Best & Worst 2009 Edition

BEST

• Getting seeing 2 pink lines 4x's.
• New insurance that covers *everything* in March
• DH's 24th birthday
• My 27th birthday
• Moving into our new house
• Moo's 4th birthday
• Gulf Shores
• Gatlinburg x 2
• Getting back together w/DH
• Our 1 year Anniversary
• Our 4 Christmases
• Snow
• Family Reunions
• Allison Renee
• Baby Kendall Morrigan
• Our new RE
• My new PCP
• New bloggy friends
• My SIL setting the date for her wedding..12-31-10..1 year from today!!!

WORST

• 4 miscarriages
• Baby loss the last 2 Christmases in a row
• Seperating from DH for 3 months
• Getting carjacked
• Getting our cars broken into multiple times
• Breaking 2 GPS systems
• Having to move
• Gallbladder attacks
• Fist sized ulcer
• Owing $900 to various medical facilities
• Obama being elected president
• His new healthcare plan
• Still being childless AND not pregnant
• People getting pregnant all the time, w/ease, all around me
• Did I mention the miscarriages?

All in all, I think this has been one of the toughest years of my life...and I am more then ready to see it go. Would I do it all again to get to the place where DH & I are are now? Yes. Am I hopeful for the future..yes..but it's a tempered hope. Thank you so, SO much for reading & following my story along. Your comments, well wishes, love, and hope have meant more to me then I could ever say. So, farewell 2009. Welcome to the next decade..2010!!!

Christmas 2009 (Photo Heavy, yay!!)

On the m/c front, I called the doc & told her I wanted to get this show on the road, my numbers have dropped significantly so I asked her if I could take my Prometrium from last time. She said yes (is this okay?) and said to watch for signs of infection/massive bleeding/lots of pain etc. So Im gonna start that tonight. I don't want to wait until the 1st (which was her original request) because then I'd be going through the majority of the badness during the week, at least this way I'll *hopefully* get the really bad part out of the way while I have a few days off and can just lay around. Anywho, maybe thats not the best way to lead into our Christmas pictures, but whatever. Oh, and I *really* want to post our parents reaction to the baby news, but now that it's not happening..I don't know, it's just weird. Gah, onward.

*Oh yeah!! Today is my parents 37th (!!!!) wedding anniversary & my friend Candi's 23rd birthday..yaaay!*

Okay..so this is me & Miss Allison at my parents house on Christmas Eve. She isn't wearing a muzzle, it's called a "Gentle Leader". It is *amazing* how it changes her behavior. She goes berserkers w/o it. Anyway, I feel like this is a pretty good pic of the 2 of us, minus the fact that Al isn't looking at the camera. Oh well. Get what you get w/a dog.

Me again..opening one of my gifts from Moo-Moo. Inside this big box was about 7 other boxes, getting smaller in size. Finally, at the inside of a box the size of an envelope was a wrapped Visa gift card. Niiiiice. Also, I got a pair of fuzzy socks that have the grippers on the bottom and when you move, they smell like peppermint. How rad is that?!

So, maybe we went a little overboard? As if I could ever in my life not w/this girl. As previously mentioned (in another post) I struggle to not get her new stuff when there is no reason. A justified reason to buy Moo stuff!? Bring it.

This is DH & Allie. I don't know what it is about this pic that makes me kind of crack up. I think it's the seriousness of DH's face. And how still Allie is being. Classic.

So my parents have *always* all of my life NOT been dog people. As you can see in this pic, our dog got a present this year. They are big fans of our Allie. She is literally a member of our family, as you will see in the following pics.

This is my momma and my cousin Gracie (who was 363 days old in this picture). See why I want to make this woman a grandma?








This is DH w/one of his 3 presents from Moo. It's reversible and yes it is a flag & no we do not have a flag pole. Did he use it as a blanket during the Colts game last Sunday? Yes he did. Gotta love DH=)

Im pretty sure Christmas is one of DH's favorite holidays. He gets SO excited opening the most mundane gifts. Im pretty sure this was a pic of his opening his 180 ear muffs.

My mom & dad got me this frog stained glass nightlight from the Arts & Craft community when they were in Gatlinburg. It's handblown glass & pretty much rocks..Minus the light part is so bright it's light sunlight in our room..Hmm, are there different watts in nightlights?

Moo is (was?) massively in love w/my snuggie. So we found this froggie one & got it for her. She INSISTED that we hang it on our over the door hanger in our closet so the snuggies could be together. "I'll wear it everytime I come over." She would not take it off all weekend, except when she slept. She is really into nudity these days and the snuggie made her "waay too hot."

Harry Potter 6. Seriously, one of my top 3 favorite gifts..along w/my bath pillow & diamond earrings. Cause seriously, you know the HP addiction. I was so pumped, as you can see.

This is my *gorgeous* SIL. She looks amazing in every single picture, even the "surprise" ones. I don't get it. Gah. And yes, we are getting along better. Still kind of a bumpy road, but I think she finally realized that we are family, and we need to act like it. Oh, and my baby Moo =)

Dude, we saw this hat @ Target and it just screeeeamed "take me home & give me to Moo-Moo." So we obeyed, and do you see the outcome? Adorable!!

This is the SIL again & her *almost* fiance Chad. We call them almost because the ring is bought & the date is set (maybe) and all he has to do is propose. Im pretty sure it will be on their 1st anniversary (March 7th). He is very sweet and they are very cute together..as you can see.

This is me, DH, & Gracie-Boo. I puffy heart this picture even though I look like hell..thank you acne!! DH looks so natural w/the baby. Gah. Stab.

This is my mom & dad. My momma is seriously asking my dad what he got before he even got it open. He was like "uh, do you see the wrapping still on the present?" Lol. See, there is *no* sarcasm in our family tree.

And lastly this is the Wolfe family. Or, the Wolfe-Joyner-Newman-Dove-Wright family. These are all of my aunt & uncles, except our Arkansas/Maryland family and uncle Tom, who is taking the picture. And I am not kidding when I say that we did not pose Allie. She sat like that for all 10 pictures we took like this. What a good dog. Everyone was impressed=)

Alrighty then. I have no clue as to why this thing is aligning things in the center, but it is, so sorry for the mid-blog weirdness. Hopefully Im not overloading everyone w/pictures, but I had to post them. There are only about 115 total..Love it & love all of you!!!

Deep Thoughts

So I was sitting in the bathtub, using my new Twilight Woods bubble bath (thanks DH) and reading Franny & Zooey (thanks Melissa) and couldn't stop thinking. I took the bath to forget, but that didn't work out. My thoughts, if you care to read, in bulleted formation.

