Oscars 2016 aka What the Heck Did I Just Watch?

I didn't really watch the Oscars last night as much as I had it on while I was doing other things, but with increasing frequency I had to push the mute button on the remote control. The Oscars are always a big self-congratulatory party for Hollywood, and I've never taken it seriously as anything other than a fun fashion show where people get to show off plumage both beautiful and bizarre, but this year's Oscars were ... I don't even know what to say.

A few highlights and low points of this hot mess:

• Host Chris Rock's intro monologue was a little ... er ... rocky (I wished he would stop laughing at his own jokes), but when he landed his punches, he landed them hard, and he targeted just about everybody.  On this year's Oscars race relations controversy he didn't spare anybody from Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith ("It's not fair that Will wasn't nominated for Concussion.  But it it also wasn't fair that he got $20 million for Wild Wild West" and "Jada boycotting the Oscars is like me boycotting Rihanna's panties. I wasn't invited!") to the Hollywood elite's "sorority racism" ("We like you, Rhonda, but you're just not a Kappa," to which he added flat out the term "white liberals!"  Wow).
• Louis CK was funnier and more real in his two minutes than the entire battalion of other Oscar presenters.
• On a related note, C-3PO, R2-D2, and BB-8 were warmer and more spontaneous than nearly all their stilted, unfunny human counterparts.  Shoot, the Minions, Buzz Lightyear, and Woody were better. How about next year we dispense with the humans entirely?
• Rock getting Girl Scouts to sell cookies to the audience was actually pretty funny.  
• The evening's attempt to address issues (both internal and external) turned out to be an exercise in surreal, heavy-handed virtual-signalling and tonally weird calls for action.  What was freaking Joe Biden doing on the Oscar stage?  Why were actors giving Crazy Uncle Joe a standing ovation?  Was that really the president of the Academy out there trying to tell people the Oscars were going to fix themselves?  Did the Oscars actually do a musical number about sexual assault? WHAT?
• DiCaprio finally won his Oscar, so maybe people can now quit yapping about his quest for that statuette.  Then he proceeded to turn his acceptance speech into a bully pulpit about global warming, and I pushed the mute button.  The most entertaining thing about The Revenant at the Oscars was the guy in the bear suit applauding in the seats.
• Mad Max did very well in the technical categories!  Still, Ex Machina won the special effects Oscars. SERIOUSLY?
• Whoever wrote the "jokes" and "banter" for the Oscar presenters should be booted. The stuff was not only unfunny or boring, but cringe-inducing for most of the show. Ugh!  How about we stop trying to script banter from here on out?  Watching Russell Crowe attempt to engage in unfunny repartee with Ryan Gosling was agonizing.  Just get out there, announce the nominees, anoint the winner, and go away!
• The In Memoriam segment, surprisingly, wasn't terrible.  Iconic video clips from departed icons Christopher Lee, Alan Rickman, and David Bowie were very good, and the Oscars achieved its only moment of emotional resonance for me by ending the montage with Leonard Nimoy as Spock in Star Trek 2 with that line.
• Sam Smith somehow won the musical Oscar with his miserable tune from Spectre. Horrible.

Enough of this mess. Let's get to what really matters: the outfits on the red carpet. The fashion was as much a hot mess as the rest of the show.  Oh, I miss Joan Rivers' acid-tongued commentary.  A few people managed not to look awful, but ...

• Kate Winslet wore a shiny black trash bag.
• Olivia Munn in her orange dress looked like a traffic cone.
• Charlize Theron and Olivia Wilde clearly thought they were competing for the Oscar for Most Exposed Sternum.
• Cate Blanchett kept her dress in the pantry too long, and it had started to sprout by the time the Oscars rolled around.
• Rooney Mara dug out a dress from a previous century but failed to notice that moths had eaten a huge chunk out of the middle.
• Refreshingly, Chris Rock pointed out that people always ask the girls what they're wearing because all the guys are wearing the same thing (black tuxedos): "If George Clooney wore a lime green suit with a swan coming out of his [butt]," Rock proclaimed, "you can bet we'd all be asking what he was wearing - !"

Fugly or Fabulous? Declaration of Independence Skorts for 4th of July

What say you?  I think I can see myself wearing them to a good 4th of July cookout ...

