Curses!...

Curse this wretched feeling of guilt! I'm going to hold true to my original goal. 14 days of no sugar.

*Great Scott! This is going to be a rough weekend.

Want Some Sugar...Sugar!?

Today is day... 11!!! of no sugar. Whew, and what a struggle it has been! I've noticed that I tend to crave my treats in the evening. I'm not sure if it's related to boredom or habit but it is quite the struggle. When I wake up in the morning I feel refreshed though, and that is what makes this worth it for me.

Now I'm coming up on a dilemma. Josh and our family are driving the four hours to visit my family. It's tax season you see... and who else to get help from then from your parents! My dad is an accountant for the government so he helps us file every year. The dilemma I'm coming across is that my mom is an AMAZING German cook! My mouth is watering right now just imagining some of her didily-scrumptious meals right now. German pancakes- warm my soul. Apfle Kuchen- break my heart. Deutsch pastries- shatter my entire being. THIS IS GOING TO BE A STRUGGLE.

So, I need some advice. I called Rachel and talked it over with her a little bit. She's the one who has been holding me accountable for my end of the contract and I felt I at least owed her a phone call. If my mom makes me a treat, or makes my most favorite meal in the World I can't be expected to turn it down, right?

Well... the truth is I called my mom and told her about my "deal" and she understands. Rachel also said that the point of the contract was to help me get my crazy addiction under control... which I admit has worked for now. It's a struggle that I will fight my entire life and as long as I know I can control it then I'm in-charge. She said that it's okay if I have a treat- as in ONE treat this weekend and I'll be fine. The reward for waiting 14 days with out sugar would be decadent cream puffs at the Asian market. If I have something this weekend, then I have to wait another week before I get my uber yummy cream puffs. And then I'm allowed one treat every week.

What do you think? Should I hold out until Tuesday and have the cream puffs... or enjoy this weekend and worry about it in another week?

Who would have ever thought I'd be having an inner battle over german pancakes? Huh.

AND THE WINNER IS!...

The wonderful winner of the "BROKEN NICHOLE" contest is... Shin splints. Also a pulled calf muscle. Oh- AND?! Yes, there is more. A pulled left hip flexor.

Great Scott. You'd think I jumped off a bridge or something.

The remedy thus far fallows as such:

No running or any hard workouts for several weeks
Lots of ice and IB Profein
Mucho amount of stretching...
and the most dreaded? Three weeks of physical therapy.

If I'm not "better" by then then I go in for an MRI on my hip.

But let us not be discouraged. I still have every intention of fullfilling each and every one of my goals. It just may take a little longer to get down that road- a little hobbling... some grunting... and a lot of "feel sorry for me's" and I will make it.

Here's to finally knowing! ... :)

A Pain in my Shin...

Remember how several posts and a week and a half ago I fell playing basketball? I hurt my groin and in turn had some rubber band action with my right calf/ tendons? Well I think this may have either brought an underlying issue to a head (shin splints), or I really pulled something in there.

*ARGH!!!*

Could this really have happened when I have so much of myself riding on the hope I can compete in my first triathlon in May?

Okay- I'm probably being a tad dramatic right now, especially since I still have about 4 months left but soft tissue injuries are a BEAR to heal. I also need to train hard as often as I can from now until then. I'm a big girl with a need for some serious endurance training. Will two months be enough to make me comfortable enough to swim, bike, and run for three (or more) hours? I sure hope so.

They say nothing holds someone back more then themselves. Well, I may have held myself back unintentionally.

Now I need to stay optimistic and hope this problem will clear up on its own. If I can't do a triathlon until the middle of the season then fine. That will have to be enough to suffice my need for this. The most important point about going down this competitive road is to help me get fit and lose weight. I will succeed. :/ I hope. ;)

Now to more exciting news... today is day 7 of no sugar! The last day of my first week! Yay me! I lost 1 pound and feel super great. I've been sitting at 237 for MONTHS and finally can jump (or limp) for joy at seeing 236.

