Openness

         I feel too much I don't know if I can say anything, but I can say that I get scared sometimes.  I am learning to open up to people and be more vulnerable than I have ever been in my entire life. My walls are truly coming down, one at a time, slowly. 
   I think the thing that scares me the most is letting go of that control, control of my own image, control of what I allow people to see of me, and letting them truly see me. It scares me so much, but at the same time, its so worth the risk when it means better friendships and relationships.   

That is all. Supper short, I know. but wow!! Kind of overwhelmed tonight.  Thanks again for all my friends, I love you guys

Sparkles, Wolfs, and Headless Vampires

 If you couldn't guess from the title this post is going to be about Twilight, well actually, about Breaking Dawn  Part Deux.   

My counselor has encouraged me to be more open and honest about things, so I am gonna start right here and right now, with something that is incredibly difficult for me to admit....

I used to be really really into twilight. I loved the books. I was kind of obsessed with them at one point. And. Then.... I saw the first movie.  and , I moved.  To Western Washington,  and took a few Twilight tours with friends and family. Not official ones. We did our own.

I watched three of the movies. I never saw Breaking Dawn part one. I don't want to. I never planned to watch Breaking Dawn Part two.

That is the truth, and here is how I wound up watching tonight.

My friend Jennifer is back in town for a few days for Thanksgiving.  She wanted to do something with me and our friend Karen. They decided we would go to Breaking Dawn so that we could see Taylor Lautner with his shirt off again. OK, That IS worth it, I wont lie.  But mainly, I went to hang out with my friends. This is how I found the movie....


It started, and then the special effects were super cheesy. I actually was laughing. Out loud. In the theater. Especially during the beginning hunt scene. Was this supposed to be a drug induced experience? it kind of felt like it.  Then, Kristin Stewart killed a Cougar, and growled at it.  ha ha ha ha. I still cant stop laughing. Seriously? you growled at that cougar?    Also there were a lot of these little fairy flower things floating in the field. What? I don't get that still. 

But then the movie started for realzies and it was way better than I thought it would be. Sure, there were still some cheesy lines- its Twilight, its a drama/ romance thing, you have to have cheese.  There was also a distinct, in my opinion, lack of lines. I was wondering for a while if maybe I was watching Downton Abbey, because they did a lot of looks. lots of looks. I have no idea what was going on, they just looked at the camera in silence a lot, like "Read my mind please". And then, a vampire got its head ripped off. It was kind of gross.  I wont mention how I felt about the sex scenes, I am pretty sure it lived up to the awkwardness I felt reading the book, so that means it was a success?    

Now, I've pretty much ripped on this, but the truth is, apart from a moment or two of motion sickness , I LOVED IT!!! I haven't laughed that hard in a really long time. And, the battle scene was not at all like I imagined reading the book, but it was really great and I loved it.  My favorite was that Dakota fanning was supper creepy with her crazy red eyes and merciless infliction of pain, Christopher Heyerdal is the MAN! I got really excited when I saw him, that may be because I recently watched Sanctuary again. He is such a lovable evil villain and a scary good guy that I can't help but love anything he is in.   Michael Sheen is just so sweetly evil that it makes him horrifyingly scary because he is so nice about wanting to destroy you for your own good.  Even Robert Pattinson has gotten back in my good books again, because he was so improved over previous Twilights that I think my love of Cedric Diggory is restored. Yay!!  he was killed by Voldemort, reborn as a sparkly Vampire and finally grew to be an actor I can enjoy watching.   Oh yeah, did I mention Taylor Lautner takes of his shirt?  yup. By the end of the movie, I was sad it was over. I even stayed through a good portion of the credits listening to that lovely Christina Perry song that I want played at my wedding. When it was over, I was very sad. I actually wanted more.   Its easy to hate on Twilight.  A lot of teenage girls get giggly about it, and it is cheesy, but I will admit right here and right now, that I would pay money to go see that movie again. It felt good to laugh so much. I really enjoyed myself. I may even read the books again.        

The best moment of the night though, came as my friends and I were walking out of the theatre. Karen turned and said " My daughter is NEVER dating my teenage boyfriend"   ha ha, AMEN to that Karen!!!    


