Heartache and Hope

So often life throws unexpected challenges.  Yet through it all we find not only heartache but also hope.  Hope in tomorrow.  Hope in God.  Hope is His eternal plan for families, that life nor death is the end.

I had the joy recently to learn I am pregnant.  The joys was  uncontainable.  I wanted to share it with everyone I knew and did not know.  Baby names were being thought of, plans for building the cradle were explored.  Budgeting was being done.  Fretting about how and when to tell work.  Even deleting all friends from the new job off my facebook account in case I or someone else commented about being pregnant. I listened to General Conference and felt that every talk was for me as so many talked about families and raising our children to love and have testimonies of the Lord.

Then after the morning session of conference, things changed.  Things were not right, and I knew it.  I waited a few hours before telling Joshua and we decided to go to the E.R.  He and a dear friends husband gave me a priesthood blessing.  I felt a peace surround me even though I was still concerned, and my body was able to relax.  After 4 hours in the E.R., ultrasounds, tests, tests and more tests I was told I was having a miscarriage.  I am grateful for the kind doctor who delivered the news, my supportive husband who held me, took me home and made me cheese crisps for dinner and chocolate chip cookies and a nice fire while we begin our journey of waiting it all out.

At times my heart feels like breaking, I feel I can't breathe.  I try to sing songs that comfort me but nothing comes but tears.  I write and tears come.  Then comes the undeniable peace and comfort that this is a trial of life that will pass.  I will be patient with myself and my feelings and let myself mourn and feel the hand of God in my life.  God is extremely aware of me and my family.  I feel his peace as I pray for comfort.  The Conference messages are still for me as one day, on the timetable of Him who is most wise, I will have children here on earth.  I know that families are forever and I will see and know that child again.  That child I was able to love inside of me, I continue to love.  I will not give up.  I will not quit.  I will keep walking.  I will keep trying. There is help and happiness now and ahead despite the sadness and pain.  I will keep my chin up.  It will be all right in the end.  I trust God and believe in good things to come.