It's been a rough one... but my leg and I? We'll get through it... together.

xoxo Nikki!

ps. I'm going in to see the doctor today at 4 pm. We shall see what the prognosis is! :)

The Infamous Purse ...

Do you know what "purse" I am referring to? Well let me give you a hint. It's not the bag us young ladies enjoy carrying all of our change and receipts in. It's something a little more... disturbing.

Some may even know it by the name- apron.

Have you figured it out?

Yes? No?... It is the infamous nasty saggy belly that all postpartum mothers get after giving birth to their miracles. It is the stretched out flabby stomach that every person experiences after they lose a ton of weight. It is something that should ALWAYS stay hidden. haha! :)

Today I had an experience with my lose skin/ purse. It was a mortifying moment in my life this morning that left me flushed with shame and shaky with humiliation. While playing basketball my pants fell part way down... and out... came... the... PURSE!!!

I was running down the court to my offensive position as a post. Panting for air and trying to make sure I get there quickly I dodged #30 from the opposing team. As I got to the key I slowed down and just as I was turning around, while lifting my hands in the air I felt a ... breeze.

Oh no.

Only someone who has lost their pants before knows how that feels and it is not a pleasant or happy moment.

Panicked I lowered my arms quickly and grabbed for my pants just as I noticed my shirt was up a bit as well.

"WHAT AM I? NAKED???" I frantically thought to myself as I hucked my pants up to my chin. Re-adjusting my jersey I began to shake and looked around like a trapped dog searching for a way out.

No one is looking.

By now both teams are up in the key jumping around like a group of teenagers dancing in a mosh pit. The ball seems to be bouncing up and down in the air like a beach ball at graduation. I forget my misery and with a grunt jump up to catch a rebound.

Now... there are two points that I'd like everyone to take home today from this story.

1.) I was mortified and wanted to crawl out of the gym and die. But! I didn't. I moved on.
2.) When I got home I went STRAIGHT to the bathroom and lifted my shirt to exam my nasty belly. What did everyone get a nice good look at today?

And pleasantly surprised I noticed this... MY SKIN HAS FINALLY TIGHTENED UP.

How have I not noticed this before?

No longer does my belly hang over my pelvis. No longer can I grab hand fulls of it and pretend to think it's funny when inside I'm sobbing in disgust.

Now don't get me wrong- I have a LONG way to go before I want anyone to see this belly, and even then it'll remain a mystery for all those around me. I still have a lot of toning to do, and my skin has lots of room for improvement in the un-stretching department but I SEE and FEEL a difference.

WHAT I'M DOING IS FINALLY WORKING!!!

My body is morphing into a body that I can recognize under the fat and skin. :) This gives me the motivation to keep going, and the inspiration to let you all know that YOU CAN DO IT TOO.

LOVE NIKKI!!!!
ps. Today is day 5 of NO sugar!- AND! The picture is one of embarrassment... not tears. ;)

Twitching...

Today was the first complete day of NO SUGAR for me... and I have to tell you that I AM TWITCHING. Seriously though I am ready to fly off the handle. I feel as if I'm starving. Is that wierd or what? I have the worst case of the munchies (sugar deprivation induced) and can not get chocolate cookies out of my mind.

This is hell. Just saying.

I have never eaten so many clementines in my life.

My aunt mentioned I need to find a new outlet for me to put all my stressed energy into. Yes! I really really do. I think though, that perhaps writing is that for me. I've been working on sewing my very first home-sewn pajama bottoms and that helped yesterday.

Today though? NOTHING IS HELPING. I went on a three hour walk earlier today to suck up some Vitamin "D" and that helped get my mind off of food at the time. Now that I'm home, and my hips are uber sore... I just want me some comfort food.

Don't worry though. I won't cave in to these horrible human responses. Why? Because I'm not human. I am amazing. :) HAHA! Really though, it's because I want this feeling to BE GONE.

I want to be free of this food induced prison.

Hopefully tomorrow will be ... different. Hopefully I won't be "twitchy". ;)

Love Nichole

The Signed Contract...

