Happy Relationship Day

Happy Relationship Day!

Only most people call it Valentine’s Day. Valentine’s is a nice tradition with lovely sentiments. and I’m certainly okay with that. My stance is that Valentine’s Day - or at least TV and media ads - seem to isolate it to romantic love. And love is so much wider, deeper, higher, greater, funner and a bunch of other fulfilling descriptive words.

A Course if Miracles states that anything that draws love from you is of Divine origin. Which gives me pause when the neighborhood feral cat beats up on my kitten and I have equal compassion for the scruffy castaway.

Dr. William Glasser suggests that love and belonging is a basic genetic need of every living creature. And that all human misery, with the exception of abject poverty, living under tyranny and debilitating disease, is the result of unhappy relationships.

My definition of relationship is the ability to relate to and to relate with another, even if another is an other. As in other color, other class, other personality, other belief, other opinion. Since all eight-plus billion of us others are on this Planet-Earth Spaceship together, we might as well get along. After all, we are more alike than we are different.

I teach a class entitled “Getting Along With Difficult People, Whether You Know One or Are One”. It can be quite humbling to recognize our contribution to a miserable, difficult relationship. I had a gentleman tell me, “After taking this class, I need to apologize to everyone I have ever met.”

The bottom line is, we are all flawed and fabulous, which renders each difficult and wonderful.

A little compassion oils the get-along gear.

Even if you can’t reason with the feral bully. (Cat that is) The disagreeable one is still one of us others. The disagreeable one still has infinite worth and value as a human being, created in God’s image, a work of art with a Designer label.

Relating to and with another is found in common ground as well as uncommon ground. Every one has a story. Be open to sharing yours and listening to theirs. Ask relationship building questions; not to grill but to understand the sameness and differences. How monotone life would be if we all sang the same note. It’s the cacophony that makes music.

Who do you love this relationship month? Make it easy on yourself by starting with you and expand out. Remember the holy instructions to “love yourself as your neighbor.” That’s a like-to-like descriptive statement; as you love you, you are freed to love others.

Regardless of any dark circumstances surrounding one’s conception and upbringing, I suggest the union has a holiness to it. The office is untarnished. The child is innocent and came from the original system of divine love.

Whether the home produces benevolent leaders or malevolent dictators, all of us share in the propagation of love, light and darkness. The human condition is a complicated mix of good and not so good. Climbing to a higher plane is all ‘Thanks Be To God’. Relationship Day is a good place to start.

Networking Assertiveness

Networking is a vital part of social capital. As in all areas of business, we want to be both effective and efficient. Following are ideas for disengaging from the prolonged networker.

Set limits. If there seems to be no end to the saga, hold your hand up as if to indicate, “Stop”. Jump in with the assumption that this could take awhile and that you have other obligations. Smile and graciously go on your way.

Ask for a conclusion. Assertively set boundaries by asking him to skip the details and briefly give the end result. Firmness shows respect for you and kindness shows respect for the bore.

Use Archer Bunker humor. Rather than gesture hanging yourself, in a playful manner act as though you are dozing off. Make your exit and go home to go to bed or the washroom to splash cold water in your face. No other explanations necessary.

Act as if. Give the individual an easy out by acting as if you have been monopolizing his time and offer to let him go. Then do it.

Stand up - physically as well as for yourself. If you are seated, stand up. Whether in an office setting, your living room or a barstool, when you stand up it gives a powerful non-verbal message that the encounter is over. In a standing encounter, give the physical stance of departure.

Pass the buck. I hesitate to suggest this, even though I have used it on more than one occasion. Using the networking strategy of acting the host, draw another person into the conversation then make an amiable exit (to entertain others, of course). Later, make it up to your unsuspecting pawn by taking her to lunch.

Even though bores are boring, they are still human beings so treat them kindly. Be firm without being rude. Be more cautious the next time you are around them to practice amiable avoidance.

Control: Internal vs. External

One meaning of control is “to have power over”. Regardless of our rank or position in life, the bottom line is: The only person over whom we have power of control is ourselves and to try to force this power over others is deadly to healthy relationship. 

Influence! Now that's something entirely different... 

Regardless of our rank or position in life, no one can control you to make you do anything you do not wish to do. We can cajole, threaten, humiliate, reward, bribe, punish or instigate other creative measures to control another, but if the upper hand is gained, it is only because he chose to give in to our demand. If we are willing to accept the outcome, no one can make us do anything we do not wish to do.

As the defiant lad said, “I may be sitting down on the outside but I am standing up on the inside!” 

The action may have changed but not the attitude. He lad was not controlled. The child chose to sit because to continue in his current action would bring pain. The child internally chose to externally control himself. The one issuing the mandate may mistakenly think he controlled the child.

And thus sets up the power struggle of the human condition.

When we push for control we make it about us. We overcome when we realize that the stress is more about us than it is about him. That is not to discount that he is being a royal jerk! It is to become aware that the only person over whom we have control is me and, therefore, I do not have to respond in kind to his behavior, attitude or offense.

Responding in kind is to give back in equivalent to what has been received. Just because he has been rude, impatient and aggressive, does not mean that I get to be defensive, frustrated and antagonistic. The less we exercise personal control the more control we try to wield over others.

Conversely, the more internal personal control we exercise – the more we choose to have power over our thoughts, our actions and our emotions – the less controlling we will be of others.

Everything that happens to you is self-created. Whenever you're responding to any

situation, whether it's a sip of coffee, or a traffic jam, or a love note, or criticism

from a boss, or rainy weather, you're in fact responding to a signal that you

generated within yourself.” -- Deepak Chopra

Once you buy into being aware and put personal responses into practice, you become empowered internally that influences externally. Control of self – your thoughts, your actions and your emotions - is a high form of power/control. Trying to control another backfires into making them push back with equal or greater force (whether that force is aggressive or passive).

When we give up external controlling techniques we are in a greater position to influence to the positive.

