Honest Writing - We are Phoenixes & A Good-Bye

I wrote this a few weeks ago in a complete writer vent... And this is how it came out. I truly hope you take the time to read as it is one of the most honest things I have ever sat down to write.

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How do you say good bye, when you never got the chance? How do you face that glaring truth in your eyes you keep trying to shield... and come to terms with yourself that it is just over, done with, and is the end? When you spent half a lifetime and something great with someone - it is sometimes just too hard to face reality that this part of your life is over and its time to start a new chapter without them in it. It is earth shattering and gut wrenching when you let yourself think about the truth you keep trying to ignore. Even 10 seconds with that truth in your mind is too much to bear.  You justify and dismiss.

But there comes a time when its over and you dont even know how it got to that. You run away from it so quickly because its easier than thinking through and reflecting on. The pain that begins to seep in is just too much for you right now. You keep yourself busy, try as hard as you can to focus on yourself,  but you always think... "what if?"... What if I stuck it out longer... Would things have changed? Would they have worked? Would I have changed, would he, or she? The truth, as sad as it is to admit... is  that as it may have worked... you would have known deep down that neither of you would have changed to be what the other wanted or needed, no matter how hard you made yourself believe they were what you thought you wanted and needed.
And I mean fully wanted and needed, and not just partially. The real truth is, is that we find something absolutely great and rare with few people in this world. We find something wholely right with even fewer of those, and if so - we are the lucky ones. We hold onto those parts of that person that we so madly love, no matter how destructive the rest of them can be to us. It isnt that the person is destructive as who they are - though, for some they may be and I hurt for you - it is that it is destructive to hold onto someone you love when you know that someone else could give them better and love them better. But it is our pride in the false knowledge that we are the best they will have that hold us and them back from the true happiness that each deserve. And for that, I will forever be sorry and can never make up for. I, as most of us, want to be the best for anyone - for everyone. But another truth, so hard to face, is that you cant and wont be. To the few you are perfect for, that is enough... And to come to the knowledge and at peace with that is one of the hardest things we will ever have to do. 

These are the moments in life when you are gasping for breath while still living. As time passes, you will learn to breathe. you will begin to slowly regenerate the broken off pieces of yourself that once faded into ash. That is one of the beautiful things of this life... Regeneration and growth. It is something immeasurable by science and man and can only be felt on a personal, spiritual level.. even to those who have no faith in a diety or God.

What I am trying to say, is that that person who was torn and broken down will never be made whole again. You will never be complete after that. You wont be complete as that same person because you evolve as a completely new being. It is not something you miraculously witness in an instant. It is slow and can pass you by. It might sound as a cliche but that is why I love the myth of the phoenix. rebirth from the ashes. That is what mankind is after loss, tragedy, hurt. We have the ability to become phoenixes. Do not stay in the ashes in self pity and sorrow. Be what you were meant to be and become new again, for you will never be whole as you were.

If we can come to accept this too, that we are always meant to be changing, I believe that we can accomplish the one thing we are deeply afraid of reaching becuase most of us dont beleive it to be true. We can be truely and genuinely happy. We grow, we sustain, we fall apart, but we rebuild and rise again.

In all, I am trying to say that it has taken me 23 years to even begin to realize this. I am still working on becoming at peace with this. I am also sorry. I loved you so much and loved you with my whole self, but I found that I was still unable to give you everything. And for that I am sorry as I wish I could have. You are truely a remarkable person. You were my best friend. You have so much to offer and I wish I could have been the one to be on the receiving end for an eternity. But I am still facing that I am not her. And to whom you do find, I might secretly be jealous though I will have found the one to share my life with as well. It is human nature and is true what they say... "You will always 'have love' for your first love and never forget them". I couldnt forget if you if I tried. You taught me love and help me perfect it. through trial and error. and in return, I hope I did so as well.
You are beautiful, you are wonderful, And I will always miss you because you were once a part of me and were once what made me whole. I hope and pray that as time passes, you can think back on me and smile after the hurt has faded as much as it ever will and I will try always to do the same.

So with that, good-bye. This is the only way I know how to say it now, at this moment. I needed to get this off of my heart, get these words off of my tongue and lips. I know I have to always love myself to do the right thing, and with that I will always love what made me "me" and whole at parts of my life. So I will always love you as you made me who I am and I will be forever grateful to you.

