Why quiet kids love naughty characters

Last week, Lesley-Anne and I participated in two events. The first was NLB's Read! Fest on Friday at Bishan library where Lesley-Anne talked about growing her love of reading and writing, and we shared the behind-the-scenes process of getting Danger Dan published. We were surprised and very encouraged by the great turnout, which according to NLB, was quite large for a children's author. 

Even more heartening: two mums had brought their kids to listen to us speak because they said Danger Dan got their sons to love reading. One had even travelled all the way from Simei to Bishan to meet us! To us, that's the ultimate compliment for any author - that our books are not only read and loved, they spark the love of reading. We're so very moved.

The second event was the very next day at the Celebrate Singapore Books fair at Wisma Atria. It was a meet and greet session - we answered questions from the audience and signed autographs.

Again, we were so blessed to meet a few young Danger Dan readers whose parents took the time to bring them down to meet us.

One observation I've made when meeting our fans - the majority of them seem to be very shy and introverted. When I ask them a question, some of them speak in whispers. Sometimes, it takes nudging from their parents before they would ask for autographs. More often than not, it's parents who tell us their child wants to know whether there will be another Danger Dan book. 

You know what? I feel such an affinity with these kids. Some people may find it unusual that quiet kids like Danger Dan because Danny, the protagonist, is so hyperactive and noisy. But to me, that makes perfect sense. As a kid, I was painfully shy and bookish. Raising my hand to ask a question in class was as terrifying as jumping off a cliff. Yet one of my favourite series was the Nicholas books which feature a clueless, active and mischievous boy. The character couldn't be more different from me.

But what some adults don't understand is that Nicholas was appealing to me precisely because he was so different. Fiction is a gateway into a fantasy world for kids to live a different persona. Why would I want to read a book about a mousy little girl? I was already leading that life! How much more exciting it was to read about this kid who always got into trouble and said the silliest things. Plus the books are hilarious and great fun to read.

When Lesley-Anne and I conducted a primary school reading workshop under the ASCD last year, the class had a quite a few kids whose hands were perpetually up, asked 101 questions and talked non-stop. Funnily enough though, at the end of the session when we called out the names of the students who had come up with the most creative and vibrant ideas (they had drawn costumes and time-travel concepts before the session), we discovered that the winning drawings weren't from any of the chatterboxes but the quiet kids sitting in the corner with nary a peep. Still waters run deep.

Lesley-Anne and I understand this perfectly because we're both introverts. Just because we don't open our mouths doesn't mean nothing is happening in our heads. On the contrary, there could be a whole fantastical imaginary world in there just waiting to explode! (We're the perfect case in point: two introverted females writing about a loud-mouthed, excitable boy.) So if you have introvert kids, don't assume they are thinking ordinary, boring thoughts. Give them an outlet, a trigger for the imagination and be prepared to see their creativity soar.

Same thing with reading: sure, it's nice to read about characters that you can identify with but don't assume that because your child is quiet, he or she would only be interested in serious characters or books.

When Lesley-Anne and I conduct school talks, it's sometimes hard to tell if we're making any impact at all, especially if the audience isn't very responsive. But we'd like to believe that sitting quietly in the school hall is a student who is encouraged by what we share and lives vicariously through Danger Dan. I imagine the kid snuggled on a comfortable cushion at home, chuckling to himself or herself while reading about Danny's silly antics. And that makes us very happy indeed.

Improving relationships with MBTI

On the internet, it's common to find all kinds of quick tests that assess your personality type. What colour are you? What occupation should you have? What Harry Potter character are you? And so on. Most of these are for fun and a little hokey because we all know that there is more to someone's personality than can be prescribed by just answering a few simple questions.

However, I've always felt that there is some merit to understanding your family members' personalities for pragmatic purposes. Knowing what makes them tick, what they need, the circumstances under which they function best, etc, can be helpful in growing an appreciation of each other and reducing conflicts.

