Zemlya (Earth) (1930)

The last film of the month is Zemlya.  This was a rollercoaster ride from start to finish.  

The poor farmers are tired of having nothing while the rich farmers have everything, including fancy tractors.  It starts off with a grandfather dying, and we know this because he actually says I'm dying.  The young Vasyl talks of the greatness of collectivism, everyone working and sharing together.

They get a tractor to share amongst the farmers, but the radiator dries up and they pee in it???  Then it's ok because I guess ammonia is good for tractors and they carry on.   Vasyl is happy and dancing, but then a bad guy kills him!!       D:

Vasyl's dad is upset at his death and asks everyone to sing songs of new life and beginnings, instead of hymns.  Everyone turns away from the church and goes towards atheism.  Which made sense because priests had a lot of power and the churches are ornate while the people live in poverty.  Everyone gathers to remember Vasyl while the rain nourishes the plants.  

There is some opposition to the idea of collectivism, but they are largely ignored by the rest of the people.  The film is a positive ideal of what communism could possibly be, but never became.  I will give it a 6/10.  

Broken Blossoms (1919)

Happy belated Birthday America!

I didn't expect to start the month of July feeling feels, but today's film is Broken Blossoms (or the Yellow Man and the Girl).  I wondered, why is he yellow? Is he wearing a raincoat?  Then, I finally realized, oh he's Asian.  I never would have guessed that, but then I don't live in 1919 America.

The best part was just witnessing how people dressed and looked back then, almost 100 years ago. I love their makeup.

The yellow man, who isn't named (but later his shop says Cheng Hueng which might be his name) lives in China.  He wants to bring Buddha's message of peace and tolerance to the British people, who seem to fight and conquer everything.

After moving to a bad neighborhood in London, reality sets in and he all but gives up his missionary dreams and just tends to his shop.  Meanwhile, there is a boxer that regularly beats up his daughter.  The yellow man decides to help her out.  The boxer is none too pleased that a Chinese man is going after his daughter, so he beats her to death.  The yellow man arrives too late to save her, but shoots the boxer anyway.  Feeling depressed, he stabs himself.  This is tragedy of Shakespeare proportions.

It's surprising that a film featuring an Asian hero would be directed by the same guy who made the KKK is Awesome film a few years back.  Wasn't expecting that.  By the way, the yellow man is actually played by a white guy.  There's like 20 billion people in China, they couldn't find a Chinese actor to play him?  I'll give this film a 6/10.

The Man who Laughs (1928)

Today's film is The Man who Laughs. There is so much going on, with so many long names of characters, that I feel like I should read the book before I watch this.  But I'm not.  It's not a horror film, but instead is an underrated example of German Expressionism.  Its moodiness and balance of shadows, along with its hideous star, can easily make someone think it's horror.  It's more of romance than anything.

Gwynplaine was the son of a nobleman who insulted King James II.  His father was killed, while he was permanently disfigured by comprachicos so that his mouth would have a permanent grin - so he could "forever laugh at his fool of a father".  According to Victor Hugo, the author, comprachicos were like surgeons that would mutilate children early in life so they would grow up to be freaks.  Gwynplaine is said to be the inspiration for the Joker.

Gwynplaine, alone, and having no memory of his father, wanders around and finds a baby.  He brings it to a house and begs to come inside.  The man who takes them in is Ursus, a mountebank (later a playwright).  The baby, who is blind, is named Dea, and together they grow up.  Dea grows up to be very beautiful, and she is fond of Gwynplaine.  However, he doesn't feel that he deserves anyone's love or to marry anyone because of his disfigured face.

Someone recognizes the adult Gwynplaine and tells the royal court that he should be a member because of his father.  Lots of royal court drama happens, and Josiana, the duchess who currently holds Gwynplaine's position in court, goes down to see him at work.  Right now Gwynplaine and Dea are putting on a show that Ursus has written.  Everyone laughs at his face, even though he looks terrifying instead of funny, but Josiana likes him.  Still, in the end she is put off by his face.

More royal court drama happens, and Queen Anne (who succeeded King James II's place) orders Josiana to marry Gwynplaine so he could have his spot back.  But, Gwynplaine, realizing that he and Dea belong together, refuses and runs away back to Dea.  However, Ursus and Dea have been banished from the country.  Gwynplaine finds them at their ship in the harbor and sails away with them.  He would rather be poor and be with his true love then live life as a nobleman without her.

Even though a lot of stuff happens, it feels that even more stuff was left out.  Also, some scenes take a while to get to their points.  Still, for a silent film it isn't too over-acted.  I will give this film a 7/10.

