Because of Who, Are You?

I am sitting here today feeling all fibromyalgia-ey and lupus-y, lovely red butterfly rash covering my cheeks, deep ache throbbing inside of my bones.  It is honestly not a wonderful way to have to live, but it is how I must live.  And although the pain is great and the fatigue can be overwhelming, I am a happy person most of the time.  I accept my illness as a part of my life's journey and although it hurts like heck, I remain positive.  My heart is full, my spirit is light and I am extremely grateful to be alive.  There is a constant balance in my life.  A dichotomy of feelings and emotions that are sometimes difficult to sort out.  Yet sort, I must.

This afternoon, I was reading the blog of the amazing and beautiful Stephanie Nielson, airplane crash survivor.  For the past eight months or so, I have been reading her blog and her life has touched mine in a way that I cannot even describe.  I began reading her blog just a few weeks before her life-altering accident, having come upon it by happenstance.  You know how one blog leads to another, leads to another and then you find something which truly speaks to you.  Someone else's words will leap off of the page at you and you think, wow, you are describing my feelings exactly!  This not only happens to me with blogs, but with emails, books and other publications, as well.  In some ways, I am a "word junkie".  I feel the need to be surrounded by the words of others and I sometimes feel inspired to share my own.   Words are my way of exploring life.  My paintbrush, my modeling clay, my camera lens.(Although I am becoming more at home with that lately, as well.)  My way of learning is to metabolize the different ways in which words can enrich our lives and make us feel.

As I was reading through Nienie's latest post, something came to mind which I felt compelled to share with her.  I told her that there is nothing harder than having to survive for just one's own sake, but surviving and thriving for those whom we love and who love us...now that is what it's all about.  That is what makes it all doable.

A couple of weeks ago, my youngest Angel Daughter and I decided to paint rocks.  Yes, paint rocks.  There is an absolute abundance of wonderfully shaped rocks along the beach near our home, and so one day as I was walking along looking down at the rocks, I decided that it might be fun to paint them.  AD4 and I sat down at the table and began our project.  We talked and giggled and created, but I was not allowed to look at what she was making.  She wanted it to be a surprise.  When we were finally finished, I was presented with the two lovely rocks which are pictured above.  On them, among the gold scroll-work that AD4 so carefully created by hand, were the words, "Because of you, I am."  

For the past couple of weeks since I was given this perfect gift, I have run these words through my mind hundreds of times.  Because of you, I am.  I have pondered them, repeated them to myself and even meditated on them while holding the rocks in my hands.  Because of you, I am.  I did not delve too deeply into what might have spurred my daughter into writing these words.  I wanted to develop my own meaning behind their inherent wisdom.  Yet, it floors me to think that out of the heart of a fifteen year old girl, came these very prophetic words.  Because of you, I am.

I have been thinking about all that I have gotten back from keeping this blog.  All of the kindness, all of the sweet words and all of the wonderful friendships I have made.  And just like collecting rocks on the beach and then putting them out there for my Angel Daughter to paint, my posts have been like that.  Ideas, thoughts, and stories which I have collected and put out there for you to paint with your own ideas, thoughts and stories.  A beautiful give and take of words.  Words which I put out for you to add your own meanings, thoughts and interpretations to.  Words which you return to me.  Because of you, I am.

So, as I sit here feeling physically drained, my spirit feels lifted boundlessly off of the ground.  Because of God, I am.  Because of my husband, I am.  Because of my Angel Daughters, I am.  Because of my parents, my brother and my nieces, I am.  Because of my dog, my cats and my birds, I am.  And because of you, I am.  As each has an affect on the other.  Each word, each kindness, each contribution.

So tell me.  Who comes to your mind when you think of Angel Daughter Number Four's words, because of you, I am?  Who has helped you to survive on the days when doing it for yourself seems just a little too hard?  Because of who, are you?

Because you are all so wonderful, I have decided to give away an Energy Muse bracelet.  Like I have said before, the ones that I have worn have brought me peace and transformation.  I will write more about the giveaway in my next post.