By far, the most comprehensive personality test out there is the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator. Some people find this doesn't work for them as their personality might not fall anywhere within the 16 types but for our family, it's pretty accurate.

The MBTI test is not free but you can try a very similar one here. Kenneth, Lesley-Anne and I tried it and we got the same results as when we did the MBTI previously. When kids are too young, their personality might still be forming so it's better to take the test when they're older. Andre only took the test about a year ago and his results surprised me a little. I always thought he was an ENFP but it turns out he's an ESFJ. This means he's caring, social and popular (think cheerleader!) but needs structure and certainty (it explains why every time I ask him to try something new, he will get anxious and bombard me with all sorts of "what if" questions).

Knowing personality types can be very helpful for parenting and learning how best to respond to our kids. Eg Kenneth, the ESTJ, focuses on discipline and structure while I, the INTP, focuses on knowledge. So together, we provide a good deal of physical and intellectual support. Unfortunately, since Kenneth and I are both T on the Thinking-Feeling scale, we tend to overlook emotional support and the double whammy is that both our kids are Fs (Lesley-Anne is an INFP), meaning this is precisely what they need! When our kids encounter a setback, Kenneth is likely to lecture and I tend to lead them through where they went wrong. But what they actually crave is emotional support and comfort. Understanding this, we now consciously try to offer this when they're feeling discouraged (even though it's quite counter-intuitive to us).

The knowledge can also allow for more effective assignment of tasks. Hypothetically if we're going on a holiday and we want to divvy up the tasks as such:

1) Logistics: transport and hotel arrangements, planning meals, getting tickets etc
2) Knowledge: do research on the historical and cultural background of the places we visit, significance of attractions, etc
3) Social: mingling with the locals, talking and spending time with them to understand how they live
4) Journaling: creating a visual and written record of photos, pictures and blog of the trip

Based on our personality types, the ideal assignment would be:

Logistics: Kenneth (Administrator extraordinaire)
Knowledge: Me ("There's always an opportunity for learning!")
Social: Andre (Mr Personality)
Journaling: Lesley-Anne (Inspired by beauty everywhere)

The nightmare version of this would be:

Logistics: Me ("Is the train leaving in 15 or 50 minutes?")
Knowledge: Andre ("Leaning Tower of Pisa...pizza...I wonder if there's anything to eat...")
Social: Lesley-Anne ("Just say hello...*10 minutes later*... just say hello...")
Journaling: Kenneth ("I think I'll just stick a smiley face after every picture.")

As mentioned, not everyone finds that MBTI works for them but it does for us. If you can find a type that describes you very well, the MBTI can be useful in many ways, such as pointing the way to career types and understanding the way you learn. Do know though, then over time, one's personality can also change slightly so you shouldn't let it define you.

Even if you don't take it too seriously, it's fun checking out the many MBTI charts out there to find out which Star Wars character you are, which Disney character you are and so on. Here's a funny one on prayer - spot on for me!  

Forget me not

I love the start of a new school year. It's always so full of hope and symbolises fresh beginnings: Since my kid is one year older, surely he will be wiser, pay more attention in class and score better grades in exams! This is the year he will transform into an A student! I just know it.

Lesley-Anne once told me that our minds tend to play tricks on us by brushing our bad memories with a rose-coloured tint. It's a defence mechanism to help us cope and protect us from re-living emotional trauma. Which is all well and good but I also believe it makes us slightly deluded.

When Andre was in primary school, one of the things about him that used to drive me bananas was his seeming inability to listen, a close second only to his memory which had more holes than a gopher colony's network. For instance, in p4, there was a question he had answered incorrectly in his science paper: "Plants photosynthesise in the daytime and respire at night". I told him that plants respired all the time, not just at night. I then diligently went through the lesson with him to make sure he understood it.

The next term, barely three months later, he came home with another science paper and I saw to my chagrin that in response to a similar question, he'd again written: "Plants respire only at night."

