bracing myself

(I've been super duper busy at work and haven't had time to blog all week till today. I finally caught up on my fellow bloggy buddies. And no worries, I'm here and doing well.)

Today, I'm bracing myself. I've been looking forward to today because we will be going to a baby lu'au. (First year baby party). But then I realized this morning, crap, people will most likely be bombarding us with questions of ....when will you guys be having kids? I hate those questions. I know they are well intended, but really, how the heck do you answer that question when you've gone through two miscarriages and have not been able to TTC for the past 6 months? My DH, he's a rock. He's totally not worried about it, and will likely say something like -- well, when it happens -- or some other similar response. I'm trying to take his approach, but I dunno, I feel like I'm more of a planner, and want to have a response "gun" ready. And no, i'm not one of those people that can get all haughty in my response....so whatever it is I say, it's got to be nice. Hmmmm..........any suggestions?

CD 11 today --- it's looking like my cycles are still the same very very long 33-36 days...so I wont be Oing for another week and a half. Man, oh man, it seems like all I'm ever doing on this journey is waiting!!!

bye bye bye (read as nKOTB song)

yup, you guessed it, NO MORE HYPERPLASIA!!! The doc finally called yesterday (obviously, my little prompting phone call the night before worked). He said the lab results turned out normal and everything is looking A-ok. He was very pleased, and so was I. I'm now able to start TTC (well, technically, I'm supposed to take it easy for a couple months, but he really didn't sound as strict about it). In fact, I dont feel guilty at all now for wanting to start TTC right away. So hallelujah, PRAISE THE LORD. I'm finally back TTC.

Let the good times begin!!!

borrrriiinngggg

So even though I'm now TTC, i feel as if my bloggy news is still kinda boring. I dont have much news to report. CD3 and nothing new going on here. Just getting through dear old AF.

Oh, I finally called the doctor yesterday (after hours however, so didn't get to talk to a live person). I left a message with his assistant to call me back with the results. It's a good thing I'm super busy at work, or I'd be a little more ticked off that he hasn't called me to tell me if I have hyperplasia or not. I'm thinking, if he hasn't called, the results were good.

That's all for now.

day of remembrance????

so, i didn't want to make a big deal and i still dont. Some do, and i respect that and get it. For me, it's just not my thing. It's too sad to really think about it and really celebrate it...so other than this teeny tiny blog post...that's all that's going to be said about it.

Today was the due date for the baby i lost in my first miscarriage.

That's all.

CD 1

Holy Crap, I'm on my first true CD1 since May. =)

(yes, I'm being brazen, I haven't heard from the doc yet, but I'm sure the hyperplasia is gone. I've stopped taking the BCPs 1 week early (stopped yesterday), but I dont care.)

My cycles pre MCs were 33-36 days so I wont expect to O for another 2.5 weeks, but here we go!!!!!!

6 things that make me smile

So, I got tagged by Emmy. The following is a list of 6 things that make me smile.
1) My doggie - Pa.hupu. He is a loveable, hyperactive, very large, american bulldog. For now, he's the baby of our family.
2) My DH. Duh, of course.
3) Watching the american idol and the bachelor. Yeah, I'm a sucker for those happy ending reality tv shows, even if it's all in the editing.
4) My girlfriends. Yesterday, DH had to work, so I spent the day with my girlfriends and I must say, we had A BLAST! We did a road trip, on the way out we scored some ultra VIP tickets to a great sporting event and while there got hooked up by the event hosts and got tons of free drinks, on our way back we stopped at a road stand and bought each other roses and the road stand guy hooked us all up with a free stuffed animal of our choice saying we could each be his valentine, and we sang the WHOLE WAY BACK at the top of our lungs to a 90's CD. =)
5) The thought of becoming a mommy and my DH becoming a daddy.
6) the Lord!

On the uterus front - no news yet from the doctor about my lab results. Hope he calls soon!!!

The BIG appointment, wasn't so big.....

Anti-climatic. That's what the appointment was. I went in, the doc did his thing, and I still dont know if I can start TTC.

Ok, let me explain more. I went in, and the doc did an endometrial biopsy (he called it a "wimpy D&C"). It was in an in-office procedure and damn, that sh$T hurt!!!!!! It was quick though, but the cramping still hurt afterward. I took two advil (had to buy some at he downstairs OTC pharmacy) and that helped. However, I wont know the results (whether I still have hyperplasia) until he calls me on Tuesday or WEdnesday. He had to send the sample to the lab and b/c its a long weekend, I wont know till Tuesday or Wednesday. The good news is that he did say that the lining looked pretty thin, so he didn't think I still had hyperplasia.

