the pigeon pair

I've been thinking lately about having another baby. Well, not so much about having another baby, but if we will have another baby.. or not.

I always thought we would have another baby one day. Even though after Henry was born I said "I am never doing that again!" I quickly changed my mind once the memory of the birth faded away. But in the last few weeks, I have found myself for the first time, wondering if maybe two is enough for us.

It's funny because during the last year Henry has been a terrible sleeper.. I have barely managed to make it though each day, yet throughout all that time I was still sure that we would do it all again one day.
It was about a month ago that Henry finally started sleeping a bit better and around the same time I wondered, for the first time, if we could actually do it all again. The idea of having another baby became a "maybe" not a "definitely" when people asked. It's almost like things finally started to get a bit easier.. I could see the light at the end of the sleep-deprivation tunnel and I thought.. "I'm not sure if I could do that again".

Some people (like my mum) are shocked that we would even consider having another child. You see.. it's not quite as simple for us as it is for other people (I would need another cervical suture and would possibly be on bed-rest again) not to mention the trouble we have had even falling pregnant.
The other consideration is that I'm just not sure if I could do it all again.. Physically or mentally!
Having babies (the pregnancy, birth, sleepless nights and breastfeeding) seem to leave me feeling like a shell of my former self.. I'm becoming more bedraggled by the day I think!

There is also the environmental point of view that the world is becoming overpopulated and we all need to have less kids not more. My mum is a big believer of this view (even though she popped out half a football team herself! But I guess things were different back then).
I always thought that it was better to have three kids who were brought up to be environmentally conscious than one kids brought up as a thoughtless consumer with no consideration for the environment but I don't know.. maybe my mum is right? (They usually are aren't they?!)

But of course, the amount of joy that babies bring is incomparable and kids really do fill the house with joy (most of the time). Luckily, Tom is happy either way.. he would be happy if we stopped at two and equally happy to have another.. so the ball is really in my court.
I guess that I'm lucky I have time on my side and I don't have to make the decision right this moment.. I can wait and see how I feel in a year or so.

So tell me.. How many kids do you have? How did you know when your family was complete? I'd love to know!

6 weeks

Henry is 6 weeks old.
It feels like he has been here forever. My days of bedrest feel like a lifetime ago but at the same time the last 6 weeks have flown by.

I am not going to lie, the last months has been a little difficult at times. Not because I am finding it hard having a newborn and dealing with sleepless nights (Henry is an absolute sweetheart!), but because Sophie has turned into an absolute rat-bag!

She has become the most difficult and disobedient little thing I have ever seen! I completely understand that it is a normal reaction to having a new sibling and that it must be extra hard for a little girl who has had her parents all to herself for almost 5 years (not to mention the fact that we moved house and changed her school just 2 weeks before Henry was born so there has been alot of big changes for the poor girl).

I am embarrassed to admit that instead of being patient and understanding towards her, I have turned into one of those mums that just bark orders at their kid and I have never yelled at her so much in my whole life! I have lost my cool more times than I would like to admit. I know that what she needs is more time alone with me and a little bit of understanding, but I have found it hard to remember that when she is throwing books at my head while I am trying to feed Henry. (Not joking).

All I can say is thank god the school holidays are over!

Of course it's not all 'nightmare-child' and 'cranky-pants mum' around here.. There are plenty of lovely moments and Sophie is getting better and better everyday (adjusting to life with a little brother I guess)..
She does adore Henry and often almost suffocates him with cuddles!

Here is a photo to prove it..

Approaching life..

I am really looking forward to having a blog that is actually full of delicious homemade food, pictures of all the delicious veggies we grow in the garden and post after post of all the pretty things I make on my sewing machine.

I am not sure if it because I am feeling so incredibly lucky at the moment or if it was the 5 months of full bed rest that did it, but for some reason I am feeling so motivated to approach life with absolute energy and passion at the moment.

I keep imagining life in our new house, with our new gorgeous baby and me.. unlike I have ever been before.. A new version of 'me' that is organised and motivated and has a new passion for life and motherhood and creating a wonderful loving home. Someone who shops at the local farmers markets and cooks delicious homemade meals from scratch, spends her time gardening and sewing and being absorbed in every moment with her kids. Someone who has the laundry sorted and the house clean and has time to bake muffins before playgroup in the morning. I imagine dancing around the house at 5pm with my kids laughing and happy and having fun because I will have prepared dinner at 10am instead of thinking about what to make at 6.45pm. I will be a better mother, a better wife and a better friend.

But then reality sets in..

I will be tired. Really tired. I will have a newborn. I will have a 4 year old who has to deal with moving house, changing schools and getting a new sibling all in the same month. I will have a husband that now takes an hour to get home from work instead of 10 minutes. I will be really out of shape after spending majority of the last 9 months in bed and I will probably spend most of the day in my pyjamas..

But you know what? I am okay with that. I'm more than okay with that..

I am going to spend every second just savouring that newborn goodness while eating take away in a house that resembles a junk yard. I am going to sit there with a smile on my face and hope that the motivation to make my life look like a pinterest board is still there in 6 months time!

Yeah!

These are some of my favourite photos from Instagram.. You can follow me on Instagram if you like (@grow_cook_sew) as I may be a bit sporadic in posting over the next few weeks (You know.. moving house and having a baby and all!)

On the home stretch now..

I had an appointment with my obstetrician yesterday and it looks like this little baby might be arriving sooner rather than later, of course its impossible to predict these things but judging by the ultrasound I had and the contractions I have been having, it looks like things are getting ready to happen.

I will be 32 weeks tomorrow which is over the really risky stage but could still mean up to two months in neonatal care if this little man does decide to come now, so we are really hoping that he stays put for another month at least.

I have to go into hospital tomorrow to have steroid injections to help speed up his lung development. I'm a little nervous as I don't particularly like the thought of giving steroids to an unborn baby, and am a little worried about the (unknown) long term effects of un-naturally speeding up development. But like many other decisions I have made in this pregnancy, I have learnt to accept that science and medicine sometimes do have a (very valuable) place in pregnancy and childbirth. I also trust my obstetrician that this is going to give our baby the best possible chance if he does decide to come early.

In other news, Sophie has been on school holidays for the last two weeks (which may explain why this baby might come early.. it's impossible to lie in bed 24 hours a day with a 4 year old running around!)
I have had such a lovely time with her, she is really starting to turn into a proper little person. Watching her learn to read and write is so exciting and I can see her growing up more and more each day.
She is so excited about having a little brother and I know she is going to be such a great big sister.
Very exciting times ahead..

Expectations -the age gap

I can remember when I fell pregnant with Grace in 2010 (and had already had two miscarriages and taken longer to fall pregnant than expected) I would complain to friends about how the age gap between Sophie and baby number 2 would be so big (it would have been three and a half years if Grace had survived).
It seems ridiculous to me now that I used to complain about the age gap back then -as the age gap between our kids will now be almost 5 years.

It's taken me a long time to come to terms with what the age gap will be between our kids, and it's not because I believe there is a 'right' age gap at all, I can see the benefits of having kids close together and far apart. The thing that has bothered me so much is that I had expected to have kids close together and the hard thing has been learning to adjust to the way that life turned out rather than how I expected it to be.

We started trying for another baby when Sophie was a 1 year old and sometimes I can't believe that here we are, all these years later still waiting for another (living) baby to arrive. It was so hard for me to watch everyone else go on to have baby number two and even baby number three while I was still desperately trying to fall pregnant or stay pregnant. I felt sorry for Sophie because she wanted a little brother or sister so badly and although I knew I was lucky to have her, I really felt like I was being left behind. Especially after I fell pregnant so easily with Sophie, it was such a shock when it became so, so difficult the second time around.

I know that there will be so many benefits to having such a big gap between kids.. Sophie will be able to help with so many things and because she will be at school full time next year I will have so much one-on-one time with the little man.  I know that it will be great and I am not worried about the age gap anymore, but before I fell pregnant it was crazy how it use to eat me up inside. I sometimes laugh when people tell me how many kids they are going to have or what age-gap they plan on having because I have learnt that sometimes we just have no control over these things at all.

I guess at the end of the day you love the kids you end up with so much that you can't imagine life any other way.



*Photo of Sophie - who has had enough of photos!

On getting dressed.. Or not.

Ever since Sophie was old enough to talk (and maybe even before then) she has had very strong opinions about how she is going to dress.

The problem is that every morning has become an absolute struggle.. multiple outfit changes, tantrums, the entire contents of her wardrobe emptied across her bedroom floor and sometimes even after an hour of trying to get her dressed we are still no closer to getting her out the door.

While I am happy than my little girl has a strong sense of what she likes and does not like, I have no idea where this behaviour originated from.. I like nice clothes as much as the rest of us, but I usually throw on the first clean thing I find (which is usually jeans, a stripy top and my converse) and don't give it a second thought. I have no idea how she became so obsessed with clothes and how she looks and it does worry me a little.

A few nights ago she had a tantrum because her "pyjamas looked silly". I explained to her that it did not matter what her pyjamas looked like as she would be tucked up in her bed all night and the most important thing is that they are warm and cosy.. no-one cares what your pyjamas look like! But she was not convinced and that is what worries me.. how did this little girl learn to place so much value on how she looks? Is this something she will grow out of or is it the beginning of lifelong belief that our physical looks define our worth as a person (my gosh I hope not!)

I should add here that while we often tell Sophie that she looks lovely or how gorgeous she is (if you have a little girl it's impossible not too),  but we have always been very careful not to emphasise it too much and we are always trying to encourage self-worth based on non-physical attributes, such as "we were very proud of how well you played with your friends today at the park, Well done!" or "I really love this painting you did at school today, Can you tell me more about it?" (I'm reading a book at the moment about adding open ended questions onto the end of a statement when praising children.. but that's a post for another time).

Aside from what ever worries I have about my daughter's sense of self-worth, it's really the stress of each morning that is becoming a problem. We have tried choosing an outfit together the night before, we have tried laying out 3 possible (weather appropriate) choices and asking her to choose one, we have tried everything short of putting locks on her wardrobe!

And on the days when she manages to choose an outfit and get dressed without any complaining, you can be assured that an hour later she will be found up in her room.. getting changed again! (And again at lunch time, and again before going to the park, and again before dinner.. No wonder Tom feels like he spends his whole life doing laundry!)

Two

I love looking back at old pictures of Sophie. I really can't believe that I have a primary school kid already!
She just grew up so fast!

Slow down little one!

Someday.

I read so many stories of women who have discovered their creative side after having kids, almost like motherhood re-wired their brains in some way. This was defiantly me.
While I had an appreciation for art and design before having Sophie, I was far from considering myself a creative person. It was only after Sophie was born that I realised that I could actually make things -myself.

I learnt how to sew and knit and embroider and I fell in love with the incredible satisfaction that comes with making something yourself. And I would feel such a sense of pride when people would ask where I got the pretty top that Sophie was wearing and I could say "I made it myself".

I knew as soon as I started sewing that I would love to be able to start a little business one day selling the things I make at the local markets. The desire was not to make money or share my talents (at this stage I could barely sew a straight line) but I just loved the idea of having my own little shop market stall full of things that I had made. There was no rush, obviously I had to get much better at sewing first, but the idea was never far from my mind.

Life, of course, had other plans and over the next few years I spent all my energy trying to fall pregnant and then trying to stay pregnant, trying to fall pregnant, trying to stay pregnant. Again and again.
After Grace died and I was having trouble falling pregnant again I needed something to take my mind of things. (There was no use going back to work because we kept thinking that I would be pregnant again soon and we knew that I would be on bed rest). Sophie had started pre-school 2 days a week and I told myself that I needed those 2 days to myself to nurture myself (so to speak) and take the time to heal and work through the grief.

I would spend my days at home, taking myself out for coffee or spending a large percentage of my husband's wage at the local fabric store. I told myself that it was good for me to have some time-out but in reality, those two days without Sophie were an excuse for me to wallow.

So, I decided that something had to be done. I could not sit around any longer just waiting to fall pregnant with my life on hold until I did. (I remember when we moved to Perth and I made an appointment to see an obstetrician that deals with high risk pregnancy and the receptionist told me that the next appointment was in 4 months time. I called Tom and told him about the wait and he said "Well that's okay.. you will be pregnant by then". That was more than a year ago.)

I put a small amount of money aside for my little business and set to work.. researching fabric suppliers,   making samples, getting labels made etc. Again, I had no plans to make money or have a proper business, it was just an excuse for me to spend all my spare time sewing and to make kids clothes that I liked. I was getting very excited at the end of last year to see it all starting to come together when..
I fell pregnant. (Of course!)

Last month I packed away all the fabric, patterns, clothes and labels. Packed away my sewing machine and overlocker and shelved that dream for 'someday'.


*Of course, I am not upset that this plan is on hold at all.. I will get to it one day and in the meantime I am very busy doing much more important things.. growing a baby!

Adjusting

A few people have asked how Sophie is adjusting to having a mummy who spends 24 hours a day in bed. It has been an adjustment but we are all doing as well as any family can I guess.

The last year or so has been difficult for Sophie. She had only just turned 3 when Grace died and could not really comprehend what had happened. For months afterwards she would ask questions like "Mummy, why did our baby die?" or worse "Mummy, when I grow up will my baby die too?" or "Mummy, why do all my friends have a little brother or sister to play with, but I don't?" For months afterwards she would draw pictures of our family with four people "mummy, daddy, me and the baby that died".

We have always tried to be as honest as we can about what happened and try to remind her that one day she will have a little brother or sister, it just takes some mums and dads longer than others. Yesterday she asked me if she will "have to lie in bed to help her baby grow" when she grows up. The poor little thing.. It is all very confusing for a 4 year old.

The funny thing is that I actually get to spend more quality time with Sophie now than I ever had before. I have nothing to do, nowhere to go and I can sit her with her for hours reading books and doing puzzles. I find it amazing how little quality time I spent with her before. We were always doing things, had somewhere to be, playdates, dinner to cook, cleaning to do, and apart from a few stories before bed I rarely sat down and just read stories, played games with her and listened to her tales about her day.

It's quite nice really.

The Greatest

If someone was to ask me what it is like to become a mother, I would tell them that, for me, it was without a doubt, the best thing I have ever done in my life. And the hardest.



I often wonder why no one told me that motherhood was so tough. My mum raised 7 kids. She had 3 kids by the time she was 22 and she never once told me that being a mum can be challenging at the best of times.

Now, meeting Tom and becoming a mother and wife has been the best thing that has ever happened to me. I honestly feel like I was walking around without a clue, without a point to my life, before I met Tom and had Sophie. I know it sounds like the worst cliche ever, but it was like there was a piece of me missing that was only filled by becoming a family. Seriously, I know how wanky that sounds, but that is really how it feels. If anyone reading this knew how much my life has turned around in the last few years they would understand. Every day I get closer to becoming the person that I always dreamed of being.



But, at the same time, motherhood has been the most difficult thing I have ever done. It has pushed me further than I ever thought I could go physically, mentally and emotionally. Sometimes I think that it's because I met Tom, had Sophie and got married all in the same year. Maybe it's because I am about 10 years younger than the average mother or maybe it's because I am just not as naturally good at mothering than other people.. I don't know.



But, you know, Tom and I still plan on having 3 or 4 kids.. Because even on the hardest of days, it is impossible to imagine life without the joy and love and happiness having a little one brings to your life. No matter how hard the day has been, I can still creep into her room at night and feel my eyes well up just holding her little hand in mine and thinking about how happy she makes us.
How hearing her little footsteps run up the corridor every morning and jump on the bed, talking at a million miles an hour about some random event that happened weeks ago, giving us big sloppy kisses and demanding 4 different kinds of breakfast is the best thing in the universe and I would not change it for the world.