• I wondered if I could pray the baby back to life? I mean, I know most likely not, but maybe? Or maybe Im just going crazy? Nothing has started yet & Im still having mindf*ck symptoms (nausea, exhaustion, migraines) <--which also most likely means things are about to get in motion. I just want this to be over, or to be a f*cking real pregnancy.
• What have I done to deserve this? Is it because DH & I had issues last spring? Am I being punished because we were going to seperate? We are more in love now then we ever have been, he means the world to me. Granted, we still have our issues, but who doesn't? Why does some foodstamp mamma deserve to have 5 babies & I can't have one? Just one. Please?
• I feel "tainted" (what a ridiculous word). I tried to scrub it off in the tub. I rubbed my skin til it was red & raw, and still felt like shit. Like I can't get away from this stupid RPL business. Part of me just wanted to stay under the water until this all over..I mean I don't want to die or anything crazy, I just want to hide until Im done.
• I still have the numb feeling. Is that normal? I don't know that I can mourn anymore. I don't want to add anymore f*cking "rememberance boxes" to my sidebar. Where is my "pregnancy countdown?"
• I have the *bestest* DH..He is really struggling w/this loss, but is more concerned about me. He's making sure Im okay, and tells me Im taking things really well. I don't think he knows exactly what to say (which is fine) but he tries. He "made" me watch The Hangover..and it totally helped. I actually laughed quite a few times..before I remembered..and he just held me.
• I have a great doggie. Miss Allison just cracks me up & I think she knows what's going on..she just stays by my side. Yay for fur-babies.

Okay, thats all for now. I totally want to post Christmas pictures, but Im just not there yet. I know I shouldn't let this ruin Christmas, but it has. 2 years in a row my stupid body has ruined Christmas. Rad. Gah, off to watch The Hangover again..

Blog Changes

So I've gone through about 5 blog backgrounds and this one seems to fit w/what Im feeling. Black. And it's simple. Which my life completely is not. And I like the red/white/black/robins egg blue color scheme. It just feels calm..which I am also not. DH says Im taking this "too" well..But Im just numb. Not really feeling anything, ready for the bleeding to start so I can get over this quicker (as if you *ever* get over loosing a baby). I just feel sick. Thank you so much for your kind words and support. I wanted to make sure I told you here in case I don't get to your blog to thank you in "person." It means the world to me.

Nope

Got the call. Sorry for the wait.
Not a viable pregnancy.
"Let nature take it course. Should start miscarrying in a few days."
If it doesn't happen by next Monday, I have to go in again.
We did get the okay to do Femara on our next cycle, I guess thats the light at the darkest tunnel of my life.
And I thought 2010 had to be better then 2009 by default alone. Bahahahaha.
I can't even bring myself to cry or anything right now. I did when she was taking the blood, but I am just so numb, so shocked. I really felt different, I really had symptoms, I really was pregnant. My body let another baby go. What is wrong w/me?!?!?!?
Thank you for your neverending love & support. I just want to be in denial the next few days & not deal with things, ya know?
Okay, Im going to go drown myself in good wine, a great DH, and hysterical movies. And try not to loose my mind.

So We Wait

Had my blood drawn at 1pm. We will know by 5pm what the situation is. I went ahead and picked up the Femara (does anyone know the difference between this & Clomid?) just because I don't have a good feeling and don't want to pay OOP (since our deductible starts over the 1st). I'd say thats a pretty great turn-around time. Im hoping for a miracle, but we'll see. Be back at 5:01 to tell you the news.

Questionable

• Took another test, super faint positive, but still positive I guess.
• Im pretty sure it's not gonne be good news tomorrow, but Im praying that it is.
• I feel numb. I have that feeling in the pit of my stomach that things aren't good, but I was so sick today and *exhausted*.
• I am currently hating my body. I feel useless.

A Quick Post

Firstly, let me just say a big THANK YOU for all the love, support, and congratulations..it means more then I could ever tell you. I've had to show DH and he says to tell all of my "blog friends" thank you as well. Secondly, the worst case scenario thoughts and what ifs hit me all at once today. I am terrified about getting my beta test done. I've had awful, what I guess are symptoms. Terrible migraines for the last 2 days, nausea (all day, but it starts in the morning) and I've been exhausted. I've basically been in bed all day today. We were going to go to chuch, but I was so sick this morning, I couldn't even get out of bed. I've been really dizzy too. Gah, if these aren't symptoms, then Im really sick. And even though I still feel "different" I don't trust my feelings. Im just so scared. I don't know what Im gonna do if this doesn't work out. Right now, we are going w/what we know, and that is 2 positive tests. Im gonna buy some more today to take another one. I have not gotten up the courage to take a digital yet. Gah, scared. Don't like it. I wish I could just get a gurantee..I mean I know I can't, but I want one. And then, if the biggest fear happens, how long do we have to wait to try again? And there's no gurantee there either. Ugh. DH still says I am, that I am never sick like this, esp. the nausea, and he still wants to tell his dad & step-mom today. I just want everything to be fine. Im *really* tempted to wait until Jan. 1 to call the doctor (I KNOW) but that is when AF would be late. And we've never tested + early, so I think we are pg, just..ugh. My head is just racing. I want to be excited..but it's a tempered excitement..And I will post more pics soon. Of our 4(!!!) Christmase's tomorrow, and the grandparents reactions..Love you all!!

Still Flabbergasted

So this is what I saw at 5am this morning. I woke up to get the BFN out of the way and so we could start our Clomid ASAP. This came up about 1 minute later. We're only 12DPO, I ovulated early it appears. In my half-asleep state, I put it in the drawer. When we woke up to open presents, and it was still like this, I ran out to show DH and he saw it immedietly and started tearing up..aww..And DH is my gauge. We've never gotten a positive this early or this apparent. It's darker in person. Hopefully you can see it, and you don't think Im just posting a BFN. Lol.


<---A most welcome BFP. (EDD 09-01-10..we're 4wks2d)

 And this pretty much sums up our Christmas..I just *feel* different if that means anything. We have about 8 million more pictures, and the grandparents reactions on camera finding out..I'll post those tomorrow after we tell the last set of grandparents..




Im still flabbergasted. It still hasn't set in. DH has been talking to and kissing my belly all day..lol. And there most likely won't be any belly shots, cause, uh, I already have a belly & it is *not* cute. Please, if I may ask, keep me in your prayers. Im having worse case scenario thoughts (4 m/c's in the last year will do that to you) and Im terrified I may not recover if something happens. As previously mentioned, I just *feel* different. And we usually don't get a BFP until Im 4-7 days late. So this is a big deal. Thank you God, for this Christmas miracle. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Merry Christmas!!!

Remember the #1 thing on my Christmas list this year!?.......







I got it!!!! =)

Christmas Eve

Now, technically, it's 12:46am, making it Christmas..but these pics are from *earlier* tonight..Christmas Eve w/my dad's extended family. It was nice. We took Allie, otherwise known as "grand-dog" and all of the family loved her and she was SO well behaved. My aunt & uncle, that have the hellion children, that I've talekd about a few times were there (obviously) and their kids are SO effing bad!!!! You have no idea. They have absolutely no boundaries and when they first got to my parents house, they tried to KICK Allie. I almost lost my sh*t. We had to discipline them all evening. Out of the three kids, the only good one is the baby (who is celebrating her 1st bday on Saturday!!) and thats because she can't talk yet. Gah. Anyway, here are pics from earlier this evening. Enjoy!!