So I know many people are working hard at their new year "resolutions" and most have decided to be done with sugar. I congratulate all of you who have found that it is harder than it appears, yet still have kept at it.

Today my best friend made me sign a contract. Now this isn't an every day kind of contract. It isn't even a "no sugar" contract. It's more of a way to hold me accountable for all the binge eating I appear to have been doing since December.

I'm not sure how in depth I've gotten about some of my problems associated with food. I know I have mentioned that I have gone from one extreme to the other- not eating to binging and purging... to just plain binging. But have I ever gone through the emotional inner battle I face daily when I look at a package of cookies? Or perhaps the guilt and horror I feel after I've finished said cookies?

Probably not.

Why? Because those little things are what make an eating disorder as destructive as they are. I do not handle stress well at all. I never have. I have a problem with control, and as it so appears this control manifests itself with food. If I feel like my life is thrown into chaos, you'd better believe the cookies, m&m's, and chocolate are all pulled out of the cupboards. Actually- lets be completely honest here. I never have those things at home because if I do I can't control myself. I eat them... all. So if I'm upset, what do you think I do?

Yup. I go to the store. Pretty disgusting, huh?

But you see, that's one of the other struggles I have that makes this monster of a disorder such a bear. I FIND MYSELF DISGUSTING. Or the binge eating disgusting, rather. So it's time. It's time I face my monster in the mirror. It's time I quit this sugar craving and make myself the woman I yearn to be.

And with that- it starts today. Today I signed the contract. No sugar, sweets, or any unnecessary foods in my diet for two weeks. And to ensure I'm able to complete this task, and not feel isolated or alone in this habit breaking venture Rachel has signed one too.

I need to control my eating. I need to control my "natural man" and be a mother to my children. How horrified I would be if my daughter saw me behaving this way and began imitating me. I have to do it now.

Wish me luck as you work towards your goals as well. Know that many of you have inspired me to do this myself. Yes I worked hard last year. Yes I've done something I have never done before by losing weight. Now I have to do something even harder- kick the habit.

Lets kick it together.

Come and See...

I'm excited to announce I've been added to a blog archival page. :) Come check out my "description"! :)

http://www.addyourblog.com/health/Isn-t-She-Beautiful-l2241.html

Love Nichole

What a Pain...

Have you ever done the splits involuntarily? Well, luckily neither have I. Until Thursday night that is.

Holy Grand Toreno.

I think I pulled my groin. :(

Thursday night was just another regular mommy basketball night. Lots of sweating, a little bit of aggression, and several injuries. It was a blast. At one point I went up for a rebound the same time another mommy from the other team did. Fire works emitted in every direction. It was beautiful.

Not really. It was a mess to tell you the truth. I landed with my right leg fully extended frontwards and my left leg behind me. My right shoe was slick and I lost my footing. I can honestly tell you how a rubber band feels after you shoot it across the room.

Not so good.

My right leg extended so fast that I actually felt the tendon in my groin snap back jerking my entire leg.

OWIE!!!!

Little rubber band men... I vow never to shoot you at unsuspecting victims again. There should be laws against anything snapping back so violently. Actually, I'm sure there are. Probably why several days later I'm still limping like a gimp.

On a brighter note however, the cardio was amazing! Interval training (which has been put on hold for now) and playing basketball has done wonders for my own self image. When I look in the mirror I can actually visualize and perhaps even see a slight change in my torso.

Perhaps I'm starting to sculpt my body.

Perhaps I'm on my way!! :)

Perhaps we should all party!

Love Nichole
ps. My friend Rachel is typing up a no sweets for two weeks contract for me. I've been having a hard time controlling my sugar intake for awhile. I'll fill you in on that another time.

A Bat out of Hell...

Whoa! Have you ever stopped to think about the differences between plain'ol jogging and running sprints? No? Neither have I! Apparently there is a BIG difference. Trust me. I now know.

I was told Monday night that I need to start focussing on building up my endurance for my first Triathlon in May. "How am I to do that?" I asked curiously.

