Personal Boundaries

 

Royal George, New River, WV 2016

Personal boundaries are the rules you set for what others may or may not do around you. Weak boundaries cost us our identity. Just as the havoc of a tornado invites looting by dishonest people, so too, weak boundaries attract needy and disrespectful people. Failure to set boundaries and failure to respect boundaries goes hand-in-hand.

Boundaries are complex and multifaceted.  A boundary is an imaginary line that defines, protects and establishes identity and scope (person, family, city, nation, culture, faith, time).  A plot of land without boundaries (fences, tree lines, highway, river) becomes an open plain for any and all.  

Without boundaries, its essence ceases to exist. Neither good nor bad of itself, a boundary provides essential limits.  Without personal boundaries, we lose who we are and become enmeshed in others; we cease to exist and in essence, anything goes. 

There are four essential areas in which to set personal boundaries:

1) Emotions - How will you communicate your needs or your feelings when offended?

2) Time - How much time and to what are you willing to commit? 

3) Values – What is your our highest ideal of you and how will you display it?

4) Possessions - What and how will you share?  Hint:  It is important to own before you can give. 

Give notice. Muster your courage and speak up. Inform of your boundaries and/or newly formed principles. Let people know you are learning new concepts and putting them into practice.

Enforce. When your boundary is disrespected, graciously make a clear request to stop.  Be firm, yet kind. Firmness shows respect for you and kindness shows respect for the perpetrator. Do not mistake kindness for weakness or passivity.

Disengage when necessary. It takes two to argue.  For the sake of wholeness, be willing to lay aside your opinions, your rights and your gloves. Do not be ruled by your emotions. Find the inner strength to detach from other peoples needs.  Not necessarily from the person, just from his/her neediness. 

Be assertive. Assertive is acting in your own best interest without harming another. Do not mistake assertive for dogma, anger or force.

Know who you are. When asked to prove his existence, the French philosopher René Descartes, responded, “I think. Therefore I am.”  Get in touch with the wonderful human being you are, think positive thoughts of overcoming and stand in amazement at your new existence. This is not to promote an over-inflated ego but a healthy self-love.

Change your environment. Indifference is contagious.  So too, success is contagious. It is not easy to change behavior.  It is easier to change your environment, which in turn will change your behavior. You decide what is normal by looking around you.  Keep an eye on your social environment, the one you are keeping and the one you are projecting.

The clean up after a natural disaster is time consuming and costly but well worth the effort. So to is the project of establishing personal boundaries; it is an investment in wholeness. 

Control: Internal vs. External

One meaning of control is “to have power over”. Regardless of our rank or position in life, the bottom line is: The only person over whom we have power of control is ourselves and to try to force this power over others is deadly to healthy relationship. 

Influence! Now that's something entirely different... 

Regardless of our rank or position in life, no one can control you to make you do anything you do not wish to do. We can cajole, threaten, humiliate, reward, bribe, punish or instigate other creative measures to control another, but if the upper hand is gained, it is only because he chose to give in to our demand. If we are willing to accept the outcome, no one can make us do anything we do not wish to do.

As the defiant lad said, “I may be sitting down on the outside but I am standing up on the inside!” 

The action may have changed but not the attitude. He lad was not controlled. The child chose to sit because to continue in his current action would bring pain. The child internally chose to externally control himself. The one issuing the mandate may mistakenly think he controlled the child.

And thus sets up the power struggle of the human condition.

When we push for control we make it about us. We overcome when we realize that the stress is more about us than it is about him. That is not to discount that he is being a royal jerk! It is to become aware that the only person over whom we have control is me and, therefore, I do not have to respond in kind to his behavior, attitude or offense.

Responding in kind is to give back in equivalent to what has been received. Just because he has been rude, impatient and aggressive, does not mean that I get to be defensive, frustrated and antagonistic. The less we exercise personal control the more control we try to wield over others.

Conversely, the more internal personal control we exercise – the more we choose to have power over our thoughts, our actions and our emotions – the less controlling we will be of others.

Everything that happens to you is self-created. Whenever you're responding to any

situation, whether it's a sip of coffee, or a traffic jam, or a love note, or criticism

from a boss, or rainy weather, you're in fact responding to a signal that you

generated within yourself.” -- Deepak Chopra

Once you buy into being aware and put personal responses into practice, you become empowered internally that influences externally. Control of self – your thoughts, your actions and your emotions - is a high form of power/control. Trying to control another backfires into making them push back with equal or greater force (whether that force is aggressive or passive).

When we give up external controlling techniques we are in a greater position to influence to the positive.

NEED A MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER: One of America’s most interesting motivational speakers can be enjoyed in person in a presentation tailored to your specific need. Whether organizational, business or civic, you will be entertained with her humor, challenged with her gift of uncommon insights, and motivated by her thought provoking poems. Contact Mona at 254-749-6594 or monadunkin@gmail.com 

Assertive Living

Assertive living is to be positive, confident, and self-assured. It is to be forceful in a polite manner that shows respects for yourself and to others. To be assertive is learning to be firm, yet kind. Firmness shows respect for yourself; kindness shows respect for the other person. Here are some other characteristics of assertive living:

I can express my needs in a clear, non-demanding way. We all have needs and it is alright to have those needs met as long as they do not impinge on another’s needs. Assertive living is to use your words to tell or to ask, rather than assuming or demanding.

I can graciously receive a compliment without embarrassment or discounting it. The confidence and self-assurance of assertive living lets you know you are a person of worth and value and when someone commends an attribute, you humbly say “Thank you”.