Me *exasperated*: "I already told you! Plants respire in the day AND at night!"

Andre: "Hah? They do? You never told me that!"

Me *staring at him in disbelief*: "We went through the lesson! Weren't you listening??"

Andre gave me an indignant look as if to say I was dreaming the whole thing up. So we went through the lesson once again. "You understand it now? Plants don't just respire at night, they respire all the time." He nodded.

A year later in p5, you wouldn't believe it but he got exactly the same question wrong AGAIN. The sentence that had come to plague me in my nightmares: "Plants respire at night." OMG! I blew my top. "What's wrong with you? Are you trying to kill me??"

He looked at me blankly. "Hah? Plants don't respire at night?"

Sometimes I wonder if aliens abduct my son at night and replace him with a look-alike model.

Trying to teach Andre anything was always frustrating because even if I'd succeeded in getting him to understand something, I knew there was a good chance he would have no recollection of it later. Yet every start of the school year, I would have this inexplicable hope that he would miraculously grow a beautiful mind overnight.

Now that he's in secondary school, the situation has improved somewhat but he still has a problem with listening. Whenever he tells me the teacher didn't say this or the other, my instinctive scepticism always surfaces. "She didn't say it or you didn't hear it?" Which if you think about it, is kinda a pointless question because if he didn't hear it, he certainly wouldn't know if she had said it.

Then of course, there's the "hear half the instructions" syndrome. If I'm at a mall and tell Andre to "go to BreadTalk and tell Daddy I'll be there in 15 minutes", he would hear only "go to BreadTalk." Then he'll call me five minutes later and ask, "I'm at BreadTalk. Where are you?"

A couple of weeks ago, Lesley-Anne was complaining how tired she was.

Lesley-Anne: "I'm sleepy and grumpy."

Me *teasing*: "So those are the two dwarfs you identify with?"

Lesley-Anne: "Yup. And in the morning, Sneezy."

Me: "Which one are you, Andre?"

Andre: "Me? I'm Blur."

Lesley-Anne: "Blur?? That's not a dwarf!"

Andre: "Huh? What dwarf?"

Me: "Never mind. I think Blur is right."

But that was 2014. It's a New Year. Surely this year, Andre will make the transformation. I can feel it in my bones. 

More about introverts

This post is sort of a part 2 to the previous post.  The latter was too long so I decided to split it into two posts.

Some of my friends have told me that I sound forceful and forthcoming online, which seems surprising as I'm an introvert. I think that's part of the misconception of introverts, that we're quiet and docile, even in our outlook on life.

Being an introvert doesn't mean we don't have strong views. It just means we don't like to express these views in a room, in a loud voice, to a large audience.  In this sense, social media has given introverts a channel to express their opinions from their private space without the brash confrontation that is normally expected in a social setting. In other words, social media has given introverts a voice.

I can't tell you how many times I've been surprised when I meet people I've only corresponded with online, who debate topics intelligently and voraciously, only to find them quiet and mild-mannered in real life. 

In Susan Cain's video, she mentioned Dr Seuss who wrote all those fabulously tongue-in-cheek, over the top children's books.  He's a shy person in real life and didn't want to meet his fans because he was afraid they would be disappointed to see that he wasn't as charismatic as the Cat in the Hat.  Jack Nicholson's character in the show "As Good As It Gets", was a writer of popular, swash-buckling romance novels but in reality, he was a crotchety, old man with a bad case of OCD.

However, I hasten to condemn introverts to be stuck behind their pens and computers because that's a pretty limiting concept. As an introvert, I detest public speaking but as Susan Cain proves, this can be changed.  Lesley-Anne used to be extremely uncomfortable with presentations but since they do so much of it in school, she's more more at ease doing it now. Like with most things, it just takes practice.  I don't expect it ever to be the preferred activity of introverts but at least it can become one which doesn't paralyse you. 

