Home for the Holidays

The holidays are filled with family, friends, laughter, parties, decorating, shopping, cooking --- and stress. How do you take pleasure in celebrating without stressing? Allow the following thoughts to put you more at ease and increase your enjoyment.

Focus on the real issue. Holidays are about remembering a meaningful event – the founding of a free nation, the virgin birth of Christ, the miracle oil that burned eight days, celebrating family, customs and culture. Do not allow the focus to be packed calendars to prove your status in the community, or elaborate decorations to showcase your talents, or lavish spending as a display of your generosity (and pending debt).

Surrender to family time and just enjoy being together. Sure, Uncle Joe might be a bore and your in-laws a little overbearing, but they are family. Approach the visits with the right attitude and a forgiving spirit. Let your guard down and do not be so sensitive or too critical. Allow the mistakes of yesterday to pass with yesterday and enjoy the holidays without incident. Your mate was by choice, the rest are by chance, so breath deeply, laugh spontaneously and embrace the loving energy that family brings. Live one day at a time, and appreciate that one day for what it is and for who you are.

Keep it simple sweetie. A gourmet sandwich with a relaxed host is more enjoyable than a seven-course meal with an uptight party-giver. Stay within your budget when gift giving and par down the list of recipients. I suggest that buying less and paying cash for holiday expenses upfront will help you get back the true spirit of the season. After the holidays, buying less and paying cash for the needs of life will help get back the true meaning of living.

Be creative. In decorating, greenery, ribbons and lights are quite elegant. Make a centerpiece of a beautiful bowl filled with pinecones and springs of holly gathered from the woods. Add ribbons to cookie cutters and hang on the tree. Replace wire ornament hangers with sparkly ribbon. For a festive look, intertwine garland of gold or silver around pictures or non-holiday nick-knacks. Find excitement in seeing how you can take existing items and give new life with small changes. Use the Sunday comics as wrapping paper.

Attach new meaning. Change your mindset toward the things you have. When our daughter was young I wanted to buy new exciting tree decorations and discard the old. It was not in our budget. Instead of seeing it as the same old stuff, I began to look at it as tradition. We used these traditional ornaments for the next twenty-five years and they grew more special each season. They have been gently retired to the attic.

If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter. The invitations were sent before the monsoon rains came and disabled our rural septic system. What to do? Without mention of the problem we welcomed our guests and continued the festivities as planned. When a guest had to go to the bathroom, he was greeted by a decorated port-a-potty and a smiley-faced sign: “Please do not flush the commode. If you prefer, Wal-Mart is five miles down the road.” The party was enhanced as others shared humorous stories of similar predicaments.

Memorize and live the Prayer of Serenity. Most people know the first four lines of Reinhold Niebuhr’s Prayer of Serenity, as they are used in all the twelve-step recovery programs. I encourage you to meditate upon the entire poem. (see below)

DON’T COPE, OVERCOME: Holiday is the shortened form of the term holy day. Holidays are times of renewal. Allow your creativity to be rekindled, spirit to be renewed, relationships to be rebuilt and the holidays will indeed by happy.

PRAYER OF SERENITY

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

the courage to change the things I can,

and the wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time,

enjoying one moment at a time;

accepting hardship as a pathway to peace;

taking as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it.

Trusting that You will make all things right if I surrender to your will;

so that I may be reasonably happy in this life

and supremely happy with You forever in the next.

Reinhold Niebuhr

Let Go and Let Go

It has been said that the only thing permanent is change.  Many seem to think that the world’s change is on a downward slope morally, politically and relationally.

The totality of the world is an aggregate whole comprised of what we each believe as well as the wide variety of what our fellow life-travelers believe. We can know each other in peace and harmony only as we respectfully choose to try to understand each other, whether that is culture, life experiences, education or religious texts.

Disagree without shunning, exclusion or manipulation. Be true to yourself while allowing the other to be true to him self. I don’t see it the way you do. You don’t see it the way I do. Let’s break bread together. Maybe both will be enlightened. “In the breaking of bread their eyes were opened”.  

Choose to see a spark of Divinity in everyone and to treat each accordingly. We have a responsibility to stand up for those who are oppressed. Not to brow beat their choices but to graciously give room to grow. Understand that we are vital to each other and take pains to be a part. Go beyond tolerance all the way to genuine compassion. Start by choosing not to view the other as the other.

Even though Pope Francis views today’s morality as a threat to “the identity and survival of the family: father, mother and children” he also asserts - “Who am I to judge?” *

It may seem to you that I am riding the fence trying to be all things to all people. If I know my wisdom heart, it is for a loving Christ-like graceful inclusion that lumps all us sinners into one melting pot. Compassion for all sides requires the courage of humility. Except for the grace of God there go I.

Though we may disavow it, we mortals take comments of our adversary more seriously than those of our admirers.  We may rebel against their comments by trying to prove them wrong, only to find them right. Look for the good in others without compromising your own beliefs. 

De la Serna, Pope Francis’s Argentine friend said this about him: “He won’t change doctrine. 

What he will do is return the church to its true doctrine – the one it has forgotten, the one that

 puts man back in the center. For too long the church put sin in the center. By putting the 

suffering of man, and his relationship with God, back in the center, these harsh attitudes 

toward homosexuality, divorce, and other things will start to change.” *

We are all sinners. Those of us saved by grace are still sinners. Our confession of sin – from the minor to the major – brings immediate forgiveness and cleansing. God’s ear is not deaf and his arm is not short. He hears and answers immediately; we are forgiven and set free. We can breathe and laugh and dance and enjoy life.

So why do we stay entangled in the same ole, same ole? Could it be that we don’t believe that God’s loves us? Could it be that we don’t trust him?  Could it be that we dictate how the issue is to be solved? Could it be that we don’t follow Jesus’ hash tag to healing? #goandsinnomore?

The answers are within. Find them. Settle them.