This would be DH & Allie..I like this picture big time..She is being SO good!!

And this is me & DD (darling dog). I actually looked good in the majority of the pics tonight..Then when I got home, my face exploded into acne. It's awesome.

This would be my parents & my DH & I. My parents have *never* been dog people. In fact, my dad has always abhorred them. As you can see, she made the family pic this year =)

When my mom saw these 2 together she said "It's time. Evan is ready for a baby. He is completely natural. He is so ready." And she didn't say it pressuring me, she was just in awe of how easily he took care of Gracie..Please Lord, let me make him a daddy in 2010.

This is my parents tree. It is 9.5 feet tall and has *colored* lights this year!! It is so gorgeous!!

Our family's last name initial. This ornament is pretty much rad. Now I just need one that has a "J" on it =)

And this is a picture of the tree and part of my parents backyard. I feel like it could go in Southern Living or Family Circle..cause Im a great photographer..lol







Okay..it's off to bed for me..Im exhausted. Hope your Christmas is merry & bright!! Love you all!!

Show & Tell-Genetics Edition

So this my very, very first Show & Tell..and I title it "Genetics Edition" because of these 2 pics...

This (these) are my *bright* blue eyes. They get this bright when I am supremely happy or laughing. When I am angry, they get a very dark blue-gray, and when I am tired, they are so blue they are almost green..DH can always tell my mood by my eye color..He says it's one of the freakiest, yet coolest things he's ever seen

This (these) are my husbands gorgeous *green* eyes..I cannot tell you in words or describe the color to you..They are amazing beautiful..and do the same thing as mine. When he is super happy they are a bright green, when he is upset/sad/angry, they are so dark green they are almost black, and when he is tired, they are this color. Green w/blue on the edges. They are gorgeous, GORGEOUS.



So, back to the genetic edition. I have decided to stop saying "IF" we have babies but to say "WHEN" we have babies. So when we have babies, regard less of anything else, they will have gorgeous (and color-changing) eyes. I hope we have at least one that have DH green eyes. He is the only green eyed child in his family and I don't think anyone on my side has green eyes. We are all blue-eyed or hazel eyed people. So there's my first (quite random) show & tell..Go see what the rest of the class is sharing =)

Feeling Christmas-sy

So as of now...well actually in a few minutes..I will be starting my Christmas cooking (3 chocolate crunch cheesecakes & Italian Style stuffing) and I love it! I am also wrapping presents (I KNOW) and I actually *just* finished my shopping tonight. Im worried because I ordered stuff for DH & my dad online from Fry's & Best Buy..and it had a guranteed delivery date by Christmas Eve & it still hasn't arrived. We won't be around very much tomorrow (I have to work til 11:30) and then we are going to my parents house, where we will be til late tomorrow night..so if they come while we aren't here, will they leave them by the front door? Or will they be in the clubhouse? <--if they leave them there, I won't be able to get til Saturday & that will big time suck. GAH!! I've had the worst time w/online ordering this Christmas. Blah.

On the PG front..I don't think this month is our month...in fact, Im so convinced that I called Dr. R and had her call in the meds for next month's cycle...she said I have to have a baseline u/s before I can start them, but if we wait to get them called in until January, we'll have to pay full price (since our ins. starts over in January and we have a $500 deductible and $1000 oop). We also pay 20% coinsurance, so anything we can get taken care of this month (while everything is met) is good. I am, of course, having mindf*ck symptoms..that can also be related to PMS/AF..sore boobies, almost constant peeing, nausea etc. Im 8DPO and of course I took a FRER. *MAYBE* the faintest faint line you've ever seen, but I think it was an evap & it's way too early. I usually start AF anywhere from 26-30 days. So if I don't have AF by Monday, I'll re-test after Christmas..no reason to ruin the holidays w/a BFN. Hopefully January is our month. I just think that 2010 has to better then 2009, by default, and I hope it's our baby year.

Okay..must go get cooking. I'll be back on later to do my commenting..and again, thank you all so much for your support..it means SO much!!

Christmas Meme 2 & an award

Now, I know I've already done one, but this one, stolen from Mrs.Gamgee (who is completely rad, go visit her) has some new questions, and you know how much I love meme's=) Also, I had TWELVE comments today (I can't imagine how people who have like 40 a day feel, lol) and I won an award!!! (This is a long 'un but read through, I promise it's good times!!)

• Firstly, the award came to me from Anissa Rae (who I *met* during the last ICLW) over at Moon N Star Mommy and is the *Lemonade Love* award. I feel very honored to have gotten this award from her. She is one of the bravest, strongest momma's I know, and I feel lucky to be counted as her friend! So thank you very much Anissa!!! So here are the rules and the list of ladies I love=)
-The rules for this award: -Put the Lemonade loge within your post or somewhere on your blog -Nominate 10 blogs w/gratitude or great attitude -Link the nominees w/in your post -Let the nominess know that have won this award by commenting on their blog -Share the love and link back to the person from whom you've won this award (which I've already done, see above) -Here are the 10 bloggies I love
1. Melissa over at So It Goes-So awesome, so supportive, so lucky (I am, to have her as a friend) 2. Aramelle over at A New Wheeler for the World-This woman got me through one of the toughest times of my life last winter..and I am forever greatful! Also, she just welcomed her son on the 15th..so go say congrats!! 3. Alana over at Alana-isms-She left me some bloggy love on this ICLW and I think she deserves this. 4. Erin over at Carrying a Crystal Box-She's always been one of my faves and her son is SO cute =)  5. VA Blondie over at Do Without Doing-She is currently almost 37 weeks pregnant w/a much wished and hoped for baby..So go send her some labor vibes =) 6. AshPash over at Endo-A-GoGo-She is going through some hard times right now and is planning a FET cycle in January..so go wish her love & luck in the new year. 7. Sassy over at Eye Heart Internet-She has just been so supportive of me & knows exactly the right thing to say. 8. Half a Duo over at Half A Duo, Raising a Duo-Another blogger I met this ICLW, who is very honest and eloquent and I am a big fan.  9. Mrs. Gamgee over at Hobbitsh Thoughts & Ramblings-She's always so sweet & lets me steal her meme's all the time ;) 10. Life Happens over at Life Happens When You're Making Other Plans-Another bloggy friend I have found via this month's ICLW. She has such a positive outlook on things and really makes me smile =) See?

Okay, onto the meme =)

Welcome to the Christmas edition of getting to know your friends. Okay, here's what you're supposed to do, and try not to be a SCROOGE!!! Just copy this entire post. Change all the answers so that they apply to you. Then post this on your blog.