We are Phoenixes and are meant to rise out of the ashes of our sorrow, pain, and loss. It's not the masterpiece that is beautiful, it is the transformation.

 

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Getting Personal

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SO I have been thinking. A lot of the time I share general stuff on this little blog here and occasionally I share some personal stuff. It was nice to get real on my Vlog last week and give you some one on one time into more about myself with questions you had asked. But I want to be able to open up and share my life, sometimes its just a little scary.

So right now, there has been A LOT weighing on me in certain areas of life. Mainly: Relationships. Sigh, I know many of you have stopped reading here. But if you're still here, I would love some words of encouragement.
So here's the deal - and I hate this. But I do not want to be in a relationship right now. Period. Point blank. I'm not ready. I firmly believe and feel that:
1. You can not truly make a significant other happy unless you, yourself are happy.
2. You need to learn who you are first prior to finding an identity in a relationship.
3. It is essential in life to have a "you" phase prior to settling down, *if given the opportunity.

I feel like am already a go with 1 and 2. This is the first time in my post-adolescent, adult life that I am comfortable with who I am, and I am learning how to be happy even when not in a full-on relationship (Its still an on going process)
But here's the other deal. I have pretty much ALWAYS had a guy in my life in some way, shape, or form since I was 15... This is the first time in my adult life that I have truly had the opportunity to focus on MYSELF.
I am the type of person that when I am in a relationship, I give my whole self to that person. I will always put that person's will and well being above my own. And that's how I am always going to be. And when I get married and start having children.. Game over... I will NEVER put myself first ever again.
With that, this is the first and last time in my life that I will EVER have the opportunity to selfishly and un-guiltily put myself first. Shouldn't I be able to give that opportunity to myself? But for some reason, I feel like a horrible person doing it.

I have seen and witnessed first hand what its like when parents live their lives without ever having put themselves first - *** Please let me acknowledge, some people or parents do not have this choice, and some people choose unselfishly to not take this road. And yes, in many instances they are still an INCREDIBLE parent - I am grateful and in admiration of these people.
But also, that being said, I feel like if we have the opportunity, if given, to have a period in our lives where we only focus on ourselves, we should take it. In the other non-rare instances I have witnessed, I feel like those I have seen are better parents, more patient, more giving, and once again - more patient-when they have had periods in their life to mainly focus on themselves.
I feel like not a lot of people realize this, and that's why there are a lot of lazy parents out there and an over abundance in lack of respect and human regard. More and more I see selfish children and selfish parents which rear a new generation of un-respectable people. Harsh, but this is how I feel, and I apologize if this offends.



I want to be the best wife, mother, friend, and servant that I can be. And for me- personally - I feel like taking this given opportunity to fully focus on myself is what will make me a better person in the future. Should I feel guilty about this? Because I don't want to, but sometimes I do. And it weighs heavy on my heart, and I know that this choice can hurt others, which makes me second guess. I'm at a crossroads and don't know how to proceed.

A Few Words of Professtional Advice I wish I knew Earlier

Happy Hump Day Everyone! Yes, It's already Wednesday, hump day, as in the mid day of the work week... No, not like a pelvic thrust. Just wanted to clear that up.

But anyways, today I wanted to write a few words of advice that I wish I had gotten in college or right when starting my career. I know some of you are just starting big jobs, have awesome hubbys who work big jobs, or are thinking of one in the future. Please so kindly read these tips that I so dearly wish I knew when first starting off.

Please know though, this is mainly for a professional and or corporate setting. But either way, we all have to conduct ourselves in this manner at some point of our lives so it is good to know regardless.



Here we go:

1. No one cares more about your career/future goals than you do. In business, you alone are the only one truly looking out for your career. Now, some of us might be lucky with a kick-ass mentor or boss, but at the end of the day, it has to be about (In a respectable manner of course) YOU. You must look out for your own future to get to where you want to be because in Business and Corporate America, you rarely get favors.

2. Be careful who your trust. Unfortunately, I had to learn this one out the hard way. Please learn from my mistake. Just because you have a good personal and professional relationship with someone, does NOT mean that you can trust them when it comes to your career. Please Please Please be careful about what you tell people you work with. I thought that many people were my "friends" at work. Majority of them are just colleagues. Which leads me to my next point.

3. Never divulge your personal life in a professional setting. Another hard lesson learned. Best tip: Always keep them guessing. You have no idea how conniving people can be and you never want them to use something against you. There is a time and a place for personal talk. Work isnt one of them. Granted this is to a point, but you get what I am saying.