NEED A MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER: One of America’s most interesting motivational speakers can be enjoyed in person in a presentation tailored to your specific need. Whether organizational, business or civic, you will be entertained with her humor, challenged with her gift of uncommon insights, and motivated by her thought provoking poems. Contact Mona at 254-749-6594 or monadunkin@gmail.com 

Improved Relationships

May these Improved Relationship suggestions add to the holiness of the Holiday Season.

“But I’m doing the best I can.” Even though tempted to use that excuse, my self-awareness, social understanding and spiritual consciousness prods me until I get honest in defining my part of the problem and seeking effective solutions. Though we may think we are doing the best we can in the moment,on honest reflection we can see improvements for the next time.

Look at your own history. Do you have a string of rocky/broken relationships, unsatisfactory jobs, contention with authority, stressful living and overall lack of happiness and success? Do not joust at windmills trying to fix everyone else. Look at the common denominator – you.

As the TV commercial suggests, pointing out a problem is not enough. Look for your underlying motive through reflection and find solutions through trial and error. The path includes honest thought, sincere planning, decision making, willingness to sacrifice and unassuming action.

Questioning your hidden agenda is a good place to start. There is faith in honest doubt. Will you meet your belonging need by following the crowd or be true to your authentic self by heeding your the still small voice? And you must become quiet to hear it.

Conscious is an inward knowing of right from wrong with a compulsion to do what is right. One’s life purpose includes doing what is best for you and, by default, it is also best for others. We are all connected and our lives enter-twine.

Be responsible for your thoughts and your actions. Placing blame somewhere else puts the situation outside yourself and causes one to think the fix is up to him/her. When we identify our part of the problem and take responsibility for our thoughts, our attitude and our actions, then we have something we can work with.

That is not to say that we work independently. I/we messed this us. I/we are each responsible to some degree. I/we need course correction. The thing is, the only one over whom we have control is the “I” portion, not the “we” factor(s). To take personal responsibility results in empowerment. You have found the one and only locus of control.

life is about need verses need. Once you make the decision to quit blaming and to take responsibility for your part, the atmosphere mysteriously softens and the seeming opponent is placed in a more comfortable position to follow your lead.

The greatest threat to taking back your own life is comparing yourself with others and deeming self as having fallen short. This leads to following the crowd and participating in group think. It becomes a self-depreciating way that leads to stagnation and conflict (with you more than them).

Understand the necessity of self-imposed limits. I define responsibility as “having ability to determine how to respond”. It is through discipline that we move from dissatisfaction to hopeful. Placing limits leads to fulfillment.

Don’t Cope, Overcome: Flourish and overcome by really doing the best you can. Think it through, make a choice, act upon your decision and relish the feel good results. Your life is a gift worth receiving (or taking back).

Ineffective Control

When driving a car, one needs to be in control of the vehicle for the good of all. Being in control is to be alert, courteous and law abiding. Sometimes a driver takes ineffective control by going too fast, passing dangerously, drinking and driving, tail gating, running red lights, yelling at other drivers, making obscene gestures, acting as though he/she owns the road, being impatient, etc.

Ineffective Control is about more than driving a vehicle. It includes interaction with people on a daily basis.

Trying to control another is ineffective and destructive. The more you try to control things outside the scope of your power, the more stress you put on you and on those relationships important to you. The only thing over which you have the power, right, or ethical responsibility to change is your own mind and attitude.

You cannot control another. One may bully, confine, coerce, intimidate, reward or manipulate but you cannot control. It is like the defiant little boy who proclaimed, “I may be sitting down on the outside, but I am standing up on the inside.”

Compliance is not control. Just because you give in to another’s demands, does not mean he is controlling you. Even though you may feel controlled it was a choice you made, you just have not let yourself know it. Just because someone submits to your demands, does not mean you have controlled him. A person convinced against his will, is of the same opinion still.

Trying to control another is also destructive to you. You are expending energy that is not converted to effective power. Control builds resentment and rebellion in family, friends, co-workers and mere acquaintances.

On a TV program several people were gathered around a table trying to have fun although one man was controlling the conversation and was over-bearing. A companion got his attention and said, “They want you to eat with them over at that table.”

The man, in his arrogance (which is a major symptom of ineffective control) straightened his tie, cocked his head and said, “Really? Who?”

To which the woman replied, ”Everyone at this table.”

Change your mind and you will change your life. Change your attitude and you will be in a better position to effect positive influence over others. You can set a good example they will want to emulate. You can use your words – ask, tell, make suggestions.

So what’s the problem? Parents are responsible for setting guidelines and insisting upon appropriate behavior, which can be construed by an immature child as control. In our determination to overthrow this control, in turn, we become controlling of others. It is ineffective and relationship destroying. People just will not mind us, no matter how grand our advice!

The Apostle Paul said, “When I was a child, I thought as a child, I acted like a child, but now that I am a man, I have put away childish behaviors.” It is time to grow up and be in control of the only one you can be – YOU.

Communicatoin Challenges

A challenge in communication is assuming the other party is as interested in the subject as you are.

Our daughter frequently baby-sat while growing up. One child was quite loquacious and would talk on and on. In the midst of a lengthy tirade, she stopped abruptly and proclaimed, “Who cares? Nobody cares!” 

Initially I found the comment amusing.  But as I observed the child’s crestfallen expression, I realized she was repeating to herself what had been replicated to her by someone she loved.  I felt her pain of being dismissed. 

Allow the following suggestions to help you ward off such rejection. 

Consider self before condemning another. How many times have you been guilty of the following scenarios?

• Hearing but not listening? 
• Taking a mental vacation when someone is pouring out their heart to you? 
• Asking a question without giving heed to the answer?  Interrupting? 
• Preferring the TV over your companion’s conversation? 
• Dismissal through a variety of attitudes and actions? 