1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? That totally depends on what the gift is. For really big or oddly shaped stuff, it's gift bags all the way. Since Im am 100% not a master wrapper, I try to put everything in boxes (including gift cards, I KNOW) because they are easier to wrap. My mom & DH are really, really talented at wrapping presents, so mine always look like a 3yo did them next to theirs, but whatever


2. Real tree or Artificial? I puffy heart real trees, but w/the dog, we just couldn't have one this year. She just isn't patient enough to leave it alone. She struggles enough w/the artificial one. But when we have our own house, I want a real tree, hopefully, I can keep it alive. Im no good w/plants.

3. When do you put up the tree? The tree goes up the day after Thanksgiving. When I was younger, my parents took FOREVER to put the tree up and then left it up til like mid January. Now, I want to enjoy it as much as possible, so it goes up ASAP...and last year, it stayed up til mid January =) Yay.


4. When do you take the tree down? See above. Usually, mid January. I just love and can't fathom taking it down any sooner (until we get a real tree, and then I don't want a dead/brown pine tree in the living room.)



5. Do you like eggnog? Absolutely not. So yucky. I can't even stand the smell.

6. Favorite gift received as a child? My Barbie dreamhouse & Lite Brite. I'd actually like a lite brite this year. Maybe I'll get Moo one as a front, and play w/it myself =)


7. Hardest person to buy for? My grandma. Every year she says she "doesn't need anything" and I can never think of something to get her. She has 2 of everything. So this year she got a nice shirt, a really pretty light blue Chenille sweater and a Fazolis gift card.



8. Easiest person to buy for? Moo or DH. They both like everything I *love* getting stuff for Moo. I struggle not to buy her something new everytime she is over, so a bonafide reason to buy her presents, Im there!!


9. Do you have a nativity scene? We actually have a Smoky Bears nativity, but I can't find it this year..Im sad about that. But we got this really tacky one from one of my PS students from a few years ago & it is our stand in for the Bears.


10. Mail or email Christmas cards? Christmas cards for sure. Each year I've sent out more & more. This year I think we topped out at 40. And we received tons!! I love getting mail each day!!

11. Worst Christmas ever? Last Christmas..Christmas itself wasn't "awful" but I had just had our first m/c on the 19th, so I was still pretty deeply depressed about that....so that put a damper on the festivities.


12. Favorite Christmas Movie(s)? White Christmas & Christmas Vacation..Those are 2 movies that I could (and do) watch over and over, year round.


13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? I try to look for deals all the time, but I really start shopping big time the day after Thanksgiving.


14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? Hahaha..yes. Every year my step-sister-in-law gives me some old fake Bath & Body spray/gel/lotion that stinks big time and I always regift it at the Heidorn Reunion Bingo game.


15 .Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? My mom's 3 layer fudge cake, my chocolate crunch cheesecake, and of course, puppy chow.


16. Lights on the tree? Of course, but only mulitcolored on our tree. Im not a big fan of white lights, but some people can make them look really nice. Im just a bigger fan of the colored ones. Oh, and I love the ones that you can make do different "patterns" (blinking, racing, etc.)


17. Favorite Christmas song? I love all of the old hymns..Silent Night, O Holy Night, the First Noel, etc.


18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? Travel..and stay at home..Christmas Eve we go to my parents house to celebrate w/my dad's family, Christmas day we open presents w/each other, then about lunchtime we go to DH's mom's to open presents and have brunch w/her and his sister & her BF, then the Sunday after Christmas, we have presents and dinner w/his dad's wife & her children. His mom & dad both live about 90 minutes away, so thats *kind of* travelling.


19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer? Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen, & of course, Rudolph=)



21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? I was never allowed to open presents on Christmas Eve, but E and I usually open at least one b/f Christmas. I just love the excitement of Christmas morning, no matter what age I am.


22. Most annoying thing about this time of the year? Always overbuying. I just can't help it. I forget what I bought and then buy more to compensate. Maybe if I didn't wrap everything early?


23. Favorite ornament theme or color? My favorite ornament is our "First Christmas Frogs" and our "Heavenly Peace" angel ornament that is in memory of our lost babies.


24. Favorite for Christmas dinner? My mom's brown sugar baked ham. OMG. SO good. Oh, and her green bean casserole...and my grandma's old world recipe dumplins..and my other grandma's rhubard and strawberry pie..



25. What do you want for Christmas this year? A B-F-P


Okay, sorry this is so long, but I was a big fan of the meme and *had* to mention my award (I feel so special!!)

Oh My Gracious!!

So I got on blogger, and I had FIFTEEN NEW COMMENTS!!! OMG!! That is the most I *ever* gotten!! Thank you so, SO much. I feel so freakin loved!! I will for sure be commenting back on this ICLW..Let me do my intro, just in case your new around here. And please, stay awhile =) Im beaming right now!!

Me
Mai/MrsJoyner/Moo-Age 27
Husband
Evan/DH/Hubs-Age 24 (yep, Im a cougar)
Marital Status
Married: 10-04-08
TTC History
--> 4 miscarriags in 10 months, Deceber 08, March 09, July 09, & August 09. I also miscarried a little girl in December 02, while I was in college, b/f I met DH.
--> My PCP is crazy. She was of absolutely no help while we were trying to conceive and FINALLY sent me to a maternal-fetal medicine specialist after the 4th miscarraige. The MFM immedietly sent me to a RE.
--> My RE is the great and wonderful Dr. R. She ran blood tests on me, and performed and HSG. The blood test showed that I have Factor V-Leiden (heterozygous) (which means that ONE blood test by my PCP after the first miscarriage would have most likely have allowed us to carry to term, awesome). I also had some pretty bad complications from the HSG (only me). I now take Aspirin 81, prenatal vitamins, and omnaprozale (I have a really bad ulcer on my stomach). Im thinking of maybe ordering some preseed for our next cycle.
--> I've always had wonky cycles. I stopped BCP's when we got engaged in September 07. It took almost 12 months for my cycle to regulate itself. It decided to do so on our honeymoon. That was pretty awesome.
--> For the last 3 months I haven't had AF on my own. I have had 3 forced cycles (prometrium).
--> We are doing one last natural cycle (yeah right) and if we don't conceive this month (which we won't, gotta love the optimism) then we start Clomid next month.

So welcome to my world. I use a ton of sarcasm & bad words. We are also particpating in the raising of a little girl named Moo-Moo. She is a former preschool student of mine & we are extremely close to her grandparents, who are raising her. Her dad is in jail & her mother overdosed & died in May 2007, right before her 2nd birthday. She is the light of our world. We also have a super bad, super spoiled Boxer dog named Allie. She is the greatest dog =)

Thank you again for all of the comments, and please stay awhile!!!

Busy, Busy

So I just checked my iGoogle calendar to see what is going on this week..and we are super busy...starting tonight...

I was supposed to go to my parents church this morning, but I have a nice little cold going on and have laryngitis and this morning, had no voice, so I skipped that & E and I have basically just stayed in bed all day. Not doing anything "fun" since he is exhausted, but still, I love it=)

Tonight is Moo-Moo's preschool program at 6:30pm and she doesn't know E is coming (we thought he'd have to work) so she'll be excited to see him. It's always such a cute little program. It's still weird not leading a class of kids up to the sancturary, even though I've been gone over a year. It'll be nice to see al the kiddos again.