Fugly or Fabulous? The Fiber Optic Dress

Fiber Optic Dress from Natalie Walsh on Vimeo.

I'M BAAAACK. Here's a Movie Review, My Adoring Public!

Absence makes the heart grow fungus -- I mean, FONDER.  

Yup, I've been ludicrously busy in Nerdworld (it's conference season, my lovelies!), but I finally can catch a breath.  So here's a peace offering: Get ready for a ton of movie reviews all in a row, beginning with ...

Con-Hair

So in this Oscar-nominated 2013 movie's 1970s-era parade of brash con artists, ill-tempered Feds, corrupt New Jersey politicians, and the Mafia, just who is playing whom?  You'll spend two glorious hours trying to figure that out even as you marvel at Christian Bale's incredible comb-over, Jennifer Lawrence's bouffant, and Bradley Cooper's super-tight perm.  (Seriously, I'm surprised this flick didn't win the Academy Award for Best Makeup and Hairstyling. Look at Amy Adams' hair!  LOOK AT IT!)

I don't want to say too much about the elaborate plot because I don't want to spoil anything.  Suffice it to say that in the hands of a lesser director and a lesser cast it could have gone badly wrong, but David O. Russell and his gloriously perfect cast (there's not a single actor out of place) turn it into one of the best movies of 2013.  The colorfully quirky, larger-than-life personalities race, rocket, and roar through the scenes, and they do it with flawless style.  You know, "style" is not the first word that I think of when I think of "1970s," but somehow the sheer confidence and zest that the cast bring to the project make even the perms and polyester seem completely plausible.

The con is on with Irving Rosenfeld (Bale) and his partner Sydney Prosser (Adams), but when they get tangled up with a Fed with ambitions of his own (Cooper), the Mafia, and a corruptible politician from Camden, New Jersey (Jeremy Renner, as far from his Hawkeye role as he can be), the action kicks into high gear.  Add Rosalyn (Lawrence), Irv's total loose cannon of an estranged wife who just might throw a wrench into every plan, and you've got yourself an Oscar-caliber caper and then some (This flick was indeed nominated for 4 Oscars.)

In short, don't miss American Hustle.  As complex and sharply intelligent as it is compellingly constructed and occasionally laugh-out-loud hilarious, it is as visually irresistible and scintillating as ... as ... must not descend into a 70's reference ... as a disco ball!  (Dang it!)

Mad Minerva gives American Hustle a grade of A.  The soundtrack alone deserves it.  So does Jennifer Lawrence's sprayed-into-oblivion hair and Christian Bale's amazing transformation from gorgeous hunk into balding, paunchy Irv Rosenfeld.

RottenTomatoes gives it the bona fide Fresh rating of 93%.

American Hustle runs 138 minutes and is rated R for language (e.g., F-bombs galore), some sexual situations, and brief violence.

Fugly or Fabulous: 2014 Oscar Fashions

Here you go.

Winners: 

• I loved Jennifer Lawrence's bright outfit, though I just wished, wished, wished that it didn't come with saddlebags.  JLaw did manage to fall again ... delightfully.  As Alessandra exclaimed, "We've all got a girl-crush on Jennifer Lawrence!"
• Lupita N'yong'o was an absolute vision in ice blue.  You go, girl.
• Sandra Bullock in splendid indigo-violet.  Bravo!
• Viola Davis looked lovely in green.  Bonus points for those waves in her hair.

Losers:

• Everyone who wore a nude/beige/flesh-colored dress, and I do mean everybody. BOOOORING.
• Emma Watson in a gray outfit with a weird high neckline. Sorry, Hermione, but you should have given this outfit the old Avada Kedavra.
• Kelly Ripa.  Good grief, someone get that woman a sandwich.  Emaciation is not pretty.
• Michael B. Jordan, what are those things on your feet?
• Ireland Baldwin's total mess.   Somehow the lace makes it worse.

Worst of the worst: 

• Pharrell Williams wearing a tuxedo jacket with shorts.  SHORTS.  Not since Demi Moore wore bike shorts to the Oscars in 1989 has this atrocity been attempted.
• Liza Minnelli in an electric blue pantsuit with hair to match.  Ugh.