La souriante Madame Beudet (The Smiling Madame Beudet) 1923

Today's film is The Smiling Madame Beudet.  Even though it does not have a long running time, the entire story could have been told in ten minutes.  Madame Beudet is depressed and has a rude husband, who doesn't treat her very tell and plays a cruel joke on her by holding a gun to his head and pretending to shoot himself.  The gun is never loaded, so there is no actual danger.  It still isn't a funny joke though.

While her husband is away watching a play, Madame Beudet loads the gun.  Then she spends the entire next day regretting her decision and dramactically moping around the house.  Then her husband and his friend come home looking for a lost receipt.  Later, after his friend has left, he calls her in and yells at her, doing his gun trick again.  Then he aims at her and fires.  However, he is a terrible shot and hits a vase instead.  He believes that she wanted to kill herself by loading the gun.  He tells her that he cannot live without her and hugs her.  However, she is not pleased at all by this outcome and we know who she was really hoping to die.

This film was a bit too long even for a short film, and there isn't a whole lot of substance to it.  Still, it's okay for a silent film.  I will give it a 5/10.

The Phantom of the Opera (1925)

I'm back from my beach vacation.  Even though we only live 35 minutes from a beach, our work schedules make it impossible to go, but we made time for our 5th wedding anniversary.  So I'm back to writing and today's film is The Phantom of the Opera.  In today's standards, it's not scary, but it is a good classic version of the story and there is no annoying singing.

 

I was wondering how they were going to portray an opera because it's a silent film.  It would be no good to watch Christine, who is supposed to be an amazing soprano, if we couldn't hear her.  So I was very surprised to actually hear her!  I know the audio didn't match the video perfectly, but that was before they had that kind of technology.  They did the best they could with what they had and it works.  Also, the music in this film is far better than most silent films I've seen.

 

So, the Phantom is infatuated with Christine and wants to make her a star.  So he threatens the owners of the theatre with a curse if they let Carlotta sing instead of her.  She isn't afraid of ghosts and sings anyway.  The Phantom responds by causing the giant chandelier to crash down!  That thing is so ginormous.  He could have easily killed several people and he doesn't even care. 

 

Lon Chaney did his "Phantom" makeup himself.  He used shading to make his face look more skull-like. His nose was held back by hooks in the nose connected to a string.  It was the only way to give the illusion of having no nose and it made his actual nose bleed during filming!  But he did it anyway! He was such a boss.  When his mask is off, his ears are taped back, but whenever he's wearing the mask, his ears are clearly not taped back.

 

I always wondered why the Phantom was so butt ugly.  Watching different versions of the film didn't help because they give him a different story.  This film is closest to the novel, which I totally read and not the sparknotes.  The Phantom looks that way because he was born that way.  It's some kind of birth deformity, but it doesn't match anything in reality.

I was also surprised by the use of color in this film.  The most use of color was during the masquerade ball.  Sure, it's scattered, but I can tell they tried.  I like it when black & white films are tinted, such as the green for the basement, because it adds interest.  My co-film critic also enjoyed this aspect.  She's a nonverbal autistic girl and tries hard to find something to focus on, and with black & white films this is very hard.  The tinted scenes break up the monotony for her.  She also really liked Lon Chaney, because he is expressive with his hands.  I told her that this is because his parents also could not speak and used their hands.  She has since then used much more sign language to convey what she wants rather than screeching.  I am very happy about this.

Overall, both of us enjoyed watching this film and this is one of the better adaptations we have seen.  I will give it a 7/10.

The Great Train Robbery (1903)

Today's film is The Great Train Robbery.  It's a western made 110 years ago!

The premise is pretty simple.  A group of men go to rob a train, but first they tie up the telegraph operator in the station.  They shoot a few people, who die by sticking their arms straight up in the air above their heads, then falling over.  They get everything they came for and escape to their hideout in the woods.

Meanwhile, the telegraph operator wakes up and uses his hands to hoist himself onto his chair to send out a message.  Then, he remembers he's supposed to be tied up so he quickly holds his hands behind his back like I wouldn't notice.  A girl helps finish "untying" him so he can go get help.  He does, and a posse chases down the evil gang.  The final scene is the best.  It shows a close up of a cowboy who shoots straight at the screen.  This was one of the first films ever made, so the audience was like, oh that was a nice story, OH NO that guy is shooting at me!! That would have been really scary.  I like how the filmmakers thought: hey let's put in a guy shooting at them, that'll scare them!  They have the same sense of humor I do.  I will give this film a 7/10.