Bruce Springsteen, Breakthroughs and Being Here Now

Tomorrow is the one year anniversary of my beloved younger brother's death.  In Judaism, we say a special prayer called the yizkor, or a memorial prayer, which marks the one year anniversary of a loved one's passing.  It is a prayer that should be said in synagogue because it is necessary to have a minyon, or a group of ten or more, in order to recite this prayer of remembrance.  Last Friday, Mark, myself and our four daughters, went to temple to recite yizkor in my brothers memory.  It was quite surreal to hear his name said out loud and to stand, in unison, with my husband and our children after my brother's name was recited.  At the same time that my family was saying yizkor for my brother, sweet Jen of Jenx67, was posting an incredibly touching tribute to my brother and I on her blog.  Jen and I were "introduced" to each other via my little brother and that is something I will never forget.  But that is a story for another day, and thank you, Jen, for being a part of that minyon without even realizing it.  Tomorrow evening, we will light something known as a yazreit candle which will burn for twenty-four hours.  It is said that the flame of the candle is used to remind us that the soul of the departed still burns brightly.  I believe this with all of my heart.

As I was contemplating the past year and thinking about my brother, I was using my computer to search through the lyrics of Springsteen songs.  I know many of them by heart, but my brother was a huge Springsteen fan and I wanted to get lost in the poetry behind the music.  I needed to feel close to my brother and somehow, Springsteen music always makes me feel like he is just hanging out with me.  So here I was, just scrolling through the words searching for something that might help in the continuation of the healing process when I decided to search for the words, "brothers and sisters" in Bruce Springsteen songs.  That is the exact moment, right in the middle of the word, "sisters", when my bracelet broke and the beads began gently cascading down onto my bed.  Several years ago, I began wearing bracelets made by a company called Energy Muse.  They are known for creating beautiful bracelets made with beads which represent various elements.  Each piece is created with a specific intention.  The beads which are used possess certain qualities which are said to be transferred to the wearer.  I have worn several of these bracelets over the years and I now feel naked without one.  I wear them as a sort of talisman and I often play with the beads when I pray.  The people who make these bracelets say that when one breaks, the wearer is having a breakthrough of some sort.  Having gone through several of these, I can attest to the fact that mine have broken at some very significant times in my life and although the company will put them back together for free, I prefer to keep them in a little box.  I then choose a different intention and attach a new one to my wrist.  The one that I was wearing for quite some time carried with it, the intention of 'protection'.  Protection, knowing that God is always with me and always available, is something I needed to feel desperately during the past year.  My bracelet helped to keep me grounded in my belief.  

I am not exactly sure why my bracelet broke at the exact moment that it did.  I only know that I truly believe that there are no accidents.  Things happen as they are meant to happen in order to let us know that we are either on the right path or that we need to take a detour along the way.  I purchased another Energy Muse bracelet that I found on sale, for my birthday back in July.  It sits, waiting, on my nightstand and I take comfort in the fact that I won't have to go naked for a few days until I go out and purchase another one.  This time, I chose one which carries a different affirmation along with it.  It contains the message, "I surrender both my past and my future; I live in the power of now."  And isn't that what living is all about?  Experiencing this moment, at this time, on this day.  Some of my dear blogging friends reminded me in my last post's comments, that I should not allow the moment of my brother's death to define the rest of my life.

Tomorrow morning, when I clasp my new bracelet onto my wrist and breathe a prayer into the Universe to live in the power of now, I will also think of my brother, my husband, my Angel Daughters, my Angel Nieces, Bruce Springsteen, JenX, and all of my other sweet blogging friends who have gotten me through this first year.  I will also think about the One who protects, but also reminds, when it is time to move forward.  I will say thank you to God for the gentle reminder that the period of mourning is now over.  And I will say thank you, dear God, for getting me to now.  

I will then take a long walk on the beach so that I can have a talk with my brother.

Amen.