Twilight: A Comprehensive Review

A couple weeks ago I finally sat myself down and watched me a Twilight and friends, I am so confused.

I did it so we could record this episode of Hive Mind. I watch a lot of . . . unique programming because I'm commanded to do so by Mob Boss Meg.

Somehow I had gone eleventy years from the time the first book came out until a couple weeks ago with almost no exposure to the Twilight universe. Basically all I knew about it was there were some books about a vampire that were converted into a series of films where the muscles in Kristen Stewart's face were completely paralyzed.

That's honestly it.

And then I sat down and started this film. Matt came over and watched it with me. He was sort of tricked into it. I had texted him "come to my house! I'm ordering Chinese food and watching a classic movie!" The moment it started he began yelling at me in such a strong southern accent that it retroactively changed the outcome of the Civil War.

This is basically the plot of this movie:

And the Award Goes To

A few years ago Skylar and I started this thing where we try to see all of the Academy Award best picture nominees before the Oscars. Then we fill out our Oscar ballots and Skylar gets all but like one correct and I get zero correct and then I scream at him and accuse him of cheating and then he tells me I just need to apply myself more and do my research and it's very healthy.

The problem is we tend not to go to movies very much until the nominees are announced and then it's a mad rush to see nine films in like the last month, which is a lot of films to see in one month, especially when one of those films is The Irishman. I kid you not, The Irishman is over three-and-a-half hours long.

THREE. AND. A. HALF.

HOURS.

That's the length of two football fields if you convert it into distance. If you unwind the film from the VHS tape, it wraps around the Earth SIX TIMES. The Irishman is so long you can see it from space.

I watched this movie at home a few weeks ago and I legitimately had to take meal breaks. By the time it ended Duncan had grandchildren.

Anyway, we're in more of a predicament this year than usual because Skylar has negative zero time to watch nine films in one month, but he kind of doesn't realize that. I think he has so little time that he actually hasn't found the time to realize how little time he has.

Space Jesus

Today I published an article on The Beehive called "Space Jesus." I decided I wanted to write a humor piece on Temple Square (and Salt Lake City in general) around Christmas. But when I set out to write it it just didn't come out as a humor piece, and instead came out as a reflection on what it feels/looks like to have a complicated relationship with religion (for whatever reason).

It's the most sincere and heartfelt thing I've written in a long time and it's really important to me. I'd love to have you go read it. You can find the article here. And I would really love to hear your thoughts on the topic, whether or not you feel you can relate specifically.

Saved By The Bell: Wedding in Las Vegas

Here's my recap, completely from memory, of the 1994 made-for-tv cinematic masterpiece, “Saved By The Bell: Wedding in Las Vegas.” Proof of qualifications: a very worn out VHS tape on which I taped the film and wrote “IMPORTANT” on the label so my family wouldn't record over it.

The gang of Bayside High graduated and Zack and Kelly have finally decided tie the knot. One problem though—Zack’s dad doesn’t understand and won’t support the wedding OH BOY we’re in for some tension.

Zack tells Kelly about his father’s unreasonable obstinance and Kelly is all like “my parents are cool with this but they can’t support the wedding financially” which is consistent with the larger cannon of SBTB as we recall from when Kelly couldn’t buy a prom dress so Zack took her to parking lot prom.

Fortunately Zack’s mom gives him vouchers to stay at the Stardust hotel in Vegas and Zack has $1200 so the crew decides to road trip to the strip for some unexpected SHENANIGANS.

Jaws!

The other night I watched Jaws and I decided to live Tweet my experience and I'm feeling lazy and some of you still refuse to follow me on Twitter BECAUSE YOU DON'T MIND COMMITTING HATE CRIMES and I'm frantically trying to prepare for our AMAZING SHOW in SLC this Friday (get tickets here, please. Meg keeps yelling at me because I'm not popular enough to sell out Madison Square Garden.).

So, here's my experience watching Jaws for the very first time. Also, what "old" movie do I need to see next?

Britney Spears, Crossroads

(Hola. Strangerville Live is on July 12. I had a dream last night that I fell asleep during the show and when I woke up everyone had already left and Meg said I slept through my own story and so we had to give everyone their money back. I'm just glad we have a good return policy in my dreams. Get your tickets at THIS LINK.)

