Monday Therapy: "Twilight"'s Ultimate Hater

La Parisienne and I hate Twilight, and we are pleased that we not alone. Still, one does wonder if the entire Twilight experience has driven Robert Pattinson mad.

Film Culture Commentary: the 10 Worst Chick Flicks Ever Made, Or "Turn Off That Slop and Watch Buffy Instead"

Hear, hear!  You're already familiar with my critiques of The Notebook (#10) and Twilight (#1) the book, the actual movie, and also the entire phenomenon.

Fifty Shades of Terrible, Fifty Shades of Snark

For La Parisienne especially and for everyone who (a) appreciates good writing and (b) takes pleasure in shredding bad writing.  If you thought Twilight was bad, wait until you get a load of Fifty Shades of Grey!  Fifty Shades started out as Twilight fanfic.  That should tell you something.

Now behold the intrepid soul who is reading Fifty Shades of Craptastic so you don't have to!  It is to Fifty Shades of Sewage what Reasoning with Vampires is to Twilight.

Have I personally read Fifty Shades of Abominable?  No.  I've only encountered snippets and excerpts, but they were enough to convince me that I'll never read the whole thing.  Am I really not going to read the book?  ABSOLUTELY. "But, but, Minerva!  Isn't this unfair?  Doesn't this fly in the face of your usual demand for intellectual rigor and solid research and ... ?"  There's an exception for every rule, sweet cheeks.  Read this again and grant me a dispensation just this once, mmmmkay?  Twilight was bad enough because it's clearly Stephenie Meyer's weird personal fantasy.  I have no desire to get involved in someone else's fantasy about that fantasy.  Nope, you'll find me off reading Jasper Fforde or Daniel Silva.

Hilariously Hateful: Let's Shred "Twilight"

The lovely La Parisienne and I are tickled by these two microblogs:

• Reasoning with Vampires
• No One Hates Twilight More Than Robert Pattison

The first blog gloriously teaches good writing by highlighting bad writing and explaining why it's bad.  And Meyer's writing is so, so bad.

The second one is especially funny because La Parisienne had noted long ago that Pattison stated in interviews that he hates the character that he plays - the utterly creepy Edward Cullen, undead sparkles and all.  Even since then, she and I have liked the actor more.  The blog painstakingly collects every disparaging remark he's made about the franchise.  It really does seem as if the entire experience has driven him slightly mad.  It is, though, hilarious: "If Edward wasn't a fictional character and you met him in reality, he'd be one of those guys that'd be an axe murderer."

Nerd Fun: What If Other Authors Had Written "Twilight"?

For La Parisienne -- this idea is full of win.

Movie Review Rant: "Twilight: Breaking Dawn"

The rant isn't by me, but it basically encapsulates everything I've been saying about the "Twilight" phenomenon.  Read the whole thing.  Blurb here:

People always make a big deal about how Bella is a just a human being fought over by two monsters. But to me she's always been as monstrous as Jacob and Edward. She has the superpower of draining away everybody else's emotional stability and sucking them into her endless melodrama. 

... Bella was growing into the most horrifying monster of all: a girl-woman with no drive to do anything but feed her bottomless hunger for adoration, luxury, and attention. She's a supernatural version of Octomom.

I do have one big objection, though, and that's to the cavalier labeling of the "Twilight" tale as a "conservative romance narrative."  What?  Kindly define what you mean by "conservative."  This center-right/libertarian and all her like-minded girl friends are all appalled by Stephenie Meyer's twisted, deplorable, utterly hate-able, emotionally and socially retrograde creation.  

De Gustibus: Mitt Romney and "Twilight"

Well, there's no accounting for taste.  But "Twilight"?  Dude, really?

What's In a Name: Operation Odyssey Dawn (aka Rhododaktylos Tomahawk Missiles)

I have to admit that I rolled my eyes at the name of the Libyan mission.  I wasn't fast enough with the snarking, though, because someone else beat me to the punchline:

But, seriously, Operation Odyssey Dawn?  Sounds like a Twilight sequel.

Heh!  Well, it's a silly name that manages to be both pie-eyed hopeychangey and yet pretentious of substance, but what do you expect from the sorts of people who are running this?  Besides, it wouldn't be the first goofy name for an operation. 

But Odyssey Dawn, Odyssey Dawn ... In that awesome ancient Greek epic poem the Odyssey, Eos, the Dawn personified as a goddess, shows up a lot, and she's called "rosy-fingered Dawn."  Who knew it would take Obamessiah, vaunted Nobel Peace Prize winner, to turn "rosy" into "bloody"?  Rhododaktylos Tomahawk missiles, man!  Of course, she's also "saffron-robed Dawn," and maybe that's for Qaddafi's mustard gas.  So ... WWHD -- What Would Homer Do?  Probably send Diomedes -- and just Diomedes, ancient Greek equivalent of Chuck Norris -- against Qaddafi and then watch the ensuing beatdown on pay-per-view.  But I digress.  