Finally, here's a funny but very apt cartoon description of introverts.  Introverts are not unsociable folks but any prolonged social interaction can sap our energy. When I'm around an extrovert who can't stop talking for too long (especially a loud one), I often find myself getting increasingly irritable, physically exhausted and feeling like I need to crawl into bed and go into "recharge battery" mode.

It's not that introverts are social hermits, we just prefer more private and intimate gatherings.  I love going out with close friends, having a long catch up over a cup of coffee.  Kenneth, an extrovert, enjoys going to corporate events where he can meet new people, widen his social circle and chat with every Tom, Dick and Harry.  For me, making small talk among strangers is incredibly boring and more work than fun.  That's the part about being a PR practitioner that I hated most.   

So if you're an extrovert, that's something to take note of, especially if you have an introvert spouse or kids.  Be nice to your introverts today!

The power of introverts

I am an introvert.

Today, I embrace this but for a long time in my life, I've felt that it was a shortcoming. I was always envious of extroverts like Kenneth who can take the stand, speak off the cuff and command the crowd without going into brain freeze or feeling like they're gonna throw up.  If I am booked (reluctantly) for a public speaking event, I have sleepless nights and count the days till it's over.

An introvert friend of mine who's super bright, shared with me that in school, she would almost never raise her hand even though she knew the answers. She would fight an excruciating internal battle just to have the courage to volunteer information, by which time, some other less inhibited classmate would have beaten her to it, causing her to berate herself for her inaction.

I empathise completely.  When I was in sec 3, I was picked by the teacher to represent the class in a vocabulary competition. I turned it down because it was to take place in the hall in front of the entire school. Horrors. When the event took place, I was safely in the audience, quietly giving all the correct answers in my head, with mixed feelings.

It was therefore such an enlightenment to me when someone sent me a TED video last year featuring Susan Cain.  She had written a book "Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking" and the video addresses the same topic.  It basically talks about the importance of introversion and how we should recognise its value instead of fighting it.  Do watch it, it's eye-opening.

Sharing her own story, Cain got the message growing up that somehow her introverted style of being was not ideal, so much so that she even became a Wall Street lawyer instead of a writer because she wanted to prove that she could pass off as an extrovert.

At work, introverts are routinely passed over for leadership positions even though they may actually be smarter and more likely to deliver better outcomes because they listen to other ideas more readily instead of "putting their own stamp on things".  We hear it all the time - Asians systematically lag behind their American counterparts in climbing the corporate ladder because the former prefer to work quietly behind the scenes (except perhaps for the more vocal Indians), while the latter, among the most extroverted personalities in the world, impress with their presentation skills.  In school, emphasis is now placed more on presentations and group projects instead of individual work - again the bias towards extroversion.

Cain goes on to explain how the world may be losing out simply because this bias causes us to suppress introversion which is critical to creativity.  She's not advocating that we all become introverts or that introverts are superior, rather that it's important to have a balance where we can come together to exchange ideas while still retaining the space and time for solitude and reflection.

Cain's message resonated strongly with me. In my corporate life, I accidentally ended up in public relations and marketing which often conjures up a gregarious, outgoing person, something I am not.  Where other PR personnel might attend social functions, meet as many people as possible and make their presence felt, I shied away from such events and preferred to take the personal approach, fostering deeper relations with each person. To me, the best compliment I ever received from a journalist was that I was "real".

However, when I was working at a polytechnic, my boss told me, "you seem to be rather introverted for a PR Manager".  He might as well have substituted the word "ineffective"  for "introverted" because that's what was implied.  I resented somewhat that my personality trait could predicate how well I did the job but a niggling part of me thought that maybe he was right, that I was inferior because I wasn't an extrovert. Not surprisingly, I left soon after.

Compare this with another boss - the one I had at the SSO - who being an extrovert, didn't comprehend my fears but accepted it as just a quirk that could be overlooked in light of my other qualities. In fact, she cleverly managed this to her advantage. She would undertake all the public speaking engagements if I would do everything else. I happily accepted. Win-win.