Running Sprints.

Huh.

Then it was explained that I should start out walking for 60 seconds and then run RUN run as fast as I can for 20 seconds. And start over.

Easy right?

WRONG!

Last night I had intentions of doing this for 30 minutes. It's funny how my idea's change as time goes on or I get intimidated by something. My intentions quickly changed to running every other telephone pole as hard and fast as I can and walk the others.

In the dark.

I swear I had people slow down as they were driving wondering why the heck I'm running like a bat out of hell. Was there someone chasing me? Was I running from the law? And then I freaked myself out when I saw a huge stick coming up in front of me.

"WHAT IF I HIT THAT RUNNING AS FAST AS I AM???"

Yah- that would have wiped me out and probably taken my entire face with it. When I do anything I give it my all. Falls included.

So... I'd like you to guess how long my 30 minute venture turned out to actually be.

15 minutes.

I COULDN"T EVEN MAKE 30!!! I was so exhausted that I fell into the door trying to control the urge to vomit. My lungs burned and my abs were on fire. My butt and legs however never felt better!

IT WAS AMAZING!!!

You can bet your chocolate covered mints that I will be out doing that again today... and hopefully for the 30 minutes! My inspiration? If you don't remember... it's this photo of Hilary Swank. I felt incredible and even though I may not look as fit as she does here, I felt like I was. It felt incredible.

Here's the link explaining the reasoning behind interval training- aka sprints.

New Year- New Game Plan!

HAPPY NEW YEAR everyone! And happy new waistline... Or err, not so happy? HAHA! I guess it's safe for me to say that I worked really hard last year to end it with a bang. A bang of chocolate, bratwurst and of course, the infamous flu. Yup. It was that much fun for me, but enough of this last year garbage. It's time for THIS YEARS celebrations!

I am so pumped and rejuvenated about this next year. I can't even contain myself. Literally. While I'm sitting here typing this up in the wee hours of the night, my legs are bouncing all over the place. I'm feeling pretty positive about what I have accomplished last year and what I'm aiming for this year.

Last year in a typed up nut shell:

Something I never owned up to on here until now is that I ended 2009 weighing 280+ pounds. I know. I shiver at the sight of that number myself. Probably why I never put my true starting weight on here to begin with. In April I weighed 269, and today I'm sitting at 237- I think. HAHA!

So yah, it's a gradual weight loss but it's one that I'm uber proud of. I hated myself for how large I had gotten but instead of whining about like I had for years, I decided to make last year different. I decided to change my life. And I have. I feel amazing! :)

This years tentative goals:

Basketball season has started again! Yay! Play 2x a week.

I played for the first time in five years last night. I am sore in places I haven't been sore in for months. For someone who has been working out hard and training for a triathlon all summer this is a lot to say. I think this is the change up I really need right now.

AB class 1x a week.

Triathlon Training starting... NOW!

4 Triathlons scheduled for this summer. As they get closer I'll let you in on what races they are. I do have each race already marked on my calendar but for safety reasons would rather not tell Jo Bob with 6 months in advance where I'll be on what day. ;) (See... I pretend to be smart every once in awhile! hehe!) My first ever will be in May.

INSANITY 2x a week

Resistance Training 2x a week

Scheduled meal plans starting last week.

Shopping with bestie and dicing up the veggies together starting tomorrow.

****************************************

I guess we'll see how well that goes. My next actual weight loss goal is to lose another 30 lbs. by June. Then I'll be a hottie with a naughty... attitude. HAHA! :)

If you guys have any suggestions, comments, or even stories I would love LOVE to hear them. Remember I would also love to share someone's personal self-image problems for others to read as well. There are all types of emotional struggles, and the best way to deal with them is to get them out in the open. One person to another. :)

And remember... as you are making your new year resolutions and struggling to button those new favorite jeans that even if you never get down to that next pant size, it really doesn't matter. Because to me, to our loved ones, and to our Heavenly Father... We Are All Beautiful.

Love Nichole
isnt_she_beautiful@hotmail.com