A man was desperate to incorporate the phrase, “Let go and let God” into his life. Using colorful paper, he painstakingly cut out each letter and pasted them in a prominent place. His daily goal was to view and repeated it several times. Days passed and doubt still loomed large. He did not know how to ‘let go’ let alone how to ‘let God’.  

One morning he was inspired anew as he read the sign: “Let go and let Go ”.

The adhesive had lost its grip and the letter ‘d’ fell to the floor. Pursue truth and be surprised by the mystery

*Will the Pope Change the Vatican? Or Will the Vatican Change the Pope? By Robert Draper, National Geographic, August, 2015 

Practice Makes Permanent

Autopilot programs an airplane to steer according to a preset pattern. In much the same way our early training encoded us to certain ways of thinking and behaving.

If those patterns do not currently serve us, thinking about the process of acquisition or even understanding the mechanics does not turn the autopilot off. Thinking and understanding may help you see the possibilities for change and the freedom it would bring; but they only prolong the inevitable, which is action.

So what action is necessary?

Actually, the action is to practice.

It is to practice something counter-intuitive to today’s busy lifestyle. It’s a spiritual practice. It’s the spiritual practice of breathing.

One may protest. "Practice breathing!" "Surely you jest." "I breathe automatically."

Right. We unconsciously breathe like we are on – say - automatic pilot?

Consider: When you are anxious, do you hold your breath without realizing it? You are not even aware of it? Or so excitable that you hyperventilate?

How is your breathing during angry or fear or rushing? Is your oxygen intake shallow? Or do you fully engage the lungs and diaphragm?

The adage “practice makes perfect” is true only when we practice with pure intention. When we continue without meaning, purpose or aim - as in autopilot - we stay in the same ole rut.

Understanding does have its place – which is illumination – never for blame.

We are born into families whose beliefs, mannerisms and values were imposed on us. This is called conditioning. Right-on or off-target, good or not so good, nurturing or neglectful, their conditional climate set the atmosphere in which we were reared.

We learned family function/dysfunction dynamics. We learned what seems to work and what seems not to work – and in the process, we creatively formed our own function/dysfunction to join with or protest against. This is called adaptation.

We learned it so early and so completely that neurological pathways were ingrained in our brain to the point that we behave as though “that is just the way I am” and “I can’t help it.”

By default we pass on the same human condition. The contradictory condition of either following established patterns or rebelling against them or both/and.

Although your ancestors – immediate and far-flung (back to the fifth generation) – contributed to you being you, do you really have the right to blame them for your lack of happiness or success?

Although you have made your share of errors do you want your offspring blaming you for their lack of happiness or success?

Are we not each self-determining? Are we not a product of our free-will choices? Do we not have the ability to love anyway and still rise above?

“As a man thinks in his heart so is he” Jesus

Or so he becomes. To become who we were created to be is aided by focusing on our breath.

Huh? What?

We begin to realize that we do have some control over an otherwise natural function. Deliberate breathing is the practice of internal music and harmony.

It is the practice of hearing your soul’s still point wisdom. It’s the practice of honest meditation that transforms potential energy into actual energy.

It’s the spiritual practice that carries you emotionally back into the arms of God from whence we came. It is the practice of transformation into permanence. It is the proverbial caterpillar into becoming a butterfly.

Invite Mona to speak to your group. mona@monadunkin.com

Put First Things First

In a cold February, Valentines and love celebration is a welcomed warm spot.

But what is love anyway?

• Is it a word we casually attach to people, pets, pleasures, places and provisions?
• Is it a fickle emotion we precariously fall into and out of?
• Is it something we take for granted?
• Is it something we demanded when it’s absent yet discounted when it’s genuine?
• Is love an illusion?
• Is love the only thing that is real?

Dr. William Glasser, founder of Choice Theory Psychology, identifies love as a genetic need that drives us to belong. Love is a physical and psychological need to fit in.

Love is a spiritual need that drives us to fit into our world. When loved the way we need to be loved, we are more whole and content. 

Love is the need for relationship. From the cradle to the grave life is all about relationship. No matter the venue – home, workforce, salesmanship, community, government, law enforcement, time, money, energy or breakthrough science like Albert’s Einstein’s theory of relativity, it is all about the state or quality of one thing relating to another.

• It is about one thing -you - relating to one thing - me.
• Love is about our relationship with those near and dear to us.
• Love is about our relationship a Supreme Being.
• Love is about our relationship with self; being comfortable in our own skin.
• Love is about our relationship with stuff (time, money, energy, possessions.
• Love is about our relationship with the rest of the world- as in the IT Tech in China, all the drivers in all the cars on the highway in this universe, all the workers in all the business in all the cities and townships, and all seven-point-two-billion souls on planet earth with unknown names and unseen faces.
• Love is about our relationship with theories, science,politics, religion, education.... the list is endless.

WOW. That’s a lot to relate to.

How do you cultivate a loving relationship? How do you nurture, develop and grow love for self let alone for all of humanity? How to you sustain love for those “near and dear to us” when they are flawed?

And that brings us to the title of this article: Put First Things First.

Put First Things First is actually habit #3 in Stephen Covey’s best-selling book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.  Covey says, “You have to decide what your highest priorities are and have the courage- pleasantly, smilingly, non-apologetically, - to say “no” to other things."

We were a twinkle in God’s eye long before a spark in dad’s. God first loved us. As we receive God’s love and bask in the source of Love from which we came, our love tank becomes full and is continually topped off. In the overflow, we can effectively relate to others.