This week is so full of things to do & get done. I have to make 3 cheesecakes, 2 of my Italian stuffing, get everything wrapped and labeled. Gah. You know how it goes. I just need to remind myself of why Im doing all of this and not get caught up and forget the reason for the season.

Okay, must go and wake up DH as he is still sleeping and get him ready. We have to leave in about 45 mins. Love you all!!

Early Christmas Pictures

So this is DH & I at my parents house b/f the symphony last night. I thought we looked pretty darn good..and isn't my DH hunky? =)

This is one of the pictures where E just kept clicking the camera. He calls it his paprazzi shots. There's got to be about 20 of them. He looks great. I look like ridiculous.

This is me smiling huge and E making a weird face. This pic just cracks me up.

Here is another pic of us at my parents house. I think we're real cute =)

Did you know you can get buzzed at the symphony?! You can!! I had a Kir Royale..SO good.and hubby bought me 2 truffles..yaay!! (Oh and thats my dear dad in the background)

Here's another paprazzi shot. DH said he loved this one so I had to post it.

Just me. I actually approve of this picture and don't have 2 chins!! Yay!!

And this is DH in his new pinstripe suit. Nice ;)










So there we are. Stupid ol FB isn't letting me upload them to my album on there. We had such a good time, and like I said, I had no idea you could get hammered at the symphony. Yes for that. A Kir Royale is Chambord & Champagne mixed..very good, strong, but not in a way that you even know your getting buzzed. *Score*  I love Yuletide Celebration. Going to the symphony is something I could do once a week. I think orchestra music is so pretty. It's one of my favorite Christmas traditions. We also got a family pic at my parents house, we haven't had one since our wedding back in October 08. Im hoping we can get some family pics of all of my dads siblings & their families on Christmas Eve when they all come over. We'll see how that goes.

E is working the overnight shift tonight at his police job, so that means not very good sleep for me tonight. My parents told me I could come over there, but it's such a long drive now (well 30-45 mins) plus I'd have to take Allie, and all of her junk (it's like having a child, lol). He wasn't able to take the police test yesterday, his BP was super high 200/90!!! I've made him an appointment w/my PCP for Monday..Im not glad in any way that he wasn't able to take the test, but I'd rather him not take it then stroke out or have a heart attack. He's only 24. We need to figure out what the issue is. It scares me.

I wish I knew for sure which day I o'ed on. Supposedly it was the 15th, but I feel like it might have been later. We bd'ed on the 18th, so maybe a late o? I'd LOVE to get PG this month, as you all well know. But I don't have faith that this is our month. Guess we'll see sometime next week.

Okay, gotta go wrap some more presents. Night =)

Exciting!!

So go over & send Aramelle love and congratulations!! She had her baby boy on December 15th!! Welcome to the world Zachary =)

We are going to the Indianapolis Symphony Orchestra's "Yuletide Celebration" tonight. It's part of my parents Christmas gift to us. We've been going since I was 12 years old and we've continued the tradition w/my husband. It's a big ol formal thing and I really like it =) Hopefully, I'll still fit in my LBD.

Okay. Must go get ready. Longer post later Im sure.

Some Things On My Mind

In bulleted formation, duh =)

• Yesterday we had our annual Christmas luncheon at Buca de Beppo (my FAVORITE resteraunt) and we found out who our secret santas were. Prior to this week, I received a box of Whoppers, a penguin ornament, a box of Nerds (my favorite candy) and a candy cane pen. I had *no* idea who mine was..and I love that!! Last year, I totally knew. Anyway, it's was my boss (and friend) KL. She got my a cow that poops candy (and moos jingle bells), a bag of Nestle chocolate covered pretzels, another box of Nerds, Bath & Body Works Twilight Woods body creme & 2 rings. Now the story behind the rings is this, KL has this really pretty pinky ring that is a princess cut gemstone in sterling silver. We were looking through a jewelry magazine one day and I saw it and pointed it, cause she needs a knew one, and apparently she ordered one for me that day. It's sterling silver and amethyst (not my birthstone, but my favorite color.) The other ring is an imitation emerald cut black diamond (emerald cut is my favorite) w/imitation baguette side stones in sterling silver. KL has one that is a 3-stone w/baguette's and I always want to borrow it. So she said they had them at Kohls and got me one a few days after my birthday. They are both so pretty, I'll have to post pics soon. Oh, also, I fractured my right ring finger 5 years ago when I worked at Meijer..and re-fractured it last night. So my ring is swollen on. LOL. Nice.
• Russell won So You Think You Can Dance. He was my favorite...I think Ellenor should have won (she was DH's fave) but whatever. So apparently he got "injured" backstage half-way through the show, but at the end, after he won, he was jumping up and down and dancing around. Hmmm. But anyway, thats fun. Next month, Hell's Kitchen starts again. Yay!!
• There is this new show on TLC (where I watch the baby shows because Im a glutton for punishment) called "Pregnant and.." and these women are in jail, or homeless, or, ADDICTED to METHADONE. This woman was 35 wks PG w/her SECOND child, delivered and got to keep the baby. She delivered 5 wks early, the baby was born addicted & had to have 5 wks of morphine treatment. WTF!? Im healthy, not addicted to anything, have some gallbladder issues & asthma, but thats it, a good husband, a nice house, and even a doggie. Moo is also a built-in big sis...and I can't have ONE child and this b*tch can have TWO children. Whatever. Makes me sick.
• Did you know from 12-2 (am) there is a Golden Girls marathon on the Hallmark Channel? I know, becuase I haven't been able to sleep b/f two since the endoscopy. My insomnia hasn't been this bad since DH and I were seperated over the summer. I don't know what the deal is. I don't feel stressed out (much more then usual) and the Ambien seems to not kick in til it's time to get up. Like, on the drive to work, lol. It's no good. Today I actually had to take a walk outside (in the 23 degree weather) to wake myself up. I was also feeling nauseaus, so the cold helped. Oh, and the nausea has also been horrible this week.
• I pretty much think this cycle is a bust, and Im okay w/that. W/all the other health issues I've been happy, I'd rather be healthy. I mean, of course, I want to be pregnant, but I would SO much rather not be pregnant then have another miscarriage. My face is completely broken out, Im irritable, etc. January 1st will be 30 days (which b/f the miscarriages this summer was normal for me), so I don't know if I'll test around Christmas (cause if I am, I'd love to share that on Christmas day) or wait to test until after the holidays. I don't know that I could handle a BFN on (or around) Christmas. If I haven't started by the 28th, I'll start the prometrium. Im excited about the Clomid cycle because I feel like Dr. R. will have more control, and that makes me feel more hopeful for our success rate. So I said all that to say this, I'd *love* a surprise, Im banking on starting by the 28th, and hopefully a baby in 2010.
• My SIL sent me a pic of the ring her bf put in layaway today. It's not my style (and not hers either, but how do you say no?) and Im pretty sure he's gonna either propose for Christmas or wait til it's paid offa nd propose on their 1yr anniversary (March 7th). They're still thinking a small family wedding in October in Gatlinburg. We'll see how it goes.

