Friend: OH MY GOSH!!! I THINK I HAVE BED BUGS!!
Eli: Don't call me! What if I get them from you!
Friend: You can't get them over the phone. I'm just calling you for moral support.
Eli: Oh. In that case, let me look at everything on the Internets having to do with bed bugs.
Ok. Look. I know I tend to overreact. I know I have a bit of a problem in this area. Let's please set that all aside for a second and allow me to tell you what happened today.
In the middle of the day, I stopped by the gym, like I usually do. I had a normal workout. I did normal things. I took a shower. And then I started changing back into my work clothing. And that's when I saw it.
ONE HUNDRED BILLION BUG BITES ALL OVER AREAS THAT I CAN'T EVEN PHOTOGRAPH FOR YOU TO SEE BECAUSE NSFW!!!
I started freaking out. Panicking. Panicking like you wouldn't even understand. They should create a drug specifically meant for the panic I had today when I saw the bites. They can call it Eliphonene.
SOMEONE CONTACT PFIZER!
I was unbelievably busy today. But I couldn't focus on a thing in the office. So I immediately fast-walked home and began washing everything I owned in boiling water.
BECAUSE!!! BED BUGS!!!
You guys. WHAT IF I HAVE BED BUGS!
I didn't know where I might have obtained them. I was horrified at the thought. And then I remembered that this weekend I went CAMPING in Zion National Park.
Well, ok. It was in a cabin. With A/C. And Wifi.
BUT IT WAS STILL CAMPING.
So I began texting everyone who went to Zion with me. I asked them whether they also have bug bites.
Nic was perhaps the most helpful. (Pardon my excessive typos. I was texting in vigorous terror.)
Last July, I too feared I had bed bugs. I had been living in this awful apartment on the upper west side of Manhattan. I also had no air conditioning which led to severe dehydration and then a heat rash. My solution was to take a shower (opening all of my pores) and then coating my entire body in hydrocortisone, effectively overdosing myself, which then led to me hallucinating that bed bugs were crawling out of my skin.
ReplyDeleteI stood naked in the middle of my apartment for over an hour until my friend and her husband brought non-bed bug infested towels and clothing along with her husband's bed bug sniffing dog. The dog found no bed bugs and what I thought were bed bugs crawling out of my skin turned out to be fuzzies from my fluffy brown towels stuck to my cortisone coated body.
Eli, if you truly suspect bedbugs...you have a problem....A BIG problemo! Do the bites itch? You need to Vacumn your whole apt. Several times a day and especially in the corners. You need to wrap your mattress in plastic and seal it. You need to wash everything in hot hot hot water. You may need to have a pest control company come and treat/evaluate your place. You will survive but......they are HARD to get rid of and you had better conquer the problem immediately because you DO NOT want to be responsible for an entire apartment complex being contaminated with bed bugs!
ReplyDeletePS xoxoxo
ReplyDeleteEli, it's okay. Now, what do the bites look like? Are they normal sized bug bites? If they are, you're fine, they aren't from bed bugs. If they're tiny and in lines, especially on your extremities, then, well, maybe you have a bedbug problem. Probably best to inspect your bed, just to be sure. To help you sleep better at night, I recommend heading to Bed Bath & Beyond and picking up a bedbug mattress protector for your bed, and a pillowcase one as well.
ReplyDeleteIf you do have bedbugs, your dryer will become your new best friend. Throw things in there on high for 30 minutes and it'll kill the bedbugs. For things you can't put in the dryer, a garment steamer is your other new best friend. The heat the steam puts off will kill them just as well.
Maybe it is a rash or bites from sleeping on your office floor.
ReplyDeleteUmmmm. If these bites are mostly in unmentionable places, I need to ask: Crabs? So sorry! The nurse in me came to that conculusion first, and I feel like I should apologize to Cathie for suggesting that her son who hasn't even reached puberty yet might possibly have such a thing.... Cathie, I am so sorry! But, your kid kinda threw it all out there and invited all this speculation. And, posts like this might harm your chances of Grandbabies coming from his direction anytime soon... Oh boy. Now I need to apologize again. I honestly wish I could have a nice cup of tea with you and chat. I wouldn't seem so awful then. Probably he was sleeping in the buff and it was mosquitoes. What age is appropriate for moms to feel like they don't have to talk to their kids about embarassing things anymore??
ReplyDeleteHahahaha.
DeleteWell the bites are on my arms and legs. Maybe we should have a personal WebMD session.
YOU GUYS! MORIAH IS WILLING TO DIAGNOSE YOUR PROBLEMS IF YOU JUST TELL HER EMBARRASSING THINGS ABOUT YOURSELF.
Eli. When you write things like: ALL OVER PLACES I CAN'T EVEN PHOTOGRAPH, BECAUSE NSFW!!!!!! And recieve texts alluding to the problem being with borrowing the underwear of others: We do not at eany point feel directed toward hands and legs.
DeleteThat being said: I cannot believe you ignored the chance to show us all your sculpted arms after all that working out, covered with bites or not!!!! And get a shot of your hair in there as well! I imagine that it held up beautifully under this bug crisis!
Maybe we can blame Leotrix?
Curses! I may have to hire you as my personal decision-maker from now on.