Sherlock Jr (1924)

Here is a delightful short film featuring Buster Keaton.  The special effects in the dream sequence were pretty good considering this was over 90 years ago.  Such as when his spirit-like "dream self" emerges from his body while he sleeps on the job.  Also, he jumps through a lady and vanishes.

 

I like that he does his own stunts.  He runs across the top of the train and jumps down the water tower.  I heard from someone that he got injured doing this stunt.  I am too tired to verify this.  Also, he rides on the handlebars of a motorcycle all across the countryside.  I didn't know anyone could do that.  I thought you had to hold on to the handlebars in order to keep the engine running.  I've ridden on motorcycles but never driven one myself.  Oh, and he gets stuck on the roof and jumps on the railroad gate and sails down. Look:

 

 

 

 

That was neat.  I'm glad this was only 45 minutes because there was not enough story to keep it going any longer.  I'm going to give this a 6/10 because for a physical comedy, there wasn't a lot of comedy.  If I wanted to watch an action-filled comedy, I would choose a Stephen Chow/Jackie Chan film over this any day.

Nosferatu (1922)

So, the quest for a horror movie that actually scares me continues.  I heard many great things about this movie. I was even lured in by the Netflix description which states, "the scariest Dracula adapation ever". No, it's not. It's not bad, it's just not scary.  I don't want a film with gore; I'm in the hospital regularly and seeing blood doesn't bother me. Jump scares are cheap. They're meant to startle, not scare.  I'm just so disappointed with every horror film I see.

Here's Count Orlok. He looks like Count Chocula. He makes me really want chocolately breakfast cereal.

Note that he's not named Count Dracula, because that would be copying the book.  The director did try to change a few things so he wouldn't be sued. But he got sued anyway.  At least he didn't do anything unforgivable like make the vampires sparkle.


Like I said, I watched this on Netflix, but instead of the original soundtrack, they replaced with some really awful music. So, as usual when I watch silent films, I turn on Pandora. And it was awesome. The best part was when Count Orlok is on the ship, and the sailors start dying off. One of the sailors goes down to the hull to check things out. Then, the song "Sail" by AWOLNATION came on.  The entire song matched flawlessly with the tempo of the film. That just turned up the viewing experience to 11.

I was a little perturbed by this scene. Ellen is waiting for her husband to come home from Transylvania, and goes to relax at the beach. That sounds fine. But why are there crosses everywhere? Is this a graveyard beach? What is going on here? And why, throughout the movie, does she keep have the psychic moments where her eyes get really huge? Is it Nosferatu's hold on her? Because this is not explained whatsoever in the film. There were a lot of things not explained. It's as if the filmmakers expected us to read Dracula and at the same time accept this as a different story. Not happening. I'm giving this film a 4/10.

Das Cabinet des Dr. Caligari (The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari) (1920)

Wow, here is a silent film that kept my attention so much that I didn't even notice it was silent.  It starts outside in a mental asylum where a guy, Francis, is telling a story. This story is the plot of the film.  A lot of films are like this: told in a flashback by one character. Just get to the point already.

So Francis and his friend are both in love with the same girl. They all go to the carnival together. At this carnival, there is a sideshow featuring a somnambulist named Cesare.  What is a somnambulist ? Turns out it's just a fancy word for someone who sleepwalks. He can see the future, and is being controlled by Dr. Caligari.  We soon learn that Dr. Caligari is hypnotizing Cesare to kill people! Cesare kills Francis's friend and then kidnaps his girlfriend! Francis rescues her and discovers the truth - that Dr. Caligari is running the mental institution and has become obsessed with finding a somnambulist to control. But soon we learn the REAL truth, which also provides us with the very first film twist in history. This movie had a lot of action, and not too much overacting like we see in a lot of silent films.

Wait a second, was any of this real? Was his ladyfriend in any danger? Did any of this really happen? Did Cesare the somnambulist exist at all? Remember at the start of the movie we were being told a story by a man at a mental asylum.  We just saw a silent rendition of the rantings of a crazy person. I'm giving this film a 7/10. Awesome.

The Artist (2011)

Today's film is The Artist.  George Valentin is a silent film action star that is very successful. He meets Peppy, who is a fan who eventually becomes a star in her own right.  As technology progresses from silent films to films with talking, or "talkies", her fame surpasses his.  Will he be able to adapt to the ever-changing world of film, or will he hold tight to his nostalgia?