Why am I sharing all this?

Because as parents, I feel we're often guilty of the same bias towards extroversion, to our own detriment.  I used to keep telling Lesley-Anne, an introvert, to "speak up" and volunteer more for leadership positions. While I believe it's more than ok to nudge our kids out of their comfort zone, at some point, I realise that I was merely projecting my own wishes for her not to be an introverted as I am.  The danger with this is that our kids start to think that their introversion is a deficiency and try to force themselves into the extroversion mold instead of making the most of their introversion gifts.

It takes a good balance, as mentioned by Cain. I still want Lesley-Anne to step up but I also acknowledge that there is more than one way to be a leader.  Instead of say, trying out for student counsellor (which thrusts one into the limelight), she signed up for a community service stint to give tuition to needy kids.

Encouraging our kids to embrace the leadership style most fitting with their personality traits is by far, the most constructive way to go and leads to a healthier self-esteem because it plays to their strengths.  Ultimately, as Cain puts it, the world wins.   

The Marshmallow Experiment

In the 1960s, the now classic "Marshmallow Experiment" was conducted by Walter Mischel at Stanford University. Some four-year-olds were given one marshmallow and promised a second one if they waited twenty minutes before eating the first one. As expected, some children were able to wait and others could not.

What happened next was interesting. The researchers followed the progress of each child into adolescence and discovered that those who waited were assessed to be better adjusted and more dependable according to their parents and teachers. Even more revealing was the fact that these kids eventually scored significantly higher on the SATs years later.

It's no surprise to me that individuals who are willing to put in the effort before seeing rewards are more sensible and perform better in school. What surprised me was that this personality trait could be pre-determined as early as four years old.

Just out of curiosity, I decided to ask Andre what he would do in the marshmallow situation. I didn't bother to ask Lesley-Anne as I knew what the answer would be - she's the queen of delayed gratification. 先苦后甜 is the adage she lives by.

Me: So would you eat the marshmallow or wait to have two?

Andre: But I don't like marshmallows.

Me: Ok, let's say it's something you like to eat.

Andre: I won't eat it, maybe it has poison.

Me: Gnnnnggghhhh, imagine it's not something to eat but something you really like! Say country erasers.

Andre (perking up): Is it Saudi Arabia?

Me: Whatever! So will you take it first?

Andre: I'll wait until the man gives up.

Me: You're not answering my question! Will you take it or wait for another one?

Andre: I'll snatch both and run away.


I think there needs to be another category for suspicious kids.

Imagine if you were a cartoon character...

Since it is the one week school holidays afterall (or what's left of it), here's a post on games.

There's a terrific board game that we love to play with family and friends called Imaginiff. A friend helped us buy this from US, it's not available in Singapore, except maybe from specialty stores.

This is how you play: A set of names is chosen, usually of all the players and friends that don't even have to be present. At each turn, a name is chosen as the subject. You pick a card which has six possible answers, for example, "Imaginiff _____ were a musical instrument. What would he/she be? (1) Triangle (2) Bagpipes (3) Electric Guitar (4) Saxophone (5) Violin (6) Organ. Which would he/she be?". Insert the subject's name. Each player picks an answer and those who have picked the most popular answer get to move forward.

This is a hilarious social game especially if you are the subject because you get to see what everyone thinks of you (and it often doesn't match what you think of yourself!) Some of the questions are downright wacky, like "Imaginiff _______ were a body part" or "Imaginiff ______ were a cartoon character". Once, we had Andre as the subject and the question was, "Imaginiff Andre were a car part. (1) Steering wheel (2) Accelerator (3) Brake (4) Horn (5) Engine (6) Reverse signal. Which would he be?" Andre picked Accelerator, the rest of us chose Horn. Meaning he sees himself as quick, whereas everyone else saw him as loud. When we play this with my sister, she often wins, which indicates that she's the most socially astute among us.

