Johnny Whiskey

Recently I discovered this defunct fellow bottom shelf troller.  Good ole' Johnny Whiskey.  Too bad the project was abandoned, the writing is gold:

start with the smell.  old crow burns your nose and makes you sad that you are going to drink it.  there's really nothing in the way of yummy whiskey smell --  just burny pain.  and a hint of rich mahogany.*

Also if anyone knows of a BYOB Taco Bell let me know.  I want to drink cheap white wine and eat Doritos Tacos Locos.  Am willing to relocate.

Bottom shelf treasures

Mister Booze crossed the horizon and reached through the fabric of the space time continuum and pulled some treasures from the bottom shelf of yesteryear.  I hope to have a full report after the weekend.  Cheers!

Homebrew report card

Time's up!  Put your pencils down.  And how did you do, blueberry and pomegranate blend?  Let's see, first we check the nose.  The smell is off.  A sour smell.  I blame the baker's yeast.  The taste is ok, smooth but also a bit sour.  I thought the juice blend was a bit sour for this project.  I will try a straight grape juice blend before I condemn this project entirely.  Still, it is a drinkable alcoholic beverage.  I'd guess I hauled 3 liters worth of hooch for less than 5 dollars.  I'd grade this a "gentleman's C".  Ok, maybe C-.  Also, I don't have a hydrometer so I don't know how strong it is.  I'm guessing maybe 13% but who knows.  Perhaps it just needed more sugar.  Sugar is fungible in these kitchen projects...

I think this strain of yeast would be better served brewing a beer or something made from cereals rather than fruit though.  Maybe it is worth it to get that winemaker's yeast.  I wonder if that is something teenagers today can buy?  Surely you don't need ID to buy yeast, right?

At the very least you could easily mix this with Diet Coke or something.  Probably a cola, though Coke is too expensive these days.  Is this the poor man's Kalimotxo?

Did I used to be stupid? A homebrewing experiment

I've understood the basics behind fermentation for a long time.  You need three ingredients:  water, sugar, and yeast.  The yeast float around in the water and eat the sugar, releasing alcohol as a waste product.  This is really basic stuff.  Knowing this, why did I ever bother with a fake ID when I was younger?  I wasn't going to bars.  Why not just brew my own booze in my dorm room?  Way easier and cheaper.  I would have made my room the Goldeneye/Street Fighter 2 mecca.  Maybe it is because I knew nothing of cooking and didn't realize that they sell yeast in the grocery store.  Anyone can simply buy the stuff.  Yeah, I know you want brewer's yeast not baking yeast.  But I'm sure the baking yeast will do in a jiffy.

Back then the interwebs was a dark place, full of shitty geosites webplaces and terrible midi files that played in the background when you loaded a site.  These days kids have everything handed to them.  Like this awesome tutorial on how to make your own dorm wine.  Man if I was young again I would kick so much ass...

So I'm running a little experiment to see if I am truly a more enlightened person now than I was back then.  I went to the store and bought some cans of Old Orchard 100% juice blueberry and pomegranate.  It is the frozen stuff and has no preservatives.  Preservatives will kill the yeast, duh, so only use preservative free juice.  It is also less then 2 dollars per can, so very much recession/college student pricerange.  I was hoping to get mango because when was the last time you drank mango booze that wasn't some overpriced mangotini crap?  But I didn't see the mango stuff at the store.  Oh well, maybe next time.

2 cans of juice is less than 4 dollars and yields 48 fluid ounces.  That's about 1 1/2 liters, which is decent for a first brew.  Granulated sugar is like 3 bucks for a big bag, and yeast is three bucks for a big jar.  But the sugar and yeast will give you many yields, so maybe a dollar's worth of sugar and yeast gives you a yield.  So maybe 5.50 for 1.5 liters of hooch.

For the carboy I'm using the big 4 liter Carlo Rossi wine jug.  Even as a youth I could get these:  my old man loves that Paisano.




If you were a youth needing a big carboy on the cheap and your dad doesn't like rotgut wine, you'll have to stick with the plastic jug.  I hate drinking from plastic.

So I'll see how long it takes to make wine with no instructions (other than the website I liked, the information therein I already knew).  I'll see if it tastes better than malt liquor.  I'll see how easy it is, how cheap it is, how strong it is, etc.

Are college kids still making fake IDs?  Or are they smart and making their own hooch?  After all college is more expensive now than ever.  And since high school is like a prison I'd wager that the more intrepid kids are making their own pruno but what do I know.  I'm thinking that the time it takes to ferment is probably the weakest part of this project, but I had nothing to do in high school.  Especially those lazy halcyon days of summer.  Shoulda spent my time loading up the back of my closet with bottles of hooch.  I coulda run that place like Al Capone.



This is what booze know-how looks like

End of year list: Revenge!

This is the time of year when people typically make lists. Children make lists for Santa. Guilty make new year's resolutions lists. Pundits make best of lists. Mister Booze makes revenge lists.

First up is the person pictured below wearing my coat, Mr. Carach Angren



Do you see what I see?

Now I know who outbid me on Ebay for that coat! And look, you're going to smear makeup on the collar. Do you have any idea how much it costs to have a coat like that dry cleaned? Do you? Yes, revenge is in store for you Mr. Angren. Side note: don't you feel bad for the gentleman (gentlewoman?) on the right who could not afford a matching coat on Ebay and had to get a cheaper gray one that is only single breasted?

Next up, the makers of Old Charter bourbon. You know what you did, and when we meet you'll know why you have it coming.



It is all fun and games until someone buys a bottle isn't it?

Sgt. D, for getting the following song stuck in my head:



I don't know what ice cream paint job means, but I spent a week saying "Cream on the inside, clean on the outside". Thanks.

Finally, the office fascists who think they can stop the godmachine.



You cannot stop it. Don't even try.

So there you have it. Sadly, I made very few enemies this year, and have a short revenge list.

Start saving for Christmas

I know that Christmas is a long way off. But if you are looking for something really special...how about a still? Check out stilldrinkin's awesome still page:

"So easy even an 8 year old girl can pull off a killer run!"

Its never too early for baby to start moonshining! Yes, I'm talking to you!

What I like best about this site is that they refer to your end product as "hooch". Awesome.

Adventures in Scotch

I have it on good authority that the best bottle of Scotch under 15 dollars is McMasters. Its tagline is "the taste will never compete with both the memories it leaves and steals". Thinking back to excessive McMasters and vomiting (not me personally) makes me want to drink whiskey from a 15 dollar bottle of hooch and raise hell. Why is no one in this town cool enough for this simple mission?