OK, one more comment because I can't resist: The leftist peacemongers might as well flip out now because, lest we forget, the most famous war in Homer lasted for TEN WHOLE YEARS.  As for Odysseus, protagonist of the Odyssey, he was at Troy for ten years, and then he spent ANOTHER TEN YEARS trying to get home afterwards.

Satire Alert: Predictions for 2011

Funny stuff, of which my favorite bit is probably this:

... due to a depressed economy, rogue nuclear-armed states, an energy crisis, terrorism, childhood obesity, the pervasiveness of talking dogs in movies, clamshell packaging, sparkling vampires, and Justin Bieber, I expect our republic to collapse before it reaches its 235th birthday, and ... I expect the world to then be ruled by terrorists, crazed dictators, and freaky Japanese robots.

Hating on "Twilight" in Delicious Detail

The Kamikaze Editor sent me the link to a website called Reasoning with Vampires, and I have been amusing myself with it for days.  Some enterprising, dedicated hater of "Twilight" has gone to great lengths to dissect and disassemble it.  You knew the book sucked, but you may not have ever fully appreciated the sheer magnitude of its awfulness.  In some ways, this is the literary version of the magnificent video beatdowns of the Star Wars prequels.  Our hater scans in an actual bit of the book and then adds her own observations.  The result is often brilliant and always entertaining.  Here, let me give you an example.  Click to enlarge.

Movie Madness: Books Versus Movie Adaptations

Are some movie adaptations of books better than the source books themselves?  Here is a list of 10 candidates. Let the debates rage!  I add Stephenie Meyer's "Twilight."  As soon I read the book, I declared a pre-emptive victory for the movie because "frankly, there's no way that it could reek more than the book."  (As it happened, I was right.)

Throw the Book At Them: the 50 Most Hated Literary Characters

It is time to get your hate on, bibliophiles!  (Especially you, La Parisienne and Kamikaze Editor!)  See if you agree or disagree with the choices and rankings of the 50 most hated characters in literature.

I gotta say, though, this list has utterly endeared itself to me by proclaiming that the #1 spot belongs to Bella Swan and Edward Cullen and #3 to Holden Caulfield.  YESSSSSSSSSS!  (Remember my previous hating on "Twilight" here and on Holden Caulfield here.)

Here, let me give you the top 10 for you to harsh on to your heart's content:

1. Bella Swan and Edward Cullen
2. Cholly Breedlove
3. Holden Caulfield
4. Scarlett O'Hara
5. Iago
6. Anita Blake
7. Tom Buchanan
8. Heathcliff
9. Dolores Umbridge
10. Dorian Gray

For the record, I hate plenty of the people on the list, but I reserve a special nerd-rage for insufferable #43 Robert Langdon, whom not even lovable nebbishy Tom Hanks could make me love.  By the way, Satan barely makes the list at #50 ... because, I suspect, Milton did too good a job in Paradise Lost and turned the Prince of Darkness into a too memorable an eloquent anti-hero.  I mean, you gotta give props to a poet who lets Satan hold a pep rally in hell.  I'm serious!

Couch Potato Chronicles: Live Free or Twihard -- Dean Winchester 1,000,000, Twilight 0

The title of the most recent new episode of "Supernatural" is so simply awesome that I can't top it.  In fact, most of the episode was a hilarious bit of subgenre-on-subgenre violence.  Oh, sure, technically both "Supernatural" the show and Stephenie Meyer's "Twilight" books/movies inhabit the "supernatural/fantasy/horror/sci fi" supergenre, but that is no reason for the two to play nicely together. In fact, "Supernatural" pulled out the stops to bash "Twilight" mercilessly and relentlessly for pleasure and profit, and I frankly LOVED it.

From the opening sequence's riff on "vapid idiotic 17-year-old girl loves creepy vampire pretty boy" (I can't have been the only one who laughed uproariously when the girl's name turned out to be "Kristen" and her vampire lover boy's "Robert") to Dean's priceless reaction to the girl's ridiculously decorated bedroom/shrine-to-vampires, the "Twilight"-bashing was delicious.  Haters gonna hate, I hate "Twilight" with a fiery vengeance, and I hadn't had this much pop culture hate-filled fun in a while!  Plus, here are just two of the numerous quotable lines: "What are you, twelve?... Are you wearing ... glitter?!" and "These aren't vampires, man!  These .... these are d*****bags!"

Here's Exhibit A of Dean's glorious animosity (from 0:00 to 1:35):

So there you have it.  Two memorable "Supernatural" episodes in a row (I loved last week's Bobby-centric tale, as you recall), and the show, apparently remembering finally that it was its combination of snarky pop-culture humor and tongue-in-cheek genre storytelling that made it great in the first place, is beginning to win me back.  Besides, Dean Winchester is once more fun to watch, now that he's no longer spending every other moment of screen time moaning and wailing and hand-wringing.  Let's get back to the fundamentals, shall we? "Cute Guys Killing Monsters While Cracking Jokes About Pop Culture and Listening to Awesome Music."
UPDATE:  Take a look at io9's review.