This game usually results in plenty of laughs (and protests!) and often leads to side discussions that are rather enlightening. When asked what type of dog breed my kids are, I said Lesley-Anne was a spaniel ie dainty and sweet (left pic) and Andre was a Jack Russell terrier ie hyper and mischievous (right).










This game is very versatile, Andre could successfully play this at age 7 although some of the cards might be too difficult for young kids to understand. The game is also skewed towards American culture which may be lost on Asians. No biggie, we just take another card. If you're looking for a great board game that is fun, easy to learn, non-competitive (winning isn't the main objective) and socially meaningful, this is it. It gets a 5-star recommendation from me.

Birth order and personality

I’ve always been fascinated by the issue of birth order and personality. I’m a first born and in school, many of my friends were first borns. We shared many characteristics, like conscientiousness in studies. A favourite conversational topic among us was griping about our younger siblings, how they never had the pressure to do so well in school and always seemed to get away with murder.

Later on, I read an article on the effect of birth order and personalities and it supported everything I’d experienced. Basically, research has repeatedly shown that your birth order does have a significant impact on your personality type. Here’s a summary:

First born children
Traits: Tends to be logical, reliable, ambitious, conventional and scholarly. Likely to be perfectionists, have strong powers of concentration and crave approval.

Weaknesses: Afraid of being dethroned, tends to be selfish and feels that they are never good enough.

Last born children
Traits: Tends to be creative, affectionate, experimental, outgoing and sociable. Usually risk-takers and idealists with a strong sense of humour, most likely to challenge the status quo.

Weaknesses: Can be capricious, immature, manipulative and dislikes commitment.

Middle born children

Traits: Tends to be flexible, diplomatic and get along well with others. Usually the peacemakers, although can be attention-seeking.

Weaknesses: Hates confrontation, can be stubborn, suspicious and rebellious. Does not work well with strict rules.

The only child tends to assume the traits of first born children. Children of multiple births, interestingly enough, although they are all born within minutes of each other, tend to have a similar hierarchy with one child assuming the role of the first born, another the last born and so on.

Isn’t it fascinating? These traits describe my sister and me to a tee, as well as Lesley-Anne and Andre. Michael Grose says it best in the title of his book “Why First Borns Rule the World and Last Borns Want to Change It.” I think that sums it up in a nutshell!

What intrigued me the most was that personality is largely inborn, yet it can be influenced so greatly by something as seemingly random as birth order. Did you know that the IQ of first borns is on average 3 points higher than their younger siblings? So is it nature or nurture? According to researcher Romeo (1994), “The influence of the family constellation is so strong that the lifestyles of the youngest children of two different families are more similar than those of the youngest and middle child of the same family.”

First borns get the most attention as they are the sole recipient of care and attention for a while. But with only adults for role models, first borns feel the pressure to be responsible and to live up to the high expectations of parents. They receive the most work and discipline.

The middle child is the one squeezed in the middle, so they often feel left out. They don’t enjoy privileges associated with being the eldest or the youngest, and see life as unfair.

The last borns are often treated as the “baby” in the family, so they are pampered the most and often viewed as less capable, so less is demanded of them.

Of course these are just generalisations. Even if they hold true for 90% of the world’s population, there will still be 10% who find they don’t fit into the mold. That’s the beauty of the uniqueness of human beings and families. There are so many variables that can change the way a child’s personality is shaped, including the number of years between the birth of each child, family size, marital status of the parent, and of course, parenting style.

Michael Grose believes that your birth order personality affects your working style and how you relate to others, so knowing your personality and your child’s can help you be a more effective parent. I would take this with a pinch of salt as I feel that your personality is shaped not just by birth order but other factors. I previously wrote about using the Myers-Briggs Type Personality to find out your parenting style – I think this is more helpful.