I ask questions when I do not understand or the issue is not clear. It is back to using your words. To be assertive is to not fake it or try to slide by. It is having a genuine interest in the issue and to ask clarifying questions.

I am fair with others while seeing to it they are fair with me. It is respecting boundaries. It is being courteous and polite. It is graciously accepting a “No”. It is graciously saying “No” when it is in your own best interest.

I am not concerned with winning, but with equalizing the balance of power. It is realizing I am a person of worth and value and you are a person of worth and value. It is learning to create win-win situations. It is solving problems in a manner that is most beneficial and fair to all.

I understand others have a right to express their wants, needs, feelings, ideas and desires. Assertive living is not just standing up for yourself and your rights, it is also allowing someone to voice a differing view from yours and - even though you may disagree with the statement – continue to still hold the person in high regard.

I can enjoy the assertiveness of others without being intimidated. As the Chinese proverb states, “Behind an able man there are always other able men.”


ASSERTIVE PHRASES

“I cannot respond to that right now.” “I need more information.”
“I like...” “I don’t like....” “I need….”
“I need you to…..” “I need you to stop…”
“I feel…” “I choose to….” “I choose not to…”
“Thank you.” “No thank you.”

Learning to Set Boundaries

A boundary is a line - visible or invisible - that defines and establishes identity. Boundaries (picture a fence) enclose and exclude to protect. Some invisible boundaries are beliefs, creeds, rules and regulations by which we order our lives. These bonds surround and define whether it be political, religious, military, civic, familial, gang or cult. This is who we are, what we believe, what we stand for and what we do. Without boundaries, you cease to exist. Here are some guidelines for setting personal boundaries.

Determine who you are. To establish who you are and who you want to become, clarify who you are not and what you will not allow. Examples: I am not a dumping ground or a punching bag. I do not like foul language so I will not use it or permit it in my presence. I am a person of value and will not be diminished, dismissed or disregarded. Controlling or allowing yourself to be controlled are equally destructive to a relationship.    

Speak up. Although being pro-active is preferred, in the learning stages post-active is okay. It is better late than never. Whether the issue is addressed pre, present or post, the other person may see it as nagging. That is irrelevant. Be confident that you are broaching the issue for the good of the whole. Yes, it will bring peace to you but know that it will also benefit others as they learn to become better citizens of family and society.

Be firm yet kind. Firmness shows respect for yourself and that your boundaries are not to be violated; kindness shows respect to the one being corrected. We teach people how to treat us. That they can dump or disregard and we will take it, or that we will not be treated in that manner. Until you become comfortable in speaking up, it may initially come off as hostile. Do not be put off by their off putting. Do not be intimidated and do not back down. As you become proficient in speaking up, your demeanor will be strongly soft and relationships will improve.

Change you; influence others. The only person we can change is us. Our changing greatly influences others. Human nature being the sheep-mentality that it is, most people respond in kind rather than being the initial change agent. I encourage you to be that influencing, initial change agent. Life is faithful to give us the lessons over and over until we either learn and the situation is relieved, or we learn and can stay sane and unstressed in the midst of the surrounding immaturity. Regardless, the limits we have set still hold whether they are respected in peace or in protest.

Picture it. Take a tip from professional athletes and see yourself making the shot before being on the court. In your mind re-live a boundary eroding incident and see you responding differently. See you specifically addressing an issue. Formulate the words needed that will clarify your position. Feel yourself being confident and politely forceful.

Learning to set personal boundaries may be intimidating but it is not difficult. Know that you are worth protecting and stand up for yourself. Work it, cause you’re worth it!

Life and Relationships

No matter the venue, from home life, to the workforce, salesmanship, community involvement, government, law enforcement, or to breakthrough science like Albert Einstein’s Theory of Relativity, it is all about the state or quality of relating.

“We are motivated by love, controlled by it, inspired by it, healed by it and destroyed by it.

Each of life’s challenges is a lesson in some aspect of love.” Carolyn Myss

1. Choose to respect others, while earning respect from them.

2. The only person you can control is yourself. But do you? Things over which you have control includes your words, your attitudes, your facial expressions, your actions, your thoughts, your choices, your feelings, your schedule, what you spend, where you go, with whom you associate, how hard you are willing to work, how to interact with others, and how you take care of yourself. If you do not set the tone and pace of your life, then someone else will set it for you and you will feel put upon.

3. You are always influencing others, either positively or negatively. Be a positive influence by remaining pleasant, even in a difficult situation. Hold the person in high regard as a human being with infinite worth and value, even if you disagree with his/her ideas, attitudes, or behaviors. Find something good in each person and in every situation. See problems as solvable and as character building challenges.

4. Discover the door-way to communication. Your attitudes and behaviors create a door-way to you as well as away from you. If someone behaves according to your specifications, it equals an open door. If the person interacts (intentionally or unintentionally) against your specifications, your door closes – partially, all the way or can be locked and bolted. Set the pace as the relationship builder by choosing to adjust your style so the result is open communication, win/win relationships, and lessening or removal of tension.

5. Provide an inclusive, accepting environment that gives room to grow. The tension here is that acceptance does not mean approval. Many relationships are harmed by failure to accept the person as he is because of disapproval of how he thinks or behaves. Trying to make this person change results in resistance. As relationship is built, the other person is in a greater position to receive your insights.

6. You do not have to attend every argument to which you are invited. Choose your battles. It takes two to argue. You do not have to acknowledge or try to correct every comment, behavior, or attitude. Ignore as much bad behavior as possible and commend acceptable behavior. Accentuating the positive sets the environment to empower eliminating the negative. As Ann Landers says, “Just because a donkey brays, does not mean you have to acknowledge him.” But you do need to be kind to him.