Discern casual comments vs. committed inquiry.  On the receiving end, “How was your day” is more of a pleasant greeting than an invitation for an in depth conversation.  On the giving end, if you not are genuinely interested in a detailed account of another’s health, rather than asking, “How are you”, simply make a pleasant comment to acknowledge their presence. 

Choose to stop pushing.  A definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over and expect different results.  To force attention is to fend off what you are pursuing.  Instead of getting louder or more demanding, simply decide to speaker slower, softer or perhaps to lovingly simply quit speaking. 

Be gracious. Attitude is always more important than the action. Whether stopping or pursuing, monitor your attitude. Give a civil response; make your voice soft, your facial expression pleasant and your words agreeable.  Do not engage in resentment or revenge.      

Choose to not be offended.  And it is a choice.  We have a need to connect with others.  The deeper our human contact need, the more easily a presumed disregard hurts. 

Teach others how to treat you.  When the offending party comments on your withdrawal, politely respond by continuing the dialogue and bring your remarks to a quick conclusion.  When you respect them by not pushing, they learn to respect you by becoming more caring.     

Give/receive forgiveness.  If the offending party does not acknowledge that you have abandoned your input, make up your mind to forgive him/her anyway.  When the offending party apologizes – then or later – cordially accept. 

By following these guidelines perhaps the connection will occur more frequently.

And the little girl? I smiled and encouraged her to continue.  I took care not only to listen, but also to hear.  

Controlling Your Emotions

Emotions, can you trust them?

Emotions have a wide range of expression; some are pleasant, such as happiness, and some are uncomfortable, such as fear. Unwelcome emotions like grief or anger are for our good, acting as a tutor to steer us in different directions in similar future circumstances. Emotions are expressions of feelings, tools for self-protection and means of motivation.

A mark of maturity is how well one handles his emotions. To raise your emotional IQ, use the following suggestions to deal positively with criticism or negativity.

Do not take it personally. Suppose Monk is your favorite TV show and your mate thinks it is silly. Choose not to be defensive; do not see it as a personal rejection. People have different tastes, various likes and dislikes, and dissimilar takes on humor. Do not make it into more than it is. Be aware and intentional about how you respond. Beware lest emotions backfire and cause reverberating effects.

What vs. why. “Why” encourages excuses. “What” promotes accountability. “Why” looks at the here and now. “What” looks at the present and future.

Assume positive intent. What you tell yourself about what you hear determines how you will respond. Regardless of what is said or done, see things at face value and do not look for hidden agendas. You want to respond to the need, not the emotion. This will aid in objectivity and give you a fresh approach to people.

Negative assumptions lead to misunderstandings and anger. Positive assumption allows you to listen with the intent to understand what is being said and to respond calmly and respectfully, without profanity or sarcasm. Assuming positive intent allows you to acknowledging everyone as right from their own perspective.

Emotions and biology. According to Dr. Henry S. Lodge of the Columbia Medical School, emotions charge our cells to either live or die. Destructive emotions such as anger, resentment, stress and loneliness send a “starvation” message telling cells to decay. Constructive emotions of optimism, caring and community activate cellular growth to build body, mind, spirit and relationships.

Reinterpret the message. Jax Place of the Beakman column suggests that emotions are “messages we send to ourselves; from you to you, using a language that is yours alone.” Emotions include feelings and responses. Although you may not be able to control your feelings, you can control how you behave.

Change how you respond and you change how someone's action affects you. Use your emotions in ways that are good for you. Ways that promote health and happiness and wholesome relationships.

Agreement vs. Appeasement

Have you ever been guilty of agreeing when you did not really agree only to be caught up in a conundrum? Then, since the non-agreement was just a front to avoid unpleasantness - you went on your merry way doing whatever you chose?

And it backfired on you?

It damaged your credibility? It cast doubt on your ethics? It may have even done damage to the relationship? You were called to task for not acting on your pseudo-agreement?  You find yourself stuck in excuses and rationalization and justification?

“Oh what a tangled web we weave when we practice to deceive.” Sir Walter Scott

One may think that agreeing to appease makes things easier, but does it really? It may pacify for today, but what about tomorrow? Or next week? Or ten years down the road? Does mollifying place strain on the relationship? Is each non-truthful act another blow to the dividing wedge?

What will continue conciliating do for your health - physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually?

Stuck is when you keep moving and it’s time to be still. That rubbing movement causes friction that leads to provocation, the very thing your false agreement was trying to avoid.

In a moment of stillness, consider the hard truth that no one likes to be pacified. You do not like it. S/he does not like it. Although we absolutely cannot read someone's mind, there is something mystical about knowingly/unknowingly discerning what is truth or lie.

You perceive legitimacy or falsehood in others. They perceive legitimacy or falsehood in you.

The current moment is attached to all your future moments. Make them ring true.

Think with the mind and know with the heart. Be proactive by deciding in advance how you will response when the faithfulness of life and relationships presents this scenario again. Decide your truth beforehand. Not for a canned or condescending reply, but for comfort and flow.

Sometimes a person will “agree” with an aggressor as a way of stopping communication. Take a moment to dialogue with yourself to find your truth then verbalize it rather than deflect. If your agreement is not true, summons the courage to speak your truth in love. “I think I understand where you are coming and I do not agree.” “It is alright with me if you fill-in-the-blank and I choose not to be a part.” Note that a simple “and” instead of a “but” softens a descending comment.

See the value in the relationship as you work to repair the damage. Respect will bloom again. 

Life and Relationships

No matter the venue, from home life, to the workforce, salesmanship, community involvement, government, law enforcement, or to breakthrough science like Albert Einstein’s Theory of Relativity, it is all about the state or quality of relating.

“We are motivated by love, controlled by it, inspired by it, healed by it and destroyed by it.

Each of life’s challenges is a lesson in some aspect of love.” Carolyn Myss

1. Choose to respect others, while earning respect from them.

2. The only person you can control is yourself. But do you? Things over which you have control includes your words, your attitudes, your facial expressions, your actions, your thoughts, your choices, your feelings, your schedule, what you spend, where you go, with whom you associate, how hard you are willing to work, how to interact with others, and how you take care of yourself. If you do not set the tone and pace of your life, then someone else will set it for you and you will feel put upon.