It suddenly occurred to me that I had never seen Britney Spears's 2002 cinematic masterpiece Crossroads so this morning I pulled up what the kids are calling the Youtubes and I watched.

Not the whole thing, for that is probably illegal, and stuff. But I found clips, and let me tell you something about Britney Spears's 2002 cinematic masterpiece Crossroads: this is not a great film.

10 Movies I Could Never Get Sick of Watching

I'm not saying these are the best films of all-time. There are many movies that I think are much greater than these, but that I could only watch once.

This post pays tribute to the movies I could watch over and over. The kind of movie you might flip on to have in the background while cleaning the house. I present these, aggressively-unapologetically, in no particular order.

1. You've Got Mail

Look. I don't care what you say. It's a nearly perfect film. I watch it every Thanksgiving morning while I cook pies that my family definitely won't eat. I could quote the entire movie at you, word-for-word from the opening line all the way to the part where Meg Ryan says "I wanted it to be you. I wanted it to be you so badly."

Won't You Be My Neighbor

My two older sisters hated it when Trolley started making its way back to Mr. Rogers's house from Make Believe Land.

Every episode had the same simple format. Mr. Rogers would come through the front door of his tiny and simple home, singing about it being "a beautiful day in the neighborhood," asking viewers to be his neighbor, and changing into a sweater and more comfortable shoes. He would introduce the simple concept of the day. Music, or creativity, or sadness, or inclusivity, or whatever. Various cast regulars and special guests would come by to help demonstrate the lesson of the day. Then Trolley would go off to Make Believe Land.

You guys. Jurassic World. There's another one.

Last week Meg told me there was a new Jurassic World movie out, and then she threatened me to see it with her.

This is an activity that makes sense for us because our relationship is basically based off of the first Jurassic World movie. When that one came out I wrote a recap about it that was, how do I put this, somewhat critical. If you go to that post and look for Meg's contribution in the comments section, you'll find the birth of our friendship. Just three years ago we were commiserating over hating Jurassic World and now I'm 8th in line to get her children.

Mark my words: I will do what it takes to ascend that list.

Which is maybe why Saturday afternoon I showed up at Century 16 movie theater at 3:00 in the afternoon to meet Meg. What happened over the next two hours will be hard to explain. But I'll try.

Queen Latifah

Matt accused me of exaggerating "just like" I "always do."

This was offensive. Not because I consider "exaggerator" to be an insult, but because he said it in the same tone he uses to discuss youthsss on Instagram.

This all came about because I was telling him about this time in 2012 when I was living with Daniel and we were supposed to go somewhere but then suddenly the American classic Just Wright starring Queen Latifah came on TV.

Daniel told me that it was important that we stay home and watch this cinematic masterpiece in its entirety rather than do anything else in that moment.

This was back when we were too poor for DVR so we really had no other option.

I hadn't seen the movie before, but Daniel apparently had. Which is why he had no excuse for his decision to suggest that we watch it.

Look. It's been so long that I might be mixing up the plot I'm about to explain to you with about 9 other movies. So don't use this blog post as your exclusive source of knowledge on Just Wright, especially if you have a test on it coming up.

Motherhood, amiright?!

Recently Meg texted me in the middle of a school day and was all like "GO TO A MOVIE WITH ME OR DON'T BOTHER COMING HOME," which was weird because we don't live together.

I normally oppose going to all movies at all costs when those movies are played during the day hours because I find coming out of a movie theater when it's light outside to be supremely depressing.

But I've had a relatively stressful work week/month/year/life and I love myself so I decided I would just take some time and do it.

I met Meg at the theater at 4:00 in the afternoon. She wanted to see a movie called Tully. No spoilers here, but basically it's about a woman with two kids who has a third baby and is super overwhelmed with caring for the newborn.

And y'all. Like 20 minutes into this movie I was so stressed about motherhood that scheduling a dozen spa days is basically a medical necessity for me right now. I went shopping right after the movie and charged everything to my insurance card.