7. Focus on the problem, not the personality. Don’t take comments or actions so personally.
What is more important, relationship or being right? Relationship or your opinion?

Action Steps to Change

The only thing permanent in life is change. Only, if you do not set the parameters for change, then someone else will do it for you. Take positive control of your life by applying the following action steps to change.

1. Make definite decision to change. Wishing and thinking and planning will not bring about change. Decisive thinking plus action will.

2. Recognize the positive about change. See change as good and embrace it. Focus on what you gain, rather than what you give up.

3. Picture it. Imagining is a powerful tool to bring thoughts into reality. See yourself with skills, abilities and attitudes you want to develop, then watch in wonder as they come into being.

4. Better late than never. We often fall into the trap of “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.” Yes you can! And it will add spring to his step and life to his years. Give change a chance to prove itself.

5. Get out of your own way. Assess how you are sabotaging your efforts. Get rid of the mentality of “I can’t help it. This is just the way I am.” No it is not. It is the way you have habitually and mentally become.

6. You will never know unless you try. So try! At the same time, remember, “Trying is lying”. So do not just try, actually do it!

7. Stop the insanity – apply the breaks. Evaluate how you are plunging head long into destructive habits or attitudes, put on the breaks and steer into another direction.

8. Use positive self-talk. Utilize the creative power of the spoken word. You cannot hold two conflicting thoughts at once. Let the positive override the negative.

9. Visualize change in increments and grow into it. Growth comes from the acceptance of our limitations.

10. The key to the ability to change is a changeless sense of who you are. When you respect yourself and others, there is no level of success you cannot attain. Learn to please you and allow God to release you from being a people pleaser.

11. Change and expect nothing in return. Why? Because you are doing it for you. Let the positive change be its own reward.

12. You do not have to go back to square one. When you fall, get up and go on.

13. Saying “No” is one area is saying “Yes” in another. “Yes” to power. "Yes" to empowerment. “Yes” to caring. “Yes” to loving. Yes” to responsibility. "Yes” to discipline. “Yes” to wholeness. “Yes” to healing. “Yes” to humility. "Yes” to clarity. “Yes” to consciousness. “Yes” to life.

Nothing grows without changing. Keep dreaming and keep saying “Yes” to change. Ray Kroc of McDonald’s fame said, “It is better to be green and growing than to be ripe and rotting.” Do not rot. Keep growing, and change is growth.

2016 and Time to Take Charge of Your Life

Consider this: You personally have an internal force driving you to succeed. You have a heat-sensing mechanism that pulls you like a moth to a flame. Everything you do is actually your choice.

I love ironies. How fitting (?) that in the dead of winter’s cold and bleakness, we human beings are spurred to look beyond the immediate and project a better tomorrow.

Ah, the unyielding spirit of mankind. We have internal drives that push us to tackle another mountain or face another day or simply breathe another breath. These forces are internal and are not controlled by external powers, people or past experiences.

Dr. William Glasser, founder of Choice Theory Psychology, states that all human beings are motivated by five genetic instructions:

1. Survival or self-preservation (the need to have a full tummy and be safe)
2. Belonging (the need to fit in; to love and be loved)
3. Power or achievement (the need to be the winner or the first or the best; or at least not lose)
4. Freedom or independence (don’t tell me what to do!)
5. Fun or enjoying (the need for pleasure and entertainment)

These needs are universal. All seven-plus billion being currently living on planet earth, all those that ever have lived and all those that ever will live – all have these five needs. All have the same needs, just different expressions of getting the need fulfilled. We all eat. Universal tastes and menus are mucho varied.

Even though DNA has previously been said to mean “Do Not Alter”, the science of epigenetic are proving otherwise. Not alter in its entirety – the survival instruction is still there to keep you alive – but – through training - may be modified to cooperate rather than to dominate. The pleasure need never goes away. Through discipline and counsel, the obese can slim down, the addict can be restored to sanity and the perverse can live well behaved.

This is nothing new. People have been changing up or down the spectrum from time immortal. What is relatively new is a simplified correction course pioneered by Dr. William Glasser:

Choice Theory Psychology - everything we do is a choice (whether we are conscious of it or not
Take Charge of Your Life strategies - easy to learn, easy to apply and with amazing results
Reality Therapy method of counsel and self-evaluation

We can take charge of our own life by listening to and heeding our own wisdom heart. By becoming aware of our genetic instructions and how they may have run amok. By realizing we are choosing every action we take and re-think, thus reprogramming and reinventing ourselves – becoming our best self.

“Whether you think you can or think you think you can’t -- you’re right.”

Henry Ford, Founder of Ford Motor Company

Ah, yes, the unyielding spirit of mankind. I like to look at Spirituality as being a sixth need, thus making our internal motivators a purring six-cylinder. Spirituality (the need to connect to the invisible; Divinity, dreams, goals, generations past, generations future and mysteries of life.

May 2016 be your best year yet as you courageously take charge of our life.

http://glassersunbelt.com

Steps to Healthy Confrontation

The need to confront can be a stressful situation. As with most things, the problem is not the problem; the problem is how you see the problem. 

When the need arises to approach someone about a touchy situation, I like to call it “care-fronting”.  The premise is this:  I care about you.  I care about me.  I care enough about our relationship that I am going to confront this issue. 

 

That attitude puts a whole new slant to confrontation.  It sets the stage for you being firm, yet kind.  It sets the stage for the other person to be more willing to listen to your position, and be able to respond with his viewpoint.  It sets the stage for resolve.