LOLympics: Trouser Trouble

Honestly, I love these guys with their crazy outfits.  I think it's wonderfully fun. So do a lot of other folks, and the colorful patterned outfits of the Norwegian men's curling team have become celebrities in their own right.  See, for instance, a daily tracker of the different patterns!

So fugly it's fabulous.

So, inevitably, there will be haters.  Apparently now the haters are squeaking complaints demanding to know if the pants are legal to wear under the terms of the IOC and the World Curling Federation.  Neither organization has really responded, but the Norwegians did, and this made me laugh out loud.  The team, in response to the kerfuffle about their pants, posted this photo:

Don't like our colorful trousers?  Fine, we won't wear them.

Kudos, guys!  That's world-class sass right there, especially the fellow at the far right.  

The only way this could be better is if the undies had the same loud, colorful patterns as the actual competition outfits, but I don't think the guys had enough time to arrange custom undies.  Hey! How about this for an idea: make a Norwegian Men's Curling Team CALENDAR?

PS: I found the pants in a form I would wear in warmer weather.  Cute, no?

Shoes Fit For Exam Time

I should wear these dark beauties these to terrify my students at exam time!

Fugly or Fabulous? Updos for Guys

I laughed out loud.  Sassy!

Fugly or Fabulous? The Swedish Transport Dress Code Revolt

OK, so the Stockholm train company has decided that its staff can't wear shorts even though the summer's here, and it's too darn hot.  Nope, according to Arriva, you may wear either trousers or skirts, but not shorts.  You shouldn't be surprised, then, to hear that 13 intrepid, fashion-forward employees have opted for this:

I'm too sexy for this train.

Sir Richard Branson Loses A Bet

And how!

Forgotten History: Guys and High Heels

Once upon a time, the ladies weren't the only ones who loved high heels. OK, as long as we don't go back to this!

Movie Madness: "Argo" Wins Best Picture

I actually watched the Oscars last night, and it was a doozy.  If you want a taste of it, see Nikki Finke's refreshingly candid live-blogging of it, and I think she's basically on target, especially with the bit about Michelle Obama's cameo. (NO, it's not the same as when Reagan did something. He was legitimately an actor before he entered politics and was once president of the Screen Actors Guild and did much in that capacity. The Obamas' endless attention-seeking in entertainment venues is getting tiresome fast. It makes serious politics into some stupid endless celebrity reality show, and I hit the mute button.  Besides, must we politicize everything?  Geez. Still, here's a zinger from the Insta-Prof.)

I was delighted, though, that Argo won Best Picture.  Apparently today Iranian state TV is slamming it.  Whatever.  Other outlets are complaining about it for various reasons, not the least of which is about - ah - creative liberties taken with historical details.  I'm actually OK with such liberties because this is a movie, not a documentary, and I'm interested in whether it works as a movie, as a gripping narrative.  AND IT DOES.  Kudos to Affleck too and his personal tale of failures eventually turning to success.

Still, I was really just watching for the fashions and faux pas, and there were plenty of both. Jennifer Lawrence is goofily hilarious and ever more so despite (and quite possibly because of) falling on stage in a ridiculously puffy dress (oh, bonus: chivalry lives as Hugh Jackman and Bradley Cooper rushed to help her up), but I also couldn't help noticing:

