The Ties That Bind

It is June.  June is the month of my oldest daughter's birthday.  June brings summer and June Gloom and eventually, July, which is the month of my birthday and my brother's birthday and some unexplained and mostly unexplored anxiety which I do believe that I must take some time to understand this year.  My favorite grandmother passed away on my birthday several years ago, but I do not believe that that has anything at all to do with my "July anxiety" because it seemed to have started well before her death.  Sometimes, I think that my grandma's passing on my birthday was sort of a Universal pox on my irrational anxiety.  Like "Here.  If you are going to be all weird about your birthday and stuff, we will add something else, something more concrete that will make it even more burdensome for you."  Or, "You really aren't that important, Debra, so do not believe that other people celebrating the fact that you are still here to be celebrated means anything more than that you are just another year older."  Silly, I know.  And the interesting thing is that I love life, I really do.  And I understand that in order to continue having a life to love, I must also have birthdays to grow older on.  Like my grandmother always told me, if you want to live, you have to get old.  And it isn't necessarily the growing older part of my birthday that bothers me.  I do not mind that at all.  There are many benefits to growing older and wiser and more comfortable in one's own skin.  But while I am contemplating this, I must ask if there is anyone else out there who shares in this birthday anxiety?  I witness other people getting very excited about their own birthdays and I do, too, but it makes me wonder where my own apprehension might have come from.

So here we all are in the month of June.  Angel Daughter Number One will be turning twenty-six at the end of this month which is almost hard for me to fathom as in my own mind, she is still a very young woman.  Truthfully, I am finally coming to the conclusion that this child of mine is finished being a child.  This has been a somewhat difficult concept for me to grasp as she has always been so easy to mother which makes it even easier for me to continue doing so.(She is a pretty good sport about it.)    But she does not really need me to do that part of the job anymore.  I mean, I know that she will always need me to be her momma, but as far as the unasked-for advice, etc., etc., I would rather not sound like the adults in the Charlie Brown cartoons.  I am learning to back off.  I am learning that when she needs me, she will come to me.  I am learning that AD1 is pretty much cooked.  I definitely cannot complain. Look at my girl, she is self-assured, considerate, compassionate and beautiful.  As her momma, there is nothing that I could wish for her to be that she is not already in the process of achieving.  It is a little bit frightening to know that I am on my way out of a job that I have so loved doing for twenty-six years, but this is the truth whether I want it to happen or not so I might as well enjoy the process.

So I move on to Angel Daughter Number Two...My wild child, per say.  The one who can cause my heart to pound wildly in the middle of the night without logical reason, but just because I know.  And yet, she always seems to figure her way out of the dilemmas that are sometimes self-created and sometimes, not.  This child is twenty-three years old and although she will tell you that she has been "on her own" since she was eighteen, that is so not true.  She flies freely under the very watchful eyes of her parents and her extremely proud, extremely supportive grandfather even when she sometimes flaps her wings like a wayward bird whose wings have been temporarily clipped by her own impulsive actions from time to time.  I cannot say that this one is fully cooked yet, but I do have to watch the way that I respond to the manner in which she approaches the world.  It it very different, not bad, just different and unusual.  She is, after all, a creative soul and creative souls can have a very different way of approaching life.  AD2 is a free-spirit who views the world from a distinctive and much further elevated perch.(If she can get there, it is definitely worth the effort of the climb!)  I often find myself observing this child in the way that I would view a very beautiful, rare bird that loves the idea of self-survivial but needs the security of others to occasionally feather her nest(and fill her refrigerator).  She wants, so badly, to do things on her own, but she just isn't as ready as she sometimes believes that she is.(Sir, I was born ready!)  It is all good, though.  I know that AD2 is absolutely capable of amazing things, things that other twenty-three year olds could not even imagine achieving.  Being her momma is something that I know that I was meant to do, so I will do it in whatever way she needs me to for however long it takes.  Nothing could make me prouder or happier.