“When I have learned to love God better than my earthly dearest, I shall love my earthly dearest better than I do now. In so far as I learn to love my earthly dearest at the expense of God and instead of God, I shall be moving toward the state in which I shall not love my earthly dearest at all. When first things are put first, second things are not suppressed, but increased. Second things are corrupted when they are put first.”
C. S. Lewis

Mona Dunkin, Solution Principles, Maximum People Development. Please remember us for your training needs. mona@monadunkin.com

Getting Even

No one likes being treated unfairly. Holding on to negative memories, as Author Eknah Easwaran suggests, “crowd together and form a mob”. This mob-like mentality contributes to resentment as well as unkind behavior. All-too-often the response and outcome is one of the following:

Natural Response and Unintended Consequences
Get even - Does not even the score/offense and makes you just as bad as
Revenge - Injures another and puts you below him and eventually destroys you
Hate - Puts you below your enemy and boomerangs onto you.
Ignore - Gives you a one-upmanship attitude of arrogance and self-righteousness.
Pity - Victimization. Sets you up to be used and abused again and again.

Aretha Franklin sang, “What the world needs now, is love, sweet, love. That’s the only thing that there’s just too little of.” Certainly a show of love to an offender is to forgive. To ‘get even” in a way that is beneficial for offended and offender.

Supernatural Response and Result
Forgive - Sets you free. Releases the offender to see his/her wrongs and allows for needed restitution

Why not take the high road to getting even? Rather than focusing on the perpetrator’s shortcomings, choose to think back on his/her good qualities. Acknowledge that everyone is flawed and fabulous; the offender as well as yourself. The idea is to literally change one thought for another thought.

Just as a carpenter uses a smaller nail to drive out a large one, so too we can use a positive thought to drive out a negative one. Take a step beyond positive thinking to re-thinking our common humanity. Take one’s self out of the middle of the conflict and become an objective observer that sees pluses and minuses on both sides. And graciously give the benefit of the doubt.

This strategy may take practice and I think you will find it well worth the effort.

Here’s a hint: Switch your verbiage from “It’s so hard” to “It’s not easy”. Say those two phrases out loud and monitor your body’s response. Seeing it as “so hard” tenses for the difficult, whereas “it’s not easy” relaxes and seems doable.

Set a mental watch to be aware of your thoughts. When you start to slide into old patterns, early awareness keeps you from going all the way back to square one. Eventually, ‘square one’ gets closer; say, ‘square 9’! And all your relationships are more harmonious.

Note: This approach has broad applications – to yourself, others in generals, to those in particular, to your problems, to your work, to health, to the world as a whole…. You get the idea. And may your song of love be sweet.

And God Remembered Noah

I attended a spring conference hosted by High Point Church where Linda Austin Crawford, The Anchor Publisher, was the main speaker. It was great. It was an excellent combination of fellowship, food, fun and worship.

Linda’s talk centered on forgiveness. In teaching the multitudes, Jesus noted that offenses would occur. That is a given. Whether or not the offense was deliberately perpetrated or whether it was our perception, being offended is a part of the human experience.

Jesus also talked about choosing to forgive. Even to forgive repeated offenses. Even to be as extreme as choosing to forgive an offender 490 times (70X7)! To wit the apostles pleaded, “Increase our faith!”

Linda’s teaching involves the etymology of words – what they meant originally and what they have come to mean through use. Case in point is a “mustard seed tree”.

The underlying message is that something so small (seed) can grow quickly and spread to mammoth proportions. Whether or not the tiny seed is an offence that spreads to fill one’s soul with puss pockets of unforgiveness or if it is the tiny seed of the Word of God that spreads hope and healing to a wounded spirit.

Both are cultivated through remembering.

Failure to forgive self or others is fostered through remembering; keep in mind, dredge up, harked back to.



Pain is compounded to a victim when she gains courage to confront her abuser and he doesn't remember (will not acknowledge an indiscretion). Our pain would not be healed if we were courageous enough to seek God's comfort and he did not remember.

And God remembered Noah.

To remember has variations of meaning. What may be true in one stance may not be true in another. God's not remembering our past does not mean his forgetfulness but rather that he does not hold our past against us.

Noah may have thought he was forgotten, but not so. God never promised us protection from the storms of life. He never promised us passage through the storms of life. He promised us his presence in the midst of the storms of life. God’s presence is there for whatever is needed, either to comfort and sustain or to convict and convince.

Whether we are the victim or the victimizer, God remembers and He loves us and woos us in spite of.

Our past does matter - the good and the bad - it is just not paramount. The past does, to a degree, color our personality; it just does not determine our today or our tomorrows.

Forgiving and being forgiven are deep-rooted issues. Not to worry, God remembers. Choosing to forgive – even taking a baby step in that direction - increases our faith. Remember that.

To Be More Loving

February is famed for its limited number of days, the last hurrah of winter and as being the month of love. In proclaiming love to others, do not forget to be more loving to you.

Insight comes in all shapes and forms. Sometimes those things we do not want to acknowledge is the most healing.

After a speaking engagement I graciously received compliments on my presentation as well as on my appearance. When I viewed the video – although I was pleased with the message – I was not quite so pleased with the messenger (i.e. with me). I was critical of my performance and my appearance. Every feeling is a pro-survival mechanism.

• I did not like my hair. Although all natural, it appeared grayer than what I see in my mirror.
• I looked heavier than what my scales suggest.
• I deemed my hand gestures to be a little too dramatic.

Criticism is an ugly (disconnecting) way of making a request. I changed my focus. Rather than allowing critical-self to condemn me, I ask myself what "personal requests am I making of me?" Instantly I was more accepting of my looks and mannerisms.

I shared this positive awareness with my accountability partner, Gloria. She cut to the heart of the issue. “Maybe your request is to be more loving.”

How freeing it is to face the way we hide from our feelings. The choice to move from acceptance to loving is amazing. Send love to the pain and the pain will dissipate.

Sending love is done with a deliberate intention to be kind. Yes, be kind to others but also be kind to you. Sending love quiets the nagging critic. Love acknowledges flaws and what to do about them: either to accept and joyfully move on or to receive insight and courage for correction. Sending love engenders compassion to one’s own ego as well as to family, friend and even to foe.

