Revelation

This morning at 5:30 am, I had a revelation.

For a while now, I had been asking: why didn't God intervene to save my pregnancies? Why did I have to have two miscarriages in a row?

I received the answer this morning.

Let me preface this by saying that before this morning, I knew that God only allows us to experience that which we can handle. After going through my losses, I thought, "man, God sure must think I'm a strong woman to be able to handle two miscarriages in a row." Now I realize that God knew that that was about all the loss I could handle (because as all of you who have experienced loss or consecutive losses know, this is very very very tough). I realized that had I not gone through those losses, I would have not researched causes of miscarriage, I would not have discovered that the cause of miscarriages could sometimes be due to a mishaped uterus, I would not have asked my previous OB to allow me to have a HSG to check the shape of my uterus, I would not have discovered that I had a mishaped uterus (subseptate), I would not have had the surgery to correct it, I would not have met my new doctor, he would not have discovered that I had hyperplasia as well, and I would not have been prescribed BCPs to control and treat the hyperplasia and prevent its return.

I also realized that I would have and could have potentially went through more pregnancy loss and difficulty without all of the foregoing happening. I have a virtual friend, who is currently going through a very very very tough pregnancy. She has a septate uterus while being pregnant. Currently, her baby is developing normally, but there is and has always been (through her 18 weeks of pregnancy) a major concern over the welfare of the baby and her own health due to the condition of her uterus. There are problems with the way the baby is positioned, problems with the amount of amniotic fluid surrounding the baby, major concern as to how the baby will be able to continue to develop normally in the cramped environment, and the very real threat of a late term miscarriage or stillbirth. Her condition has already caused her to lose a prior pregnancy at 15 weeks. She has been on strict bedrest for weeks now. I have been praying for her ever since she got her BFP. She is courageously facing this journey. Her situation has allowed me to realize that had I not gone through my own journey, I could be in a similar situation. I would not be as courageous as her. God knew this. Hence, my own path has been different.

So, this morning, I now know why things happened the way they happened. I understand "why?". I know, God is good.

In other news: Less than 12 days till the big doctor's appointment! My new mantra is: "I believe I receive." I believe I received my healing. I believe I will receive great news from my doctor at that appointment that I can stop taking BCPs and will be able to start TTC. I believe that I will receive a BFP on my first cycle and a smooth and health pregnancy this year. I believe that I will receive the birth of our first child, healthy and beautiful, by the end of the year.