Angel Daughter Number Three just completed her AA degree from a community college, received her first "A" in math, ever, and will be moving on to attend a college that is nine hours away in August to complete her Bachelor's Degree in Psychology.(Just like her momma:))  In some ways, AD3 is our late bloomer, but she is also very thorough in making sure that she is comfortable with one step in life before she moves on to the next one.  It is going to be very difficult when she leaves, I am fully aware of that and I know that I will come down with another case of "empty-nest syndrome" when she goes.    She has been dating Zach for a couple of months now.  He is the brother of AD1's boyfriend, Matt.  They fell pretty fast and quick when they met and have been inseparable ever since.  I'm not exactly sure how the Universe is going to work this one out come August, but it is all part of the major scheme so I am confident that if they want it to work, it will.  Mark and I both really like Matt and Zach so if things are somehow meant to be, we would not complain.  Life has a funny way of working things out, so we shall see what happens in the future.

Angel Daughter Number Four...What can I say about this little bundle of teenage energy.  She is like a whirlwind of enthusiasm and kinetic chatter that bounces from moment to moment, place to place, leaving people smiling from ear to ear in her path.  And although she is in the midst of her final year as a teenager, she is finally now going through a somewhat rebellious stage.  I should have known that it was coming.  It is normal and healthy and necessary.  I was just sort of hoping that we could just skip that portion of the process with this mostly happy, mostly agreeable little soul.  AD4 is still dancing up a storm, going to college, and working while also keeping up with her full social calendar.  Her ability to bring people joy through the art of dance is mesmerizing and I am so proud of her confidence and skill.  I only hope that she takes full advantage of the natural ability that has been given to her so that she does not look back with any regret.  She truly is that good.

The love of my life.  This man whom I have spent the past thirty-three years of my life with.  We have been together since we were freshmen in college and have been married for almost twenty-nine years.  We continue to build a life together that is both joy filled and upbeat.  Yes, we definitely share in the difficulties that being alive throws at everyone, but we choose to deal with them in a way that allows us to keep the bright side mostly in tact.  We try to remember that we are always in this together and we do our very best to work as a team.  Most importantly, we remain deeply in love with one another and that is something that sustains us through even the heaviest of storms.

Even as we watch our four children walking into their own futures, we steadfastly remain two people who will share in ours together and in that, we both find deep comfort.

The pelicans have been returning to San Clemente, and with them, another season has passed and another June has arrived.  Watching my children leave and return and leave and return and then, eventually leave without returning alone, has been a process for me.  It has been a process filled with the bittersweet proclivity of both transformation and also, displacement.  I am excited about what is to come for them, but I am scared about where it will leave me in my newest phase of life.  Who will I be when I am no longer known as my children's mother?  Where will my own purpose lie when the most important job that I could ever conceive of in my life is mostly finished?  How do I discover who I will now become?  I have so much to learn and for the first time in my entire life, I am feeling a little bit lost.    I always knew what would come next...College, job and marriage, children...Now, I am just not that sure.  I've never had a role model to guide me.  No other woman to look to as an example of how it is all done gracefully, at least not one whom I know personally.  It's a bit disconcerting.  I know that I can rely on the support, love and encouragement of my husband and our daughters.  I know that they will cheer me on in whatever direction I choose to fly.  But where do I even begin...I have most of the tools, but I still need a compass, and a map, and a GPS, for that matter.

Happy June!

Senior Prom, Sunshine and Standards

You are my sunshine,

my golden sunshine.

You make me happy,

when skies are grey.

You'll never know dear,

how much I love you.

Please don't take

my sunshine

away.

I have been singing this song to my youngest Angel Daughter since the very day that she was born and as she got older, she began singing it to me, as well.  Maybe it was because this child was born with a particularly sunshiny disposition.(She sparkles when she smiles.)  With each one of my girls, I have special songs, sayings, or inside giggles that only we share with one another which has created very special bonds in the relationships within our relationships.  This actually makes quite a bit of sense when I think about it as every positive relationship in our lives contain special nuances that make each singular relationship unique.  It isn't really something that we set out to do.  When a bond is created, it is something that simply just seems to happen.  It is kind of like when a cricket rubs it's legs together to create a unique song.  Each relationship fosters it's own distinctive music.  Each relationship is extraordinary.  That is the way it is meant to be when done well.