Also, The previews some of them were horrifically terrifying, like that Mommy one or whatever. Creepy children.  I want to see the zombie one, Les Miserables, and the Hobbit. Everything else was crap.   And that is how I feel about  Breaking Dawn  Part 2, bring on The Host, and hopefully the first half of that movie moves faster than the book did. 

Finding My Forgotten Carol, A Thanksgiving Eve Adventure

Oh what a day its been.  I have never cried so much.  I am not sure I can even really begin to explain, but you know I am going to try.

I went to bed last night at 1:30 in the morning, because after a week of starting to get a little off balance again, I needed a girls night, and I needed to talk to my best friend about all the junk in my head I had been running away from and not dealing with.

At 6:30 this morning, I woke up, threw on some work out wear, grabbed my skate bag, and headed to the rink for my first skating lesson since like April. It was good. It was hard work. It was crazy fun. I was slightly sore after, but I have the most amazingly awesome Finnish woman for a coach, and when I don't put the correct arm in front, she tells me in Finnish, and some how I understand that better.  I worked on stroking and 3 turns. It was basic, it was small, but some how this progressing slowly and rebuilding all my skating almost from scratch is making me a better, more patient and controlled skater, and I think, as painful and slow as this year has been, its a good thing.

After skating I ran to the store and made some thanks giving preparations, mainly  cooking down pumpkin to make my pumpkin pie and soup. I had about three hours to eat lunch, do some reading and work on my work book pages I had been avoiding all week before it was time to head off to my counseling session with  Josh Weed   Who is an Amazing person and and excellent counselor.   I would encourage everyone to read his blog, especially his unicorn club post, but they are all great.  Traffic was HORRENDOUS both going to and coming back from Auburn, so I was late, and it took me an extra half hour to get home.

Result:  After a very emotional session of dealing with everything I had ran away from all week, I drove straight home and had a total of FIVE minutes  to take my dog out to pee and then run  jump in my friend Dan's car to go to the Forgotten Carols in Seattle.  Result: I was pretty primed for an emotional cry baby night.

Dan and I stopped at Faddo's for dinner, because its my favorite and  it was pretty close to Benaroya Hall where the show was. mmmm tasty Irish food and champions league soccer / football.  nice.  we ate so much we had to practically roll ourselves up the steep Seattle hills.  When we got to BH, I had to pee, because I drank three glasses of water in the hour we were at Faddos. This is a common theme for me this week.  Any way, Dan had handed me my ticket and we were going to meet at our seats. He bought my ticket as a Christmas present, best present ever.  I approached an usher for direction, and she told me it was right toward the front. When I realized how close to the front, I NEARLY  DIED.  we were on the second row they were using for people, four rows back from the stage. I have never sat that close ever in my life. ever. ever!!!

I almost started crying then and there. It was clear that I was doomed.  The lights dimmed and with the first flute note tears came streaming down my face, and have continued ever sense. I felt so much there tonight, so much I haven't felt in a long time, so much I have never felt because I wouldn't allow myself to.  My first feeling was how much my mom loves the forgotten carols, and my memories of Christmases past watching with her, or listening to the CD constantly while cleaning the house. I love my mom.  By the end of the show, I really just wanted my mom there to give her a big hug. At intermission I went and bought the second to last one they had of a very special Christmas tree Ornament to give to her. I will talk more about this later.  As the show played on I loved the songs as much if not more than ever, the power of the words and the melody captivated my soul.

But this was an experience for me like never before. I have gone to this show before, but this is the first time I have every understood Constance.  I was there with her every moment in shared pain, and shared joy. When the part about her not being able to have children came up, and the song "Mary let me hold her baby" I thought of how blessed I was to have friends with kids that let me, every now and then, get to have little mini mommy moments, even though I'm not really their mom,  I like when I get to have some kind of experience like that and help my friends out.  I am also now incredibly grateful for my new call to the primary.  I finally have reached the point in my life where I really would like the experience of being a mom.  and I really related to the character in that moment.  There were many other things like this that happened for me. I cried the whole time.

What got me was in the end. I knew this was coming, but singing together "We can be together forever someday". That song always reminds me of my French sister Laeitita. She was our foreign  exchange student for three years. I stayed with her family for one summer too.  I remember the last time we took Laetitia to the airport,  I sang her that song, and she nearly hit me and then she started crying, and my dad yelled at me to stop because I was upsetting her. And I yelled back that I was just trying to express how I felt the only way I knew how. I still miss my friend Laetitia.