But just for fun, I found this online quiz which determines your birth order personality type. Based on your answers, it gives you your personality type which may or may not match your actual birth order. I took the quiz and no surprises, I’m a first born!

Bringing up cat and dog

I've often wondered how two kids spawned from the same two parents can be so different. The only similarity between Lesley-Anne and Andre is their physical appearance. When they were younger, before Lesley-Anne went on a growth spurt, I would often get comments that brother and sister looked so alike, down to their smiles and pointy chins.

Here is a studio shot we took of them back in 2006.

In character, Lesley-Anne and Andre are polar opposites. After I attended the parenting workshop using the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (you can read my previous post here), I tried to do the test for both my kids. It would be noble of me to say I wanted to check their personality types so that I can tweak my style to bring out the best in them, but in truth, I was just being kaypoh lah.

Lesley-Anne is an INFP (confirmed by her assessment of learning styles done in school). That means she is:

Idealistic, loyal to her values and to people who are important to her. Cares about learning, ideas, language and independent ideas of her own. Tends to undertake too much then somehow gets it done. Friendly, but often too absorbed in what she is doing to be sociable. Seeks to understand people and to help them fulfill their potential.

One liner: Still waters run deep

Surprisingly enough, when I did the assessment for Andre, I found that he is an ENFP, which means he only differs from Lesley-Anne on the Extraversion-Introversion scale. As an ENFP, he is:

Warmly enthusiastic, high-spirited and imaginative. Sees life as full of possibilities. Able to do almost anything that interests him. Wants a lot of affirmation from others, and readily gives appreciation and support. Spontaneous and flexible, often relies on his ability to improvise instead of preparing in advance. Can usually find compelling reasons for whatever he wants.

One liner: Anything's possible

Apparently, both care a lot about what other people think but they try to get affirmation in different ways. Lesley-Anne through achievement and Andre through affection. Lesley-Anne doesn't only have the goods academically, she is motivated and has excelled in most of the activities she's taken on - ballet, piano, taekwondo and swimming. Yet despite all her achievements, she's still sometimes insecure, always looking for approval and very sensitive to criticism. Always very proper and poised, and with high EQ (but also a ferocious temper, which her brother doesn't appreciate!)

Andre, on the other hand, is Mr Personality, spontaneity incarnate. He showers his family with hugs and kisses, and his priority in school is making friends. He has been punished so many times for talking in class that I've lost count (eventually, his teacher made him sit by himself). He'll use his own money to buy food for others, he lends books to his friends that he himself has not yet read. He loves being in the centre of attention and will happily ham it up for the camera.

As a classic example of how different the two kids are: when we bring them out for fish and chips, Lesley-Anne the planner and thinker will eat all her salad first, then leave the best parts (fish and chips) for last. Andre the instant gratifier will gobble up the fish and especially the chips, then dwaddle over the salad and try to convince us he's too full to eat it.

The different personalities of course mean that fights around the house are commonplace. The two just cannot get along (what to do when one is aged 11 going on 25 and the other is 7 going on 6??) They would fight over anything, really anything. When they were younger, it was over things like who got to press the lift button, who got to use the bathroom first, who got to hold my right hand (I know! I have 2 hands, right??)

I recall after another meaningless round of bickering, I said in exasperation: "You two are like a cat and a dog!"

Andre: "Who's the dog?"
Lesley-Anne: "I want to be the dog."
Andre: "HAHHH, no fair! I want to be the doooooog!!!"
Lesley-Anne: "Ok, then I'm the cat and I will SCRATCH you!!"
Andre: "MUUMMMMYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!"

Here is a picture of one of the very rare occasions of sibling reconciliation, Lesley-Anne was actually feeding Andre some ice-cream. (Kenneth had to take the picture, he couldn't believe his eyes).

I think all parents know bringing up kids with different personalities is a real challenge, but it's also an adventure. I hope you're enjoying yours!

What's your parenting style?