Okay, Im actually feeling tired (which means nothing) so Im gonna try to lay down. Love you all!!

*PS* I fell asleep for like 2hrs, and now, Im *wide* awake. Gah.

Bleh

Im pretty sure I o'ed today...and we couldn't BD. Awesome. DH is in so much pain. We tried earlier, but the dog went beserkers and tried to knock down the Christmas tree so we had to stop..and then later this evening DH had such an awful back spasm it little broght him to his knees. So Im not angry about it. Just disappointed. Maybe the New Year will bring some good news. Part of me is hopeful I ovulate, that the tests are dumb (as they have been every other month) or something else completely ridiculous. But Im thinking not. And Im also thinking that if  I don't get PG this month, Im gonna have to do another forced cycle. I haven't started a cycle on my own since the miscarriage in August. I don't know. I just feel like Im off. Whatever. I talked to Dr. R. yesterday, and they said that since Im not having my gallbladder removed (at this time) then I don't have to wait 6wks to do a Clomid cycle. So yay, I guess, for NOT having surgery. She said we can start when my next cycle starts. Can you guys share w/me what the regular protocol is for a Clomid cycle? Esp. if t has to be induced by Prometrium. Thank you a jillion tons in advance =)

Also, the weather has been so up & down here lately. Yesterday it was almost 50, today, the HIGH was 32. It's currently 15 degrees. Awesome. It's screwing w/my sinuses big time. Not to mention, where I live, on a dry, sunny, warm day, drivers here are BAD. When it's snowing, things keep freezing/unfreezing/and re-freezing, they are AWFUL!!! Gah! Im ready for it to be coooolllld. And not because I like the cold, which I do not, but everything freezes and all the bacteria/pollen/mold die! Yay! My throat is just killing me. But whatever, it'll be fine.

Oh, and as a sidenote, Im having..I don't know. It feels like symptoms. I haven't felt like this since I was PG in February. Im crying at dumb sh*t on tv, I feel sick every morning, eating is no good (although those last 2 could be ulcer/gallbladder) related, Im overly sensitive. I don't get the emotionalness and overly-sensitive ness b/f AF or anything. I get bitchier, but what else is new? Oh and  I am EXHAUSTED all day and then absolutely cannot sleep at night. Ugh. Im just banking on these being AF and gallbladder/ulcer issues. If I o'ed early, that'd be amazing, but right now,. not so much .

Ugh, sleepy, more tmorrow

Christmas MeMe

So I totally stole this from Anissa at A Page In My Book..Oh, and go over and wish her a happy 3rd Anniversary!!!

Are you a Black Friday Shopper?


It actually just depends on how Im feeling that day. Last year I cooked our family Thanksgiving (all of it myself) so I was exhausted and we had Moo, so we ended up going out later in the afternoon. Still managed to get some good deals. This year, I did a ton of Black Friday shopping online. Lots of good deals there too!! I remember from my childhood, that we would always be at my grandparents house in Boonville, IN and my mom, her mom (my grandma) and I would go Black Friday shopping at like 5am. It is one of my favorite memories.



When do you put up your Tree?

Our tree goes up the day after Thanksgiving. For the last 2 years, we've had Moo-Moo with us, and she helps decorate..We usually have to "fix" the decorations after she goes to bed because she overloads one side of the tree. I can't wait til we have our own children, so they can help us. Oh, and we always bake something. Last year we did a gingerbread house, this year, a cheesecake=)



Do you Travel at Christmas or Stay home?

Let me tell you our Christmas schedule. Christmas Eve, we go to my parents house for dinner, 7pm is Christmas Eve service at my childhood church (where my parents and grandparents still go) and my dad's whole family is there, then we go back to my parents house for dessert and gift card Bingo. On Christmas day DH & I do our Christmas in the morning, and then we go to his mom's house for brunch and Christmas w/her and his sister (and whomever she is dating at the time). Christmas night, we go back to my parents house and do Christmas gift exchange and dinner w/my mom & dad and my grandma. Then, usually the Sunday after Christmas, we go to Summitville to do Christmas w/his dad and his wife and her kids. It's a whirlwind big time. Oh and sometime in there we have Christmas w/Moo-Moo.



What is your favorite Christmas Movie of All time?

National Lampoons Christmas Vacation and White Christmas. Moo has been watching Christmas Vacation and now it is one of her favorite and she has parts of it memorized..oops. Lol, we watched it in the van on the trip to Boonville yesterday, and my dad, Moo, and myself were reciting the majority of it. My mom was cracking up.


Do you do your own Christmas Baking, what’s your favorite treat?

Every year I make Chocolate Crunch Cheesecake (well for the last 2 years, lol), my mom makes me these Peanut Butter/Chocolate covered Ritz crackers, they are amazing, and of course, Puppy Chow.


Fake or Real Tree?

Real tree. I hate having a fake tree (even though it is really pretty) and we used to have one every year at my parents house, but now they have a huge 10ft tall one, that is gorgeous, and prelit. Also, this has a little bit to do w/trees, but I *hate* white lights. Colored lights only please. Some people make it look really good, and I would never talk bad about Christmas lights (cause they are one of my favorite things), but I am not a fan of white lights.


What day (as a mom) does the actual panic set in to get it all done?

Well, Im not exactly a mom, but panic does set in. This year it was this morning. I didn't realize what a huge impact a $900 medical bill, a HSG and an endoscopy was gonna have on our finances this year. Now granted, we are only paying about $260 for the HSG (and we haven't gotten the bill for the endoscopy yet) but I have missed about 1 day a a week for the last 6 wks. Not to mention, we had Thanksgiving, the day after, and Saturday off from work. That equaled about 15 hours less of work for me. So the panic of how are we gonna afford Christmas for everyone this year, set in about 3pm today. I absolutely am glad I get paid Friday. Seriously. And that DH is doing his part time security job.




Are you still wrapping presents on Christmas Eve?

Most of the time. I actually got a ton of presents done Saturday afternoon and evening, but I love staying up the night before Christmas and wrapping and just basking in the festive-ness.



What Christmas craft do you like the best?

Hmm..I love making handmade ornaments w/Moo-Moo and every year I make new tie blankets for our nieces and nephews. I love making those. They are so soft and cuddly (and easy to make.)



Christmas music. Yes or No, and if yes What is your favorite song?

I am a pretty big fan of Christmas music, but two of our local stations started playing it on NOVEMBER 13th. Im not the biggest fan of it that early. We've been playing it in the office SINCE THEN. Im *almost* sick of it, but most of the time I just tune it out. When Im not at work though, I listen to my downloaded music or our CD's..I can't do Christmas music 24/7. My favorite songs are Silent Night, O Holy Night, Away In A Manger, White Christmas, all of the classics, sung by Bing Crosby, Nat King Cole, etc.