I grabbed some quick signatures from the cast. One of the senior couples in my mission knew one of the lead actress and that is the whole reason I ended up going tonight. It was a Thanksgiving miracle and the best Thanksgiving eve ever. I had to meet our common friend. And I told Michael McLean about how I once skating to one of the  songs from the forgotten carols for my personal progress project, or something. I wish I still had that video.   Any way, then we headed out into the cold down to the ferry.

On the way in to Seattle as I walked through the pedestrian bridge/homeless camp, I saw someones bed. I was so cold and all I could think of is how hard that would be, and that I was really glad I was not homeless.  On the way back my heart was full, and so were my eyes - of tears-  and my head was full of song. As we approached the  homeless area of the bridge one of the Forgotten Carols popped into my head :  "Homeless, Homeless, like the Christ child was, we are not homeless, homeless.. for in his love there  is a home."  and I wanted to do something, anything to share the love I felt at that moment.


AND THEN I SAW HIM....  the homeless man that has been apart of my life since I moved here over four years ago. Almost daily this man sweeps the bridge, clearing leaves and debris  and helping so it doesn't flood in the rain, and it isn't dirty and gross.  When he is away from this spot, when he isn't there to sweep, it backs up and we have to cross a lake to get to work, and then my feet are cold and wet all day and I am sad. Every time I see this man, I think of the great service he does to all of us, and he does it just so that its clean.  I saw him, and I heard the song. I thought about the goodies in my bag I had bought. I really couldn't see him having a way to play a CD, so I reached in and gave him the one thing that I could, the one thing that seemed to symbolize everything he stood for to me, the Christmas tree ornament.

 Tears filled my eyes,  and  my voice cracked as I just handed him the little white box and said " thank you so much for always sweeping this bridge, it means so much to me. here is a special Christmas ornament"  I don't know, what use that will be for him, or if it will mean anything to him at all. But for weeks I have wanted to thank him, to do something. That is all I could think to do, and so I did it, and then I walked away crying, and texted my mom that her Christmas present went to a homeless guy. Merry Christmas Mom.  Then I cried in the ferry terminal. Then I got on the ferry and cried some more. then I got on facebook and wrote about it and cried some more.  Then my friends told me I should write a song about it, so I did, but Facebook wouldn't let me post, and it was lost.  So, I will try again.

Water, water every where, but mostly in my eyes, here upon the ferry, riding at even tide.
Water, water every where, he cleaned every day, so I could walk freely without water in my way.
In the dark of the night, as the wind screams and howls my heart is full of light and love and truth the more somehow.  I'm crying on the ferry, I'm crying in the town. My heart is full, I have such joy, my tears are warmth somehow.


I wanted to end with a thought or two more. the two women that encouraged me to make up a song about crying on the ferry are very important to me right now.  They both have shown amazing amounts of love and friendship to me and made me feel so loved. Earlier this week I was really struggling, and one of them made it her goal , nay, her mission to make me smile and be happy. I don't know that I can express what that meant to me, especially since I had only just seen her at church and never really talked to her individually before. Why did she care about me? why did it matter if I had a bad day? I don't know but her attempts to make me smile were successful beyond all imagination and now I really love her for it and always will.  I have really great friends. I have a great family, I am very blessed, and I am thankful for counseling combined with the forgotten carols to well and truly turn me into a big blubbering baby for the day.   No running from feelings right now, they are running down my face.  Happy Thanksgiving all, I am thankful for you, I am thankful for your love, and I am thankful for Jesus Christ and his gospel.  I have never felt such gratitude before, I love it. God really does know me and gives me just what I need. 

I Couldn't Hear Nobody Sing

 Yesterday I  went through 3.5 hrs of choir practices on some much less than easy songs. It was a blast by by the end I was exhausted, and my throat was exhausted.  I didn't know one could get so tired singing. 
  Today I woke up, and wisely chose to rest my voice and just listen to some of the numbers to prepare for tonight's concert. That helped me finally memorize all the words and that came in handy.

  My attempts at resting my voice ended when I got to church and remembered it was also our Ward choir performance. Then I was going to not sing the hymns during sacrament meeting. I tried, but when music plays I have to sing. Then I went and taught primary, and I had to keep quieting the kids. then, it was singing time.  in the words of one of the songs we performed tonight- How can I keep from singing?  When its the Book of Mormon stories song, and the snow man song I cant.  
  