I mentioned the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator in the last post as an assessment of learning styles in GEP. This basically a personality test except it's not so basic. Measured on four dichotomies (or scales), it places you in one of 16 different personality types. Everyone I know who has done the test has found it to be highly accurate. Knowing what "type" you are is very useful in many areas but the reason I'm writing a post on it is because it can be extremely helpful for parents.

Not every parent is the same, just as not every child is the same. There is no one "right" way to be an effective parent. If you understand your personality type and your child's type, you can see better how to use your strengths to cater to your child's strengths. It is definitely more productive and constructive than trying to change your personality traits or your child's!

In essence, the four dichotomies are:

Extraversion (E) vs Introversion (I)Sensing (S) vs Intuition (N)Thinking (T) vs Feeling (F)
Judging (J) vs Perceiving (P)
In each dichotomy, one letter describes you more than the other, so eventually, your personality consists of 4 letters, eg. ENTJ. 16 possibilities altogether. I did the test at a church parenting workshop and I am an INTP. What this means is I'm classified as a:

The love-of-learning mother (INTP)Intellectually curious and patient, the INTP mom relishes learning things together with her kids. Whether they're at the zoo or a store, she answers their "whys" with in-depth responses. She is objective and introspective. She listens to their questions and ideas as she would those of a peer, fostering self-esteem. Open and non-directive, she allows kids the freedom to do for themselves and quietly encourages them to believe they can. Her highest priorities for her children are independence, autonomy and intellectual development. An avid reader, she naturally imparts an appreciation and love of reading.
For the most part, this is very true. I tend to subconsciously turn everything into a learning activity. My kids were watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon on tv one day and Tom was playing a piece of music on the piano. I said, "Do you know the name of that music? It's the Blue Danube, it's a very popular waltz by Johann Strauss." And Lesley-Anne went "Mummy! We're just watching tv."

In the full personality test, it contains a much longer list of characteristics. For me, it says I value intellect, and I'm a problem-solver, I love puzzles. When Kenneth first saw my characteristics list, he exclaimed "Unbelievable!" That's because he knows I commonly stay up till 2am in the morning doing logic puzzles, something he considers really eccentric (I subscribe to Dell magazines to get my fix). Haven't you noticed that my blog so far tends to feature some learning element?

Kenneth on the other hand, is an ESTJ, which means he is a terrific administrator, always planning and organised, comfortable with well-defined boundaries and consistent routines. It explains why he is such an impatient and harsh teacher to our kids (they don't learn according to his scheduling!) Ask any of my kids and they'll rather learn from me than him any day. But since we now know our traits, I leave the administrative tasks to him, like keeping track of and paying the fees, noting down the different activities and timings the kids are scheduled for in the week, etc. Things which I never remember and are so mundane to me.

It also helps to know your child's learning style. At the parenting workshop, I learnt that clashes occur most when parent and child are very different personality types. Eg. if your child is I (Introversion), he needs time to reflect on what he has just heard or learnt. If you are an E (Extraversion), you learn by talking things out and may wrongly read your child's silence as non-understanding. While you keep explaining, your child is probably getting increasingly frustrated by the onslaught of information! What you then need to do is to give him time to be by himself and digest the information.

Lesley-Anne is a P (Perceiving) learner, which means she tends to be easily distracted and wait till the last minute to do her work. The problem is, I am also a P, which means I'm the worst possible person to help her plan (I can't tell you how many times we've scrambled about like mad hamsters the day before her project is due, with me shouting "why didn't you do this earlier??") So now, she tells her dad her deadlines and he, the efficient administrator, will plan the schedule and ensure she keeps to it. Well, at least that's the plan, it doesn't always happen. But at least we have a plan, right?

The Myers-Briggs test is not free, you have to pay to do it which is a very comprehensive series of questions. But you can find a good explanation and summary of the 16 types on the official site here. I also found an article which translates the Myers-Briggs into mothering styles, you can check out which one you fall under.