Here comes the bad part -- kinda. He said that I should finish out the pill pack (I have about 10 days left of colored pills) and then I should wait 2 months until I get pregnant. He said he wants my lining and cycle to have more of a chance to get back to normal. My thoughts on that - I will finish out the pill pack (or come close to it as I can - which may be only till I get the call on Tuesday or Wednesday), but I dont think I'm going to wait 2 more months before TTC. I have a feeling its going to take me 2 months just to get the hang of temping and timing my BDing. I mean, last time I started TTC after taking the pill, it took me 3 months before my first pregnancy. So my plan is to start TTC right away.

Call me crazy, but I feel as if I've been waiting FOREVER and I've always been following the doctor's orders. (Except for getting pregnant immediately after my 1st MC and not waiting a cycle). I also feel as if my body is back to normal (except for being on BCPs) and the extra two months of waiting is unnecessary precaution - you know, how doctors say things just to be extra duperly cautious. I think that when my body is ready to get pregnant, it will, whether it be on my first cycle TTC or my 3rd.

So that's my decision. Let me know what u think. Feel free to be brutally honest...I respect that.

And I'll keep you posted as to the lab results. I'm confident it will be fine.

Umm..3 more days....and that's it.

Ok, so I'm dreadfully running out of things to blog about. 3 more days till the big doctor's appointment. I cannot wait!

Single digits

Nothing new to report other than we are in SINGLE digits on my countdown ticker till the big doctor's appointment where I will find out if i can stop taking BCPs and start TTC again. Nine more days to go. Perhaps Valentines day will be my first official CD1 since May 2008? I BELIEVE I RECEIVE!

Revelation

This morning at 5:30 am, I had a revelation.

For a while now, I had been asking: why didn't God intervene to save my pregnancies? Why did I have to have two miscarriages in a row?

I received the answer this morning.

Let me preface this by saying that before this morning, I knew that God only allows us to experience that which we can handle. After going through my losses, I thought, "man, God sure must think I'm a strong woman to be able to handle two miscarriages in a row." Now I realize that God knew that that was about all the loss I could handle (because as all of you who have experienced loss or consecutive losses know, this is very very very tough). I realized that had I not gone through those losses, I would have not researched causes of miscarriage, I would not have discovered that the cause of miscarriages could sometimes be due to a mishaped uterus, I would not have asked my previous OB to allow me to have a HSG to check the shape of my uterus, I would not have discovered that I had a mishaped uterus (subseptate), I would not have had the surgery to correct it, I would not have met my new doctor, he would not have discovered that I had hyperplasia as well, and I would not have been prescribed BCPs to control and treat the hyperplasia and prevent its return.

I also realized that I would have and could have potentially went through more pregnancy loss and difficulty without all of the foregoing happening. I have a virtual friend, who is currently going through a very very very tough pregnancy. She has a septate uterus while being pregnant. Currently, her baby is developing normally, but there is and has always been (through her 18 weeks of pregnancy) a major concern over the welfare of the baby and her own health due to the condition of her uterus. There are problems with the way the baby is positioned, problems with the amount of amniotic fluid surrounding the baby, major concern as to how the baby will be able to continue to develop normally in the cramped environment, and the very real threat of a late term miscarriage or stillbirth. Her condition has already caused her to lose a prior pregnancy at 15 weeks. She has been on strict bedrest for weeks now. I have been praying for her ever since she got her BFP. She is courageously facing this journey. Her situation has allowed me to realize that had I not gone through my own journey, I could be in a similar situation. I would not be as courageous as her. God knew this. Hence, my own path has been different.

So, this morning, I now know why things happened the way they happened. I understand "why?". I know, God is good.

In other news: Less than 12 days till the big doctor's appointment! My new mantra is: "I believe I receive." I believe I received my healing. I believe I will receive great news from my doctor at that appointment that I can stop taking BCPs and will be able to start TTC. I believe that I will receive a BFP on my first cycle and a smooth and health pregnancy this year. I believe that I will receive the birth of our first child, healthy and beautiful, by the end of the year.