 So I left church with a more tired voice than I started, and one hour to eat dinner and get to the Stake center.  I ran home, finished dinner and ate, being sure not to eat any cheese or dairy.  I had to do something to relax my voice and throat, so I drank hot water with lemon and honey. I drank probably a liter of it, then I took off to the church.  

  As we started our practice I didn't see how I would be able to sing, but my muscles relaxed and my voice warmed up and things were looking good. Anytime we took a break I drank some water. With a half hour till time to start, I really had to pee.  But practice wasn't over. I waited.  Fifteen minutes to go, still practicing.  Finally with three minutes till we had to be back in our seat I was able to rush to the bathroom.  I thought I was safe. 

 As we sat waiting for the rest of the choir to take their seats, my good friend Katie started making up her own words to some of our songs. She would sing part of Cindy, and then she started changing the words to I Couldn't Hear Nobody Pray, to I couldn't hear nobody sing. I was busting up.  I could hear somebody singing, she was sitting right next to me ,and I was smiling.

About two songs into our 10 song repertoire all that water I drank came back to haunt me. I had to pee again, and we had 45 minutes to go. 45 minutes of not just singing but also dancing and clapping, but I did it, I made it through ,and I had a blast. Now my voice is gone, My throat is tired, and I am ready for sleep.  and I don't wanna hear nobody sing, till tomorrow. 

A Fun New Way to Grocery Shop

Sometimes I get bored. I get really bored.  Then, I get creative. 

Today, I was tired, and bored, but I needed to do my grocery shopping. I put it off for about four hours while I watched four episodes of Merlin. Great show, I love it. 

Finally, after a lovely episode about a quest to an enchanted magical far off land to get a trident from a magical sea king, I decided it was time to go shopping. Of course, after four hours of watching someone do "magic" with their eyes, and re-painting my Harry Potter wand I made last Monday, I was feeling my boredom and fatigue change into creativity. 

As I walked into Wal-mart, suddenly I was on a quest to find all my Thank giving food items. I walked down each aisle of the food department, and I stared intensely at the objects on the shelf, pretending my magic eyes were helping me find my food products. It was a blast. I've never had so much fun grocery shopping.

You may have just stepped out of a Bond movie if...

Every now and again, I feel the need to do a top ten list.  Tonight is one of those. Just came home from the New James Bond- Sky Fall.  So here is its.. 

The Top Ten  Signs You Just Stepped Out of a Bond Movie

10. As you run to the theatre restrooms to beat the post movie crowds,  you carefully check the feet under the stalls and then kick open the door to your stall before you go in. 

9. You use the mirrors in the bathroom to make sure the other person in the bathroom isn't pulling a weapon on you as you dry your hands in the industrial strength hand dryer.

8. You feel like there is sexual tension everywhere and that at any moment  you and/ or people around you may just start making out. Then you realize none of you are spies and you don't want to make out with any of them,  but a part of you thinks that despite the grey in his beard , Daniel Craig was super sexy and maybe you just want to make out with him.

7. When you get home, you cautiously approach your house, surveying the dark and misty land around you for anyone lurking in the shadows, and you think of your bow and arrows, and exactly where they are located in the house, and how you should use them if you need to.

6. You carefully (yeah, you don't want to do any damage, you realize you aren't bond) kick the door open, and immediately check behind every door, closet, shower curtain, and couch just to be sure no one is waiting in the wings to catch you unawares and kill you before you can kill them.

5. You start referring to your dog as Q, and pretend his rawhide is a cool technical gadget or explosive device - Toss it away, and take cover.

4. Your roommate texts you if you can leave the door unlocked for them because they are coming home late, and you inform them that that would be unwise, they may see some Bond action themselves if they wake you from sleep and you've left the door unlocked.

3. You sign off said text  simply as M.

2. You boot up your computer and as you write a blog, you listen to the amazing vocals of Adelle singing Skyfall, and you have the urge to do one of those roll things and then pop up with your fingers pointed like a fake gun.  You also think how you should someday don a spy type outfit and skate to this song.