Sending love releases inner limitation and long-held hurts. It relaxes the body, calms the mind and floods your being with peace. It quiets the drama and equalizes emotions so your true spirit shines through.

Sending love releases restorative chemicals into the blood stream; natural meds that heal and repair. A healthy body lends to clearer thinking and improved relationships.

Choose to be more loving by approaching all aspects of life from a place of love. There is an invisible connection between you, God and humanity at large. The more love is sent, the more the separating gap narrows. The more love is denied, criticism and rebellion ensues from a place searching for love.

With the billion of souls in the universe, we can never exhaust all the air available for us to breathe. Love is an even greater resource available to us without thought and becomes powerful with mindful intention. Although our love may be fledging, when joined with God’s unconditional love it is restorative.

Start with being more loving to you. And let it grow. This Valentine's day - and beyond - be more loving of you to you. Quiet your inner self-critic about your perceived shortcomings

Don't Cope. Overcome.  You are created in God's image, a work of art with a designer label. As His creation, you have infinite worth and value. You have been gifted with talents to bless yourself and others. Live your authentic self; do not become a generic brand.

I’d love to hear your insights.

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”

 

The Mystery of Christmas

The Christmas holiday celebrates yet another difficult-to-understand-concept of God’s working in human affairs. Famed newscaster Paul Harvey told a story of the incarnate Christ that is worthy of reflection.

A man did not believe in all the hum-bug of Christmas. He reasoned that if God was so powerful why visit planet earth in human form at all, much less as a weak baby.

One bitter cold Christmas Eve the man’s family went to a local church to worship. The man sat home in front of his warm fireplace as the lights from their Christmas tree shown through the plate glass window. He was startled by a crashing sound against the window.

Going outside, he found a little bird dead in the snow. Apparently the bird was attempting to fly into the warm room and met his fate against the cold glass. The man saw other birds shivering in the nearby trees and got an idea.

He opened the garage door so the bird could fly inside and be out of the gusty wind. The man waited. The birds did not come inside. He beckoned to the birds that it was safe. The birds still did not come in. He sprinkled bird food leading from outside into the safe garage. Still, the birds did not come inside.

The man thought, “If somehow I could just become a bird for a few minutes, I would fly among them, chirp their language and then show them that the garage is a safe haven.”

As the man was thinking these thoughts, the Christmas bells chimed to celebrate the birth of baby Jesus. He fell to his knees. “Oh God, now I understand. You spoke from heaven and the people thought it was thunder. You sent prophets and they did not heed. You choose to become man to show the way.”

As a human being, what capabilities did the man have? If he could have become a bird, what limitations would he have? Human knowledge may have been retained, but as a bird the range of abilities were severely constrained.

When things are hard to understand, human nature comes up with something even more difficult to comprehend – a fat man in a red suit visiting every home in the world in one enchanted evening. May you embrace the life-changing love and mystery of Christmas.

Please share your thoughs. I love hearing your insights.

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”

Sacred Contracts

"The strongest need in the human personality is our need to act consistently
with how we define ourselves." Psychologist Robert Cialdini

With what do we identify more than with our name. I did not have a vote in “Mona” being my name but, unknowingly, I agreed to it. Whatever we agree to meshes with and become a defining part of our unique and distinctive personality. The demonstration of my agreement is manifested in the fact that, still today, when “Mona” is spoken, my otherwise rapt attention is drawn toward the sweetness of the sound.

The identity associated with one’s name goes hand-in-hand with mankind’s need to love and belong. Dale Carnegie gave top billing to speaking and remembering a person’s name in his profoundly influential book “How to Winning Friends and Influence People”.

In the Biblical book of Genesis, God changed the names of Abram and Sarai to Abraham and Sarah. The nuance expanded definition of their life purpose and spoke into existence sacred covenants. They were given instructions on how to bring about this manifestation: “Live in my presence. Be devout.” (Genesis 17)

Whether eagerly or reluctantly, they agreed to this phenomenon and began to speak it into existence. Before others called them Abraham or Sarah, they needed to pronounce themselves, “I am Abraham.” “I am Sarah.” As they lived up to their changed persona, the family, the community and even the world today, recognizes them as “Father of Many Nations” and “Mother of Many Kings”.

There is a lot of teaching today about walking the talk. Tommy Malone gives a tongue-twister twist to a touchy truthful truism: “Our walk talks, and our talk talks. But, our walk talks louder than our talk talks.”

Inscribed above the Supreme Court Building in Washington, D.C. are powerful words of justice: “You shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free.”
Only knowing truth is not so easily know. Truth is not found through knowledge, but is revealed through trial and error. At least the kind of truth that sets one free to be whom s/he is created to be. It has to be an inward knowing, not a head filled with information. A knowing that is agreed to, either eagerly or reluctantly. A knowing that is spoken into existence through goals and actions and public pronouncements. A knowing that proclaims either boldly “I am strong” or timidly asserts, “I am stronger than I once was.”

Whether one identifies self by his/her certified birth name, a contradictive nickname or a self-imposed moniker, one’s reputation is inextricably connected with his personal contracts. We are not static individuals but are in continual position for growth or stagnation. Early agreements can be jettisoned or modified in light of truth. Truth that is real and freeing. What sacred covenants do you need to explore?

Your Relationship with God

There is something about the human condition that wants truth or consequences. This reality is evidenced in the outpouring of literature and movies with the theme of good vs. evil, including Star Wars, Zane Grey and Harry Potter. Good always wins in the end. It is not a matter of relativity. Some things are right. Some things are wrong.

America, our wonderful free-enterprise country was founded to promote the freedom of worship. Right and wrong, good and evil are moral facts, and without God, or a supreme being, no basis exists for morality. We are spiritual beings on a physical journey.

I love the Twelve-Step philosophy founded by Bill W. and Dr. Bob and currently used by a numerous life-controlling self-help groups.

