomorrow afternoon before the appointment. I'm hoping that the hours fly by tomorrow! Both J and I will be accompanying K to the appointment tomorrow afternoon and I'm hoping to be able to get home quick to post an update before we head to my aunt's for dinner.

UPDATE ON POTENTIALLY BRAZILIAN WAX ...

It sounds like most who've done it say it was horribly painful. One of my good friends told me that it left her bleeding and eventually black and blue! Yikes! I'm not sure I should try this a few days before I spend over half of my day in a swimsuit. I am starting to chicken out. I admit I find it comical that so many of you are anxious for me to be the guinea pig! Well I haven't cancelled the appointment yet, so it's still possible that I'll go through with it. I may just have to keep to the tried and true method of grooming my girly bits--razor and shaving cream! I'll keep you posted.

Thank you & Amazing K

Thank you so much for all of your amazing support! I can not tell you how much it means to me to have others remembering Myles with us. We survived the one year anniversary of Myles's death and are now remembering the days leading up to the day we buried him. At this time last year I was planning my son's memorial and burial service and quite honestly I don't remember much of it. I do remember that I cried very little during this week because I was in complete shock. Furthermore, I was so focused on having the perfect memorial service for Myles that I spent hours preparing for it. I figured that I'd never plan a birthday party or any other party for him, so I had to do this one thing right. I didn't want to have any regrets and honestly I don't have any. The memorial service and burial were a great tribute to Mr. Myles. I will post pictures from both services this weekend.

UPDATE ON K & THE PREGNANCY ...

All is well with K. Today she is 5wks 5days pregnant. She's feeling very pregnant too ... super tired (ready for bed by 7pm) , hungry all the time, sore/swollen boobs, and lower abdomen twinges. She hasn't had any spotting or m/s (she didn't have m/s with her boys either). K's boys have been reading to the baby(ies) in the evening. K said that her oldest son (7) rested his hand on her belly while he read to our little one(s). So cute! When K tells me about the things her boys do and say it always makes me smile. K's boys are wonderful little guys with big hearts and melting smiles! With a mommy like K it's a no-brainer that her kids are terrific!

Our 1st u/s is on Monday, February 23 (not Jan. 23 like I said in one of my previous posts, but I'm sure you figured that out), and it can't get here soon enough! I'm anxious, excited, and nervous. I have been trying to not worry about the bad possibilities and focus on the positives. Please keep praying for our little one(s)!