Twilight: A Comprehensive Review

A couple weeks ago I finally sat myself down and watched me a Twilight and friends, I am so confused.

I did it so we could record this episode of Hive Mind. I watch a lot of . . . unique programming because I'm commanded to do so by Mob Boss Meg.

Somehow I had gone eleventy years from the time the first book came out until a couple weeks ago with almost no exposure to the Twilight universe. Basically all I knew about it was there were some books about a vampire that were converted into a series of films where the muscles in Kristen Stewart's face were completely paralyzed.

That's honestly it.

And then I sat down and started this film. Matt came over and watched it with me. He was sort of tricked into it. I had texted him "come to my house! I'm ordering Chinese food and watching a classic movie!" The moment it started he began yelling at me in such a strong southern accent that it retroactively changed the outcome of the Civil War.

This is basically the plot of this movie:

Homegirl's mom is getting jiggy with a fourth-string outfielder or hockey player or Tim Riggins and she's decided to go on the road with him so he can do his sports games so now homegirl has to go live with her dad in mumble-mumble Washington.

Sure.

She has to go to a new school now and the second she walks in the door everyone is like "YOU ARE SO CHARISMATIC AND PERFECT AND WE DECLARE YOU POPULAR" even though she has literally not said or done anything. There's even this part where what's-her-name is like "hi Bella" and Bella is like "hi" and what's-her-name is like "hahahahHAHAHAHhahahahHAhahAHAHa! You are SO funny! She is SO funny!"

THEN a bunch of hot people walk into the cafeteria and everyone is all like "those are the foster kids who all live together in a house run by someone who is their exact same age and they're all sleeping with each other." We notice the fosters are super mysterious AND THAT'S WHEN Bella makes eye contact with Edward.

As it turns out Bella and Edward are lab partners in science time later and they exchange upwards of 9 words with one other. Then later Edward stops a van with his hand before it can crash into Bella.

Bella knows something is different about Edward because HOW DID HE GET TO HER IN TIME TO SAVE HER FROM THE VAN HE WAS LIKE A MILE AWAY. But when she confronts Edward about this he's like "I'm a man and I'm full of adrenaline."

So they interact like 1 and a half more times and then Bella Asks Jeeves WTF and the internet is like "obviously he's a vampire" so then she goes to Edward and she's like "obviously you're a vampire."

Edward confirms and then he proves it by running up and down trees and flexing his sweet muscles for a full eternity of a scene. Then he tells Bella that even though he's not a regular vampire (he's a cool vampire), she needs to stay away from him because he has a desire to eat her. Bella is like "I DON'T CARE I LOVE YOU I WOULD DIE FOR YOU HERE'S ALL MY MONEY AND MY SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER."

So now I guess they're dating, but their dates mostly consist of Edward almost eating Bella and Bella acknowledging that it's not his fault because he can't control himself since he's a man vampire.

Oh and somewhere in here Bella rides on Edward's back like he's a centaur and he runs through the forest and his legs spin up in the air like the Roadrunner. 

Also Edward can't eat. And he tells her he was actually born like 100 years ago and he was bitten by a vampire for reasons I don't remember because lots of whiskey and he and all the other vampires have just been going to high school since World War I, which is a truly wild way to spend eternity.

Then there's a baseball game. The vampires can somehow hit the ball halfway across the state without breaking the bat. The baseball game is so long that this is technically a baseball movie rather than a vampire movie.

At the end of the game the mean vampires show up and they're like "can we play???" and the nice vampires are like "SURE!"

SO THERE'S ANOTHER FREAKING BASEBALL GAME.

At some point the mean vampires decide to eat Bella so the nice vampires help her escape to Arizona because, sure.

Then there's a big vampire fight inside a church or warehouse or the Superdome. I don't know. One of the mean vampires gets killed because Dorothy accidentally hits a glass full of water with a baseball bat so homevampire melts. The other mean vampires are NOT happy about this but I guess they decide to take no further action at this time.

Then Bella and Edward go to prom and now they're EVEN MORE in love. But just when you think everything is safe and fine, one of the mean vampires suddenly shows up at prom, too!

I don't know the implications of this social decision, but it apparently means there have to be four more movies of this.

But at least now you don't have to see the first one!

~It Just Gets Stranger