 

1.  Work through your anger.  When emotions go up, as in anger, thinking goes down.  Take a walk and give yourself some “think time” so you will be cooler and more objective.

 

2.  You initiate the contact.  Whether you are the offender or the offended, find the courage to graciously approach the other person and confidently broach the subject.  Make the opening remark non-threatening, such as, “I value our relationship and there is something I would like to talk with you about.” 

 

3.  Set a convenient time.  Not only do you ask permission to speak, you also ask for a convenient time and place.  “I need to speak with you about something I see as very important.  Is now a good time?”   

 

4.  Be pleasant and positive.  Start by expressing your appreciation of the person and his/her contribution to your life/workforce. 

 

5.  Broach the subject in a general way, and obtain permission to challenge the issue.  A suggested approach would be, “I am concerned about the lack of communication between this department and shipping.  I would like to see if we can work something out.” 

 

Often a person will become defensive due in part by an offensive approach.  If an abrasive crow bar is used to pry information, the person will respond by hammering his mind shut.   

 

6.  Use “I” statements.  Communicate the issue from your point of view.  Admit you have given thought to the problem and need clarification.  Give your perspective.   

 

7.  Allow the person to give her point of view, and choose not to be offended by anything she says.  Filter out the tone of voice, and hear only the words.  Listen without pre-conceived ideas or foregone judgments. Encourage honesty and openness.  Do not interrupt or give “Yes, but” counters. 

 

8.  Seek understanding and solution.  Sometimes agreeing to disagree is a solution; but don’t just disagree, continue to hold the person in high regard. 

 

Relationship Building Tip:  Give compliments in public; reprimands in private. 

  

Peaceful Communication

We act on the way we think things are, not on the way they actually are. Use the following insights to improve your communication.

1.Discover the door-way to communication. Attitudes and behaviors create a doorway to you as well as away from you. If someone behaves according to assigned specifications, it equals an open door. If the person interacts (intentionally or unintentionally) against specifications, the door closes – partially, all the way or can be locked and bolted. Learn to recognize behavioral styles and adjust your style to permit open communication, win/win relationship building and lessening of tension.

2 Use your words. Words are powerful. Once spoken, they cannot be retrieved. Weigh them. Measure them. Gauge them. Use them in positive and creative ways. Do not shrug or give vague answers.

3. Information is power. Ask. Tell. Be truthful. Do not exaggerate. Eliminate “always” and “never”.

4. Determine the attitude you project in times of conflict and discover ways to temper it. Non verbal communication accounts for 55% of the message.

5. Use fair judgment; of yourself and of the other person. Do not excuse and do not accuse. Be realistic. Ban blaming.

6. Set boundaries, limits or conditions. Get to the point and do not beat around the bush.

7. Focus on the problem, not the personality. This helps you to take yourself out of the emotional issue and be more objective.

8. Say less. Avoid “victim deafness”. Address the issue before it gets out of hand, do not nag, and do not beat a dead horse.

9. Use “I” statements. It is difficult to argue with a person’s specific point of view, so speak only for yourself. Put the communication monkey on your own back. Use the following formula: “I feel _________, when you __________, because ________.”

10. Don’t take comments or actions personally. You do not have to acknowledge every comment, behavior or attitude. Be willing to overlook some bad behavior to avoid “tone deafness.” Develop compassion by realizing everyone acts out of his/her hurts, frustrations and rejections.

11. Choose your battles. Do not make every issue an issue. It takes two to argue; it takes one to stop. Make the relationship more important than your opinion. When relationship is the most important, others are freed to be willing to listen to your point of view.

12. Know when to let go. Make molehills out of mountains.

Effective communication is also an asset in relationship building; it does not keep another guessing.

Take Charge of Your Life

 Take

Charge

of Your

L  I  F  E 

As a tribute to the late Dr. William Glasser you are invited to attend a free presentation based on his book Take Charge of your Life. The focus in this course is application to one’s personal life. It is involves the empowering notion of making our own choices in every area – thinking, feeling, acting, relating, responding… The concepts are easy to learn easy to apply and produce amazing results.

Learn How to Get What You Need

• Gain effective control over negative feelings such as anger, guilt, depression and choose more positive thinking behaviors
• Become more self accepting and less critical of others
• Learn specific techniques for resolving conflict - inside oneself or with others
• Add happiness and connect better in important relationships

The sessions will cover…

• Knowing what you can control and what you have no control over
• Needs, wants and things that are important to you
• Relationship habits
• Perceptions that shape our reality
• Behavior choices

Date: Friday, June 6, 2014 

Time: 9:00 AM to 4:00 PM (lunch on your own) 

Location: Hotel Indigo - 211 Clay Avenue - Waco, Texas

Preregister to receive a downloadable Participant’s Manual

Mona Dunkin, 254-749-6594

mona@monadunkin.com

For June and July 2014 schedule this introductory course to be presented to your business, school, church or civic organization.

• There is no limit to the number of participants.
• It can be taught in one 6-hour session, two 3-hour sessions or three 2-hour sessions.
• A limited number of spaces are available. 
• Call today. 254-749-6594 Mona Dunkin 

Dr. Glasser has written many books based on human behaviour. He will always be remembered for founding Reality Therapy Psychology, resulting from his experience and research in a mental hospital and a correctional institution. He described how he believed people chose their behaviour and could therefore alter it. Counselors, psychologists, social workers and educators enthusiastically welcomed his work and began implementing it in schools, clinics and correctional institutions. As time passed Dr. Glasser developed an educational reform program now known as "The Glasser Quality School". Dr. Glasser's Eulogy

To schedule Take Charge of Your Life for your business, school, church or civic organization, please contact Mona Dunkin, 254-749-6594.  A limited number of spaces are available.  Call today. 