Step One: We admitted that we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable. Any life-controlling issue can be inserted such as alcohol, drugs, food, anger, gambling, work, greed, pleasure, power or any compulsion. If you cannot think of a specific life-controlling issue, simple insert the word pride or stress.

Step Two: We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. In striving for our self-evident truths of “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness,” we can incorporate the antonyms of wellness such as careless, underhanded or unethical. Instead of wholeness we become divided, broken and unhappy. There is a source outside of our self that can bring restoration.

Step Three: We made a decision to turn our wills and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. I love this concept. We do not have to understand the supernatural to enjoy the benefits. We do not have to know how God or faith or goal setting or positive attitude works, we just decide to give it a shot.

Someone reduced the three steps to a simple: I can’t. God can. I’ll let Him. These three steps are not magical but they are a mystery.

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”

Forgiving and Being Forgiven

As we enter spring and the Easter Season there seems to be two things that go hand in hand. The beauty of spring causes us to participate in planting and growing. The reality of Easter causes us to get personal with Jesus. Easter brings us face-to-face with how we feel about our family member Jesus.

On the cross Jesus cried, “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.” Although transcribed only once in the Gospels, Bible scholars tell us the verb tense indicates the phrase was repeated over and over.

As the crowd jeered along the pathway, Jesus prayed, ““Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.” As the spikes tore into his flesh, Jesus begged, “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.” As the soldiers gambled for his royal robe, Jesus urgently entreated, “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.”

One might posture that the unbelievers knew what they were doing. Yes and No. It was a knowing-not-knowing. A knowing that your emotions are angry and filled with hate. A knowing that one wants to lash out and hurt another - maybe the one seen as causing the pain. A knowing of the lie behind “revenge is sweet”. A knowing of the immediate actions, but a not-knowing of the long range effects. A not-knowing of the hurt afflicted on others by default. A not-knowing of the burden of guilt of a selfish act.

Since Jesus ever lives to make intercession for us, even yet today he intercedes on behalf of you and me, “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.”

Forgive and forget. People are often reluctant to forgive, mistakenly thinking the offender is off the hook. Some feel guilty for not forgiving. Some have tried to forgive but think they have failed because they cannot forget. Forgiving does not mean forgetting. Forgiveness often makes things not worth remembering. There are thing that are completely forgiven that we would never want to forget.

Did God forget the cross? Jesus interceded for those crucifying him. Does that mean it was over and he forgot the whole incident? Certainly not! He transformed it from a thing of hurt into a thing of grace. God remembers the cross; not to strike back but to give salvation. He would never want to forget it because it was a hard-fought victory of mercy.

Are there some things you wish you could forget? Allow the pain to remind you that God’s work isn’t finished yet. That he is calling you to a place of offering forgiveness so you can find healing. Let it call you into the arms of Jesus, the one who truly understand pain, rejection and injustice. Allow beauty to spring forth from the scars. Allow God to transform your memories into a testimony of his grace.

It is easier to choose to forgive another when we receive the reality that we are forgiven.

America, Land of the Free

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal,

that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights,

that among these are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness."

Declaration of Independence

The human spirit loves freedom. The human heart also searches for truth. Truth, morality and rights, are not of human origin, but of divine origin. The rights we enjoy in America did not come from Thomas Jefferson, nor from the founding fathers, nor from our constitution, but from a higher source.

Man is not the creator and arbitrator of right and wrong. Right and wrong, good and evil are universal moral facts. It is not a matter of relativity. Some things are right. Some things are wrong. And you know it. To try to alter them is to invite chaos. The ambiguity of morality is evidenced in the actions of a society by what it esteems and by what it disdains.

Although we do not have the right to make up our own right and wrong, we do have a duty to enforce established civil laws. This fact is evidenced in literature of all ages with the theme being good vs. evil, from the Bible to Harry Potter. Regardless of the ensuing death and destruction, good always wins in the end. Michael Esses observed, “An endless number of laws have been enacted just to uphold the Ten Commandments.”

Mankind has been gifted with a conscience; that innate knowing of right and wrong. Conscience is that small voice inside that compels us to do what is moral, honest and encourages humane actions. Conscience produces guilt when disavowed.

Psychiatrist Victor Frankl, a survivor of four concentration camps assessed the state of America by suggesting that a Statue of Responsibility on the West Coast supplement the Statue of Liberty on the East Coast. The liberties we enjoy - the ones fought for and sustained by the sweat and blood of patriots - are being threatened by usurped individual freedom to do what one sees as right.

Thanks to our God-given gift of freewill, mankind is ultimately self-determining. The liberty we experience and the world reputation we esteem will remain strong (and grow) in proportion to our individual and corporate appreciation of freedom and our moral responsibility to all humanity. Let freedom ring loud and clear.

People in Your Quality World

Somewhere in our brain is a picture of a quality world: the people, places and things that comprise our ideal. Our life is spent trying to develop the quality world pictures into a reality. This includes family relationships and those with co-workers.

Life success is dependent upon the over-arching principle of the intrinsic value of people and the needs of each to love and to serve. All people are searching for identity, position, purpose and significance. It is through integritious giving and gracious receiving of friendship and service that we are fulfilled and find purpose.

There are two types of networks, internal and peripheral. Co-workers come with the job. Neighbors move in and out. With the exception of your mate, families are by chance, not choice. In one sense we all live in blended families; valuing diversity is vital for harmony. Choose to make the by-chance people a part of your quality world. Relate to them in a caring manner. Become involved and seek to understand. Spend quality time together having fun and openly communicate.

Value people and their potential. People in your internal network are there by chance, not choice, but that does not diminish their value and importance. Make a conscious, deliberate, continual, on-purpose choice to see their intrinsic value and importance. Appreciate each one’s unique contribution to your life and work. Help in the development of talents and be encouraging. Anything that appreciates goes up in value. The relationship you have with your family is invaluable in building overall success and in your legacy to future generations.