When do you plan to finish all your shopping?

Umm, it HAS to be this weekend. Christmas is less then 2 wks away, lol. Gotta get it done. My DH on the other hand, he is going to buying until the 24th, I know him. He does every year.



When do you take the tree down?

Umm..last year it was the beginning of February..I absolutely love the Christmas tree, I wish I could figure out a reason to keep it up year round. I think it's one reason I would decorate our house in a "rustic" or "country" fashion, just to keep a pine tree up in the house. That might be one way I would use white lights. If I kept a tree up 365. This year, we'll probably take it down sometime in January.



Do you like eggnog?

ABSOLUTELY NOT.  Have you smelled eggnog? Tasted it? Ugh. I don't even like eggnog scented candles.


Hardest person to buy for?

My parents and grandma, by far. What do you buy someone who has everything? Or who doesn't give ANY ideas as to what they want? This year I *made* my mom give me 3 ideas for her and my dad. W/my grandma, I still don't know. My mom even asked me what I was getting her this year because she doesn't know either.


Easiest person to buy for?

DH & Moo-Moo. DH loves everything and always gives me lots of ideas to choose from, or one big expensive thing (like last year it was a PS3) and Moo loves girly stuff (Barbies, Littlest Pet Shop, My Little Pony) so she is SO fun to buy for. Plus, she loves clothes, and I indulge her =)


Worst gift you ever received?

Well, I don't want to complain, because gifts are just that, gifts. But last year, everyone at work got pretty rockin Secret Santa gifts and my SS got me one of those sample lotions from Bath & Body works that you get b/f the scent actually comes out and a mini-Yankee candle. Yeah. Hmm..I sound a little ungrateful, Im really not, it was just kind of anti-climatic.


When do you start shopping for the holidays?

Well, I kind of look for things year round, esp, at the after-Christmas sales. But shopping really kicks in after Thanksgiving. But we usually go to Gatlinburg 2-3x a year and Gulf Shores at least once, and those places have great outlet malls, and I usually can get some really early shopping done there. And I try to buy everything on sale or w/the % off coupons you get in the paper.


Have you ever recycled a present?

Yep. Every year (well since E & I got together) his step-sister A (who is crazasazy) has given me so podunk junk gift that she gets at yard sales, and I re-gift it as the gag gift at the Heidorn reunion as a Bingo prize. Last year I got a "Bath Set" that still had the Goodwill sticker on it. A little cousin got that yesterday =)

Favorite thing to eat during the holidays?

For some reason, everything tastes better during the holidays. I don't know what thats about, but it's true. My mom really does it up special for the 6 wks between Thanksgiving and New Years. She makes all kinds of stuff she doesn't usually do during the year. Like Peanut Brittle ( and I usually don't even like it, but hers=amazing) and my grandma makes strawberry-rhubarb pie from strawberries and rhubarb she grew the past summer and froze, it's me & my dad's FAVORITE. And like I said, we make puppy chow, my chocolate crunch cheesecake, my mom makes her Triple Fudge Layer cake, and she makes the BEST brown sugar coated ham So good!! Oh, and may I add, that she makes us Whiskey Sour slushes before my dads family gets there so we can *deal* w/them a little easier =)


Lights on the tree?

Umm, is this a trick question? Our tree has so many lights on it, it looks like it's on fire. Or "Griswold-ed" as DH said. I almost didn't put our ornaments on because it looked so pretty w/just the lights. The same goes for my parents tree. It's pre-lit, but my dad always adds more (I guess I get my Christmas light fetish from him) and he puts them on so intricately it's like a tree out of Good Housekeeping. I love Christmas lights. We have them on our patio and on the bushes<--those I might convince DH to keep up after Christmas.

Angel on the tree top or a star?

When I was really young (like up to age 7) we had a star that my grandma had gotten from her mom. It finally broke (but my mom and dad still have it) and we had an angel that has Christmas lights in her skirt. It was so pretty to look at. Unfortunately, our tree has a pretty flimsy top, and can't hold any kind of topper, so we have a really pretty red & green bow on top this year. Last year, it was a frog =)

Favorite ornament theme or color?

When I was still living at home, I actually had a miniature tree in my bedroom, it was all purple lights, and purple, silver, and white decorations. I'd love to have 2 trees when we have our own house. One w/the multi-colored lights and ornaments, and one that has all the purple decorations and lights. Oh, and when I was younger we had a blue & white Colts tree. It was so pretty.

What gift are you hoping to receive this year?


A positive HPT. Thats all I want for Christmas.





Okay, sorry this is so long. But I super love meme's almost as much as I love bullets =) Now do yours!!!

Some Pictures

Okay..so here is the original IV site..but since the nurse didn't know what she was doing...the vein blew. It was awesome. Felt really good. This is "the bruise day 1."

Here is it on day 2. Ummm..yeah. Worse then yesterday. This pictures doesn't even do the colors or the swollen-ness justice. It's like a magic rainbow.

Here's what happens when DH makes Moo-Moo breakfast. Chocolate chip pop-tarts and Sprite. Nice. They were letting me sleep in. LOL.

This is Allie's 1st Ornament. We couldn't find a Boxer, but this was really cute and the little collar says "09" on it. Awww.

These are in our kitchen. DH got them for me as a surprise on our honeymoon. I love things like this, like wood words and blocks and stuff. They're my favoritest.

DH also got this for me on our honeymoon. He said it described me to a T. LOL.

Here's our tree, as promised. Completely overloaded. Love it!!

Here is the ornament we got to commemorate our lost babies, Genevieve, Kara, Amanda, Carson, & Mayah.

Here is our angel ornament lit up. So pretty So sad.








That ornament just spoke to me. I wasn't gonna get one. I know. But lately it's been such a struggle to think about how I was pregnant this time last year. How we should have a 4mo. old right now that everyone would be spoiling rotten, that would be keeping us up at night, that I would be nursing at night by the lit up tree. There are pregnant woman everywhere, seriously. And w/Rachel having Kendall (who is gorgeous by the way) was so, so hard. Ugh. I don't if I'll be able to stand it if we get a negative HPT on Christmas day. I don't know. What's the earliest you can test? 10 DPO? I don't remember. I think the earliest I've ever tested positive was 15 DPO. Ugh.

Im feeling okay, minuse the arm pain from the IV. I told her exactly where to put the IV in my left arm. She put it in my FOREARM. What!? That hurt so much, and then the vein blew and I felt it. Omg. Yuck. I thought I uploaded a picture from where the IV actually stayed, but I can't find it. Oops. Then, when I got back to the procedure room, the IV had clotted up, and they said they'd have to redo it. I was like, uh no, you 2 better figure this one out. When they tugged on it a little bit, it started working. That was nice.

