I've been using Tami for purposes of getting attention since she came into being last week. Sometimes I use her as an excuse.
"Tami really wants you to stop talking now. I would like you to keep going. But Tami isn't as patient as me."
More often than they would like, I even text pictures of Tami to friends to remind them of her existence.
The other day this happened when I texted my childhood best friend:
 |
| He meant "dyed." But apparently he's too lazy to go back and change after using the voice function. WHICH IS WHY WE'RE FRIENDS. |
Then last week, while regaling a friend at work with stories of Tami's life, this conversation happened:
Friend: I'm not even remotely interested in ever seeing your toe again.
Eli: But--
Friend: No. You freak. This is a professional office. Nobody says a word when you hang your gym clothes to dry in the hallway. Nobody complains when you meow loudly from your office--
Eli: IT'S CALLED SINGING--
Friend: LET ME FINISH! And we even refrain from making fun of you when you wear your Snuggie to meetings.
Eli: Sometimes it's cold!
Friend: But for the sake of all that is holy, will you PLEASE put a freaking sock on that disgusting massacre of a foot!?
Eli: But if I can't show my coworkers what Tami looks like, who CAN I show?
Friend: Your doctor.
Eli: What now?
Friend: You can show your doctor.
Eli: Hahahahahahahahahahaha.
Friend: Why are you laughing?
Eli: You say "your doctor" like I have a personal physician. This isn't a small town in 1952. I don't have a personal "doctor."
Friend: You're joking. Right?
Eli: No.
Friend: Where do you go to get a check up?
Eli: Check what now?
Friend: Like, when you need a physical.
Eli: [singing] Let's get physical! Physical! Meow meow meow meow meow--
Friend: Focus! Who do you go see when you're sick?
Eli: Um . . . the toilet?
Friend: When you break a bone?
Eli: Oh! Bob and Cathie!
Friend: When you need an x-ray?
Eli: I just put my arm in one of those thingies at the pharmacy.
Friend: What "thingy" are you talking about?
Eli: You know. The one where the air blows up the balloon and squeezes your arm.
Friend: That's not an x-ray machine. That tells you your blood pressure.
Eli: WELL IT'S BEEN WORKING JUST FINE FOR ME.
Friend: Eli. You're in your 30s now. You need to have a doctor.
Eli: I'm trying to tell you. People don't have a "doctor" anymore. There are just hospitals now and when you need help you just go to the hospital and you get randomly assigned to someone who never thinks I need to be as naked as I think I need to be BUT THEY SURE DON'T BOTHER POSTING SIGNS EXPLAINING THIS--
Friend: People do have a "doctor." I have a doctor. When I need to be seen by a medical professional, I call her office and make an appointment. She knows my history and I trust her.
Eli: Ooooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhh. So it's like a hairstylist, but for your body.
Friend: Um. I guess.
Eli: Or like Cafe Rio but instead of burritos they listen to your heart beat.
Friend: I don't understand why we have to use analogies to explain what a doctor is.
Eli: No thanks.
Friend: No thanks what?
Eli: I don't think I'm interested in having a "doctor." It sounds like a lot of hassle.
Friend: If you go to a doctor, she will listen to you talk about Tami and she may even want to hear about Tami's recent divorce.
Eli: HOW DO I MAKE AN APPOINTMENT!?
~It Just Gets Stranger
Having a doctor can save you tons of money too! ER and Urgent care costs are way higher than a primary care doctor. Think of the things you could buy for Tami with the money you save!
ReplyDeleteYou mean, save money until the doctor gets to know his history and recommends a therapist. That's going to cost a Tami-load of money.
DeleteBut your hair is fabulous, Eli. I'm sure the doctor will notice.
You're right. Stick to the ER, Eli, you don't want the doctor to know your history.
Delete"so it's a hairstylist for your body" - favorite line ever.
ReplyDeleteEli, who feeds you?
ReplyDeleteThe land.
DeleteOh my gosh. I don't know why but I started laughing so hard when you said that you go see the toilet when you're sick that I had to shut my office door.
ReplyDeleteIf this blog didn't exist my mornings would be much sadder.
ReplyDeleteOh Eli. Some days, it amazes me that you can function in society. Even if your hair is as amazing as it is.
ReplyDeleteI just have to ask...How can someone who randomly breaks into song as often as you do, be so hateful toward Glee? Is it because someone else thought of it first? Or that you don't star in it?
ReplyDeleteBecause you totally should star in it. Then we'd all love it.
DeleteI've never had a doctor, for the kids, my husband, or myself. It gets me the same fun, encouraging response from everyone. "YOU GUYS DON'T HAVE A FAMILY PHYSICIAN??? OMG WHERE ARE YOU FROM? SOME AMAZONIAN TRIBE? How do you know if you're sick??" Well, I know if I'm sick because I feel like crap, right? Or...rest, ice, and elevate. We kind of have a rule that if you're not actively bleeding out your ears or have a bone protruding from the skin...YOU'RE PROBABLY FINE STAYING HOME.
ReplyDeleteIt's also been really fun to fill out the school forms all these years where it says: "Family Physician:" and I write in: *nothing*.
So, don't feel bad. I'm wayyyy older than you, and we've managed just fine, plus look at the millions of dollars we've probably saved by not knowing if we need some form of Medical Care.
Could have warned the children about the language...
ReplyDeleteNOT THAT WE KNOW WHAT THAT IS, CATHIE.
DeleteDidn't like the language either.....brings your writing down a notch.
DeleteWhat language are you even talking about?? As far as I know, Glee isn't a bad word yet.....
DeleteEli wasn't even the one using said language.
DeleteYeah we're not actually angry over Sam saying Tami has become a bitch, are we? Oh my...
DeleteDon't be fooled! The doctor who wants to listen to you talk all about Tami's divorce is called a psychiatrist and will probably try to give you one of those jackets that lets you hug yourself. JUST SAY NO!
ReplyDeleteKaren's right! It's a trap! Don't do it!
DeleteA little off topic, but I found this website http://katierunsthis.com/2011/10/04/running-shoe-lacing-techniques/ that explains how to tie your laces to prevent foot issues. One is for blackened toenails. Thought it could be useful (unless, of course, Tami wants a friend...)
ReplyDeleteLove
ReplyDeleteWere you texting with Jared?
ReplyDeleteI wish you'd text me. I'd totally listen to stories about Tami.
Delete