3. You are always influencing others, either positively or negatively. Be a positive influence by remaining pleasant, even in a difficult situation. Hold the person in high regard as a human being with infinite worth and value, even if you disagree with his/her ideas, attitudes, or behaviors. Find something good in each person and in every situation. See problems as solvable and as character building challenges.

4. Discover the door-way to communication. Your attitudes and behaviors create a door-way to you as well as away from you. If someone behaves according to your specifications, it equals an open door. If the person interacts (intentionally or unintentionally) against your specifications, your door closes – partially, all the way or can be locked and bolted. Set the pace as the relationship builder by choosing to adjust your style so the result is open communication, win/win relationships, and lessening or removal of tension.

5. Provide an inclusive, accepting environment that gives room to grow. The tension here is that acceptance does not mean approval. Many relationships are harmed by failure to accept the person as he is because of disapproval of how he thinks or behaves. Trying to make this person change results in resistance. As relationship is built, the other person is in a greater position to receive your insights.

6. You do not have to attend every argument to which you are invited. Choose your battles. It takes two to argue. You do not have to acknowledge or try to correct every comment, behavior, or attitude. Ignore as much bad behavior as possible and commend acceptable behavior. Accentuating the positive sets the environment to empower eliminating the negative. As Ann Landers says, “Just because a donkey brays, does not mean you have to acknowledge him.” But you do need to be kind to him.

7. Focus on the problem, not the personality. Don’t take comments or actions so personally.
What is more important, relationship or being right? Relationship or your opinion?

Building Families of Strength

I originally entitled this article Strong Families. While writing, I began to see that being strong is an end product, the result of something well-built; the robustness and durability of something nurtured and cared for.

Strength implies potential. Building indicates an ongoing, continuous process that could include remodeling if necessary. Having a solid foundation on which to fall and rebuild upon. Being supportive; not necessarily agreeing with actions but always accepting the individual.

Families of strength are team players. A universal concept of team is a number of people working together on a common task for the good of the whole.

The word origin of team, originally spelled teem, is English meaning offspring. A team is a number of related animals or people (related by working or playing together), and to teem means to be full to overflowing, as with children in a house.” Readers Digest, Family Word Finder

A team participates in giving and receiving. They appreciate differences, enjoy each others company and have fun together.

Families of strength have a faith foundation. They acknowledge a power outside themselves greater than present circumstance that gives purpose to their existence. They play together, work together, worship together, pray together, laugh together, cry together and become involved in helping others.

Families of strength are consistent. There may be rare exceptions, but rules apply across the board, evenly for everyone. The atmosphere of the home is accepting and learning. Disruptions are dealt with in a mature manner. They disagree, get mad, and move past the hurt.

“Our house changed. Our neighborhood changed. I went to a new school. But nothing important really changed…. Though we moved a lot, our essential life stayed the same. Regardless of where we lived, Mom sat by me at night listening to Dick and Jane stories… home and my sense of my family and my place in it were always the same. Mother and Daddy saw to that.”

Naomi Griffith, Red Clay and Vinegar

Families of strength develop open and honest communication. There are no hidden agendas and truth is told even if it hurts or puts self in a bad light. Families of strength listen for understanding rather than to prematurely jump to conclusions and pass undue judgment.

Communication begins at birth with a parent differentiating a hungry cry from an in-pain-cry and continues for a lifetime. Communication is expressed through more than words; tone of voice, facial expressions, body stance and manner of dress speaks volumes.

Families of strength understand that pain is a part of life. Their lives are not disrupted by upheavals. Painful situations are accepted and dealt with. They embrace it as an opportunity on which to learn. Problems are viewed as a challenge in which to grow individually and to grow together corporately.

Suffering is inevitable; transcend it by not being surprised when it happens. Like the Phoenix, families of strength rise from shattered foundations. They adapt. Families of strength overcome with the unit intact.

Families of strength build history together. Successes and failures are uniquely influential in building character. Become aware of the strength of your own family. Notice how well-built it is. Appreciate its robustness and durability as you continue to nurture and care. Embrace the love. 　

For success coaching, counsel or speaking engagements, contact Mona at 254-749-6594 or mona@solutionprinciples.com

Peaceful Communication

We act on the way we think things are, not on the way they actually are. Use the following insights to improve your communication.

1.Discover the door-way to communication. Attitudes and behaviors create a doorway to you as well as away from you. If someone behaves according to assigned specifications, it equals an open door. If the person interacts (intentionally or unintentionally) against specifications, the door closes – partially, all the way or can be locked and bolted. Learn to recognize behavioral styles and adjust your style to permit open communication, win/win relationship building and lessening of tension.

2 Use your words. Words are powerful. Once spoken, they cannot be retrieved. Weigh them. Measure them. Gauge them. Use them in positive and creative ways. Do not shrug or give vague answers.

3. Information is power. Ask. Tell. Be truthful. Do not exaggerate. Eliminate “always” and “never”.

4. Determine the attitude you project in times of conflict and discover ways to temper it. Non verbal communication accounts for 55% of the message.

5. Use fair judgment; of yourself and of the other person. Do not excuse and do not accuse. Be realistic. Ban blaming.

6. Set boundaries, limits or conditions. Get to the point and do not beat around the bush.

7. Focus on the problem, not the personality. This helps you to take yourself out of the emotional issue and be more objective.

8. Say less. Avoid “victim deafness”. Address the issue before it gets out of hand, do not nag, and do not beat a dead horse.

9. Use “I” statements. It is difficult to argue with a person’s specific point of view, so speak only for yourself. Put the communication monkey on your own back. Use the following formula: “I feel _________, when you __________, because ________.”