We went shopping today and got the majority of our Christmas gifts. I must've wrapped 20 gifts tonight and now my back hurts from leaning over and I cleaned up the kitchen. Oh, and made a cheesecake for our family reunion tomorrow. It's been a big ol day =)

Okay, Im going to bed early tonight. Night,

Baby Girl & Endoscopy Update

Firstly..My good friend Rachel and her husband Marc had a baby girl this morning at 9:15AM. They named her Kendall Morrigan, and although the doctor was predicting a huge baby, this was their smallest one yet!! She is 7lbs. 10oz. 20 inches long..Curly dark hair and dark eyes. Im so excited to meet her!! The c-section was really tough because the baby was transverse and really wedged in the uterus. So they have Rach on pains meds and are keeping her in the hospital on Monday. We'll probably go visit tomrorow or Sunday.

The endoscopy went okay in that there is nothing *major* wrong. I do have an ulcer on my stomach, and the surgeon wants me to change my pain meds strength (Im taking Ultram) but besides that, he doesn't know why Im in this much pain. When he palpated my stomach b/f the scope it was so painful that I was in tears...and I just got off the phone w/my PCP (who called to see how everythng went, Im not used to this kind of awesome patient care!!) and I explained that the pain is a solid 4-5 every day and that it's worse after eating, she has already (on a Friday afternoon no less) faxed an order to radiology for a gallbladder ultrasound and referral to a GI specialist. Also, she is upping my dose of Ultram and calling in the new prescription right now. I am so lucky to have found her. I sometimes feel like Im crazy, or that people are gonna think Im nutso because w/pain, you can't really "see" it and now this stupid endscopy says that it doesn't look like there's anything wrong, I just don't want my doc to think Im making things up. I am cleared, however, to being fertility treatments as soon as we get the results back from the 3 biopsies they did...which should be in 7-10 days. So, nothing will keep me from my meds come January..unless we get pregnant this month on our own..yeah, right.

Im still feeling a little weird, that apparently is a side effect of the Versed. I lost about 6 hours somewhere today, and that is just fine w/me. I think Dr. C. should just start prescribing Versed for when I sleep instead of Ambien. LOL..

Okay, DH is home. More later!!

365

1 year ago today I found out I was pregnant w/our first child, due, August 13, 2009.

365 days later, we're still childless w/4 losses behind us.

What a difference a year makes.

Is anyone else ready for 2009 to be over?

Tomorrow is my surgery, awesome.

Im in complete freak-out mode. I know. Over an edoscopy. Gah.

Feelings

• Accomplished because I finished all of our Christmas cards..today!! Not, 3 days before Christmas or the week after. I actually sent out "New Years" cards 2 years ago..Oops =)
• Bitter: Because people are getting pregnant around me and I know Im not. And I feel like I never will be. I know, pessimistic, but I am. 4 losses in 1 year=complete bitterness.
• Fed Up: With my stupid body. My DH even said that if he knew I hadn't just finished AF, he'd think I was pregnant. Im tired all the time, boobs hurt, nauseated almost constantly, peeing all the time etc. Im sure it's the gallstone/ulcer issue that causing the stomach upset. The boobies & peeing, I don't know. I know Im not even ovulating cause the OPK's say no. But I keep forgetting to take my temp. I get up and get going and THEN remember Im supposed to take it. Gah. I need a reminder card.
• Nervous: Because the endoscopy is Friday. I know it's routine, everyone has them done all the time blah, blah, blah. Nothing is ever easy for me. Refer back to the "routine" HSG that I had tons of bleeding and complications from. Grr. Im also nervous about seeing the hematologist next Tuesday for some reason. Dr. Compton said worse case scenario is that they'll want to put me on Coumadin. PASS. Coumadin interacts w/EVERYTHING, food, other drugs, you have to eat when you take it, you cant eat certain things, etc. I'll only go on it if it's ABSOLUTELY necessary. I think Im also nervous cause the office is "Hematology/Oncology" and that word is scary.
• Disgruntled: Work. Need I say more?
• Hopeful: That this cycle is the one. That if I do get PG this month, we'll being doing an HPT on Christmas Day, wouldn't that be the best Christmas gift ever? A positive HPT? Im trying not to let myself get that far ahead..but a fall baby..that would be fantastic=)
• COLD: This morning when I went to work it was 46 degrees, but 12noon, it was 32, by 6pm it was 22 and right now it is 19. We have 50mph winds, snow, and EVERYTHING is iced over from the monsoons we had last night. We lost power earlier, and parts of Indiana had white-out conditions from the blowing snow. Winter is here!!

Okay, off to cuddle up under the heated blanket, tv, then bed =)

Oh yeah..My friend Rachel's 33rd birthday is tomorrow (Happy Bday) and she checks in for her C-Section on Friday morning at 7am, surgery is scheduled for 9am and by 10am they'll be a happy family of SEVEN!!

Insomnia

It's 12:30am and I can't sleep. Now, granted, I have yet to take my Ambien (Im trying to wean myself off of it). But still, usually by now I can barely keep my eyes open. Especially since today is my long day..but anyway..What is my sleep problem? I've had sleeping issues since I was 18..usually I only get like 5hrs a night..But lately, I've been waking up w/back pain & stomach/gallbladder issues. Last night, I had an awful mid-back spasm so bad DH had to rub my back for 10 minutes at 4am. It was bad. My hip has been "hitched" as well, so I got adjusted today at work, and it seemed to help. But the pain is back, gah. Whatever. I'll be ready for a baby to be up all night when it happens =)

Does anyone know a cure for a steam burn? I made some turkey meatloaf tonight (it was mmmmm good, w/herb mashed potatoes & biscuits.) Anyway, I took the foil off the top and *poof* steam burn on my thumb. It hurt! Made me holler, E thought I was injured. LOL. So I've been using ice, but that seems to make it worse when I take the ice off. Like it hurts way more. So any suggestions would be great.

Okay..haven't done this in a few entries, so I need too =)

3 Thankful Things

1. Our new space heater & heated throw blanket. We are trying to keep our energy bill down (since when it first got cold in November, it was $97 for 3 weeks, WHOA) and I am not turning the heat up past 68. Since my hormones can't seem to regulate themselves, I am almost constanly hot, and DH is freezing cause I won't turn the heat up..lol. So today we got a space heater (one of the safe ones of course) for the living room/kitchen and as an early Christmas present I got DH a heated throw blanket. Kathy introduced me to them, and it is so awesome. I think I let E use it for about an hour before I overtook it. A great invention.
2. My mom and dad: I take for granted how much I talk to my mom when she is around, so since they've been gone for over 2 weeks, it is so wonderful to have them back. There were quite a few times when I wanted to talk on the phone to my mom or get some advice from my dad, and couldn't (in the mountains, they're aren't many cell towers, and on the boat, there's none, obviously). Im glady they're back!!
3. Non-Invasive Surgery: I know that it used to be a major procedure to fix gallbladder/ulcers. Im glad that now they can just go in w/an endoscope and quite possibly fix the problem, or at least see what is going on and not open me up. Im still nervous though..

How was your Monday bloggy friends?