This includes you. You did not choose to be born, yet life and family is the greatest gift God and your parents gave you. Honor self and be true to you.

Peripheral people. The human condition places too much emphasis on peripheral people and thereby tends to be on stage and give top performance for them. It may be easier to be patient with the rude customer than to be kind to your difficult mate. It may be easier to be more longsuffering with a peripheral person, than with your cranky child or your irritating in-laws. It may be easier to be polite to those on the peripheral than those who contribute most to your happiness and success. Get a new perspective. Nurture the individuals in your internal network as you nurture a love-interest. Court them as you would your boss or a new account.

The beauty of your internal network is the ready availability for frequent interaction. Look for ways to show appreciation. Be aware of their unique talents and give specific praise. In your dealings with those in your quality world, be open and forthright with no hidden agendas. Be faithful to keep them in the loop through the power of information.

Family, co-workers and community all contribute to our quality world. The healthier the relationship we develop with them – individually and corporately – the greater our life success and happiness.

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Your Relationship with You

Children are born with a healthy self-love. All too often we are influenced to become someone else. We, as well as society, pay a heavy price for it.

Dr. Maxwell Maltz, a well known cosmetics surgeon, revealed that many of his clients thought their surgery was a failure because they were still dissatisfied with themselves. True beauty comes from within and starts with receiving the gift of you. Since your self-relationship is one you have total control over, why make it negative? Beating self up serves absolutely no wholesome purpose.

Appreciate your givens. You are you largely thanks to the DNA supplied from past generations. Givens include pre-programming of skin color, eye color, how tall one grows to become, etc. They just are. They are not for our shame, neither are they for our arrogance. Even though you were not privy to these initial givens, you have an ongoing part in your gratitude for the life bestowed upon you and in your thankfulness for your unique appearance, abilities and talents.

Self-image is the picture you have of yourself. It can be true or false. An anorexic may see self as fat, whereas a heavier individual may genuinely not see the excess pounds.

Self-esteem is the value you place on yourself – high or low, regardless of truth. A talented individual may esteem his gifts as unimportant, whereas a lesser talented person may esteem his abilities as noteworthy.

Self-worth is an internal knowledge of your intrinsic value and dignity as a human being whether you are thin or fat, short or tall, talented or untalented, business owner or hourly employee, rich or poor, or a multitude of other external measuring rods. Appreciate your innate worth, value and dignity. It is essential to receive the gift of yourself.

You have purpose. You were placed on planet earth for a reason. You belong. You are not a mistake. You are not junk. Healthy esteem recognizes that others have worth and value for the same reason. This truth produces humility and cooperation. You have gifts and talents that can contribute to your fulfillment, add to the happiness of others, as well as to making the world a better place. You are unique and special, a wonder to behold. You were formed with greatness in your bosom.

As necessary, work on your relationship with you, either to shore up a lowered esteem or to burst the bubble of an inflated ego. Healthy self-esteem and happiness go hand-in-hand. Healthy self-esteem and a high regard for others are close companions. Healthy self-esteem and life success are copartners.

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Forgiving and Being Forgiven

As we enter spring and the Easter Season there seems to be two things that go hand in hand. The beauty of spring causes us to participate in planting and growing. The reality of Easter causes us to get personal with Jesus. Easter brings us face-to-face with how we feel about our family member Jesus.

On the cross Jesus cried, “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.” Although transcribed only once in the Gospels, Bible scholars tell us the verb tense indicates the phrase was repeated over and over.

As the crowd jeered along the pathway, Jesus prayed, ““Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.” As the spikes tore into his flesh, Jesus begged, “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.” As the soldiers gambled for his royal robe, Jesus urgently entreated, “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.”

One might posture that the unbelievers knew what they were doing. Yes and No. It was a knowing-not-knowing. A knowing that your emotions are angry and filled with hate. A knowing that one wants to lash out and hurt another - maybe the one seen as causing the pain. A knowing of the lie behind “revenge is sweet”. A knowing of the immediate actions, but a not-knowing of the long range effects. A not-knowing of the hurt afflicted on others by default. A not-knowing of the burden of guilt of a selfish act.

Since Jesus ever lives to make intercession for us, even yet today he intercedes on behalf of you and me, “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.”

Forgive and forget. People are often reluctant to forgive, mistakenly thinking the offender is off the hook. Some feel guilty for not forgiving. Some have tried to forgive but think they have failed because they cannot forget. Forgiving does not mean forgetting. Forgiveness often makes things not worth remembering. There are thing that are completely forgiven that we would never want to forget.

Did God forget the cross? Jesus interceded for those crucifying him. Does that mean it was over and he forgot the whole incident? Certainly not! He transformed it from a thing of hurt into a thing of grace. God remembers the cross; not to strike back but to give salvation. He would never want to forget it because it was a hard-fought victory of mercy.

Are there some things you wish you could forget? Allow the pain to remind you that God’s work isn’t finished yet. That he is calling you to a place of offering forgiveness so you can find healing. Let it call you into the arms of Jesus, the one who truly understand pain, rejection and injustice. Allow beauty to spring forth from the scars. Allow God to transform your memories into a testimony of his grace.

It is easier to choose to forgive another when we receive the reality that we are forgiven.

Dreaming of a White Christmas

The Christmas Story is filled with angels, dreams and interpretations. That phenonemon was not just for long-ago and is still prevelent for us today.

The dream center. Our conscious awake mind takes in information and responds. Sleep allows the brain to rearranges recent memories, a process that can lead to insight and new knowledge. Researchers believe that sleep is not only good for our physical health but also for our mental well-being.

Stages of sleep. In the process of falling asleep breathing and pulse slows and muscles relax. The brain waves are regular and the body can be easily awakened. In deep sleep the brain waves slow down with occasional spikes depending on surrounding noise or interference. In the deepest sleep, known as REM or rapid-eye-movement, the brain stem releases chemicals and fires electrical signals. The muscles are so relaxed the body is virtually paralyzed.