Angel Daughter Number Four attended her Senior Prom last weekend.  I cannot believe that we have now experienced four of these momentous occasions.  I carry within my heart, memories of each one of these very beautiful days all very different while my feelings were so much the same with each one.  Another step closer to graduation.  Another step closer toward growth and independence.  Another view of my daughters as women.  Senior Prom does this.  It makes you look at your child through a very grown-up lens because, well, they look so grown up in their formal dresses and suits.  It can be a very sobering experience for a parent who really does not feel much older than the day that their child was born(all of us), but who is suddenly standing there wondering when their baby grew up.  Sunrise, sunset...

Hugs...

Gratitude...(look at those shoes!)

Laughter...

Posing...

More laughter...

And her favorite guy in the world.

As we followed the girls up the very steep hill to take pictures, my husband trailed protectively behind our daughter to make sure that she didn't fall back on those crazy heels.  When she chose the gorgeous Ralph Lauren sequined navy gown to wear to her prom, I was very impressed as were the saleswomen who sold it to us.  Angel Daughter Number Four is obviously an individual who honors personal style and this gown was a bit more refined than what I expected her to select.  We found it only a few days before prom, and the saleswomen almost had tears in their eyes.  They told me about the "apron"(meaning the sides were cut out like a full-length apron with a bib on top but nothing underneath) dresses that some girls were picking out which left absolutely little to the imagination.(They said that they had sold hundreds!)  They told me about the proud parents who came in with their daughters and with tears in their own eyes, stood there and told their barely dressed daughters with breasts lifted up way past decency how beautiful they looked and what a perfect choice they had made.  I am not at all sure where these parents expect their daughters to go from there, but that would not have made it past me or my husband.  So, when AD4 came home with the very trendy spike-covered heels the next day,  to wear with her gown, I was pleased as punch.  Pleased to know that she was still being true to her own individual style and pleased to know that she would look like the beautiful eighteen year old young lady that she is.

As I watched her walk gingerly up the hill under the safe guidance of her father's hand ready to catch her at any moment if she stumbled, I thought about how this is one of the many ways in which I see him as a father.  This is how our girls see him.  As a protective force, always ready to catch them if they begin to stumble.

Soon after we arrived at the top of the hill, we noticed a stray piece of thread that was hanging off of the hem of AD4's gown.  When Mark leaned down to detach the stray piece of string from her dress, AD4 giggled through one of her sparkling, sunshiny smiles as her friends looked on and my heart caught in my throat.  This is one of the moments that I will carry in my heart's memory when I recall the Senior Prom of our youngest Angel Daughter.  My man, their father, who continues to set a wonderful, shining example of how a man should treat a woman, this is what they should wait for.  I pray, with all of my heart, that this is something that they will look for in the husbands that they will someday choose for themselves.  I hope that along with all of the lessons that have stuck and unstuck and sort of stuck up until this time, this one, this very important ideal, will hold a standard to which all of our daughters will strive for.  Wait for it, girls.  There are men out there who know how to be a man.    Settle for nothing less.  It is what you each deserve.

I Can, I Must, I Will

We are in the thick of Dance competition season which means that Angel Daughter Number Four is spending weekend after weekend doing exactly what she lives to do.  This child was born with a dancer's soul.  Whenever she preforms a piece, she not only goes through the movements, but she interprets them with her entire body.  She tells a story without words.  She is quite small in stature, like me.  We each stand all of four feet ten inches in height and she often makes me stand back to back to "prove" to me that she has suddenly grown taller than me.(the others girls passed me up a long time ago)  When she does this, Mark tells her that she may someday grow taller than her momma in stature but that she will never grow larger in heart.  This is a very sweet sentiment but I think that she already might have and when she dances, the size of her heart just emanates from her body.  It is difficult not to be captivated by her.

This year, the team put together a Hip-Hop piece which is dynamic, inspiring and tear-inducing.  All of the girls on the team seem to be able to relate to this piece on a level that makes it even more awe-inspiring because the underlying message in the music and in the movements is that "I Can".  The girls come out with their sweatshirts zipped up while the voice-over talks about how no matter what anyone ever tells you, you can make your dreams come true.  You can overcome adversity.  You can succeed in spite of any difficulty.  It is a message that we all need to hear on some level but most especially, the teenagers and young adults who are growing up today.  Suddenly, the beat of the music changes, the girls unzip their jackets and their tee-shirts reveal the words, "I CAN", "I WILL", and, "I MUST".