10. Don’t take comments or actions personally. You do not have to acknowledge every comment, behavior or attitude. Be willing to overlook some bad behavior to avoid “tone deafness.” Develop compassion by realizing everyone acts out of his/her hurts, frustrations and rejections.

11. Choose your battles. Do not make every issue an issue. It takes two to argue; it takes one to stop. Make the relationship more important than your opinion. When relationship is the most important, others are freed to be willing to listen to your point of view.

12. Know when to let go. Make molehills out of mountains.

Effective communication is also an asset in relationship building; it does not keep another guessing.

Improved Relationships

“But I’m doing the best I can.”

I’ve been tempted to use that excuse myself. Only my self-awareness, social understanding and spiritual consciousness prod me until I do some self-evaluation. Asking and answering defines the problem and seeks solution.

Look at your own history. Do you have a string of rocky/broken relationships, unsatisfactory jobs, contention with authority, stressful living and overall lack of happiness and success? Do not joust at windmills trying to fix everyone else. Look at the common denominator – you.

Pointing out a problem is not enough. Look for your underlying motive through reflection and find solutions through trial and error. The path includes honest thought, sincere planning, decision-making, willingness to sacrifice and unassuming action.

Questioning your hidden agenda is a good place to start. There is faith in honest doubt. Will you meet your need to belong by following the crowd or by being true to your authentic self? Listen and heed the still small voice inside. And you must become quiet to hear it.

Conscious is an inward knowing of right from wrong with a compulsion to do what is right. One’s faithful life purpose always includes doing what is best for you and, by default, is also best for others. We are all connected and our lives enter-twine.

Be responsible for your thoughts and your actions. Placing blame on someone puts the situation outside yourself and causes one to think and act like you have to fix him/her. When you identify your part of the problem and take responsibility for you – your thoughts, your attitude and your actions – you have something you can work with.

That is not to say that you work independently. I/we messed this us. I/we are each responsible to some degree. I/we need course correction. The thing is, the only one whom you have control over is the “I” portion, not the “we” factor(s). To take personal responsibility results in immediate empowerment. You have found the one and only locus of your control.

It is always need verses need. Once you make the decision to quit blaming and to take responsibility for your part, the atmosphere mysteriously softens and the seeming opponent is placed in a more comfortable position to follow your lead. Or at least to hear your input.

The greatest threat to taking charge of your own life is comparing yourself with others and deeming self as having fallen short. This leads to following the crowd and participating in group-think. It becomes a self-depreciating way that leads to stagnation and conflict (with you more than them).

Understand the necessity of self-imposed limits. I define responsibility as “having ability to determine how to respond”. It is through discipline that we move from dissatisfaction to hopeful. Placing limits leads to fulfillment.

Don’t Cope, Overcome: Flourish and overcome by really doing the best you can. Think it through, make a choice, act upon your decision and relish the feel good results. Your life is a gift worth receiving (or taking back).

For counsel or speaking engagements, contact Mona at mona@solutionprinciples.com 254-749-6594

Put First Things First

In a cold February, Valentines and love celebration is a welcomed warm spot.

But what is love anyway?

• Is it a word we casually attach to people, pets, pleasures, places and provisions?
• Is it a fickle emotion we precariously fall into and out of?
• Is it something we take for granted?
• Is it something we demanded when it’s absent yet discounted when it’s genuine?
• Is love an illusion?
• Is love the only thing that is real?

Dr. William Glasser, founder of Choice Theory Psychology, identifies love as a genetic need that drives us to belong. Love is a physical and psychological need to fit in.

Love is a spiritual need that drives us to fit into our world. When loved the way we need to be loved, we are more whole and content. 

Love is the need for relationship. From the cradle to the grave life is all about relationship. No matter the venue – home, workforce, salesmanship, community, government, law enforcement, time, money, energy or breakthrough science like Albert’s Einstein’s theory of relativity, it is all about the state or quality of one thing relating to another.

• It is about one thing -you - relating to one thing - me.
• Love is about our relationship with those near and dear to us.
• Love is about our relationship a Supreme Being.
• Love is about our relationship with self; being comfortable in our own skin.
• Love is about our relationship with stuff (time, money, energy, possessions.
• Love is about our relationship with the rest of the world- as in the IT Tech in China, all the drivers in all the cars on the highway in this universe, all the workers in all the business in all the cities and townships, and all seven-point-two-billion souls on planet earth with unknown names and unseen faces.
• Love is about our relationship with theories, science,politics, religion, education.... the list is endless.

WOW. That’s a lot to relate to.

How do you cultivate a loving relationship? How do you nurture, develop and grow love for self let alone for all of humanity? How to you sustain love for those “near and dear to us” when they are flawed?

And that brings us to the title of this article: Put First Things First.

Put First Things First is actually habit #3 in Stephen Covey’s best-selling book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.  Covey says, “You have to decide what your highest priorities are and have the courage- pleasantly, smilingly, non-apologetically, - to say “no” to other things."

We were a twinkle in God’s eye long before a spark in dad’s. God first loved us. As we receive God’s love and bask in the source of Love from which we came, our love tank becomes full and is continually topped off. In the overflow, we can effectively relate to others.

“When I have learned to love God better than my earthly dearest, I shall love my earthly dearest better than I do now. In so far as I learn to love my earthly dearest at the expense of God and instead of God, I shall be moving toward the state in which I shall not love my earthly dearest at all. When first things are put first, second things are not suppressed, but increased. Second things are corrupted when they are put first.”
C. S. Lewis

Mona Dunkin, Solution Principles, Maximum People Development. Please remember us for your training needs. mona@monadunkin.com

Simple, but Not Easy

A Reader writes: 

I read your blog article, “Ask, Don’t Tell”. I have struggled over the years in trying to "ask" rather than "tell" my Mom about our private issues. It's not easy when you don't know what to say or how it will affect the relationships you care about so much. I will re-visit some of your questions so I can get a few rehearsed if the opportunity arises again where I can ask my mother questions rather than tell. Frustrated Daughter.