During REM is when dreams occurr. Scientific research reveals that everyone dreams every night, whether remembered or not. During REM sleep chemicals go all parts of the brain gathering a mix of visual images and emotional feelings and coalescing them into a dream that has elements of both the real and the bizarre.

Train yourself. You can remember and benefit from your dreams but it may take time to train yourself. Put you to bed, quiet your breathing and deliberately turn off your mind’s rehearsal of the day’s events or tomorrow’s worries. Tell yourself that you will remember your dream upon awakening. Learn to wake naturally, without an alarm.

Write it down. Up on awakening, continue to lie still and concentrate on remembering your dream. Keep a pad and pencil by your bedside and immediately jot down the dream exactly as you remember it. Do not embellish and do not edit.

Think on it. At off moments during the day, reflect on your dream for insights. Was it meaningful or simply entertainment? Embrace success and look forward to more.

An example. I had a recurring dream of various meetings and demands made on me. Mixed up with all this was a nagging that I had lost a library book and a huge fine was awaiting. Upon awaking I was puzzled. The thing that stood out the most was the library book. It made no sense since I prefer to own the books I read.

My interpretation. I began to reflect upon the last time I had visited a library. Then I remembered having called several bookstores and the library trying to find a certain book for a client. The library had it and put it aside, in my name, to be picked up. I gave the information to my client. He never went. Consciously I dismissed it. Unconsciously my name was on the line. Once the problem came to light a solution was formulated.

Science gives validity to Mom’s advice to “sleep on it”. The function of the unconscious mind is to protect you. When you have a decision to make or a problem to solve, your mind works over-time - day and night - to honor you. Sleep allows the brain to rearranges recent memories, a process that can lead to insight and new knowledge.

Sweet dreams.

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Holiday Perspectives

“The incarnation of the Son of God emphasizes the great dignity of
human nature, and reveals the value of every human being ….” Pope John Paul II

Advent is a season pregnant with what is to come. It allows us to participate in sacred history as we reflect on ancient truth and future hope. Christmas affords a time to prepare our hearts to receive again a baby who has already been born. A time to understand the four hundred year silence and anticipate the promised Savior. Advent prepares us to receive Christ anew into our lives, refreshing and restoring our faith.

Newcaster Paul Harvey told a story of a man who was synical about the Christmas story. One bitter Christmas eve the man’s family went to the local church to worship while he sat alone in front of a warm fireplace. The drapes on the picture window were open to reveal the tree lights inside. The man was startled by a crashing sound against the plate glass.

Going outside he found a little bird dead in the snow. Apparently the bird was attempting to fly in to the warm room and met his fate against the window. The man looked around at other birds shivering in the cold. He had an idea.

He opened the garage door so the birds could fly inside and be sheltered from the blustery, icy winds. He waited. The birds did not come in. He beaconed to them. They did not come. He sprinkled bird food from outside leading into the garage. Still, the birds did not come.

He thought, “If some how I could just become a bird for a few minutes, I would fly among them, chirp their language and then show them the garage is a safe haven.”

As the man was thinking these thoughts the Christmas bells chimed to celebrate the birth of baby Jesus. He fell to his knees. “Dear God, now I understand. You spoke from heaven and the people thought it was thunder. You sent prophets and they still did not heed. You had to become man to show the way.”

The more I think of this story, the more real the incarnation becomes. If the man could have become a bird, he would have retained his human thinking, while being limited to the language and abilities of a bird. In like manner, Jesus incarnated as a human being, and while retaining his Godly knowledge and omniscience, lived on earth for thirty-three years with the limitations of humanity.

Religion is man’s reach for God. Christmas is God’s reach for man.

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Thoughts on Becoming Resilient

Millions are hurt and homeless through natural disasters such as earthquakes, tsunamis, hurricanes and tornados. Multitudes are harmed with devastating human conflict like wars, crime, accidents, divorce and death of loved ones. These things disrupt life, as we know it.

Yet in spite of all these tragedies, many bounce back to healthy productive lifestyles, some even to the betterment of themselves and the world. Perhaps the secret is being resilient; of developing the ability to recover. Resiliency is to be flexible, hardy in spiritual constitution and adaptable. Similar to grace, resiliency may not be apparent until you need it.

Resiliency is the opposite of resignation. Do not deny the events just do not be defeated by it. Fall apart and then gather resolve to get back together. Appreciate that you are alive to see the sun come up tomorrow. Mourn and move past rather than getting stuck. Make a conscious decision to rise above.

Draw strength from your Higher Power. Recognize the Divine and receive an undeniable comfort in the midst of an incomprehensible situation. In spite of devastation, find inner peace in the simple reality that planet earth continues to revolve and day and night will go on.

Look at what happened rather than asking why. Reviewing the whys of life keep you trapped even when the answers may be forthcoming. Stressing or angering over the whys prevents one from accepting what is. Focus on what did happen and what can be done to rebuild.
Suppose your home was destroyed. Everyone was safe but the structure was reduced to rubble.

One may ask “why” and find a modicum of relief in the answer, but the house is still in ruins. Knowing the reason why did not reverse the situation nor does it free your mind to problem solve solutions.

Asking “what”, on the other hand, not only lends to finding the cause, it also releases creative energy to reconstruct with an eye toward prevention of it happening again.

It’s all about attitude. During the devastation of Katrina, a displaced family was huddled with hundreds in the Astrodome. Despite makeshift beds and Salvation Army meals, they had each other. One child saw reality beyond the trauma; “Oh, we have a home, we just don’t have a house to put it in.”

Find balance by willingly receiving aide from others, strangers as well as family, and by reaching out to others. You are not in this alone. There are those who care and wish to help, whether through material supplies, manual labor, or love and understanding. There are those that need something from you; possibly your insight, your smile, your hug or encouragement from you.