Couch Potato Chronicles: Winchesters Rush In Where Angels Fear to Tread

So far I haven't been too impressed with the new season of "Supernatural," (and it's still on probation in my book after last season) but I have to say, tonight's episode made me smile. Check out this clip (slight language warning). It captures the fun that used to be the hallmark of the show. Plus ... Oh, Castiel.  How I've missed you.

OK.  You might appreciate this along with La Parisienne.  In the preview for next week's episode, Dean Winchester did wonders for himself in my good graces by slamming "Twilight."  Oh, this is the sort of snarky utterance Dean used to give all the time: "These aren't vampires; these are d*****bags."  All right, Dean.  Win me back.

UPDATE: 10 Reasons to watch "Supernatural."  As the Kamikaze Editor summed it up recently, "Cute guys killing monsters."  Nuff said.

Movie Madness: Take That, "Twilight"! It's the Trailer for "Vampires Suck"

The trailer's pretty funny, so let's hope the entire spoof is too.  You know, as the entire "Twilight" debacle rolls on, I have to wonder how much you can actually parody this thing.  I mean, it practically parodies itself.

Quote of the Day: Craig Ferguson on Sci Fi and Fantasy Fandom

I'll get back to "serious" blogging about foreign and domestic politics later (ummm ... sorry?).  I found this quote and I could not resist.  Look what Scottish (now Scottish-American -- congrats on being naturalized, sir!) comedian Craig Ferguson had to say recently (begins at 4:37 if you bother going, though the quote's all you need, and I have it right here):

"There’s rivalry between the Harry Potter fans and the Twilight fans. And Twilight fans think they’re much cooler than the Harry Potter fans. And I’m like, I dunno why, they’d all get their @$$ kicked by the Doctor Who fans."

Ferguson then yells, "That's right!  I am one!"  Absolutely fantastic.  Have you any doubt at all that tough, smart, sassy, independent Who fans like La Parisienne and California Dreamer and Alessandra and I could have Twilight fans for breakfast?  It wouldn't even be a contest.  And we'd still have room for croissants afterwards.   Oh, and remember the end of this?

Nerd Journal: MM's Got a Feeee-vah and the Only Cure Is The Doctor

Actually, it's not just me. An entire bevy of my friends and I need the same prescription.

(Of course, I'm pretty sure this isn't as much as "cure" as "treatment," since I daresay none of us really want to be "cured," even though every single one of us has stated that our devotion to the Doctor makes no sense at all since he's not our 'type.' But in apparent defiance of everything, his sheer adorability and unmistakable talent conquer all, along with the total awesomeness of being a Time Lord. A Time Lord, people! In fact, we're all hanging onto our Doctor as if increase of appetite had grown by what it fed on -- hey, wait a minute, I'm quoting Shakespeare and I can't stop! But that's another disease altogether.)



"He's like fire and ice and rage. He's like the night and the storm in the heart of the sun. He's ancient and forever. He burns at the center of time, and he can see the turn of the universe. And ... he's wonderful."
-- from "Family of Blood"(2007)

I'm sorry, Eleventh Doctor. I'm so, so sorry. I like you very much, I do. But you've got a long way to go before you can come close to the place of the Tenth.

Oh, and add a shout-out to the Ninth, who was brilliant but often forgotten!

UPDATE: Since I never pass up an opportunity to harsh on "Twilight"! Plus the sentiment is actually true here.

Movie Madness: How "Twilight" Should Have Ended

Some movie fun for La Parisienne and everyone else who hates "Twilight":

"Let's go eat some people! Whoooooo!"

The Cinema-Mad Sibling Reviews "Daybreakers"

The Cine-Sib and I recently went to see the new vampire movie "Daybreakers" with some of our friends. Here is the latest Cine-Sib haiku review:

The world is undead.
Humans are farmed for their blood.
But is there a cure?

My own review will be online later. Caveat: there is a lot of gore in this flick! It's of a video-game, horror-flick schtick ludicrous sort of gore, though, so my buddies and I were laughing uproariously in our seats.

Short version of my review: I liked it. Come on, just think -- Sam Neill as a vampire villain! Besides, this flick is an anti-"Twilight." You can read this until I get my own review done.

Film Culture Commentary: Uncomfortable Age/Gender Questions and "Twilight"

I've just never understood (a) what appeal "Twilight" has for its screaming teenaged fangirls, or (b) the even creepier appeal it seems to have for some middle-aged women, some of whom are the moms of the teenyboppers.

Call them "Twilight Moms" or whatever, but there's something really disturbing about their obsession with Edward Cullen. La Parisienne and I have talked about this, and I'm now amused to see that we're not alone. Take a look at this: