To Be Your Own Advocate

There is something that has been weighing heavily on my mind lately. And it is something that has come around in my life these last few years several times. In order to get to where you want to be and do what you wish to do- you have to learn to be your very own advocate.

Working out can be daunting if it hasn't been a part of your life in a long while. It can be overwhelming and scary stepping into a gym, or class. Trying out a new video is embarrassing, even if no one is there to watch you flap your arms in desperation while your flab flies in defiance.

Working out can be hard.

Finding a work out partner puts a lot of these unfounded worries aside for the time being. My workout partners in my past have become my best friends. I adore them. Even if I'm not working out with them anymore- they are still very important influences in my life.

But here's the thing... we can't put our health and lifestyle on our partners. They are our friends and confidants. They are there to support us and push us along the journey through hell... But they aren't the one that can do the work for you.

Only you can do that.

Only I can do that.

There will be a time when we will all have a "coming to Jesus" moment when it comes to getting healthy. If you haven't found that yet, you will.

I had mine- not too long ago. It was one of the biggest motivators for me to start this detox journey.

This epiphany is the moment when you realize that yes, I LOVE MY WORK OUT PARTNER- BUT... but if my workout partner can not work out with me today or tomorrow- it doesn't give me the day off.

Yep- I just changed from second to first person there. It was intentional. ;) 

Learn to love yourself enough to know that you can do it- with or with out your work out partner. Be your best friend. Push yourself. Enjoy the journey along the way. It's a long road ... and will be a lonely one if you don't start trusting yourself to be your own cheerleader.

I know that if I can figure this out myself- then you can too.

When you have your own moment of wisdom I want to hear about it. Not some story about pretending you had that moment- but truly. DEEP DOWN had that moment.

Only YOU can change YOUR life.

And I know you can do it if I have been doing it too.

Because guess what- YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL... AND guess what. Reaching beast mode on your own in the gym... it's a beautiful thing. :)

Today I weigh 220 pounds. (Pic was from last week.) I started integrating normal foods back into my diet because I got concerned about the amount of weight loss I was experiencing. 12 pounds so far this month. My worry was that I would gain it all back once I started eating wheat and dairy again. I still eat paleo for the most part- but am not so nazi about it anymore.

The detox worked.

It curbed my cravings and I'm under control again.

And I've learned and developed some new habits. :) I say it was a success.

But more about my final thoughts a little later.

I truly hope that you take what I have said into your hearts. I know the frustration of giving up, and I know the fear of doing it alone. It is an irrational fear and you DESERVE better.

You deserve to be healthy.

You deserve to have the confidence to KNOW you can do it on your own.

Love Nichole- another mama who has had to learn the hard way that she too is worth it.

My First Race... Ever.

So I have gone on and on about how I was going to do a triathlon. For years I have trained and got injured and then pregnant. And then injured again. But finally this year I met one of my biggest goals, ever.

I ran my first triathlon.

Granted it was only a sprint- but by golly it was one of the hardest things I have ever done physically and mentally, all at the same time. It was such a test of strength that I didn't even know I possessed! And have never been so proud of myself either. I truly feel like a champion. :)

And to top it off- I had the privilege of doing it with two beautiful and amazing friends. Heather (on the left) and Aimee (on the right).

My original goal was to complete the race in 2 hours and 15 minutes. My friend Cassie even told me that if I made THAT specific goal she would buy me dinner.

I may or may not have SMOKED that goal OUT of the water. I guess you are going to have to continue to read to find out! :) haha!

First off, I trained at doing the quarter mile swim in 9 minutes. I however, was NOT prepared for the onslaught of feet and arms flailing towards my face during the entirety of the swim portion. I had to walk in when I wanted to dive in and then got kicked in the face by numerous feet three different times- to the point of choking. I had to even flip over on my back at one point because someone behind me swam OVER me. WOW. I'm sorry- I didn't realize this was a race to the DEATH!!!

At least now I know what to expect and where to position myself for next time- if there ever is a next time that is. I finished in a little over 11 minutes. I was pretty mad about it... but at least I didn't drown! :)

Now onto the bike portion of the race. 14 miles of hills. Up and down, luckily. But a fairly intense ride if you're pushing yourself hard. In the photo below there is a young woman in blue to the right of me. She should be pretty happy neither one of us died because she passed me going up a hill and then decided to coast going back down it. "WOMAN WATCH OUT!!!"

Okay I didn't yell that- but she was weaving back and forth so I did yell out, "Pick a side, I'm trying to pass." As you can see in this picture we played cat and mouse for most of the race. I beat her going into the second transition though. BOO-YEAH! haha!

And then there's the run.

Oh the run.

How I DREADED that run!

At 3.2 miles it was absolutely HORRIBLE!!!! haha!

So I stuffed my face with gummy bears and went for it. Don't look TOO closely in this next picture below because my cheeks just might be full. Maybe.

Also, running while having to pee is NEVER a good thing. I also learned to not run in wet biker shorts. It creates a rubbing action... that leaves you... a little... raw.

Enough said.

 

Towards the end of the run I was so exhausted. I stopped to stretch my legs and began to walk, briskly- but still a walk. An older man ran by me and said, "Come on girl! We're almost there- lets keep running!" He was so nice and funny. He carried me into the finish line where my friends and family were waiting for me at the finish line. If you can look more closely at the picture directly below me, you can see that I have a huge grin on my face.

 

It's because my friends were yelling, "WOOT!!! LETS GO NICHOLE!!! YOU CAN DO IT!!! YEAH NICHOLE!!!"

 

It was exhilarating. The most amazing feeling ever.

 

And so I pushed it.

 

Hard.

 

Crossing that finish line was full of so many different emotions. I was so overwhelmed by them I began to cry. I had finally accomplished my dream of running a tri. I had done it.

I was finally able to say that I did it.

To me this triathlon symbolized so much. It's hard to actually explain it in words. Losing almost 60 pounds, with another 40 to go- this was almost a different type of finish line for me. Like, I'm almost there- don't give up yet! So close. :)

I still am so amazed by this accomplishment.

And so here I am today writing my story down for myself, my friends/ readers, and my children- My goal was 2 hours and 15 minutes.

I crossed the finish line at 1 hour and 48 minutes.



IF YOU WANT IT- YOU CAN ACHIEVE IT. You just have to believe it- and you can do anything you put your heart to.

Love Nikki.

My LONGEST Non-scale Victory YET!

I have been waiting... DAYS... to announce my HUGEST Nonscale victory EVA! :) Okay, maybe not the biggest ever in the whole wide World, but definitely one of my biggest physical accomplishments.

 

On Monday I warmed up for 15 minutes by walking with my friend Cassie. Part of our warm-up includes a HORRID hill that is practically STRAIGHT up. It takes about 10 minutes to hike this baby.

 

After our wretched WARM UP Cassie MADE me run. I ran to the corner and started slowing down (this is near a mile mark I think?) and she goes, "I don't think so, Nichole. What part of LONG run did you not understand?" Smirk smirk.

 

I may have yelled a profanity at her. I may have smacked her butt or even punched her arm. I don't really remember because at that moment, my World SHATTERED!

 

As we ran DOWN another BLOODY HILL she hollared out to me, "Don't even think about stopping my friend!"

 

Again with the yelling and terrible friend attitude.

 

She eventually told me we were going all the way to her house. NO STOPPING.

 

BLOODY HELL CASSIE! I'm a FAT girl! Whatcha thinking????

 

AND THEN... I made it to her house. Full of spit and vinegar and sweaty clothes. Guess what she does to me. The unspeakable.

 

She challenges me.

 

"By the way, I'm not stopping until you do..." she says.

 

"Fall. Just trip and fall." I said.

 

So there we were, passing her house and my sanctuary from this painful nightmare.

 

I started counting- out loud.

 

"ONE. TWO." breathe in. "THREE. FOUR." breathe out. 

 

FUNNY RIGHT? Well... I was actually screaming this at the top of my lungs. I was trying to mortify her. In the end I was the one that looked ridiculous when several teenage girls I hadn't noticed walked AROUND us.

 

Wow. EPIC FAIL, Nichole.

 

But in the end Cassie pushed me further than I have EVER ran. Had we both not had to all of a sudden go to the bathroom I'm sure she would have pushed me all the way to my home. (A mile away from her house.)

 

So the numbers?

 

Cassie made me run 2.58 miles.

 

MY FAT BUTT ALMOST RAN A 5k!

 

Now what have YOU got to say about that?!

 

NON-SCALE VICTORY BABE-AY!!!!

  

I've posted this several times- this is my all time inspirational pic. I love Hilary! 

 

 

Reality...

I just got done reading an amazing blog post done by Skinny Meg. When I say amazing- I really mean it. It was so raw and truthful as to how our bodies change during our struggle to lose weight. I have always KNOWN my body won't look the same as it did before I gained the weight, but I never really thought further beyond that point.

"Meg" showed pictures that were encouraging, but also made me sad. I am working so hard to become healthier, but I also want to be proud of how I look. I want to be able to hold my head high and not be embarrassed about my body. I guess the biggest part of my quest is trying to find a way to love myself, no matter my appearance or size. Just getting smaller and skinnier isn't going to be a magic cure-all for the way I see myself. Especially if my body isn't the way I expect it to be after I lose the weight. The change has to happen within my own mind.

I know I have mentioned this time and time again, usually in a funnier light, but I have noticed my tummy starting to droop more. My sad "purse" or "apron" is getting smaller, but it is sagging. I have caught myself staring in the mirror with my shirt lifted just looking at my stomach. I will turn to the side and look at my profile and frown. Although I am significantly shrinking, I have a battle of the bulge going on below the belly button. And no, I am NOT referring to male anatomy. (Get your mind out of the gutter! *wink wink!)

Last night I worked HARD. I went out with my friend Cassie like I do 4 nights a week, and walked the perimeter of our town. Midway through our walk we stopped at the highschool and ran bleachers. We also did tricept dips, burpees, and planks. When we were done with the bleachers we walked onto the football field and ran lines across the entire length of the football field.

I was nauseous. Sick.

My calves were cramping.

My knees throbbed.

I wanted to stop.

Cassie then cracked some joke about how she's getting old. I argued that being fat is MUCH much worse.

We chuckled a little.

But then we got up, stretched, and continued on our walk through the second half of town.

When I got home last night, limping and sore, I had my husband help roll out my shins with a rolling pin. I yelled... a lot. He also massaged out my lower back and... bottom. It was painful.

But after I was done stretching out my cramping and stiff muscles I busted out my free weights and worked on my arms while we watched our evening shows together.

So although my body may be starting to droop and sag in the most unpleasant of ways, I am working hard to find pride in my body. I am working hard to be an example to my children. I am working hard to be the best me I can be. And love myself as I do it.

Next time I catch myself staring at my not so lovely figure that weight gain and pregnancy have helped create and destroy, I will make it a point to say something positive and uplifting to myself. I will make it a point to encourage myself to keep going... and notice the beautiful ways my body is changing.

Not the ugly ways.

Because although it makes me want to cry and give up... I know I am worth it. And I know that you are all worth it too.

We can do this.

And we can do it with our heads held high- knowing we aren't alone.

We {YOU} AREN'T ALONE.

Love Nikki

My Life. In a Nutshell...

So every year I like to update this blog on who I am and who I have become. This is always fun for me to read later on and I will eventually publish/ print this blog for my family. This fight against obesity is the HARDEST trial I have had to overcome all by myself. I have had other struggles that were challenging, but I wasn't alone in them. THIS is a lonely battle. THIS can only be changed by ME. And so keeping an appropriate record of this battle of the fatties will be my legacy for my children. (Hopefully not my only legacy... but one for them to be proud of.)

So this is me... in the raw. As of September 2012.

I am 28 years old (awaiting my impending 29th birthday in a few short months). ACK! Next year will be my DIRTY 30! And by that, I of course mean some sort of food fight... right? ;)

My husband and I bought our first house this last November. It was a very LONG process... and I had hopes to paint all the walls and make it super duper trendy. 9 months later I am FINALLY finding things on swap sites for super cheap. YAY! Money is definitely not to be spent frivolously at this time in our lives. We have a mortgage now people! haha!

I ADORE my sister. She is my best friend. She is also my BIGGEST inspiration right now. She's the skinnier version of me on the LEFT... haha! :)

I think it is important to figure out what and who inspires us, and she does it for me. She started out in a not-so-different situation as I concerning her weight gain. But instead of letting it take over her life like I did... she took care of it. When ever I see her I feel renewed. I KNOW that I can look like that too! I mean- we do have the same genes and all! ;) HAHA!

When I reached my 25 pound loss I got a little bit of a makeover. I went from ghetto to fab in 4 hours! haha! Yeah... it took me 4 hours! ;) That's how much of a hot mess I was.

 ^2012

v2005

 My husband and I are having our 7 year anniversary in November. We have grown up so much in that time! Looking at both of these pictures kind of make me giggle. We look like such THUGS in the bottom one! Yeah... we were super fly. BAHAHA... Not so much.

I also reached my heaviest weight this year. 279 after Lyndi was born. This has DESTROYED what ever pride I have ever had in who I was. But I am working hard to get it off. I have hit a plateau and know all the jargon behind it but still need to find that inner strength to fight through it. I have it in me, I just NEED to find the energy.

Any suggestions? ;)

My favorite color is an olivey/ lime green. LOVE IT! Want to decorate my entire house in it! :)

I am a photographer. Mostly for hobby... but I am starting to move away from just being an artist into making a little ooh-la-la on the side. ;) (By that I, of course, mean money... what are you thinking crazy???)

And the biggest part of who I am right now is a SAHM of 3 cuddly, crazy and cute bug-a-boo's! I love them SO much. So much I want to rip all of my hair out... daily. So much we live practically destitute so that I can be home with them... daily. SO MUCH that I pray for them several times ... daily. I just can't imagine my life with out them, even if it is a difficult life right now. They can make me laugh like no one else. (They can also make me yell like no one else either! haha!)

But with those few little facts make up a whole lotta me. I love chocolate and hate whole grains. I love ice cream... and can settle for skinny cow. *And don't be fooled here... SKINNY COW IS PRETTY AMAZING! I just love me some nice creamy cream ice cream.*

And in closing I would like to re-explain my title. Not to you... but to me. Sometimes I get a little shy because it sounds a little narcissistic. I mean, doesn't it? "ISN'T SHE BEAUTIFUL?" I mean... REALLY? Couldn't I have chosen something a little LESS vain?

Well here's the thing. EVERY woman- young, old, and every one in between- needs to KNOW that she is beautiful. It doesn't matter the number on the scale. My number is 253 but as you just read you know that that isn't what makes me Nichole. Nikki. Babe. Goose. ;) There is so much to me then being the fat sister. I am outgoing and funny. I am also very hard to get close to. I have a love hate relationship with relationships. My best friends are that... They are MY BEST FRIENDS. They had to fight for that title. But THAT'S who I am. I am NOT the fat girl.

Every woman needs to find that INNER beauty and rejoice in it. We are AMAZING creatures. Seriously. A-MAZE-ING!  *Any thing that can endure the horrors of labor... and then endure the pain of breast feeding is freaking awesome. We are freaking awesome even if we don't breast feed. We are AWESOME because we have the choice to do what ever the heck we want.

We are amazing.

And we are beautiful.

And I need to keep my title the way it is... because I need to see it. Daily. For myself.

Because I am just like the rest of you... with just another 70 pounds to go before I am normal. And no, that doesn't make me the fat girl.

It makes me beautiful.

BECAUSE my friends. We are ALL beautiful... and freaking AMAZING!

Love Nikki