  

So this is mostly a silent film. I've seen lots of silent films, and most of them I would not consider spectacular. This one is.  Even people who would not normally ever watch a silent film will enjoy this.  I heard a lot of smack-talk during the Oscars, "How dare a silent film win in the day and age. That's so pretentious." Bitch do you even know what that word means?  A film is meant to tell a story.  The story is of a man who loses everything because he can't cope with change.  The change just happens to be the transition from silent films to ones with sound. Honestly, there were silent film actors who could not make this change.  So the obvious choice is to tell his story from his point of view, which is a silent film. This makes perfect sense. Besides, it's not entirely silent.

George starts to lose it when silent films go out of style, and his wife asks him why he refuses to talk.  He hears all the normal sounds you would hear in a room, such as a telephone ringing, and it grows louder and louder. He loses his possession to auction, and later loses his home.  Peppy, who is now successful, invites him to stay at her house, which is of course his old house, so that has to be really awkward.  He goes into a room with everything covered in white sheets. As he lifts the sheets up, he discovers that all of his old stuff was bought at auction by her. That scene was so creepy.  But Peppy makes up for it by trying really hard to get him back in the acting business. I will give this movie a 9/10.

Seven Chances (1925)

Today's film selection is Seven Chances.  Buster Keaton plays a bachelor, James 'Jimmie' Shannon, who stands to inherit $7 million dollars if he can marry someone by his 27th birthday. Why did I choose this movie? Because today is my 27th birthday!

Jimmie and his work partner need money for work or else they'll get in trouble. While pondering their financial misfortune, they decide on the obvious choice of ditching work to go to the country club. Little do they know someone with good news is tailing them. He finally gets to meet them and shares the good news of Jimmie's inheritance.

He asks his girl Mary to marry him. She says yes, but when she finds out that they must wed today, he tells her he is going to receive a lot of money if he marries some girl today.  Mary then surprises us by refusing to marry for money.  She loves the guy already, she accepted his offer before she knew about the money, and he proved himself to not think before speaking. Most husbands don't. So I don't see a problem here.

The three men go somewhere and Jimmie points out seven girls he knows. I am impressed he remembered all their names because all of them look exactly alike. He manages to strike out with every single woman. '20s humor abounds when he deftly avoids proposing to a Jewish woman and a black woman, but approaches a white girl in the barbershop, not realizing it's a dummy head. He goes backstage to a woman's show, not realizing but it's too late that the woman is acutally Julian Eltinge, a famous female impersonator who was not pleased to be proposed to.

His friends print an ad in the local paper telling of his predicament. Meanwhile, on his way to the church Jimmie "proposed to everyone wearing a skirt, including a Scotchman." But that's okay, he was white. Soon he has hundreds of potential brides vying for him. But he finally gets the message from Mary and heads off to her house.

The scene fade-ins and fade-outs are very well done. If anyone thinks that silent films are slow, boring and not worth watching, needs to watch a comedy like this. The scene where all the potential brides chase him through the football field was funny. Plus that dude can run. Movie gets a 6/10.

Un chien andalou (An Andalusian Dog) (1929)

I don't even know where to begin. There is nothing I can say that will explain this. I guess this is more of a surreal art piece than an actual film. Film will get a 6/10 for being a pretentious art piece. If I really wanted to see something of Dali's I'd rather drive over to Tampa to that museum of his than watch a movie. Honestly. Also they slice a lady's eyeball for no reason, there's ants coming out of people's hands, and that's gross.

Le voyage dans la lune (A Trip to the Moon) (1902)

Most people mistakenly believe that it was the Americans who first landed on the moon. This is wrong. It was actually the French all the way back in 1902, and this documentary proves it.  Most people think it was the Americans because our grandparents watched the moon landing on TV, but we know today that that garbage was filmed in New Mexico.  This film, A Trip to the Moon, is the real deal. I have already seen it several times in black and white, but I finally found a copy in color. Each frame was lovingly hand-painted, and I'm very excited to share some stills I saved with you.

First still is a picture of the launch. I have spent most of my life in Florida, so I have seen many launches and I can say this method is much more efficient than ours.
A line of hot chicks load up the "spaceship" into a cannon-like device which is then shot into space.


The next still is the actual landing. The astronauts, or spationautes as they are called in France, had the foresight to attach a camera to the front of their spaceship. We the viewers can see the moon get closer and closer and are even able to see its face!

The spaceship lands on the moon and takes out its right eye in a bloody mess. Wait, if the camera is attached to the spaceship, who's filming this??

The next still is the spationautes getting out of their spaceships and celebrating how great they are.  Notice how everybody's clothes have been painted a different color. The filmmakers had to do this with every single frame. The amount of work is astonishing.