1.You end the night by listening to a medley of James Bond movie theme songs on YouTube.


yup, probably best not to startle me tonight in any way. 
  thanks,
M

Lessons in the Benefits of Self-Care

So, apart from my dreams and nightmares, one thing we spent sometime talking about yesterday at Counseling it the need for self care. Today I tried to take care of that. Its my goal for the week in fact ,maybe even my homework. 
  
In the past months, but especially the past month I haven't done so well at this. A lot of it has to do with the fact that I have battled injury after injury and when I can't go run or skate, I tend to just give up. Having buckets of Halloween candy lying around the house didn't help either, nor the fact that I just couldn't stand up long enough to really cook. The swelling in my ankle has gone down considerably, so I was thinking of going skating Saturday till I realized, its still a little swollen and a little sore and that would be incredibly stupid of me. 

 But, I did start exercising again, in moderation. I am limiting myself to what I can reasonably do without causing greater injury, but I have to do some sort of physical exercise or I start to feel  horrible about myself. I also am giving away all my candy tomorrow to one of my co workers. I don't want it, and if its here, I will eat it because it is here. I have got fruit, veggies, home cooked lunch,  and green smoothies. For a few weeks I went crazy eating tons of sugar and meat. This causes me to gain weight and feel horrible really really quickly, so I am going pescitarian again, and I am sticking to my two meal a week meat exception - for poultry only.  None of my clothes are fitting, and there is no reason for them to not, if I don't eat junk all the time.       

In addition to eating right, and exercising correctly, I cleaned my house. I have to have cleanliness and order at home or I feel like my life is out of control. I looked at my bank account. Knowing where I am with my finances also helps me not to stress as much about them.  I also spent a little time working on music stuff , and watching Merlin- because I need some fun, Playing with my dog, and finally a bit of journaling. Oh and I finally made sure to read my scriptures this morning. I skipped two days and I felt it.  So now I feel balanced, I'm gonna take a shower, and work on the final piece of my puzzle off self-care, and my biggest struggle- SLEEP.  new rule. computer off at ten. Maybe I  will go to bed earlier, maybe I wont, but at least I'll have a fighting chance of success at it. 

I already feel so much better about myself just for doing these little things. Seriously- I spent 12 minutes working out, and it helped. and I was careful not to stress my ankle. I made a healthy and taste dinner and felt good after I ate it.  I am already seeing why taking care of myself is so important. Well, fifteen minutes to computer out time, So goodnight all.

Reavers at Counseling

So, Today was a very very interesting day.  

Wait, wait, back up.  

So Monday was a very very interesting day.  I worked an hour late and then I prepared to work from home Tuesday. I was carrying my rolly, and its kind of heavy, and I was super tired, so I forgot that the buses switch places an hour later than my normal run, so I got on the bus to Suqualmish instead of Poulsbo. 
  I didn't realize I was on the wrong bus until ( in complete darkness) I got off the bus in totally unfamiliar territory.  Luckily I read the park and ride sign and figured it out and  used the phone a friend option.  In addition, at this same time I got a call from my Counselor that he needed to reschedule my appointment permanently to a new day. Usually we meet on Tuesday, but he just moved to a new building this week, so we would need to change it to Wednesday if possible because the new place his scheduling wont include Tuesdays. He shares an office.  
  Any way, so I was a complete mess at this point because everything seemed to be going wrong. I made a few phone calls and straightened everything out, and then I called my friend I was going to have Family Home Evening with to cancel because I was emotionally exhausted. Instead I got her boyfriend promising me free food, and that my friend was fixing everyone's bad days, so if I just came over it would all be good. He did not lie, and I am happy I went.....
       Now on to today.

So, Today was a very very interesting day. I only went to one wrong building when trying to find my new place for counseling. Slightly disoriented me I think, because I couldn't remember anything I  had wanted to talk about by the time I got there. So we randomly hit on things that happened over the last week, until it came up about my strange and intense dreams, nightmares and other stuff I've had through out my life. Usually more frequent with stress and a lack of sleep.   
    One of my other friends experiences something similar called Hypnagogic hallucinations. There are also Hypnopompic hallucinations that happen right as you are transitioning to waking up. I believe the later is what happens with me, but we aren't really sure yet. So today at therapy we spent most the time talking about these crazy between being in a dream and being awake things I have. 