People at Dance competitions tend to get distracted after spending hour upon hour in a loud, bright, over-stimulating arena, but I have noticed that during this routine, people pay attention.  AD4's wonderful coach is so great at putting together routines that demand attention and this one is no exception.  People from other teams stop our girls on their way off the stage to tell them how beautiful this routine truly is.

It has a wonderful affect.

That is AD4 on the left with her cheek on the floor!  The Jewish momma in me wants to run up on to the stage just before our girls go on with a bottle of Windex and a dust rag.  What could it hurt?

AD4 told me that this is the only point during the dance that she can actually stop to breathe.  She said that on Saturday, she made eye-contact with one of the judges at this particular moment, and it made them both smile.  It is difficult to make the judges smile.  Great job, AD4!

At the end of the routine, all of the girls turn around to reveal that their tee-shirts spell out "JUST BELIEVE".  AD4 is in the middle but her hoodie was kind of covering the "L" on her shirt at the moment when I took this photo.

It is very hard for this child to keep her feet on the ground!  Her excitement and enthusiasm for life is absolutely contagious!

One of her best friends came to watch her for the first time and loved it.  It is so sweet how they support and encourage one another.  I am glad that my girls have good friends who love them and who they love.

Angel Daughter Number One drove down from Los Angeles to have dinner with us and to watch her little sister compete.  She is also doing really well.  Mark is such a great daddy.  He never misses a competition that is within driving distance.  There are times when I am unable to go because of my health but Mark is always there to represent.  He went up for both days of competition last weekend.  I know that all of the girls appreciate their daddy's support.  I married a great man.

Angel Daughter Number Three got off of work at 7:00 but rushed over to the Anaheim Convention Center to support her little sister.  She got there in time with only one routine to spare!  She wanted to show off how much taller she is than I am.  Of course, she was wearing very high heels and I don't anymore, but I guess that she wins either way!

You might have noticed that one of my Angel Daughters was missing from the photos.  That is because she is in Palm Springs for Fashion Week.  Here is a picture of AD2 standing in front of an enormous blow-up of her latest photo spread.  It is a picture of the Project Runway Allstars and it is being featured nationwide right now!  She said that she walked into the Project Runway reception room only to be surprised by this life-size replica of her work.  So fantastic!  I borrowed this picture from her Facebook so it is very blurry but you get the idea.  I am just so happy for her.

My girls are all working on following their dreams which makes me a very content momma.  As long as I know that they are all healthy, safe, happy and productive, I can rest better at night.  Tomorrow is not only the first day of spring, but it is also AD3's 20th birthday.  Happy Birthday, Angel Daughter Number Three!  It is difficult for me to believe that I will only have one teenager for the first time in many, many years.  There was actually a time period when I had four teenage daughters at once.  I was not quite sure I would make it past that time period unscathed, but I did.  We did.  And as quickly as life moves, I like where we are now and I am also looking forward to where we will someday be.  It's all good:)

*Opps!  I just realized that I wrote that it was AD4's birthday today, when it is AD3's birthday!  Sometimes I have trouble getting it all right!  It's like when one of them is in trouble and I start calling them all by the wrong name until I get to the correct one.  Oy!  Happy Birthday AD3!  I love you!

18. L'Chaim. To Life.

This month, we celebrated Angel Daughter Number Four's 18th birthday.  Incidentally, this also means that Mark and I are no longer the parents of any minor children.  Such an unfamiliar feeling to no longer be something that I have been in one form or another for almost 25 years.  Who am I now?    How do I let go?  In Judaism, when our children turn 13 and they are either Bar(for a boy) or Bat(for a girl) Mitzvahed, it is said that they are considered "adults" and are therefore responsible for their own actions, but as a parent, this was only the very beginning of acknowledging that my daughters were on their way to becoming young women.  The teen years in our home, proved to be full of wonder(I wondered how I was going to make it through!) to feeling like they might go on forever.  But, like any other stages of our daughter's lives, these years actually raced by.  In several weeks when Angel Daughter Number Three turns 20, we will only have one more teenager to finish raising up and she is now legally old enough to vote in the next presidential election, sign for her own replacement driver's license at the DMV(damn the person who stole her purse at school), or pierce another hole in her ear on a whim.(Both she and AD3 felt that "whim", last week.  Oy.)  And yet, as odd as it feels to be the momma of four young adult women, I can look at them with confidence in knowing that Mark and I did things the way that we always said that we would.  Yes, we waivered at times.  The arguments coming out of the mouth of a living, breathing individual is quite different to those that come out of the mouths of very obedient imaginary children.  But the thing is, we actually parented these daughters of ours when too many of our peers thought it wise to be their children's friends, and that is something that most certainly never works.