Lastly, the spationautes encounter aliens and beat the crap out of them with umbrellas. This seems highly unnecessary since the aliens pose no threat and the moon is their territory. They just want to live in peace and scooch around on their butts.

This alien, scooching around on his butt,
has no idea he's about to be bopped on the head with an umbrella.

The spationautes run back to their spaceship and return to Earth, where they receive a hero's welcome.  This movie, however short, was amazing in its effects for the time period.  It is hard to believe people could make a film like this over 100 years ago.  And the fact that they included space aliens on the moon when our government is always trying to deny their existence is commendable.  The realism of the moon's geography is breathtaking (Lol- cause it's the moon and there's no atmosphere? Fine. I tried.) and I have been convinced that the whole area is a tropical mushroom garden with waterfalls. Part of me is starting to think that maybe this isn't a real documentary, but I'll still give it a 10/10.

City Lights (1931)

This is probably my favorite Charlie Chaplin film. It features him as his usual goofy tramp self, but he falls for a beautiful blind woman.  He goes out of his way to find funds for an eye surgery that will restore her sight.  She has no idea he's a simple tramp and believes he is a gentleman.  The police mistakenly think he stole the money and he is sent to jail.  When he is let out, she has had her surgery and can see.  So she finally gets to see him for the first time. This movie is so sweet and gets an 8/10.

Bronenosets Potyomkin (Battleship Potemkin) (1925)

So what if this is a propaganda piece? It works!  All those poor sailors out there on a boat, who are kept down by The Man.  And then they try and feed them rotten meat. That stuff had bugs in it! Are the sailors going to put up with that? Hells no. It's time to stand up against the man.  Even when the people get attacked by the evil government, the sailors are there to protect them.

For a silent film, I enjoyed watching this. And that's saying a lot. I give this a 6/10.

Birth of a Nation (1915)

After 4 days and an entire box of lemon Girl Scout cookies, I have finished The Birth of a Nation. The birth of my daughter Azalea took me 24 hours. This movie is over 3 hours and is just as painful.
The first half is a tedious personalized account of the entire civil war. Now, my family lives in Florida, but we are from Alabama.  So every year in school we were taught all about the War of Northern Aggression over and over. That's all they really focused on.  I don't even know what happened during the Vietnam War. So I don't need yet another long history lecture again. Yes I know Lincoln was shot. He died on my birthday, April 15th.  The first half was like living my childhood history lessons all over again. I thought I was done with that. In fact, the only way I could sit through a silent movie is to provide a soundtrack of my own. So the entire time I was watching it, I played Rage Against the Machine.

   So the second half is where it gets interesting. I could show this to my in-laws, tell them it's a documentary, and they would accept it as fact. That fact I find hilarious.  My half of the family is white, while my husband's is Native American. He said that "you won't hear us whining about reparations, and they took our land". Probably why you don't see any Native Americans in this film.

After the civil war, it shows how Congress gained its first black members.  They drink alcohol, eat fried chicken, and put their bare feet on the furniture. These are terrible people.  Something must be done, and the main cute white guy in the film sees some kids being scared off by other kids under a sheet, like a ghost costume. Ghosts are really scary, but not as scary as Ferris wheels. I don't know about you, but I am terrified of Ferris wheels.

The main evil guy in the film is Silas, who is half black and half white.  Unlike panda bears, who are both black and white and everybody loves them, Silas is a shady ass motherfucker who is bent on power.  In school we would have referred to him as "shady tree". He tries to force the pretty white girl to marry him against her will, but luckily she is saved by the unicorn people.

The other little girl in the film gets chased by another black guy, but leaps off a cliff to avoid him. However, she doesn't die immediately, she dies a slow painful death, like a Shakespeare character. Actually everything is slow and painful in this movie. This movie gets a 7/10 because I understand that it was groundbreaking, but it was too long.

Steamboat Bill, Jr (1928)

I have a hard time with silent films because they rely almost entirely on visuals, and I have difficulty following them. But I did enjoy this film, as well as most of the films featuring Buster Keaton. His athleticism adds to the physical comedy. Also, the movie inspired Steamboat Willie, which was the first Mickey Mouse cartoon with sound.

It was amazing how he just ran from one boat to another, all the way to the top of the wheelhouse. Dude just leapt all the way up their.  Then he rescues his dad from jail and there's a cyclone and everything. So much was happening. One of the most famous scenes is when the wall falls down on Buster Keaton, and he passes safely through a window. That was actually done with a full-weight wall and would have killed him if he missed.  I give it an 8/10.