 And this is where my counselors knowledge of Firefly/ Serenity  came in handy.  "have you seen Firefly? do you know what Reavers are?" I started..  He did. "well, one time dreamed they were coming out of my wall, and I was awake but not awake, and I thought it was real until I woke up completely and then walked over (terrified) and turned on the light."  I have no doubt that this will take some more hours to figure out. Especially since I couldn't remember the word of what my friend told me these dream/ hallucinations are until after counseling when I texted to ask her.  
  Apart from one really vivid crazy  but not really scary one of these dream things  (no reavers this time)  I had  last week, I haven't had them since last February when I was having pretty extreme troubles sleeping, so hopefully it doesn't start up again, or we can figure it out so I don't have to deal with them.  But you never know when a knowledge of Firefly will come in handy, so watch and make sure you are well versed no matter your profession.

I know I am getting stressed right now because, well I got on the wrong bus Monday, but today I  missed my exit on the way home. My brain is disconnecting right now, which happens when I get stressed, I forget everything, I just go straight to auto pilot. Saturday I forgot super Saturday and i have been looking forward to it  for a while.  The dream last week, My eating habits, everything is pointing to me needing to handle some stress a little better. Well, I am aware at least, so that's a start.   Hello, My name is Mandi and I am slightly stressed out right now, and you would be too if Reavers showed up at your counseling session.

Of Politics, College Football And the 5th of November

  Slowly over the past weeks, a recognition of a highly annoying, but I think true, concept has dawned on me.  There are a great too many similarities between how people treat political issues and elections, and how they treat, cheer for, and participate in college football/basketball games. 
  I am going to keep this short, because honestly I have had enough politics for a life time (this coming from a Poly Sci minor,) but this election, and some political debates before hand ( cough cough Chik-Fil-A)  have become so much an us vs them mentality that it absolutely drives me nuts. The number of people who are voting for this person or that person just because  "all good people are Democrats and everyone else is a stupid head" or  "all good people are Republicans and everyone else is a do do face"  is just about enough to make us independents insane.  Honestly all the Facebook posting about how evil and horrible this or that candidate or issue is have just about driven me up a wall. 
  The fact that we had to preface this with people telling me that I had to either eat a chicken sandwich or avoid eating a chicken sandwich at a specific restaurant or I was a horrible person have me just about ready to blow a gasket.   You people line up sporting your red and blue like its BYU vs the Uof U and you just have to prove that your team is heaven sent that the other one is of the devil.  The country is mapped out this way, it flashes on TV, in news papers. People count down on their facebook, to the moment either their team wins or our country suddenly spirals to hell and fails to exist.  
   well, since we are talking colors, our flag colors are red, white and blue. If we are all taking sides, and picking teams, I pick team white. I call for a truce.  Cant we all just get along? Agree to disagree? have our opinions but be willing to objectively look at things from other peoples perspectives without automatically judging them as evil horrible villains? This is not a college football game folks, this is the running of our country, and if we don't bring it together, we ain't never gonna get nothing done.   
  Today is Guy Fawkes day in  parts of the world. As I think of the historical aspects of that day remembered, the day before we vote for a lot of important things,  I just want everyone to take a second and realize  Its not worth getting all crazy and driving each other crazy. No need to go figuratively (or literally) blowing things up. Yes, these are important decisions we are making, but Rome was not built, nor did it fall in a day, neither will we.  
 No need to go all  panic attack here lets take a moment, step back, and see if we can't catch a glimpse of a bigger picture, and maybe come together a bit more.  Maybe we can see it less as an us vs them competition as more of an us vs us competition and try to find the middle ground where we can all be a little more happy and a little less at each others throats and in each others FaceBook about things?  
 OK wishful thinking, like me saying this would be a short post.  All I am saying is, can we please treat this and future elections, issues, life and our country a little bit less like a college football game where the winners just rub it in the losers face and try to rub it in as much as possible? can we maybe see how we are all just people with different ideas but the same goal- to have a greater place to live and raise our families?  I don't know that that's possible, but I will say, its my dream.  probably wont happen, so I am going to go to sleep now.  Go vote. Vote for what is best for you, for your family, for your country, whatever you determine that to be, and please quit telling me about it on Facebook. I've already voted. I don't care  who wins tomorrow, I voted for what I though best, I hope you do the same. Que Sera Sera.