• George Clooney's gray-streaked beard has got to go.  It looked as if it were a flesh-eating fungus determined to gulp down his neck. And it made him look old.  Ben Affleck, take note.
• Jennifer Garner's strapless purple dress might have looked fine as an elegant column dress on its own, but it had BUM RUFFLES.  Not only were they bum ruffles, they were a cascading waterfall of chiffon monstrosities that peeked out all around her.  Lady, sit down and squash them before they destroy the earth!
• That woman who won a technical award and showed up in fuchsia pink leggings.  No.  Just ... no!  The 80s are long gone, and not even Cyndi Lauper dresses like that anymore!
• Bradley Cooper's hair looks like an overturned wok, and it also looks twice as shiny and three times as solid.
• Heidi Klum and Catherine Zeta-Jones both attempted to look like Oscar figurines in their respective shiny gold dresses, and they both failed horribly.
• Jessica Chastain looked lovely in her bronze beaded dress - one shade lighter and it would have washed out her pale complexion entirely - and thank goodness she went for bright red lipstick.  Still, why do stylists like to put redheads in beige tones?  It's dreadful.  Put her in plum or hunter green or the right kind of black dress!
• Helena Bonham Carter looked like a corpsy Gothic disaster, but since she looks like that at every awards show, this now just makes her boring.
• Sorry, but I wasn't a fan of Anne Hathaway's pale pink outfit. I thought it was too full of ribbons and gaps when it wasn't looking weird about her neck. Yeah, I know it's going for the trend in "side-boob," but I don't like it.
• Quentin Tarantino gets points for originality with his black leather necktie.
• Melissa McCarthy is one funny lady, but her dress wasn't amusing at all.  It was a huge shapeless gray bog swamping her!
• Amy Adams was wearing a massive blue feather duster.  
• Kristen Stewart continues to look like a dead-eyed, slack-jawed hot mess in ill-fitting outfits and ratty hair.  Seriously, does she care at all?
• I still can't decide if I like Naomi Watts' sparkly silver dress with the unusual cut-out neckline, but she should at least get props for having one of the evening's most eye-catching gowns.
• Amanda Seyfried: Just (yawn) no.
• Reese Witherspoon. Great wavy hair, cleverly color-blocked dress that makes her waist look smaller than it is.  
• Salma Hayek's dress, in a fit of jealous rage that she was getting all the attention, made a deliberate attempt to strangle her.
• I hate - and I mean hate - Norah Jones's hair.
• Brandi Glanville: NO! Absolutely not!

LOL: Shoes For an Apex Predator

Who needs (or even wants) kitten heels when you could have T-Rex ones instead?  Can you imagine me wearing these babies to my next Nerdmoot?  I love how you can't see them as they are coming at you.  RAWR!

Fugly or Fabulous: A Fashion Statement in Luxembourg 1945

All I can say is, it takes some real guts to wear this into battle.  Kudos, sir.

LOL: Fashion Faux Pas When Zooey Met Lucy

I didn't bother watching the Emmys because award shows are boooooooooooooring.  Still, the fashion statements on the red carpet are often diverting and sometimes laugh-out-loud hilarious.  Now I'd seen Zooey Deschanel's cutesypoo baby blue ballgown with all the tulle layers and Lucy Liu's insane sci-fi-ish dress with mega-sequins that looked like she was wearing a mirrorball, but I had seen the official photos.  I'm much more taken with this shot of what happened when Zooey's floaty netting met Lucy's metallic disks. Oh, and I apologize for the image of Ryan Seacrest, but it couldn't be helped!

Nerd Fun: The Professor Is a Chameleon

It's pretty amazing that all these wildly different photos are images of the same guy, Gordon Stettinius, a photographer and adjunct professor at Virginia Commonwealth University.  Oh, the wonders of hair and wardrobe!

Fugly or Fabulous? Workin' It in 1890s Russia

Look at these guys rocking their 1890s military uniforms.  I suppose the "Blue Steel" hadn't been invented yet?  Just look at this dude.  It takes a certain kind of self-confidence to pull off a huge freakin' dragon on your helmet.  Then again, maybe that was a chick magnet back in those days.  "Wear a dragon on your helmet, man.  Girls love dragons on helmets."

Fugly or Fabulous? Custom-Painted Shoes

WEARABLE ART!

Fugly or Fabulous? DIY Comic Book Heels

Whatever else they may be, these heels certainly are eye-catching!  (I'm not sure about the red stockings, though.)  Here are the instructions to make these mad shoes. 

Fugly or Fabulous: Guys In Shorts

P.J. O'Rourke has some thoughts.  Nobody wants to look at your pasty legs.  Sorry.  On the other hand, I am on the record as being very much in favor of good suits and the iconic crisp white shirt.  Even if it's all rumpled, it looks fine.  (If it's any consolation, I stopped wearing shorts in public a long time ago myself.  A summer dress, be it cute-pretty or sleek-sophisticated, is just as cool and comfy - and far more charming and age-appropriate.)