Here is my reply to Frustrated Daughter: It may apply to you also...

My heart goes out to you.  Many things in life look simple and sound simple but are not so easy to put into practice. Although the guidelines I give are based on personal experiences in overcoming difficulties in relationships, they are based on the principles of Dr. William Glasser’s Choice Theory.

Choice Theory states that the only person we can control is our self and that everything we do is our best attempt at the moment to meet an internally motivated need.  If that theory is true for you, it is also true for your Mom.

Human nature wants to be acknowledged and understood right or wrong.  It is difficult to understand where another is coming from when we really do not understand ourselves.  Repairing a relationship takes personal self-evaluation as well as developing the fineness of helping another to self-evaluate. 

In Einstein's Theory of Relativity, his third supposition is “an entity flowing in successful relationship, to a passive observer appears to have happened with little or no effort.” 

In other words, it takes work. Healthy relationships do not just happen. Readers often question their ability to handle things differently, or doubt that if their approach is changed the opposing person will respond.  Perspectives can change, and in so doing, behavior softens and relationships improve. 

the questions are not to grill or for an immediate response. Rather, the key is learning to ask thought-producing questions that allows the individual to self-evaluation. The same is true in learning to make thought provoking comments to another and leaving the results with them.

It all goes back to attitude and the intent behind the communication.  The attitude projected in asking questions, is it to accuse or to evoke one to self-evaluate? The attitude in giving feedback; is it to declare a position or to give one room to grow? 

 Monitor your attitude reflected when receiving return questions or feedback, is it one of consideration or defense?

When input is given with a “take it or leave it” stance, the receiver is more likely to be receptive. In turn, receive their acceptance or rejection without taking it personally. Relationship must be more important than being right. 

Whether received or rejected, continue to value the one you are attempting to relate to.  Whether received or rejected, set and maintain healthy boundaries for yourself. 

Don’t cope. Overcome.  The more you employ these simple concepts, the easier relationships become – building or repairing.  To a passive observer, they will appear “to have happened with little or no effort.”              

 Need a speaker? Contact Mona at mona@solutionprinciples.com. Learn more. attend Reality Therapy seminar...

The late Dr William Glasser founded Reality Therapy Psychology. Reality Therapy teaches one to effectively face reality and to fulfill needs within that rea-ity. Regardless of what has happened in the past, every problem is a current problem as each person is living and making choices in the here and now. Counselors, psychologists, social workers and educators enthusiastically welcome his work and implement it in schools, clinics and correctional institutions.

You will learn: What you can and cannot control Resolve conflict in self and with others Create optimal environment for change Effective relationship habits Transfer skills into all aspect of life

January 23-25, 2015 at the Indigo Hotel in Waco, TX.  For more information e-mail me at mona@monadunkin.com or call 254-749-6594. 

Take Charge of Your Life

 Take

Charge

of Your

L  I  F  E 

As a tribute to the late Dr. William Glasser you are invited to attend a free presentation based on his book Take Charge of your Life. The focus in this course is application to one’s personal life. It is involves the empowering notion of making our own choices in every area – thinking, feeling, acting, relating, responding… The concepts are easy to learn easy to apply and produce amazing results.

Learn How to Get What You Need

• Gain effective control over negative feelings such as anger, guilt, depression and choose more positive thinking behaviors
• Become more self accepting and less critical of others
• Learn specific techniques for resolving conflict - inside oneself or with others
• Add happiness and connect better in important relationships

The sessions will cover…

• Knowing what you can control and what you have no control over
• Needs, wants and things that are important to you
• Relationship habits
• Perceptions that shape our reality
• Behavior choices

Date: Friday, June 6, 2014 

Time: 9:00 AM to 4:00 PM (lunch on your own) 

Location: Hotel Indigo - 211 Clay Avenue - Waco, Texas

Preregister to receive a downloadable Participant’s Manual

Mona Dunkin, 254-749-6594

mona@monadunkin.com

For June and July 2014 schedule this introductory course to be presented to your business, school, church or civic organization.

• There is no limit to the number of participants.
• It can be taught in one 6-hour session, two 3-hour sessions or three 2-hour sessions.
• A limited number of spaces are available. 
• Call today. 254-749-6594 Mona Dunkin 

Dr. Glasser has written many books based on human behaviour. He will always be remembered for founding Reality Therapy Psychology, resulting from his experience and research in a mental hospital and a correctional institution. He described how he believed people chose their behaviour and could therefore alter it. Counselors, psychologists, social workers and educators enthusiastically welcomed his work and began implementing it in schools, clinics and correctional institutions. As time passed Dr. Glasser developed an educational reform program now known as "The Glasser Quality School". Dr. Glasser's Eulogy

To schedule Take Charge of Your Life for your business, school, church or civic organization, please contact Mona Dunkin, 254-749-6594.  A limited number of spaces are available.  Call today. 

Getting Even

No one likes being treated unfairly. Holding on to negative memories, as Author Eknah Easwaran suggests, “crowd together and form a mob”. This mob-like mentality contributes to resentment as well as unkind behavior. All-too-often the response and outcome is one of the following:

Natural Response and Unintended Consequences
Get even - Does not even the score/offense and makes you just as bad as
Revenge - Injures another and puts you below him and eventually destroys you
Hate - Puts you below your enemy and boomerangs onto you.
Ignore - Gives you a one-upmanship attitude of arrogance and self-righteousness.
Pity - Victimization. Sets you up to be used and abused again and again.

Aretha Franklin sang, “What the world needs now, is love, sweet, love. That’s the only thing that there’s just too little of.” Certainly a show of love to an offender is to forgive. To ‘get even” in a way that is beneficial for offended and offender.

Supernatural Response and Result
Forgive - Sets you free. Releases the offender to see his/her wrongs and allows for needed restitution

Why not take the high road to getting even? Rather than focusing on the perpetrator’s shortcomings, choose to think back on his/her good qualities. Acknowledge that everyone is flawed and fabulous; the offender as well as yourself. The idea is to literally change one thought for another thought.

