Pointless Rambling Of My Thoughts

I just got back to my apartment. I've only been here for about an hour today. I'm not really the kind of person who enjoys spending the majority of my day in my home but over the past couple weeks I've grown rather dependent on the privacy and comfort it provides. I've come to realize that it's the only place I really feel safe. As safe as I ever feel that is. Perhaps I never actually feel completely safe anymore. This is the best I know of.

Do you ever feel like all you want is to be alone but once you are you get mad at yourself for choosing loneliness?

I haven't been sleeping well. I tend to stay up all night trying to sleep and then sleep during the day. I'm tired. I've tried doing all the things that supposedly put you to sleep but it doesn't work. My mind just won't be quiet long enough. It has so many things it wants me to do and it won't give me peace. My brain is a traitor to my body.

The Demon Returns

Sometime Saturday night or Sunday morning (I can't be sure.) the Demon returned and took over my body once again. I'm starting to think the demon has a crush on me. This time I was alone in bed and woke up because it was really hot in my apartment. My bed is right next to the radiator which is in front of the window. I'm not sure if I opened the window or turned on the fan but just like last time I was on my knees (now would be a bad time for a joke) on my bed when I lost control. The horrible ear buzzing started. I wish I could find a good way to describe that sound but I don't know what to compare it to. It starts small and rapidly gets louder and takes over. So I'm still on my knees and my head is turning as far left as possible on it's own while my arm forces it's way into a fist up by my face. I remember the muscle tension but I don't remember being in as much pain this time. It seemed to go faster. I was thinking, "Yes, I am having a seizure. I need to pass out. I just need to pass out and everything will be fine." Instead of "Please don't die. Please don't die." I felt my mouth foaming and my vision went out. Finally I felt my body collapse and I was unconscious.

When I woke up again it was early morning and I was confused. I couldn't go back to sleep because I was shaking but I didn't remember anything. My bed was wet. Slowly it creeps back in and as I become lucid I panic. I am not supposed to go to the hospital but I'm afraid to leave my bed. I want to call my mom but then I remember my whole family is about to get on a plane to fly home. I don't want to do that to her. I'm afraid to be alone. I don't why I was so scared. It doesn't make sense to me now but at the time I was wishing I had some place to go to feel safe. I called Casey really early in the morning and I felt bad about it. I just wanted to talk to someone. Telling someone something had happened was the only thing I could come up with. What if it happened again? When he got my message he called and then came over. With him there I was able to slowly calm down and I fell asleep. I was much better by the afternoon and emotionally fine. If he hadn't of been there I don't know what I would have done. Cried a lot more maybe? Thanks TLJ.The muscle pain went away quickly this time. It wasn't so bad.

So why did it happen? I never have an answer to this question. It seems to me that lack of sleep must have played a big part. I was up really early Saturday morning to fly back to New York. I didn't do much on Saturday but I wasn't able to get to sleep easily. It seems to me that the little amount of sleep is the only answer. If I hadn't been forced awake by extreme heat in my apartment I might not have had a seizure at all. I might have slept until noon on Sunday and everything would be peachy. I like this answer. I can live with this answer. I won't always get a full night of sleep but I know the importance of making it a priority now.

If it is a demon that is messing with me at least it is getting a little less destructive. If I hold a seance to speak to the demon should I vlog it for you? Maybe it just needs directions. Maybe I can bribe it with a virgin sacrifice or something. Unfortunately I think we might be together for life.

Busy = Screwed

Sooooooo tired! I accomplished nothing this weekend and now I'm screwed. I can barely keep my head up at work. I want to crawl under my desk and take a nap. Oh how wonderful a nap would be.

I still need to find a dress for my show so that was the plan after work today. Find dress then go home and sleep. I was in the office for all of one hour when I was reminded that tonight is drinks with the work peeps as a farewell to my friend Brian who suddenly regained consciousness and resigned to pursue real interests. I can't miss this outing. I can't drink either. I especially can't drink when I'm tired because that is begging for trouble in my case. Health trouble I mean. Not naughty trouble. Perverts.

I leave work at six which commits me to a few hours out with the peeps. I will get home in time to accomplish nothing but going over music. I have rehearsal with a pianist tomorrow night. Maybe I can pull off quick shopping after that? I don't know. Wednesday I HAVE to do laundry. My building has this inconvenient little rule where the laundry room is only open while I'm at work. I only have a few hours after and I'm usually not home in time. Bitches!

My beautiful and awesome eighteen year old cousin will be in town this Friday night until Monday morning. I'm looking forward to seeing her but I'm in a panic. My show is next Wednesday and I need to get shit together. I have to be cool New York cousin that shows her how awesome this city is when more than likely I'll be hyperventilating in my apartment trying to memorize songs. That will be fun!

Can you tell I'm freaking out? I can't decide which is worse; Looking at your calendar and realizing life is so hectic you could throw up or looking at your calendar and realizing there is nothing to look forward to. I'm going to go with throwing up as the better option.

Damn I'm tired.

It's been really busy recently. My most recent post was last Friday. How did a week pass so fast? My life:

Friday- After Work, Bohemian Beer Garden for burgers and pitchers. After that, gay bar in Hell's Kitchen for drinking and dancing. Don't know when I got home.

Saturday- Shopping in Harlem. Offered Braids, Perfume and Cigarettes a few hundred times. Pedicure. Worst manicure of all time. Dinner at Mama Mexico. They accidentally gave me chicken. EWWW. Kiwi Margaritas Mmmm. Back to my place for screw drivers.

Sunday- Drank too much Saturday. Skip brunch. Make Sangria for party in the magical land of Bay Ridge Brooklyn. Spend half of life getting there. Totally worth it.

Monday- Meet lover boy's Mom, Step Dad, Sister, and Nephew for first time. Find out they are AWESOME. Have a great brunch with them. Walk twenty blocks in four inch heels to get a cake. Ruin feet forever. Go to lover boy's graduation party with previously mentioned cake. Have wonderful night with wonderful friends at previously mentioned party.

Tuesday- Work :( Then off to see Wicked the musical with lover boy's family. Meet Uncle, Aunt, and Cousin for first time. Uncle is seriously cool. Some David kid that just lost American Idol was in the audience. Boooo. Evil monkey's flew over my head and didn't throw feces, yay!

Wednesday- Work :( Watch the clock until the minute I can leave. Throw on cute dress and run to Lover Boy's graduation. Meet brother and Sister in Law for first time. Realllly nice people. Watch hot boyfriend get pinned and give shockingly good speech. He thanked Barry Manilow. *Shakes head*.

Thursday- Work :( I got here early today so I can leave early and still be late to fancy dinner. *Single tear*. Tonight I meet Lover Boy's Dad, Step Mom, and Little Brother. We are eating at 5:30 so I have not had anything but coffee today. 5:30 is usually when I stop eating brunch. Can you tell I'm going mad? Still one more day of work. NOOOOOOO. Supposed to see Duran Duran this weekend but Casey might have to bail. That blows. My birthday party is this Sunday. Is this whirlwind spiraling into my birthday an omen of what the year to come will be? Ah!