Look for the silver lining in the dark storm clouds. Blow like a tree in the wind that bends, but does not break. It bounces back to grow and produce fruit.

Concerning those who thrive despite tragedies, Dr. Steven M. Southwick, profess of psychiatry at Yale University School of Medicine sees them as having “post-traumatic-growth-syndrome”. May that be your legacy.

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Loyalty Above All, Except Honor

Honor is as real to the human condition as love. Honor is formulated by one’s experiences, dignity and character; it is the totality of an individual’s trustworthiness and based on his social status, attitudes and actions. In teaching classes on character qualities such as integrity and honor, I am sometimes asked, “Are you telling me that you never do anything wrong, not even speed.”

My answer: “I do not intentionally speed.” I am not saying that I never do anything wrong; I am saying that I listen to my conscience and I do not “practice sin”. When my conscience is pricked, I take careful measures to heed the warning, evaluate and make corrections. My deepest desire is to be more than I am; to be true to my innate gifting.

Insight leads to change. Whether one believes it or not, we have enough light for the step we are on.

Which moral value is the most important? What does self-respect mean?
Honor: mark of distinction, respect, admiration, credit, reputation, tribute, principle, nobility, pride, mark of distinction, award, prize (Antonym: shame, disgrace)

“I was the perfect con man. No one could do it better than me. Others would marvel at the way I could talk my way out of any tight spot or talk someone else into doing whatever I wanted. Then one day I was sitting all alone on my cot looking through the bars on my window and a question hit me: If I was all that great and masterful, why had nine out of my last eleven years been spent in a cell?” The Con Game, Serenity Support Services, Inc. (used without permission)

Honor is a principle – not a rule – and is open to interpretation. Dr. Samuel Johnson suggests that honor has several senses with the most important ones being “nobility of soul, magnanimity and a scorn of meanness.” Dictionary of the English Language


Formula for change: Decision + Discipline + Divinity = Destiny

• Make a decision - basic; think through, ponder, come to a conclusion
• Develop discipline - determine steps and summons the courage to take them
• Divinity - God’s help is imperative. It is not magic but it is a mystery

Develop an “edit function”. Those without an edit function are into people pleasing or doing the “in” thing, without regard to moral values and often to their own harm. It does not take honor to self-protect or to go along with the crowd. It takes honor to do what scares you. The self-protection of loyalty in the face of honor deceptively cushions one for his personal stupidity. A powerful enforcing tool in conformity is shunning.

We live in community and look around us to determine what is normal. Perception is based on two realities: 1) general observation of others and 2) specific personal experience. When they match, we assume it to be truth. When there is dissonance, we are in the position to embrace and to change.

Every choice has it own set of new circumstances. The devil you don’t know is better than the devil you know? Getting rid of one devil one may bring honor, but it also may bring negative ramifications. There are devils everywhere. As you get honest with you, you find that roaring monsters live in the dark and light exposes them to be the squeaking mice they really are.

Epiphany

In the Christian faith, epiphany is a term used to mark the arrival of the Magi in their search for the Christ child. Epiphany has expanded to mean a sudden realization or deep understanding brought about through ordinary circumstances that made a profound change in an individual’s life. Here are three epiphanies in my life.

Beauty is more internal than external. I struggled with self-esteem issues for years. I had the mistaken idea that if only my weight was less and I was shorter than my 5’6” height and if my nose was a different shape then magically all my problems would be over. I erroneously reasoned that I would be little and cute and everybody would like me.

An individual came into my life that was overweight, tall and with less than perfect facial features. She was loving and kind and funny and people were drawn to her. It dawned on me that there may be reasons to dislike a person, but the package is not one of them. If people did not like me, it had to be something more than looks. And, if someone did not like me because of my weight or looks, who really owned the problem.

Peace came through recognition that I could not “add one cubit to my stature” (or take away) and calm reigned with thankfulness that my nose worked okay regardless of its size. Silence descended with the realization that weight management was in my power with the exercise of self-discipline. I began to work on things that were within my control, like letting go of the chip on my shoulder.

The result has been a humble acceptance of me with continued focus on character development. My healthy self-esteem has grown into a high regard for all humanity.

Vows are not to be taken lightly. I hate to admit this, but I went into marriage with an escape clause in the back of my mind. From divorce statistics, that seems to be the irrational reasoning of society today. Through contemplation of separation I became aware of the sacredness of vows I had made before God and man. The wedding covenant is necessary because we are not capable of loving a flawed individual, (at least not for a sustainable amount of time) therefore the need for public and spiritual accountability. Instead of looking for ways out, I began to pray for grace to stay. And God’s grace is sufficient. It has been forty-two years and these two flawed individuals are still together. I am glad that we each have made the work-through-it-commitment again and again. It is imperative to fall in love again and again with the same person.

It is relationship, not religion. From childhood I have been tender toward the things of God. Even though teenage rebellion drove me in other directions, the wooing of Holy Spirit never let up – sometimes to my defiant anger. I relented and tried again and again to be godly, always messing up. In a downtime, a knowing although non-audible still small voice spoke into my conscious: “Mona, stop trying so hard. Quit trying to make me Lord and Master. Just let me be your friend.”

I needed a friend. My response was a subdued nodding of my head and a faint whisper of “Okay.” Rockets did not zoom and bells did not go off, but there was a definite change in my life from that day forward. I allowed Jesus to be my friend. It is a friend relationship that continues to grow, allowing me to be accepting of myself and compassionately charitable with a universe filled with other flawed human beings.

None of these transformations were instant but each gave enough light to foster permanent growth. Another meaning of epiphany is “a manifestation of a divine being.” The Magi were searching for solutions in a promised ruler king and were humbled to encounter the author of authority revealed in a vulnerable baby.

The peace and life-changes I have encountered, and continue to chance upon, are brought about through my search for the Christ child – born, died and resurrected. The guiding star is still shining. Follow it and receive.