I'm one thousand percent convinced that Meg wanted me to go to this movie with her because of every time I've screamed at her for not staying caught up on TV shows because she was too busy dealing with sick children and I'm like "CHANGE YOUR PRIORITIES OR DON'T BOTHER COMING HOME."

The Worst Movie Ever Made

So last night Anna, Emily, Skylar, and I decided that since it was one of the final "good" weekends of the year in Salt Lake City, we would take advantage of the weather. 

I'm not kidding you about my town right now. It is unbelievably gorgeous. Not to get all basic white girl on you, but I love me some Autumn. I'm like totes pumpkin spice lol rofl leggings warm fire hot cocoa about it and I like totes pumpkin spice don't care.

But this year is extra beautiful. I think it's because we had such a wet winter season last year and that led to a greener spring and summer, which means a more colorful fall. 

Check it out. This is from my run up Emigration Canyon with some friends.

Independence Day Resurgence: America is Definitely Getting Dumber

You guys. I went into this with very low expectations. After Jurassic World happened last year, I was convinced that the United States of America no longer has enough brain cells to support action films that make sense.

But oh sweet mother of goose.

As usual, I'll start this with an empty "spoiler alert." It is empty, because, as usual, I'm not convinced there was enough of a plot in this movie to possibly spoil.

We all remember Independence Day in 1996. It was amazing. As a 12-year-old, I vividly remember sitting in the theater on July 3, 1996, thinking, "special effects cannot get better than this. We've reached the end result."

Troop Beverly Hills is One of the Most Important Films of Our Time

If you're one of my 7 disappointed Twitter followers, you may have seen me what-the-kids-are-calling "tweet" this recently:

You likely wondered what prompted me to express such a controversial opinion. Well, I'll tell you.

I watched Troop Beverly Hills two weeks ago. And I'm not ashamed to admit it. Because it was AMAZING.

Obviously I had seen it when I was a kid. I mean, it didn't raise me to the extent that Full House did. But it was sort of like the fun aunt that you get to go stay with when your parents go on vacation without you. And then you put the fun aunt's toddler onto an office chair and spin it around and around until the toddler falls off and onto the the concrete basement floor and then fun aunt's scary husband comes and yells at you and you still feel awkward around him today even though that happened more than 21 years ago and you're a thirty-one year old man.

Fuller House Came Out and It's Even Worse than You Imagined

Where to even begin.

When Netflix said they were producing a season of a Full House reboot, we all quit our jobs to make sure there would be no distractions in our lives when it was released. There has never been, at any time since that crocodile gave birth to the first human baby*, a more exciting announcement than the one that told us that Full House was coming back.

Yes, we all knew it was going to be terrible. Let's just get that out of the way right now. Nobody actually thought this was going to be a good show. We all saw Full House in the 90s. We see it on tv all day, every single day. There is basically a channel devoted to Full House syndication. Every one of us saw at least a flash of one of the show's scenes just today while we flipped back and forth between Love It Or List It and Naked and Afraid. Just how terrible Full House was and is has never drifted far enough into the recesses of our minds to allow nostalgia to fool us into an alternate reality wherein this show wasn't gag-inducing.

Jurassic World: Is America Getting Dumber?

You guys.

I saw Jurassic World this weekend. And oh my gosh. YOU GUYS.

WHAT IS HAPPENING TO US?

Seriously. Are we getting dumber? Is America getting dumber?!

I know the entire Internets are already full of people complaining about things and tearing apart whatever you love. And I know that I don't need to be yet another one of those voices of hate. But I'm going to be right this minute. Because I sat through all 247 hours of Jurassic World this weekend AND THIS IS MY ONLY OUTLET OK?!

I would warn you that this post is going to be a spoiler for the movie. But I don't think it actually is a spoiler. Because a movie has to have a plot in order for one to spoil it. And Jurassic World HAS NO PLOT.

10 Things I Learn from "It's a Wonderful Life"

1. Flirting should be funny.

One of my favorite lines from the movie is when ol' what's-her-name (the blonde bombshell) is walking down the sidewalk and George compliments her dress. With attitude, she retorts, "this old thing? Well I only wear it when I don't care how I look." Her confidence in that moment makes me want to make her my very best friend.