So, as I piece together the thoughts that I have about Angel Daughter Number Four's 18th birthday, I can truly say that Mark and I must have done something right because these daughters of our just keep getting better and better!

I love that she does not have too much pride to stand up on a chair in a very crowded restaurant with a balloon animal in her hand while shaking her adorable booty just like she did when she was three.

Even while being serenaded by the very handsome waiter who sweetly(and respectfully) flirted with her for the entire evening.

Culminating with a high-five and applause from the whole restaurant.

I just love how the little boy behind us seemed to be coveting AD4's ice cream sundae.

As did the little guy who was sitting at the table behind AD3!  I would have given them ice cream for dinner now that I am moving ahead into that "grandma" phase of life...

My beauties.  Angel Daughter Number Four(18).  Angel Daughter Number Three(19).  Angel Daughter Number Two(22).  Angel Daughter Number One(24).

This is AD1 and her boyfriend, Kyle.  He is a very nice guy from Colorado chasing his California dream.  They are cute together.

Obviously, something very interesting was happening on AD4's cellphone;)

Once again, AD4 sparkled and shined to another rousing rendition of "Happy Birthday" from a packed restaurant.  There is something about watching your baby come into her own that does a momma's heart good.  She is me at that age, yet with a lot more confidence, self-assurance and moxie.  She is generous of spirit, she is lavish of heart.  She lives her life out loud and without apology.  She is Mark at that age with a contagious smile and a joyous sense of humor.  She has grown up well and I cannot wait to meet the woman that she will someday become.

In Judaism, the number "18" symbolizes life which is why Jewish people tend to give monetary gifts and donations in sums of 18.  Celebrating life is one of the most important tenants of Judaism which is why the phrase "L'chaim, To Life" is often said in celebration.  Life is a precious gift that should never be taken for granted.  It should be celebrated and exalted.  Happy, happy 18th birthday, my sweet angel baby.  We are all so incredibly proud of you.

Wings

And here she is.  Wings outstretched, open to what is, voluminously open to what will someday be.
Confident, alive, beautiful, undisguised, sincere, witty, effervescent.  Life personified.


I caught her playing with the wispy wings on her Homecoming dress and for me, that was better than any possible posed moment of perfection that I could possibly have captured.  I am good at waiting.(with four children, I have to be)  And snapping the shutter, click.  Click, click.  Click!  I take in the moments, but without the camera, the moments become lost in a menagerie of hours, days and then years blending together to create a montage of moments lost.  Colors blended.  So I do the best that I can to bring them into focus and then collect them in a more lasting place.  

This way I will never forget.  And neither will they.

Because truly, this is what is real.  The posed photos are nice to have, but to me, they often come up short.  A little blank.  Well, posed.  There is more, so much more.  There is an entire history to be pieced together and how will they ever remember if the moments become lost in a vague set of arranged smiles.  Admittedly, the candid pictures are more difficult to capture.  Sometimes they come out with eyes closed or mouths grimaced or faces scrunched in unnatural looking contortions but if you wait, and take so many pictures that your children finally laugh about how many times you release the shutter on your camera, you will eventually capture the truth of the moment.

Angel Daughter Number Four is a very good sport.  I suppose that being the fourth child in a fairly large family teaches you to develop patience and endurance and so, she has.  She is even-tempered, kind-hearted and well-loved by many.  In this photo, she was waiting for her friend to get off the phone so that they could go get something to eat before the dance.

Then she looked up at her dad.  So much love flows between the two of them.  It is one of the sweetest things that I have ever witnessed.

And then she turned her gaze back up at me.  And the sunlight caught in her eyes.  And my mother's heart skipped a beat.  And I told her not to move while I lifted my camera to capture a single moment in time.  Click.  Click, click.  Click, click.  A split-second of connection forever secured in my soul and now, forever imprinted immortally for us to always remember.  


Dance your heart out tonight, AD4.  I love you, my child.