The only time I ever feel really fat is when I try on Bob's Navy uniform every year on Halloween.
It was late and Halloween night was less than 24 hours away so I pulled the costume out. I quickly realized that I was stuck in it and needed some serious help. So I frantically ran to the front room and found Rebecca, who was on a work-related phone call with some clients in India.
Eli: HELP ME!!!
Rebecca: [Whispering] Why is there a very tight shirt on your head?
Eli: No time to explain! Just help me get it off!
Rebecca: I'm on a work call right now. Can't this wait?
Eli: DOES THIS LOOK LIKE IT CAN WAIT?!
For the next several minutes, Rebecca, holding her phone up to her ear with her shoulder, had me twist and bend several different ways as she tried to pull the shirt off of me. I screamed the entire time.
The shirt came off, and I retreated back into my room. Then I wondered how the costume would look with a certain scarf. So, against my better judgment, I put it back on. A few minutes later:
Eli: HELP ME!!!
Rebecca: SERIOUSLY?! AGAIN?!
Eli: Now's not the time to judge!
Rebecca: Why would you put it back on!?
Rebecca continued her call with India while spending several more minutes and a great amount of energy helping me back out of my costume.
I swear to you this happened a third time. I swear to you Rebecca almost murdered me when it did.
When I finally finished trying on costumes, I came back out to the front room, grabbed the first blanket I could find, and plopped down onto the floor, waiting for Rebecca to finish her phone call so she could pay attention to me.
Rebecca: Ok, that's all we need to cover on this call. Thanks everyone for making time. [click]. ELI WHITTLE MCCANN. WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?!
Eli: Huh?
Rebecca: This place is a circus! A CIRCUS!
Eli: Well I just needed some help.
Rebecca: And WHAT on Earth are you wearing right now?!
Eli: My Snuggie. Obviously.
Rebecca: That is the grossest, ugliest thing I have ever seen!
Eli: YOU SHOULD BE HANGED FOR SUCH TALK!
Rebecca: A blanket with sleeves is the least sexy thing I can imagine.
Eli: First of all, a Snuggie is not a blanket with sleeves. A blanket is a Snuggie without sleeves.
Rebecca: I fear for you.
Eli: And second, who wouldn't want to come cuddle with this?!
Rebecca went to bed after that, grumbling something about "how did my life become this." Then some time passed and she forgot about the night before Halloween.
Until just now happened.
I was sitting in my brown chair just across from her. She was working and not really paying attention to me. Then she remembered she needed to tell me something.
Rebecca: Oh, guess what--uh, WHAT are you wearing?
Eli: Huh? Oh this old thing? It's my new blanket.
Rebecca: Why do so many weird things happen in this house!?
Eli: There is nothing wrong with this blanket.
Rebecca: When did you even get that?
Eli: Last weekend in Vegas. I realized that I forgot to pack a blanket so I went to the store on the morning of the race and picked it up.
Rebecca: And that's the one you chose?! Out of all the blankets in the world, you thought that was the best one?
Eli: YOU'RE JUST ANTI-RELIGION!
~It Just Gets Stranger
Now if only it had sleeves...
ReplyDeleteSweet Mother of God! The eyes follow me around the room...
ReplyDeleteMr. Eli, you are the master! I would have never thought to introduce my girlfriend to the world by putting her on a Face Blanket! So how did you two meet? Is it serious? She is a hottie! I have a the confession, though. She is kind of familiar. Hashtag shekindalookslikeayoungCathie Hashtag notcreepyatall
ReplyDeleteFirst thought -- honest to God -- "Oh wow. His hair looks GREAT."
ReplyDeleteFirst of all...it's WhittleBOTTOM, not Whittle.
ReplyDeleteSecondly, I'm starting to realize that Rebecca is actually the sane one.
Lee, I go back and forth on this one. At some point there needs to be a vote.
DeleteAgreed.
DeleteThis reminds me of one time when my friend ended up winning some kind of strawberry spray. He sprayed it in his mouth, and looked appalled that such a thing had ever even been conceived of. ("It tastes like fertilizer! I'm pretty sure that is pure chemicals.")
ReplyDeleteAbout ten minutes later, he sprayed it in his mouth again, and then proceeded to collapse to the floor chanting "Why".
Me: "WHY DID YOU SPRAY IT IN YOUR MOUTH AGAIN?!"
Him: (sounding like he was tearing up) "I had to remind myself how it tasted!"
LOL, nice.
DeleteI guess I'm not exactly innocent. I once sprayed mouth spray up my nose because in a meeting I was in, the guy doing the meeting said it helped him stay awake when he had to drive at night. So I tried it out in the meeting. Let's just say minty mouth spray up the nose is just NOT EVER supposed to happen. The guys beside me were in tears and one guy didn't see it so he goes to me "aw man, I missed what you did...do it again". Needless to say I did not do it again for him.
Oh my dear, Lee... this is hysterical!
DeleteIs Rebeccca going to move to your new house with you?!?
ReplyDeleteI wondered the same thing...
DeleteI just laughed so hard I had tears. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteEli, I'm so excited for you considering buying a house. Seriously. *claps* But please at least make sure to have someone come feed and water you once a week. If you go solo... I will fear for you.
ReplyDeleteBut, no joke, a year ago someone got me a Snuggie because I showed them your Snuggie Texts posts and giggled non-stop, and they thought I was insane (they also didn't laugh... hashtag haters). It's a penguin one. And so cozy. And I use it more than I'd ever admit and have taken it with me to various places.
Rebecca just doesn't understand.
Was also gifted a Snuggie because of Eli's post. Also will never admit how often I (or my cat) use it. It's a hideous, hideous zigzag pattern. But even with company, I've pulled it out in times of need.
DeleteMy now husband and I started dating because of Eli and snuggies. Well, more acurately, his post mentioning snuggie sutra. I had just read his warning not to look it up (of course I looked it up!) and my then best guy friend caught me looking. It was a wonderfully inappropriate inside joke and it completely changed our relationship. I have Eli to thank for the last year of marital bliss, God bless you Eli!
DeleteI'm laughing too hard to comment.
ReplyDeleteJust cut holes in it and WALA, snuggie!
ReplyDelete