Choosing Humility

Humility is a do-it-yourself job.

You may humiliate yourself through some ill-thought out behavior or even deem that another has humiliated you - usually by their having seen a chink in your armor - but choosing to be humble - in the face of great accomplishment or heartbreaking failure - is a personal choice, rooted in a true understanding of humanity. Humble is derived from the Latin word humilis, meaning low or lowly and is the same root word in humus (ground) and homo (man).

Humus… human… humility; all have the same root word. Humility is recognizing our humanness. We humans are on equal footing - good and bad, positive and negative, giving and selfish, shadow and light sides. It takes humility to accept both in self and others.

There are five ways of dealing with humiliating situations; the first three comes to us rather naturally and are more destructive than constructive. Doing those things that come naturally often gets us into big trouble. The later two have to be learned, cultivated and nurtured; they entail choosing humility.

1. Passive: suppressive, avoiding problems, gives in; mentally says, “I’m uncomfortable.” “I’ll withdraw. “I’ll get out.”

2. Aggressive: attacks others, demanding, abrasive; mentally says, “I can take care of myself.” “I win, you lose.” “I’m right!”

3. Passive-Aggressive: indirect, sneaky, underhanded, sabotage; mentally says, “I’ll give in, but I’ll get you.” “Got-cha!”

4. Assertive: open, honest, mature, mutual respect; the mental attitude is, “I have worth and value and you have worth and value.” “We may disagree and I’ll still hold you in high regard.”

5. Overlook: Recognizing personal limits and making healthy choices. The mental attitude is “Live and let live.” “ I choose to forgive.”

Learning to overlook an offence requires humility.

There are two questions that can never correctly be answered “Yes”. One is, “Are you asleep?” The other is, “Are you humble?” To answer either in the affirmative belies reality.

One may think of self as being humble, yet has difficulty accepting a simple compliment. It takes humility to graciously receive a flattering remark even though you may think your performance not up to par or deem your hairdo as the worst cut ever.

To respond in a self-depreciating stance, to deny another’s assessment or to launch into defense of the defect is actually to lapse into a false humility.

Learning to graciously respond in humiliating situations requires rigorous self-honesty. You cannot become truly honest and examine your actions and attitudes while in self-denial. As long as you stay in denial, you deceive yourself into believing your actions and attitudes are right. Remove face-saving masques and allow honesty to give fresh perspective.

When you, with God's grace, choose to get honest and to change, you begin to like you better, in a healthy way. You are working on the do-it-yourself project of being humble.

Agreement vs. Appeasement

Have you ever been guilty of agreeing when you did not really agree only to be caught up in a conundrum?  Then, because the non-agreement was not a contract – it was just a front to avoid the unpleasantness - you went on your merry way doing whatever you chose?  And it backfired on you?  It damaged your credibility? It cast doubt on your ethics? It may have even done damage to the relationship? You were called to task for not acting on your pseudo-agreement?  You find yourself stuck in excuses and rationalization and justification?   

 

“Oh what a tangled web we weave when we practice to deceive.” Sir Walter Scott

 

One may think that agreeing to appease makes things easier, but does it really? It may pacify for today, but what about tomorrow? Or next week? Or ten years down the road? Does mollifying place strain on the relationship? Is each non-truthful act another blow to the dividing wedge?

 

What will continue conciliating do for your health - physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually?

 

Stuck is when you keep moving and it’s time to be still. That rubbing movement causes friction that leads to provocation, the very thing your false agreement was trying to avoid.

 

In a moment of stillness, consider the hard truth that no one likes to be pacified. You do not like it. S/he does not like it. Although we absolutely cannot read another’s mind, yet there is something mystical about knowingly/unknowingly discerning what is truth or lie.

 

You perceive legitimacy/falsehood in others. They perceive legitimacy/falsehood in you.

 

The current moment is attached to all your future moments. Make them ring true.

 

Think with the mind and know with the heart. Be proactive by deciding in advance how you will response when the faithfulness of life and relationships presents this scenario again. Decide your truth beforehand. Not for a canned or condescending reply, but for comfort and flow.

 

Sometimes a person will “agree” with an aggressor as a way of stopping communication. Take a moment to dialogue with yourself to find your truth then verbalize it rather than deflect. If your agreement is not true, summons the courage to speak your truth in love. “I think I understand where you are coming and I do not agree.”  “It is alright with me if you fill-in-the-blank and I choose not to be a part.” Note that a simple “and” instead of a “but” softens a descending comment. 

 

See the value in the relationship. As you work to repair the damage, respect will bloom again. 

 

Need a speaker?  Need a Life-Coach? Contact Mona at mona@monadunkin.com 

Overcome Taking Things Personally

 

“No one can make you feel inferior without your permission.”  Eleanor Roosevelt

 

At a potluck dinner a woman’s contribution was several gallons of unsweetened tea.  A man in the line sarcastically asked, “What, did they not sell sweet tea?” 

 

The woman took it personally and became offended. The comment was more about the man than it was about the woman.  It showcased his selfishness of wanting things catered to his likes and his apparent laziness of adding sweetener.  It was more about him until she intercepted it and made it about her.