Just as a carpenter uses a smaller nail to drive out a large one, so too we can use a positive thought to drive out a negative one. Take a step beyond positive thinking to re-thinking our common humanity. Take one’s self out of the middle of the conflict and become an objective observer that sees pluses and minuses on both sides. And graciously give the benefit of the doubt.

This strategy may take practice and I think you will find it well worth the effort.

Here’s a hint: Switch your verbiage from “It’s so hard” to “It’s not easy”. Say those two phrases out loud and monitor your body’s response. Seeing it as “so hard” tenses for the difficult, whereas “it’s not easy” relaxes and seems doable.

Set a mental watch to be aware of your thoughts. When you start to slide into old patterns, early awareness keeps you from going all the way back to square one. Eventually, ‘square one’ gets closer; say, ‘square 9’! And all your relationships are more harmonious.

Note: This approach has broad applications – to yourself, others in generals, to those in particular, to your problems, to your work, to health, to the world as a whole…. You get the idea. And may your song of love be sweet.

Forgiving the Past and Moving On

 

New Years and  “Auld Lang Syne” - the song about choosing to let bygones be bygones and to get on with life while choosing to value the personhood of the individual.

Often we hear “just forgive and forget,” yet I suggest that the human spirit is incapable of forgetting severe hurts and indiscretions of the past, whether done to you or committed by you.  So what can we do? 

 

Make restitution where possible.  Some times an apology does wonders for healing the past.  I have seen instances where people have carried regrets and grudges for almost a lifetime, only to find restoration at the very end.  It is never too late, but why wait so long?  Whom do you need to contact today and apologize to?  Whom do you need to release today from hurts?

 

Prayer the universal prayer: “Lord, I ask that you forgive and release all those who have hurt and harmed me.  I pray that you forgive and release all those whom I have hurt and harmed.” 

 

Pay for it.  I do consulting work for a Federal Prison transitional housing and every week meet people who are paying for their past through fines and incarceration.  Some hold on to the proclamation of injustice. Those who see the justice in it have a newfound peace and a new foundation upon which to built and restore relationships. 

 

“People tend to see only the stubble fields of transitoriness but overlook and forget the full granaries of the past into which they have brought the harvest of their lives: the deeds done, the loves loved, and last but not least, the sufferings they have gone through with courage and dignity.”  Dr. Victor Frankl in Man’s Search for Significance

 

Redeem it.  At least to a degree.  Redeem comes from two Latin words combining “back” and “again”.  Hence, to redeem is to buy back, or to retain a possession, or to fulfill a promise.  It is to be rescued from wrongs and its heavy price. The thief can become an honest productive citizen. The lazy person can become productive.  The unscholarly can return to school.  

 

I saw a movie where an absent father became a doting grandfather.  When the hurt son asked why his father was now being so attentive, the man replied, “I feel God has given me another chance.”  In the process, the father and son formed a closer relationship with each other and with the lad. 

 

Forgive it.  And forgive yourself in the process.  Do not waste time and energy on unresolved issues.  Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.  Let go of the past, good and bad, and move into freedom.  It takes courage to be an overcomer.  It takes timidity to hide and to place blame. 

 

Forgiveness is to know your worth and value regardless of the infraction by you or against you. Forgiveness is to quit rehashing the event and re-feeling the emotions. Forgiveness is to give up your right to get even for having been hurt or misunderstood.

Forgiveness is a great way to start 2014.  Happy New Year. 

 

Need trainer?  Mona Dunkin leads individuals and companies to greater levels of success. Contact her at mona@solutionprinciples.com  View training topics at www.monadunkin.com

Telling Your Story

“God made man because he loves stories.” Elie Wiesel

Everyone has a story and it needs to be told. Everyone has a unique life-experience; honor it. We are all connected –like the threads of a delicate cashmere sweater – and when one strand is broken, the whole is affected. Your family needs your story. You complete them in ways that you, or they, may take years to understand.

My mother kept a diary. Although the entries were scattered, my siblings and I have been blessed by her recorded journey. Through reading her thoughts, we gleaned awareness of her struggles and appreciated her strength. I gained insight into her character that, as a child, I either never noticed or took for granted. Through sharing her experiences, she shared her self.

Someone proclaimed that computerized robots would replace people. Robots are smart enough all right, but only because living, breathing, loving, intelligent human beings programmed their stories into them. Without that unique human element, computers are just blinking cursors.

Abigail Thomas, teacher of memory-writing seminars, says there is no right or wrong way to write your story. One can start at the beginning and continue up until today. Or start at the end and reflect back. Or pick and choose those special moments and compile your own unique book of short stories. She encourages writers to determine their motive for storytelling.

Having identified with Laura Ingles Wilder and Little House on the Prairie, my motive was to relate to our daughter my wonder years. Writing about life on the farm in West Virginia is more non-fiction than autobiography. Although based on facts, the conversations and outcomes may be more fantasy and embellishment than truth.

Ms. Thomas gives her students writing assignments, such as outline a specific ten-year period of your life in two pages. As one writes down choppy outline sentences – Kerrville camping trips, rainstorms in the pop-up, the found kittens - two things begin to transpire. One is that each fragmented idea floods your mind with record-able memories (Mick Collins was delighted the deluge had given us a story to distinguish one camping trip from another), and the other is the ability to pick and choose the most pertinent recollections.

Give pause for your mind to become a story-teller-thinker. Rather than rack your brain for stories to write, use times of routine chores to give your mind free-range wanderings, to think randomly and to casually associate past and present. Hear the sounds around you. Choose to be silent to reacquaint “yourself with yourself”.

Ideas come haphazardly. Keep a pad and pencil handy to jot down your musings. Just write them down without elaboration. Make notes whether they make sense or not, whether they are connected or not. As you go about your daily routine (or while sleeping), your mind – like finding pieces of a puzzle – will begin to stitch these happenings together.