4. Be accountable, respectable, and act admirable. Do not throw someone underneath the bus because they are an easy scapegoat. Present yourself in a respectable manner and I promise you, it will get you further in your life the RIGHT way. Be accountable for your actions and always always act ethically. People will always remember and respect that. Especially upper management.

5. Don't get caught up in Office Politics and Office Gossip. Just dont. Its petty. And when someone invloves you, just hold yourself with Grace and walk away.

6. Always know whats going on around you. Just be aware of where the company is going and what projects others are working on. It helps you to always stay in the loop and is use this to your advantage.

7. Network and make as many contacts as possible. You never know what could happen in the future with your career. With that said, burn as little bridges as possible and make as many contacts ("friends") as possible. You never know when they or you might need a favor.

8. Be careful who you tell company information to. Just watch what you say and who you say it to.



These are the best words of advice I have come to live by at work. Hope this is able to help you in some shape or form.

What is the best advice you have gotten? I would LOVE to know and LOVE for you to share.

Feel Good During the Holidays Advice

Happy Friday Everyone!

So today I thought I would share some highly embarrassing/learned the hard way advice with a little background. Ever since I can remember, I have had a problem with fluctuating weight. On one of my parent's side, there seems to ALWAYS be an emphasis on weight, the new diet, exercising tips, and being in shape. Almost to the point where it's exhausting. All of my family pretty much looks like super models... and then there's me. Talk about rough.

When I was in high school and the beginning years of college, my weight would always sky rocket, then come down, then shoot back up again. It was embarrassing but was inevitable. I would eat like every meal was my last and count going to the mailbox as exercise.

Needless to say, I was developing extremely horrible habits. I began to notice that I was always moody, never had energy, and had a poor self image. I would try diet pills, meal plans like nutrisystem, and at one point would go to the gym for 2-3 hours every day.

The low point:

SO EMBARRASSING!

I came home for the holidays and my mom told me she almost didn't recognize me. This is when I started nurtrisystem, hydroxy cut, and endless workouts - all at different times. Nothing seemed to really stick. I was miserable. I began eating like crap while simultaneously working out. Every week was up and down.


The Turning Point:


See my uncle/Big Brother right above? Ya... Super model. I came home my junior year to complete an internship after I had finished my second season knocking door to door selling pest control. That summer my diet consisted of Jack-in-the-Box. Seriously... That's all I ate. I couldn't even button my jeans, I was forced to pull them up and tuck in the tabs hoping no one would notice. I felt puffy all the time and greasy. Now please mind that I am 5'1 and have a petite frame - so any weight I gain is extremely noticeable.

Problem areas: Face, stomach, thighs, upper-arms

With the help of my Aunt Peggy, I was able to start making significant lifestyle changes. Diet is nothing without moderate exercise. And most importantly, exercise is NOTHING without diet. I began finding that it was EXTREMELY easy to eat healthy, even while going out. Here are just a few tips that I adjusted to that made all the difference in the world:

-GRILLED everything. You can even eat a grilled chicken fillet by itself from McDonald's even.
-Vegetables and Fruits - these are essential
- No bananas and other fruits that are high in sugar.
-Mrs.Dash marinade, dipping sauce and seasoning. Make sure to get the NO Sodium, No sugar.
-No dipping sauce or dressings other than above. This is crucial. There is so much sugar and salt in dippings.
-I LOVED salads with lettuce, grilled chicken, cucumbers, tomatoes, and onions. Seriously, without the dressing I could taste each food item more. These are so easy to order anywhere
-Almonds as snacks instead of potato chips
-limit carb intake - all whole grains and no simple grains.

I began going to the gym 3 times a week. I would do 45 minutes of some type of cardio (run, treadmill, elliptical, stair master) and then 40-60 minutes of weights. I made sure to always try new machines (even when I had no absolute clue how they would work) and switch up my routine so I wouldn't get bored or comfortable.


Today:


If I slip up, its not the end of the world. I just make sure that I wont go into the depths after a few mess ups. Today I feel extremely comfortable with my body and weight. I still have areas that definitely need to be worked on and toned... but I feel good about how I feel, not just how I look.
So during this holiday season, It's important to remember to not just fall off the bandwagon because it's holiday time. Continue to develop good habits and actually commit to them.


Parting Advice:

It's not about being skinny. It's about being healthy