 

Taking things personally is agreeing while disagreeing and becoming upset. It is a selfish response that assumes everything is about you.  When you make it all about you, then you feel the need to defend yourself. Or go prove the other person wrong by trying to impose your way of seeing things onto them.  This produces conflict.  Even if it seems directed at you - “What did you do to your hair?” - maybe it is not about you.  Maybe she is having a bad hair day and taking it out on you.  Take yourself out of the middle with a neutral, “Sorry” or “Yea, I know.” 

 

By choosing not to take the comment personally, you are in a position to honestly evaluate if it is truth or not.  If the comment is untrue, choose to overlook it and pleasantly change the subject. If it is true you still have choices.  On the positive, you see the offender as helping you grow; you acknowledge the wound and determine steps for self-improvement.  On the negative note, you embrace the wound and add to your victim status.  You view the offender as keeping you down.

 

A friend of mine has greatly improved his relationship with this family as well as his own well-being.  How? He chooses to see their criticism as a misdirected way of showing love.  After all, criticism is a disconnecting way of making a request. 

 

Why be offended by truth?  For example, suppose someone calls you fat.  If you are not fat, you can more easily see how the offensive remark is more about the other person than about you. She is hurling attacks in a misdirected way of trying to make you look bad and her look good. If you are fat, why be offended by the truth?  Did the statement really make you aware of something you did not already know? 

 

Taking things personally is suffering for nothing.  Evaluate: Did you take the comment personally because the statement hit a sore spot? Perhaps it highlighted a habit you are not disciplined enough yet to correct?  Perhaps it was because of a bur in the relationship. If your best friend had comment about your hair, how would you have responded? 

 

It really is all about you.  In the unsweetened tea example, the man could have picked up a packet of sweetener and said nothing about only one option of tea.  The woman could have nicely handed him a packet of sweetener and said nothing about the comment. Although we can choose not to take comments personally, a pleasant outcome to a negative situation is more about us than it is about them. 

Joys of Journaling

“I began these pages for myself, in order to think out my own particular pattern of           

 living… and since I think best with a pencil in my hand, I started naturally to write.”

Anne Morrow Lindbergh, Gift from the Sea

 

Thinking with a pencil in hand is an excellent way of knowing yourself. Journaling is a discipline I began in the early 1970’s and it is a luxury I continue to give myself. I journal as a way of “getting it out of my system” so I can interact with people in a more loving, kind, non-threatening, affectionate way.  Reflection on self and others is at the root of integrity. Journaling is a mirror that helps to bring resolve by being more objective; it gives me insight into my actions or reactions.

 

“The trouble with following the crowd is — it’s crowded.”  Infinity Car Commercial

 

Journaling helps brings emotions and thoughts into perspective.  There is something concrete about seeing your thoughts in black and white; it helps bring clarity and meaning, rather than just having them bounce around in your head, “driving you crazy”.  Journaling helps to bring these controlling emotions into control and makes them more manageable.  It gives you an opportunity to see what you do believe and what you want to hold on, or want to discard. 

 

Journaling is a sounding board from you to you.  It like talking to another person, only to one who truly understands what you are saying and who can genuinely help you find solutions.

Journaling helps to express the intensity of your emotions without harming the relationship.  You can express hate without devastating the one hated; or at least the one you hate at the moment. And when you realize the emotion is not really burning hate but a deep frustration, you are more at east being with the offender knowing you have not deliberately wounded him/her. 

 

Journaling is a catharsis that helps clarify in writing what you have difficulty speaking.  It is a self-awareness skill that leads to overcoming.  Journaling helps you to listen to yourself, to seek resolution and perhaps leads to relationship building ways to reconcile with those who have hurt you (or whom you have hurt). 

 

Journaling encourages you to make time for yourself and for spiritual quiet time.  Journaling helps to process deep and raw emotions.  It gives access to levels of understanding that otherwise would have remained elusive.  It leads to the possibilities of writing stories and teaching materials directly from my own wounds, which brings healing to myself and to others.   

 

Not only can journaling help you come to terms with present situations, is a way of keeping a history of your life; recording thoughts, emotions, remembrances of days gone by, special moments with children, mate or friends. It is a way to record experiences you do not want to forget.  It is a way of expressing your life to future generations (should you ever choose to share them). Failure to journal is a waste of wonderful memories.  Go ahead; discover the joys of journaling.



Assertive Living

 

Assertive living is to be positive, confident, and self-assured.  It is to be forceful in a polite manner that shows respects for yourself and to others.  To be assertive is learning to be firm, yet kind.  Firmness shows respect for yourself; kindness shows respect for the other person.  Here are some other characteristics of assertive living:

 

I can express my needs in a clear, non-demanding way.  We all have needs and it is alright to have those needs met as long as they do not impinge on another’s needs.  Assertive living is to use your words to tell or to ask, rather than assuming or demanding. 

 

I can graciously receive a compliment without embarrassment or discounting it.  The confidence and self-assurance of assertive living lets you know you are a person of worth and value and when someone commends an attribute, you humbly say t with equalizing the balance of power.  It is realizing I am a person of worth and value and you are a person of worth and value.  It is learning to create win-win situations. It is solving problems in a manner that is most beneficial and fair to all.

 

I understand others have a right to express their wants, needs, feelings, ideas and desires. Assertive living is not just standing up for yourself and your rights, it is also allowing someone to voice a differing view from yours and  - even though you may disagree with the statement – continue to still hold the person in high regard.   

 

I can enjoy the assertiveness of others without being intimidated.  As the Chinese proverb states, “Behind an able man there are always other able men.”

 

 You will be well on your way to assertive living when you easily incorporate the following phrases into your communication.      

 

“I cannot respond to that right now.”   “I need more information.”   

 “I like...”          “I don’t like....”            “I need….”

 “I need you to…..”                               “I need you to stop…”  

“I feel…”          “I choose to….”          “I choose not to…”

 “Thank you.”   “No thank you.”

 
Try it.  You'll like it. 

Root Causes of Anger

Anger is a legitimate emotion and is common to all.  How often we give into angry expressions is a personal choice.  As we learn to be aware of the roots of anger we can “nip it in the bud”. 

 

A major cause of anger is when a need is not met, whether the need is real or perceived.  We act on the way we feel things are, not on the way they are.

 

Two of mankind’s greatest needs in life are to love and to be loved. The feeling of being loved results in personal stability and confidence. Feeling unloved produces insecurity, hypersensitivity and anger. Striving for unmet love leads to becoming dependent on another to prove your self-worth. It allows inner thoughts and emotions to be dictated by external circumstances. 

 

Another factor in anger is when one’s worth is questioned or one feels devalued.  Without the confidence of independent thinking, others are used to validate who one is, his beliefs, actions and behaviors. 

 

Another root behind anger is when one’s views, convictions or beliefs are threatened. Everyone has opinions and everyone has things she values. Holding on to them too tightly for fear of being proved wrong, is expecting others to authenticate those things that shape your outlook, principles and faith.  

 

Anger breeds unforgiveness toward those who do not esteem you (as you need to be esteemed), who devalue me or who trample my beliefs. 

 

When one lives a lifestyle inconsistent with core beliefs, an unexplained anger toward self and life is displayed.  If you believe in “God, mom and apple pie”, yet do not reverence the divine, do not respect your heritage and eat peach cobbler, you have set yourself up for anger.  If you believe in morality, yet live immorally, you set yourself up to self-destruct.  If you believe in honesty, but fudge on expense accounts, speed limits and income tax, you set yourself up for anger.  If you believe in integrity, yet tell “white lies” or askew the truth to make yourself look good, you have set yourself up for anger.  To violate the truth held in one’s heart is to self-destruct.  How can you adjust your lifestyle and attitudes to your congruency?    

 

Low self-esteem and over-inflated ego. Self-image is the picture you have of you, true or false. Self-esteem is the value you place on you, high or low. Self-worth is the reality of your intrinsic value and dignity as a human being regardless of externals. Failure to accept the gift of yourself leads to anger with life.

 

An attitude of entitlement. This is displayed in a mind-set of “I didn’t ask to be born so somebody owes me.  Mom owes me. Dad owes me. Siblings owe me. My friends owe me.  My boss owes me.  The government owes me.  Somebody owes me!”  The truth is, life is the greatest gift God and your parents gave you.

 

Although anger has its place, to have one’s personality marked by anger does not.  Become aware of your frequent angry by making an x on your calendar every time you become frustrated. Recognize your hot buttons and steer clear of them. Change your stance; sit down, lower voice, breath deep, recite mantra or count to ten. Deal with the real issue; evaluate what is really bothering you.

 

 

 

Saying "No" Without Guilt

“Problems cannot be solved at the same level of thinking that created them.”

Albert Einstein

Does the thought of saying “No” fill you with anxiety? That to turn down a request sets you up for guilty feelings? Do you think a “Yes” equates inclusion, importance, security, - love?

I remember distinctly learning this lesson many years ago. It has served me well ever since.

A friend in financial straits asked me to buy her stereo. Wanting to help, I obligated myself to the purchase. I failed to realize I was hurting me by obligating myself to financial stress.

I checked and double checked income verses outflow. I rationalized that although it would be difficult to pay, the melodious music would make it all worthwhile.

Reality dawned that the pain of having a huge chunk taken out of my next several paydays outweighed the pleasure of surround sound. In comparison, the stress of turning down a friend request was minimal

The decision was the hardest part.

Once the decision was made the weight lifted instantly. I could continue to live within my income. I had a new found appreciation for my radio. I could still listen to sweet music without the added expense of buying records. I felt so relieved. So non-guilty.

I said my “mea culpa” and recanted my agreement to purchase. We remained friends.

Through self-evaluation, my level of thinking had elevated to solving the problem. And a wonderful new pattern of living was set into motion. Namely:

· Life is about making choices: “Yes”; “No”; and owning up to misspeaks
· The freedom of saying “No” overrides and releases guilt
· Be judicious in making commitments; think it through first
· It is always need vs. need
· Do not be influenced by assumed obligation

A simple “No” or “No, thank you” is the most effective way to begin. It is complete, all-inclusive and leaves no room for argument.

Stress is living outside your boundaries. Rather than be suckered in with “I should” thinking, replace it with, “I could”. This small shift gives you time to evaluate before making a decision. Give yourself a little wiggle room with, “Let me check my calendar and get back with you”.

Feel good about saying “No” to things that tax your time, finances, emotional stability, commitments, family responsibilities or your over-all well being.

Conflicts and Resolution

With so many different personality traits interacting, conflict may seem inevitable. Take heart, it does not have to be permanent. Conflicts can be resolved. Resolve comes from a Latin word meaning “to loosen”. Thus, conflict is solved when we loosen our grip on being right or having it ‘my way’. Make relationship more important than being right.


I define conflict as “having opposing views without grace.” It does not matter with whom the opposing views are (you with you, you with your heritage, you and God, you and another) conflict ceases to be conflict when seasoned with grace.

Conflict happens through unchallenged beliefs. To blindly accept hand-me-down lore as the only viable way closes one’s mind to the wondrous variety of humanity. It is okay to identify with one’s culture, just not to the exclusion of others. Each ethnicity has valid worth.

Everything has a trade off. In all relationships there is give and take for the good of the whole. I could have a fulfilled life without ever playing “Hi-Ho Cheerio” again. Because I love my grandchildren, I lay my preference aside for their benefit. While I may not be excited about the game, I am thoroughly involved in building relationship.

Choose your battles. When you do engage, stick with the issue at hand. Do not ambush with a “stack attack”. Bringing up past transgressions as evidence for present conflict does nothing to solve bring resolution. State your position but have no point to prove. Use “I” statements. Communicate from your view.

Choose your attitude. Never take the position “I am right and you are wrong.” Be open to the fact that you could be wrong. Even if right in facts, could be wrong in attitude. Let your words be seasoned with grace. There is a difference in an answer and a comeback. A comeback engenders strife whereas an answer gives or asks for information.

Take comments seriously, but not personally. Take yourself out of the middle; be objective. Focus on the problem, not the personality. When do you want to know that the boat won’t float? There may be genuine value in the information given. Leave the emotions behind. Listen to the words rather than presumed hidden agenda. If the encounter turns ugly, back off, take the high road by choosing to not be offended.

Participate in the wonderful dance of life. For the sake of relationship, agree to disagree while continuing to hold the person in high regard. Know when to let go. Choose to flow. As my jitterbugging arthritic friend proclaimed, “You can’t be uptight when you’re dancing.”

Leave a comment. mona@solutionprinciples.com

Need vs. Need

We all seek completeness, thus the age-old adage of “opposites attract.” Introvert and extravert are attracted to each other because they see fulfillment in their spouse. Only what attracts initially, can - over time - become the thing that irritates the most.

This frustration arises when one tries to bring the other around to his/her way of seeing, living and enjoying life. The dissatisfaction becomes: “Why can’t you be more like me?” “How can you be so insensitive?” “Why can’t you understand me?” “We can’t communicate.” “He/she doesn’t care!”

Unknowingly it becomes a control issue of trying to get the other person to change. Psychiatrist William Glasser suggests that it is difficult, if not impossible, to have a caring relationship with someone who wants to change or to control you or whom you want to change or to control. It’s a two-way street.

It is always need vs. need. Your need verses his/her need. Your need verses their need, with their being everyone else in the world with whom you interact, individually or collectively.

To prove our completeness, we need to fit in and get along with people important to us. We need to make our own decisions and feel good about the outcome. We need to feel important and to be appreciated for who we are and what we accomplish.
Here’s the rub: So does he/she and so do they, individually and collectively. These are deeply ingrained psychological needs. To disavow them leads to mental issues. And to relationship problems in the home and work force.

Your needs are best dealt with individually and being okay with who you are. This allows more wiggle room to adjust, negotiate and compromise with all those difficult people in your life. He is a people-person, you are a loner. She is gung-ho, you are laid back. They are party animals, you prefer conservative gatherings. He/she is energized by something that drains you. You need close companionship; she/he needs freedom for personal pursuits.

Each of those is okay. Determine where you may need to limit your interaction with those of opposite temperaments while giving them the freedom to be who they are. It is easier to be tolerant in small doses.

Determine where you may need to expand your interaction with those of like-mindedness and being okay with that. No one person can fulfill all your needs; that is why we need others. Make plans accordingly and always keep those dual needs in mind without trying to force, cajole or manipulate them around to your way.

Flawed and Fabulous

You are fabulous. Regardless of what Jane/John says (fill in appropriate name) you are great. You are a being of infinite worth and value. You are a unique and special one-of-a-kind individual, a work of art with a designer label.

You are flawed. Regardless of what ego trip you may take, you are imperfect. To determine your authentic fabulous self from a generic-follow-the-crowd-brand starts with asking and answering some difficult questions.

Nothing shapes relationships and success like the picture you have of you. The trouble is that we often assume our identity based on hearsay, and therefore, give too much weight to what others say. Or to what you think others think. Although you are a product of your environment you can choose to not be victimized by it. Disillusionment sets in when you feel you are not good enough.

When you think about you what do you say? What is your self-talk? Do you feel you are not capable? That you do not live up to another’s expectation of you? That you do not deserve the position or the accolades?

Do you feel anxious when you make a mistake? Do your actions testify that on some level you believe that your mistakes make you a bad person? Listen to your self-talk. Although you may disagree intellectually, doesn’t insignificance feel true on some gut level?

A mistake is a mis-take (miss take). “Back up the trolley” and give yourself a do-over.

Should vs. could. “I should have” is weighty. “Shoulds” brand you emotionally as an idiot. “I could have” is empowering, giving new insight to do the do-over with more wisdom, grace and accuracy. The “I should” take up wasted space for “I could” action.

Should is past tense, focusing on doing something yesterday that is virtually impossible. Or “I should” can be used to placate being lazy or refusing to take action. They add to your self-view of being flawed. It is also stress-producing.

Could is present tense; look at the reality of now and the ability of you to do or to learn to do. Determine what you could do and enhance your self-view of being fabulous. Decide what you could do, do it and disassociate with should. Enough said.

Speak up. Assertive is a freeing way to live. It is learning to be able to speak up for fabulous you without undue anxiety. It is learning to say "No" or "Yes" only when it is in your own best interest. Say "No" and feel good about it. Say "Yes" when you have the energy, time and resources to do so without depleting you. You cannot give out of an empty basket; assertive is taking care of you so you can joyfully give to others.

Assertive is easy to learn and effective in making life better and improving relationships. It is becoming your own person so the wonderful, fabulous person God has created you to be shines through those pesky flaws.

Share with us how you are fabulous inspite of flaws.