When you sit down to record your stories, your muse will show up. You will begin to see how you got here from there. You will begin to recount how lives are connected and build on each other. You will see clearly and fuzzily, you will laugh and cry, you will discover contradictions and harmonies. You will appreciate all the lives you have lived (and I’m not talking Shirley McClain).

Your children and your grandchildren and your great-grandchildren will thank you. You are one of God’s creations. And you have a great story to tell.

Agreement vs. Appeasement

Have you ever been guilty of agreeing when you did not really agree only to be caught up in a conundrum?  Then, because the non-agreement was not a contract – it was just a front to avoid the unpleasantness - you went on your merry way doing whatever you chose?  And it backfired on you?  It damaged your credibility? It cast doubt on your ethics? It may have even done damage to the relationship? You were called to task for not acting on your pseudo-agreement?  You find yourself stuck in excuses and rationalization and justification?   

 

“Oh what a tangled web we weave when we practice to deceive.” Sir Walter Scott

 

One may think that agreeing to appease makes things easier, but does it really? It may pacify for today, but what about tomorrow? Or next week? Or ten years down the road? Does mollifying place strain on the relationship? Is each non-truthful act another blow to the dividing wedge?

 

What will continue conciliating do for your health - physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually?

 

Stuck is when you keep moving and it’s time to be still. That rubbing movement causes friction that leads to provocation, the very thing your false agreement was trying to avoid.

 

In a moment of stillness, consider the hard truth that no one likes to be pacified. You do not like it. S/he does not like it. Although we absolutely cannot read another’s mind, yet there is something mystical about knowingly/unknowingly discerning what is truth or lie.

 

You perceive legitimacy/falsehood in others. They perceive legitimacy/falsehood in you.

 

The current moment is attached to all your future moments. Make them ring true.

 

Think with the mind and know with the heart. Be proactive by deciding in advance how you will response when the faithfulness of life and relationships presents this scenario again. Decide your truth beforehand. Not for a canned or condescending reply, but for comfort and flow.

 

Sometimes a person will “agree” with an aggressor as a way of stopping communication. Take a moment to dialogue with yourself to find your truth then verbalize it rather than deflect. If your agreement is not true, summons the courage to speak your truth in love. “I think I understand where you are coming and I do not agree.”  “It is alright with me if you fill-in-the-blank and I choose not to be a part.” Note that a simple “and” instead of a “but” softens a descending comment. 

 

See the value in the relationship. As you work to repair the damage, respect will bloom again. 

 

Need a speaker?  Need a Life-Coach? Contact Mona at mona@monadunkin.com 

Getting Our Needs Met

Relationships are about need vs. need. Healthy relationships give and receive for the good of the whole. When your need is being frustrated by his need (and vice-versa) the key to maintain harmony is in learning to be responsive rather than reactive. 

 

You may ask, "But HOW?"

 

I love when people ask the question. If we try to give an answer before the question is being asked, no matter how wise our words, it falls on weak ears.  Let's start with the solution before we address the problem. 

 

Solution:  Start your day by choosing to invest time to set yourself up to have a great rest of the day. Making time to 'pray it forward' is enough to guarantee that you will be in charge of your thoughts throughout the day.  And, after all it is our thoughts that produce our emotions. A few minutes of sincere meditation/prayer gives you a different nervous system for the entire day.

 

Problem:  The content of our thinking produces our receptivity. The cells of our body have two modes, and one and only one mode operates at a time. Our cells are either open for growth or closed for defense.  By going into defense mode one compromises the optimal function of his/her nervous, endocrine and autoimmune systems.  Not only does defensiveness harm relationships, it harms you physically, emotionally and spiritually. 

 

Our thoughts produce our emotions.  So listen to what you are thinking because that is what is stirring up your emotions.  When you set the condition of me against you, you ironically set the conditions for you to be against yourself. It’s called “destroying your own house”.  

 

It is more about you than it is about them. There may be some truth to thinking that the situation will get better when the other person changes but it is not an absolute truth. How so? A person may genuinely be making strides (clumsy and inept) to cooperate but as long as we look at their actions through our angry glasses, we will fail to appreciate their effort and misjudge their intent and disregard their point. Even if our basic need is being met we neglect to notice.   

The progress s/he makes is in keeping with his innate gifting which is often different than the way we would do things.  Irony: opposites attract. We are drawn to someone whose strength compliments our weakness. We are repelled by that same someone when she does not measure up to our expectations.

But what if he never changes?  Then we have to decide if it is a deal breaker or not. If it is a not a deal breaker then look inside for your own answers.  Sometimes for the good of the whole we have to lower our expectations.  That is not to throw a wet blanket on hope; it is to dampen unrealistic expectations.  Assertive is making a request without demanding it.  

Honesty with self promotes personal growth. Every day you have a chance to set into motion positive changes in your relationships. It’s like the disgruntled office worker said when she began to appreciate her job and her co-workers, “These people around here sure have changed!” 

Maybe the Golden Rule really does work.  Respond to others in a respectful manner and give room to grow into reciprocating in kind out of their own human dignity.  Negotiate – give and receive - for the good of the whole. 

Again, you may ask, “But HOW?” 

Answer: Graciously. In the Bible verse, "God's grace is sufficient" the verb "is" is a past/present/future reality. As in…

        Past: God's grace was sufficient yesterday I just chose to say, "No thanks, I'll handle this myself, thank you anyway!" 

 

        Present: God's grace is sufficient today (right this second) and is a reality awaiting my acceptance and employment. 

 

       Future: God's grace will be present tomorrow or next week or whenever it is needed. 

 

There is always a current supply of grace to us and through us; grace can be refused or used but it cannot be horded or stored up. Like the manna in the wilderness saved grace becomes stale. Grace is delivered fresh, toasty warm and sweet smelling from God's outpost within you.  Receive it. Share it. Bask in the needs-fulfilling nourishment it gives in all relationships.