DeleteIf you went "camping" you may have gotten chiggers. Do they have those in Utah? Google says they're all over the world. I got them at camp here in Florida and they were AWFUL. I didn't realize I had them until after I got home and my mom washed all my stuff with their stuff and my parents got them too! Benadryl cream worked the best. Wash everything you own. Or just burn the house down and start all over. Might be easier.
ReplyDeleteJust make sure you evacuate the apartment building before burning it down...
DeleteOops, yes. Forgot that step.
DeleteI'm with you - I think they are chiggers. Nail polish on top of them (clear please) should get rid of them.
DeleteNail polish doesn't do anything since the chiggers don't actually burrow in your skin. That only works for bugs that stick around, as gross as that sounds, not bite you and leave.
DeleteI hate to be the one to validate your irrationality....but if you have bedbugs, there's no guaranteed way to get rid of them, unless you have professionals come in and turn your apartment into a furnace fueled by the fires of hell. Even then, no guarantees.
ReplyDeleteI work for a pest control company, we do handle a lot of bed bug cases here in Utah, but they could be other things as well...bat bugs, carpet beetles, flea bites, mosquito bites, etc. Call a pest control company and have them do a free estimate on your apartment to put your mind at ease.
ReplyDeleteI've lived through bed bugs, and I hope to never have to live through it again. Some tell tale signs they are bed bugs.
ReplyDeleteFirst, the bites. The majority of my bites were on my arms and legs. They looked like large mosquito bites, and itched about 1000x as much. They were usually in lines, about 3 or 4 bites in a row. Oh, and the itching. They itch so bad it's ridiculous.
Second, evidence. My bed bugs lived under the carpets, as well as them crawling around inside my desk and my belongings. (this was in college in my apartment, all roommates had em). Usually they live in the mattress, bed frame, or near by human flesh. Strip the bed and check the mattress and box spring. You may find shedded skin, poop, or eggs (little black dots). I actually found part of the nest under the carpet. You can google what the eggs and what the little buggers look like.
Now, how to deal with this.
We tried a lot of home remedies, like setting up traps on the bed frame (but the bugs can crawl up the wall, on to the ceiling, and DROP on top of you........... how horrible is that???) but that didn't make a difference. We vacuumed every day, washed our sheets in hot water every day, but no luck. Got special mattress covers, but since the next was in the walls and under the carpet, made no difference. The best course of action was finally getting an exterminator and they were able to kill the eggs and any buggers left living.
Me and one other roommate moved out before the exterminator came (the apartment manager was really slow to act, so we left without paying the rest of our rent). We were VERY careful to not bring them to the new apartment, all clothes were put in the dryer or microwave since exposure to heat will kill any eggs. Delicate items or things we couldn't put in the dryer we left in a sealed black trash bag in my roommate's car for a month left out in the hot Utah sun. We also changed outfits before going into the new apartment. Being extra careful meant we didn't track in any eggs, thankfully.
The worst part is the psychological warfare they have. I got no sleep for a month, every time a leg hair would move I thought it was a bug, a drop of sweat, must be a bug. I still get anxious when I find a bug in the house, I don't get much sleep. My new apartment has ear wigs... not fun.
Walked right into that rash joke... Also, your hair looks lovely.
ReplyDeleteThe Starving Inspired
Or maybe they weren't bug bites, but hives from freaking out over the possibility of having bugs. Catch-22.
ReplyDeleteThe only way to get rid of bedbugs is to set your house on fire, shave your head, and walk naked to your new home.
ReplyDeleteDon't forget he also has to play the kazoo the entire time, otherwise the universe will implode.
DeleteSounds like chiggers to me, very common in high grass in some parts of the country. Chiggers and camping are practically interchangeable words in Missouri They're little bugs that like to burrow into your skin. Disgusting, I know. But they usually like to dig in around your underwear waistline. If that's it, you'll itch for a week and then the bites will heal in another week. Google it!
ReplyDeleteSorry folks, but Utah and Idaho are too hot and dry for chiggers. Thank goodness. We have little tiny biting flies not-so-lovingly called "no see ums". Because you don't see them when they use you for their personal all you can eat buffet.
ReplyDeleteIt's probably scabies.
ReplyDelete"Female scabies mites burrow into the skin to lay eggs. When the eggs hatch, the larvae come to the skin surface, begin to molt, and burrow back into the skin to feed."
Everything about this comment/suggestion makes me want to gack. Yup, here it comes...excuse me for a moment.
DeleteSorry. I work in a clinic and this is the number one creepiest things a patient can have that is contagious. We nearly burn down the department anytime someone shows up with them.
DeleteI know we all love Living in Sin Rebecca and Just here for the night Jolyn, but have you opened the McCann Bed and Breakfast again? I only say this because I know they have both been traveling to countries that don't care much for personal hygiene. At first I was thinking there is no way you caught bed bugs camping, but then I remembered you weren't actually camping. Bed bugs could have totally been in that cabin. They can last for weeks and months without human blood and still survive for the perfect buffet. And we all know you are the perfect buffet Eli.
ReplyDeleteYou are correct that streets were forlorn and there was no movement on the streets in ahead of schedule nineteens yet as the time passed and new engineering developed so the requirement for Factory Navigation System emerged and the idea of easy routes spread among the general population.
ReplyDeleteGreat article
ReplyDelete